I've been slow to post the past couple weeks. The symptoms started a few weeks ago. I noticed I was much more tired and even needed naps after work. Tim had to step up a bit on weekends and help with tidying the house while I rested. Food lost all it's appeal for awhile because flavors just weren't appealing. The indigestion and light nausea didn't help. I lost a couple pounds from the lack of eating.
I went to the doctor and had a six vials of blood drawn for a variety of tests. The results came back today telling me my blood type and saying that my red blood cell count is a little low; I'll have to retest. Other than that, my tests were clean.
This week, things seems to be better. My stomach growls and I eat. It's such a relief to be able to enjoy food again.
Even better, I went in for another test today. Because the person screening me was a technician, she was not allowed to describe to me anything she was doing or saw, but she implied that it would be easy for us to make the correct interpretation. Tim knew being there to support me was important. I also wanted him to experience things for himself so that he could enjoy the moment as much as me.
In the dark room, with my bursting bladder begging to go to the bathroom, we got to peak at a black and white tv monitor. I could tell by the smile on Tim's face that he saw what we had been hoping to confirm. After eight weeks of wondering and worrying, we got to see our little kiddo's heartbeat on the ultrasound.
I can't tell you how relived we are to be past that painful memory from February. This time around feels much more real. There are still tests to come. Given my advanced age (yes, that's how they refer to pregnant women over 35), the baby is not out of the woods until we complete the first trimester. Also, there are the genetic tests that come between weeks 11 and 15 to make sure our child will live a happy, healthy, and productive life. All we know now is that we have a beautiful human being growing inside me.
It is with this happy news that I must bring a little sad news. It's time to focus on the future, and I feel it's time to close this chapter of my life. My search has been fulfilled with a wonderful husband, home, and future child. It's what I've dream of much of my life. I'm hoping to get myself to return to the days when I kept a handwritten journal and chronicle bits about the new family we'll have come January.
I've met some amazing people here in blogland. You've given me laughs, insight, and support through the years. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective on life and living. I still enjoy peaking into everyone's lives from time to time and still hope to because I always appreciate learning from others. If our paths should ever cross in the real world, I hope that somehow we'll know to connect.
I wish you all much love, peace, and happiness. (Wow, does that sound hippie or what - it must be the blouse I'm wearing ;) )
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 01, 2009
You want my job?
The other evening, I met up with a friend. We're not super close, but we try to catch up with girlfriends for various job and personal chat. She was particularly interested in meeting this time for job search ideas. Her internship ends this summer and it's time to find a permanent job. Since I recently had success with my job search, she was curious to hear if I came across any interesting companies and how I searched.
While we work in the same overall industry, we touch different types of products and are familiar with different corporate structures. At one point, I mentioned something about missing my old job, the one where I was laid off at the end of last year. She asked me to describe what I enjoyed about the job. At the end of my description, she asked if the company was hiring.
Ouch? I must say I was really put off by her question. Maybe she wasn't thinking. Hello? They laid me off six months ago. Wouldn't it be odd if they were hiring? It was awkward responding to that. I mean, if they were hiring, I'd hope my manager likes me enough to give me first shot at an opening. Otherwise, that would be telling me I'm being lied to about why I was let go. That's a fact that I don't want to be true. It was my dream job, and I was there less than one year.
I realize that I've said plenty of stupid things in my life. My friend deserves the benefit of the doubt that she wasn't thinking how it would sound to me. Also, there's part of me that doesn't want to get involved with helping a company considering how cruelly they cut me.
While we work in the same overall industry, we touch different types of products and are familiar with different corporate structures. At one point, I mentioned something about missing my old job, the one where I was laid off at the end of last year. She asked me to describe what I enjoyed about the job. At the end of my description, she asked if the company was hiring.
Ouch? I must say I was really put off by her question. Maybe she wasn't thinking. Hello? They laid me off six months ago. Wouldn't it be odd if they were hiring? It was awkward responding to that. I mean, if they were hiring, I'd hope my manager likes me enough to give me first shot at an opening. Otherwise, that would be telling me I'm being lied to about why I was let go. That's a fact that I don't want to be true. It was my dream job, and I was there less than one year.
I realize that I've said plenty of stupid things in my life. My friend deserves the benefit of the doubt that she wasn't thinking how it would sound to me. Also, there's part of me that doesn't want to get involved with helping a company considering how cruelly they cut me.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Maximum capacity
The hubby and I hosted a small party last weekend. Besides having people over to help with the wedding favors, we really haven't had a party at our little place.
When I bought my place, the one thing that I didn't realize was how small and inflexible the orientation of my living/dining room is. There are only two ways to fit a sofa and chair with a tv. That means we can't physically seat more than four people comfortably unless people are willing to sit on the floor or on the stairs. Hence why I tend to avoid having many parties even though I enjoy entertaining.
The theme of this gathering was to play board games. I'm not talking about Taboo, Pictionary, or Scrabble. We're talking hard-core, 3-hour, strategy games designed by famous (often German) games designers. A group of us love to spend a day playing games such as Agricola, Power Grid, Ticket to Ride, and Settlers of Catan to name a few. We rarely get through more than one or two games before we call it a day.
I invited maybe 16 people thinking we'd get 6-8 guests. What I hadn't expected was for my dear friends to attend with their cutie two-month old twins. Unless one goes to visit their house, there's little chance of seeing them. In addition to them, I had two other couples bringing their babies. Knowing the babies were coming probably drew in many more people than I had counted on coming.
Once more, usually at parties, people come in waves. I figure even with 14 people and four babies that we'd be okay. Strangely, nearly everyone came within the same four-hour block of time. There were people around the dining table, on the sofa, in the kitchen, on the stairs, in the hallway, and in our bedroom. It was great to see everyone, but it was tough to takes three steps anywhere.
For a couple of the younger, single folks, seeing so many babies around was a bit odd. The majority of us are now in our late 30s, early 40s so naturally our interests and priorities are shifting. Sometimes I think back and wonder how much of the old days I miss. Not being a big party animal, I can't say I miss the blaring music and bad dates. I suppose I do miss the excitement of being out on the town.
All in all, however, it's great to be able to sit back and enjoy time catching up with friends and just being yourself.
When I bought my place, the one thing that I didn't realize was how small and inflexible the orientation of my living/dining room is. There are only two ways to fit a sofa and chair with a tv. That means we can't physically seat more than four people comfortably unless people are willing to sit on the floor or on the stairs. Hence why I tend to avoid having many parties even though I enjoy entertaining.
The theme of this gathering was to play board games. I'm not talking about Taboo, Pictionary, or Scrabble. We're talking hard-core, 3-hour, strategy games designed by famous (often German) games designers. A group of us love to spend a day playing games such as Agricola, Power Grid, Ticket to Ride, and Settlers of Catan to name a few. We rarely get through more than one or two games before we call it a day.
I invited maybe 16 people thinking we'd get 6-8 guests. What I hadn't expected was for my dear friends to attend with their cutie two-month old twins. Unless one goes to visit their house, there's little chance of seeing them. In addition to them, I had two other couples bringing their babies. Knowing the babies were coming probably drew in many more people than I had counted on coming.
Once more, usually at parties, people come in waves. I figure even with 14 people and four babies that we'd be okay. Strangely, nearly everyone came within the same four-hour block of time. There were people around the dining table, on the sofa, in the kitchen, on the stairs, in the hallway, and in our bedroom. It was great to see everyone, but it was tough to takes three steps anywhere.
For a couple of the younger, single folks, seeing so many babies around was a bit odd. The majority of us are now in our late 30s, early 40s so naturally our interests and priorities are shifting. Sometimes I think back and wonder how much of the old days I miss. Not being a big party animal, I can't say I miss the blaring music and bad dates. I suppose I do miss the excitement of being out on the town.
All in all, however, it's great to be able to sit back and enjoy time catching up with friends and just being yourself.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Up for air
Don't know if anyone's still out there, but I've returned for a little bit. I'm happy to say that I'm now married!
It was pretty those last few weeks before the big day. You always think you have more time and then suddenly you realize there are more things to do that weren't on the list. So yes, Tim and I spent every waking hour that wasn't spent at work, at home designing programs, sewing, typing up instructions, putting together gifts, handling last-minute requests.
The weather cooperated wonderfully. No one could have asked for more perfect weather. At the rehearsal, the sun felt like a heat lamp on the skin. Thankfully, the weather report was accurate in predicting that the temperature would drop to a very agreeable 74 F for Saturday. There was only the slightest breeze to blow papers, hair, or veils. Everyone was amazed at our beautiful backdrop.
The only wrenches thrown into the mix were the parents. Tim's family wanted to have a private lunch and did not want to come down to the hotel for photos in the morning. Because of this last-minute change, we did not think about the fact that the boutonnieres and corsages needed to be transported to the ceremony. Hence, only my family wore flowers during the wedding. We didn't realize this error until we got back to our hotel room and found a shopping bag full of flowers next to the door. Oops.
My mother was a more thorny problem. Basically, we accept the fact that she was looking for excuses to dislike Tim's family. (They aren't good enough for me in her eyes because they are a different ethnicity and she strongly holds to old country prejudices.) The rehearsal dinner was a nightmare. The Chinese banquet place essentially tried to squeeze out a little more money by short-changing my mother-in-law. We had been promised four tables seating about 10 people each. Instead, they squeezed us into three 12-15 person tables. Then they proceeded to only serve enough food for 10-12 people. My mother immediately came over and yelled at me for embarrassing her in front of the relatives.
Being at my breaking point from general wedding stress, I couldn't help but start crying. I lost my appetite for half the meal. It took numerous conversations between my dad, my mother-in-law, her Chinese friend, and my aunt before my mom could at least calm down. Did it even occur to her how much she was embarrassing me by making such a fuss? I think she blames my in-laws for being cheap rather than realizing the restaurant manager was trying to pull a fast one. I don't think I saw her smile all night. Thank goodness for my reasonable, patient, and loving father.
There's never enough time to talk to everyone, but I feel like I was at least able to say a few words to all my friends over the course of the evening. Tim and I did our best to make sure that we ate most of our dinner. We managed to stay on schedule and still have fun.
More details later...
It was pretty those last few weeks before the big day. You always think you have more time and then suddenly you realize there are more things to do that weren't on the list. So yes, Tim and I spent every waking hour that wasn't spent at work, at home designing programs, sewing, typing up instructions, putting together gifts, handling last-minute requests.
The weather cooperated wonderfully. No one could have asked for more perfect weather. At the rehearsal, the sun felt like a heat lamp on the skin. Thankfully, the weather report was accurate in predicting that the temperature would drop to a very agreeable 74 F for Saturday. There was only the slightest breeze to blow papers, hair, or veils. Everyone was amazed at our beautiful backdrop.
The only wrenches thrown into the mix were the parents. Tim's family wanted to have a private lunch and did not want to come down to the hotel for photos in the morning. Because of this last-minute change, we did not think about the fact that the boutonnieres and corsages needed to be transported to the ceremony. Hence, only my family wore flowers during the wedding. We didn't realize this error until we got back to our hotel room and found a shopping bag full of flowers next to the door. Oops.
My mother was a more thorny problem. Basically, we accept the fact that she was looking for excuses to dislike Tim's family. (They aren't good enough for me in her eyes because they are a different ethnicity and she strongly holds to old country prejudices.) The rehearsal dinner was a nightmare. The Chinese banquet place essentially tried to squeeze out a little more money by short-changing my mother-in-law. We had been promised four tables seating about 10 people each. Instead, they squeezed us into three 12-15 person tables. Then they proceeded to only serve enough food for 10-12 people. My mother immediately came over and yelled at me for embarrassing her in front of the relatives.
Being at my breaking point from general wedding stress, I couldn't help but start crying. I lost my appetite for half the meal. It took numerous conversations between my dad, my mother-in-law, her Chinese friend, and my aunt before my mom could at least calm down. Did it even occur to her how much she was embarrassing me by making such a fuss? I think she blames my in-laws for being cheap rather than realizing the restaurant manager was trying to pull a fast one. I don't think I saw her smile all night. Thank goodness for my reasonable, patient, and loving father.
There's never enough time to talk to everyone, but I feel like I was at least able to say a few words to all my friends over the course of the evening. Tim and I did our best to make sure that we ate most of our dinner. We managed to stay on schedule and still have fun.
More details later...
Thursday, September 11, 2008
STREESSSSS
Major stress week in progress. I had a Klondike bar, tater tots, and some red flame grapes for dinner. Not too healthy eh?
Anyhow, let's just say that while I think my dress is gorgeous, it's not the best choice for a petite woman given it's a sheath dress (meaning you can only hem the length at the bottom), and it has beading which makes alterations very tricky and expensive. Having a chiffon overlay is messy because the bustle is not easy, and the weight of the whole dress is causing a (lack of) cleavage issue. As much as I love my gown, if I had the opportunity to do it over, I'd pick something with no beading, that has sexy straps, and has a seam at the waist that can be altered.
On the bright side, my bridal shower is this weekend. I can't wait to just relax and enjoy a little time with my gal pals (and an hour with my dad). Oh yeah, and the presents are a nice bonus!!!
