I had this strange dream the other morning just before I awoke. I rarely think of my ex, Ryan, these days, so it's always a bit disturbing for me when I have such a detailed dream including him. The only thing I can think of is that the previous night, there was a mention of his neighborhood on the news and I remember hoping that he was frustrated by the event. (I'm so evil.)
I don't recall what the situation was in the dream, only that I was on the page where his wedding information was once posted. The site had been changed, thanking everyone for being part of their celebration (which was several years ago).
The next section of the page served to updated visitors to their baby. I have been wondering for sometime whether he'd have kids. To this day, I still have no idea. (Admittedly, once in awhile, I check online baby registries but find nothing.) In the dream, they were touting a link to a photo page showing their 38-week-old son, Rene.
In the dream, I remember thinking what a lame, pretentious name they picked and that it didn't surprise me based on some of the attitudes Ryan had about lifestyle (and where his wife likes to shop). I was very tempted to click through the link to see the pictures of the baby but held myself back.
Okay, so what in the world does this dream mean? Why so much detail? Am I psychic?
Showing posts with label Ryan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ryan. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Run at First Sight
I'm coming up to five years since I first met Ryan. It's been about 3.5 years since we broke up. To this day, there are thing that I avoid because they remind me of him - college basketball, John Mayer, etc.
I was reminded of this fact on a trip to town this week. In my attempt to be green and save myself the torture of driving during rush hour, I chose to use public transportation to attend a professional meeting.
My route would take me to the stop he uses to travel from work to home (or at least he still uses as far as a know). Normally, this won't be a huge concern except that I would likely arrive around the time he might leave work. I might see him as I get off and he gets one.
One stop before my street, several people got on. Out of the corner of my eye, one guy seemed to fit the profile of Ryan. I panicked as I looked up and thought he recognized me. I quicky resumed reading my magazine as he sat down across from me. I didn't have the courage to look his way. I was totally uncomfortable.
Knowing my stop was next, I stood up and went over to the door with my back to the guy. If it was Ryan, I didn't want to give him any chance to realize it was me or talk to me. I was fairly sure it was not him, but I didn't want to take any risk.
I was relieved when I stepped out and exited. The further I got down the street, the more relaxed I became. Once I calmed down, I thought back to the event and reasoned that it was not him. Besides the fact that it was the wrong stop where I saw him, the black shoulder bag the guy worn is not Ryan's style. He has a classic, leather case which he carries to work. He's not the bike messenger type.
But the point of this is not whether I bumped into Ryan. The issue is that I'm still so paranoid. It seems really... well, LAME and PATHETIC, that he can still affect me this way. I hate that I walk around in "fear" of him. I get really mad at myself for this. I worry there's something wrong with me that I am still so strong affected by an ex-boyfriend. What is my problem? Is this preventing me from having a meaningful relationship?
This one case where I wish I could have my memory erased sometimes... .
I was reminded of this fact on a trip to town this week. In my attempt to be green and save myself the torture of driving during rush hour, I chose to use public transportation to attend a professional meeting.
My route would take me to the stop he uses to travel from work to home (or at least he still uses as far as a know). Normally, this won't be a huge concern except that I would likely arrive around the time he might leave work. I might see him as I get off and he gets one.
One stop before my street, several people got on. Out of the corner of my eye, one guy seemed to fit the profile of Ryan. I panicked as I looked up and thought he recognized me. I quicky resumed reading my magazine as he sat down across from me. I didn't have the courage to look his way. I was totally uncomfortable.
Knowing my stop was next, I stood up and went over to the door with my back to the guy. If it was Ryan, I didn't want to give him any chance to realize it was me or talk to me. I was fairly sure it was not him, but I didn't want to take any risk.
I was relieved when I stepped out and exited. The further I got down the street, the more relaxed I became. Once I calmed down, I thought back to the event and reasoned that it was not him. Besides the fact that it was the wrong stop where I saw him, the black shoulder bag the guy worn is not Ryan's style. He has a classic, leather case which he carries to work. He's not the bike messenger type.
But the point of this is not whether I bumped into Ryan. The issue is that I'm still so paranoid. It seems really... well, LAME and PATHETIC, that he can still affect me this way. I hate that I walk around in "fear" of him. I get really mad at myself for this. I worry there's something wrong with me that I am still so strong affected by an ex-boyfriend. What is my problem? Is this preventing me from having a meaningful relationship?
This one case where I wish I could have my memory erased sometimes... .
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Living together before marriage
I've considered writing about this many times but could never quite finish my thoughts. This headline has been sitting as a draft for months. I bring it up now more because Juan wants to discuss this idea with Chi. It's just an idea at this point. I'm guessing it will be several months before it becomes a serious consideration. She's not enthusiastic with the idea for several reasons.
When I was in my twenties, I thought living with a guy seemed like a reasonable progression towards marriage. None of my relationships, however, progressed to a point where this ever became a necessary or desired discussion.
After a few months of dating Ryan, there were hints to the idea. He lived some 30 miles away, so we spent the weekends together. The work commute made it inconvenient for me to stay with him, and he never seemed to like staying at my apartment. For whatever reason, we never discussed it directly. Once, on a Sunday night, I made the comment that I had to head home soon. He quickly said, "oh, you need to go to the bedroom, okay." I said how much I wanted to stay with him, but that I needed to get back. It probably would have been a good time to discuss his feelings, but I missed it.
At the time, I think I felt like I didn't have much choice because he was the one who owned a condo while I was a renter. It would have made sense for me to move to his place, but that would have tripled my commute, and maybe he was hesitant to bring it up knowing that. I also knew that there were only two cities he was willing to live in, the one where he currently resided and the city just north. He occasionally mentioned a desire to "someday" getting a bigger place but never was willing to consider my suggestion that he browse a few open houses to help think through the idea. It seemed like he never liked any of my ideas... but that's a whole other past I won't bother with.
Chi and Juan have been dating some eight months. They both own condos but live some 40 miles apart. She lives fairly close to her work, a very convenient commute. He lives in an popular, urban neighborhood and travels for work. Her place is a 1960s two-bedroom unit while he has a cozy, modern one-bedroom unit. Can you guess what some of their difference are about moving in together?
I mostly just listen as I don't feel it's my place to inject too many opinions. In the early discussions, Juan said he wants her to sell and move into his place. She doesn't think they could live in his small condo as there's barely enough space for his stuff. Ideally, they'd move into hers since it's two bedroom, but he doesn't like her place. She suggested buying a house halfway between their current locations, but he's unwilling to live anywhere else but in his city. The commute wouldn't be ideal, but Chi's considering living most (4-5 days) of the week with him.
Next, they talked about buying a place together to solve the space issue. Chi also likes the idea of establishing a home so they don't have to move later when there's babies to juggle. Juan's idea is that she sell her place (or both sell if necessary), and they use that equity to buy a two-bedroom condo in his area. I was impressed how she immediately pointed out that she felt it was unfair that she contribute her equity for a joint place while he retained his own property. He offered that her name get added to his title. She is also concerned that his area is expensive and that they'd have to move again in a couple of years to afford something bigger. I agreed that it seemed impractical. I told her it seems like he's hanging onto his urban pad perhaps as a way to cling to his single lifestyle a little longer.
Still, she's hesitant. It's not her ideal situation before getting engaged though it sounds like they're both pretty serious about marriage. Why do guys these days all seem to want to live together before committing? Based on the marriages I've seen in the past few years, it seems like it's the only way to get a guy to move forward. Would things have worked out with Ryan if I had lived with him? It makes me feel like I'm going to have to do this if I want a guy to marry me.
In the right relationship, I suppose it shouldn't matter. I should trust and believe that regardless, a man I'm seriously dating will have mutual feelings about getting married before living together. There's part of me that still worries that people don't take it as seriously as if they were married. I'd hate to think that a big fight would occur and the guy would bail at the first sign of difficultly rather than work through it. It's silly, I know, but it's scary. Marriage isn't a guarantee either, but it feels more secure.
I offered Chi one alternative option to consider. If they both want to keep their condos for the time being, why not find a two-bedroom place to rent for a year? That addresses several issues: 1) it allows him to stay in an area he loves while she gives it a try, 2) they don't have to buy property twice in less than three years, 3) they each get to keep their condos for the time being. She thought it might be a good idea.
It's good to hear her talk about her relationship. Of course, I care about her as a friend. I want to make sure she's being treated right and doesn't get hurt. I also use her stories and learnings to teach myself about what I could do to have a better relationship should I be that lucky. There are times I think she gives up too much up for Juan; other times I see that she has better patience than I would to work on habits that Juan needs to change.
When I was in my twenties, I thought living with a guy seemed like a reasonable progression towards marriage. None of my relationships, however, progressed to a point where this ever became a necessary or desired discussion.
After a few months of dating Ryan, there were hints to the idea. He lived some 30 miles away, so we spent the weekends together. The work commute made it inconvenient for me to stay with him, and he never seemed to like staying at my apartment. For whatever reason, we never discussed it directly. Once, on a Sunday night, I made the comment that I had to head home soon. He quickly said, "oh, you need to go to the bedroom, okay." I said how much I wanted to stay with him, but that I needed to get back. It probably would have been a good time to discuss his feelings, but I missed it.
At the time, I think I felt like I didn't have much choice because he was the one who owned a condo while I was a renter. It would have made sense for me to move to his place, but that would have tripled my commute, and maybe he was hesitant to bring it up knowing that. I also knew that there were only two cities he was willing to live in, the one where he currently resided and the city just north. He occasionally mentioned a desire to "someday" getting a bigger place but never was willing to consider my suggestion that he browse a few open houses to help think through the idea. It seemed like he never liked any of my ideas... but that's a whole other past I won't bother with.
