Emerging nuggets

Part of my severance package includes two months of services from a career services firm. I was offered this at my last layoff as well, but never had a chance to try it out. Seeing as how much longer my unemployment could last, I figured I might as well explore what the firm had to offer.

The two months of service include access to their online resources, free workshops, and eight hours of one-on-one career counseling. In the few weeks I've be "active" I've simply met with the counselor. I fully intend to start attending workshops now that other projects have wrapped up.

The first counseling session was a tug-of-war. While I'm sure she is generally knowledgeable and helpful, I didn't feel like she had a good grasp of my industry. For years, I've read resume advice about how each bullet point of a job description should detail how a responsibility translated into metrics, i.e. how did you make or save the company $$$. With a majority of jobs, I can understand this. A sales job is pretty obvious, did this, sold $$$. If you're a computer programmer, created this program, translated into %xx increase in customers or website hits. In manufacturing, an employee could improve a process to complete production faster or negotiate a vendor contract to decrease costs. I digress... the point is that my job, my area of expertise is difficult to measure most of the time. It's more of a consultancy type role where my analysis and conclusions help support other people's decisions and provide direction (when they listen). My work does not lead to a direct outcome in most cases.

She kept pressing me saying there had to be a way to rewrite my resume statements to show how my work translated into tangible results. I pointed out a couple places on my resume where my statements matched her request, but they didn't seem to meet her expectations. I honestly thought about it a bit and could not create a satisfactory outcome. It was frustrating that my explanation of my work could not convince her that my resume holds up well as it is. At one point she even asked if I had been using this resume and how many responses I had received. I told her that prior to this job loss, I had received a call for almost every job I'd applied for. Needless to say she didn't seem to have a response immediately ready after hearing my answer.

I also expressed my feelings that there are times when these formats seem full of crap to me. I'm not the type of person to use a bunch of business jargon to make me sound important. When I've reviewed resumes, I can see the difference between someone who appropriately uses business terms and some one who's simply copied them to make their job appear bigger than it is. Maybe I'm hurting my changes at landing a job, but that's not my style.

To be fair, I asked a couple of colleagues about their resumes. I explained my impression of the resume guidelines. It was a relief to hear they had similar feelings about the stance of career counselors. For most jobs, it's a helpful and certainly can strengthen a candidacy. I just don't like being pushed to do something because it's the *only* way.

In the following visit, we agreed to let my resume remain as is for that particular career track. She probably thinks I'm just being impossibly stubborn, but I know my resume works. Why else would I get two phone interviews. On the other hand, I will acknowledge that I need to have a couple alternate versions of my resume that are less specialized if I want to have a shot at jobs that are less analytical and outside of my current profession.

Real Hours

Having a *real* full-time job is quite an adjustment. For the past year, I have been getting up at 7:30am and getting home by 5pm. Now, it's back to a schedule I haven't had probably in five years. I actually have to get up like everyone else around 6:30am and return home before 6pm if I'm lucky. (I know, little violins playing in the background full of insincere pity.)

It's totally normal and I'll get used to it. Right now, however, it's darn weird.

If it weren't for virtual files, I'd have a pile of reports and articles to read that stands taller than me (and that's not too hard). Everything feels laid back because my new boss knows that my first month is going to be slow. Still, there's this unsaid pressure to get up to speed and contribute to meetings. Yikes, what did I get myself into?

Throughout my life, I've shied away from big challenges because I hate failing or letting others down. I fear I've put myself in that situation. Everyone I've worked with has always had incredible confidence and faith in my abilities. But I've been away from serious work for so long, I don't know if I remember how to do any critical thinking. And honestly, the wedding is quite distracting.

My group is very friendly. I just hope I can make them like me and not say anything blunt and stupid that's going to make them realize how geeky and awkward I really am. :p

Traveling with a bachelor

It's been a week since my vacation. I went with a friend of mine, a guy friend who I've known for more than 10 years. He's a few years older than me and single. Long ago we explored the idea of dating and concluded that we were not compatible. You could say it was like going with a male cousin or something.

