Friday, March 31, 2006

Too much information?

Since we have yet to decide where to eat and KT was thinking ramen when we talked last night, I sent him a link to a local blog that described some places in the area.

He wrote back thanking me for the link and offered a new suggestion for dinner tomorrow. Then he wrote something that, well, I found rather gross:

"To be honest, this darn virus is causing me to have some cold sores, and the one on my tongue hurts! (Hence why eating is not really my "thing" right now.) "

Um, yeah, okay I understand he won't be eating much tomorrow... but ewe... was there another way he could have expressed that?

==> Note: see the Saturday date dinner details for the follow up ;)

Guns, tanks, and salsa dancing

We had a gathering of gal pals (plus one SO) to view some photos from a trip to Taiwan and Japan. Since three of us are single and out on the market, we tend to check-in every chance to hear the scoop.

Suna had a second date with the guy she met from speed dating. It was the one guy she was somewhat excited about meeting because they had met awhile back through dancing.

They had the traditional dinner and a movie night. Everything sounds like it went fine except for what she learned about his job. He's a mechanical engineer by training. To put it simply, his job is to put guns on tanks. What else is there to say?

Naturally we were all in awe that that's even a job... but someone has to know how to do that right? The next question is, of course, how does she feel about that? Well, you might guess it didn't sit well with her. I'd say the majority of people in our circles of friends are liberal. We all paused in deep thought about the idea of knowing someone who deals with serious military machinery.

So how do you decide what you can live with? I think most of us have obvious dealbreakers when it comes to relationships. But what do you do with the ones that come out of left field? I guess he could always change jobs - problem solved. What does that say about his character? He said he hates Bush, but he could still be conservative.

It's early, I think she is still open to the idea. She wants to go salsa dancing with him first. ;)

Thursday, March 30, 2006

It's always something

I know I'm not supposed to overthink this. I'm just going to write down some thoughts and wait until Saturday.

So I chatted with KT on the phone tonight. You know, while I find him attractive, I don't think his voice is very appealing. It's not wimpy but it's also not quite manly enough. There's an odd... vibration to it or something. I'm not impressed with his verbal poise. I wonder how differently I would think of certain people if I met them first by phone. I'm always amazed at how easily I can form an opinion about someone from simple things like this.

One of the first things he said is that he might want to cut our evening to just the movie. He's been feeling a little under the weather and has a poor appetite as a result. It would seem he's been seeing too many sickies at work and caught something. Gee, I guess I don't have to worry about him kissing me this weekend. :p

Every time we started talking about what movie to see we somehow went on a tangent. We talked about siblings and how he got along well with his sister growing up. There was one fight at Chinese school that apparently was bad enough the teacher had to separate them.

We talked about dancing and he asked whether or not I've ever taken ballroom. I said that I know Lindy Hop. He seemed to think that was cool. (Thank goodness, he can probably dance a little.) He took some ballroom in college and strangely mentioned how taking dance classes in grad school was perceived as a way to meet women. (What the hell is on his mind? Why does he tell me these things?) KT then shared his inner question about whether it's still true that people use dance lessons for that purpose.

I learned that he did journalism in high school. He also played tennis senior year but calls himself one of the bench warmers. We spent some time talking about the Chang brothers since they actually grew up in my neighborhood. I went to school with them as a kid. I mentioned that I was on yearbook, and he talked about the "rivalry" between the journalism and yearbook students. Is he always looking to find conflict between us?

That morphed into a conversation about college. It was a little odd comparing notes with someone from the farm. I mean we went to rival schools. His descriptions only served to reinforce that they were all spoiled kids. ;) We had much more excitement at EB - riots, hostage crisis, naked people, machete woman. He laughed when I mentioned all that.

There were a number of pauses. I'm not sure why. Like many people, I got a little nervous at these pauses and tried to move the conversation along. I probably should have been more patient to see what he would do.

I noticed it was almost 11pm and took us back to the task at hand. I think we're agreed to watch "Inside Man."

"So how do you want to meet up?" I asked.

"Well, maybe could could grab something to eat beforehand," he reconsidered.

I acknowledge his questionable health and suggested we go for lighter fare since he didn't think he'd eat much. He thought that a good suggestion but couldn't come up with any place to eat. He mumbled something about south Ose and avoiding going there. Damn his poor cell phone reception and mumbling.

"Do you know of any good ramen places?" he asked.

"Just the one in Tain. The other good ones I know are further north which is the wrong direction," I replied.

"Well, maybe I could get off early on Saturday and ...." he said as he thought aloud. The conversation seemed to circle around with no end in sight.

He seemed to feel apologetic when he said, "Ramen is exactly appropriate food for this occasion." (Or something to that effect. I assume he was hinting that it wasn't a nice enough choice for a date.)

I kind of gave him permission to get off the hook this time. Maybe I should have joked that he can make it up to me next time. I reassured him by saying, "I think ramen or maybe some Vietnamese soup would be a good idea since you're feeling sick."

Again he wavered and prepared to sign off by saying we'd keep in touch and he'd be checking e-mail regularly at work. UGH. I offered an alternative idea saying that maybe he could call me a hour or so before he was ready to leave to let me know how he's feeling. He agreed. And then I had to stop him from ending the conversation one last time to ask for a general idea of what time to be ready. He said 7pm.

I wished him to feel better and said goodnight. His goodbye felt awkward to me. I can't really explain why. He seemed unsure what to say or something. Was I moving too quick for him?

So as usual, it was not the perfect conversation. I always feel like I get thrown a curve ball with KT. I'm beginning to doubt there's any magic here. [Sigh] Perhaps that's better as it brings me back to earth and hopefully judge him with a more rational and balanced viewpoint.

My obsessive-compulsive behavior

I was talking with Tim last night. I told him that I have a date on Saturday with KT. He seemed please and teased me about all the worrying and whining that I showed the past week.

We talked about what kinds of questions I have for KT. One of them involves a non-compute with some dates he gave me. When we first met, I swear he told me the range of years he spent at medical school, 1993 to 1998. Well, if he was in the same year as my friend, then he should have graduated in 1997. Something's not adding up here; medical school is a four-year program. Did he do some extra studies or take time off? I want to ask him about it, but Tim says the time has passed to ask.

I mentioned that I know the 1998 to be correct because I looked up his state medical license. Tim went off on me about being a stalker. He added that I am very obsessive and have a bad habit of "glomming on to things."

It's true, I have an odd tendency to focus too much on things and then can't let go. When I broke up with Ryan, I obsessed over him for months. I kept him on my instant messenger for months just so I could see him log in. I constantly wondered who he was talking to. At the time, we had both also just signed up on Friendster. I checked every day to see if he had logged in. I wondered if he was looking at my profile because he missed me or whether he was already browsing through all the singles girls looking for someone to date. That's how I figured out who he was dating. I looked her up too - I managed to figure out where she worked. (I lucked out because she had a very uniquely spelled first name and medically-related occupation.) It was so bad, I must admit I tried checking his answering machine once. It's kind of easy when you figure he used his birthdate as his code. Duh!

You have to understand that I've always been a bit of a detective and have a pretty good memory. I tend to recognize the license plates of most of my friends. If I go somewhere once, I don't need directions on the second visit. I was giving my parents directions at the age of 9.

When I was a kid, I figured out how to break into my house on three different occasions because I forgot my key. (The things you must do as a latch-key kid. Boy, was that a wake up call for me parents about locking up the house better.) In junior high, I figured out the locker combinations for over 50 lockers. I kept a log of every little thing I learned about a guy I had a crush on - birthday, address, parents and siblings names. (Ah, this is where it started... I should tell my therapist.) I suppose it was my way of feeling like I had a connection to them. In high school, I used to drive by this one guy's house every so often because I really liked him. That all stopped one night when he was sitting on the curb talking with a neighbor when I happened to drive by. Talk about dying of embarrassment!

Consciously, I know I shouldn't do it. But the temptation sometimes is just too much, especially when I need to procrastinate. I think it's also somewhat of a challenge, a game to me. I've dug up information on KT - I know his parents' names and ages. I know where he lives (got lucky). At least I know that everything he's told me has been true. (I checked on one guy once and saw that he fudged his age.)

The Internet is scary in that sense. I've also seen how much information there is on me. Those bastards have listed every city that I've lived in since college. There's no where to hide if you have a credit card or own property. At least I can say I've never done anything harmful or illegal with the information I acquire. That's not the point (at least for me). There probably is some sense of control and satisfaction involved. This is kind of like a drug addiction, eh?

Imagine what a freak KT would think I was if he knew? (And I'm sure that thought is running through your head as you read this.) He'd be running for the hills in a second. Hopefully someday I can tell him and he will laugh. For now, I'm just going to do my best to learn about him the old-fashioned way, by talking with him.

A married man's advice

I mentioned to my male co-worker that I have a date this weekend. He's been married for many years, is in his mid-30s, and has three boys.

He said, "Ask yourself, can I live with the flaws?"

If you accept the fact that no one is perfect, then this is the way to approach the date. I am in complete agreement with him (though sometimes it's hard to remember this when your heart and head get tangled up). I am certainly not perfect nor will I ever be, so why should I expect any man I date to be.

And that reminds me of another lovely saying I've heard when it comes to dating - "The odds are good, but the goods are odd." ;)

Is there a "nice" way to say "no?"

I had my last beginning Chinese class last night. Since it's an evening class at a community college, it's an ecclectic mix of people ranging between 15 and 50 years of age. There are a couple distinct types of people who choose to take the class:

- men with girlfriends/wives who are Chinese
- people who know a little Chinese but want to improve and/or learn to read and write (like me)
- language fanatics who just want to learn to speak to anyone and everyone
- teenagers who are taking this for their language requirement
- Cantonese speakers who want to learn to read/write and but can't find a native language class
- people who need to learn some basic Mandarin for work

Over the 15 weeks together (twice a week for 2+ hours), the class has grown familiar with each other. Our instructor even tried briefly to get us to change seats each class so we could meet new people. I could probably recognize 75% of the class if I were to run into them on the street. The first day I got there, I have to admit I was hoping maybe there'd be a cute guy or two I could get to know, but it didn't really materialize.