Chi and Juan have been dating some eight months. They both own condos but live some 40 miles apart. She lives fairly close to her work, a very convenient commute. He lives in an popular, urban neighborhood and travels for work. Her place is a 1960s two-bedroom unit while he has a cozy, modern one-bedroom unit. Can you guess what some of their difference are about moving in together?
I mostly just listen as I don't feel it's my place to inject too many opinions. In the early discussions, Juan said he wants her to sell and move into his place. She doesn't think they could live in his small condo as there's barely enough space for his stuff. Ideally, they'd move into hers since it's two bedroom, but he doesn't like her place. She suggested buying a house halfway between their current locations, but he's unwilling to live anywhere else but in his city. The commute wouldn't be ideal, but Chi's considering living most (4-5 days) of the week with him.
Next, they talked about buying a place together to solve the space issue. Chi also likes the idea of establishing a home so they don't have to move later when there's babies to juggle. Juan's idea is that she sell her place (or both sell if necessary), and they use that equity to buy a two-bedroom condo in his area. I was impressed how she immediately pointed out that she felt it was unfair that she contribute her equity for a joint place while he retained his own property. He offered that her name get added to his title. She is also concerned that his area is expensive and that they'd have to move again in a couple of years to afford something bigger. I agreed that it seemed impractical. I told her it seems like he's hanging onto his urban pad perhaps as a way to cling to his single lifestyle a little longer.
Still, she's hesitant. It's not her ideal situation before getting engaged though it sounds like they're both pretty serious about marriage. Why do guys these days all seem to want to live together before committing? Based on the marriages I've seen in the past few years, it seems like it's the only way to get a guy to move forward. Would things have worked out with Ryan if I had lived with him? It makes me feel like I'm going to have to do this if I want a guy to marry me.
In the right relationship, I suppose it shouldn't matter. I should trust and believe that regardless, a man I'm seriously dating will have mutual feelings about getting married before living together. There's part of me that still worries that people don't take it as seriously as if they were married. I'd hate to think that a big fight would occur and the guy would bail at the first sign of difficultly rather than work through it. It's silly, I know, but it's scary. Marriage isn't a guarantee either, but it feels more secure.
I offered Chi one alternative option to consider. If they both want to keep their condos for the time being, why not find a two-bedroom place to rent for a year? That addresses several issues: 1) it allows him to stay in an area he loves while she gives it a try, 2) they don't have to buy property twice in less than three years, 3) they each get to keep their condos for the time being. She thought it might be a good idea.
It's good to hear her talk about her relationship. Of course, I care about her as a friend. I want to make sure she's being treated right and doesn't get hurt. I also use her stories and learnings to teach myself about what I could do to have a better relationship should I be that lucky. There are times I think she gives up too much up for Juan; other times I see that she has better patience than I would to work on habits that Juan needs to change.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Marketing schmarketing
Hula worked with me on my profile. My consultant has a profile template that I populate with various comments and descriptors. I filled out every section with something that I thought was honest and positive or neutral.
Hula's first reaction to reading it was, "that just doesn't describe you."
Basically, she didn't think I was doing a very good job of giving the guys reason to contact me. She felt that my answers were very vague and didn't sell all the varied interests I bring to a relationship. I was selling myself short. Hula has been with Drummer since before online dating became mainstream, so she was unfamiliar with all the questions and information that people are asked to share. As I walked through some of the elements of the process I think she realized why I found it overwhelming at times. She agreed with most of my self-descriptors but wanted to expand upon them. We spent the next couple hours playing with the wording.
For example, I wrote that I enjoy "spending time with friends, cooking, watching tv, dancing, and casual hiking." Hula wanted to see more active descriptions. I resisted a little as I've never been one to boast about myself but I saw her point.
So, after a couple of small adjustments, my answer now reads: "I enjoy watching 'The Amazing Race' with friends, trying new recipes, ballroom dancing, and hiking on weekend mornings."
She really wanted me to add some additional "hooks" including that I enjoy college football, my alma mater is EB, and that I play video games. I pushed back on those ideas. While I beat any of my girlfriends on a sports quiz, I don't want guy thinking of me as an activity buddy. When she wanted me to mention college, I pushed back because I've dated almost exclusively (unintentionally) other alum. I confided in her that I don't want that be a compelling element. Dating Ryan ruined certain associations for me. I rarely watch college basketball now because it reminds me of him. There's no guarantee that the alum thing won't come up eventually, I just don't want to go there until I'm invested more in the relationship. It probably sounds strange, but I love my school and I don't want bad memories to ruin that.
Another statement of mine that bothered her a bit was my answer to "What is the one thing that people don't realize about you that you wish they would?" I had a tough time answering this one. I probably should have just left it blank because she felt what I put down was a negative.
"Despite my outgoing nature, I can be a little shy at times."
I really don't think it's bad to show a little vulnerability because it is the truth, Again, Hula felt that I should reveal something more interesting and good about me. This is what initiated the whole college football topic. Being the literal person I am, I didn't feel it really answered the question posed. I'm probably being silly, but talking about football is not on my mind when I meet guys. Nothing came to me until we talked more. I finally came up with the idea of expressing that I'm just as happy going out to parties as I am sitting at home relaxing. I think this is a good way of showing that I'm not a party girl or homebody.
There were moments when it was very frustrating to have my personal comments criticized. I kept reminding myself that doing this was a good thing. I just felt so lost and hopeless. Throughout our "work" I really felt that I'm out of touch with how to play the game of dating. I'm not talking about being deceitful or anything, just how to frame things properly whether it be written word or face to face interactions to engage people. There are probably times I'm too straight forward which can be kind of boring. Her understanding of how to interact makes me think that's why she's so attractive to men and why she's married while I'm not.
I'm really glad she was so enthusiastic about helping. It was good to talk to someone about all this who knows me well.
Up until this point, only a couple of men showed interest. Hopefully the revamp will help more come flooding in!
Hula's first reaction to reading it was, "that just doesn't describe you."
Basically, she didn't think I was doing a very good job of giving the guys reason to contact me. She felt that my answers were very vague and didn't sell all the varied interests I bring to a relationship. I was selling myself short. Hula has been with Drummer since before online dating became mainstream, so she was unfamiliar with all the questions and information that people are asked to share. As I walked through some of the elements of the process I think she realized why I found it overwhelming at times. She agreed with most of my self-descriptors but wanted to expand upon them. We spent the next couple hours playing with the wording.
For example, I wrote that I enjoy "spending time with friends, cooking, watching tv, dancing, and casual hiking." Hula wanted to see more active descriptions. I resisted a little as I've never been one to boast about myself but I saw her point.
So, after a couple of small adjustments, my answer now reads: "I enjoy watching 'The Amazing Race' with friends, trying new recipes, ballroom dancing, and hiking on weekend mornings."
She really wanted me to add some additional "hooks" including that I enjoy college football, my alma mater is EB, and that I play video games. I pushed back on those ideas. While I beat any of my girlfriends on a sports quiz, I don't want guy thinking of me as an activity buddy. When she wanted me to mention college, I pushed back because I've dated almost exclusively (unintentionally) other alum. I confided in her that I don't want that be a compelling element. Dating Ryan ruined certain associations for me. I rarely watch college basketball now because it reminds me of him. There's no guarantee that the alum thing won't come up eventually, I just don't want to go there until I'm invested more in the relationship. It probably sounds strange, but I love my school and I don't want bad memories to ruin that.
Another statement of mine that bothered her a bit was my answer to "What is the one thing that people don't realize about you that you wish they would?" I had a tough time answering this one. I probably should have just left it blank because she felt what I put down was a negative.
"Despite my outgoing nature, I can be a little shy at times."
I really don't think it's bad to show a little vulnerability because it is the truth, Again, Hula felt that I should reveal something more interesting and good about me. This is what initiated the whole college football topic. Being the literal person I am, I didn't feel it really answered the question posed. I'm probably being silly, but talking about football is not on my mind when I meet guys. Nothing came to me until we talked more. I finally came up with the idea of expressing that I'm just as happy going out to parties as I am sitting at home relaxing. I think this is a good way of showing that I'm not a party girl or homebody.
There were moments when it was very frustrating to have my personal comments criticized. I kept reminding myself that doing this was a good thing. I just felt so lost and hopeless. Throughout our "work" I really felt that I'm out of touch with how to play the game of dating. I'm not talking about being deceitful or anything, just how to frame things properly whether it be written word or face to face interactions to engage people. There are probably times I'm too straight forward which can be kind of boring. Her understanding of how to interact makes me think that's why she's so attractive to men and why she's married while I'm not.
I'm really glad she was so enthusiastic about helping. It was good to talk to someone about all this who knows me well.
Up until this point, only a couple of men showed interest. Hopefully the revamp will help more come flooding in!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
None of his business
F*ck! I know I shouldn't care. I know I shouldn't let it bother me. I logged into a community profile I keep for friends who want to set me up. It's a way of letting the guy see if he's interested. I posted recent pictures and a description of myself.
A friend of a friend wants to introduce me to a friend of his. Earlier this week, I directed him to the site. I checked in today to see if anyone had looked me up. To my horrified shock, my ex, Ryan, has viewed me. YUCK!
