If I had the skills then

Over the weekend, Tim and I attended our first wedding as a married couple. It was also interesting because they got engaged two months before us but had six months longer to plan the event. For me, this was a significant outing because it actually meant that I got to dress up.

The bride, Chi, and I met years ago through mutual friends. We were both single gals living in the same city. She initiated the friendship by encouraging me to call her to go hiking and golfing. "Saving Face" came out around the time we met, so Chi often joked that she was worried I thought she was hitting on me. Oh, we were silly gals.

I've now been unemployed for over four months. That combined with cohabitation of my little place has made for a living situation that is new and unexpected. For one thing, my closet has filled up with various items that we've had to "hide" from visiting guests and numerous intrusions but construction or cleaning people. The problem is that I've had little reasons to clean up the closet since I've been wearing jeans and long sleeve knit shirts virtually everyday. The skirts, slacks, blouses, and sweaters neatly organized and hanging in my closet haven't seen daylight since last fall. Other than climbing around to get to my ski clothes, I forget that I own all that stuff.

I considered buying a new dress for the occasion but didn't find anything affordable. Besides, I realized after trying on some cute and sexy BCBG dresses that, sadly, I'm getting to old for them. I dug out all my cute floral dresses knowing that we would have decent spring weather. The dress I wanted to wear turned out to be a bit tight around the shoulders. Tim convinced me that I should wear this black dress with red and fushia flowers. It's a nice dress, but I was disappointed that the neckline came up to my collarbone and failed to show off any part of my chest. I felt like an old lady.

As hot rollers reprogrammed my hair to curl, I proceeded to prepare my face. While I'm someone who doesn't typically wear a lot of makeup each day, I have developed a better sense of what looks good on me over the years. I must say that going through the wedding process and having several trial makeup sessions at the department stores was very educational. I know to add a darker shade color in the far corners of my eyes and highlight my brow bones with a light color. When I first bought the my bottle of Le Blanc de Chanel Sheer Base, I felt some major buyer's remorse. How would someone like me possibly finish a $45 bottle of white liquid before it goes bad? I was thrilled to have purchase my Rouge Double Intensite lip colour in Violet Sapphire. More recently, however, I have come to appreciate my Chanel items more. I've been late to makeup party, but I'm here now.

An hour and one half later, after the eye liner, the eyebrow brush, concealer, foundation, an angle brush with powder, three colors of eyeshadow, a tug-of-war with many individual false eyelashes, and a quick brush of deep red nail polish on my toenails, my awesome lip colour, two egg-sized mounds of mousse, and dozens of spritzes of hair spray I felt confident that I looked HOT. (Okay, not a supermodel or anything that fantastic but damned cute and potentially sexy.) Looking at myself in the mirror, I couldn't helped be impressed that I'd actually managed to figure out how to do this right.

Then my mind wondered how different my 20s could have been if I had made this kind of effort on a regular basis. Would I have been willing to sacrifice (invest) an hour of my life each day to look more attractive? It's difficult for me to imagine, but there are many women who go through this every day (and some are rich enough to pay someone to do it for them). It does look good, but I guess I never believed it was good use of my time (because I could be sleeping instead). I can't help be curious about the "what if." That confidence probably would have extended beyond my face and made me more comfortable wearing more flattering, fashionable clothing. What kind of men would I have attracted/dated? Would I have been married earlier? Would it have changed how my career experiences? Who might I be now? I browse places like Forever 21, Anthropologie, and H&M. Occaisionally, I find little gems that I love, but mostly I know they'd just look odd on me not only because of my body shape but because of my age. I feel like my interest peaked a decade late... oh well. ;)

I still don't wear makeup that often and have definitely been out of practice recently. I realize that even if I'm just running errands that it really is an ego boost to wear a little makeup and look good while one is out with people. A little bit of definition and color couldn't hurt.

When being too nice makes for no plans

I *really* *really* should be working right now, but I need to get this off my mind for a little while.

Despite the fact that the main wedding planning is going well, I seem to be sprouting bits of bad luck when it comes to bridesmaids and bridal showers. First, there was the uncomfortable situation of my childhood best friend wanting to be a bridesmaid despite learning that she'd be 8.5 months pregnant by the time of the wedding. Without outright telling her I changed my mind, I had to give her strong reasons to consider not attending the wedding 400 miles away from her doctor and hospital. The logic of not coming to my wedding only started to sink in after discussing it with her husband and local friends. In the end, it worked out because her due date was moved up and she's staying put.

Now, I've got another sticky wicket. Nvy was the first to offer to throw me a shower. This was back in March when I first told her the good news. The following week, Childhood BF also offered. When I found out there was a risk CBF could not attend, I asked my other close friend to be in the wedding. She also offered to host. I really can't complain about having three wonderful friends offer to host a shower for me except for one fact, none of them live within four hours of me.