On our last day, we had to wait a bit as everyone took their turn privately reciting some Chinese text to our instructor. During the down time, I recall looking around and thinking there were maybe a couple people, that if they were to ask me out, I'd consider going even though I didn't really know them. In particular there was this one Vietnamese guy. I've never talked to him, but I think he just has a particular look and build that I am attracted to. He strangely enough did come up to a group of us during the break, but we were busy practicing for our oral presentation so he walked away. Oh well, I figured it was all wishful thinking.

At the end of the night, one guy caught up with me as I walked to my car. For the midterm, I was paired with this fellow, Pat, to provide an oral presentation. Basically we spent 20 minutes creating a skit lasting about 10 lines each. Otherwise I don't know this guy, and he sits on the other side of the room.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered why he had caught up with me to chat. He asked if I was planning to take the next class for the spring. I told him probably not since I'm going on vacation and would miss several classes. About 500 feet from my car, the question I half expected (but hadn't prepared for) revealed itself. He knew this was his last chance and asked, "hey, I was wondering if you'd like to have coffee sometime?"

With an embarrassed smile I responded without much hesitation, "No thanks... (and quickly added) thanks for asking."

I couldn't look at him. I know he said something like "okay" and "goodbye." I felt awful as I approached my car and unlocked the door. I sat in the driver's seat as I caught a glimpse of his silhouette getting into a car. I should feel flattered I suppose. What could I do? I wondered if I could have handled that any better.

(Tim suggested I could have fibbed a little and mentioned a boyfriend or something to let him down easier.)

I commend guys who have the guts to approach a woman (excluding the creeps who asks out any female with a pulse who comes near them). I don't want to do anything that would cause him to lose confidence in trying again with someone else. I wasn't attracted to him; I'm not going to lead him on. Would it have been better or worse to meet him for coffee knowing that he has virtually no hope of winning me over? This is one time when I don't envy guys.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Asian Men debate

I saw this some time ago but never linked to it. The Angry Asian Men website is weird. Actually what I found more interesting was the stream of comments that ensued. (Had to throw this up after reading Doris Night's rant. :) )

I personally liked the post by "questioner" at July 15th at 10:42am. Even I haven't finished reading this long thread.

Four years ago

It's been four years since I met my last long-term boyfriend. We met because Is wanted to browse and encouraged me to register. We thought it'd be entertaining to compare notes and see if we got e-mails from the same men. It was more for fun that having any intention to date. In fact, I had just told myself that I needed to just enjoy being me for awhile.

Of the dozens of e-mails I received, I answered one. Ryan had taken the time to thoughtfully respond to what I had written in my profile. The time and effort he put into his response deserved a reply compared to the lame one-liners that I had from others. I mean, come on, "Hey Princess you sound cute. Write me back." Do you think that line appeals to women? I don't have a picture posted so don't waste my time with things you don't mean.

Ryan, as it turned out, was an attorney, so it made a lot of sense to see how methodically and systematically he addressed interests I had mentioned in my description. We really hit it off. It was a great fairy tale meeting. We had exchanged pictures on a Thursday and agreed to talk on the phone for the first time the next Sunday. On Friday, I went swing dancing with a friend. He bumped into a female friend of his, and wouldn't you know it, the person she was with was Ryan. Small world... .

And for a year I thought we were happy. But when I didn't feel like the relationship was progressing, I talked to him. And in the course of a month, the relationship fell apart. He couldn't see marrying me. I couldn't eat; I could barely function. I felt deceived. I was heart broken. I dropped twenty pounds in less than two months. (And when you weigh less than 130 pounds, it's pretty dramatic.) I'm amazed I didn't get fired at work. To add insult to injury, two months after we stopped talking to each other, I saw him happily flirting with a woman who is now his wife. I have never experienced such darkness in my life. It still brings chills to my heart to think about how depressed I was. I pray I never go through that again.

As I started to come out of the darkness the following summer, I met Tim through a friend. He's such a laid-back and happy fellow. Our dating lasted only four months, but we continued to be friends. There have been times when the line got fuzzy, but here we are. I have to say I owe him a lot. He gave me faith in unconditional love and affection. I didn't think I could be whole again. Being best friends with him has taught me a lot about myself and how to communicate.

Healing is a slow, quiet process. I can't say there's a date I could officially claim myself 100% Ryan-free. I know that sometime last summer I reached the other side of tunnel. There's no way to know if something greater will come from a few dates with KT, but I do like to think that I'm finally emotionally healthy enough to accept the challenge. :)

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Amazing timing... and a happy beginning?

I should be studying for my language exam tomorrow, but I had to write with some happy news. All my drama has been just that.

My old boss and I were talking in the parking lot tonight. She gave me the same advice as my therapist that since I have nothing to lose to give KT a call and ask him out to a movie for Saturday. (She also reminded me that "it was okay when [I was] 22 with a tiara on [my] head to wait for a guy to make a move, but now [I ]need to try a little harder.") It was on my mind all day. So when I got home I drafted an e-mail to send to him Wednesday.

"Hi KT,

I thought write and ask how you're doing. What kind of trouble did you get yourself into over the weekend? ;) I took my mom out for dinner on Friday, and we strolled through the R Shopping Center on Saturday. It was nice to have her visit for a bit.

I will be officially done with class tonight. [Exhale] I hope I'm ready for this test. I thought we could catch up tonight and wanted to know when would be a good time to call tonight."

Well, there's no need to send it now. Just as my 10pm show started, the phone rang. I left my friends to go into another room and answered. Wow, it was KT. We chatted a little about our weekends. He was confused as to whether I had been gone and I clarified that I was entertaining my mom. It was a short talk because he knew I needed to get back to my friends.

Basically, he suggested that we could go have dinner and see a movie on Saturday night. We're both curious about "V for Vendetta." I suggested that we both look into what other movies might be coming out this weekend and talk again on Thursday. I wanted to make sure that I said I'd call so that we don't just exchange a dozen e-mails the next couple days. It's so funny that we both had the same idea (but I'm glad he beat me to it ;) ).

Wheee!!! I feel so silly to be so relieved and happy about this. After all the ranting and overthinking... . Thank goodness I went to the gym tonight because it really helped clear my mind and stop worrying.

Funny note: This was his "Daily Love Horoscope for March 28, 2006"

Overcome a romantic stumbling block with the help of a flexible -- but proactive! -- attitude. Look for a creative solution, and don't overlook the possibility of a fix that's much easier than you might expect.

Too quick to judge?

I was looking over some e-mails exchanges that I had with the last batch of guys I met two years ago when I briefly made an effort to date. I can't help look at some of the e-mails and wonder if I was too quick to judge. Did I miss out on some nice guys because my expectations were too high?

Case 1:
I recall this one guy, V-man, who I met for coffee after a couple weeks of e-mailing. What I remember is getting annoyed that his follow up e-mail after the date was that we was busy for the next several weeks and would get back to me in June. (The date was in late April.) I was just so insulted that he would put me off for over a month and couldn't find a single time to see me? I don't remember exactly, but I gave him another vague e-mail saying that I would be busy too.

Now I pull up the old e-mail and it doesn't seem so lame. (explanation points seem to be affecting me rather positively today.) Rather it sounds like he had a nice time and honestly couldn't do much because of travel commitments. So was I unreasonable?

"Hi P,

How are you? I just got back from my tournament in Las Vegas. We didn't do so well, mostly because we had too much fun at night! :)

Anyways, I just wanted to say that I'm glad I got the chance to meet you last week! It's great to place a face with the name behind an email. I'll be traveling all over the place for most of May, but once things calm down, I'll send you another email and maybe we can make some plans to meet up! Take care and have a good week!


Case 2:
Over the course of a week, Gof (yes it's the same guy) e-mailed each other before agreeing to have dinner together on a Friday. At the end of the date we expressed that we both had a nice time and wanted to meet up again. I guess I might have mentioned that I would be busy the following week moving from my apartment to my new place.

So not quite two weeks since the first date, he mailed me:

"Hi P,

How are you doing? Just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing with your new place. Did it feel strange to sleep there the first night? I imagine you have tons of stuff to unpack, organize, and sort through. I just finally moved into my master bedroom last week, after finishing the painting and having the blinds installed.


I probably wrote him a couple days later, confused about not hearing from him for so long:

"I'm guessing you've been rather busy. I thought that we had a nice time at dinner and that you were interested in hanging out again. Since I really haven't heard from you lately, I thought I'd ask if that's still the case. If not, I understand, I'd just appreciate knowing that."

Wow, so I was pretty forward but polite about my confusion. And then the following week, he replied to me again talking about house stuff and:

"Yeah, it's been hectic lately, but I suppose that's the way it goes sometimes. This week is pretty busy for me, but maybe we can catch up next week?"

From there, I'm not sure what happened, but clearly we never met up. I swear I wrote him saying I was available and then never heard from him. So then it was the day before the 4th of July weekend (and a month since our dinner date) when he wrote again.

"I'm in a 3 day UC extension class this week, and it's going well. The class is a project mgmt communication class that I'm taking as part of the project mgmt certificate program. The only tough part is that I still have to catch up on all my emails and work after I get home.
Let's see, for this weekend ... my parents are coming out to see my house for the first time and hang out. I'm looking forward to the 3 day break!

Have a great 4th of july weekend!"