We traveled together about three years ago. For the most part we got along, but some minor tensions eventually built up, primarily due to his frustrations with the tour guide and my frustration with his unwillingness to plan ahead. He was tired of not being able to understand the tour guide who was speaking more in Chinese to make the other people in our tiny tour group happy, plus he got a one day stomach thing. I was mad because we tromped around a little town for a several hours, carrying all of our bags, looking for a hotel that was acceptable to him, shadowed by an annoying Chinese woman trying to get credit for whatever hotel we visited. I was annoyed, but I quietly went along with it because I had agreed to it before the trip. Still, I think it was pretty obvious to him that I was less than happy with the situation. We didn't come to blows or raise our voices, but suffice to say we spent a day doing our own things.

This time, I made sure to address any potential sources of conflict before leaving the country. I reminded him of our different travel styles and expressed my desire to have some kind of agreement in place before signing up for the trip with him. I made it clear that he was welcome to wait until we reached town to find a hotel, but that I would be making a reservation for myself. After a week, he came back to me with a story about how he's learned that his style of travel has made others uncomfortable in recent years. He decided to wholeheartedly go with whatever plan I put forth.

When it came to the tour group, I let him assume most responsibilities such as paying tips to the drivers and tour guides, getting keys to our hotel room, basic travel arrangements. I'm always on time, he's always late. There were times it was a little frustrating to be the last ones to board the bus in the morning. He disliked the fact that most of the group was always early or on time. Sometimes, it was also tough to know what to do when we had say 30 minutes to explore before needing to return to the bus. I felt like I had to stay with him (hence why I should have remembered my wristwatch).

The most striking thing for me was learning and thinking about the time we spent in the hotel room together. It made me think about what it must be like and what is required to live with someone else. As two people who have been single for some time, our individual habits and preferences were clear.

Little things:
- finding stubble in the sink (yuck)
- who chooses what television station to watch (I let him watch the basketball)
- finding stuff placed on top of your toothbrush (okay, I should have put it away better)
- staying up when the other person wants to go to sleep

Bigger things:
- a girl who tends to sleep cool, a guy who likes to sleep warm (in different beds), which is reverse of what you would normally guess, causing disagreement over how to set the thermostat
- eating late and fast versus wanting to eat early and leisurely
- 8am is when you need to be at the bus, not the time to leave your hotel room
- not paying a driver's tip because you didn't see anyone else pay him (buy they did)

The other weird thing that came up or probably came to both our minds was the notion of propriety regarding dress. As I said, since I know him, I tended to be less concerned about my choice of clothing in the hotel room. If I was traveling with an acquaintance or friend's husband, I probably would have worn leggings or knee-length shorts. In the company of close friends, I feel like I can wear my short exercise shorts. Sure, the thought briefly passes through my mind, "does he sneak a peek at my ass?" But then, I let it go because guys will be guys and it's not like he's the type of guy that would say something inappropriate about it.

All in all, the trip went well (ignoring the two days he got a stomach virus from the water). I did my best to voice any concerns I had in a polite way. The only time I was frustrated with him is when I would comment about something and received no acknowledgement. Then, an hour later, he would make the same comment or ask a question that I answered in my earlier comment. Why does this happen to me? Okay, in a couple cases, I think his illness made him kind of spacey, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. My friends was good too. He always tried to be a gentleman and made sure to give me access to his dental floss each night since I'd left mine at home.

My friend and I definitely have different styles, different attitudes towards life. It was interesting to spend so much time with one person because it made me think about the compromise and patience necessary to live with someone. Granted, two weeks in hotels is not quite the same, but being in such close quarters 24/7 requires some adjustment. It was a good learning experience for me, a reminder that I can't always have my way (even though I think it's often the best way ;)). Being single, it's easy to get comfortable with doing things a certain way and forgetting to be open-minded.