I thought I had it all worked out. CBF and alternate bridesmaid would host near my home town and I'd ask Nvy to come up and host here with the help of a local friend. It seemed the like the best arrangement seeing as how I want to avoid making CBF travel during pregnancy and AltBM is traveling from the East Coast so I want her to be able to see her family during here trip to the West Coast. That would create a small 5-7 person away shower and a 14-18 person local shower.

Now, now that's not quite what's going to happen. Nvy and her husband were in a business with another person. This other person, RzrBurn, has gone a little psycho over the years. We all know each other from grad school. Suffice to say, RzrBurn married psycho wife who married him for his money, realized he wasn't really rich, and drove him nuts. Now that the divorce is not going his way, he's doing all he can to bankrupt himself so that she gets nothing. (He's also going to be defaulting on his child support.)

Unfortunately, that means he dragged down his business partners with him. Nvy and hubby are now struggling to run the business themselves without stretching themselves thin (did I mention they have two small kids). So, she obviously can't help plan a bridal shower with all that's going on. She feels awful about it, but it's no one's fault. How could anyone possibly predict such a crappy outcome from a man who was once considered a friend?

So now what? I already suggested to AltBM that I'd make it convenient by having a shower near home for her. But that means that I don't have anyone to give me a shower where I live now, where most of my friends live. I feel awkward at the thought of asking her to change her plans and come here for the shower. Yet, I feel like I should have a litte leeway as the bride to do what works best for me.

The alternative is to ask a friend here to help out. But the whole point of a shower is for someone to offer. I can't ask, that's not proper etiquette. I feel completely awkward doing that. ARGH. I have had a couple people offer to help me with the "anything" for wedding in general, but I don't know if that amounts to permission to ask them to organize the shower versus simply stuffing invitation envelopes.

I'm kind of kicking myself for trying so hard to accommodate everyone else since now I feel like I've left myself in a pathetic position. So what's the politically correct, Emily Post way to make things work?

Technology relativity

I've been exchanging a couple e-mails with my cousin to get hints at what types of gifts I might buy for her kids this year. It's getting more challenging as they grow older. Long, long ago I figured that when they reached the age of twelve that I'd have to change strategies. Well, that time has arrived for one of them. Even last year, I didn't really send him toys.

My cousin was asking about seeing photos from my trip. I told her I had created an album in Facebook. I had also mentioned talking to another cousin while connecting with each other through LinkedIn. Here was her response the next day:

"I'm so out of it - I have no idea how to text message, I've never logged into Facebook, and I just heard about LinkedIn last month. Yet here I am, a firmware developer working in a [tech-related] company."

I couldn't help laugh at this comment. She's in her mid-forties, but I would have naturally expected her to be familiar with at least some of the stuff for two reasons: 1) she's in technology and you'd think that such information would filter through her company, and 2) having kids that are nearing middle school would keep them abreast of coming fads and interests.

It's still difficult for me to understand how younger generations rely on these formats more than live voice or face-to-face communications. The more I use them, however, I find that I appreciate the conveniences a little more. I would never label myself as cutting edge, but I at least am aware of these modern technologies and have used all three mentioned. Certainly, I'm ahead of my non-technology industry friends. Part of me wonders how much my familiarity is partially due to living in a techie area that is known for cutting edge innovations. Another part of me wonders how much of a dinosaur I will become in ten years as I fall behind in technology.

Sorry, my interpreter is not here

This is another one of those examples of me failing to take things at face value, reading too much into things, or general cluelessness.

I stopped by the library after work yesterday to return some books. I happened to spot a space directly in front of the building entrance. Remembering the fine parallel parking lessons given to me by Mr. R (who was also our math teacher), I pulled forward to line myself up with the car ahead of my space.

As I was backing in, I noticed a guy crossing the street. He stopped just before passing in front of me to look back at his car, pointing his key fob back towards his car. I didn't think much of it other than, "he must have forgotten to lock his car."

Just about when half my car has passed the left corner of the front car, I turned my wheel counterclockwise to begin straightening into the parking space. My eyes moved up to the rear view mirror to see how close I was to the minivan behind me.

Momentarily distracted by the fact I was a tad too far away from the curb, I stopped to realize that it looked like I was about the hit the minivan. After driving a sedan for ten years having rear cargo space is tough to adjust to because I tend to think I'm closer to objects than I actually am. I don't think I hit the minivan.

I tried to move myself in closer to the curb but gave up after one attempt. My stop would probably be less than 10 minutes so why fret over a parking job that few people would notice.

To take advantage of the warm weather, I was dressed in a deep blue, ruched shirt that picked up the blue circles in my geranium pink and yellow skirt. I walked in and headed straight for the return slots. As I turned to my left, I quickly noticed a guy waiting in the circulation line. He seemed to be glancing at me.

Once I had dropped off my books, I walked around the circulation to find a book. As I passed the line, I realized the guy at the front of the line was the guy who had crossed the street earlier. He was probably in his 30s, dark-skinned (probably Indian), and wearing his sunglasses. He appeared to be having a friendly conversation with a slightly older woman behind him.

When I walked within 10 feet, he looked towards me (so I assume since he was wearing dark sunglasses) and commented, "nice parking job" in a lovely British accent.