Nothing... about... a date. Does this sound familiar? And he is the nicest guy. But at the time, I was also trying to see three other guys. I liked Gof, but I honestly got fed up with his lack of communication. So I never wrote him back. And he never wrote me. Three or four weeks later, a friend of mine who works in the same department as Gof said that he had commented that I hadn't replied to him and I guess didn't understand why. Come on, you don't *have* to wait for me to write back. It's not always a tennis match where you have to wait for the ball to come back to your side of the court. ARGHHHH.

I didn't respond because I didn't want to set a precendent that I would always have to organize the date. I wanted him to take the lead. Is that too much to ask?

So the question now is... am I in a similar situation with KT? Is he clueless or does he know what he's doing? I am having a hard time because I am honestly considering sending him an e-mail tomorrow saying that I will call him in the evening. At least I know I need to do this live, not by e-mail. But what do I say? Will it really make me feel better or is this just my desperate self clinging to something that's not there?

P.S. And what to do about Gof... I haven't heard from him. Is there any reason to throw out an e-mail and see if there's still anything there? He would have joined me and my friends for a movie this weekend, but he had to cancel because his parents came to visit.

My bad attitude?

(If you're in a bad mood today, don't read this.)

Over lunch today, my co-worker was mentioning how excited she is about having a reservation to go to Santa Barbara with her husband for her birthday. I suppose maybe I was a bit of a bad sport in "ruining" the mood by saying that I still haven't decided whether or not to do anything for mine.

My birthday is some two weeks away and I'm ambivalent about it. Last year, I skipped it completely by escaping to NYC for a fun weekend with my best friend. We saw "Spamalot" and "The Late Show," ate lunch at Jean George, had dessert at Serendipity 3, and went to the Met and the MOMA. Only a few close friends called or sent me cards to mark the occasion. Surprisingly, none of my local friends remembered or asked. It's what I wanted, but still it was weird. I'd have to say my favorites among my last decade of birthdays would be last year's and back on 2002 when we went sailing and played board games and poker until 5am. I doubt I'll say anything to people about it this year either.

I wavered between not saying a word and making a reservation at a favorite restaurant. I joked with my lunch group about how it's time to start going backwards or freezing one's age as many of my friends have started doing. Then a couple people took the optimistic viewpoint and said how they always make sure to celebrate every birthday. I know that's the "better" attitude to have. In my mind as they talked about the specialness of the day, all I could think was, "easy for you to say because [Ort] you're getting married and [Nia] you just had a baby." Of course it's easy for them to celebrate, they've got their families. Let's see if they'd say the same being single and 35. This isn't where I thought I'd be at 35, but I'm doing a damn good job. I didn't rain on their parade by saying anything rude or spiteful. I simply said that I can enjoy life any day and celebrate. I don't think you should have to wait for a special day.

I'll probably take the day off. A girlfriend of mine suggested I go downtown and shop. She said she'd join me since that's her "work from home" day. It's just another day to me. I've felt 35 since before Xmas. The only reason I don't want to go to work is because I don't want to have to pretend to be happy around my co-workers. Frankly, I'll probably just sleep in, get comfy on my couch, and watch some fun movies or read. There's nothing I need or want that I can buy at the store. In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, what I want is the intangible. I need companionship, love and self-esteem. Only I can make these things happen.

Just slap a big "L" on my forehead

I know I've said that I'm giving up on KT. After all the last time I heard from him was a non-chalant e-mail last Tuesday morning. But I guess I'm a sorry, lame-ass loser.

And so it's been a week. Today would also be the typical time Mr. Every-Other-Thursday would e-mail me to ask me out for Thursday. Naturally, every time I've looked at my personal e-mail today, I wonder if there'll be anything from him. Gosh, why do I torture myself like this?

When I was on the phone with my cousin on Sunday, I played around with my imitation Magic 8-Ball. Every question I asked was consistently answered by the ball with a resounding "Don't bet on it" or other negative response whenever I asked a hopeful question about KT.

And here's some interesting information -

50% Positive (e.g. "Yes - Definitely")
25% Negative (e.g. "My Sources Say No")
25% Vague (e.g. "Better Not Tell You Now")

It's silly, yes, but when it's so consistent (even when you give it a negative question) you have to wonder if fate is trying to tell you something (like get a clue dunce, he's not into you).

A good run on the treadmill tonight should help me sleep through anything that comes up.

Monday, March 27, 2006

When you meet a non-ideal man

On the drive to the movies last night, we were asking Sh about her "blind" date on Thursday. She said that it went almost too well. The fellow was so happy the date went "great" that he asked if she was available this weekend. Honestly, she already had plans and declined.

When we got to the truth of the matter, the problem is that he is white. She just doesn't feel attraction towards him. They have a lot in common - he's an engineer, he travels, they're both geeky, etc. He's not ugly just average. And then Sh said something that I could totally agree with, that he'd have to be cuter for her to consider him.

I've often thought about dating outside of Asian. I consider myself an open-minded person, and yet, I find my preferences are very specific when it comes to men. That's why as much as I enjoy Tim's company, I can't date him. And then, when I have a lame experience with Asian men, I think that I should expand my search and consider other ethnicities.

What comes out of that thinking process is complicated. I always imagine it in terms of writing a description for an Internet dating site. My primary focus would be Asians, and I would put in a couple sentences explaining my strong preference but leave the door open to others (such as white guys) with a qualification that they must be better looking than average in addition to meeting all the other preferences listed in my profile. Does that seem unreasonable? I could imagine getting several pissed off men saying that I was being a bi#@h or something. What am I supposed to do? That's how I feel. I think it's good that I can honestly say what I am looking for. I question people list no preferences or "any" in their Internet dating profiles. I want someone who had a solid idea of who they believe will be compatible with them. I want to know he has an opinion.

Friends of a friend of a friend...

(and other round about ways to meet people)

The other night my girlfriend, Chi, was joking about what invisible sign she must have on her head that tells other people to set her up. It would seem like each time she goes to a friend's party someone inevitably suggests and invites her to another party where she can meet a specific, single guy. I can understand her feelings of annoyance. For the next one, she wants me to come with her. At this age, (though hesitant) I'm game because I figure I have nothing to lose. We just have to make sure to set up some signals to bail each other out if things get weird.

I may return the "favor" and ask her to come with me if and when the opportunity presents itself. A colleague of mine came up with the idea of me making friends with a colleague of hers. He's married but she seemed to think he could help me out. That was a couple of weeks ago, so I wasn't sure if she was serious about following through. Then today, I received this e-mail:

"I talked to my friend Dac about you. He has some apparently quite eligible Chinese-American friends. How should we proceed? I told him simply to put you on the invite list next time he has a party, and he says he's not having one anytime soon! Let's talk about this. I told him you were somewhat shy and I didn't want this to be a weird thing, but there must be some social event coming up soon where you could meet his friends."

So maybe I should explain all the reasons this is weird which may not be obvious. Friends many times removed is awkward enough because you don't know what they're like and what they're friends are like. I'm kind of geeky, what if they're all "bananas" who drink and play golf? Secondly, my colleague lives on the East Coast. It's not like she can accompany me and help make the transition to introduce me to these folks. (Yes, I know I'm a big girl and should be able to take care of myself.) It's just scary to go to a place or event where you know absolutely no one. And lastly, how are they going to introduce me to people when they know nothing about me? This is where all my lack of socialization as a child really pains me. (Lately the news has been talking about this newly discovered condition among children called 'selective mutism'... well that's going to be me.)

I know my colleague, Lips, only means well. On business trips I've shared my frustrations and disappointments over dating and relationships. All my co-workers think well of me and want to see me happy. It's difficult for me because virtually all my co-worker are either older and married or around my age and just getting/gotten married. It's sad at times to feel "alone" when we're out dining. Lip herself didn't meet her husband until she was 35. She's had a good life. She's incredibly sharp and has a quirky side to her personality that you can see in her choice of accessories. She understands where I'm at right now and wants to help.

So, I wrote her back and said we should chat by phone about this. It can't hurt... I suppose that's my mantra these days. I'm sure Dac and his wife are good people.

When it comes to dating, it's hard to accept "help" sometimes because it feel like pity. As an independent and self-sufficient person, it's annoying to feel helpless.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Finally some blunt perspective

I had dinner last night with two married couples. They're great folks and fortunately I don't have to worry about feeling too much like a third wheel. I know I've tortured the subject to death with my single friends, but it was nice to hear a different perspective and a more male viewpoint on my recent dating turmoil. Hopefully for them, it's an entertaining change of pace from married life.

Maybe I appreciate their point of view because it's what I want/need to hear, but I hope it's more because I appreciate their frankness. The abbreviated story they heard was that I have seen this guy three times - once every other Thursday. We discussed how he waits until the last minute or drags out the set up process for the next meeting. It was pretty unanimous that he is dating several women and that I am lower on his list.

This is a new thing for me, or at least it's never been this painfully noticeable. Perhaps if I had a more active list of potential dates, I wouldn't have noticed. I guess I've just always felt like I was number one or two with people I've dated. And I'm not spoiled, conceited or anything, believe me, I know I'm decent looking but I know I'd lose to many of my friends in a looks contest. I've just been fortunate to date people who weren't players. Perhaps that's given me a false sense of security.

I need to think less and keep it simple (like a guy). The couples' recommendation was not to totally drop him (except one male vote), just to play along with whatever comes up. I'll try that. I think also I'm going to try to not talk about it too much. I think that only conjures up more unnecessary emotion. It's fun to talk about guys so it's kind of sad to have to do this, but Mr. Every-Other-Thursday will now be put on the backburner.

