Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Speculation and mourning

I was chatting with my female co-workers at lunch today. They're so good about telling me that I will find the right man someday. It's hard to hear that and believe it given all the disappoint I've dealt with in dating. I may come off as a tough and confident cookie, but in reality my shell is very thin and cracks easily. That's why it's so much more appealing to me to stay safely wrapped up in my friends and at home.

I know it's impossible to determine what a person is thinking. Interaction, theory, experience can imply a lot, however, there are too many other variables for which one cannot account. We discussed my disappointing situation with KT. I summarized my recent exchange of e-mails with him since Friday. Rb's immediate reaction was that he's treating me like a buddy. I can see that. Why else would he bring Larry along to dinner. Why else would have talk about wanting to meet new people. Why else would I be biweekly "Thursday girl." Neither of them are too keen on the way he's been acting. Da joked that she wants to go to his house and follow him around to figure out what his real story is. [I promised myself years ago that I'm not allowed to pull those kinds of stunts anymore. ;)]

So I told them that I am going into my "mourning" period. I need to stop getting my hopes up and just treat him like an acquaintance. It would have been lovely but it's just not looking in the cards. I've said this before and I've let it go the minute I saw some remote sign of hope from KT. Do guys realize this is a cruel way to treat a woman? Try pulling this on a 25-year-old and leave me out of it. The emotional rollercoaster it causes me is making my stomach churn in an ugly way. I almost think morning sickness would be more tolerable (but then I can't actually say I've been through that). I seriously think I should just blow all etiquette and gently confront him if I ever come face to face with him. It's all about my sanity... I don't feel like I have many more options.

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