Matching the past

I heard a great story over the weekend about how online dating can be successful. It's not your typical girl meets boy story. I heard this story from a friend and just had to share the entertainment.

An acquaintance of mine, Lynx, has been single for a number of years. She an attractive Asian women - pretty, petite, slender. She's a bit of a home body so she doesn't necessarily get out and meet new people often. After three years of being single, Hula has been trying to convince her to try online dating.

Recently, she gave it some thought. They had created a profile for her some months ago but never activated it. Hula convinced Lynx to let her write up a little summary to her profile. She did her best to imitate how Lynx might write about herself. Apparently, it was a good pretty good imitation because Lynx was satisfied and posted her profile.

Weeks went by and she received several e-mails from guys Hula considered to be good candidates. A few deal-breakers in Lynx's profile made her list limited. Since Lynx had been off the dating market for a few years, she was naturally a bit hesitant to initiate any conversation or reply to any of the bachelors who sought her out.

Persistent nugding by Hula paid off and Lynx exchanged e-mails with a handful of guys. Eventually, she went on dates with a couple guys. When Hula would ask about the dates, Lynx's attitude was that of indifference. She said she needed to date a guy 5 times to know whether or not she wanted something more. (This comment in and of itself could spark plenty of debate over how many dates is enough. Frankly, I think two to three seems fair.)

The next couple weeks could best be described as "when it rains, it pours." Not only was she going on a few dates and e-mailing new candidates online, her old high school boyfriend called. She was relieve to learn that he was just calling to chat. He's still happily married and for some reason just called (after years) to catch up. It was a pleasant chat.

Later that week, her old boyfriend, SJ, called. That hadn't spoken to each other since she broke it off three years ago. At the time, she was not happy with his lifestyle. They are both somewhat reclusive people. They fit well in that sense. What bothered her was that he tended to compartmentalize his life. He has his work, his friends, and Lynx. The issues was that he never mixed any of them. For the two or three years they dated, she never once met his co-workers or friends. She was uncomfortable with the fact that she was not included in more of his life. He lacked maturity.

SJ was calling to say that he was still thinking of her and wanted to discuss getting back together. He readily admitted that she had been right about his lack of maturity and wanted to change things. Based on what had happened before, she was hesitant. She still liked him as well, however, and was willing to go slow and see if it could work.

Soon after, she stopped seeing her online men. It's been several months now and they are fully together again.

The best part of the story is what she learned after the fact. Remember how they hadn't spoken in three years? When he realized how much Lynx meant to him, he thought about seeking her out. He doubtful, however, about whether she was still in the same apartment or city and whether she was available. A friend of SJ's suggested that he check online to test whether she was still single.

Knowing her city and her deal-breaker traits, he did a search and found her. There was no picture or name to verify it was her, but he was pretty sure the description fit the Lynx. Finding this information is what gave him the courage to call her up.

In the end, Hula says this demonstrates that online dating does work. No, Lynx didn't meet her boyfriend online, but certainly it was the catalyst for getting back together. Had she not posted her profile online, how long would SJ have continued to pine for her without saying a word?

What does this mean?

Sale? Match.com? The two words don't seem to have any relationship to each other. And yet... I look up one of my deal finding site and scroll down much farther than I normally would to find this:

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match.com 72-hour sale: Up to 88% off membership fees

Online dating service match.com takes up to 88% off its membership fees via this
link. For example, get 6 months for $4.25/month, or $25.50 total. It's the best membership deal we've seen from match.com. Discount ends August 25.
Hotness: hotness: 3/5
Posted 7 hrs, 21 mins ago
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I'm still trying to believe this. It's like skipping one latte and scone per month. What could motivate them to offer this? Was this meant to be a special deal for a select group of people. Is this the slow time of the year for dating? Did they know it would end up on the Internet for everyone to take advantage of?

Seriously, I post this for all you readers that might want to give it a go and share your adventures on your blog for me to read. ;)

Questions looking for trouble

I got this question recently from a prospective suitor. Frankly, I think this kind of question can't possibly offer an answer that's going to satisfy anyone.

Describe your ideal mate.

I paused when I saw this. What kind of answer does a guy expect to this? I'm not the funniest person in the world, I don't know a funny way to get out of answering this. It seems like a no-win question - either you give an answer that makes it sound like you have impossible expectations or you make the other person feel like they'll never be good enough.

That I said, I did the best I could. I caveatted that no one's perfect and that I recognize that I don't expect to find a man like this. I reminded him there's undefinable chemistry that must exist between two people. And then, I had a little fun and sent him a laundry list.

I'd like some who's intelligent, has a great smile, is responsible, is relatively clean, will sing karaoke, dresses decently, can be romantic, is outgoing, speaks a foreign language enough to get directions, likes board games, eats healthy (most of the time), dances, is funny, is patient, doesn't do drugs, has regular sleep hours, is good with kids, has friends, enjoys spicy food, plays a musical instrument, is not afraid wear pink, etc.

Of course, now that I'm looking at it again, I realize I left out things like honesty, integrity, thoughtfulness, assertiveness, a hint of charm, a bit of geek, and the courage to try new things every once in awhile. It was a fun way to answer the question. Hopefully, it reveals some of the priorities for me but also shows that I want to have fun and hints at some of the things I like to do and would want to be able to share with another person. In and of itself, this exercise teaches me the importance of embellishing a simple response with a phrase (I don't know my grammatical terms) that hints at a reason or preference. It definitely makes for a more interesting read. Now the question is what did the guy think of my response?

Sadly, I don't think this guy appreciates sharing much detail (or at least putting some effort into his Internet communications). I know some people prefer to chat by phone or in-person, but come on, if you choose to try and date through the Internet, you need to make an effort. What am I supposed to do with this?