I'm hoping Gof will e-mail me. (Yes, I know, I could e-mail him... but I'm old-fashioned and a little chicken.) He's a nice guy and I wouldn't mind spending a little time with him.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

A mellower visit from Mom

As much as I love my mother, there's a reason I live several hundred miles away. We've always disagreed about how to live life. She wants me to uphold to several "traditional" expectations of behavior, while I, of course, have a melting pot of behaviors based on the influence of family, friends, and society in general.

Growing up, she always had the highest of expectations (not that I realized this back then). Growing up, I learned to be very hard on myself despite times when clearly I was lazy. It is also who I am today. It's been a long road (with many miles to go) to be aware of and to work towards letting go of the criticisms and disappointments. I had been preparing myself all week for a barrage of complaints, critiques, and aspirational advice from her. I went so much as to take a day off and make a half-assed attempt to tidy up my place so as to minimize the amount of cleaning and frustration she might voice upon seeing my "messy" space.

I picked her up from her meeting and we drove to the city to have dinner at an up and coming restaurant. My cousin joined us there. We had a pretty good time. My cousin talked our ears off. She's very different from me. I think I tend not to say much unless prompter. On the other hand, I think she enjoys telling stories. I couldn't help sit back at one point and just let them talk. It made me wonder if I seem boring to guys and whether they prefer girls like my cousin because then they don't have to work at the conversation.

Originally, we had told my mom that we wanted to treat her to dinner. When the bill came I swear I thought my mother was going to crawl over the table to take it from my hands. She was very upset that we were not allowing her to pay. It almost became embarrassing as the people sitting around us started to notice our little commotion. In the end, my cousin and I got our way and split the bill. My mother later commented that if I had paid for the whole bill that it would have been more acceptable but that she was upset I "made" Iris pay half the bill. Arghhh.

The drive home was fairly quiet. My mother had so far not been too nosy about our dating lives. Half way home, she did ask whether Is has a steady boyfriend. I told her no and assured her that we've both been trying. At dinner, I had mentioned that I went on a date with a guy last Thursday. I was surprised that she hadn't asked about it more - it seems so atypical.

In the car, I did elaborate further, saying that we dinner and the next day I wrote him a "thank you" e-mail with a suggestion to go hiking sometime. She seemed satisfied with my behavior. I summized his response saying that he thanked me for joining him for dinner but poo-pooed the hiking idea due to the rain. I added that what was frustrating to me was that he did not turn around and suggest an alternative for going out. She gave me a sound of agreement.

There was a pause and then she commented, "maybe you were talking a little too loud."

I immediately jumped on that and responded, "I don't think it's always my problem."

Her typically, non-logical response was, "I wasn't saying that it was." Uh, okay, but it sounded pretty clear to me. I went into this whole explanation of how we're all trying. In one case we'll meet someone we like who doesn't like us, and another time they'll like us more than we like them. We just have to keep trying until we find someone who likes us as much as we like them.

At another point, Mom asked about Is' cousin Ci. I told her how she moved into a place with her current boyfriend. My mother sighed with disappointment about how Ci doesn't really follow more traditional behavior (this is the 2nd/3rd guy she's lived with). I expressed that I was mostly in agreement that I don't approve of her moving in with her boyfriend (though for somewhat different reasons as I know a little more about Ci). It was almost surreal, but I took the opportunity to throw out some scenarios for my own curiosity's sake. I asked her how she would feel if I lived with someone but were only engaged. She said she wouldn't be happy with it but she figures we girls are at a mature enough age she has to let us be.

Then I went into this whole thing about children. She actually said, "do you think your brother and Dr would give you a baby of theirs?" WHOA, now there's an old fashion idea. Was she kidding? I know that was a practice back in the old days, but I can't see that happening in modern times. I didn't respond directly to that question but talked about the idea of adopting or having a child of my own. Neither sat well with her. She hates the idea of adoption because I "might get a child with bad genes" meaning deceitful, lying, dumb, crooked, etc. We both agreed that taking on the role of single parent would be a very difficult responsibility. I suppose it's nice to know that in some indirect way I would have her support (though grudgingly) if whatever may happen to me the next few years.

Ten minutes from home and I really put it out there. I said, "I didn't plan this. It's not like I wanted to be single at 35. At least I can say that I can take care of myself if I end up alone. I don't have to worry that my life will be ruined or I will be poor because I didn't get married."

Surprisingly she was very understanding. Mom even commented how my aunt had done fine all these years without being married. Still, she just can't understand why two smart and nice girls like me and Is can't find someone to marry. Well, I wonder too... .

Why am I such a...

I hate feeling like this. I don't understand why I always get so caught up in men. The minute I think I like someone, my whole world turns on its head. And then, when the moment is over, I fall apart. It's a beautiful spring day today and all I can think are miserable thoughts. How is it that I get so psyched over lame men?

Whenever I think I've found the ideal guy, someone who not only I can like but who I think my parents (i.e. mother) can love - it seems to end in disappointment. I'm always better off having them as friends. Where's the disconnect? Are they attracted to me because of my outgoing, independent nature (hoping it will compensate for their insecurities)? Do they realize I'm not feminine enough? I AM SO CONFUSED.

Before January, I was a happy, well-adjusted (seemingly), independent woman with a good job and great friends. I was content to spend my evenings taking personal enrichment classes such as Chinese brush painting and watching tv/movies with friends. I didn't worry about looking like a homebody on Friday nights because I enjoy the downtime. I let myself not think about men, dating, and relationships because I knew unhappy it made me.

Now, I remember how crazy trying to date is and why I've shyed away from it for more than a year. It's not fun at this age. It's puts doubt in my mind about my worth - and it shouldn't. Job interviews are no big deal to me, if they don't like me - I walk away and say "next." With relationships, however, how can you not take it personally. No matter how much I rationally tell myself that the person I met isn't compatible and that this is not who I want to be with, there's something about rejection that eats away at me.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Where only Asians can find humor

I was talking to my co-worker about the NCAA basketball games coming up tonight. Will is a single, Chinese-American guy who's around 40 years old. He's just moved back to the Bay Area after living in the Northwest for a number of years. While he's open to dating all types, he's dated primarily Caucasian women in recent times. I'm not attracted to him and I would never date a co-worker, so it's all pretty casual conversation.

Anyhow, he was asking me if I was planning to watch the games tonight. (I'm one of the few women at work who the men will talk college sports with - because I actually know and care.) I shrugged my shoulders and told him, "probably not since my mom is in town. When do the games start?"

"7:20pm," he said.

I thought about it and realized, "well, we'll be at dinner but you know I might actually make it home for the end of it. But then, I probably shouldn't watch the game with my mom around."

He seemed curious by that remark though somehow I think he knew why, but he still asked. I explained, "My mom thinks I get a little too excited watching sports and that my behaviour is somewhat inappropriate."

He started to laugh and commented on the choice of words in my explanation. I continued by expanding upon how my voice is rather loud and could be perceived as unattractive. I provided her theory on why maybe men don't want to date me. I said it with a bit of a sarcastic tone though, sadly, it's the truth of her thinking. Will just laughed, understanding that that's how Asian mother's think but also indirectly assuring me of how absurd that reasoning was.

Just another those things Asian-American women like me must weather from our mothers... .

Girl chat

I had dinner with a girlfriend of mine. I thought religion would be my biggest problem when I met KT (and thought we would date). It turns out it became her issue. I admire her ability to have such an open conversation with her guy since they've only been dating two months. But I grant you they both know it's an important point to discuss early.

I described to her what's been happening with KT. Several people have reminded me about the book, "He Just Not That Into You." I know it's probably the case here, and maybe I'm hopeless in thinking he'll come around and realize what a great person I am for him. (Geez, I wish I could get myself to believe that more often.)

The one point I took away from the evening was this, when at all possible avoid e-mail and USE THE PHONE. E-mail is an evil invention that allows people to avoid human contact. Don't let guys do this, get them to pick up the phone and call. (And I need to work on not be lazying myself.)

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Removing all traces

I cleaned out all of KT's e-mail to me this morning. I tucked them in a folder so that they are no longer in clear view. It just irked me whenever I saw his name in my inbox list. I got obsessive about rereading his writings hoping to discover some inkling that would tell me what the hell is going on in that jumbled (or barren) brain of his.

I have a problem letting go sometimes. For months after I broke up with Ryan, I still had him on my YM list. It was my way of knowing where he has, feeling like I still had a link to him. It's amazing how much better I focused on work once hit "delete." Of course, I admittedly still have all his phone numbers programmed into my cell phone. I haven't call the dork in two years and don't foresee ever calling unless alcohol magically ends up becoming an enabler for me rather than a indirect sleep aid and heat source (Asian drinking curse). Why can't I delete those numbers? Does it give me some feeling of power?

Excuses for KT...

- he just wants to be friends
- he wants someone Catholic
- I'm too independent for him
- he's planning the perfect date (eh, yeah right, and my name is Elmer Fudd and I own a mansion and a yacht)
- he's still not sure he's interested
- he's shy (yeah, I think we've proved that theory wrong)
- he wants to go slow because he got burned the last time
- he doesn't feel professionally/personally secure yet to be serious (i.e. he needs to move out of his parents house so that he can get down with a woman)
- he still wants to "play" (doesn't sound like the case)
- he wants to make friends through me
- he's really busy
- Mama's boy
- he's dating several other women
- he's scared/intimidated of/by me
- he's a selfish bastard who thinks he can get whatever he wants (too harsh of me?)
- I'm too old for him :(( (just put me out of my misery now)

Oh this is getting fun... but I'd better get back to work.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Bizarro advice

So unlike all of my female friends, my therapist had a totally different suggestion for me. I told her everyone advised me to either wait for him to make a move or to just drop him completely. While she credits me for being more patient and giving him this long, she still thinks that I should continue to see what happens.