And yet, I sit here wondering how much compromise is reasonable. What makes for two people who will get along well? What is too much give and take? I hate confrontation, so I worry that I let things go too much in order to keep the peace. I'm probably more guilty of that with men I'm dating versus friends. At least I'm more aware now.

Say when...

I feel that old adage "when it rains, it pours" coming on. As I wrote once before, I'm reaching crossroad with my career. My head is now spinning after getting my 2006 performance review.

It's nothing bad, in fact, it's quite decent. I managed and completed several critical projects last year. I learned some new skills and faced the challenges associated with working with multiple stakeholders. For the most part, the results that came from my work have been used to guide current activities.

This is when my manager went on to say that I have more potential. I could be doing a lot more in terms of my roles and responsibilities. I must agree. Part of me has known since last year that I'm sitting on my hands, just doing what I need to. At times, I don't know how to step up, and other times, I don't really want to.

To add to that push towards taking on a bigger role, my manager revealed something to me, that my counterpart is planning to move over to another group some time this summer. It's something that has not been announced because, at the moment, it could be misinterpreted as a bad sign. It has nothing to do with the department; it's something my counterpart negotiated during the past six months as part of a career development plan. I was simply caught off guard that it would happen this year.

Basically, my manager has framed this change as a huge opportunity for me. He wants me to take on more responsibilities and sit on product teams so that I can be more involved in decision-making. In addition, when my counterpart leaves, I have the choice of recommending whether the new hire is to be under my management or someone who is hired as my equal. I would basically be running my own little department. Kind of scary idea, huh? I have been asked to think about my options and come back with a decision by the end of March.

I know this is a great opportunity. I would put myself in a situation where I would increase my visibility at the company and learn some serious management skills. And yet, I can't tell whether my concerns that this is the wrong road for me are are valid or just an excuse for being coward.

My head is spinning because just before this all happened, I got a call from a recruiter. I get calls often, but this one was different because it was from a recruiter who contracts at a company I've often considered working for. It is tempting to explore the opportunity. The recruiter asked me to send him a copy of resume. Frankly, I don't have a current resume. I haven't put one together in years.

So between the recruiter and the potential work promotion, I'm quite confused. I wasn't planning to take on a new job, but this would be a good opportunity. For over a year now, I think about just quitting. While I enjoy what I do and get paid well, I'm not totally happy. The truth is, I thought I'd be married now and have kids to worry about. I never thought I'd actually have a career to plan.

I've been doing the same work for more than four years now. Knowing my counterpart is leaving soon creates a sense of guilt. Part of me feel like I have to stay now. As much as I appreciate the management opportunity, I'm bored working on this project. I want to learn something new. However, that means that I would have to change jobs and give up the chance at management. It means going sideways instead of up the ladder. I know there's nothing wrong with that. However, the practical side of me says that it's stupid to turn down the promotion offer. (My parents thought I was nuts leaving my good-paying job to go to grad school.) The part of me that wants a life thinks I should just let this one go.

It's hard to make a move when you feel like you don't care. Sure, I care about having money to afford a warm place to sleep, food, the basics. There are just days when nothing makes me happy because I have nothing to look forward to in my life. I know I'm luckier than many people in this world and that I shouldn't complain. I am grateful for all that. It's all fun and indulgence for myself. Still, I'm coming to a point in my life where need something more than just me. I grew up believing my purpose in life was to raise a family and I don't know how to cope with the reality that it may not happen.

Back to the situation at hand... I have no plan. What would I do if I didn't work? How long could I afford to spend unemployed? Would taking time off do anything to help me find a husband? A friend of mine pointed out something important. If I intend to also use this time off to think about my career, I need to have a solid plan. Otherwise, it would be too easy to get lazy and go nowhere. I really need to devote some time to think about what I want.

In a way, I can no longer put this off. I need to tell my manager something in a month. Perhaps this is a good thing. I'm just really scared about what I realizations I may have to face.