What the hell caused him to look me up? We haven't spoken or seen each other in almost three years. Admittedly, I happened to try and look him up to see if he was on a couple baby registries the other day, but there's no way he would know that. (His wife turned 40 this month, so I couldn't help be curious if he's gonna have kids since he was ambivalent about it when we dated. I was browsing toys online in preparation for Xmas gifts.)
The sucky thing is there's nothing I can do to block him from looking unless I block everyone. I don't want him knowing what I'm up to. It's not fair that he so easily rebounded and got married, and that I'm still single. His possible pity angers me. I don't want him to know anything about me. I feel violated. (Yes, apparently I still have baggage issues.) He's the reason I lack faith in relationships, he was the final straw that broke me.
In cleaning out my computer files the other day, I ran across an old document. It was a clipping of one of our last e-mail exchanges. I had foolishly asked him to rationalize what happened, why he didn't want me anymore and whether there was something I failed to do. His response was very rationale, very fair. Even though I understand, it still hurts.
"I don't think you failed to communicate your needs. I think I knew near the beginning what you were looking for. I am more to blame for the failure to communicate, and I am sorry if I waited too long to tell you how I felt. I suppose it was so hard for me to ultimately decide because I can't really explain it. You and I are compatible in many ways, and I loved the way you cared about me. That is why I think we could have a good life together. But there are also some things that I wish could have changed or were different. I think I have mentioned those before. That I felt our relationship was imperfect does not mean that my affection for you was not genuine.
Sometimes I wonder if I have made a mistake, and that I am being too picky. I think about that often. All I know is that I don't have the feeling that this is it, and if I don't have that feeling, there is probably something wrong. I am sorry I cannot be more helpful with my explanation."
I didn't write about this finding because I had forgotten about it. I processed the thought and moved on. Sure, Ryan pops into my head now and then. That's fine. But it's okay because I've never felt like we are still connected.
Seeing him appear like this scares me. Everyone has a right to be curious about others, I just don't want to know. Now, all these painful old feelings are overwhelming me. Sh*t, and I can't take my profile down because that other guy might go take a look. What a way to rattle my day.
Okay, after a few hours to relax, eat and snooze, the psycho moment has passed. The truth is, once I thought about it, I'm probably to blame. Back in March, when I was getting to know KT, I used the site and peeked at Ryan's profile. It's most likely that I appear in his viewed list from that, and he only logged in this week for the first time in months. My bad.
A friend of a friend wants to introduce me to a friend of his. Earlier this week, I directed him to the site. I checked in today to see if anyone had looked me up. To my horrified shock, my ex, Ryan, has viewed me. YUCK!
What the hell caused him to look me up? We haven't spoken or seen each other in almost three years. Admittedly, I happened to try and look him up to see if he was on a couple baby registries the other day, but there's no way he would know that. (His wife turned 40 this month, so I couldn't help be curious if he's gonna have kids since he was ambivalent about it when we dated. I was browsing toys online in preparation for Xmas gifts.)
The sucky thing is there's nothing I can do to block him from looking unless I block everyone. I don't want him knowing what I'm up to. It's not fair that he so easily rebounded and got married, and that I'm still single. His possible pity angers me. I don't want him to know anything about me. I feel violated. (Yes, apparently I still have baggage issues.) He's the reason I lack faith in relationships, he was the final straw that broke me.
In cleaning out my computer files the other day, I ran across an old document. It was a clipping of one of our last e-mail exchanges. I had foolishly asked him to rationalize what happened, why he didn't want me anymore and whether there was something I failed to do. His response was very rationale, very fair. Even though I understand, it still hurts.
"I don't think you failed to communicate your needs. I think I knew near the beginning what you were looking for. I am more to blame for the failure to communicate, and I am sorry if I waited too long to tell you how I felt. I suppose it was so hard for me to ultimately decide because I can't really explain it. You and I are compatible in many ways, and I loved the way you cared about me. That is why I think we could have a good life together. But there are also some things that I wish could have changed or were different. I think I have mentioned those before. That I felt our relationship was imperfect does not mean that my affection for you was not genuine.
Sometimes I wonder if I have made a mistake, and that I am being too picky. I think about that often. All I know is that I don't have the feeling that this is it, and if I don't have that feeling, there is probably something wrong. I am sorry I cannot be more helpful with my explanation."
I didn't write about this finding because I had forgotten about it. I processed the thought and moved on. Sure, Ryan pops into my head now and then. That's fine. But it's okay because I've never felt like we are still connected.
Seeing him appear like this scares me. Everyone has a right to be curious about others, I just don't want to know. Now, all these painful old feelings are overwhelming me. Sh*t, and I can't take my profile down because that other guy might go take a look. What a way to rattle my day.
Okay, after a few hours to relax, eat and snooze, the psycho moment has passed. The truth is, once I thought about it, I'm probably to blame. Back in March, when I was getting to know KT, I used the site and peeked at Ryan's profile. It's most likely that I appear in his viewed list from that, and he only logged in this week for the first time in months. My bad.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Am I being a coward?
My friend, TJ, loves going to watch Shakespeare. A couple times he has invited me as part of a group he tries to put together. Most of the time, I have been unable to attend due to other events.
Today, he sent out a new invite for the Labor Day weekend. It'd be fun to go except for one thing. This particular troop performs every year and is a staple of summer theatre. My ex-boyfriend, Ryan, has had a regular subscription to this event for years. Even though it's been three years since we broke up, I have no desire to run into him. I fear going for the chance I'll run into him.
The play runs for four weeks, two performances each Sunday. He might go a different Sunday, he might be at the other show. Should he attend the same performance, there is a very good chance of making contact with him because the venue holds probably only 200+ people. TJ and Ryan tend to prefer similar seating areas that are midway or towards the back. Looking at the schedule and knowing which subscription plan he probably purchased, I'm guessing he will not be attending Labor Day weekend.
Still, I can't help be concerned. Is it okay to still be so uncomfortable about Ryan? Will I ever be okay about it? At this moment, I'd rather go on another ambiguous "date" with KT than face Ryan. I know I did the right thing by leaving him, but I didn't want to. He was the one who said, "I don't think I want to marry you." I don't want to pretend to be alright and act polite if I see him. I want to kick him, scream at him, and key his car. These are all emotions I don't want to feel; it's scary enough just to think about them.
I hate this because I have the right to do whatever I want. I don't like that he still has influence over me. It's not fair. It makes me not want to share special places with people I date in the future. I don't want those taken away from me should things go bad.
I wish I could write TJ and tell him the truth about why I don't want to go rather than make him think I don't like Shakespeare.
Today, he sent out a new invite for the Labor Day weekend. It'd be fun to go except for one thing. This particular troop performs every year and is a staple of summer theatre. My ex-boyfriend, Ryan, has had a regular subscription to this event for years. Even though it's been three years since we broke up, I have no desire to run into him. I fear going for the chance I'll run into him.
The play runs for four weeks, two performances each Sunday. He might go a different Sunday, he might be at the other show. Should he attend the same performance, there is a very good chance of making contact with him because the venue holds probably only 200+ people. TJ and Ryan tend to prefer similar seating areas that are midway or towards the back. Looking at the schedule and knowing which subscription plan he probably purchased, I'm guessing he will not be attending Labor Day weekend.
Still, I can't help be concerned. Is it okay to still be so uncomfortable about Ryan? Will I ever be okay about it? At this moment, I'd rather go on another ambiguous "date" with KT than face Ryan. I know I did the right thing by leaving him, but I didn't want to. He was the one who said, "I don't think I want to marry you." I don't want to pretend to be alright and act polite if I see him. I want to kick him, scream at him, and key his car. These are all emotions I don't want to feel; it's scary enough just to think about them.
I hate this because I have the right to do whatever I want. I don't like that he still has influence over me. It's not fair. It makes me not want to share special places with people I date in the future. I don't want those taken away from me should things go bad.
I wish I could write TJ and tell him the truth about why I don't want to go rather than make him think I don't like Shakespeare.
Monday, July 31, 2006
A lapse in judgment
A question on a personality quiz last week read, "If you were guilty of a deadly sin, it would be?"
From the list, the most logical choice that came to mind was envy. Something in my upbringing, in my personality makes me think that everyone is smarter than me, happier than me, more accomplished than me, more loved than me, luckier than me. It's an awful mindset sometimes to live with because it's easy to go into a situation with a no-win attitude. And sometimes, the logic is to avoid trying because it's better than failing.
In that moment, when I thought about what I am envious of, my ex, Ryan, came to mind. Logically, I know it was for the best that we broke up, but it will always be a sore point for me. Within months of us breaking up, he met the woman he would marry. He moved on so easily, seemingly without a regret or moment to grieve. On the other hand, I suffered tremendously. The stress and depression produced the gray hairs on my head. It took probably a year to emerge from the sadness to a semi-normal mental state. Another year before I didn't catch myself thinking about him more than 10 seconds per day.
Early last year, I learned he was getting married by googling his name and hers. Vi has a unique spelling to her name which made it particularly easy to find them. Among the numerous google finds was a wedding page. In some strange way, knowing they got married helped me close the book on that lost life.
The envy question caused me to think again about them. It seemed logical they might be starting a family soon given her age. I tried looking them up in a couple places to see if they registered for a baby shower. Nothing. (Why do I torture myself with this cyberstalking?)
Next, I simply googled their names. A curious link appeared that listed a wedding album on a photographer's website. The names were correct though the wedding date was a week after their actual date. I knew it was probably them. The actual link I was directed to required a password. After some poking around, however, I found that I could see about 30 pictures without the password.