I quickly pointed out to her that she is the only one who thinks I should continue to be in contact with KT. She agrees there is something odd about the fact that he wouldn't take the opportunity to ask me out again these past few days. When I mentioned that my co-worker's impression of his recent e-mails is that he's treating me like a buddy, she had to stop and agree. She also acknowledges that his inability or unwillingness to see me on the weekend is rather suspicious. I have a feeling she had other suspicions about him that never even occurred to me (e.g. he's living with a woman).

Her idea? She thinks that I should choose a nice restaurant, call him, and invite him to dinner date on a Friday or Saturday night. She sees it as an opportunity to reciprocate and pay for his dinner. This would also be an chance for me to make my perspective on the situation clearer to him. If he excuses himself from dinner, his reasons would hopefully give me a better indication of what his thinking is.

Naturally I was very skeptical of the idea. I'm just frustrated. I even joked with her that at this point I'm almost thinking to make this into an experiment and say something completely bizarre. If that's my attitude at this point, then she felt it all the better I try this approach since it would appear I have nothing to lose.

I don't know what to do at this point. I don't really feel like doing anything (other than give him a good kick in the head). Fortunately, I suppose I don't have enough feelings for him to need to cry. But I'm infatuated enough to be desperately disappointed and hurt. Sure, I could be jumping to conclusions and maybe he'll come around... but things need to change.

Speculation and mourning

I was chatting with my female co-workers at lunch today. They're so good about telling me that I will find the right man someday. It's hard to hear that and believe it given all the disappoint I've dealt with in dating. I may come off as a tough and confident cookie, but in reality my shell is very thin and cracks easily. That's why it's so much more appealing to me to stay safely wrapped up in my friends and at home.

I know it's impossible to determine what a person is thinking. Interaction, theory, experience can imply a lot, however, there are too many other variables for which one cannot account. We discussed my disappointing situation with KT. I summarized my recent exchange of e-mails with him since Friday. Rb's immediate reaction was that he's treating me like a buddy. I can see that. Why else would he bring Larry along to dinner. Why else would have talk about wanting to meet new people. Why else would I be biweekly "Thursday girl." Neither of them are too keen on the way he's been acting. Da joked that she wants to go to his house and follow him around to figure out what his real story is. [I promised myself years ago that I'm not allowed to pull those kinds of stunts anymore. ;)]

So I told them that I am going into my "mourning" period. I need to stop getting my hopes up and just treat him like an acquaintance. It would have been lovely but it's just not looking in the cards. I've said this before and I've let it go the minute I saw some remote sign of hope from KT. Do guys realize this is a cruel way to treat a woman? Try pulling this on a 25-year-old and leave me out of it. The emotional rollercoaster it causes me is making my stomach churn in an ugly way. I almost think morning sickness would be more tolerable (but then I can't actually say I've been through that). I seriously think I should just blow all etiquette and gently confront him if I ever come face to face with him. It's all about my sanity... I don't feel like I have many more options.

Single versus married viewpoint

I'm basing my opinions on a handful of friends, but I just find it interesting that I feel like there's a difference of opinion. When this whole thing about KT first began, I feel like my married friends were much more patient about his behavior. In contrast, most of my single girlfriends were ready to write him off. (Now, seven weeks later, I think we're all ready to write him off.)

Why do suppose there's a difference between these groups? Am I just imagining things? I wonder if being single and somewhat jaded has made us single girls more suspicious, less willing to compromise. Perhaps the married women are more tolerant, more patient because they have to deal with this on a daily basis?

I hate feeling like I do. I've become more anxious, superstitious, and whiny during this time. I don't understand why I have to turn into such a drama queen when I like a guy. If it's not meant to be, I know there's no reason to be upset about it. People come and go, not everyone is going to like everyone. I guess it's the loss of the *potential* that is so disappointing. His indecisiveness and vacillating level of engagement seems like such a lame reason for this to fade. I'm the type of person who would prefer be able to say it didn't work out because we're not compatible rather than because there was a gap in communication.

Whatever... I'm not e-mailing him back this time. He needs to drive this next get together.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

In a more rationale hour...

Okay, I'm considerably more calm now. I guess it just wasn't a good way to start the day to read that e-mail. I'm still disappointed that he's made no effort to ask me out. He actually responded fairly quickly this morning explaining that he got his days mixed up and that he did all that stuff on Sunday. That's fine. But still nothing about getting together. Do you think he might actually call? (Naw, that'd be to logical. Besides, I'm busy the next three evenings. If he had called last night perhaps we could have met up tonight. His loss. Loser.)

Maybe if he's nice, I'll invite him to join me and my friends for a movie... of course that puts both him and I in an awkward position. I mean we're going to be embarrassed by my friends in some respect. Not intentionally, just that they may give him the third degree, and certainly I'll get asked questions later. I should have known that Ig would say something about me bringing a strange guy to watch basketball. (You'd never think guys would "gossip.") Of course, deep inside I like the attention. It's more that I fear the expectation that something is developing when this thing could fizzle at any moment.

Still feeling suspicious

I should be taking care of stuff right now, but I had to write this because part of me is angry and part of me is very frustrated.

So as usual, KT and I are trading friendly e-mails with no indication of when he wants to meet up again. I wrote him a brief reply yesterday morning just commenting on my fun weekend, expressing concern for his illness on Friday, and writing about my disappointment over the basketball game. He replied late last night (I wish he would have just called):

"Hi P, How was snowboarding on Saturday? Sunday was a beautiful day down here in the Bay area. I managed to play some tennis with Larry on Saturday morning, then did my usual open house tour in the afternoon. The vertigo has all cleared was really strange how it happened so spontaneously, then left. I guess that's the nature of the condition. Don't worry...I don't think it had anything to do with the rain or dinner on Thursday night. In any case, it was a nice day off of work. Apparently, we're still in our rainy season now. I've hiked some trails these past few months and the trails are still quite muddy. Hiking will probably be more doable as conditions become drier. I like the rain for now, but I'm on the lookout for better weather. KT"

Can you guess what maddening thoughts came barreling through my mind when I read this?!!!

- Why can't you suggest a time to get together?

- What the hell? You told me at dinner that you had to work Saturday. What's this about playing tennis and going house hunting? Were my ears totally on backwards that night?

- You've gone hiking... and haven't invited me even though that was your original line when you got my info. Okay, so you're putting off hiking until there's better weather, that's fine. But suggest something else for us to do!!!!! I feel like you're just putting me off completely. LAME.


This is why it's just easier to be single. Does he know what he's doing?

But... I was nice. No passive-aggressive tone (I hope). [But why can't I just ask him "What do you want from me?????] So I wrote a neutralish reply this morning. I described my snowboarding trip just as he inquired. Then I wrote:

"I thought you said you were working on Saturday. Sounds like you didn't have to go into the office after all? See any good houses? My friends lost out on a place they wanted in Mat. We guessed they would have had to bid a good 6%+ above asking to have a chance at it. I guess the market hasn't cooled that much."

--> Late note: Now that I've thought about it for a couple hours, I could have played this off in a lighter manner. Maybe somethine more like, "Played hooky from work again? ;)"

I wrapped up by mentioning that I took today off to clean the house before my mother visits on Friday night. I had wanted to invite him to see a movie with me and my friends this weekend, but I held back. I'm ANNOYED (gee, I haven't made that obvious have I?) and I just don't feel like making the effort if he's going to act like such a loser. Two years ago I would have long given up on someone like this. I'm kicking myself for right now for allowing him so much error margin.

Okay, so this is all good. Frustration is a great attitude to have as I go attack all the dirt and grime in my bathroom.

[It's just a guy... I'm really annoyed... but it's not worth the energy. Let it go... think about Gof... think about how much sh** you'll get from Mom if you don't get this place cleaned up.]

Monday, March 20, 2006

Learning patience

I know I said I'm not religious, but sometimes I can't help wonder if I'm being sent a message when things happen. The two guys I thought I had a chance of seeing in the next week have both delayed themselves. My initial reaction is that God (or fate) is trying to teach me patience. (And don't we all need a lesson in patience given the expectation of instant gratification by American society.)

Wa has travel that will keep him away until the 5th. Hopefully I'll have my taxes done before he returns. Gof was planning to join me and some friends for a movie this weekend. At the last minute, he wrote today saying he can't make it because his parents will be in town. (And just wanted to note, over the weekend I noticed that he found my profile on Friendster.) Darn, no free food and attention for me.

It would seem that the most frequently I'm allowed to meet men is biweekly. :p [OR, so says the little hopeful part of me, this is to keep the road clear for KT. Egads I'm getting silly now... I've got to stop peeking at his picture on the Internet!]

Missed opportunities

Okay, so taking the dinner date as a case study (because I'm all about analyzing things to death... and I'm such a clueless person when it comes to dating :p) here are some moments where I'm wondering if I could have, should have done something:

1) When I arrive at the restaurant, KT's hands were full - one holding his jacket, the other holding a menu. Otherwise, should I have tried to greet him with a hug or something?

2) Sitting down at the table, what's the rule on where the girl and guy sit relative to the view and the aisle? (Never thought this was an issue until now.)

3) To offer or not to offer to help pay? (I don't think I expect to get a majority vote on this one, just acknowledging the confusion. I'll offer to pay for something on the third date - if there is one.)

4) When he gave me his jacket shell for the walk to the car, was I supposed to offer that we share it going to the car? Does he think I was inconsiderate not offering? You know, we could have huddled together underneath it and shuffled to the car. It would have been a chance to rub shoulder or maybe give him a chance to put an arm around me. (Damn! Why am I so clueless!?!?!? This is why I keep saying I need a class on dating, so that I can identify these little "techniques" while I'm actually ON the date.)

5) When we arrived at his car, how do you end a date when you're both sitting IN a car? (Now reliving the first time when I was the one exiting the car... too many nerves... brain malfunctions.)