Describe an interest you hope to share with you partner.

His answer: Stargate SG1 or Atlantis

Does he really think this is sufficient? How am I supposed to get to know someone when the answers are so brief? That's nice, I understand he like sci-fi. Can you give me a little more explanation why this appeals to you? My temptation is to write back and say "Your answer seems to have been truncated by the system. Could you please tell me again about your interest in Stargate?"

Online dating these days is more for entertainment than much else these days. Is that a poor attitude? There's still a month left on my subscription so you gotta get your money's worth somehow. I admit I'm not trying too hard these days. I'm really just enjoying my summer and hanging out with friends. There's nothing like beautiful weather and happy people.

Only Attractive Need Apply

[shaking my head and wanting to ring the neck of the man pictured in the article]

This one takes the cake. Maybe I would think differently if I were a hot movie star... geez I hope not.

Yes, we're human. Naturally, people want someone they think is nice to look at. However, I worry that one of the reasons people fail to find a partner in life is because they have unrealistic expectations about superficial qualities. Things like this website make people think it's okay to judge people on looks.

We criticize celebrities somewhat for getting plastic surgery, yet we reward them the better they look. Where's the incentive to be natural and take care of your body?

To each their own. It was bound to happen. What happens when they see each other the next morning with crusty mascara, unshaven faces, and spray tans fading? Oh, excuse me, they probably don't stay around long enough to see that. (Cranky, aren't I? ;))

It seems I'm in the minority these days. Many of my girlfriends are are starting to say they'd consider Botox or will go under the knife when things start sagging. Maybe some of them already have but are keeping it secret.

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Dating site asks 'are you hot enough?'

Story Highlights
• Users vote on whether people are hot enough to join
• Almost 1,000 people have joined
• About 25 percent of applicants expected


TRENTON, New Jersey (AP) -- Jason Pellegrino (an 8.2 on the attractiveness scale) says the problem with Internet dating services is not enough really hot-looking people.

So he and a business partner have created HotEnough.org, a sort of online version of Studio 54, the exclusive '70s disco where gaining admission was a pitiless Darwinian exercise. HotEnough.org is for "fit, good-looking" people.

Prospective members must submit pictures and must be rated an 8 or higher by people already in the club. Once they are in, they are permitted to e-mail other "hotties" for $9.95 a month.

"It's definitely hard to get through that rope, but once you're in, you're in and you're part of the party," Pellegrino said. "But you know there's going to be a lot of people outside waiting."

The 33-year-old said he and his partner, Sean Cohen, created the site after concluding that Internet dating sites attract a lot of brave and desperate people but not particularly attractive ones.

A few months after its launch, membership is just under 1,000, Pellegrino said. In the beginning, only 8 percent of those who applied made the grade, but now about 25 percent of applicants do, he said.

Candidates must send in three pictures, including one full-body shot. Active members rate the pictures online without knowing anything else about the people in them.

"People can say that the site is shallow, they can say it's superficial, but I think we're all a bit superficial when it comes to dating," Pellegrino said.

One of the "hotties" accepted into the club is Jimmy Ziomek, a 29-year-old from New York City who rated an 8.2. Ziomek, who said his job in real estate keeps him from going out much, has blue eyes and light brown hair and goes to the gym four to five times a week.

Using HotEnough.org "saves time and it does the searching for you, narrows it down to the people that you are interested in meeting," he said.

Among those who did not make the cut was Jeanette Ponder, a 28-year-old Internet blogger from East Orange, New Jersey who considered herself an 8 or 9. She said she applied because she thought it would make a good story.

"I got rated at like 5.7," she said. "When you put yourself out there in any situation, even if it's one which you're not taking seriously, it's going to sting."

But she also reasoned: "You cannot make a relationship by being arm candy."

Like it or not, HotEnough.com operates according to a principle that watchers of the singles scene have long recognized: "People tend to end up with partners who match them in physical attractiveness," said Margaret Clark, a professor of psychology at Yale University.

Pellegrino, whose day job as a project manager for a construction company in Maplewood leaves little time for dating, has brown eyes and a bright smile, goes to the gym at least three times a week and gets his stylish haircut touched up every two weeks. He was happy to make it onto his own Web site.

"I see myself more in like the 7.5 range," he said.

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

My Internet dating policies

I went browsing Match last night. I was curious to see what kind of men (and women) are actively looking. Varying my selection criteria definitely showed me how I can easily expand my options. Venturing outside of "Asian" is something I'm still very much on the fence about. When I see the profiles of white men, I feel nothing special. However, white men with whom I've interacted at work or during recreational activities make me think I'd be open to the right guy.

I'm trying to remember the few rules I've established for myself when it comes to Internet dating. I know everyone has their own comfort levels and things may vary once you meet the person, but I think this is a good starting point.

1) Take the time to read and respond thoughtfully to each other

2) Don't let e-mailing go on longer than three weeks without speaking to the person on the phone or meeting person

3) For the first meeting, set up a coffee date in a public location away from your normal hangouts

4) Keep meetings in public places for at least the first three dates (unless you've established they're character through friends in common)


Deal breakers:

1) No interest in having children
2) Someone who smokes, even just occasionally
3) If he indicates he is strongly religious
4) He lies about himself (age, occupation, etc.)
5) A man who is extremely overweight (I'm no health fanatic (I enjoy my tater tots), but I want someone who is relatively healthy)

Of course, I could go on and on, but I thought this was the list of key factors. It's easy to put down every little dislike and like, but prioritizing is important to avoid being overly picky.

[twiddling my fingers] Not yet ready to set things in motion... .