Awhile back, I was part of a group skip trip. While cleaning up dinner leftovers, Bear was talking with Burning Man. My ears perked up when he mentioned KR and Lenny. He emphasized how much of a big loser he thinks Lenny is and how no one could understand why KR married him. No one was too surprised they ended up divorced. He continued to mention that she is now pregnant followed by a smirkish laugh.
"She's expecting?" I interrupted. "Did she get remarried?"
"No," Bear said, "she got pregnant with some guy and is going to have the baby alone."
His tone was a bit comical and... as if he were raising his eyebrows in awe and scandal. I probably reacted with a bit of surprise.
Bear then added, "I think this will be good for her," with all seriousness and sincerity.
This information really hit home for me. I don't know why, but I could just imagine Bear saying this about me someday. In fact, I felt like he was talking about me, like it was a preview of my future.
Here's a little background on KR. I've only met her once, so I can't speak to her personality. Anything I know is second hand from people like Bear and TJ who are in her circles. Ten years ago, she was a popular woman. She was always involved with someone. There were times when she was juggling two men at the same time - one new and one kind of on the way out. I believe she has even turned down a marriage proposal or two.
Lenny was someone who had been interested in her for several years. She had always rejected his advances. People didn't see much in him. She moved away for awhile to attend business school on the East Coast. A couple years after returning to the area, everyone was stunned to learn that she was marrying Lenny.
After two years, they got divorced. I didn't hear much about it. That was maybe one or two years ago. And now, she's a single, pregnant woman.
As I said, I don't know KR. Certainly, my life was never like hers with marriage proposals and men in hot pursuit. I can only surmise her reasons for marrying Lenny. My guess? That she was 35-36 and feeling the pressure of getting hitched and listening to the tick of her biological clock. She took the sure thing in a decent man who wanted to be with her. Maybe she thought friendship was enough or that she would grow to love him. Perhaps I'm just projecting my own fears onto her.
Whatever the reason, the relationship didn't work out. On the edge of 40, she continued to date men and got pregnant. In some ways, maybe it's a good thing because this might be her last chance at having a child. I hope everything works out well for her.
This is where my parallel to her lies. I'm now 36 and single. I'm willing to bet that I no longer ovulate monthly. My guess is I skip two months each year, and that will only happen more with age. My opportunities are fading.
When I meet men, I struggle with finding what I want versus what I need. On one hand, it would be so easy to just find a nice guy and go with the flow. On the other hand, I don't know that an amiable marriage leads to a good life. The fact is I'm worn down from the years of unsuccessful dating. I'm tired, I lonely, I've lost my faith in true love.
I fear holding my standards so high that no man will ever seem like the ONE. I fear making a foolish decision out of desperation. I fear finding myself in a situation where I "accidentally" get pregnant because I'm out of options and out of time. I fear becoming fuel for gossip and whispers among my friends and acquaintances.
Showing posts with label acquaintances. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acquaintances. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Acquaintance spam
I received three group e-mails in the past few days. Nothing big, just makes me think about the difference in people's level of... comfort? communicating with people. Based on my interactions with people and feedback I've gotten about my reactions to things, I'm a pretty conservative person (or totally clueless). Maybe everyone else would think these things are fine.
I'm not agitated about these e-mails, it's easy enough to hit "delete." I'm just curious about how technology has changed the way we behave. It allows people to reach out to others they don't know well. I suppose my question is more about how much one should know a person to include them in one's universe and how many levels of familiarity a person's universe has. That probably varies from person to person. I'm not trained enough in philosophy and psychology to explore this discussion with any academic insight.
Anyhow, here are the e-mails:
One from someone I haven't seen or talked to in five plus years whom I didn't know well in the first place. The e-mail was a narrative update of his life projects about dance. He now lives in Asia but lived here about five years ago. Amongst female friends who've met him, the opinion is generally shared that he was weird and creepy. He got into this cultish type of life philosophy. I think it was called "The Forum." He sent out huge life realizations by e-mail that were pages long to hundreds of people. My cousin had just moved here at the time and met him briefly at a party. She was freaked when she opened his life declaration. He liked to touch people in odd ways (not overtly inappropriate or anything). I don't pretend to understand his lifestyle, but I guess he's doing well. But really, I don't ever expect to see him again, so it's odd to suddenly hear from him.
The second was from KT and inquired whether there was anyone interested in forming a group for a 5K run next month. After I ran into him on Angel Island, I've never talked to him. Heck, I haven't spent an extended period of time with him since that last dinner in April 2006. The e-mail was sent to some 50 people, so it seems a bit random. Obviously, KT doesn't realize that I'm not interested in being friends. Another thing, I don't run.