Anyhow, let's just say that while I think my dress is gorgeous, it's not the best choice for a petite woman given it's a sheath dress (meaning you can only hem the length at the bottom), and it has beading which makes alterations very tricky and expensive. Having a chiffon overlay is messy because the bustle is not easy, and the weight of the whole dress is causing a (lack of) cleavage issue. As much as I love my gown, if I had the opportunity to do it over, I'd pick something with no beading, that has sexy straps, and has a seam at the waist that can be altered.
On the bright side, my bridal shower is this weekend. I can't wait to just relax and enjoy a little time with my gal pals (and an hour with my dad). Oh yeah, and the presents are a nice bonus!!!
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
When being too nice makes for no plans
I *really* *really* should be working right now, but I need to get this off my mind for a little while.
Despite the fact that the main wedding planning is going well, I seem to be sprouting bits of bad luck when it comes to bridesmaids and bridal showers. First, there was the uncomfortable situation of my childhood best friend wanting to be a bridesmaid despite learning that she'd be 8.5 months pregnant by the time of the wedding. Without outright telling her I changed my mind, I had to give her strong reasons to consider not attending the wedding 400 miles away from her doctor and hospital. The logic of not coming to my wedding only started to sink in after discussing it with her husband and local friends. In the end, it worked out because her due date was moved up and she's staying put.
Now, I've got another sticky wicket. Nvy was the first to offer to throw me a shower. This was back in March when I first told her the good news. The following week, Childhood BF also offered. When I found out there was a risk CBF could not attend, I asked my other close friend to be in the wedding. She also offered to host. I really can't complain about having three wonderful friends offer to host a shower for me except for one fact, none of them live within four hours of me.
I thought I had it all worked out. CBF and alternate bridesmaid would host near my home town and I'd ask Nvy to come up and host here with the help of a local friend. It seemed the like the best arrangement seeing as how I want to avoid making CBF travel during pregnancy and AltBM is traveling from the East Coast so I want her to be able to see her family during here trip to the West Coast. That would create a small 5-7 person away shower and a 14-18 person local shower.
Now, now that's not quite what's going to happen. Nvy and her husband were in a business with another person. This other person, RzrBurn, has gone a little psycho over the years. We all know each other from grad school. Suffice to say, RzrBurn married psycho wife who married him for his money, realized he wasn't really rich, and drove him nuts. Now that the divorce is not going his way, he's doing all he can to bankrupt himself so that she gets nothing. (He's also going to be defaulting on his child support.)
Unfortunately, that means he dragged down his business partners with him. Nvy and hubby are now struggling to run the business themselves without stretching themselves thin (did I mention they have two small kids). So, she obviously can't help plan a bridal shower with all that's going on. She feels awful about it, but it's no one's fault. How could anyone possibly predict such a crappy outcome from a man who was once considered a friend?
So now what? I already suggested to AltBM that I'd make it convenient by having a shower near home for her. But that means that I don't have anyone to give me a shower where I live now, where most of my friends live. I feel awkward at the thought of asking her to change her plans and come here for the shower. Yet, I feel like I should have a litte leeway as the bride to do what works best for me.
The alternative is to ask a friend here to help out. But the whole point of a shower is for someone to offer. I can't ask, that's not proper etiquette. I feel completely awkward doing that. ARGH. I have had a couple people offer to help me with the "anything" for wedding in general, but I don't know if that amounts to permission to ask them to organize the shower versus simply stuffing invitation envelopes.
I'm kind of kicking myself for trying so hard to accommodate everyone else since now I feel like I've left myself in a pathetic position. So what's the politically correct, Emily Post way to make things work?
Despite the fact that the main wedding planning is going well, I seem to be sprouting bits of bad luck when it comes to bridesmaids and bridal showers. First, there was the uncomfortable situation of my childhood best friend wanting to be a bridesmaid despite learning that she'd be 8.5 months pregnant by the time of the wedding. Without outright telling her I changed my mind, I had to give her strong reasons to consider not attending the wedding 400 miles away from her doctor and hospital. The logic of not coming to my wedding only started to sink in after discussing it with her husband and local friends. In the end, it worked out because her due date was moved up and she's staying put.
Now, I've got another sticky wicket. Nvy was the first to offer to throw me a shower. This was back in March when I first told her the good news. The following week, Childhood BF also offered. When I found out there was a risk CBF could not attend, I asked my other close friend to be in the wedding. She also offered to host. I really can't complain about having three wonderful friends offer to host a shower for me except for one fact, none of them live within four hours of me.
I thought I had it all worked out. CBF and alternate bridesmaid would host near my home town and I'd ask Nvy to come up and host here with the help of a local friend. It seemed the like the best arrangement seeing as how I want to avoid making CBF travel during pregnancy and AltBM is traveling from the East Coast so I want her to be able to see her family during here trip to the West Coast. That would create a small 5-7 person away shower and a 14-18 person local shower.
Now, now that's not quite what's going to happen. Nvy and her husband were in a business with another person. This other person, RzrBurn, has gone a little psycho over the years. We all know each other from grad school. Suffice to say, RzrBurn married psycho wife who married him for his money, realized he wasn't really rich, and drove him nuts. Now that the divorce is not going his way, he's doing all he can to bankrupt himself so that she gets nothing. (He's also going to be defaulting on his child support.)
Unfortunately, that means he dragged down his business partners with him. Nvy and hubby are now struggling to run the business themselves without stretching themselves thin (did I mention they have two small kids). So, she obviously can't help plan a bridal shower with all that's going on. She feels awful about it, but it's no one's fault. How could anyone possibly predict such a crappy outcome from a man who was once considered a friend?
So now what? I already suggested to AltBM that I'd make it convenient by having a shower near home for her. But that means that I don't have anyone to give me a shower where I live now, where most of my friends live. I feel awkward at the thought of asking her to change her plans and come here for the shower. Yet, I feel like I should have a litte leeway as the bride to do what works best for me.
The alternative is to ask a friend here to help out. But the whole point of a shower is for someone to offer. I can't ask, that's not proper etiquette. I feel completely awkward doing that. ARGH. I have had a couple people offer to help me with the "anything" for wedding in general, but I don't know if that amounts to permission to ask them to organize the shower versus simply stuffing invitation envelopes.
I'm kind of kicking myself for trying so hard to accommodate everyone else since now I feel like I've left myself in a pathetic position. So what's the politically correct, Emily Post way to make things work?
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Still trying to impress
I attended a wedding this weekend. I am a friend of the bride, 5N. It's one of those weddings where a handful of us were, frankly, surprised to be invited. We know the bride through a friend who introduced us to her from occasional dancing get togethers. Honestly, we probably only run into 5N once a year.
The wedding was lovely, though a bit formal compared to ones I've attended the past few years. The ceremony had a live string quartet and a carefully scripted talk by the officiant. We had a reading that explained the expectation of marriage, a moment of reflection as the quartet played a song, a second reading, and then a rose ceremony while Bette Midler's "The Rose" song played.
5N looked *extremely* nervous. Her smile didn't look right as she entered the room. Her movements were all incredibly stiff as if someone had put a steel rod down her back. I worried that her stiffness would stand out in the video and photos. Everything looked great and it would be awful if her own fears flawed the memories of her wedding.
She was totally herself at the reception. Clearly, she could now relax with the ceremony finished. 5N joked that she was counting on us to keep the dance floor moving.
The one funny thing about the wedding is that it turns out the groom is friends with someone I met through speed dating. GF and I actually went on one date and things just fizzled because after three weeks I was still waiting for him to ask me on a second date. (Later, I found out he couldn't understand why I never e-mailed him back. Yes, after four weeks I didn't bother because I was busy dating two other guys.)
He got married last year to a cute girl. She seems rather nice and I'd have to say she is lovely. They're a good fit on the surface because they both play volleyball, are tall, and aren't not intensely career-oriented. He's a nice guy so I'm glad he finally found someone.
GF spotted me and came over to congratulate me and Tim on our engagement. I gave him a hug and congratulated him on his marriage. I made a little small talk with him and his wife but the conversation felt a little tired after a few questions. Not sure why?
So I have to admit, I couldn't help want to make sure he noticed something cool about me. When the dancing started, I danced a couple stand out song with my guy friends. I was looking to show off, just have fun. In the back of my mind, however, I couldn't help wonder if GF was watching. I wanted him to be impressed, to think "wow."
Why do I have these silly, catty feelings? It's harmless. It doesn't affect GF or Tim. It's just one of those times I have a need to feel desirable to men. I'm totally happy and comfortable with Tim, but I guess it's just human nature to be wanted.
The wedding was lovely, though a bit formal compared to ones I've attended the past few years. The ceremony had a live string quartet and a carefully scripted talk by the officiant. We had a reading that explained the expectation of marriage, a moment of reflection as the quartet played a song, a second reading, and then a rose ceremony while Bette Midler's "The Rose" song played.
5N looked *extremely* nervous. Her smile didn't look right as she entered the room. Her movements were all incredibly stiff as if someone had put a steel rod down her back. I worried that her stiffness would stand out in the video and photos. Everything looked great and it would be awful if her own fears flawed the memories of her wedding.
She was totally herself at the reception. Clearly, she could now relax with the ceremony finished. 5N joked that she was counting on us to keep the dance floor moving.
The one funny thing about the wedding is that it turns out the groom is friends with someone I met through speed dating. GF and I actually went on one date and things just fizzled because after three weeks I was still waiting for him to ask me on a second date. (Later, I found out he couldn't understand why I never e-mailed him back. Yes, after four weeks I didn't bother because I was busy dating two other guys.)
He got married last year to a cute girl. She seems rather nice and I'd have to say she is lovely. They're a good fit on the surface because they both play volleyball, are tall, and aren't not intensely career-oriented. He's a nice guy so I'm glad he finally found someone.
GF spotted me and came over to congratulate me and Tim on our engagement. I gave him a hug and congratulated him on his marriage. I made a little small talk with him and his wife but the conversation felt a little tired after a few questions. Not sure why?
So I have to admit, I couldn't help want to make sure he noticed something cool about me. When the dancing started, I danced a couple stand out song with my guy friends. I was looking to show off, just have fun. In the back of my mind, however, I couldn't help wonder if GF was watching. I wanted him to be impressed, to think "wow."
Why do I have these silly, catty feelings? It's harmless. It doesn't affect GF or Tim. It's just one of those times I have a need to feel desirable to men. I'm totally happy and comfortable with Tim, but I guess it's just human nature to be wanted.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Change of direction
I was going to write tonight and tell you all about my fabulous trip with Tim. We had a great adventure, probably one to the best trips I've ever had.
But, I have to stop tonight to think about something else that's on my mind. When I came to work this morning, I learned that my co-worker, Hen, will be out the rest of the week because her father-in-law passed away on Friday. He had gone in for surgery and died in recovery. Only one daughter made it to the hospital before he was pronounced dead. He had a miracle recover from cancer just before Xmas. It would seem his body exerted so much will to live during the cancer that it didn't have enough strength to recover losing a lung.
On top of that, I just learned minutes ago, that a dear friend's father has passed. She's been out in Boston for weeks watching over him at the hospital. She's been sleeping at the hospital and showering at a friend's house for more than two weeks. They thought the worst was over just as we left for vacation. Now, I feel absolutely devastated. Two deaths in one week is... horrible.
Knowing two men with loving families had to die so soon is heart breaking. They were each part of close families. The core of the family is now gone. What happens to the wife? What do you do when you're left alone after 30, 40 years of marriage? Plus, my friend's mom lost her sister not more than one month ago. Damn.
It makes me realize how fragile life is and how much I love my parents. It easy to take for granted that they will be there. Since they live out of town, I don't see them often and the changes to their bodies is all the more apparent every time I visit. We are not invincible at any age, just maybe a little more durable when we're younger.
I'm heartbroken for my friend because she is still single. I'd like to believe that most of us dream of walking down the aisle arm in arm with our fathers. I had always dreamed of having my grandmother present for my wedding and seeing her so happy. That hope was taken away from me several years ago. I could never imagine not having a parent there on that special day (and hope that I don't have to experience that).
Hen's father-in-law had organized every detail of his death during his one year plus of cancer. They have a script, they need not think just morn. In my friend's case, it's that much more difficult because this was unexpected. He was a healthy man when he came down with this sudden illness. Now, they must scramble to make funeral decision in what must be an altered state of mind. My heart goes out to her. I wish there was something more I could do than send a card.
But, I have to stop tonight to think about something else that's on my mind. When I came to work this morning, I learned that my co-worker, Hen, will be out the rest of the week because her father-in-law passed away on Friday. He had gone in for surgery and died in recovery. Only one daughter made it to the hospital before he was pronounced dead. He had a miracle recover from cancer just before Xmas. It would seem his body exerted so much will to live during the cancer that it didn't have enough strength to recover losing a lung.
On top of that, I just learned minutes ago, that a dear friend's father has passed. She's been out in Boston for weeks watching over him at the hospital. She's been sleeping at the hospital and showering at a friend's house for more than two weeks. They thought the worst was over just as we left for vacation. Now, I feel absolutely devastated. Two deaths in one week is... horrible.