It was surreal. No doubt the photographer chose photos that reflected his style. The pictures showed the happy couple in a mix of engagement and wedding poses. Ryan still looked handsome. I haven't imagined his face in a long time. Some of the poses were very artsy. Cool, but not that appealing to me. Personally I like real photos, not ones that look like a fashion shoot with abstract poses, people out of focus, and poses at different distances and angles to each other. One or two might be interesting and fun, but when I think about looking back on them 30 years from now, they might seem silly. They had elated smiles on their faces. I was particularly mesmorized by a pose in the wedding attire where he was dipping her slightly and looking into her eyes. I felt sadness that love never developed in our relationship. What went wrong?
Seeing the pictures didn't make me cry. Instead I just felt pensive. It's hard for me to describe the emotions because I felt somewhat detached. Part of me thought it was too riche for me. She had perfect makeup and a lavish train on her dress. He wore long coattails. Maybe they fit well because they live a more yuppy life than what I prefer. While I like nice things, I suppose I never felt in his league because I just don't spend money like that. When I thought about it, I doubt I'd have planned a wedding like that. I wondered how much he wanted that wedding style or if it was all Vi's personality.
They looked happy, and that's good. I know I *should* forgive, and I try for my health. There are enough good things about the time we spent together that I have to appreciate meeting him. The little devil in me still would punch him if I ever ran into him.
It is what it is. I've told myself not to go there again. It serves no purpose to look at that stuff (and yet my curiousity got the better of me). I purposely waited to write about this because I knew I needed a little time. In fact, I forgot all about it this weekend with all the fun I had.
From the list, the most logical choice that came to mind was envy. Something in my upbringing, in my personality makes me think that everyone is smarter than me, happier than me, more accomplished than me, more loved than me, luckier than me. It's an awful mindset sometimes to live with because it's easy to go into a situation with a no-win attitude. And sometimes, the logic is to avoid trying because it's better than failing.
In that moment, when I thought about what I am envious of, my ex, Ryan, came to mind. Logically, I know it was for the best that we broke up, but it will always be a sore point for me. Within months of us breaking up, he met the woman he would marry. He moved on so easily, seemingly without a regret or moment to grieve. On the other hand, I suffered tremendously. The stress and depression produced the gray hairs on my head. It took probably a year to emerge from the sadness to a semi-normal mental state. Another year before I didn't catch myself thinking about him more than 10 seconds per day.
Early last year, I learned he was getting married by googling his name and hers. Vi has a unique spelling to her name which made it particularly easy to find them. Among the numerous google finds was a wedding page. In some strange way, knowing they got married helped me close the book on that lost life.
The envy question caused me to think again about them. It seemed logical they might be starting a family soon given her age. I tried looking them up in a couple places to see if they registered for a baby shower. Nothing. (Why do I torture myself with this cyberstalking?)
Next, I simply googled their names. A curious link appeared that listed a wedding album on a photographer's website. The names were correct though the wedding date was a week after their actual date. I knew it was probably them. The actual link I was directed to required a password. After some poking around, however, I found that I could see about 30 pictures without the password.
It was surreal. No doubt the photographer chose photos that reflected his style. The pictures showed the happy couple in a mix of engagement and wedding poses. Ryan still looked handsome. I haven't imagined his face in a long time. Some of the poses were very artsy. Cool, but not that appealing to me. Personally I like real photos, not ones that look like a fashion shoot with abstract poses, people out of focus, and poses at different distances and angles to each other. One or two might be interesting and fun, but when I think about looking back on them 30 years from now, they might seem silly. They had elated smiles on their faces. I was particularly mesmorized by a pose in the wedding attire where he was dipping her slightly and looking into her eyes. I felt sadness that love never developed in our relationship. What went wrong?
Seeing the pictures didn't make me cry. Instead I just felt pensive. It's hard for me to describe the emotions because I felt somewhat detached. Part of me thought it was too riche for me. She had perfect makeup and a lavish train on her dress. He wore long coattails. Maybe they fit well because they live a more yuppy life than what I prefer. While I like nice things, I suppose I never felt in his league because I just don't spend money like that. When I thought about it, I doubt I'd have planned a wedding like that. I wondered how much he wanted that wedding style or if it was all Vi's personality.
They looked happy, and that's good. I know I *should* forgive, and I try for my health. There are enough good things about the time we spent together that I have to appreciate meeting him. The little devil in me still would punch him if I ever ran into him.
It is what it is. I've told myself not to go there again. It serves no purpose to look at that stuff (and yet my curiousity got the better of me). I purposely waited to write about this because I knew I needed a little time. In fact, I forgot all about it this weekend with all the fun I had.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Needing purpose
Overall, the extended 4th of July weekend was quiet. I went shopping for an entire day which was exhausting. Shopping takes on a very different tone when you're actually looking to find something specific. I was supposed to spend some time cleaning the house, but I didn't get to far. What a surprise. ;)
Each day during this long weekend, I noticed people. I'd see couples at the mall. The guys either patiently waited in chairs or gave opinions on the girlfriend's outfit each time they stepped out of the fitting room. In the parking lots, families were getting kids in and out of their strollers and car seats or buying them a treat at the food court. Near home, I always observed families at the park - exploring the play equipment, shooting off toy rockets, having picnics, playing tennis. I've never noticed so many groups of people biking through the neighborhood streets together, such a wholesome family activity. I like the idea of the simple pleasures. I think this was a wonderful time for a lot of people.
Many of my friends were busy with family matters - parents visiting, future in-laws arriving for wedding, recently engaged couple preparing the new house for the parents' visit next month, boyfriend taking girlfriend for a getaway weekend.
Chi loaned me one of her books to read, The Between Boyfriends Book. I managed to read a few essays from the book over lunch the other day. I think she's hoping this will lighten my spirits and help me build the courage to try some more online dating. So far, reading has inspired me to consider different ways to write and incorporate my thoughts better.
I did spend a little time with friends on Monday night. We did our usual chatting before playing a game of "Bang!". The game is a little like "Mafia," if you have ever played. In "Bang!" there are several different strategies playing out. The sheriff and deputies want to kill the outlaws. The outlaws want the sheriff dead. The renegade has the toughest challenge in that he wants everyone dead, but the outlaws must die before the sheriff. (Got all that? ;) ) To make things even more challenging, you only know who the sheriff is at the start of the game. You must determine everyone else's identities based on their actions during the game. Ig made the bold move of trying to shoot the sheriff early in the game. Unfortunately, that also meant that within only two turns, the sheriff and two deputies managed to kill off him AND another outlaw - a very rare occurrence. We laughed while Ig sat stunned at how he could go from full health to four bullet wounds (life points in the game). Making the first move can make you a HUGE target.
Tuesday I went out to learn how to throw a Frisbee before attending a BBQ. Tim plays ultimate and was teaching Ig and me how to throw better. Boy, I'm out of shape. Who knew I could feel so tired just running after a Frisbee.
The BBQ was pleasant and mellow. It was nice to visit EJP's new home since I missed the housewarming. The only thing was that I felt like I was the only single person there. Later, a few other singles showed up, but year after year, the couples and families have begun to dominate the crowd.
I went home to meet up with Tim to watch a couple episodes of "How I Met Your Mother" before calling it a night. It's a very funny show. I also can't help like the fact that there are Asian people behind the scenes like someone named Kourtney Kang who has written some of the episodes. I wish I that good at identifying and retelling the humorous moments and the adventures I've shared with my friends over the years.
********************************************
In those moments of quiet at home, I realized that life has slowed a bit in the past few years. Ig joked that it's only because TJ is not here to organize a big party. Did he not want to admit things are changing? Still, I feel like something is missing.
Spending so much time alone also reminded me of this holiday, three years ago, the first weekend after I broke up with Ryan. It was a weekend of crying at home all day or going to friends' parties where I pretended to be fine after people would innocently ask, "hi, where's Ryan?"
I don't know why that memory came back to me. I think of him so rarely these days. Part of it was probably because I spent the 4th this year at EJP's, something I did that year, watched fireworks from the same hill where I watched that fatefull year EJP now live up the street from my old place, and because I wasn't with Tim who has been present the past two (one as a date, one as a friend).
Sitting on my couch, surfing the Internet while watching a old movie on Monday morning, I couldn't help look down the hall and up the stairs thinking there should be somebody there (like a toddler trying to stand up). I should feel lucky that I have the freedom to do what I want. I know I'd complain just as much if all my time was consumed by cleaning, cooking and diapers, but it all sounds so much more blissful right now. I always have this desire to feel needed, wanted, and that doesn't exist.
When it comes down to it, I've lost focus in my life. I feel like I'm just living day to day. I'm lonely; I just happen to keep busy enough to not notice. This is not where I expected to be. What is my purpose now? I know some people would say that I should forge my own path and not feel subject to society's (and my own) expectation that I should be married. Others reassure me that I will meet my man. (I suppose it's nice to hear that people think I'm a good person.)
The fact is that it's what I want NOW. I have my college degree; I earned an advanced degree; I bought a new car; I've had a few long-term relationships; I own property; I've had three careers; I've traveled every year. I feel like I've had my fun and had the opportunity to explore. Sure, I take classes for fun, but they're really just a time filler - a way to forget what's missing from my life. At this age, I expected to be raising a family. That was supposed to be part of my identity. My current instincts include cultivating and nurturing, but I am being denied the ability to act upon it.