I had no idea what to think of his comment. I simply put on a big smile and walked past the two of them. There was no sarcasm in his voice, he seemed perfectly normal. And yet, I wasn't sure why he was talking to me. My typical reaction is to think that somehow I'm being teased or made fun of. (Such is my reaction from many elementary years of playmate teasing.)

As I walked out of the library, I thought about the situation. Was he making fun? Did I almost bump him while I was trying to park? Was he simply being friendly? Was he trying to hit on me because I looked cute?

What should I have said or done?

I hopped in my car and got ready to leave. I couldn't help look over to where I thought he came from and saw a shiny, black Audi TT parked with generous spacing between it and the cars sandwiching it. The rim of the alloy wheel looked scratch from curb scrapes.

5th graders out of control

Yikes, I just read about this incident. I'm trying to think back to my own life as a 5th-grader. I remember hearing about a guy from my class going on a date with a girl from another class. She had left her purse at his house, and he gave it to her in class. I remember being surprised to see this happen.

I wasn't exactly part of the popular or more "mature" crowd. There was definitely socializing among the girls and boys. Naturally there were crushes and flirting going on, but nothing obvious came of them.

I remember buying a book in 6th grade called, "Figuring Boys Out." I really didn't understand the dynamics between boys and girls. (And, I still feel clueless some days.) The one story from the book that I remember is about a girl who bought this cool skirt. It had a zebra pattern with faux suede tassles. She was excited to wear it to school. Unfortunatley, a couple of boys made fun of her skirt at school that day, and she was devastated. Her mother was furious because her daughter refused to wear the skirt ever again. It was only in hindsight that she realized one of the boys who teased her like her. This example was to demonstrate that boys use teasing to get the attention of girls they like.

While I understand this to some extent, I still don't understand how to discern between someone who likes you and someone who has malice towards you. I still think there are people out there who would do that to put you down to make themselves feel superior. What's the difference?

Anyhow, I ramble...

It's just really frightening what kids come up with these days. No doubt the idea came from kids who have been watching to much television. Sex and violence are so intergrated into every form of media these days, it's hard to avoid. No doubt these kids saw something on the Internet or on television showing the "fun" and "popularity" resulting from sex and decided to experiment. It's really scary to think about how difficult it is to protect children from such situations. Life seemed so much simpler and more innocent twenty... oops, I mean thrity (ouch!) years ago.

--------------------------------------------------
Authorities: Fifth-graders posted lookout, had sex in class

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (AP) -- Five fifth-grade students face criminal charges after authorities said four of them had sex in front of other students in an unsupervised classroom and kept a classmate posted as a lookout for teachers.

The students were arrested Tuesday at the Spearsville school in rural north Louisiana, authorities said. Two 11-year-old girls, a 12-year-old boy and a 13-year old boy were charged with obscenity, a felony. An 11-year-old boy, the alleged lookout, was charged with being an accessory.

"After 44 years of doing this work, nothing shocks me anymore," said Union Parish Sheriff Bob Buckley. "But this comes pretty close."

Authorities said the incident happened March 27 at the school, which houses students from kindergarten through 12th grade. A high school teacher normally watches the fifth-grade class at the time, but went to an assembly for older students and the class was inadvertently left unattended, Buckley said. (Watch authorities try to determine if a crime was committedVideo)

The class, which had around 10 other students, was alone for about 15 minutes, he said.

"When no teacher showed up, the four began to have sex in the classroom with the other elementary students in the classroom with them," he said.

It took a day for authorities to find out about the incident. A student who had been in the class told a high school student about it the next day, Buckley said. The student told a teacher, and school officials notified the sheriff's office. Detectives began questioning students Thursday.

School officials did not return calls seeking comment.

The students, who were not identified because of their age, were released to their parents after their arrests, Buckley said. They will next be arraigned in juvenile court.

A message seeking comment from the district attorney was not immediately returned.

Buckley said it was unclear what penalties the children could face.

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Extending reach

I had lunch with Hula the other day. She asked me how the dating is going. I told her about my recent, dead-end dates and fruitless e-mail exchanges. While she racked her brains for suggestions about how to improve my interactions, she mentioned something that I think might have been part of the problem with my dates last week.

It's probably part of my personality. I'm a very fact-based person and probably ask question in that manner. To engage people in conversation, I need to state questions in a form that generates an opportunity for the other person to share their opinion, not just spew information. For example, rather than just discuss cars, I could ask his opinon on the attitude of American versus Japanese carmakers towards innovation and who will survive. The next skill I need to develop is how to direct those questions into answers that will tell me something about the guy's values, beliefs, and how he thinks. That's what will help both of us determine whether we're compatible.

It's a challenge for me because it's not obvious how to do this. This would be good for me to learn how to do in many social situations, not just dating. I think part of the problem is that I've built up this notion in my head that questions that probe more might be perceived as nosy or too personal.

****************

Lately, I have received some requests for contact from guys who live outside of the state. I know I should keep an open mind, but it's just so far... .