Knowing two men with loving families had to die so soon is heart breaking. They were each part of close families. The core of the family is now gone. What happens to the wife? What do you do when you're left alone after 30, 40 years of marriage? Plus, my friend's mom lost her sister not more than one month ago. Damn.
It makes me realize how fragile life is and how much I love my parents. It easy to take for granted that they will be there. Since they live out of town, I don't see them often and the changes to their bodies is all the more apparent every time I visit. We are not invincible at any age, just maybe a little more durable when we're younger.
I'm heartbroken for my friend because she is still single. I'd like to believe that most of us dream of walking down the aisle arm in arm with our fathers. I had always dreamed of having my grandmother present for my wedding and seeing her so happy. That hope was taken away from me several years ago. I could never imagine not having a parent there on that special day (and hope that I don't have to experience that).
Hen's father-in-law had organized every detail of his death during his one year plus of cancer. They have a script, they need not think just morn. In my friend's case, it's that much more difficult because this was unexpected. He was a healthy man when he came down with this sudden illness. Now, they must scramble to make funeral decision in what must be an altered state of mind. My heart goes out to her. I wish there was something more I could do than send a card.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Murkyness
Maybe it's just me, but I can't figure out what's up with Chi. Granted we spent A LOT of time together during the trip. We slept in the same room, tent, or hallway for two weeks. Naturally, I can understand that things could get a little awkward.
Still, in general, I found her silence unusual at times. In the month or two before the trip she was somewhat MIA. I met her for lunch two weeks before our trip and learned that she's pretty frustrated with her job. Chi's interviewed for a couple positions within her company, horizontal career moves, but gotten nowhere. In phone conversations with Juan, she's cried in frustration and disappointment. Her self-esteem is a bit in question.
On the trip, she seemed okay. I figured her quiet demeanor was part having nothing left to say to me and part exhaustion from our daily hikes at high elevation. She seemed cheerful and social with everyone else. The journey home probably didn't help matters. First, our transportation during our first segment was 40 minutes late in picking us up from the airport. The host made up a lame excuse about traffic on a Friday night. Well, he should have known that and left earlier.
The next morning, our flight was delayed by one hour and 15 minutes which caused us to miss our connecting flight back to the U.S. The airline in question would not give us a voucher for a hotel room because they claimed it was air traffic control's fault and therefore they were not responsible. I would agree that the last 15 minutes prior to landing was due to air traffic, but not the one hour sitting on the ground before we departed. That was clearly due to their lack of organization. Chi was furious but the arguing went nowhere. I was a bit nonchalant about it only because I knew there was no point in getting mad and yelling at the service people. I tried to convince her to stop fighting with the service people. Yes, they deserved some of the complaints, but at some point, it's not constructive.
It's now been a week since we've been home. I waited almost a week to talk to her figuring we both needed normal time with work and boyfriends. Everyone's been clamoring for a photo party and we had agreed during the trip to have a shared party. In her e-mails, however, she's been very unexcited about the idea. She keeps saying that she's too tired to do anything and doesn't have the energy to think about helping to organize. All I've asked of her is to host. Yes, she may have to clean a bit and wash dishes, but otherwise I've said that we'd simply buy some prepared food from Costco and ask people to bring appetizers. Her e-mail just seem so depressing with her lack of enthusiasm. She doesn't even plan to invite anyone beyond a couple of friends and family whereas I need to invite almost 20 people.
So I worry. Is she totally annoyed with me or is she back to some unhappy state as she was before the vacation? Sometimes I wonder if I said something in the past or on the trip that really bothered her. Part of me wants to reach out and ask, another part of me thinks I should leave it alone until after Thanksgiving and see if she is simply slow to recover from the toll of the trip.
In the meantime, I'm asking another friend if she would host the party. (My living room becomes a death trap with more than 12 people.) I'll take care of all the food to make thing smoother. Hopefully, things work out.
Still, in general, I found her silence unusual at times. In the month or two before the trip she was somewhat MIA. I met her for lunch two weeks before our trip and learned that she's pretty frustrated with her job. Chi's interviewed for a couple positions within her company, horizontal career moves, but gotten nowhere. In phone conversations with Juan, she's cried in frustration and disappointment. Her self-esteem is a bit in question.
On the trip, she seemed okay. I figured her quiet demeanor was part having nothing left to say to me and part exhaustion from our daily hikes at high elevation. She seemed cheerful and social with everyone else. The journey home probably didn't help matters. First, our transportation during our first segment was 40 minutes late in picking us up from the airport. The host made up a lame excuse about traffic on a Friday night. Well, he should have known that and left earlier.
The next morning, our flight was delayed by one hour and 15 minutes which caused us to miss our connecting flight back to the U.S. The airline in question would not give us a voucher for a hotel room because they claimed it was air traffic control's fault and therefore they were not responsible. I would agree that the last 15 minutes prior to landing was due to air traffic, but not the one hour sitting on the ground before we departed. That was clearly due to their lack of organization. Chi was furious but the arguing went nowhere. I was a bit nonchalant about it only because I knew there was no point in getting mad and yelling at the service people. I tried to convince her to stop fighting with the service people. Yes, they deserved some of the complaints, but at some point, it's not constructive.
It's now been a week since we've been home. I waited almost a week to talk to her figuring we both needed normal time with work and boyfriends. Everyone's been clamoring for a photo party and we had agreed during the trip to have a shared party. In her e-mails, however, she's been very unexcited about the idea. She keeps saying that she's too tired to do anything and doesn't have the energy to think about helping to organize. All I've asked of her is to host. Yes, she may have to clean a bit and wash dishes, but otherwise I've said that we'd simply buy some prepared food from Costco and ask people to bring appetizers. Her e-mail just seem so depressing with her lack of enthusiasm. She doesn't even plan to invite anyone beyond a couple of friends and family whereas I need to invite almost 20 people.
So I worry. Is she totally annoyed with me or is she back to some unhappy state as she was before the vacation? Sometimes I wonder if I said something in the past or on the trip that really bothered her. Part of me wants to reach out and ask, another part of me thinks I should leave it alone until after Thanksgiving and see if she is simply slow to recover from the toll of the trip.
In the meantime, I'm asking another friend if she would host the party. (My living room becomes a death trap with more than 12 people.) I'll take care of all the food to make thing smoother. Hopefully, things work out.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Quality time weekend
Sorry, been meaning to post this but things have been busy.
I had a fabulous weekend. Tim and I watched "Knocked Up" on Friday night. It's a pretty funny movie though some of the humor was definitely male-oriented humiliation and toilet humor.
On Saturday, I dragged Tim out early for a special sale on outdoor gear. I'm headed to Africa and need to get some last goodies. I was especially excited to get some carbon trekking poles that normally cost a bundle. I already have the standard aluminum poles, but there's nothing like lightening the load a little. Afterwards we head out for a day in the city. It was really relaxing to sit on our travel chairs in the park and enjoy all the goings-on. To test out my new camping pillow, Tim suggested we "camp" on the living room floor for the night with the windows open to simulate the cold. So cute.
On Sunday, I met up with Is and Ci. This was our chance to catch up on some girl talk. I'm not totally close with them, but having very similar family backgrounds makes it easy for us to empathize with each other.
The morning could not have started out more crazy than people ending up in the wrong places. I thought specifying downtown would have made it clear but apparently not. Ten minutes after the meeting time, I was still waiting. I called Ci and she said she was already sitting at a booth. The hostess overheard my reaction and immediately suggested that she might be at another location. The local breakfast place, I forgot, has multiple locations.
Sure enough, Ci was sitting at the mall. That's the newest diner, one that I always forget exists. I immediately thought of Is. She tends to get lost easily. When Ci called her, it sounded like she was headed for downtown. But on a whim, I called her to double check. As soon as she answered the phone, she said, "Where are you guys? The place is closed."
Yup, she went to the original diner, which is three blocks away and only open on weekdays. After giving them both directions and waiting for a booth, we finally sat down to brunch. What a stressful morning!
We had the usual catching up over minor dramas such as Ci's husband running into his ex-girlfriend. I told them about Tim. The biggest topic of conversation that day was exploring how our attitudes about dating and marriage have evolved over the years. Naturally, they were curious about my change of heart with Tim. Is is having her own issues with Irish as she's unsure about the next step after almost two years.
At some point, I asked Ci how she knew that Cy was someone she wanted to marry. She explained that while he may not be the love of her life, he's what she's looking for at this point in her life. She mirrored some of her mother's choices at that age with her own priorities. Her honesty was refreshing to me.
I know some people would be aghast at that kind of comment. After all, we grow up with fairy tales about love and how it's the only reason to be with someone. But let's face it, love isn't everything, not in today's frantic world. If we all lived in bubbles, sure, it would always work out, but we live in a constantly changing environment.
Ci talked about how the two of them fight, maybe more than what she perceives to be normal. But then, he's intelligent and stable. Perhaps ten years ago she would have looked for someone more "wild." We all agreed that when you're in your twenties, it's easy to say "let's see what happens."
We talked about how we all have been programmed to believe we want this perfect Asian man that will also please our mothers. Subconsciously, we know we are still trying to please our parents even though we constantly struggle against their wishes. They'll never be happy with our choices whether it be the jobs we take, the money we spend, or the men we date.
Is is dealing with her own issues. She been dating Irish for some time now. Generally, the impression is that he's a good guy who wants to be with her for the long-term. She, however, is struggling with what's lacking in him. He's tall, self-sufficient, caring, and funny. What he lacks is a college education, a well-paying job, and a stable family background. Maybe this doesn't make sense to some people, but that's what you learn to look for and know that you're parents will be looking for if you have a background like ours.
While she finds it empowering to have to take the initiative with financial decisions and other practicalities, I know it's not the image she envisioned for herself. She is a bit of a princess type and has previously dated guys who always took care of her. I think she's struggling with the idea of being the one who wears the pants for the family if she marries Irish. She knows he's a good match for her despite those challenges.
Probably the telling question Ci offered was this, "Can you envision that your man will be there to push your wheelchair when you're old?" She laughed with a bit of fear that Cy would not be good about that. On the other hand, Is and I were confident that our men would support us through anything. It's a good feeling I suppose.
I had a fabulous weekend. Tim and I watched "Knocked Up" on Friday night. It's a pretty funny movie though some of the humor was definitely male-oriented humiliation and toilet humor.
On Saturday, I dragged Tim out early for a special sale on outdoor gear. I'm headed to Africa and need to get some last goodies. I was especially excited to get some carbon trekking poles that normally cost a bundle. I already have the standard aluminum poles, but there's nothing like lightening the load a little. Afterwards we head out for a day in the city. It was really relaxing to sit on our travel chairs in the park and enjoy all the goings-on. To test out my new camping pillow, Tim suggested we "camp" on the living room floor for the night with the windows open to simulate the cold. So cute.
On Sunday, I met up with Is and Ci. This was our chance to catch up on some girl talk. I'm not totally close with them, but having very similar family backgrounds makes it easy for us to empathize with each other.
The morning could not have started out more crazy than people ending up in the wrong places. I thought specifying downtown would have made it clear but apparently not. Ten minutes after the meeting time, I was still waiting. I called Ci and she said she was already sitting at a booth. The hostess overheard my reaction and immediately suggested that she might be at another location. The local breakfast place, I forgot, has multiple locations.
Sure enough, Ci was sitting at the mall. That's the newest diner, one that I always forget exists. I immediately thought of Is. She tends to get lost easily. When Ci called her, it sounded like she was headed for downtown. But on a whim, I called her to double check. As soon as she answered the phone, she said, "Where are you guys? The place is closed."
Yup, she went to the original diner, which is three blocks away and only open on weekdays. After giving them both directions and waiting for a booth, we finally sat down to brunch. What a stressful morning!
We had the usual catching up over minor dramas such as Ci's husband running into his ex-girlfriend. I told them about Tim. The biggest topic of conversation that day was exploring how our attitudes about dating and marriage have evolved over the years. Naturally, they were curious about my change of heart with Tim. Is is having her own issues with Irish as she's unsure about the next step after almost two years.
At some point, I asked Ci how she knew that Cy was someone she wanted to marry. She explained that while he may not be the love of her life, he's what she's looking for at this point in her life. She mirrored some of her mother's choices at that age with her own priorities. Her honesty was refreshing to me.
I know some people would be aghast at that kind of comment. After all, we grow up with fairy tales about love and how it's the only reason to be with someone. But let's face it, love isn't everything, not in today's frantic world. If we all lived in bubbles, sure, it would always work out, but we live in a constantly changing environment.
Ci talked about how the two of them fight, maybe more than what she perceives to be normal. But then, he's intelligent and stable. Perhaps ten years ago she would have looked for someone more "wild." We all agreed that when you're in your twenties, it's easy to say "let's see what happens."
We talked about how we all have been programmed to believe we want this perfect Asian man that will also please our mothers. Subconsciously, we know we are still trying to please our parents even though we constantly struggle against their wishes. They'll never be happy with our choices whether it be the jobs we take, the money we spend, or the men we date.
Is is dealing with her own issues. She been dating Irish for some time now. Generally, the impression is that he's a good guy who wants to be with her for the long-term. She, however, is struggling with what's lacking in him. He's tall, self-sufficient, caring, and funny. What he lacks is a college education, a well-paying job, and a stable family background. Maybe this doesn't make sense to some people, but that's what you learn to look for and know that you're parents will be looking for if you have a background like ours.