Finally, my friend's girlfriend sent out an e-mail detailing her desire to change jobs, describing what types of qualifications she has, and indicating the type of jobs she is interested in. Of course, she is asking a favor for anyone to send her leads. I see her when there are parties, maybe less than once per month. I may talk to her for five minutes each event. I don't really know her. Sure, it's always potentially beneficial to network with people, but I guess I still don't get spamming dozens of people about your job search. Honestly, my work and her interests have little overlap other than maybe the overall department name we fall under. I'm terrible at networking, but I still think that personal notes directed to relevant people are more meaningful than a generic spam. I guess I'm old and out of touch.
I'm not agitated about these e-mails, it's easy enough to hit "delete." I'm just curious about how technology has changed the way we behave. It allows people to reach out to others they don't know well. I suppose my question is more about how much one should know a person to include them in one's universe and how many levels of familiarity a person's universe has. That probably varies from person to person. I'm not trained enough in philosophy and psychology to explore this discussion with any academic insight.
Anyhow, here are the e-mails:
One from someone I haven't seen or talked to in five plus years whom I didn't know well in the first place. The e-mail was a narrative update of his life projects about dance. He now lives in Asia but lived here about five years ago. Amongst female friends who've met him, the opinion is generally shared that he was weird and creepy. He got into this cultish type of life philosophy. I think it was called "The Forum." He sent out huge life realizations by e-mail that were pages long to hundreds of people. My cousin had just moved here at the time and met him briefly at a party. She was freaked when she opened his life declaration. He liked to touch people in odd ways (not overtly inappropriate or anything). I don't pretend to understand his lifestyle, but I guess he's doing well. But really, I don't ever expect to see him again, so it's odd to suddenly hear from him.
The second was from KT and inquired whether there was anyone interested in forming a group for a 5K run next month. After I ran into him on Angel Island, I've never talked to him. Heck, I haven't spent an extended period of time with him since that last dinner in April 2006. The e-mail was sent to some 50 people, so it seems a bit random. Obviously, KT doesn't realize that I'm not interested in being friends. Another thing, I don't run.
Finally, my friend's girlfriend sent out an e-mail detailing her desire to change jobs, describing what types of qualifications she has, and indicating the type of jobs she is interested in. Of course, she is asking a favor for anyone to send her leads. I see her when there are parties, maybe less than once per month. I may talk to her for five minutes each event. I don't really know her. Sure, it's always potentially beneficial to network with people, but I guess I still don't get spamming dozens of people about your job search. Honestly, my work and her interests have little overlap other than maybe the overall department name we fall under. I'm terrible at networking, but I still think that personal notes directed to relevant people are more meaningful than a generic spam. I guess I'm old and out of touch.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Big Mouth still on the loose
Many years ago, my mother was chatting with me on the phone and told me about how this family friend's daughter, Curleye, was doing well with her current boyfriend. Her mother had told mine that she said she was happy.
A couple weeks later, I randomly came in contact with a woman who I discovered was a classmate of theirs from school. She was closer to the boyfriend. During the course of conversation, she asked me something about what Curleye thought of her friend. I innocently answered that she had said "she seems happy."
A week later, I got an upset call from my mother. My seemingly friendly comment had gotten back to Curleye and her mom. Apparently, they were rather upset about the gossiping. It had not even occurred to me that such a simple comment would cause so much scandal. I really don't see the harm in such a comment other than maybe it got mistranslated into something bigger.
******
Ever since, I've tried to be cautious of what I say. Generally, I guess I don't filter things that well. Information seems less sensitive to me than it apparently is.
Well, I kind of did that again over the weekend. I rode in a car with someone who is a semi-friend/semi-acquaintance of Chi (they've known each other for several years but aren't close). 3Degree is a very talkative person. What I did not realize is how he tends to ask very personal questions about people. As the conversation flowed, he got on the subject of Chi. I think he commented or joking asked whether Chi was dating many men. I rebutted his idea (because it seemed to sound bad to me at that moment) and explained that she is happily dating one guy right now.
He asked how long they had been dating and how they met. I admit, for a moment, I wondered if I should be sharing this information, but considering that they've been dating for two months, it didn't seem so secret. We talked a little about online dating sites. 3Degree then commented that he didn't think Hrmny had Asian people. I pointed out that Chi is dating an Asian man. That surprised him. From there, the conversation moved to other things. Sharing that last piece of information I will acknowledge was voluntary on my part.