It's one thing to decided to date someone who you've previously known through friends. At least you have a sense of them. But to start communicating with someone who is hundreds of miles away and whom you know nothing about makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps I'm just too jaded, but the back of my mind questions whether these guys are living double lives. How do I know that they're really who they say they are? How would I know if they're married or have girlfriends?

If they seem interesting and look decent, I'd probably reply. I'm just not thrilled at the idea of trying to get to know someone remotely. I considered it once but quickly realized that I wasn't comfortable with it.

Fighting myself in the new year

To celebrate the Lunar New Year, my father's friend, Uncle invited me to join his family for dinner over the weekend. He lives nearby and has been trying to invite me over for several years. This is the first time I was available.

When I was a toddler, I used to play with his daughter, who is one year older. I remember watching old slide shows and wondering who the little girl was standing next to me at this park. We haven't met since those days when both families were in the Midwest.

I thought that it was just going to be eating with the family. It concerned me that dinner would feel intimidating and awkward. Still, I felt it somewhat of an obligation since it is a my father's good friend. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that it was a larger group. There were other "kids" invited who's fathers went to school with Uncle or are neighbors. Our ages probably ranged from 26 to 37. We were strangers, linked by a parental six degrees of separation.

Feminist is the daughter. She and her now husband were together 11 years before they married. My mother thought Feminist was uncomfortable marrying Orange because he isn't Chinese. What I learned is that she simply didn't feel it necessary to conform to the expectations of society. It had nothing to do with her commitment to Orange. When someone asked why they finally did marry, she said the influence of her family changed her mind, though she didn't expand on the exact reasons. Hearing all this made me realize how skewed my mother's conclusions about people can be and that I should be careful in presenting and accepting opinions.

AussieMBA and SDTeach are high school classmates and neighbors of the son, LowInc. It was slow to make conversation at first. Thank goodness for food. When two brothers arrived, I naturally took notice of them. Part of me wondered if there was some setup involved though how could Uncle know whether I was single. The taller of the two wore glasses, Disorganized, appeared slightly more attractive and seemed more outgoing. The brother, Emerald, seemed average and turned out to be pretty quiet. His face seemed familiar, maybe I've seen his picture on a dating website in the past. Disorganized turned out to be the younger brother.

Naturally, the conversations began by asking each other about our professions and where we live. Feminist is very active in her academic pursuits and Asian-American ideals. She was dressed in a fashionable yet eccentric wearing an overlength, fitted tee that had bell sleeves over another t-shirt and fitted pants. Her black-rimmed glasses gave her that intellectual look.

The brothers are both physicians. Feminist grew up with them as her neighbor in NY. She hadn't seen them since secondary school and was curious to hear about them. Both are more recent transplants to California (past 2-3 years). Their older brother still lives in NY. As she inquired more about them, I got the sense that they haven't developed many friends or resources here. I would imagine their busy schedules don't allow for much time to socialize like I do.

Part of me was naturally curious about the younger brother given he was more sociable and attractive. Another part of me felt wary of lavishing too much attention towards the guys. Growing up, there has always been that image of the ideal boy to match up daughters with - a doctor being one of the biggest trophies among mothers. I think part of me shies away from these types because of my mother. Ah, rebellion. I've seen her swoon over other perceived "good catches." I can't stand the idea of my mother boasting to all her friends about me dating a doctor even though she knows nothing about him. It's a real struggle within myself because I want my mother to approve and yet I don't want to conform to her expectations. Do I end up sabotaging myself because of her?

I, myself, fear wanting to date a doctor more for what he makes than who he is. Financial security is a nice thing, but I worry about putting that before other things or allowing the fact to compensate for a personality flaw that I normally might not put up with. I'd love to be able to afford to be a stay-at-home mother for those early years. Judging someone on paper facts is natural, but I don't like that it can cloud my judgement.

Another reason I tend to be skeptical of dating doctors is because they are doctors. Besides the potential for cockiness and related personalty quirks, they're just plain busy people. This is probably more of an issue to me than anything else. They are controlled by their schedules and patients, not the other way around. Then again, maybe it'd all be alright because I like having some time to myself. It would take a lot of communication and patience to live with the unpredictability and inflexibility.

Basically, I did my best to treat them as I did other people. SDTeach was the one who showcased them a bit. She's really into "Grey's Anatomy" and was curious to hear about the real life of doctors. She asked the guys if anything from the show is like their work. The brother chuckled at the question. Both have heard of the show but never really watched it. From what they'd heard, they explained that their work is much more boring and routine than anything on tv. Still, she continued to ask questions about what types of illness they see and the interactions they have with their staff. She wanted to know if it's true that doctors have close relationships with their nurses, though nothing like all the sex we see on the show. It was amusing to see her so intrigued and curious.

Her job and stories were actually much more interesting. SDTeach works with high-risk teenagers. She's taught at juvenile hall. It's always impressive to hear about people who are willing to risk themselves and thrive on working with trouble youth. I can't imagine she looks that tough and authoritative and yet she manages to generate respect among the kids.