It's not that I haven't tried to find a man to marry. I've been at this for some ten years now. There's no good explanation or excuse for the lack of success. But let's face it, if I could read the minds of my mother, her friends, and my aunts, they'd all be thinking the same thing. (Insert your own family's thoughts here.) I know they all think there's something wrong with me. I tend to wonder myself more and more. This is why I have a therapist.:->
I honestly feel like I'm about to reach a dead end. (I know... I'm being overly depressing. And though some say you shouldn't dwell on the negative, but I think it's important to acknowledge it, otherwise it's like ignoring a nail sticking out of your skull.) I feel desperate because I no longer want to be alone. Now, when I spy a nice guy at the store or at some event, he is usually too young or taken. Where can I go to meet people (in real time, not in cyberspace) who I can get to know them in a natural setting who are eligible and interested? (Ah, the holy grail of dating questions.) How can I rationally choose the right person?
Each day during this long weekend, I noticed people. I'd see couples at the mall. The guys either patiently waited in chairs or gave opinions on the girlfriend's outfit each time they stepped out of the fitting room. In the parking lots, families were getting kids in and out of their strollers and car seats or buying them a treat at the food court. Near home, I always observed families at the park - exploring the play equipment, shooting off toy rockets, having picnics, playing tennis. I've never noticed so many groups of people biking through the neighborhood streets together, such a wholesome family activity. I like the idea of the simple pleasures. I think this was a wonderful time for a lot of people.
Many of my friends were busy with family matters - parents visiting, future in-laws arriving for wedding, recently engaged couple preparing the new house for the parents' visit next month, boyfriend taking girlfriend for a getaway weekend.
Chi loaned me one of her books to read, The Between Boyfriends Book. I managed to read a few essays from the book over lunch the other day. I think she's hoping this will lighten my spirits and help me build the courage to try some more online dating. So far, reading has inspired me to consider different ways to write and incorporate my thoughts better.
I did spend a little time with friends on Monday night. We did our usual chatting before playing a game of "Bang!". The game is a little like "Mafia," if you have ever played. In "Bang!" there are several different strategies playing out. The sheriff and deputies want to kill the outlaws. The outlaws want the sheriff dead. The renegade has the toughest challenge in that he wants everyone dead, but the outlaws must die before the sheriff. (Got all that? ;) ) To make things even more challenging, you only know who the sheriff is at the start of the game. You must determine everyone else's identities based on their actions during the game. Ig made the bold move of trying to shoot the sheriff early in the game. Unfortunately, that also meant that within only two turns, the sheriff and two deputies managed to kill off him AND another outlaw - a very rare occurrence. We laughed while Ig sat stunned at how he could go from full health to four bullet wounds (life points in the game). Making the first move can make you a HUGE target.
Tuesday I went out to learn how to throw a Frisbee before attending a BBQ. Tim plays ultimate and was teaching Ig and me how to throw better. Boy, I'm out of shape. Who knew I could feel so tired just running after a Frisbee.
The BBQ was pleasant and mellow. It was nice to visit EJP's new home since I missed the housewarming. The only thing was that I felt like I was the only single person there. Later, a few other singles showed up, but year after year, the couples and families have begun to dominate the crowd.
I went home to meet up with Tim to watch a couple episodes of "How I Met Your Mother" before calling it a night. It's a very funny show. I also can't help like the fact that there are Asian people behind the scenes like someone named Kourtney Kang who has written some of the episodes. I wish I that good at identifying and retelling the humorous moments and the adventures I've shared with my friends over the years.
********************************************
In those moments of quiet at home, I realized that life has slowed a bit in the past few years. Ig joked that it's only because TJ is not here to organize a big party. Did he not want to admit things are changing? Still, I feel like something is missing.
Spending so much time alone also reminded me of this holiday, three years ago, the first weekend after I broke up with Ryan. It was a weekend of crying at home all day or going to friends' parties where I pretended to be fine after people would innocently ask, "hi, where's Ryan?"
I don't know why that memory came back to me. I think of him so rarely these days. Part of it was probably because I spent the 4th this year at EJP's, something I did that year, watched fireworks from the same hill where I watched that fatefull year EJP now live up the street from my old place, and because I wasn't with Tim who has been present the past two (one as a date, one as a friend).
Sitting on my couch, surfing the Internet while watching a old movie on Monday morning, I couldn't help look down the hall and up the stairs thinking there should be somebody there (like a toddler trying to stand up). I should feel lucky that I have the freedom to do what I want. I know I'd complain just as much if all my time was consumed by cleaning, cooking and diapers, but it all sounds so much more blissful right now. I always have this desire to feel needed, wanted, and that doesn't exist.
When it comes down to it, I've lost focus in my life. I feel like I'm just living day to day. I'm lonely; I just happen to keep busy enough to not notice. This is not where I expected to be. What is my purpose now? I know some people would say that I should forge my own path and not feel subject to society's (and my own) expectation that I should be married. Others reassure me that I will meet my man. (I suppose it's nice to hear that people think I'm a good person.)
The fact is that it's what I want NOW. I have my college degree; I earned an advanced degree; I bought a new car; I've had a few long-term relationships; I own property; I've had three careers; I've traveled every year. I feel like I've had my fun and had the opportunity to explore. Sure, I take classes for fun, but they're really just a time filler - a way to forget what's missing from my life. At this age, I expected to be raising a family. That was supposed to be part of my identity. My current instincts include cultivating and nurturing, but I am being denied the ability to act upon it.
It's not that I haven't tried to find a man to marry. I've been at this for some ten years now. There's no good explanation or excuse for the lack of success. But let's face it, if I could read the minds of my mother, her friends, and my aunts, they'd all be thinking the same thing. (Insert your own family's thoughts here.) I know they all think there's something wrong with me. I tend to wonder myself more and more. This is why I have a therapist.:->
I honestly feel like I'm about to reach a dead end. (I know... I'm being overly depressing. And though some say you shouldn't dwell on the negative, but I think it's important to acknowledge it, otherwise it's like ignoring a nail sticking out of your skull.) I feel desperate because I no longer want to be alone. Now, when I spy a nice guy at the store or at some event, he is usually too young or taken. Where can I go to meet people (in real time, not in cyberspace) who I can get to know them in a natural setting who are eligible and interested? (Ah, the holy grail of dating questions.) How can I rationally choose the right person?
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Dreams about the ex
I overslept a bit this morning. Two nights of barely five hours of sleep finally caught up with me. I woke up this morning after having a dream about my ex, Ryan. I'm thinking this happened because when I was going to the airport yesterday, I spotted someone who, from a distance, looked like him.
I dreamed about visiting his home. I don't know why I went there. Without ringing the door bell, I remember opening the front door myself. No one knew that I was there and I felt awkward. I could hear voices coming from the down hallway in front of me that veered left. The house was very clean, decorated with dark wood furnishings and chrome, modern but classy. I vaguely remember thinking about the shiny features around the console table in the foyer.
I must have walked into a study room or something on the first floor. I picked up a package of photos and a pen off a table or desk. The photos were in one of those yellow development envelopes from a store. I ventured upstairs holding them in my hand. (I think this package represents the photos that I never picked up from him just after we broke up.)
At some point, his wife, Vi, greeted me. She seemed a little annoyed but friendly. I think Ryan must have been busy on the phone. I was allowed to wait in the house. That led me to wander the upstairs. I was curious to see what the rest of the house looked like. The first bedroom I came across was painted a bright color. The room was furnished with the items that Ryan had once had in his master bedroom. I recognized the Baronet bedframe and dresser. My thought was that she chose to buy them new furniture for their bedroom.
I needed to use the restroom and entered the bathroom across the hall. The sink area was clearly decorated for a child. I can't recall if they were art on the tiles or actual toys, but there were little people everywhere on the counter. They didn't have children (somehow I knew this), but clearly she was preparing for the day.
I went back downstairs. Ryan was still on the phone. It must have been an important call for him not to come talk to me. Somehow though, I didn't care. Like I said, I don't remember the reason I went there in the first place. But I do remember that after waiting, I decided that I didn't need to talk to him and prepared to leave. I left the photos and pen I had been carrying amongest a stack of other photo envelopes. I debated whether or not they'd notice that I had touched it. I never looked at the photos.
Next, I let Vi know that I was leaving. She was friendly, and I recall seeing a "REI" label on the cropped jeans she was wearing. I didn't think they flattered her. I peaked around the corner to see into the kitchen. Ryan looked up, still talking to someone on the phone, non-chalantly waived to me, and then continued with his conversation.
Then, I left, making sure I pulled the front door closed.
Huh, only one other time have I had such a detailed dream about him in the past two years. It must be because of that guy I saw while waiting for the shuttle to the airport. When I saw the guy, it took me a few seconds to determine that it was not Ryan. Frankly, I knew it was highly unlikely since it wouldn't make sense to run into him there. As I stood there, I couldn't help wonder how I would react if I actually were to bump into him. Initially, I felt a little freaked by seeing the "fake" ex 20 feet away, but I didn't feel panicked. I have no desire to bump into him. Perhaps the good thing is that I didn't feel the desire to punch him. As much as I feel healthier today about what happened, he broke my heart and that will never change.
I dreamed about visiting his home. I don't know why I went there. Without ringing the door bell, I remember opening the front door myself. No one knew that I was there and I felt awkward. I could hear voices coming from the down hallway in front of me that veered left. The house was very clean, decorated with dark wood furnishings and chrome, modern but classy. I vaguely remember thinking about the shiny features around the console table in the foyer.
I must have walked into a study room or something on the first floor. I picked up a package of photos and a pen off a table or desk. The photos were in one of those yellow development envelopes from a store. I ventured upstairs holding them in my hand. (I think this package represents the photos that I never picked up from him just after we broke up.)
