Sunday, March 19, 2006

Speed dater

Hey, I did get an e-mail from my new speed dating guy. Wa is the guy who immediately said I seem familiar. He wrote to say that if I was "interested to get together again" to let him know and we could work out the details. Perhaps I've gone to enough of these now to get over the huge apprehension and discomfort of these types of meetings. Maybe we'll even figure out why we seem familiar to each other. Personally, my theory is that we happen to look like other people we've met but that there's no actual connection. Now that I've have time to think about it, he kind of reminds me of two people I knew back in grad school.

So, I'll e-mail him later and say that I'd be up for meeting. Look at it this way... free coffee or dinner. ;)

On the other front, it's too bad KT couldn't take me up on the hike idea sooner. Today's looking so warm and sunny. As usual I've had plenty of time to over analyze and fantasize about where this is headed. He's like a nice but insecure puppy right now. There's this secret wound he's nursing that intrigues me. And from his perspective, what has he learned about me? I suppose he asked a lot of questions at that first dinner (with Larry the security blanket), and this time I did much of the asking.

My feelings are all over the place when it comes to KT. I am attracted to him; I am intrigued by him; I want to be with him. Yet, I won't let myself totally enjoy the moment because I don't understand his intentions; I still question who else he might be seeing; and frankly, because of my past breakups, I doubt anything that makes me happy can last. I'm probably more afraid of myself than I am of him. (After two years in therapy, maybe I should ask for a refund.)

What's most bewildering for me is how much I imagine having a future with KT. It's one thing to dream about the next date, the first kiss, or being boyfriend/girlfriend. So then why is it that I've jumped beyond all that, and think about hearing him refer to me as his wife or talking about getting married. I barely know the guy!!!?? Have I simply forgotten that I've fantasized like this with other guys? Is it because I'm of critical child-bearing age? What makes this feel so different?

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