Detour and Do Not Not Enter signs

I encountered two stories this past week that were thought provoking. They make me think about how to interact with a significant other. It's true that you have to learn to pick your battles. I still struggle all the time with when to let things go, when to speak up to voice my feelings and wants, and to be more empathetic.

The first story is about when Hula and Drummer first moved in together. They shared one tube of toothpaste. Soon, Hula found one thing annoying about Drummer's habits, he did not squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom and would leave the cap off. Leaving the cap off was the biggest problem because the top layer of paste would be dry and gooey after being exposed to the air between brushings.

But Hula didn't want to nag or complain about this. Instead she devised an experiment. She started leaving the cap off as well to see how Drummer would react. With both people leaving the cap off, the toothpaste became crusty and unusable. Once he finally noticed the problem, it gave her the opportunity to come in and suggest a solution. They now only buy toothpaste that has a snap cap and sits upright so that the toothpaste always settles towards the cap.

Of course, this example left me with many questions:

- What was he doing before they moved in? Wouldn't it have been dry then?

- This is not such a big deal to me. Some might call it avoidance, but I simply would have bought my own toothpaste.

- One of my ex-boyfriends didn't squeeze from the bottom either. I pointed it out but never explicitly asked him to change his ways. When I stayed at his place, I'd simply squeeze all the toothpaste up and move on. He'd watch and laugh, probably thinking I was quirky. It was a little thing that I didn't see as a big deal.

The second story is about a co-worker, Savant. Her husband just came back from a business trip to China. She was showing me this strangely painted golden pig stature that was given to him after he bought a platinum and jade necklace for her at a jewelry store in China. She was curious to know what the story was about the pig.

Savant then told me that the reason she was trying to find meaning in the statue was to restore some satisfaction after not getting the necklace. You see, when he packed for the return flight, he put the little pig statue in his carry-on bag and the necklace in his checked baggage. He was all excited when I arrived home to give her the gift. But when he opened the suitcase, it was gone.

That's when I had a strange look on my face and started, "But doesn't he know..."

"Don't go there, we don't go there," Savant lightly said.

"Yeah, it's just that I thought most know..." I tried to continue.

"Nope, that's not something we bring up. Aren't you excited about my golden pig?" Savant said this as she happily waived it in front of me. That's her upbeat personality for you.

I left it alone. I did express my sadness that she'd never get to see the necklace. She joked about me helping her imagine what it looked like. Anyone would know she was disappointed that her gift was lost. Neither of needed to say how thoughtful and loving his gift was despite the outcome.

She's been married for some 15 years. Whenever she shares stories I always wonder how one figures out these relationship lessons. My immediate reaction to such a situation would have been advise my partner what wrong decision he made rather than show my appreciation at his thoughtful gesture. When he asks her if he has more hair than a guy on tv, she reassures him he looks great. My honesty is good, but I see how it probably is not necessarily what people need to hear all the time. I need to remember to be supportive and not judging in those moments.

The 6 most annoying things kids say

I thought this might be something worth clipping for future reference. Whether or not I have kids, I think these suggestions might help me devise ways of better responding to people in general (and perhaps alert me to bad habits of my own). I can just imagine myself getting impatient and snappy with one of those smart-ass retorts or be whiny and speak an adult version of one of those childish expressions.

The 6 most annoying things kids say -- and the best ways to respond - CNN.com

By Melody Warnick
Parenting.com

Snuggling under her blankets at bedtime, Ella, 3, gazed up at me and announced longingly, "I want a new mommy." Not even four years into my tenure as Mom and I was already being edged out of the job. Even worse, Ella started announcing "I want a new mom" frequently, like whenever I failed to buy her a ring pop at the grocery-store checkout. Some days, it was all I could do not to retort, "Yeah? Well, I want a new kid!"

Developing the knack to verbally push your buttons is just part of your child's linguistic and behavioral development. The challenge is to teach her to be courteous while allowing her to assert herself ? and do it without responding like you're 3 years old. What to say (and what to skip) in response to these gems:

"Mine!"