At some point, his wife, Vi, greeted me. She seemed a little annoyed but friendly. I think Ryan must have been busy on the phone. I was allowed to wait in the house. That led me to wander the upstairs. I was curious to see what the rest of the house looked like. The first bedroom I came across was painted a bright color. The room was furnished with the items that Ryan had once had in his master bedroom. I recognized the Baronet bedframe and dresser. My thought was that she chose to buy them new furniture for their bedroom.
I needed to use the restroom and entered the bathroom across the hall. The sink area was clearly decorated for a child. I can't recall if they were art on the tiles or actual toys, but there were little people everywhere on the counter. They didn't have children (somehow I knew this), but clearly she was preparing for the day.
I went back downstairs. Ryan was still on the phone. It must have been an important call for him not to come talk to me. Somehow though, I didn't care. Like I said, I don't remember the reason I went there in the first place. But I do remember that after waiting, I decided that I didn't need to talk to him and prepared to leave. I left the photos and pen I had been carrying amongest a stack of other photo envelopes. I debated whether or not they'd notice that I had touched it. I never looked at the photos.
Next, I let Vi know that I was leaving. She was friendly, and I recall seeing a "REI" label on the cropped jeans she was wearing. I didn't think they flattered her. I peaked around the corner to see into the kitchen. Ryan looked up, still talking to someone on the phone, non-chalantly waived to me, and then continued with his conversation.
Then, I left, making sure I pulled the front door closed.
Huh, only one other time have I had such a detailed dream about him in the past two years. It must be because of that guy I saw while waiting for the shuttle to the airport. When I saw the guy, it took me a few seconds to determine that it was not Ryan. Frankly, I knew it was highly unlikely since it wouldn't make sense to run into him there. As I stood there, I couldn't help wonder how I would react if I actually were to bump into him. Initially, I felt a little freaked by seeing the "fake" ex 20 feet away, but I didn't feel panicked. I have no desire to bump into him. Perhaps the good thing is that I didn't feel the desire to punch him. As much as I feel healthier today about what happened, he broke my heart and that will never change.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Old thoughts
If there's one thing I've come to accept, it's that memories will always be there. It's just a matter of what you do with them.
I caught up on the two episodes of "Gilmore Girls" that I missed while I was on vacation. The last scene with Lorelai and her mom (minor spoiler alert) made me think about my relationship with my own mother. Despite their difficult relationship, I was so touched to see her parents want to give her such a wonderful and generous wedding gift. It shows that deep down, her mother loves her very much (but we've always known that).
(And on a trivia note, I Lorelai mentioning Molly Ringwald funny. If you don't know, Lauren Graham, Jenna Elfman, and Molly Ringwald all once starred together in a short lived sitcom called "The Townies." I've always thought that Graham and Elfman ("Dharma & Greg") both have very similar, perky and quirky characters in their shows.)
I guess I kind of know that about my own mother. I know that if and when I get married, she will be a kind and thoughtful person (not on the scale of buying a house or anything but helping pay for a decent wedding). I know my parents want the best for me. I don't seek it out because I believe in being able to take care of myself.
It broke my heart to see her have to cry (and presumably explain) to her mother about the wedding being cancelled. It's so hard because you want it to happen, and you want your parents to not be disappointed. I'm very anxious to see tomorrow's episode.
Driving to work this morning, thoughts of that scene reminded me of this time, three years ago. I was about to go on a two-week holiday with my then boyfriend, Ryan. People didn't say it, but I know many people thought that he'd propose on the trip. We had been together for over a year. The fantasy had crossed my own mind, but I knew there was no chance of it happening. We were moving apart, and only we could sense it. I suppose neither of us was ready to admit it.
By the end of the summer, when we had broken up, memories of the trip especially stung because both he and I had friends who went to almost the exact same cities for their honeymoons that summer. I felt bitter that everyone else's trips to that region had been a celebration. It seemed as if fate were making fun of me.
Okay, enough wallowing... . At least I'm not waiting around for a reason to travel. Life's too short to work all the time. It's beautiful day. I'm going to try and get outta here early today!
I caught up on the two episodes of "Gilmore Girls" that I missed while I was on vacation. The last scene with Lorelai and her mom (minor spoiler alert) made me think about my relationship with my own mother. Despite their difficult relationship, I was so touched to see her parents want to give her such a wonderful and generous wedding gift. It shows that deep down, her mother loves her very much (but we've always known that).
(And on a trivia note, I Lorelai mentioning Molly Ringwald funny. If you don't know, Lauren Graham, Jenna Elfman, and Molly Ringwald all once starred together in a short lived sitcom called "The Townies." I've always thought that Graham and Elfman ("Dharma & Greg") both have very similar, perky and quirky characters in their shows.)
I guess I kind of know that about my own mother. I know that if and when I get married, she will be a kind and thoughtful person (not on the scale of buying a house or anything but helping pay for a decent wedding). I know my parents want the best for me. I don't seek it out because I believe in being able to take care of myself.
It broke my heart to see her have to cry (and presumably explain) to her mother about the wedding being cancelled. It's so hard because you want it to happen, and you want your parents to not be disappointed. I'm very anxious to see tomorrow's episode.
Driving to work this morning, thoughts of that scene reminded me of this time, three years ago. I was about to go on a two-week holiday with my then boyfriend, Ryan. People didn't say it, but I know many people thought that he'd propose on the trip. We had been together for over a year. The fantasy had crossed my own mind, but I knew there was no chance of it happening. We were moving apart, and only we could sense it. I suppose neither of us was ready to admit it.
By the end of the summer, when we had broken up, memories of the trip especially stung because both he and I had friends who went to almost the exact same cities for their honeymoons that summer. I felt bitter that everyone else's trips to that region had been a celebration. It seemed as if fate were making fun of me.
Okay, enough wallowing... . At least I'm not waiting around for a reason to travel. Life's too short to work all the time. It's beautiful day. I'm going to try and get outta here early today!
Monday, April 17, 2006
To train or not to train
Saturday night, I had some friends over for catching up and board games. Half the folks hadn't seen each other in many weeks. At first, there were multiple one-on-one conversations as people reacquainted themselves with little things. I put out several plates of snacks to keep everyone happy. (I'm still amazed at how much food we went through.) Eventually, we all got into a cozy circle in my living room.
It must be because the majority of the people present are married or part of a couple because the conversation steered, once again, towards my dating adventures. We all seem to enjoy living vicariously through others. I had turned to Hula joking about whether she might spot Waby the next time she and C3 go salsa dancing. Over hearing that, I was asked to summarize the weirdly honest Saturday date I had so that everyone could catch up. It turned into a funny little thing because the guys had such hilarious side comments about all the quirky details. Hula joked that should she end up dancing with the guy, she'll make sure to ask about what car he drives and how much he makes. ;) I wish I could be there to see how that one plays out. It can be entertaining when you know how to push people's buttons. >:) We're so bad.
Since TJ and Hula's husband knew little about KT, I resummarized my pre-birthday dinner. This time, I gave a more detailed description of the birthday card writing. Everyone agreed that it was a positive sign and that women probably read to much into these things. C3 even said that, now knowing he'd written more than just a signature, she felt he was interested in me since he took the time to write in the card. Still, the guys were harsh on KT and his lameness. Ja said the next time I invite him to a group event, the guys would take him aside and give him a bit of date training. That could be a very scary experience... .
So that was a big question put forth to me. Do I want to be a trainer? TJ's former girlfriend was an expert in this area. She has apparently trained many ex-boyfriend's. KT knows the little things like paying, doors, coats, etc., but he lacks vision of the greater expectations (LIKE CALLING ME OCCASIONALLY). Being somewhat clueless myself, I don't know that I could give him the proper guidance. (Besides, I'm not that great at teaching without criticizing and I fear it would give the wrong impression or turn me into some kind of MonsTeR. I just want to be me.) One of the guys said exactly what I have been thinking... that this is a chance to polish a gem in the rough. It's just hard to know if you can be successful with a 34-year-old man and whether you get to keep the prize or whether someone else will reap the rewards. I suppose I still feel burned by my ex, Ryan, and how someone else took the spoils.
Chi inadvertently started out next conversation as she approached the guest bathroom and commented, "speaking of training, someone needs to learn about toilet seats."
It was a good laugh. Ja was laying on his stomach. He is the sweetest, big and smart guy you'll meet. He turns into a big teddy bear around his wife. C3 gave him an affectionate pat on the head and said, "he still needs work in that area. That's been a low priority at home."
We laughed about how they've found a compromise in that there's one bathroom in their house where he needs to remember to put the seat back down while in the other bathroom he's allowed to leave it up.
TJ put in his own story. A couple of years ago, when he was trying online dating, he created a profile that used a Q&A to be different. Apparently one of the questions was whether he remembers to put the toilet seat down. The answer: "I've never had anyone fall in yet."
For the past year, he's been dating a younger, energetic woman, Giggles. A few months ago, she was at TJ's. I guess she wasn't paying attention and fell into the toilet. (Can you imagine if larger toilets become mainstream? I'm going to completely fall in rather than just get stuck - YUCK! ;)) TJ is now sad because if he ever has to resurrect that dating profile, he can't use that Q&A.
So back to my own dilemma. TJ asked how much I like this guy. He gave me a 1 to 10 scale. Chi added that for reference she equated 10 to wanting to marry the guy. That set off a bunch of jokes about where the sex part came in. Now that I think back to that night, I think we were using different scales. My response was somewhere between a 7 or 8, ignoring the cluelessness issue. TJ was really surprised that I would give the guy an '8.' But in my mind, I saw '5' as a middle point where I could go either way and anything less would have meant that I wasn't that interested. You'd think in my line of work I'd remember to set a proper frame of reference for the scale before providing an answer.