Still, I felt a little uneasy about what I had divulged. I mentioned to Chi in an e-mail that 3Degree has asked about her and that I had told him she is dating. I wanted her not to be surprised if he mentioned it. I think she was a little upset about it but acted very polite. I did not get into all the details of the conversation because hopefully he won't remember everything I said. She was more understanding once she understood that the initial conversation was directed by 3Degree not some free offering of information by me. Her suggestion was that if I wasn't sure about answering his inquiries to simply say, "you know, you should ask Chi about that."
Suggestion taken. Man, I feel like a heel (beating my head against the wall). One more instance like this and I won't be surprised if she doesn't tell me anything anymore.
Every heard the book title "Kids Say the Darndest Things" by Charles Schultz. Well, sometimes I think that was based on me (though it was written before my time). There's some part of me that feels like I should be honest and open about things. I haven't quite learned the difference between honesty and appropriateness. I've managed to put my foot in my mouth big time every few years. Maybe I've been writing in journals too long and grown comfortable with saying what comes to mind. I need to remind myself that it's not necessarily dishonest to not answer a question.
A couple weeks later, I randomly came in contact with a woman who I discovered was a classmate of theirs from school. She was closer to the boyfriend. During the course of conversation, she asked me something about what Curleye thought of her friend. I innocently answered that she had said "she seems happy."
A week later, I got an upset call from my mother. My seemingly friendly comment had gotten back to Curleye and her mom. Apparently, they were rather upset about the gossiping. It had not even occurred to me that such a simple comment would cause so much scandal. I really don't see the harm in such a comment other than maybe it got mistranslated into something bigger.
******
Ever since, I've tried to be cautious of what I say. Generally, I guess I don't filter things that well. Information seems less sensitive to me than it apparently is.
Well, I kind of did that again over the weekend. I rode in a car with someone who is a semi-friend/semi-acquaintance of Chi (they've known each other for several years but aren't close). 3Degree is a very talkative person. What I did not realize is how he tends to ask very personal questions about people. As the conversation flowed, he got on the subject of Chi. I think he commented or joking asked whether Chi was dating many men. I rebutted his idea (because it seemed to sound bad to me at that moment) and explained that she is happily dating one guy right now.
He asked how long they had been dating and how they met. I admit, for a moment, I wondered if I should be sharing this information, but considering that they've been dating for two months, it didn't seem so secret. We talked a little about online dating sites. 3Degree then commented that he didn't think Hrmny had Asian people. I pointed out that Chi is dating an Asian man. That surprised him. From there, the conversation moved to other things. Sharing that last piece of information I will acknowledge was voluntary on my part.
Still, I felt a little uneasy about what I had divulged. I mentioned to Chi in an e-mail that 3Degree has asked about her and that I had told him she is dating. I wanted her not to be surprised if he mentioned it. I think she was a little upset about it but acted very polite. I did not get into all the details of the conversation because hopefully he won't remember everything I said. She was more understanding once she understood that the initial conversation was directed by 3Degree not some free offering of information by me. Her suggestion was that if I wasn't sure about answering his inquiries to simply say, "you know, you should ask Chi about that."
Suggestion taken. Man, I feel like a heel (beating my head against the wall). One more instance like this and I won't be surprised if she doesn't tell me anything anymore.
Every heard the book title "Kids Say the Darndest Things" by Charles Schultz. Well, sometimes I think that was based on me (though it was written before my time). There's some part of me that feels like I should be honest and open about things. I haven't quite learned the difference between honesty and appropriateness. I've managed to put my foot in my mouth big time every few years. Maybe I've been writing in journals too long and grown comfortable with saying what comes to mind. I need to remind myself that it's not necessarily dishonest to not answer a question.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Wedding bands and other subtleties
Hula and I are down to our last week of dance class. I'm not planning to take the next session much to her disappointment. I have a bit of traveling coming up next month, both vacation and work, which would interfere too much. Plus, it'll be nice to have the option to go dance rather than feel obligated to be there.
Hula is a pretty gal who has the sweetest disposition. If you met her, you couldn't possibly not like her. She and Drummer have been married for three years (and dated for four). They actually met through dancing. She loves all sort of dancing and is always taking lessons or going dancing.
As you may recall, I've whined about the fact that Hula always has someone asking her to dance. She gets attention from many guys who I wish would ask me to dance. I see her not only dancing with them, but chatting with them for a few minutes after a song is finished.
A few weeks ago, she appeared to develop a rapport with one fellow who's been in our dance class the past two sessions who I'll call IceRim. He's thin, average height, and probably in his early 30s. I've tried making small talk with him during practice, but he never engages. He always seeks her out during the open dance for at least a song or two.
In this dance culture, it's perfectly fine making friends of either gender. It's the nature of the this dance's diehards. We're not talking a dimly lit room with booth tables and a well-stocked bar. People leave their stuff against the wall, change into their dance shoes, and politely ask others to dance. The staff are all volunteers who do it to dance for free.