Whatever 18-month-old Weston Congdon has, his 3-year-old brother, Addison, wants, even if it's something that's collected dust in the toy box for the past six months. "What drives me crazy is that usually it's a baby toy, like a teething ring," says their mom, Sarah, of Ames, Iowa. "I think, 'What are you gonna do with it other than take it away from your brother?'" Now Weston, a beginning talker, walks around the house repeating "Mine, mine, mine" ad nauseam. His frustrated mom has been known to retort, "Well, then, the couch is mine and you can't sit on it."

A better way to respond: As tempting as it is to give little ones a dose of their own medicine, it won't help them see the error of their ways, and it may confuse them. Yet keeping your cool in the face of "Mine!" can tax even the most Zen-minded mom. "Ignoring the behavior is best, but even as a clinical psychologist, I can't," admits Ray Levy, Ph.D., a dad of one and the coauthor of "Try and Make Me!" "I'd rather have something to say in response that I can depend on." His solution: Toss out a "brain-dead phrase" -- a short-and-sweet sound bite that lets a persistent child know he won't get his way. With a child who insists that everything is his, simply keep repeating, "Sorry" or "It's nice to want things." End of story. Even if the empty phrase doesn't completely shut down the whining, having something -- anything -- to say will keep you from saying something that you shouldn't.

"It's not fair."

Attempts to pry her 4-year-old son away from one last episode of his favorite show usually turn into major bedtime battles for Anne Eide of Columbus, Mississippi. "William will say, 'But it's not fair!' Then he'll cross his arms and stomp down the hall, come back again, and repeat, 'Mom, it's not fair.'" That's when Eide sometimes can't help but let loose with "Listen here, Mister, you either turn off the TV now or you won't watch it for a week!"

A better way to respond: On nights when she's a tad more patient, Eide uses a kid-friendly example to explain why he doesn't always get his way. "I say, 'Daddy doesn't want to be in school all the time, but right now he needs to.'" Translation: Even adults don't get everything they want. The approach usually works. "He looks at me kind of like, 'Oookay.' Then he goes and gets ready for bed," says Eide. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, a mom of two and author of "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles," recommends asking your child to start over and try again with less irritating words, such as "Can we please talk about this?" or "Mom, I don't like that rule." Next time he complains that something's not fair, you can say, "Remember, we talked about this before. What words are you supposed to use instead?" Giving your child new ways to express himself makes him more likely to abandon the annoying ones.

"You're not the boss of me."

Eleanor Petersen of St. Louis, Missouri, wants to do everything herself. So when her mom, Amy, was in a rush and buckled the car seat for her, Eleanor, 3, declared, "You're not the boss of me." Petersen had to bite her tongue to keep from answering, "You wanna bet?"

A better way to respond: "As a mom, you have to try not to get caught up in the words and instead connect with the feeling underneath them," says Kurcinka. "You can ask, 'What's going on here? What's the need she's trying to express, and how can I help her do it more appropriately?'" In a calmer moment, Petersen realized that what her daughter really wanted was control. When her mom gave her options (like "Do you want to do the top buckle or the bottom buckle?"), Eleanor was far more likely to cooperate. You can even head off "You're not the boss of me" by teaching your child to say, "I'd like a choice," instead.

"I want it now!" As I was starting to make dinner, my daughter asked for a cookie, and when I said she could have one for dessert, she launched a major whinefest. "But I want a cookie right now!" Ella demanded. None of my attempts at reason dissuaded her. She just kept insisting again and again and again. Desperate for the "I want it now!" noise to stop, I broke down and gave her the cookie.

A better way to respond: Though I usually stand my ground, giving in once can set you back light-years when it comes to nagging, says Paul Coleman, a dad of three and author of "How to Say It to Your Kids." "That's how slot machines work: Every tenth pull you get a reward. It's not a big reward, but it's enough to keep you putting more money in the machine." Instead, he says, I should tell my daughter no once or twice, then ignore future requests and get her mind on something else, like a silly dance or a knock-knock joke. The good news: Such dogged persistence can be a plus in the real world. "You can step back and say, 'When they grow up, at least they're not going to be pushovers,'" says Coleman.