While she finds it empowering to have to take the initiative with financial decisions and other practicalities, I know it's not the image she envisioned for herself. She is a bit of a princess type and has previously dated guys who always took care of her. I think she's struggling with the idea of being the one who wears the pants for the family if she marries Irish. She knows he's a good match for her despite those challenges.
Probably the telling question Ci offered was this, "Can you envision that your man will be there to push your wheelchair when you're old?" She laughed with a bit of fear that Cy would not be good about that. On the other hand, Is and I were confident that our men would support us through anything. It's a good feeling I suppose.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Out of sight, no invite
Usually when one overhears a conversation about someone feeling hurt over being left out or wondering if they've been ignored for some unknown personal reason, one would think it's spat between two women.
In this case, however, it's my male friend, TJ. I found out over the weekend that he was asking why he had not been invited to a birthday party I organized for Tim. C3 made me aware of his inquiry. Apparently the reason he found out about it was because a friend asked TJ, "are you going to Tim's party at C3's?" Then, on the day of the party, Hula had called TJ asking if he wanted to carpool to C3's place for Tim's party. (Hello? Check the invite list before mentioning these things to people.)
Naturally, you can understand why this would be rather perplexing and somewhat hurtful to feel left out. Upon hearing this, I felt rather bad myself for hearing that he could not understand the reason for being excluded. TJ is a very gregarious person and likes to include others. I'm sure he expects similar behavior from others.
Before asking Tim, I chatted with C3 about it. My natural assumption is that Tim does not feel particularly close to TJ. There have been a few times where Tim expressed surprised at being included by TJ. Secondly, the party itself was never intended to be big like the parties that TJ likes to have. We kept it to less than a dozen people who Tim chose. Even I was surprised at how few people Tim wanted to include after asking him for additional names. Thirdly, given that TJ has never gone camping with us, spends much of his free time socializing with his girlfriend and her circles, and rarely shows up for casual events due to his work, it's easy to forget about him. He hasn't been there to "bond" with us (at least me anyhow).
Tim has been in my life for over three years. Besides big social gatherings like BBQs and house parties, I don't think TJ and Tim ever talk. On the other hand, friends like Hula, Drummer, Ig, and C3 see Tim monthly as a result of various outings and get-togethers. While I feel bad for forgetting TJ, there's a reason for it. Hearing him comment to C3 that he's the reason Tim and I even know each other is not fair. Just because you take credit for linking friends together doesn't give you an automatic ticket to events. (TJ and Pku are friends. Pku and Tim went to college together. I met Tim when Pku invited me on a group vacation.) I don't think TJ was implying that he should be invited for that reason alone, but he made that observation just the same which I find illogical.
Basically, C3 and I agree that it's tough when there are overlapping circles of friends. Not everyone needs to be included in everything other people do. For example, sometimes it makes sense that a casual evening is for people who live near by each other. I am very aware that I'm not invited to certain events, but I know it's because I'm not from the same college or ethnic group. Even though events may not be specifically organized around a specific theme, I certainly understand that I'm not being intentionally excluded sometimes. Come to think of it, I wasn't invited to TJ's girlfriend's birthday dinner even though Hula and C3 were; that's fine. Why should complain?
I told Tim about what has happened. He laughed a bit and then said, "whoops." It was plain to see that he had simply forgotten about TJ. It was mostly what I had thought, Tim hasn't seen TJ in months and didn't remember him. He was thinking of people he's hung out with over the summer. The thing about it is that, normally, TJ is so busy, he wouldn't have cared. His girlfriend happens to be out of town and he was alone the evening we had the birthday party.
I don't know if TJ will ever bring it up with me or Tim. C3 certainly felt bad because it was at her place. TJ targeted her with a bit of guilt. I take some responsibility since I controlled the invite list. At least Tim knows now to remember him next time. I only hope TJ realizes (or someone points it out to him) that sometimes he's not going to be included when he doesn't invest the time to hang out with people. Just because he sees Hula and C3 more regularly doesn't mean that Tim or I should be held to the same level of familiarity. It's not out of malice, just simply about people with who you have a current connection.
In this case, however, it's my male friend, TJ. I found out over the weekend that he was asking why he had not been invited to a birthday party I organized for Tim. C3 made me aware of his inquiry. Apparently the reason he found out about it was because a friend asked TJ, "are you going to Tim's party at C3's?" Then, on the day of the party, Hula had called TJ asking if he wanted to carpool to C3's place for Tim's party. (Hello? Check the invite list before mentioning these things to people.)
Naturally, you can understand why this would be rather perplexing and somewhat hurtful to feel left out. Upon hearing this, I felt rather bad myself for hearing that he could not understand the reason for being excluded. TJ is a very gregarious person and likes to include others. I'm sure he expects similar behavior from others.
Before asking Tim, I chatted with C3 about it. My natural assumption is that Tim does not feel particularly close to TJ. There have been a few times where Tim expressed surprised at being included by TJ. Secondly, the party itself was never intended to be big like the parties that TJ likes to have. We kept it to less than a dozen people who Tim chose. Even I was surprised at how few people Tim wanted to include after asking him for additional names. Thirdly, given that TJ has never gone camping with us, spends much of his free time socializing with his girlfriend and her circles, and rarely shows up for casual events due to his work, it's easy to forget about him. He hasn't been there to "bond" with us (at least me anyhow).
Tim has been in my life for over three years. Besides big social gatherings like BBQs and house parties, I don't think TJ and Tim ever talk. On the other hand, friends like Hula, Drummer, Ig, and C3 see Tim monthly as a result of various outings and get-togethers. While I feel bad for forgetting TJ, there's a reason for it. Hearing him comment to C3 that he's the reason Tim and I even know each other is not fair. Just because you take credit for linking friends together doesn't give you an automatic ticket to events. (TJ and Pku are friends. Pku and Tim went to college together. I met Tim when Pku invited me on a group vacation.) I don't think TJ was implying that he should be invited for that reason alone, but he made that observation just the same which I find illogical.
Basically, C3 and I agree that it's tough when there are overlapping circles of friends. Not everyone needs to be included in everything other people do. For example, sometimes it makes sense that a casual evening is for people who live near by each other. I am very aware that I'm not invited to certain events, but I know it's because I'm not from the same college or ethnic group. Even though events may not be specifically organized around a specific theme, I certainly understand that I'm not being intentionally excluded sometimes. Come to think of it, I wasn't invited to TJ's girlfriend's birthday dinner even though Hula and C3 were; that's fine. Why should complain?
I told Tim about what has happened. He laughed a bit and then said, "whoops." It was plain to see that he had simply forgotten about TJ. It was mostly what I had thought, Tim hasn't seen TJ in months and didn't remember him. He was thinking of people he's hung out with over the summer. The thing about it is that, normally, TJ is so busy, he wouldn't have cared. His girlfriend happens to be out of town and he was alone the evening we had the birthday party.
I don't know if TJ will ever bring it up with me or Tim. C3 certainly felt bad because it was at her place. TJ targeted her with a bit of guilt. I take some responsibility since I controlled the invite list. At least Tim knows now to remember him next time. I only hope TJ realizes (or someone points it out to him) that sometimes he's not going to be included when he doesn't invest the time to hang out with people. Just because he sees Hula and C3 more regularly doesn't mean that Tim or I should be held to the same level of familiarity. It's not out of malice, just simply about people with who you have a current connection.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
What's what
I received the following "article" in an e-mail from one of the dating sites that still has me on their mailing list. It's always good to reread these kinds of lists because they help to focus all those silly ideas, feelings, and questions that are floating around inside one's head. In the past I've often found it hard to describe some of the ideals and needs that I look for in a guy. This seems like a very good set of basics. I think it's a very fair list of traits that people could keep in mind when assessing a relationship.
What's important?
The key to dating well is to know yourself and your partner deeply enough to be able to accurately observe the ways that you interact from the beginning stages of the relationship’s development. The feeling of new love is like nothing else, but if you are completely swept away in emotion to the point that you are ignoring obvious incompatibilities, you might find that months and maybe even years down the road that you feel "cheated" in your relationship. By ignoring the following seven similarities you could be missing out on a much more satisfying and happy relationship.
When I read it this time, it reaffirmed some of the choices I've made in my life. It reminded me about why my guy is often right and where sometimes my rationale for decisions is sometimes unrealistic. Attitudes and priorities change as you grow older, no answer is perfect. The best you can do is be honest with yourself about who you are versus who you want to be at that point in time.
1. Spiritual Harmony
Although not always referring to religious affiliation, spiritual harmony refers to a shared perception of God or a higher power as well as how much weight spiritual belief weighs in on your life. It is about the relationship of spirituality in your life. If you are religious or very spiritual and your partner has a very low level, there may be problems, especially if marriage and children follow.
I'm not religious, so it goes to say that I'd prefer someone who is similar. I dated someone Catholic in college. I learned a lot, and I know I don't want to deal with that again.
2. Desire for Verbal Intimacy and Ability to be Intimate
Intimacy is what romantic relationships are all about—emotional intimacy, mental intimacy, physical intimacy, and for many spiritual intimacy. A committed, monogamous relationship is a special union in which you can share the most intimate sides of yourself and so can your partner with you. As part of sharing this intimacy, there are three key factors: the ability to connect with another through caring, interest and compassion, the ability to express, and the ability to listen well. Beyond those skills, both partners must have mutual desire to get to know the other on all of these levels. Love is a total package, and one that must be wanted equally by both parties.
This one is very important even though I would never say I'm very good at it. My problem is that, in the past, I've bottled up feelings when I've **really** liked a guy. I'm afraid to rock the boat or scare him off by talking about my hopes for a future together. I also fear showing a side of me that seems insecure or annoying because they will like me less or realize they don't want to be with someone who acts like that. It's something I've worked on through friends, through my therapist. I also need to know that he'll tell me what he's thinking when he's brooding in the corner. I can't read minds, and it's totally frustrating when it's brushed off as nothing.
3. Energy Level
The energy level of a person may sound like something simple, but it can affect many things about a person, including other key similarities partners should share such as ambition level, interests and personal habits. If the disposition of your partner is more low-key and your disposition is all about high energy wave-making, you can be sure that there will be future problems to contend with—you’ll want to go, go, go, and your partner will feel pressured and may even pressure you to slow down, down, down.
This is definitely important. I don't want a couch potato but I could never keep up with a party-hopper. Sometimes I wish I'd done more of the clubbing scene in my twenties, but it's just not my pace. I like being up at a decent hour, like 9am, because so much can get done before noon. I've never understood people who wake up at noon on weekends.
4. Ambition Level
Differences in ambition levels can wreak havoc in relationships because work and achievement is such a large part of our culture, and work in most cases is necessary for survival. Those who are highly goal-driven will have a hard time understanding why their partner seems to be "aimless" or is not interested in accomplishing anything, when to their partner, they may seem like they never take time to stop and simply enjoy life for what it is. And yet, life for what it is to the ambitious is work and achievement. Therefore, ambition level is best when relatively similar.
This has definitely been a reason for not wanting to continue dating one guy. He would constantly complain about his company and his job and yet he stayed there for years. Even now, (we're still friends) he has a somewhat aimless career. It would have driven me nuts. I have no interest in being the wife of a CEO who's never home, but certainly I want someone who cares and nurtures their career.
5. Role Expectations
Not just about traditional roles of who stays home and who works, role expectations can involve everything from who does particular household tasks such as shopping and taking out the trash to who pays on a date to how a person should dress. Role expectations should be similar and compatible. It is not so important what the roles chosen are, but that both partners enjoy and are happy with mutual expectations that partners have for each other.
I don't think I consciously think about this, not this comprehensively. I do always joke about who's going to cook or fold laundry so this descriptor captures the bigger pictures. I'd like to have it be fairly equal but I think there are just some things that one person will do better than the other. I'm not June Cleaver though it might be fun to try for a few months.
6. Interests
Relationships are built on love, attraction, compatibility and a history of shared experiences. Interests help to create those shared experiences that become memories of happy moments spent together. Looking back, participating in particular interests becomes evidence of the good times and love that you have shared. While all interests do not have to be the same, and partners can introduce really enjoyable independent interests, the major ones should be relatively similar. If your idea of a Saturday involves a beach chair and a great new bestselling book, but your partner is more into hiking, biking and rock climbing on his days off, or if your partner’s idea of riveting entertainment is rental movies and take out on a Saturday night but you’re already dressed and ready to go out to paint the town red, you may want to reconsider whether your interest aligns enough for a long-term relationship.
This is definitely something that makes a difference. The one thing that can be hard to tell is whether a hobby someone has is something incompatible or something that you need to give a good try. My cousin has dated men who were into the outdoors. She tried camping once, but it wasn't fun. She's an urban girl. Her tolerance is a half-day hike within 20 miles of modern facilities. On the other hand, CC's sister-in-law was a total urban girl until she started dating her current boyfriend. She couldn't stop talking about his awesome body, now goes camping with him often, and works out constantly. They never would have imagined her new-found interest in the outdoors. When I look at couples I know, it definitely seems to be a better fit if they enjoy similar things like playing piano, board games, cooking, parties, traveling. It's amazing how long couples can debate, even argue, over the color they want to paint the house and what fabric and style to choose for new drapes.