The evening went pretty well. People slowly broke off into different conversations as the night progressed. At one point, Disorganized sat on the same couch as me. When he found out where I live, he asked for recommendations on where he might look for a place to buy. I racked my brain and suggested this new development that would be a good location between where he works and where he likes to hang out.

All seemed to be going well until I made one out of place comment. After describing the housing development, I cautioned that the condos could be a bit pricey. I should have left it there. But then, as usual, my mouth accelerated past my common sense circuits and said, "but you're a doctor so you should be fine." That seemed to cool the conversation a bit. OOPS, oh well. (I really need to learn to NOT think aloud.)

It was getting late, so I said my thanks yous and goodbyes. Feminist said that she'd collect everyone's e-mails and keep us all in touch with each other. Alas, she's never shared everyone's e-mails. It's seems she's keeping them for herself. I don't know if I actually want anything from either of the brothers. Maybe I'm just disappointed that I don't seem to generate much attention from guys in general. It was nice to meet some new people. I hope that maybe Feminist and I can become better acquainted though I'm not sure how much we have in common.

Bar scenes

I went to a charity event for a local volunteer organization. C3 is feeling like she needs to be more social and would like to start volunteering. This organization held a social at a trendy bar in the area. I have actually volunteered with this group once and learned about it from Chi. C3 had never heard of the group and thought this social gathering would be a good way to check out the members.

I've never been into bar scenes. The social etiquette and small talk is very awkward for me. (They should offer a class for people like me. ;) ) The people there were mostly friendly. The funny thing, to me, was that virtually all the people we met were people who had never volunteered through the organization and were "checking it out." Frankly, I couldn't help wonder how many of these people were using this social function as a way to network and perhaps meet potential singles.

The bar was basically a wide hallway, separated by what I thought was frosted glass but later realized was a wall of metal beads. Behind the counter, the bottles of liquored were displayed on shelves backlighted with red light. The design was modern with dark wood, chrome , and leather cube seating.

I weaved my way through the crowd to find C3. She was talking to a man and woman. They had all connected because they each had worked for PWC at some point in their careers, though in different groups. She told me I missed out on this snooty European woman who thought she was better than everyone else and tended to put a damper on conversations.

The guy seemed like a decent Asian man. Part of me couldn't help size him up for potential dating. I recall thinking, "yeah, I'd go on a date with this guy." He had indicated that he was in his early 30s. After talking about our undergrad experiences, he asked what year we graduated. He was surprised to hear that we were near his age. He even commented that we looked younger. I wondered if he was disappointed to hear we were older than him. That negative little bug in my head thought, "there goes getting exchanging e-mails." Let's face it, a large percentage of men want to date someone younger than or the same age as them if they're thinking about marriage. We stepped up to the bar for drinks. He excused himself for the restroom and said he'd return. I never saw him again.

After talking with each other for awhile, C3 and I approached another group of people. This time I recognized one of the guys. Arms is a guy who knows some of our other friends, like TJ, and who I have run into a couple times at speed dating events. Nothing ever happened even though we "matched," not even a coffee date. We exchanged friendly hellos. I caught him up on the whereabouts of some folks. There were also two other guys there, Gir and E.

I suppose if I really wanted to mingle and meet more men, I should have moved around the room more. Instead I stood and talked with Arms and E. C3 spent some time talking with Gir. E seemed like a decent guy. We even grew up in the same area of SoCal and discussed locations for good Mexican food. Alas, he is eight years my junior. Probably a nice guy to hang out with, but he's at a different stage of life than me.

Just before 8:30pm I let everyone know I was heading out. I said that I wanted to get home to watch the premiere of "Lost." Arms asked why I wasn't just recording the show. I explained my preference to watch in HD, and that launched into an information session on how he could do the same and ditch his cable.

I made it home with one minute to spare. :)

*****

I'm trying; I give myself credit for that. I really need to let go of attending these events for the slim hope of getting a date, and yet, I would just stay home if I didn't have that underlying goal in mind. I'm dragging myself to another happy hour event next week. No wingman to come with me next time.

Age of volunteering

I recently volunteered at the local dragonboat racing event. I had the choice of either helping out at the children's craft tent or marshalling the rowers at the docks.

There was some confusion in the early morning. The person at volunteer check-in asked me to go down to the dock first. At the gate, the two volunteers I encountered said that everything was fine and no additional volunteers were needed.

So, I headed over to the big tent. Along the way, I stopped at the volunteer table to tell her there was no need for additional people at the docks. Another woman had just walked up to inquire about the person in charge of the children's area. No one was there to set up.

Indeed, when I got to the tables, there was one guy opening the boxes of craft materials. It wasn't clear he knew what he was doing. Two other girls and a young boy were standing around waiting. Soon after, three girls more showed up. They looked as if they were in their teens. They were finishing their free breakfast muffins and chatting. The guy had told them to unpack things from the boxes. When they started randomly opening any package they grabbed, I cautioned them because it was obvious from looking at the boxes that the unopened supplies were extra. It made sense to use the bags that were already open first rather than have beads and foam shapes loose everywhere. I felt like a mom around all these girls.