6) If there is a next time, should I greet him with a hug? How will I know if it's appropriate? What if he just stands there and doesn't reciprocate holding his arm out to hug me? Yeeck... .

Ah, the mass confusion that occurs because we're mixing American culture with years of non-physical, unspoken emotional expression we learned from our Asian parents. It's not that I don't like to be touched... believe me I like hugs. I just don't know how to read whether the other person will be accepting of it. And I certainly don't want to send the opposite signal which would be - I'm touching you because I am desperate to have you like me.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Speed dater

Hey, I did get an e-mail from my new speed dating guy. Wa is the guy who immediately said I seem familiar. He wrote to say that if I was "interested to get together again" to let him know and we could work out the details. Perhaps I've gone to enough of these now to get over the huge apprehension and discomfort of these types of meetings. Maybe we'll even figure out why we seem familiar to each other. Personally, my theory is that we happen to look like other people we've met but that there's no actual connection. Now that I've have time to think about it, he kind of reminds me of two people I knew back in grad school.

So, I'll e-mail him later and say that I'd be up for meeting. Look at it this way... free coffee or dinner. ;)

On the other front, it's too bad KT couldn't take me up on the hike idea sooner. Today's looking so warm and sunny. As usual I've had plenty of time to over analyze and fantasize about where this is headed. He's like a nice but insecure puppy right now. There's this secret wound he's nursing that intrigues me. And from his perspective, what has he learned about me? I suppose he asked a lot of questions at that first dinner (with Larry the security blanket), and this time I did much of the asking.

My feelings are all over the place when it comes to KT. I am attracted to him; I am intrigued by him; I want to be with him. Yet, I won't let myself totally enjoy the moment because I don't understand his intentions; I still question who else he might be seeing; and frankly, because of my past breakups, I doubt anything that makes me happy can last. I'm probably more afraid of myself than I am of him. (After two years in therapy, maybe I should ask for a refund.)

What's most bewildering for me is how much I imagine having a future with KT. It's one thing to dream about the next date, the first kiss, or being boyfriend/girlfriend. So then why is it that I've jumped beyond all that, and think about hearing him refer to me as his wife or talking about getting married. I barely know the guy!!!?? Have I simply forgotten that I've fantasized like this with other guys? Is it because I'm of critical child-bearing age? What makes this feel so different?

Saturday, March 18, 2006

"Thank you" e-mails

Since KT gave no indication of a future get together, I gave in an sent a brief e-mail. As I've said before, I don't want to have to over think everything I do or play (too many) games. Life should just be what it is.

Before I left work for the day, I sent this:

"Hi K, Thanks for dinner. It was fun catching up with you last night. I hope we can do this again soon. Maybe we could do a hike sometime. I'm slipping out of work early today so I can catch part of the basketball game. I hope it's a good one. Have a good weekend, P"

Just before I headed out for the night, I found he had sent this:

"Hi P, Thanks for joining me for dinner last night. I'd like to meet up again soon. I actually stayed home from work today. I woke up very dizzy. The room was spinning. By about 10:30, the spinning had stopped. By then, it was too late to go to work. . . . I watched the game...up to the point they started losing. Oh well...they made a game of it at least. In any case, there's always next year. K"

Initially, I was happy. He's implying that he wants to see me again. It made the evening more satisfying to think that good things can happen to me while I am being myself. I can't tell you how many times I've felt like I unintentionally misrepresented myself or behaved how I thought others wanted me to rather than what felt normal.

But wait... "meet up" is another one of those vague terms. I think he's being very careful in choosing his words. Then again, you can see I was very vague with mine [but I'm just using his words ;)]. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE JUST SAY IT!!!??? How old are we? Why does this have to be so difficult? Does he have an official account for dating and want to keep this off the books?

And what does "soon" mean in KT's dictionary? Based on his previous behavior I'm thinking soon means less than two weeks. ;) Think he can do better? And if I don't hear from him, I'll just blame that silly junior college he attended. (Serves me right for going on a date with the enemy. :-O)

Friday, March 17, 2006

My friend's speed dating results

When asked if Sh got her matches, her reply was:

"I heard from both of the speed-dating guys. One guy sent a one-linee-mail that basically said, "It was nice talking to you, want to get coffee sometime?" The other one was really dorky - "wow, it was so great to get an e-mail from xxxbell@! I'll bet many other guys were hoping they'd get an e-mail from xxxbell@" (etc, etc, with various happy emoticons inserted). Am I really supposed to take that seriously??"

LOL... . The guy must have really liked her? She is a very sweet, interesting, and enthusiastic person.

Yes, it was a date

(I'm really into detail for my own sake, so this may be a long read... )

So, I think I can finally say I've had a date with KT. I say that because he paid for dinner. But being the skeptic person I am, I'm still not sure what's going on. ;)

This is probably the least amount of time I've ever spent preparing for a date. I rushed home after yoga and had five minutes to change into something decent (a white faux-wrap knit shirt, pink velvet jacket, and mini-corduroy khakis) and slap on a little eye shadow before hopping back into the car. I prayed my hair would look tousled but cute. Thank goodness it's just stretch yoga with no sweat involved. Getting ready for a date should always be this simple... yeah, right.

I got there maybe 5 minutes late. KT had just sat down in the waiting area and started browsing the menu when I came through the door. The host wanted to seat us at a table near the door. The pause KT took said to me that he wasn't happy with the location. He then looked at me for a reaction (I twitched my nose and raised my eyebrows to made an "eh" face) and asked the guy to find a table further back.

As we approached the table, the inevitable decision was whether to take the seat near the aisle or the one against the window. My mind didn't know whether to take the view out or be able to see the other people in the restaurant. Since KT stopped near the aisle chair, I thought he had staked his preference. But as I walked around him, I wondered if he was waiting for me to stop so he could pull the chair out for me. Too late to second guess, so I sat in the window chair.

With KT still standing, he gestured to the chair next to him and asked which chair I wanted. I said I was fine where I was. Did I miss something??? Someone please fill me in? Is the chair facing in better so that they guy can wave down the waiter or is it because the girl is supposed to have the "view" or did he think maybe I'd be cold sitting near the window?

Except for a few awkward pauses towards the end of the night, we had a good time. The conversation went all over the place as we veered from topic to topic. It was good to learn more about him and share some things.


- He originally thought he wanted to go into bioengineering
- While he's always been Catholic, he didn't take it seriously until grad school
- He still egged me about the rivalry - arghhh [I should have given him a harder time]
- He always wears a tie at work to make himself seem older. [oh the Asian curse of looking much younger than your age] He loosened it as soon as we sat down at the table.

- I revealed being self-conscious about my freckles. He said he didn't even notice them. [How sweet.]
- While talking about how ridiculously puritan Americans are, I mentioned how European tv (specifically Spain) shows late night tv that is basically pornographic. **What was I thinking... I can't believe I used that word during a date**

- We reminisced about childhood things, like playing inside the round clothing racks at the store

He mentioned some other things... I definitely don't think he's shy.

Since I can't remember the chronology of the night, here's my random list of topics we covered:
- He finally looked up the company where I work. [Now wouldn't the average person naturally do this immediately after you meet someone you're interested in not six weeks later? I know I checked him out however I could.]
- Where he did his residency
- How he came to have two specialties
- Why the other school?
- What he thought he wanted to do when he was young
- Parents' personalities
- Extended families
- Where I went to grad school
- Weekend activities
- Dean Cain and Terri Hatcher
- 80s dancing and things that show our age
- Funny commercials
- The amount of travel I do for work

When the check came, we continued to chat. He very smoothly opened the billfold, took a credit card from his wallet, and place it in the billfold. So the question is, at some point, should I have made the gesture of offering to give him some money? This is a question for so many people - to offer or not? [I can't even get agreement among my girlfriends... though I guess the right people to ask would be my guy friends. Anyone?] Well, I didn't do anything. I just continued our conversation while he signed the credit card receipt.

Towards the end of the dinner, it started pouring rain outside. Neither of us had an umbrella. I think I accidentally made him think I wanted to go home. I thought he had looked at his watch and so I asked him what time it was. We had been there not quite two hours. Honestly, I thought it was later than it turned out to be because the restaurant was rather empty, and... I wanted to go home to pee. Perhaps he got the wrong impression I didn't want to be there. But with the rain, we continued to talk, waiting for the rain to die down. He expressed his concern about me going to my car since I had no coat. I lessened the overall concern by saying that it's just rain. Eventually, KT came up with an idea. He offered to give me his jacket shell and I'd give him a ride to his car. So he removed the fleece lining from his jacket [I should have offered to help expedite the process?] which he wore and I draped the shell over my head. Very thoughtful of him.

I dropped him off at his car. I thanked him for dinner and he said something that I can't remember. I am sure I didn't hear anything like "talk to you" or "see you soon." So where does that leave this? Too bad it was raining. I wonder if... how different it would have been if he could have walked me to my car.

All in all, I'm glad we met up. I'd like to continue getting to know him. I wish he had made some clear sign. He's still flakey in the that sense, so I'm not going to take KT seriously. There's no reason to make him a priority if he's not treating me like one. If he wants to hang out and I'm available, that's fine.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

The best friend, non-boyfriend complication

Tim and I have gotten to know each other very well over the (almost) past two years. Yes, we dated briefly. But even looking back at my writing from then, my feelings were very different from any other dating situation I've been in. The butterflies weren't there.

When we stopped dating, he was devastated. We both cried. It was hard because I had never felt so comfortable with someone from a personality perspective. We had fun together. Something just didn't feel right, I can't explain it. I will simply say that I'm not attracted to him. And when I tried to explain that to friends, I got criticized for my explanations.