Last week, IceRim must have wanted more quality time with Hula. He danced with her very soon after the open dance started. I went off and dance with a couple guys. During a break, I noticed they were sitting at the front of the dance floor talking. They were still there a couple songs later. I must admit, I was curious why there were spending so much time NOT dancing.
Later, Hula confessed that she was concerned about IceRim. She wondered whether he has noticed the wedding band she wears. Her impression was that he is a quiet and intense person. She enjoys talking to him but is worried he's looking for more (or maybe he was in a needy mood that night). After talking for a several songs, she knew it was time to move on, but she said it was difficult because he just kept talking and looking at her. Hula said he was giving that intense, eyes locked look at her as they sat. She finally had to be obvious and excuse herself from the conversation by saying, "let's go dance with some other people."
We talked about how obvious she should be this week. Does she actually need to work "husband" into the conversation - "This weekend my HUSBAND and I went to a BBQ." How could he not notice the wedding band, especially since this is partner dancing and you do occasionally need to grab the follower's left hand?
****************
The funny thing is the reverse conversation came up over the weekend with some guy dancers, Hunch and Lex. The two guys were telling me about this gal who is a great dancer. When she first showed up on the scene (less than a year ago), a lot of guys were hanging around with her. It was obvious many guys were interested in her. What people were unaware of is that she's engaged to someone who lives two hours away. Note that women have a tendency to not want to wear a lot of jewelry dancing because the risk of scratching the guys or getting it caught in the clothing.
Hunch commented how he felt pretty stupid about exchanging phone numbers with her once he learned that she was engaged. He was clearly disappointed at the time. We all agreed that people who are not available have a responsibility to make it clear on the dance floor. Granted, it's uncomfortable and potentially dangerous to wear an engagement ring dancing, but maybe she could have found some other flat ring to wear for this situation.
Hula is a pretty gal who has the sweetest disposition. If you met her, you couldn't possibly not like her. She and Drummer have been married for three years (and dated for four). They actually met through dancing. She loves all sort of dancing and is always taking lessons or going dancing.
As you may recall, I've whined about the fact that Hula always has someone asking her to dance. She gets attention from many guys who I wish would ask me to dance. I see her not only dancing with them, but chatting with them for a few minutes after a song is finished.
A few weeks ago, she appeared to develop a rapport with one fellow who's been in our dance class the past two sessions who I'll call IceRim. He's thin, average height, and probably in his early 30s. I've tried making small talk with him during practice, but he never engages. He always seeks her out during the open dance for at least a song or two.
In this dance culture, it's perfectly fine making friends of either gender. It's the nature of the this dance's diehards. We're not talking a dimly lit room with booth tables and a well-stocked bar. People leave their stuff against the wall, change into their dance shoes, and politely ask others to dance. The staff are all volunteers who do it to dance for free.
Last week, IceRim must have wanted more quality time with Hula. He danced with her very soon after the open dance started. I went off and dance with a couple guys. During a break, I noticed they were sitting at the front of the dance floor talking. They were still there a couple songs later. I must admit, I was curious why there were spending so much time NOT dancing.
Later, Hula confessed that she was concerned about IceRim. She wondered whether he has noticed the wedding band she wears. Her impression was that he is a quiet and intense person. She enjoys talking to him but is worried he's looking for more (or maybe he was in a needy mood that night). After talking for a several songs, she knew it was time to move on, but she said it was difficult because he just kept talking and looking at her. Hula said he was giving that intense, eyes locked look at her as they sat. She finally had to be obvious and excuse herself from the conversation by saying, "let's go dance with some other people."
We talked about how obvious she should be this week. Does she actually need to work "husband" into the conversation - "This weekend my HUSBAND and I went to a BBQ." How could he not notice the wedding band, especially since this is partner dancing and you do occasionally need to grab the follower's left hand?
****************
The funny thing is the reverse conversation came up over the weekend with some guy dancers, Hunch and Lex. The two guys were telling me about this gal who is a great dancer. When she first showed up on the scene (less than a year ago), a lot of guys were hanging around with her. It was obvious many guys were interested in her. What people were unaware of is that she's engaged to someone who lives two hours away. Note that women have a tendency to not want to wear a lot of jewelry dancing because the risk of scratching the guys or getting it caught in the clothing.
Hunch commented how he felt pretty stupid about exchanging phone numbers with her once he learned that she was engaged. He was clearly disappointed at the time. We all agreed that people who are not available have a responsibility to make it clear on the dance floor. Granted, it's uncomfortable and potentially dangerous to wear an engagement ring dancing, but maybe she could have found some other flat ring to wear for this situation.
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