Once everything was on the table, we stood around again. I went to get myself a muffin. While I was at the food table, I overheard one of the coordinators say they were still short two people for the docks. I let her know that there was still no coordinator for the craft tables. She then asked if I would go down to the docks, I said, "sure."

At the docks, there were three people per dock, dressed in PFDs. They looked as young as the girls at the craft tables. The coordinator was am adult, with bullhorn and clipboard in hand. He clearly had experience running this event as he was very methodical in directing the teams to their boats in an orderly fashion.

On the upper dock was one guy. He seemed a little more mature. It turns out he is a grad student. In my mind, I still couldn't help think I was probably a decade older. I was wearing a beach hat to shade my face from the sun, so maybe I looked younger to everyone.

The racing heats varied. I'd say the majority of the teams were high school groups. Boy, I wish I'd had something like this to get involved in back when I was that age. My mom would have complained about getting too dark with all that time in the sun. I would have had fun and probably made some good friends. Socially, I could have learned a lot.

I was surprised to see so many adult groups participating. I'm not talking only about the Asian teams, but also the pink team of breast cancer survivors, the German and Canadian rowers. There was the "Blind Ambition" group of blind rowers who were escorted to their boat by other teams. The variety was amazing. It reminded me that age shouldn't stop you from trying anything.

Still, I felt left out. We always had a few minutes of down time waiting for the boats to return. I stood and observed the teams interacting and wishing I was still in my twenties. I also thought about how much I'd like my children to be active and emotionally healthy in addition to being academically successful. There are so many things, so much noise to process in life. Will I be able to do everything I need and want to do (major accomplishments-wise)? While I'm still single and can do whatever I choose, there are a lot of responsibilities that I can no longer get away from so easily.

Rambling aside, here are my final thoughts. As I stood and watched all the dragonboat participants file in, load into their boats, and paddled hard through each race, I realized that volunteering is a great way to experience things I've missed in life. I enjoy doing things I normally wouldn't think of doing. On the other hand, the secondary purpose of volunteering is to meet people - make new friends or potential dates. I've noticed lately, however, that the people I meet at these events are getting younger (well, I'm actually just getting older). I still plan to volunteer, but I no longer expect to meet eligible men there because most of the singles are under 30. [sigh of sadness] Time is moving along and I feel like I've been in a holding pattern way too long.

Weekend therapy

It's very unlike me, but I spent time with friends every day this entire week, including the weekend. As fun as it can be, it also means sleep deprivation at some point. I stayed out until 2am Friday night, got up at 8:30am Saturday. Then I stayed up until 1:35am on Saturday night and had to get up for a 9:30am hike. Thank goodness it's a four-day weekend coming!

I attended a self-spa bridal shower on Saturday afternoon. We started with a lovely brunch and a tour of the new house. Pku seems very happy but busy these days with the wedding and setting up house. I admit I was jealous seeing her life come together.

The house was a huge find. The interior of the house needed a little paint but otherwise is relatively new. The bathrooms have new Corian shower walls and sinks. The plush berber carpet was installed last fall. The kitchen and windows were redone within the past two years. It's perfect since they will probably try to start a family soon after getting married.

After the shower, Hula and I went downtown to shop. I wanted to check out some of the major sales at the department stores for dresses. When you want selection, going to the city is the only option. We hit three department stores plus H&M and Anthropologie during our four-hour spree. Alas, I came away with nothing.

We got a good kick out of Hula's new handbag purchase. She purchased it from a shopping mall kiosk. The man said it was a copy of a Ferragamo. She paid $50. Of course, she was curious to know if it really passed as a Ferragamo. We spotted her bag in the Ferragamo store window. Since she was wearing the purse, however, we were too embarrassed to go inside. Luckily, the purse was also at Saks. We peaked at the price tag of a slightly smaller version and read $560. She wanted to tell Drummer how much she "saved."

Originally, I thought I'd be home in the late evening. Hula convinced me to stay and have dinner with her and Drummer. We walked over to a nice Italian place near 2nd St. The dinner conversation turned into what felt like a huge therapy session.

It started innocently enough just talking about dating in general. (I wonder if I must blame myself for taking that path since it's been on my mind.) After discussing the lessons from "How to Get a Guy" and online dating, the conversation turned towards our single male friends who make little attempt to date, namely Ig and Tim.

Drummer was pretty blunt in his questioning how they could go so long without sex. Isn't that why men date? We know they're interested in women... so what happened to the natural drive to procreate? I revealed to them a little about the dating experience Ig had last summer. The first weekend they spent together, she praised him, saying he was intelligent and how she saw him accomplishing great things in his career. His translation was that because she is a Wharton graduate she socializes with ambitious, business people and would expect him to make a significant salary. Based on the details I provided, Drummer's conclusion is that Ig is sabotaging himself before the relationship starts. I personally think he was uncomfortable from the indirect pressure her compliment implied. He felt that he would disappoint her. I'm not totally clear on why the relationship came apart, but you have to think that his attitude contributed to it.