7. Personal Habits
Personal habits are often overlooked during the "honeymoon stage" of any relationship. In fact, even some of the most off-putting habits later declared as near-deal-breakers are even regarded as "cute" or endearing. Whether or not your partner is on time or runs chronically late, is clean or messy, is responsible financially or plays things more "loose"—all of these personal habits come into play. Additionally, habits like weight management or fitness activity level are equally important. There may be other personal habits that particularly resonate with you as being unacceptable—make sure you watch out for them and agree to come to terms with them; most times habits are hard to break and even harder when they’re not likely to change.
I'd guess this is the reason many people move in together before getting married. People want to know if they can get along. As much as two people might spend their time together, it's impossible to know these things unless you live in the same space and share responsibilities. There are things to be fixed, places to be cleaned, bills to be paid. A guy who's bachelor apartment is strewn with junk mail that's been collecting for years or who's bathroom hasn't been cleaned for 5+ years (yes, I have male friends like this) is going to have to change. Can he? I want someone who I believe wants to take care of himself. I don't want to be a mother who has to clean up after someone or remind him to watch his calories and salt intake. I have to admit, I want someone who wants to look attractive, though not someone who spends more time or money on it than me. For me, I still don't like the idea of living with someone until I'm engaged or married. Who knows what will actually happen, I just want to know there's serious commitment before I take that big step.
This list has been interesting because, often, when little things have bothered me about someone I've dated, I worried that I was being picky or looking for excuses. Seeing this list, however, reminds me that some of these little things can turn into bigger things if I don't talk them through to determine whether or not they are serious issues.
Nothing, of course, is ever perfect. There will always be compromise. I see from married friends that you learn to know how to pick your battles or present things in ways that minimize conflict. I don't know that I really understand the criteria for marriage. There's so much uncertainty involved compared to dating because you have to think about the long term.
What's important?
The key to dating well is to know yourself and your partner deeply enough to be able to accurately observe the ways that you interact from the beginning stages of the relationship’s development. The feeling of new love is like nothing else, but if you are completely swept away in emotion to the point that you are ignoring obvious incompatibilities, you might find that months and maybe even years down the road that you feel "cheated" in your relationship. By ignoring the following seven similarities you could be missing out on a much more satisfying and happy relationship.
When I read it this time, it reaffirmed some of the choices I've made in my life. It reminded me about why my guy is often right and where sometimes my rationale for decisions is sometimes unrealistic. Attitudes and priorities change as you grow older, no answer is perfect. The best you can do is be honest with yourself about who you are versus who you want to be at that point in time.
1. Spiritual Harmony
Although not always referring to religious affiliation, spiritual harmony refers to a shared perception of God or a higher power as well as how much weight spiritual belief weighs in on your life. It is about the relationship of spirituality in your life. If you are religious or very spiritual and your partner has a very low level, there may be problems, especially if marriage and children follow.
I'm not religious, so it goes to say that I'd prefer someone who is similar. I dated someone Catholic in college. I learned a lot, and I know I don't want to deal with that again.
2. Desire for Verbal Intimacy and Ability to be Intimate
Intimacy is what romantic relationships are all about—emotional intimacy, mental intimacy, physical intimacy, and for many spiritual intimacy. A committed, monogamous relationship is a special union in which you can share the most intimate sides of yourself and so can your partner with you. As part of sharing this intimacy, there are three key factors: the ability to connect with another through caring, interest and compassion, the ability to express, and the ability to listen well. Beyond those skills, both partners must have mutual desire to get to know the other on all of these levels. Love is a total package, and one that must be wanted equally by both parties.
This one is very important even though I would never say I'm very good at it. My problem is that, in the past, I've bottled up feelings when I've **really** liked a guy. I'm afraid to rock the boat or scare him off by talking about my hopes for a future together. I also fear showing a side of me that seems insecure or annoying because they will like me less or realize they don't want to be with someone who acts like that. It's something I've worked on through friends, through my therapist. I also need to know that he'll tell me what he's thinking when he's brooding in the corner. I can't read minds, and it's totally frustrating when it's brushed off as nothing.
3. Energy Level
The energy level of a person may sound like something simple, but it can affect many things about a person, including other key similarities partners should share such as ambition level, interests and personal habits. If the disposition of your partner is more low-key and your disposition is all about high energy wave-making, you can be sure that there will be future problems to contend with—you’ll want to go, go, go, and your partner will feel pressured and may even pressure you to slow down, down, down.
This is definitely important. I don't want a couch potato but I could never keep up with a party-hopper. Sometimes I wish I'd done more of the clubbing scene in my twenties, but it's just not my pace. I like being up at a decent hour, like 9am, because so much can get done before noon. I've never understood people who wake up at noon on weekends.
4. Ambition Level
Differences in ambition levels can wreak havoc in relationships because work and achievement is such a large part of our culture, and work in most cases is necessary for survival. Those who are highly goal-driven will have a hard time understanding why their partner seems to be "aimless" or is not interested in accomplishing anything, when to their partner, they may seem like they never take time to stop and simply enjoy life for what it is. And yet, life for what it is to the ambitious is work and achievement. Therefore, ambition level is best when relatively similar.
This has definitely been a reason for not wanting to continue dating one guy. He would constantly complain about his company and his job and yet he stayed there for years. Even now, (we're still friends) he has a somewhat aimless career. It would have driven me nuts. I have no interest in being the wife of a CEO who's never home, but certainly I want someone who cares and nurtures their career.
5. Role Expectations
Not just about traditional roles of who stays home and who works, role expectations can involve everything from who does particular household tasks such as shopping and taking out the trash to who pays on a date to how a person should dress. Role expectations should be similar and compatible. It is not so important what the roles chosen are, but that both partners enjoy and are happy with mutual expectations that partners have for each other.
I don't think I consciously think about this, not this comprehensively. I do always joke about who's going to cook or fold laundry so this descriptor captures the bigger pictures. I'd like to have it be fairly equal but I think there are just some things that one person will do better than the other. I'm not June Cleaver though it might be fun to try for a few months.
6. Interests
Relationships are built on love, attraction, compatibility and a history of shared experiences. Interests help to create those shared experiences that become memories of happy moments spent together. Looking back, participating in particular interests becomes evidence of the good times and love that you have shared. While all interests do not have to be the same, and partners can introduce really enjoyable independent interests, the major ones should be relatively similar. If your idea of a Saturday involves a beach chair and a great new bestselling book, but your partner is more into hiking, biking and rock climbing on his days off, or if your partner’s idea of riveting entertainment is rental movies and take out on a Saturday night but you’re already dressed and ready to go out to paint the town red, you may want to reconsider whether your interest aligns enough for a long-term relationship.
This is definitely something that makes a difference. The one thing that can be hard to tell is whether a hobby someone has is something incompatible or something that you need to give a good try. My cousin has dated men who were into the outdoors. She tried camping once, but it wasn't fun. She's an urban girl. Her tolerance is a half-day hike within 20 miles of modern facilities. On the other hand, CC's sister-in-law was a total urban girl until she started dating her current boyfriend. She couldn't stop talking about his awesome body, now goes camping with him often, and works out constantly. They never would have imagined her new-found interest in the outdoors. When I look at couples I know, it definitely seems to be a better fit if they enjoy similar things like playing piano, board games, cooking, parties, traveling. It's amazing how long couples can debate, even argue, over the color they want to paint the house and what fabric and style to choose for new drapes.
7. Personal Habits
Personal habits are often overlooked during the "honeymoon stage" of any relationship. In fact, even some of the most off-putting habits later declared as near-deal-breakers are even regarded as "cute" or endearing. Whether or not your partner is on time or runs chronically late, is clean or messy, is responsible financially or plays things more "loose"—all of these personal habits come into play. Additionally, habits like weight management or fitness activity level are equally important. There may be other personal habits that particularly resonate with you as being unacceptable—make sure you watch out for them and agree to come to terms with them; most times habits are hard to break and even harder when they’re not likely to change.
I'd guess this is the reason many people move in together before getting married. People want to know if they can get along. As much as two people might spend their time together, it's impossible to know these things unless you live in the same space and share responsibilities. There are things to be fixed, places to be cleaned, bills to be paid. A guy who's bachelor apartment is strewn with junk mail that's been collecting for years or who's bathroom hasn't been cleaned for 5+ years (yes, I have male friends like this) is going to have to change. Can he? I want someone who I believe wants to take care of himself. I don't want to be a mother who has to clean up after someone or remind him to watch his calories and salt intake. I have to admit, I want someone who wants to look attractive, though not someone who spends more time or money on it than me. For me, I still don't like the idea of living with someone until I'm engaged or married. Who knows what will actually happen, I just want to know there's serious commitment before I take that big step.
This list has been interesting because, often, when little things have bothered me about someone I've dated, I worried that I was being picky or looking for excuses. Seeing this list, however, reminds me that some of these little things can turn into bigger things if I don't talk them through to determine whether or not they are serious issues.
Nothing, of course, is ever perfect. There will always be compromise. I see from married friends that you learn to know how to pick your battles or present things in ways that minimize conflict. I don't know that I really understand the criteria for marriage. There's so much uncertainty involved compared to dating because you have to think about the long term.
Friday, July 13, 2007
The little things
It's been a good week, I'm way behind at work and yet it doesn't bother me. There's always going to be something I can't finish. I'm just enjoying my summer.
And it's been a plenty good week in terms of little accomplishments:
- secured a last-minute reservation for Yosemite (I'm training for a big hiking adventure in the fall; someone cancelled and I scooped up the camp site)
- redeemed some mileage for tickets to Hawaii for a long Labor Day weekend (got vacation, will use)
- rode my bike to work after promising myself that I'd do this for the past three months (it's not that far and yet it's so easy to just drive like so many other people)
- arrange to have an information chat with someone (career research)
- watched a minor league baseball game with friends
- received a free tin of Spicy Maya Hot Chocolate drink for commenting that I was disappoint with how a local cafe prepared it (here's to hoping I can make it at home as well as they do at their Chuao shops)
This weekend, I'm going to go browse all the clearance sales and hang out with friends. I love summer. Somehow it always fills up with fun things.
Now if I could just find time to actually clean my place... ;)
And it's been a plenty good week in terms of little accomplishments:
- secured a last-minute reservation for Yosemite (I'm training for a big hiking adventure in the fall; someone cancelled and I scooped up the camp site)
- redeemed some mileage for tickets to Hawaii for a long Labor Day weekend (got vacation, will use)
- rode my bike to work after promising myself that I'd do this for the past three months (it's not that far and yet it's so easy to just drive like so many other people)
- arrange to have an information chat with someone (career research)
- watched a minor league baseball game with friends
- received a free tin of Spicy Maya Hot Chocolate drink for commenting that I was disappoint with how a local cafe prepared it (here's to hoping I can make it at home as well as they do at their Chuao shops)
This weekend, I'm going to go browse all the clearance sales and hang out with friends. I love summer. Somehow it always fills up with fun things.
Now if I could just find time to actually clean my place... ;)
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Check that one!
In between my business trips, I made a quick stop.
A group of us escaped civilization and headed out to Yosemite. This is a wonderful place to me. It was probably the first nation park I ever visited on my own after college (as opposed to a family trip). I only wish I had done more outdoor activities in my twenties.
The grand plan was to hike to Half Dome and climb the cables to the top. We woke up at 5:30am thinking we'd start early and beat the crowds. It turned into a beautiful day, blue skies, wisps of clouds, and clear views in every direction. I was disappointed to find myself struggling to keep up with everyone. After hiking every weekend and going to the gym each week, I didn't expect to feel so winded. Granted the hike starts at over 4000 ft., but it was still frustrating. Later, when we stopped for a break, it was pointed out to me how heavy my pack was compared to what other were packing. I was carrying the bulk of lunch plus my 3.5 liters of water. Maybe I should practice more often with extra weight.
As always, the trail had beautiful views of waterfalls and the landscape. We stopped several times for bathroom breaks and snacks. All the hiking and heat can really make people hungry. We expected to reach the base of Half Dome in under 5 hours. Somehow, we took much longer than expected. We arrived some six hours later to this view.
The line was rather long. Like many others, we debated whether it was worth waiting in the long line. Given the recent tragedy, we were kind of hoping that maybe there'd be fewer people. (The debate that followed was an interesting read, demonstrating that there's never a perfect solution to anything.)
For me personally, there was no question of whether to wait in line to climb the cables. I've been here twice before and not finished; once because it was getting late, once because I had a sharp headache. The lines back then weren't this bad. At least, being here before helped me know how to prepare. I took ibuprofen halfway through the hike to prevent headache and brought some tough leather gloves for the cables.
We ate our lunch as we waited in line. It took TWO hours to finally take our turn climbing the cables. From the bottom, it looks much steeper than it actually is, though it's definitely not something to climb freely. Our climbs both up and down were slowed by people not prepared for the challenge.
The view at the top was fabulous. It's almost a 360 degree view of Yosemite. It's scary how close to the edge of the dome one can stand. I got about five feet from the edge but that was as much risk as I could handle. I'm not afraid of heights, just afraid of a crumbling edge or unexpected gust of wind.
