Saturday, March 25, 2006

Why am I such a...

I hate feeling like this. I don't understand why I always get so caught up in men. The minute I think I like someone, my whole world turns on its head. And then, when the moment is over, I fall apart. It's a beautiful spring day today and all I can think are miserable thoughts. How is it that I get so psyched over lame men?

Whenever I think I've found the ideal guy, someone who not only I can like but who I think my parents (i.e. mother) can love - it seems to end in disappointment. I'm always better off having them as friends. Where's the disconnect? Are they attracted to me because of my outgoing, independent nature (hoping it will compensate for their insecurities)? Do they realize I'm not feminine enough? I AM SO CONFUSED.

Before January, I was a happy, well-adjusted (seemingly), independent woman with a good job and great friends. I was content to spend my evenings taking personal enrichment classes such as Chinese brush painting and watching tv/movies with friends. I didn't worry about looking like a homebody on Friday nights because I enjoy the downtime. I let myself not think about men, dating, and relationships because I knew unhappy it made me.

Now, I remember how crazy trying to date is and why I've shyed away from it for more than a year. It's not fun at this age. It's puts doubt in my mind about my worth - and it shouldn't. Job interviews are no big deal to me, if they don't like me - I walk away and say "next." With relationships, however, how can you not take it personally. No matter how much I rationally tell myself that the person I met isn't compatible and that this is not who I want to be with, there's something about rejection that eats away at me.

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