Ig tends to spend a lot of his time with Suna and Sh since they live down the street. There is a running theory about Ig and Sh because they spend so much time together. When Sh fell asleep on his couch, he apparently just left her there until morning. Um, hello, wouldn't you want to wake the person so they could go home and sleep in their own bed. Many of us single women hang out with Ig, so Drummer calls us the harem. He believes that the comfort and ease of spending time with us makes him lazy about dating. There's always an activity made available to him so he never needs to plan. I shared my opinion that Ig does not feel ready to date until he accomplishes certain goals. The problem is that they aren't very important goals. For example, one of them is to rent a house and have 3-4 roommates. (Come on, you're 38 years old... that's a living situation for your twenties.) We all want to see Ig happy, but we just don't understand the logic behind his motivations.

From that topic, we moved to Tim (and me). I know Hula and Drummer have always been curious about us since they were the first to see us together. It's clear that Tim and I are close and get along well. Drummer asked if I would ever consider getting back together. I told him that it wasn't possible for several reasons (besides the fact that I don't feel that way):

- Tim would not believe me
- Tim would think I was just desperate to be married
- He would tease me about it all the time and it would upset me too much

I felt like the discussion was very clinical. They asked me why not get married. I felt like they forgot about having love and attraction in the marriage. Perhaps they felt that it would develop in time. I also told them how I felt it would be unfair to Tim to be married and not be able to love him the way he deserves. It was difficult to make this happily married couple see that the marrying Tim, at this point in time, would mean I was giving up my dream of a happy ending. Someday, maybe I'll see him as the right man, but I'm not going to try and convince myself; it has to happen on its own.

Drummer shared his own enlightenments on dating. Just before he met Hula, he and his buddies came up with some dating philosophies. The one he shared at dinner was that there you must commit to one of three types of approaches soon after you meet a woman and make it clear: 1) casual fun, 2) friendship, or 3) long-term potential. His thought is that this helps the guy to focus and not waste time.

The biggest, most emotional part of the evening was talking about Chinese mothers. Hula mentioned how she hopes, someday, her brother and mother will talk again. Their relationship has been strained ever since he decided to marry a non-Chinese girl. She tried to tell him he was making a mistake, and he went through with it(duh). I don't know ML, but they said she is the sweetest woman in the world. It's all because he failed to meet their mother's expectations. Hula somehow felt better knowing that my own brother and mom are not on good terms as well. My brother's issues are a little different, nevertheless, it's about the clash of cultures and expectations.

We had a big discussion about the gap between American and Asian culture. Hula and I both have that inner sense that we will never make our mothers happy. There's always something to be disappointed about in our lives (she married a white guy and has forgotten much of her Chinese upbringing and I'm not married). No matter how we try, our mothers will always complain and want better. Neither side will ever fully accept the other's opinion or choices. It's a terrible balance to try and maintain. Drummer seems the same pattern among many of his Asian friends. There's no winner in this. You have to say to hell with it and live your life, but it's hard when human nature is to want your parents' love and approval.

It was really weird to get into such a lengthy conversation with them. So much for my personal privacy policy. I like talking too much about myself (sorry ;) ). I think I always hope that by explaining things, people will leave me alone. But what I've learned is that it often only creates more questions. Who knows... .

Regular nosy check

Saturday I went out with some girlfriends for some shopping. We hit a couple places, tried on a bunch of things, and basically came away with nothing. Wand bought a light knit sweater. Sh bought a jean skirt she's not sure about keeping. That was it. :( It was fun, but I'm disappointed I didn't find anything. At least I know there's supposedly some items getting marked down on Friday for a sale, so I'll go shopping then.

For the evening, we met up with some other gals for a girls' night. We enjoyed dinner at this kind of hip bar/restaurant in the gay part of the city. The menu was fun, best described as American tapas. We ordered various little plates so that we could all try a little - pizza, zucchini fries, tuna poke, roasted yukon potatoes with aioli, ricotta gnocchi with mushrooms, beet salad, Moroccan lamb, and white cheddar grilled cheese sandwich with tomato soup dip.

Afterwards, we went out dancing for a couple hours. It was a charity even held at a local bar/restaurant in the clubbing area of town. Clearly, it was mostly Asians. We joked about the few white men there who clearly were scoping out the single chicks inside. I think Sh said she overheard a couple of them admit to someone at the bar they were at the party because they have an Asian fetish. No prospects for me, but it was fun to just get out and dance.

It was about 2am as we exited the freeway. Sh drove me home. We had chatted about various things like recycling, exercise, dance classes, people adopting babies from China, the dangerous imbalance of gender caused by tradition Chinese practices. It was all pretty interesting.

And then, she shifted gears on me. We must have been talking about my recent vacation with Tim. She then asked, "Do you think spending time with Tim impedes you from dating?"

(Here we go again. It seems she asks this every 6 months. Maybe I need to come back with a less polite response.)