As we waited to go back down, one of my friends observed, "there are people who don't realize they're scared of heights until they try and come down." The guy in front of us overheard and raised his hand and said, "that would be me." The guy kept sitting down and his buddy tried to give him suggestion to make the descent easier. The buddy also had to push him a bit, telling him things like, "you can't go down on your butt, get up."
In contrast, there were people who climbed as if this were a walk in the park. One false step, and you can fall thousands of feet. It's amazing how different people's sense of risk is. Seeing a shiny silver object roll (turned out to be some one's camera), then bounce, then hit rock and break into three pieces as it disappeared over the edge is a good reminder that there's no safety net if something happens.
We all felt great after coming down. There's definitely a feeling of satisfaction in accomplishing a feet like Half Dome. We gave each other high-fives to celebrate.
Other minor observations:
1) Squirrels - Don't feed them and don't leave your packs unattended. They know how to get into your stuff to search for food. Someone left a bag tucked under a rock overhang while climbing the cables. I spotted a squirrel who had pulled out two drink bottles and a package of Advil. They are clever.
2) On the return trail, if you have a choice, avoid the route that involves going down steep stairs - it really hurts the knees.
3) Tradeoffs in campsite selection - interior campground sites can be noisy and feel crowded; outer campground sites are more likely to be visited by bears.
A group of us escaped civilization and headed out to Yosemite. This is a wonderful place to me. It was probably the first nation park I ever visited on my own after college (as opposed to a family trip). I only wish I had done more outdoor activities in my twenties.
The grand plan was to hike to Half Dome and climb the cables to the top. We woke up at 5:30am thinking we'd start early and beat the crowds. It turned into a beautiful day, blue skies, wisps of clouds, and clear views in every direction. I was disappointed to find myself struggling to keep up with everyone. After hiking every weekend and going to the gym each week, I didn't expect to feel so winded. Granted the hike starts at over 4000 ft., but it was still frustrating. Later, when we stopped for a break, it was pointed out to me how heavy my pack was compared to what other were packing. I was carrying the bulk of lunch plus my 3.5 liters of water. Maybe I should practice more often with extra weight.
As always, the trail had beautiful views of waterfalls and the landscape. We stopped several times for bathroom breaks and snacks. All the hiking and heat can really make people hungry. We expected to reach the base of Half Dome in under 5 hours. Somehow, we took much longer than expected. We arrived some six hours later to this view.
The line was rather long. Like many others, we debated whether it was worth waiting in the long line. Given the recent tragedy, we were kind of hoping that maybe there'd be fewer people. (The debate that followed was an interesting read, demonstrating that there's never a perfect solution to anything.)
For me personally, there was no question of whether to wait in line to climb the cables. I've been here twice before and not finished; once because it was getting late, once because I had a sharp headache. The lines back then weren't this bad. At least, being here before helped me know how to prepare. I took ibuprofen halfway through the hike to prevent headache and brought some tough leather gloves for the cables.
We ate our lunch as we waited in line. It took TWO hours to finally take our turn climbing the cables. From the bottom, it looks much steeper than it actually is, though it's definitely not something to climb freely. Our climbs both up and down were slowed by people not prepared for the challenge.
The view at the top was fabulous. It's almost a 360 degree view of Yosemite. It's scary how close to the edge of the dome one can stand. I got about five feet from the edge but that was as much risk as I could handle. I'm not afraid of heights, just afraid of a crumbling edge or unexpected gust of wind.
As we waited to go back down, one of my friends observed, "there are people who don't realize they're scared of heights until they try and come down." The guy in front of us overheard and raised his hand and said, "that would be me." The guy kept sitting down and his buddy tried to give him suggestion to make the descent easier. The buddy also had to push him a bit, telling him things like, "you can't go down on your butt, get up."
In contrast, there were people who climbed as if this were a walk in the park. One false step, and you can fall thousands of feet. It's amazing how different people's sense of risk is. Seeing a shiny silver object roll (turned out to be some one's camera), then bounce, then hit rock and break into three pieces as it disappeared over the edge is a good reminder that there's no safety net if something happens.
We all felt great after coming down. There's definitely a feeling of satisfaction in accomplishing a feet like Half Dome. We gave each other high-fives to celebrate.
Other minor observations:
1) Squirrels - Don't feed them and don't leave your packs unattended. They know how to get into your stuff to search for food. Someone left a bag tucked under a rock overhang while climbing the cables. I spotted a squirrel who had pulled out two drink bottles and a package of Advil. They are clever.
2) On the return trail, if you have a choice, avoid the route that involves going down steep stairs - it really hurts the knees.
3) Tradeoffs in campsite selection - interior campground sites can be noisy and feel crowded; outer campground sites are more likely to be visited by bears.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Don't wear nice clothes, he spits
This weekend was unintentionally busy. It seems prior to every weekend I think it'll be a chance to relax and do nothing for half a day. The past two weekends, it's been nothing like that.
Saturday I did some hiking with friends. We're going camping in a couple weeks, and that trip included an all-day hike that will be fairly strenuous. We knew we all needed to get our feet and legs into shape. It was a decent hike, though we ended up taking an easier trail since people were getting tired.
The 9am hike basically turned into an all-day event. After the hike, we had brunch. Then, we walked around the quaint little town we were in, strolling through the nice furniture shops and touristy antique stores. We laughed about all the little things they had for sale and how you could probably buy much of the stuff at a garage sale for a quarter of the price!
I really wanted to nap by the time I got home, but I promised my friend that we'd meet to work on our oral presentation for our class. We're using photos from the vacation as the source of our little narrative. It'll be fun, though we ended up with a crazy number of pictures for a 5-minute presentation.
In the evening, I rejoined my friends for dinner. We ate at this new Korean BBQ place. It wasn't at all what anyone expected. The place was 3-months new, well-lit, clean, and not at all smokey. The wall was a modern design with a backlight that gradually changed colors all night. The grill were set into the table and had the fan on the sides of the grill so no smoke every rose up from the table. It was kind of odd thinking the smell of smoke wouldn't be in our hair and clothes after leaving the restaurant.
Sunday was a baby day. I chatted with my friend, Sister, who's been on maternity leave, enjoying her little boy. We're trying to meet up while I'm in town for a business trip. I will only be there one night, so it'll be a little tricky to meet littleJ before he falls asleep.
Then, I met up with an old high school friend, Bragh, who was visiting town with her three-month old. We catch up probably once a year though there were a number of years we didn't do much more than exchange Xmas cards (though I think only I was sending anything). She also invited another high school classmate, Epiphany, to join us. It's someone from the year above us, but we were all on the speech and debate team. He brought along his wife and 16-month son.
Getting ready, I debated what to wear. Do I show off a little and dress better, or just throw on whatever jeans and t-shirt was at the foot of my bed? In the end, I figured if I had the chance to hold the baby, he might drool. I opted for the decent but older knit shirt.
I arrived first. I wanted to put down my name for the waitlist, but honestly had no idea how many people were coming. Both families arrived at about the same time, only a couple minutes after the hour. Knowing they'd take awhile to get the kids out of the cars, I got a quick headcount and put my name down for a table.
When our table was ready, I stood back to let the seating arrangement take shape. Usually, I see the kid and parent straddle a corner of the table for easy reach. I figured I'd take which ever chair was vacant. That put me between Epiphany's son and Bragh's husband. Epiphany's wife jokingly apologized upfront fearing any wild swings of a food-covered spoon during the meal from Will. I assured her my choice of clothing was exactly for that reason. Other than some spoon drumming, Will was a good kid. I had to pick up his sippy cup several times, but he stayed content eating his fruit.
It was a bit surreal at times having breakfast. I didn't totally feel like a fish out of water. In fact, I can talk about kids and babies as if I have one. Sometimes my guy friends think it strange I know so much. It's just a fact of being around so many mothers at work. You learn from all their conversations and venting about pregnancy and child-rearing.
Bragh's son spits up A LOT. I about their experiments with all brands of baby formula. Costco brand turned into something oatmealish when it came back up, so they've sworn off that kind. It's funny how they've become pretty good at sensing when he'll spit up (like little burps). Epiphany's son learned to refuse formula just by the smell. They were both pretty healthy kids. They shared stories about potential bed rest and struggles with breastfeeding.
Women's bodily functions become public knowledge once you have a baby. The husbands didn't seen at all phased by the brunch discussion. It's refreshing to be able to share such things, but I supposed it has it's oddness.
The one thought that never occurred to me until the mothers laughed about it was that no moment is private. Even when you need to go to the bathroom, you take your child with you. I'm trying to imagine holding a child while peeing... ugh. As they get older, you also need to entertain them. Will was taught to help mom by pulling off a couple squares of toilet paper. That changed one day when she was getting dressed and saw a trail of toilet paper leading from the bathroom, across the room, and into the closet. ;)
They asked about my job and stuff, but politely avoided asking about my love life. I guess it was kind of a relief. A part of me wanted it to come up so that maybe I could see if Epiphany could introduce me to some successful Google friends, but guys rarely think about helping set up people.
All in all, it was a fun morning. It's wonderful to see old friends and enjoy how their lives have evolved and grown. Baby smiles are priceless.
The rest of the day, I ran some errands, bought some trekking poles off craigslist, and met up with my friend for more presentation preparation. The best part of the day was laying out on the couch for three hours watching the mini-series "Battlestar Galactica" (the modern version, not the 1970s tv show). I'm dying to get home to finish the last hour of the series.
Saturday I did some hiking with friends. We're going camping in a couple weeks, and that trip included an all-day hike that will be fairly strenuous. We knew we all needed to get our feet and legs into shape. It was a decent hike, though we ended up taking an easier trail since people were getting tired.
The 9am hike basically turned into an all-day event. After the hike, we had brunch. Then, we walked around the quaint little town we were in, strolling through the nice furniture shops and touristy antique stores. We laughed about all the little things they had for sale and how you could probably buy much of the stuff at a garage sale for a quarter of the price!
I really wanted to nap by the time I got home, but I promised my friend that we'd meet to work on our oral presentation for our class. We're using photos from the vacation as the source of our little narrative. It'll be fun, though we ended up with a crazy number of pictures for a 5-minute presentation.
In the evening, I rejoined my friends for dinner. We ate at this new Korean BBQ place. It wasn't at all what anyone expected. The place was 3-months new, well-lit, clean, and not at all smokey. The wall was a modern design with a backlight that gradually changed colors all night. The grill were set into the table and had the fan on the sides of the grill so no smoke every rose up from the table. It was kind of odd thinking the smell of smoke wouldn't be in our hair and clothes after leaving the restaurant.
Sunday was a baby day. I chatted with my friend, Sister, who's been on maternity leave, enjoying her little boy. We're trying to meet up while I'm in town for a business trip. I will only be there one night, so it'll be a little tricky to meet littleJ before he falls asleep.
Then, I met up with an old high school friend, Bragh, who was visiting town with her three-month old. We catch up probably once a year though there were a number of years we didn't do much more than exchange Xmas cards (though I think only I was sending anything). She also invited another high school classmate, Epiphany, to join us. It's someone from the year above us, but we were all on the speech and debate team. He brought along his wife and 16-month son.
Getting ready, I debated what to wear. Do I show off a little and dress better, or just throw on whatever jeans and t-shirt was at the foot of my bed? In the end, I figured if I had the chance to hold the baby, he might drool. I opted for the decent but older knit shirt.
I arrived first. I wanted to put down my name for the waitlist, but honestly had no idea how many people were coming. Both families arrived at about the same time, only a couple minutes after the hour. Knowing they'd take awhile to get the kids out of the cars, I got a quick headcount and put my name down for a table.
When our table was ready, I stood back to let the seating arrangement take shape. Usually, I see the kid and parent straddle a corner of the table for easy reach. I figured I'd take which ever chair was vacant. That put me between Epiphany's son and Bragh's husband. Epiphany's wife jokingly apologized upfront fearing any wild swings of a food-covered spoon during the meal from Will. I assured her my choice of clothing was exactly for that reason. Other than some spoon drumming, Will was a good kid. I had to pick up his sippy cup several times, but he stayed content eating his fruit.
It was a bit surreal at times having breakfast. I didn't totally feel like a fish out of water. In fact, I can talk about kids and babies as if I have one. Sometimes my guy friends think it strange I know so much. It's just a fact of being around so many mothers at work. You learn from all their conversations and venting about pregnancy and child-rearing.
Bragh's son spits up A LOT. I about their experiments with all brands of baby formula. Costco brand turned into something oatmealish when it came back up, so they've sworn off that kind. It's funny how they've become pretty good at sensing when he'll spit up (like little burps). Epiphany's son learned to refuse formula just by the smell. They were both pretty healthy kids. They shared stories about potential bed rest and struggles with breastfeeding.
Women's bodily functions become public knowledge once you have a baby. The husbands didn't seen at all phased by the brunch discussion. It's refreshing to be able to share such things, but I supposed it has it's oddness.
