Thursday, March 16, 2006

The best friend, non-boyfriend complication

Tim and I have gotten to know each other very well over the (almost) past two years. Yes, we dated briefly. But even looking back at my writing from then, my feelings were very different from any other dating situation I've been in. The butterflies weren't there.

When we stopped dating, he was devastated. We both cried. It was hard because I had never felt so comfortable with someone from a personality perspective. We had fun together. Something just didn't feel right, I can't explain it. I will simply say that I'm not attracted to him. And when I tried to explain that to friends, I got criticized for my explanations.

Ever since, we've spent an enormous amount of time together. I talk to him almost every day and see him several times a week. For more than a year, people still asked if we were going to get back together. I know there were people who thought I was taking advantage of Tim's feelings for me. I always, always discussed the issue with him to make sure we were clear. I wasn't going to walk away from a good friend because of other people's pressure.

I love him dearly. He's patient, kind, smart, sweet, funny, and never lets anything bother him. There are so many strange little things about me that he is able to appreciate. For example, I'm a nibbler (no not food). I like to nibble on guys that I date. It's a little fetish of mine, but he's let me put my teeth around his arm. He'll even nibble back. It's an affectionate thing, but I know guys in my past have not been so pleased by it. I just feel like to mesh in a way I've never found with someone else.

Believe me, I would be totally happy and married by now if I could feel attraction for him. I still hate his sarcastic humor, but I think I could live with it. I think about it from time to time and try to understand what it is that holds me back. Is it real or is it some self-protection mechanism? Why can't I appreciate what we have? I think many people thought that he would grow on me and that I would change my mind.

So now with the potential dating I've been doing, is he feeling left out? He says, "no." And I think I mostly believe him. But lately, he seems agitated by my insecurities and asking for favors. I just find it hard to believe that in two years, this is the first time he has had to deal with my emotional flares. I can't help wonder if he's feeling jealous and thus reacting more strongly. Being just friends with a guy can be hard when you get really close. This is new for me and I don't want to lose him.

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