Ever since, we've spent an enormous amount of time together. I talk to him almost every day and see him several times a week. For more than a year, people still asked if we were going to get back together. I know there were people who thought I was taking advantage of Tim's feelings for me. I always, always discussed the issue with him to make sure we were clear. I wasn't going to walk away from a good friend because of other people's pressure.

I love him dearly. He's patient, kind, smart, sweet, funny, and never lets anything bother him. There are so many strange little things about me that he is able to appreciate. For example, I'm a nibbler (no not food). I like to nibble on guys that I date. It's a little fetish of mine, but he's let me put my teeth around his arm. He'll even nibble back. It's an affectionate thing, but I know guys in my past have not been so pleased by it. I just feel like to mesh in a way I've never found with someone else.

Believe me, I would be totally happy and married by now if I could feel attraction for him. I still hate his sarcastic humor, but I think I could live with it. I think about it from time to time and try to understand what it is that holds me back. Is it real or is it some self-protection mechanism? Why can't I appreciate what we have? I think many people thought that he would grow on me and that I would change my mind.

So now with the potential dating I've been doing, is he feeling left out? He says, "no." And I think I mostly believe him. But lately, he seems agitated by my insecurities and asking for favors. I just find it hard to believe that in two years, this is the first time he has had to deal with my emotional flares. I can't help wonder if he's feeling jealous and thus reacting more strongly. Being just friends with a guy can be hard when you get really close. This is new for me and I don't want to lose him.

No follow-ups this time

So it's been about 48 hours since the results of the speed dating was posted. I haven't heard from the guy who thought I seemed familiar. Granted I guess you could say he has through the weekend. In the past, I've usually received a personal e-mail from the people who were interested in meeting up for coffee/dinner. That's fine, probably not really my type.

What'd ya know

I was sitting on my couch, eating some rather old leftovers as a late dinner. It just felt good to veg as I don't feel like I've had much time to myself since Saturday morning. I was hoping my pal, Tim, would call and come over to watch tv with me at 10pm.

When the phone rang around quarter 'til, the ring indicated it was a general call. It could have been anyone so imagine my surprise when I saw it was KT. Now there's a miracle. (I know, stop being so mean and cynical.)

We talked for a total of 40 minutes. It's been pretty easy to talk to each other minus a few pauses. I think we both have an easy time rambling and shifting topics quickly (thanks to ADD ;) ). KT said he was sick last week and was involved in a minor traffic accident. I suppose that could explain why he was MIA last week.

I am definitely learning that it's going to take time to get to know him. The way he talks, I feel like he can be rather shy. On the other hand, when he mentions activities he's done, like clubbing in LA or being in a fraternity in college, I find it hard to believe he's not socially okay.

So we'll be meeting for dinner tonight at a Thai place. It's actually a pretty good place as far as I remember. The only thing is that with all the dining out I did over the weekend, my appetite is smaller than normal. He's so thin I'm sure he can eat the difference. ;)

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Must... stop... complaining...

Admittedly, I was thinking that for my dinner with KT that we could go somewhere different, maybe a city down or closer to where he lives since there's many Asian restaurants there.

So he just sent a reply to my inquiry about where to go... and my mind is already racing through lots of negative questions. So much for not setting expectations. I'm trying soooo hard not to [sigh].

"Thursday night dinner sounds good. How far are you willing to go? Snyl? Mpt? San?"

--> So does this mean I'll be driving myself? I want to be picked up.
A: I can't expect him to pick me up - this isn't a date necessarily and that would be a lot of extra distance for him to come from work

--> How far am I willing... is he being lazy?
A: Again, distance. If he's coming from work, he probably wants to make sure he's not late.

--> Well, if he actually took me out on a weekend, I wouln't be complaining about this now would I?
A: [Sigh] You barely know the guy. Then again, I don't have any good explanation on this one. [Suspicions start to creep in.]

--> Am I paying my own?
A: I thought you told yourself that this is just a friendly dinner. Let it go and wait to see what happens.

--> So how am I supposed to dress for this? Are jeans okay or is that too casual? How do I make sure I don't overdress?
A: Uh, well I suppose tennis shoes and a yoga outfit would be totally inappropriate. Damn, I can just see myself piling up a dozen outfits on my bed tonight. And it's supposed to rain tomorrow. Ack!

--> Why can't he just suggest a place? Lame...
A: Look at it the other way and think that he's trying to be considerate of my opinion. Maybe he has some favorites that are a little further away.

Okay, have I calmed myself down? My therapist will have some interesting things to say about working on my skepticism and negative attitude.

Librarian With Style

Librarian With Style

Always searching for other blogs to enrich my perpective of life

Finger drum roll please...

And the results of the speed dating are back! Out of the two new men I met, Mr. "You look familiar" and I matched. I also matched with my acquaintance guy, Gof. I suppose I wasn't surprised not to get the e-mail for the ponytailed writer. He probably thought the same as me that while it would be interesting, it wouldn't work out.

So now the question is, do I need to do anything. Will the guy write? I could go either way on this. After all, five minutes doesn't tell you much. Unless it was an instantaneous and powerful connection, I wouldn't want to meet for more than drinks.

My gal pals who came with me got only one match as well. The pickings just weren't very interesting and we've learned over time there's less reason to check someone who you only want to be friends with. Why waste that person's time or potentially give them the wrong idea. There are those people who check everyone on the list just so they can see who chose them. Grow up! Is that a need to feel wanted or superior because you know you're lame? Or are you just desparate?

Thursday girl

Okay, so I said I didn't expect anything and Murphy's law comes through again. I was stuck at the airport and checked my e-mail using my cell phone. I knew I had to respond to a friend about going skiing.

In mobile format I can only see the first couple words of e-mail titles but not the sender. So when I saw "Dinner?" on the list of new e-mails, the word "no" came out of my mouth with doubt and surprise. I thought, it couldn't be... but it was. Flakey man actually wrote, though I'd have to say it was with minimal effort:

"Hi Pandax,

How was class last night? Just checking in to see if you have time to get together for dinner sometime this week (maybe Thursday?) or next week.


My heart didn't exactly race this time though, admittedly, I was somewhat pleased to hear from him. So I wrote him a quick note mentioning that I was in the process of flying home and that Thursday sounded good. Doesn't hurt to meet up with someone for dinner.

"Get together" is a very vague term. Whether it be consciously or subconsciously, anyone who uses that instead of "have" is avoiding being direct. Either he's still testing the waters or establishing distance. I still think he should pay for dinner since he's the one that asked. Maybe we should go to a Chinese restaurant so I can see if he'll take the time to pour my tea - a sign of good manners.

Monday, March 13, 2006

MIA Meter maids

Ah, so this must be why the city locals were telling me not to worry about feeding the meter on Saturday afternoon...

Illegal parking still has curb appeal - Phillip Matier, Andrew RossMonday, March 13, 2006

Next time you get a parking ticket in San Francisco, here's something to think about -- you're one of the hapless few.

On any given workday, 1 out of 3 vehicles parked in downtown San Francisco is breaking the rules -- it's either camped in front of an expired meter, in a street-cleaning zone or maybe at a curb painted a color that signals a potential infraction.

And the chances that car will get a ticket? Only about 1 in 20, according to a new in-house survey by the city's Department of Parking and Traffic.

Department workers who checked 13 downtown and neighboring commercial districts from Jan. 31 to Feb. 9 found that parking control officers were toughest in the Financial District, with a "capture rate" on parking violators of 14 percent.

Best place to get away with it: Stockton Street in Chinatown, where trucks double-park by the score and regularly overstay their welcome at meters. The capture rate there is a mere 1 percent.

Municipal Transportation Agency spokeswoman Maggie Lynch said the ticket shortfall isn't from lack of trying.

"Unlike some cities, our parking officers have to do a lot of other things as well, like direct traffic,'' Lynch said.

One of the more interesting finds, according to the report, is "use (and likely abuse)'' of placards for the disabled in the city. About 1 in 10 parked cars surveyed had the blue placards, which allow drivers to park free and for as long as they like.

In May 2004, there were 32,866 placards for the disabled registered to San Francisco residents -- an increase of 54 percent since 1995. That same month, 3,674 temporary placards were issued.

The explosion in the blue placards prompted Parking and Traffic staffers to make a couple of interesting -- and no doubt controversial -- suggestions.

They include installing meters in blue zones, but without any time limits on them. Or allowing a "generous" time limit for the placards -- but a time limit all the same.

"Those are just staff suggestions,'' Lynch said. She said she wasn't sure if the city's new transportation director, Nathaniel Ford Sr., had even seen the report yet.

In any case, any change in disabled parking rules would need state approval. You can imagine how many politicians would want to take on that issue.

By the way, according to the Municipal Transportation Agency's 2006 fact sheet, the city issued 2 million parking tickets last year -- for a take of $84.9 million.

The biggest share of tickets, 33.7 percent, went for street-cleaning violations, followed by parking meter violations at 27.5 percent.

As for the meters themselves, they generated just $24 million in revenue last fiscal year -- which once again shows that when it comes to parking, the real money is in the tickets.

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Sunday, March 12, 2006

Speed dating... at least we had a good dinner

The three of us headed up to the city an hour before the start of the speed dating. We ran into a bit of snag about 5 miles away. It must have taken 15 minutes to drive 2 miles. Turns out a traffic signal was out and blinking yellow. ARGHHHh. Strange, I thought yellow meant proceed with caution, not stop at the intersection.

Anyhow, we arrived about 20 minutes late, but as I expected, they hadn't started the dating. People were still mingling (or being wallflowers). On the drive up, we wondered if we'd see anyone we knew. Sure enough, Sh and I recognized Gof immediately. He is a co-worker of a friend of ours. I actually first met him through speed dating more than a year and a half ago. Sh was set up to go to his company Xmas party. Nothing had really happened with either of us. He's a nice and friendly guy that we still see occasionally at parties.