The one thought that never occurred to me until the mothers laughed about it was that no moment is private. Even when you need to go to the bathroom, you take your child with you. I'm trying to imagine holding a child while peeing... ugh. As they get older, you also need to entertain them. Will was taught to help mom by pulling off a couple squares of toilet paper. That changed one day when she was getting dressed and saw a trail of toilet paper leading from the bathroom, across the room, and into the closet. ;)
They asked about my job and stuff, but politely avoided asking about my love life. I guess it was kind of a relief. A part of me wanted it to come up so that maybe I could see if Epiphany could introduce me to some successful Google friends, but guys rarely think about helping set up people.
All in all, it was a fun morning. It's wonderful to see old friends and enjoy how their lives have evolved and grown. Baby smiles are priceless.
The rest of the day, I ran some errands, bought some trekking poles off craigslist, and met up with my friend for more presentation preparation. The best part of the day was laying out on the couch for three hours watching the mini-series "Battlestar Galactica" (the modern version, not the 1970s tv show). I'm dying to get home to finish the last hour of the series.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
That time of year
For most people, this is a time of new beginnings. Spring has arrived, it's getting warmer, lighter, and all the blossoms are blooming. At any given moment, it's just wonderful being outdoors (most of the time).
That would be totally true for me except for one thing - my birthday is next week. Whether I try to enjoy it or try to ignore it, it ends up making my life miserable. Sometime I don't know that it's even necessarily my birthday. For whatever reason, the weeks before end up being annoying and emotionally unstable.
While everyone else has their birthdays planned by others (i.e. a significant other, roommate, or best friend), no one really remembers mine until the last minute. Sadly, I don't recall a single year in my life that I've had a boyfriend plan a group event for my birthday. I feel so invisible. For that reason, I tend to avoid making a big deal of mine. It's easier than face disappointment. Each year that I've tried to plan something for myself - say a dinner or a casual get together for games, it ends up stressing me out.
The same has happened this year. At first, I thought I'd just ignore that damn day. But then I thought I'd just make it into an excuse to have a nice dinner. No mention of the word "birthday" and I have every intend of paying for myself. As it turns out, the stress of deciding who to invite and who would come just made me disappointed, nervous, and anxious.
Now, a couple girlfriends want to arrange a girls' day out to mark my birthday. It's a really sweet gesture. They asked if there's anything in particular I'd like to do. Honestly, I can't think of a darn thing. I want them to have fun, and I know I eventually would. [sigh] The thing is the idea of spending my day with all my married girlfriends feels incredibly depressing to me.
As much as I value my close friends, it becomes more painful every year to be the outsider. It's more noticeable because there are no other single gals in my immediate circle of friends and more people are starting families. Naturally, when we get together, they compare notes about couple things whether it be deciding on a paint color or who's husband spends more time talking about politics. I just clam up. What could I possibly contribute to the conversation? It's that or they turn the conversation on me and ask whether I'm dating, why I'm not, or why Tim and I are still just friends. It's exhausting.
If they manage to plan something, I'll go along with it. I just pray that I can be positive and enjoy myself.
That would be totally true for me except for one thing - my birthday is next week. Whether I try to enjoy it or try to ignore it, it ends up making my life miserable. Sometime I don't know that it's even necessarily my birthday. For whatever reason, the weeks before end up being annoying and emotionally unstable.
While everyone else has their birthdays planned by others (i.e. a significant other, roommate, or best friend), no one really remembers mine until the last minute. Sadly, I don't recall a single year in my life that I've had a boyfriend plan a group event for my birthday. I feel so invisible. For that reason, I tend to avoid making a big deal of mine. It's easier than face disappointment. Each year that I've tried to plan something for myself - say a dinner or a casual get together for games, it ends up stressing me out.
The same has happened this year. At first, I thought I'd just ignore that damn day. But then I thought I'd just make it into an excuse to have a nice dinner. No mention of the word "birthday" and I have every intend of paying for myself. As it turns out, the stress of deciding who to invite and who would come just made me disappointed, nervous, and anxious.
Now, a couple girlfriends want to arrange a girls' day out to mark my birthday. It's a really sweet gesture. They asked if there's anything in particular I'd like to do. Honestly, I can't think of a darn thing. I want them to have fun, and I know I eventually would. [sigh] The thing is the idea of spending my day with all my married girlfriends feels incredibly depressing to me.
As much as I value my close friends, it becomes more painful every year to be the outsider. It's more noticeable because there are no other single gals in my immediate circle of friends and more people are starting families. Naturally, when we get together, they compare notes about couple things whether it be deciding on a paint color or who's husband spends more time talking about politics. I just clam up. What could I possibly contribute to the conversation? It's that or they turn the conversation on me and ask whether I'm dating, why I'm not, or why Tim and I are still just friends. It's exhausting.
If they manage to plan something, I'll go along with it. I just pray that I can be positive and enjoy myself.
Monday, April 02, 2007
You have to have at least one
This is an e-mail conversation the day before we went skiing:
From me to UBCHula:
"The sporting store still has the $44 lift vouchers. I'll pick up 6 at lunch. I forgot to ask if there's a limit."
UBCHula to me:
"Can you let me know how this goes? (Is there a limit?) I live right by there so I can pick up the other 6 after work."
Me to UBCHula with a cc to TJ:
"They have plenty. I took six. Since they are just vouchers, you don't need to pay anything. We'll pay when we arrive at the resort. She wants sure about any limit, though I probably wouldn't ask for more than eight."
Reply from TJ:
"If they're just vouchers, there's no risk in getting a bunch for everyone,
eh?
UBCHula, if they'll let you get 18 more then we'll cover everyone for both
days. Let me know how many you're able to grab and I'll send an email to people
so they don't go pick up more...
Thx!"
Excuse me, EIGHTEEN! Yes, they're free but don't you think the people at the store would find that request rather ridiculous? I wrote back saying so much in a polite way and *suggested* that TJ still ask another person to volunteer to stop by the store.
Then I called Tim. I told him the errand that I'd just run and the follow-up e-mail exchange. My tone clearly showed my annoyance and ridicule of TJ's thinking.
Tim's reaction was, "Yeah, sure 18 tickets. No problem. I'll go in, ask for 10 and come back into the store and ask for eight more. Then, my girlfriend will ask to borrow your ski clothing because you're the same size as a friend of hers who could use them for a ski trip you're not invited to."
We laughed. Then Tim whined about having to ride in a car with TJ for four hours. He doesn't relish the idea of having a one-on-one conversation with TJ for that many hours.
It's sad. TJ's been a friend to many of us for some ten years now. We're like family. Unfortunately, over the years, he's also demonstrated a lack of judgement in business and in personal relationships. He tried to make a business out of a pyramid scheme and constantly badgered all of us to subscribe to his services. In the personal arena, he's misled and used a number of women over the years. None of us would ever willingly introduce him to any of our single girlfriends, and he never understood why. Yet, we maintain a friendship with him because he's the reason so many of us are friends today.
These days, I only tend to hear from him if we're having a get together or when he needs something. He never just calls to say "hello." The last time I spoke to him on the phone, he made it sound like he was inviting me to hang out with him and his girlfriend for the evening. The real goal was to find someone from whom they could borrow large stockpots so she could cook. It's fine if you want to come borrow something, but don't disguise it as being friendly and have me drive to you.
I'm sure the world has many people like TJ. It's just that he's the only one in any of my immediate circles. You want to be his friend because of everything you've been through and done together. Yet, you keep a certain arms length from him because you don't trust him motives.
And UBCHula did go to the store and ask for 18 tickets. The sales person asked if he was a member, he said "yes," and he was handed 18 tickets. Everyone was a little surprised that he got what he asked for, but then it's been a bad year for snow around here.
From me to UBCHula:
"The sporting store still has the $44 lift vouchers. I'll pick up 6 at lunch. I forgot to ask if there's a limit."
UBCHula to me:
"Can you let me know how this goes? (Is there a limit?) I live right by there so I can pick up the other 6 after work."
Me to UBCHula with a cc to TJ:
"They have plenty. I took six. Since they are just vouchers, you don't need to pay anything. We'll pay when we arrive at the resort. She wants sure about any limit, though I probably wouldn't ask for more than eight."
Reply from TJ:
"If they're just vouchers, there's no risk in getting a bunch for everyone,
eh?
UBCHula, if they'll let you get 18 more then we'll cover everyone for both
days. Let me know how many you're able to grab and I'll send an email to people
so they don't go pick up more...
Thx!"
Excuse me, EIGHTEEN! Yes, they're free but don't you think the people at the store would find that request rather ridiculous? I wrote back saying so much in a polite way and *suggested* that TJ still ask another person to volunteer to stop by the store.
Then I called Tim. I told him the errand that I'd just run and the follow-up e-mail exchange. My tone clearly showed my annoyance and ridicule of TJ's thinking.
Tim's reaction was, "Yeah, sure 18 tickets. No problem. I'll go in, ask for 10 and come back into the store and ask for eight more. Then, my girlfriend will ask to borrow your ski clothing because you're the same size as a friend of hers who could use them for a ski trip you're not invited to."
We laughed. Then Tim whined about having to ride in a car with TJ for four hours. He doesn't relish the idea of having a one-on-one conversation with TJ for that many hours.
It's sad. TJ's been a friend to many of us for some ten years now. We're like family. Unfortunately, over the years, he's also demonstrated a lack of judgement in business and in personal relationships. He tried to make a business out of a pyramid scheme and constantly badgered all of us to subscribe to his services. In the personal arena, he's misled and used a number of women over the years. None of us would ever willingly introduce him to any of our single girlfriends, and he never understood why. Yet, we maintain a friendship with him because he's the reason so many of us are friends today.
These days, I only tend to hear from him if we're having a get together or when he needs something. He never just calls to say "hello." The last time I spoke to him on the phone, he made it sound like he was inviting me to hang out with him and his girlfriend for the evening. The real goal was to find someone from whom they could borrow large stockpots so she could cook. It's fine if you want to come borrow something, but don't disguise it as being friendly and have me drive to you.
I'm sure the world has many people like TJ. It's just that he's the only one in any of my immediate circles. You want to be his friend because of everything you've been through and done together. Yet, you keep a certain arms length from him because you don't trust him motives.
And UBCHula did go to the store and ask for 18 tickets. The sales person asked if he was a member, he said "yes," and he was handed 18 tickets. Everyone was a little surprised that he got what he asked for, but then it's been a bad year for snow around here.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
In the eyes of others
I had dinner with Is and PretendCousin the other night. She was talking about an art project she had for her pole dancing class. It was meant to help the class explore their erotic side. The assignment involved creating a collage of what represented their personality.
She was surprised to see how much pink, furry fabric, and glitter she incorporated into her collage. My immediate reaction was, "and why is that a surprise?"
PretendCousin immediately laughed, looked at me, and said, "that's exactly what I said. The first things that come to mind if I had to make your collage would be pink and Snuffles (stuffed bear toy)."
After sharing more thoughts about her choices, she delved into trying to guess what my might look like if I were to create one. While hers came out girlie but racy, I thought mine would be more old-fashioned feminine. They agreed that I my colors would have been a more burgundy or dark pink colors. I stopped there as I didn't feel like getting into any other detail. I think I might have chosen pretty laces and some floral elements. It was an interesting project I suppose.
Later, someone asked about siblings and birth order. I shared my recollection that oldest are theoretically supposed to pair best with the youngest and vice-versa. Middle children fare better with other non-middle children. Only children are a toss up because they are a mix of oldest and youngest behaviors.
In the course of this conversation, Is shared her thoughts on my personality. She compared me with PretendCousin because we're both first-borns. She said she could definitely tell I was the oldest.
"What tells you that?"
"Well, ..."
"Because I'm type A?"
"No, I wouldn't exactly say that, but you're a take charge kind of person. You think about other people's needs."
The conversation moved on as Is reflected about how PretendCousin isn't so much like that now. They recalled how she was more like that in college and laughed that it's now gone.
Is's comments made me think. I totally agreed with her first observation. I like to be organized and tend to step in if no one else is getting things done. The second part of her comment was quite interesting. I say that for two reasons. One, it never occurred to me to describe myself that way. Second, I was impressed that she would notice and articulate that.
People aren't always good at describing themselves. They may see only what they want to see, emphasize what seems more important to others, or picture themselves as they would like to be. In actuality, it's probably some combination of these perspectives.
It's rare to hear yourself describe from another person's point of view. I had a little taste of that when Hula helped me refine my dating profile. An idea came to mind that it would be fascinating to write five close friends and asked them to describe a couple traits of my personality. I wonder what I could learn about myself by doing that.
She was surprised to see how much pink, furry fabric, and glitter she incorporated into her collage. My immediate reaction was, "and why is that a surprise?"
PretendCousin immediately laughed, looked at me, and said, "that's exactly what I said. The first things that come to mind if I had to make your collage would be pink and Snuffles (stuffed bear toy)."
After sharing more thoughts about her choices, she delved into trying to guess what my might look like if I were to create one. While hers came out girlie but racy, I thought mine would be more old-fashioned feminine. They agreed that I my colors would have been a more burgundy or dark pink colors. I stopped there as I didn't feel like getting into any other detail. I think I might have chosen pretty laces and some floral elements. It was an interesting project I suppose.