I think among the girlfriends who have heard me talk about this in detail, they can tell I really like him. The thing that gets me is that I don't feel like I can accurately describe why. There's still a lot of attraction based on first impression. KT and I still have many layers to peel back and learn about each other. I just know that I am willing to spend that time with him.
I have unleashed a monster called my well-meaning friends... . I had told them about KT inviting me to IM him online. I reminded them that I can't chat online at work because all communication applications are blocked. They then offered that I give them KT's ID and they could talk to him for me. Now there's a scary thought. It's all in good fun, but I can't help wonder what will slip out in conversation if and when they all meet KT. How upset would he be if he knew I'd been spilling all the details to my friends? Poor guy, just imagine, if he likes me, how concerned he is about making a good impression with all my friends. :) I can just imagine him sweating it out in his head. This will only make him more nervous (which is hard to imagine).
KT should be back from his weekend trip. I am anxious to hear from him. Why did my friends have to reassure me that he *is* interested in me? I need to find myself a distraction until then.
It must be because the majority of the people present are married or part of a couple because the conversation steered, once again, towards my dating adventures. We all seem to enjoy living vicariously through others. I had turned to Hula joking about whether she might spot Waby the next time she and C3 go salsa dancing. Over hearing that, I was asked to summarize the weirdly honest Saturday date I had so that everyone could catch up. It turned into a funny little thing because the guys had such hilarious side comments about all the quirky details. Hula joked that should she end up dancing with the guy, she'll make sure to ask about what car he drives and how much he makes. ;) I wish I could be there to see how that one plays out. It can be entertaining when you know how to push people's buttons. >:) We're so bad.
Since TJ and Hula's husband knew little about KT, I resummarized my pre-birthday dinner. This time, I gave a more detailed description of the birthday card writing. Everyone agreed that it was a positive sign and that women probably read to much into these things. C3 even said that, now knowing he'd written more than just a signature, she felt he was interested in me since he took the time to write in the card. Still, the guys were harsh on KT and his lameness. Ja said the next time I invite him to a group event, the guys would take him aside and give him a bit of date training. That could be a very scary experience... .
So that was a big question put forth to me. Do I want to be a trainer? TJ's former girlfriend was an expert in this area. She has apparently trained many ex-boyfriend's. KT knows the little things like paying, doors, coats, etc., but he lacks vision of the greater expectations (LIKE CALLING ME OCCASIONALLY). Being somewhat clueless myself, I don't know that I could give him the proper guidance. (Besides, I'm not that great at teaching without criticizing and I fear it would give the wrong impression or turn me into some kind of MonsTeR. I just want to be me.) One of the guys said exactly what I have been thinking... that this is a chance to polish a gem in the rough. It's just hard to know if you can be successful with a 34-year-old man and whether you get to keep the prize or whether someone else will reap the rewards. I suppose I still feel burned by my ex, Ryan, and how someone else took the spoils.
Chi inadvertently started out next conversation as she approached the guest bathroom and commented, "speaking of training, someone needs to learn about toilet seats."
It was a good laugh. Ja was laying on his stomach. He is the sweetest, big and smart guy you'll meet. He turns into a big teddy bear around his wife. C3 gave him an affectionate pat on the head and said, "he still needs work in that area. That's been a low priority at home."
We laughed about how they've found a compromise in that there's one bathroom in their house where he needs to remember to put the seat back down while in the other bathroom he's allowed to leave it up.
TJ put in his own story. A couple of years ago, when he was trying online dating, he created a profile that used a Q&A to be different. Apparently one of the questions was whether he remembers to put the toilet seat down. The answer: "I've never had anyone fall in yet."
For the past year, he's been dating a younger, energetic woman, Giggles. A few months ago, she was at TJ's. I guess she wasn't paying attention and fell into the toilet. (Can you imagine if larger toilets become mainstream? I'm going to completely fall in rather than just get stuck - YUCK! ;)) TJ is now sad because if he ever has to resurrect that dating profile, he can't use that Q&A.
So back to my own dilemma. TJ asked how much I like this guy. He gave me a 1 to 10 scale. Chi added that for reference she equated 10 to wanting to marry the guy. That set off a bunch of jokes about where the sex part came in. Now that I think back to that night, I think we were using different scales. My response was somewhere between a 7 or 8, ignoring the cluelessness issue. TJ was really surprised that I would give the guy an '8.' But in my mind, I saw '5' as a middle point where I could go either way and anything less would have meant that I wasn't that interested. You'd think in my line of work I'd remember to set a proper frame of reference for the scale before providing an answer.
I think among the girlfriends who have heard me talk about this in detail, they can tell I really like him. The thing that gets me is that I don't feel like I can accurately describe why. There's still a lot of attraction based on first impression. KT and I still have many layers to peel back and learn about each other. I just know that I am willing to spend that time with him.
I have unleashed a monster called my well-meaning friends... . I had told them about KT inviting me to IM him online. I reminded them that I can't chat online at work because all communication applications are blocked. They then offered that I give them KT's ID and they could talk to him for me. Now there's a scary thought. It's all in good fun, but I can't help wonder what will slip out in conversation if and when they all meet KT. How upset would he be if he knew I'd been spilling all the details to my friends? Poor guy, just imagine, if he likes me, how concerned he is about making a good impression with all my friends. :) I can just imagine him sweating it out in his head. This will only make him more nervous (which is hard to imagine).
KT should be back from his weekend trip. I am anxious to hear from him. Why did my friends have to reassure me that he *is* interested in me? I need to find myself a distraction until then.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
My obsessive-compulsive behavior
I was talking with Tim last night. I told him that I have a date on Saturday with KT. He seemed please and teased me about all the worrying and whining that I showed the past week.
We talked about what kinds of questions I have for KT. One of them involves a non-compute with some dates he gave me. When we first met, I swear he told me the range of years he spent at medical school, 1993 to 1998. Well, if he was in the same year as my friend, then he should have graduated in 1997. Something's not adding up here; medical school is a four-year program. Did he do some extra studies or take time off? I want to ask him about it, but Tim says the time has passed to ask.
I mentioned that I know the 1998 to be correct because I looked up his state medical license. Tim went off on me about being a stalker. He added that I am very obsessive and have a bad habit of "glomming on to things."
It's true, I have an odd tendency to focus too much on things and then can't let go. When I broke up with Ryan, I obsessed over him for months. I kept him on my instant messenger for months just so I could see him log in. I constantly wondered who he was talking to. At the time, we had both also just signed up on Friendster. I checked every day to see if he had logged in. I wondered if he was looking at my profile because he missed me or whether he was already browsing through all the singles girls looking for someone to date. That's how I figured out who he was dating. I looked her up too - I managed to figure out where she worked. (I lucked out because she had a very uniquely spelled first name and medically-related occupation.) It was so bad, I must admit I tried checking his answering machine once. It's kind of easy when you figure he used his birthdate as his code. Duh!
You have to understand that I've always been a bit of a detective and have a pretty good memory. I tend to recognize the license plates of most of my friends. If I go somewhere once, I don't need directions on the second visit. I was giving my parents directions at the age of 9.
When I was a kid, I figured out how to break into my house on three different occasions because I forgot my key. (The things you must do as a latch-key kid. Boy, was that a wake up call for me parents about locking up the house better.) In junior high, I figured out the locker combinations for over 50 lockers. I kept a log of every little thing I learned about a guy I had a crush on - birthday, address, parents and siblings names. (Ah, this is where it started... I should tell my therapist.) I suppose it was my way of feeling like I had a connection to them. In high school, I used to drive by this one guy's house every so often because I really liked him. That all stopped one night when he was sitting on the curb talking with a neighbor when I happened to drive by. Talk about dying of embarrassment!
Consciously, I know I shouldn't do it. But the temptation sometimes is just too much, especially when I need to procrastinate. I think it's also somewhat of a challenge, a game to me. I've dug up information on KT - I know his parents' names and ages. I know where he lives (got lucky). At least I know that everything he's told me has been true. (I checked on one guy once and saw that he fudged his age.)
The Internet is scary in that sense. I've also seen how much information there is on me. Those bastards have listed every city that I've lived in since college. There's no where to hide if you have a credit card or own property. At least I can say I've never done anything harmful or illegal with the information I acquire. That's not the point (at least for me). There probably is some sense of control and satisfaction involved. This is kind of like a drug addiction, eh?
Imagine what a freak KT would think I was if he knew? (And I'm sure that thought is running through your head as you read this.) He'd be running for the hills in a second. Hopefully someday I can tell him and he will laugh. For now, I'm just going to do my best to learn about him the old-fashioned way, by talking with him.
We talked about what kinds of questions I have for KT. One of them involves a non-compute with some dates he gave me. When we first met, I swear he told me the range of years he spent at medical school, 1993 to 1998. Well, if he was in the same year as my friend, then he should have graduated in 1997. Something's not adding up here; medical school is a four-year program. Did he do some extra studies or take time off? I want to ask him about it, but Tim says the time has passed to ask.
I mentioned that I know the 1998 to be correct because I looked up his state medical license. Tim went off on me about being a stalker. He added that I am very obsessive and have a bad habit of "glomming on to things."