There were almost 80 people there. We were split into four groups, A-D, based on age. Best guess is that A was under 27, B was 27-30, C was 31-33, and D was 34+. Yes, that's me the old crowd. The two young groups got to sit at the booths while us older folks sat at the bar. It was rather awkward with the women seated an barstools while the men had to stand during the conversations.

The bell rang and we were off...

Date #1: Coy shop owner
It was awkward from the start. He wasn't my type and when we talked about his occupation he was not very forthcoming. He implied he ran his own business but when I ask about what he sells he would only say health and beauty products with an embarrassed smile. At one point, he looked at his watch and commented that the 5 minutes seemed to be lasting really long. Real smooth buddy.

Date #2: Mr. Martini
All I remember is the delivery of his watermelon martini because he spilled it on my notes sheet as he tried to drink from it. He toasted the woman from his first date. I guess they had hit it off and he had paid for her drink.

Date #3: Speed date Master
Now here's someone who sounds like a professional speed-dater. The minute he arrive, we shook hands and exchanged names. He immediately went into what he described as his 2-minute biography. As I sat there trying to mentally keep up, he rattled off his life like where he lived, that he was a native of... and that we worked as a data warehouse manager in his own consulting firm. [Phew, take a breath.] Then he said that he didn't expect me to provide him with a 2-minute biography of myself so he would ask a few questions of me. Man, this guy meant business. While I appreciate his efficiency, it just felt unnatural and it made it difficult to assess whether we had any chemistry.

Date #4: "Hi, my name is Gof"
Well yeah, this is the guy I already know. It was a cute and funny way to say "hello." We just took it easy and caught up on what the other person had been doing recently. He spent some time in SDO recently to celebrate his niece's first birthday. I mentioned my recent trip to Vegas. We both agreed that "Mystere" is probably the best of the current Cirque du Soleil shows. I couldn't help wonder if anything would have happened if we had dated more the first time around. Is he my type?

Date #5: Golf, golf, golf
The guy was okay, but I just couldn't get the conversation going. When I asked what else he like to do, he mentioned watching movies and golf. Somehow we spent most of the 5 minutes just talking about how he got more into golf with the success of Tiger Woods. He originally got into it because his colleagues dragged him out to play. Since I didn't feel any interest for the guy, I just kept letting him talk about it.

Date #6: Are you in the right age group?
Poor guy. All through the conversation I could only think about two things - 1) how old are you, and 2) my parking meter is about to expire. He was a bit fobbish and had a decent though child-like face with glasses. I was very distracted knowing my meter was about to expire and debated whether or not I needed to run out and feed the monster a couple more quarters. All I remember is that he lived downtown and had a parking space for his car.

10-minute break. Sh and I ran out to feed the meter. Our quick assessment was that neither of us was finding any gems in the group. Ho hum.

Date #7: Ponytail man
Can't say that look is usually my type. But he seemed cool and different which is always nice. He's a writer and teacher. I asked if he ever travels to research for his fiction writing. He mentioned that recently he made a trip to Germany for a conference. He visited places such as Berlin, but his favorite was a small town in the former East Germany.

Date #8: You seem familiar
As soon as he walked up he had this curious look on his face. He had a narrow face and wore a diagonally striped shirt. He barely had time to introduce himself before he asked if we knew each other from somewhere. I suggested that we met at another speed dating event. But considering I haven't been to one in almost two years, he didn't think it was that. We never figured it out.

Date #9: Gof's roommate
Well, yes this is weird. So competing with friends could potentially be awkward post-speed dating, but competing with a roommate is even weirder. Fortunately, I didn't feel much interest for this guy. He seemed nice, a little shy, but I just wasn't attracted to him. Let's face it, when you have 5 minutes to judge someone, if you can't make a decision based on the conversation, the tie-breaker often comes down to looks. Superficial yes, but give me a better option.

We the three of us compared notes afterwards, none of us felt strongly about anyone. In the past, Sh has been pretty open about getting in contact with a majority of the guys, even just to be friends. But this time, it seemed we just weren't that enthusiastic. Each of us only marked two of the 10 men we had a chance to meet (9 in my case). So I guess tomorrow we'll see if any matches come through. Sadly, I think the only conversation I truly felt at ease about was talking with Gof.

Driving home, one thought did come to mind. Thinking about speed dating and meeting new people helped me forget about KT. I'm still bummed about it, but it's nice to push that into the background. There are plenty of men out there. That's why it's all about searching the haystack for the needle... .

Friday, March 10, 2006

Taking a newbie

So my friend Suna and I were confirmed for speed dating before lunch today. She seems to have a good attitude about it. She was dating someone for 3+ years and they broke up last year when it became clear that he was unlikely to move back to the U.S. I know she was pretty heartbroken about it. Is that worse than breaking up someone who you aren't compatible with?

She's never participated in speed dating before so this is all new to her. We'll have to give her a sense of what to expect and how to deal with people. I hope that this is a decent experience for her - you know, no creeps and maybe a laugh or two (besides meeting a nice guy). We a couple years apart in age so we might not actually talk with the same guys. Too bad because we won't get to compare notes, but then again, this way there's no issue with dating the same guy. Thank goodness that's never happened.

She asked for any tips or things she needed to know about participating in these things. I referred her to some articles that have been written about these events. I told her that I have an alternative e-mail account I use when meeting these guys. (After all you don't need some psycho knowing your name and spamming your favorite account.) I have to remember to tell her how to take quick notes about each guy so she'll remember who they are at the end of the night and if she communicates with them later. I find that noting a couple key words helps a lot. An occupation, a unique topic of conversation, a pet, a vacation, something that will jar your mind into remembering them is VERY helpful. Keeping the notes short is also good because then you don't look rude scribbling while they're talking.

I'm pretty neutral about going. I know I need to get out and meet people. And I think the people I've met there before have been decent. The best frame of mind for me is to go in focusing on improving my social skills and meeting new people - that's all. I don't expect a lot out of these things only because, I've never been on more than three dates with any of these event results. I do, however, know one friend who is getting married to someone that she, another girlfriend, and I all met at a speed dating event almost two years ago. Proof! Such a rare thing.

[Exhale] Here we go again! Wish me luck!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Choice of words

I was having a discussion with a couple girlfriends about meeting guys and this old question came to mind. We all do it. I was even told once by a guy friend of mine that he was careful about how he posed dinner to a female work colleague to make it clear that it was casual. So how do you interpret and answer it?

So if a guy says/writes the following, which ones is it just being friends and which ones is he fishing for a date? Is the answer different if it's e-mail versus phone versus in person?

- Want to grab dinner?

- Just wondering if you'd be interested in meeting for tea/coffee or dinner some time after work?

- Maybe we can catch up some time next week?

- Do you want to get lunch tomorrow?

- Would you be interested in having dinner Thursday?

- How does your schedule look next week?

- Can I take you to dinner sometime?

- Would you be up for meeting up for dinner?

- Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Busy Flakey Man

I did get a response from KT last night. He wrote a rather pleasant e-mail, detailing his weekend of snowboarding. He asked me about business traveling. He also talked about other Pac-10 basketball results. Overall I'd say it was a very nice "conversation" as we've exchanged in the past. At the end, he put the week into perspective for me:

"Anyway, hope all is going well. Work has been pretty busy this week and I work a lot of late shifts. Maybe we can catch up some time next week?"

I understand that happens in his line of work, but I still find it frustrating that he would not take a minute to alert me in advance. I'll play along, besides it turns out I'd rather see my girlfriends this week (birthday). I will write him (and on the advice of my therapist) suggest that he try and schedule a time with me a few days ahead of time. We'll see if I can say this in a tactful way and avoid my passive-aggressive tendencies.

I feel like I've calmed down over this whole thing. While he could be a nice guy, I can't sit around waiting for him. I now think of this more as a friend. We'll get to know each other, and who knows, maybe he has a cute friend he plays tennis with that I can date. ;) I feel like we at least get along well enough there's no reason to maintain contact. Every person is a potential opportunity to at least meet more people.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

When the planets align

Just what I needed to hear...

Daily Overview for March 08, 2006
Provided by

Quickie:Lately you've been reacting to things you cannot control. Let go and accept life.
Overview:Acknowledge someone else's emotional needs, even if you aren't the person to fulfill them right now. Most importantly, don't beat yourself up because you have other, more pressing matters to deal with.

Taking the non-chalant route

So it's Wednesday and I haven't heard a peep from KT. I'm really trying to convince myself to let this go. So my thinking (for today at least) is to experiment a little. Since I'm not intensely dating anyone, I'm going to try and use this as an opportunity to help break some bad mental habits. I'm thinking I need to calm down and just go along with the ride. I'm not going to play games or follow any "rules." I am to live my life and not change my schedule for him. I will try to approach this as getting to know a casual acquaintance. I don't question new girlfriends I meet (unless they do something totally inappropriate) so let's see if I can apply that to meeting men.

I want to get past some of this lame insecurity and analysis that I consistently put myself through when it comes to men. I see this as an experiment in how to train my mind. Yesterday, whenever I started to analyze or daydream about the situation, I forced myself to think of something else. It's very difficult at times because my mind just moves miles a second. But I think this is a good exercise because I need to get beyond this wasteful anxiety over guys.

Now of course, Mr. Flakey needs to cooperate. I sent him a short e-mail today saying that I had been out of town and asked if he had fun in the snow this weekend. Short and simple. It gives him a chance to ignore me or read that I'm still interested in spending time with him.

Got my friend to sign up with me for speed dating. Yipee! It's always better to have some security when going to these things. I hate being a wallflower. Plus, it's fun to compare notes afterward to make sure you didn't hit it off with some psycho. ;)