Four years ago

It's been four years since I met my last long-term boyfriend. We met because Is wanted to browse Match.com and encouraged me to register. We thought it'd be entertaining to compare notes and see if we got e-mails from the same men. It was more for fun that having any intention to date. In fact, I had just told myself that I needed to just enjoy being me for awhile.

Of the dozens of e-mails I received, I answered one. Ryan had taken the time to thoughtfully respond to what I had written in my profile. The time and effort he put into his response deserved a reply compared to the lame one-liners that I had from others. I mean, come on, "Hey Princess you sound cute. Write me back." Do you think that line appeals to women? I don't have a picture posted so don't waste my time with things you don't mean.

Ryan, as it turned out, was an attorney, so it made a lot of sense to see how methodically and systematically he addressed interests I had mentioned in my description. We really hit it off. It was a great fairy tale meeting. We had exchanged pictures on a Thursday and agreed to talk on the phone for the first time the next Sunday. On Friday, I went swing dancing with a friend. He bumped into a female friend of his, and wouldn't you know it, the person she was with was Ryan. Small world... .

And for a year I thought we were happy. But when I didn't feel like the relationship was progressing, I talked to him. And in the course of a month, the relationship fell apart. He couldn't see marrying me. I couldn't eat; I could barely function. I felt deceived. I was heart broken. I dropped twenty pounds in less than two months. (And when you weigh less than 130 pounds, it's pretty dramatic.) I'm amazed I didn't get fired at work. To add insult to injury, two months after we stopped talking to each other, I saw him happily flirting with a woman who is now his wife. I have never experienced such darkness in my life. It still brings chills to my heart to think about how depressed I was. I pray I never go through that again.

As I started to come out of the darkness the following summer, I met Tim through a friend. He's such a laid-back and happy fellow. Our dating lasted only four months, but we continued to be friends. There have been times when the line got fuzzy, but here we are. I have to say I owe him a lot. He gave me faith in unconditional love and affection. I didn't think I could be whole again. Being best friends with him has taught me a lot about myself and how to communicate.

Healing is a slow, quiet process. I can't say there's a date I could officially claim myself 100% Ryan-free. I know that sometime last summer I reached the other side of tunnel. There's no way to know if something greater will come from a few dates with KT, but I do like to think that I'm finally emotionally healthy enough to accept the challenge. :)