Later, someone asked about siblings and birth order. I shared my recollection that oldest are theoretically supposed to pair best with the youngest and vice-versa. Middle children fare better with other non-middle children. Only children are a toss up because they are a mix of oldest and youngest behaviors.
In the course of this conversation, Is shared her thoughts on my personality. She compared me with PretendCousin because we're both first-borns. She said she could definitely tell I was the oldest.
"What tells you that?"
"Well, ..."
"Because I'm type A?"
"No, I wouldn't exactly say that, but you're a take charge kind of person. You think about other people's needs."
The conversation moved on as Is reflected about how PretendCousin isn't so much like that now. They recalled how she was more like that in college and laughed that it's now gone.
Is's comments made me think. I totally agreed with her first observation. I like to be organized and tend to step in if no one else is getting things done. The second part of her comment was quite interesting. I say that for two reasons. One, it never occurred to me to describe myself that way. Second, I was impressed that she would notice and articulate that.
People aren't always good at describing themselves. They may see only what they want to see, emphasize what seems more important to others, or picture themselves as they would like to be. In actuality, it's probably some combination of these perspectives.
It's rare to hear yourself describe from another person's point of view. I had a little taste of that when Hula helped me refine my dating profile. An idea came to mind that it would be fascinating to write five close friends and asked them to describe a couple traits of my personality. I wonder what I could learn about myself by doing that.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Living together before marriage
I've considered writing about this many times but could never quite finish my thoughts. This headline has been sitting as a draft for months. I bring it up now more because Juan wants to discuss this idea with Chi. It's just an idea at this point. I'm guessing it will be several months before it becomes a serious consideration. She's not enthusiastic with the idea for several reasons.
When I was in my twenties, I thought living with a guy seemed like a reasonable progression towards marriage. None of my relationships, however, progressed to a point where this ever became a necessary or desired discussion.
After a few months of dating Ryan, there were hints to the idea. He lived some 30 miles away, so we spent the weekends together. The work commute made it inconvenient for me to stay with him, and he never seemed to like staying at my apartment. For whatever reason, we never discussed it directly. Once, on a Sunday night, I made the comment that I had to head home soon. He quickly said, "oh, you need to go to the bedroom, okay." I said how much I wanted to stay with him, but that I needed to get back. It probably would have been a good time to discuss his feelings, but I missed it.
At the time, I think I felt like I didn't have much choice because he was the one who owned a condo while I was a renter. It would have made sense for me to move to his place, but that would have tripled my commute, and maybe he was hesitant to bring it up knowing that. I also knew that there were only two cities he was willing to live in, the one where he currently resided and the city just north. He occasionally mentioned a desire to "someday" getting a bigger place but never was willing to consider my suggestion that he browse a few open houses to help think through the idea. It seemed like he never liked any of my ideas... but that's a whole other past I won't bother with.
Chi and Juan have been dating some eight months. They both own condos but live some 40 miles apart. She lives fairly close to her work, a very convenient commute. He lives in an popular, urban neighborhood and travels for work. Her place is a 1960s two-bedroom unit while he has a cozy, modern one-bedroom unit. Can you guess what some of their difference are about moving in together?
I mostly just listen as I don't feel it's my place to inject too many opinions. In the early discussions, Juan said he wants her to sell and move into his place. She doesn't think they could live in his small condo as there's barely enough space for his stuff. Ideally, they'd move into hers since it's two bedroom, but he doesn't like her place. She suggested buying a house halfway between their current locations, but he's unwilling to live anywhere else but in his city. The commute wouldn't be ideal, but Chi's considering living most (4-5 days) of the week with him.
Next, they talked about buying a place together to solve the space issue. Chi also likes the idea of establishing a home so they don't have to move later when there's babies to juggle. Juan's idea is that she sell her place (or both sell if necessary), and they use that equity to buy a two-bedroom condo in his area. I was impressed how she immediately pointed out that she felt it was unfair that she contribute her equity for a joint place while he retained his own property. He offered that her name get added to his title. She is also concerned that his area is expensive and that they'd have to move again in a couple of years to afford something bigger. I agreed that it seemed impractical. I told her it seems like he's hanging onto his urban pad perhaps as a way to cling to his single lifestyle a little longer.
Still, she's hesitant. It's not her ideal situation before getting engaged though it sounds like they're both pretty serious about marriage. Why do guys these days all seem to want to live together before committing? Based on the marriages I've seen in the past few years, it seems like it's the only way to get a guy to move forward. Would things have worked out with Ryan if I had lived with him? It makes me feel like I'm going to have to do this if I want a guy to marry me.
In the right relationship, I suppose it shouldn't matter. I should trust and believe that regardless, a man I'm seriously dating will have mutual feelings about getting married before living together. There's part of me that still worries that people don't take it as seriously as if they were married. I'd hate to think that a big fight would occur and the guy would bail at the first sign of difficultly rather than work through it. It's silly, I know, but it's scary. Marriage isn't a guarantee either, but it feels more secure.
I offered Chi one alternative option to consider. If they both want to keep their condos for the time being, why not find a two-bedroom place to rent for a year? That addresses several issues: 1) it allows him to stay in an area he loves while she gives it a try, 2) they don't have to buy property twice in less than three years, 3) they each get to keep their condos for the time being. She thought it might be a good idea.
It's good to hear her talk about her relationship. Of course, I care about her as a friend. I want to make sure she's being treated right and doesn't get hurt. I also use her stories and learnings to teach myself about what I could do to have a better relationship should I be that lucky. There are times I think she gives up too much up for Juan; other times I see that she has better patience than I would to work on habits that Juan needs to change.
When I was in my twenties, I thought living with a guy seemed like a reasonable progression towards marriage. None of my relationships, however, progressed to a point where this ever became a necessary or desired discussion.
After a few months of dating Ryan, there were hints to the idea. He lived some 30 miles away, so we spent the weekends together. The work commute made it inconvenient for me to stay with him, and he never seemed to like staying at my apartment. For whatever reason, we never discussed it directly. Once, on a Sunday night, I made the comment that I had to head home soon. He quickly said, "oh, you need to go to the bedroom, okay." I said how much I wanted to stay with him, but that I needed to get back. It probably would have been a good time to discuss his feelings, but I missed it.
At the time, I think I felt like I didn't have much choice because he was the one who owned a condo while I was a renter. It would have made sense for me to move to his place, but that would have tripled my commute, and maybe he was hesitant to bring it up knowing that. I also knew that there were only two cities he was willing to live in, the one where he currently resided and the city just north. He occasionally mentioned a desire to "someday" getting a bigger place but never was willing to consider my suggestion that he browse a few open houses to help think through the idea. It seemed like he never liked any of my ideas... but that's a whole other past I won't bother with.
Chi and Juan have been dating some eight months. They both own condos but live some 40 miles apart. She lives fairly close to her work, a very convenient commute. He lives in an popular, urban neighborhood and travels for work. Her place is a 1960s two-bedroom unit while he has a cozy, modern one-bedroom unit. Can you guess what some of their difference are about moving in together?
I mostly just listen as I don't feel it's my place to inject too many opinions. In the early discussions, Juan said he wants her to sell and move into his place. She doesn't think they could live in his small condo as there's barely enough space for his stuff. Ideally, they'd move into hers since it's two bedroom, but he doesn't like her place. She suggested buying a house halfway between their current locations, but he's unwilling to live anywhere else but in his city. The commute wouldn't be ideal, but Chi's considering living most (4-5 days) of the week with him.
Next, they talked about buying a place together to solve the space issue. Chi also likes the idea of establishing a home so they don't have to move later when there's babies to juggle. Juan's idea is that she sell her place (or both sell if necessary), and they use that equity to buy a two-bedroom condo in his area. I was impressed how she immediately pointed out that she felt it was unfair that she contribute her equity for a joint place while he retained his own property. He offered that her name get added to his title. She is also concerned that his area is expensive and that they'd have to move again in a couple of years to afford something bigger. I agreed that it seemed impractical. I told her it seems like he's hanging onto his urban pad perhaps as a way to cling to his single lifestyle a little longer.
Still, she's hesitant. It's not her ideal situation before getting engaged though it sounds like they're both pretty serious about marriage. Why do guys these days all seem to want to live together before committing? Based on the marriages I've seen in the past few years, it seems like it's the only way to get a guy to move forward. Would things have worked out with Ryan if I had lived with him? It makes me feel like I'm going to have to do this if I want a guy to marry me.
In the right relationship, I suppose it shouldn't matter. I should trust and believe that regardless, a man I'm seriously dating will have mutual feelings about getting married before living together. There's part of me that still worries that people don't take it as seriously as if they were married. I'd hate to think that a big fight would occur and the guy would bail at the first sign of difficultly rather than work through it. It's silly, I know, but it's scary. Marriage isn't a guarantee either, but it feels more secure.
I offered Chi one alternative option to consider. If they both want to keep their condos for the time being, why not find a two-bedroom place to rent for a year? That addresses several issues: 1) it allows him to stay in an area he loves while she gives it a try, 2) they don't have to buy property twice in less than three years, 3) they each get to keep their condos for the time being. She thought it might be a good idea.
It's good to hear her talk about her relationship. Of course, I care about her as a friend. I want to make sure she's being treated right and doesn't get hurt. I also use her stories and learnings to teach myself about what I could do to have a better relationship should I be that lucky. There are times I think she gives up too much up for Juan; other times I see that she has better patience than I would to work on habits that Juan needs to change.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Hormones are hell
I looked on the calendar to see that I'll probably need to keep an eye out for the monthly monster. As I drove home from a brunch for my friend's birthday, it occurred to me that my underlying unhappiness was probably due to hormonal changes.
Over the past few years, I've noticed in hindsight that my most negative thoughts, my most irrational behavior, my non-life-threatening thoughts of leaving this world all tend to surface in the days before I start my period. Sometimes I realize it as it is happening, but most times it's something I recognize in hindsight.
The night before the brunch, I had a strong urge to call Tim to ask him to let everyone know that I would not attend the brunch. There was no particular person I wanted to avoid, no competing activity, no lack of interest in the food. There was simply this overwhelming sense of dread and unhappiness at the thought of sitting around dozens of couples.
My discomfort was verified by the site of TJ and his girlfriend entering the restaurant 100ft. ahead of me. He, of all people bugs me, because of his history of questionable relationships with women. I know this from personal experience and first-hand conversation from those involved. It irks me that someone whom I perceived to be an ass could be so lucky to turn around, find someone who he's totally happy with, and have it last this long. I guess I think about Karma and wonder why the f*k he deserves this happiness while I struggle with dating.
My internal thoughts can be very extreme when I'm hormonal. Of course, I'll always put on a smile and play happy and nice with everyone. It is nice to see people. Now that everyone is married and coupled, it's rarer that we all get together. Underneath my smiles and laughs, I wanted to disappear or distract myself with physical pain to forget the isolation I was experiencing.
It's times like these when I think crazy thoughts like selling off all my belongings and driving off. My mind expanded upon that idea this time and developed the story of me parking at a hiking trail and just getting myself lost. Another moment, I consider turning off my phone and not responding to any e-mails for a month. I want to see how I would feel if I were truly alone. Sometimes it seems like it'd be easier to avoid everyone because they remind so much of how alone I am. As much as I love my friends, it's days like these the peace of mind from not seeing them is greater than the fun and connection I gain from spending time with them. This not something I'd ever explain to them or expect them to understand.
This moment will pass, as have many others. Still, I need to find a better way to work through them.
Over the past few years, I've noticed in hindsight that my most negative thoughts, my most irrational behavior, my non-life-threatening thoughts of leaving this world all tend to surface in the days before I start my period. Sometimes I realize it as it is happening, but most times it's something I recognize in hindsight.
The night before the brunch, I had a strong urge to call Tim to ask him to let everyone know that I would not attend the brunch. There was no particular person I wanted to avoid, no competing activity, no lack of interest in the food. There was simply this overwhelming sense of dread and unhappiness at the thought of sitting around dozens of couples.
My discomfort was verified by the site of TJ and his girlfriend entering the restaurant 100ft. ahead of me. He, of all people bugs me, because of his history of questionable relationships with women. I know this from personal experience and first-hand conversation from those involved. It irks me that someone whom I perceived to be an ass could be so lucky to turn around, find someone who he's totally happy with, and have it last this long. I guess I think about Karma and wonder why the f*k he deserves this happiness while I struggle with dating.
My internal thoughts can be very extreme when I'm hormonal. Of course, I'll always put on a smile and play happy and nice with everyone. It is nice to see people. Now that everyone is married and coupled, it's rarer that we all get together. Underneath my smiles and laughs, I wanted to disappear or distract myself with physical pain to forget the isolation I was experiencing.
It's times like these when I think crazy thoughts like selling off all my belongings and driving off. My mind expanded upon that idea this time and developed the story of me parking at a hiking trail and just getting myself lost. Another moment, I consider turning off my phone and not responding to any e-mails for a month. I want to see how I would feel if I were truly alone. Sometimes it seems like it'd be easier to avoid everyone because they remind so much of how alone I am. As much as I love my friends, it's days like these the peace of mind from not seeing them is greater than the fun and connection I gain from spending time with them. This not something I'd ever explain to them or expect them to understand.
This moment will pass, as have many others. Still, I need to find a better way to work through them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)