"No, I don't think so. I mean I went on dates with KT and the one with Waby. I wanted to date KT."

"Well, do you feel that you have less interest in dating because of Tim?"

"Not at all. Honestly, if I wasn't hanging out with Tim, I'd probably just be at home by myself. It's not that he's replace that need, I'm just tired of dating."

(Should I have been more annoyed with her prying at this point?)

"What about Tim? I mean, do you think he's not dating because of you?"

"No, we've talked about it. He's says he's fine. For the most part, I believe him."

"But he's not trying to date or anything is he?"

"No, I've asked him about it before. I think he's busy with work and just happy with what he does right now. When we've talked about it, he doesn't seem very concerned about being alone. He'd like to be married if he finds the right person, but I don't think he feels like he *needs* to get married."

And with that, we drove into my complex. Yeah, sometimes I am very annoyed with what I consider to be meddling. I realize that Tim and I spend a lot of time together. We care about each other. There's no deception here, we're honest with each other. I don't understand why she always has to ask about this. It makes me uncomfortable; like I'm doing something wrong. It makes me think I should be more private about my life. I don't like being judged. (Which might be rather two-faced since I tend to do that... though at least I don't say it to them.)

I even told Tim the next day about the questions Sh asked. I don't know that he's bothered by it like I am. He understands her concern. He drove the point home by asking questions like, "how often do we talk to each other," and "who else do you talk to as much?" I might add that it's not always me making the calls. And when I push back by saying, "fine, I won't call you for awhile," he backs off saying he's just trying to make a point. It's not just me wanting to spend time together.

What the hell am I supposed to do? Why can't I enjoy this for what it is? Does it look that bad? If I stop hanging out with him, then I feel like I'm being controlled by someone else which is wrong. On the other hand, I hate feeling harassed. So, we'll see, maybe I'll purposely not hang around with him for a couple weeks and see.

Cooks in the kitchen

My friends, as usual, came through with a great evening for me. We all met up to watch "Amazing Race." C3 and her husband, Ja, offered to bring dinner to Ig's for everyone. So the plan became to start eating around 7:30 or 8pm. Fortunately, we have the flexibility to record the show and watch it later (though it's not as good as Tivo).

While we were waiting for the food, I told Sh that the drama with KT is done. I couldn't help think she seemed a bit relieved. I know I get a bit crazy with dating stories and the need to analyze. Once we got the whole group of six together, everyone took a small part in commenting on my dates. It's just funny hearing how different people's perspectives were about certain details.

- I explained how KT told me that he was covering dinner and about the "Your Friend" signature. Ja very quickly said that it doesn't mean anything and that I'm fine. He said there's still possibilities though he's still wondering how many girls this guy is dating. Now, you also have to know that Ja is a very determined and sharp guy. He was always dating multiple women and expects different behavior from people. C3 kept having to qualify his comments and reminding him that not all guy would act like he does. Basically, I remember Ja saying, "he's not ready to date you right now but that doesn't mean it won't happen."

- The guys were funny about this. They all asked me what KT should have signed at the end of the card. The gals, in unison, agreed that he could have just signed his name. Of course we wouldn't expect him to sign "Love," because that would be interpreted as moving way too fast. Cards are are an awkward thing. I have to admit, I've been disappointed in the past with special occaision cards, so I have very low expectation.

- I mentioned that I offered to pay for movie tickets and KT allowed me to. Ig hadn't to ask me to repeat what happened as if it were something unbelievable. I tried to explain that I considered it a good gesture since the date was going well (and C3 and Sh agreed that it can be a positive). He said that he'd never let that happen. He thought KT should have acknowledge my offer but still pay for the tickets. It was rather endearing to see him so disturbed by that, but I can see that of Ig. When he meets a girl he likes, he will go all out and be the best and most romantic guy you can get. We joke sometimes that he's a bit metrosexual, but he's very stubbornly, an old-fashioned man when it comes to dating.

- Tim thinks I'm being silly. He thinks that the whole IM thing is a positive sign that KT wants to talk with me more.

- C3 and Sh had a similar attitude to me. That this seems to be a sign of either being friends or taking things slow. I'm not going to stop spending time with KT, but certainly I'm not going to go to any extra efforts. Now it's just time to continue to meet other men. If KT wants to hang out, I'll be happy to go, but it's not a priority.

I love my friends. We really are an extended family. Besides talking about AR and how we hate those damn frat boys, we get into all kinds of discussion (and make every effort to make fun of someone in the process) whether they be about computers, buying property, or politics.

At the end of the evening, they came out with a taro birthday cake from one of the good Chinese bakeries. I had told Tim last week that I wanted an Asian style cake with fruit. (He had tried to convince me that I wanted a chocolate cake.) I managed to blow out all the candles (maybe a dozen) in one breath, but boy it was close. My lungs aren't what they used to be. ;)

To end the day, Tim drove over a little later and we watch David Letterman. We couldn't be in NYC like last year, but it was a fun show to watch together. :)