It's true, I have an odd tendency to focus too much on things and then can't let go. When I broke up with Ryan, I obsessed over him for months. I kept him on my instant messenger for months just so I could see him log in. I constantly wondered who he was talking to. At the time, we had both also just signed up on Friendster. I checked every day to see if he had logged in. I wondered if he was looking at my profile because he missed me or whether he was already browsing through all the singles girls looking for someone to date. That's how I figured out who he was dating. I looked her up too - I managed to figure out where she worked. (I lucked out because she had a very uniquely spelled first name and medically-related occupation.) It was so bad, I must admit I tried checking his answering machine once. It's kind of easy when you figure he used his birthdate as his code. Duh!
You have to understand that I've always been a bit of a detective and have a pretty good memory. I tend to recognize the license plates of most of my friends. If I go somewhere once, I don't need directions on the second visit. I was giving my parents directions at the age of 9.
When I was a kid, I figured out how to break into my house on three different occasions because I forgot my key. (The things you must do as a latch-key kid. Boy, was that a wake up call for me parents about locking up the house better.) In junior high, I figured out the locker combinations for over 50 lockers. I kept a log of every little thing I learned about a guy I had a crush on - birthday, address, parents and siblings names. (Ah, this is where it started... I should tell my therapist.) I suppose it was my way of feeling like I had a connection to them. In high school, I used to drive by this one guy's house every so often because I really liked him. That all stopped one night when he was sitting on the curb talking with a neighbor when I happened to drive by. Talk about dying of embarrassment!
Consciously, I know I shouldn't do it. But the temptation sometimes is just too much, especially when I need to procrastinate. I think it's also somewhat of a challenge, a game to me. I've dug up information on KT - I know his parents' names and ages. I know where he lives (got lucky). At least I know that everything he's told me has been true. (I checked on one guy once and saw that he fudged his age.)
The Internet is scary in that sense. I've also seen how much information there is on me. Those bastards have listed every city that I've lived in since college. There's no where to hide if you have a credit card or own property. At least I can say I've never done anything harmful or illegal with the information I acquire. That's not the point (at least for me). There probably is some sense of control and satisfaction involved. This is kind of like a drug addiction, eh?
Imagine what a freak KT would think I was if he knew? (And I'm sure that thought is running through your head as you read this.) He'd be running for the hills in a second. Hopefully someday I can tell him and he will laugh. For now, I'm just going to do my best to learn about him the old-fashioned way, by talking with him.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Four years ago
It's been four years since I met my last long-term boyfriend. We met because Is wanted to browse Match.com and encouraged me to register. We thought it'd be entertaining to compare notes and see if we got e-mails from the same men. It was more for fun that having any intention to date. In fact, I had just told myself that I needed to just enjoy being me for awhile.
Of the dozens of e-mails I received, I answered one. Ryan had taken the time to thoughtfully respond to what I had written in my profile. The time and effort he put into his response deserved a reply compared to the lame one-liners that I had from others. I mean, come on, "Hey Princess you sound cute. Write me back." Do you think that line appeals to women? I don't have a picture posted so don't waste my time with things you don't mean.
Ryan, as it turned out, was an attorney, so it made a lot of sense to see how methodically and systematically he addressed interests I had mentioned in my description. We really hit it off. It was a great fairy tale meeting. We had exchanged pictures on a Thursday and agreed to talk on the phone for the first time the next Sunday. On Friday, I went swing dancing with a friend. He bumped into a female friend of his, and wouldn't you know it, the person she was with was Ryan. Small world... .
And for a year I thought we were happy. But when I didn't feel like the relationship was progressing, I talked to him. And in the course of a month, the relationship fell apart. He couldn't see marrying me. I couldn't eat; I could barely function. I felt deceived. I was heart broken. I dropped twenty pounds in less than two months. (And when you weigh less than 130 pounds, it's pretty dramatic.) I'm amazed I didn't get fired at work. To add insult to injury, two months after we stopped talking to each other, I saw him happily flirting with a woman who is now his wife. I have never experienced such darkness in my life. It still brings chills to my heart to think about how depressed I was. I pray I never go through that again.
As I started to come out of the darkness the following summer, I met Tim through a friend. He's such a laid-back and happy fellow. Our dating lasted only four months, but we continued to be friends. There have been times when the line got fuzzy, but here we are. I have to say I owe him a lot. He gave me faith in unconditional love and affection. I didn't think I could be whole again. Being best friends with him has taught me a lot about myself and how to communicate.
Healing is a slow, quiet process. I can't say there's a date I could officially claim myself 100% Ryan-free. I know that sometime last summer I reached the other side of tunnel. There's no way to know if something greater will come from a few dates with KT, but I do like to think that I'm finally emotionally healthy enough to accept the challenge. :)
Of the dozens of e-mails I received, I answered one. Ryan had taken the time to thoughtfully respond to what I had written in my profile. The time and effort he put into his response deserved a reply compared to the lame one-liners that I had from others. I mean, come on, "Hey Princess you sound cute. Write me back." Do you think that line appeals to women? I don't have a picture posted so don't waste my time with things you don't mean.
Ryan, as it turned out, was an attorney, so it made a lot of sense to see how methodically and systematically he addressed interests I had mentioned in my description. We really hit it off. It was a great fairy tale meeting. We had exchanged pictures on a Thursday and agreed to talk on the phone for the first time the next Sunday. On Friday, I went swing dancing with a friend. He bumped into a female friend of his, and wouldn't you know it, the person she was with was Ryan. Small world... .
And for a year I thought we were happy. But when I didn't feel like the relationship was progressing, I talked to him. And in the course of a month, the relationship fell apart. He couldn't see marrying me. I couldn't eat; I could barely function. I felt deceived. I was heart broken. I dropped twenty pounds in less than two months. (And when you weigh less than 130 pounds, it's pretty dramatic.) I'm amazed I didn't get fired at work. To add insult to injury, two months after we stopped talking to each other, I saw him happily flirting with a woman who is now his wife. I have never experienced such darkness in my life. It still brings chills to my heart to think about how depressed I was. I pray I never go through that again.
As I started to come out of the darkness the following summer, I met Tim through a friend. He's such a laid-back and happy fellow. Our dating lasted only four months, but we continued to be friends. There have been times when the line got fuzzy, but here we are. I have to say I owe him a lot. He gave me faith in unconditional love and affection. I didn't think I could be whole again. Being best friends with him has taught me a lot about myself and how to communicate.
Healing is a slow, quiet process. I can't say there's a date I could officially claim myself 100% Ryan-free. I know that sometime last summer I reached the other side of tunnel. There's no way to know if something greater will come from a few dates with KT, but I do like to think that I'm finally emotionally healthy enough to accept the challenge. :)
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Removing all traces
I cleaned out all of KT's e-mail to me this morning. I tucked them in a folder so that they are no longer in clear view. It just irked me whenever I saw his name in my inbox list. I got obsessive about rereading his writings hoping to discover some inkling that would tell me what the hell is going on in that jumbled (or barren) brain of his.
I have a problem letting go sometimes. For months after I broke up with Ryan, I still had him on my YM list. It was my way of knowing where he has, feeling like I still had a link to him. It's amazing how much better I focused on work once hit "delete." Of course, I admittedly still have all his phone numbers programmed into my cell phone. I haven't call the dork in two years and don't foresee ever calling unless alcohol magically ends up becoming an enabler for me rather than a indirect sleep aid and heat source (Asian drinking curse). Why can't I delete those numbers? Does it give me some feeling of power?
Excuses for KT...
- he just wants to be friends
- he wants someone Catholic
- I'm too independent for him
- he's planning the perfect date (eh, yeah right, and my name is Elmer Fudd and I own a mansion and a yacht)
- he's still not sure he's interested
- he's shy (yeah, I think we've proved that theory wrong)
- he wants to go slow because he got burned the last time
- he doesn't feel professionally/personally secure yet to be serious (i.e. he needs to move out of his parents house so that he can get down with a woman)
- he still wants to "play" (doesn't sound like the case)
- he wants to make friends through me
- he's really busy
- Mama's boy
- he's dating several other women
- he's scared/intimidated of/by me
- he's a selfish bastard who thinks he can get whatever he wants (too harsh of me?)
- I'm too old for him :(( (just put me out of my misery now)
Oh this is getting fun... but I'd better get back to work.
I have a problem letting go sometimes. For months after I broke up with Ryan, I still had him on my YM list. It was my way of knowing where he has, feeling like I still had a link to him. It's amazing how much better I focused on work once hit "delete." Of course, I admittedly still have all his phone numbers programmed into my cell phone. I haven't call the dork in two years and don't foresee ever calling unless alcohol magically ends up becoming an enabler for me rather than a indirect sleep aid and heat source (Asian drinking curse). Why can't I delete those numbers? Does it give me some feeling of power?
Excuses for KT...
- he just wants to be friends
- he wants someone Catholic
- I'm too independent for him
- he's planning the perfect date (eh, yeah right, and my name is Elmer Fudd and I own a mansion and a yacht)
- he's still not sure he's interested
- he's shy (yeah, I think we've proved that theory wrong)
- he wants to go slow because he got burned the last time
- he doesn't feel professionally/personally secure yet to be serious (i.e. he needs to move out of his parents house so that he can get down with a woman)
- he still wants to "play" (doesn't sound like the case)
- he wants to make friends through me
- he's really busy
- Mama's boy
- he's dating several other women
- he's scared/intimidated of/by me
- he's a selfish bastard who thinks he can get whatever he wants (too harsh of me?)
- I'm too old for him :(( (just put me out of my misery now)
Oh this is getting fun... but I'd better get back to work.
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