"You never let me do anything."

Carl Mowry, 10, has been known to whine that he never gets to do what he wants. His mom, Carla, has a take-no-prisoners response: "You know what?" says the Omaha, Nebraska, mom. "You're right! I will leave your life alone. But I want $800 for the house payment, $200 for food...." Carl gets a full list, and he has to write it all down.

A better way to respond: Lecturing may shut down the grumbling, but it doesn't get at the problem. Find out what's behind the whine by saying, "Is something wrong? I get the feeling you're upset about more than just not getting to play at Brad's house." Whether or not your child wants to confide in you, at least you're opening the door to the conversation -- on his level.

"I don't like you."

I'm certainly not the only mom whose feelings have been bruised by a kid who demands a mom swap or says, "I hate you!" Greyson Kreis, 6, of Fairfax Station, Virginia, put in a request for a new mom when his mother, Kim, made him drop the latest Captain Underpants book to clean up his room and turn in early. Unlike me, she had a quick comeback. "I told him that he had better enjoy that night in his bed because the next day I would find him a new mom, and he could go live in her house -- but without his toys," she says.

A better way to respond: The unanimous chorus from experts: Don't take it personally. Kids say these things when they're frustrated or angry. It doesn't mean you're a bad parent. Of course, distancing yourself when your kid seems to be dissing your mothering skills isn't easy, but letting your child think that you're all too happy to get rid of him -- or worse, that you hate him, too -- isn't okay. Since the under-9 set are literal thinkers, they won't detect the reverse psychology at work, and you might end up undermining your child's trust.

To stay calm, try to pinpoint the real reason your kid is lashing out: For 7-year-old Shaun Herock of De Pere, Wisconsin, it was frustration and fatigue. He snapped, "I don't like you! You're not my friend!" when his mom, Mia, refused to grab hamburgers on the way home from a two-hour football practice. Her measured response: "That's fine. You're entitled to feel that way." Shaun stewed for a while, but by the time they got home, the whole thing had blown over. Herock recognized that her son only said "I don't like you" when he was overtired, and that helped her keep her temper. Easier said than done, of course, but if you're upset, wait until you've calmed down to say anything. "When you get emotional, you lose 50 IQ points," says Ray Levy. "But later on you can say, 'It hurts my feelings when you tell me you hate me.' Usually when kids are calm, they're pretty remorseful."

My daughter's requests for a new mom have died down recently, but now she likes to say, "You hurt my feelings," when I refuse yet another visit to her bedroom at night. While most of the time I manage a response like, "Thanks for sharing," I'm not always as calm as I'd like. "We all lose it and say the wrong thing," says Levy. "But it's good for parents to apologize or change their behavior, instead of thinking they have to be right or perfect all the time." In other words, it's always okay to say "I'm sorry" to your kids.

Melody Warnick is expecting her second daughter, who will no doubt want a new mom someday, too.

Thankful for a man with a scruffy face

When Tim came over the other night, he asked if I had any New Year's resolutions. I told him, "no," though my mind had wondered if technically the dating thing counts. I turned to question around on him. He didn't really seem to have an answer either.

Then I suggested, "gonna find a girlfriend?"

"Yup, that's what I'm gonna do," he responded with a hint of sarcasm. "I'm gonna ask a girl out and say, 'hey babe, wanna be my ex-girlfriend?'"

I can't tell if he's serious about dating. He mentioned something about a girl at his company last week. It's always hard to tell what he's really thinking when it comes to dating.

Later, he commented that he doesn't expect anyone to want him. When I asked him why, he explained that during the Vegas trip, the gals were talking about their requirements. Sable had a very specific set of attributes she was looking for: tall, plays volleyball, [blah, blah, blah]. Tim observed, "I'm not very tall. Girls don't want a short guy because then the kids will be short."

I tried to reassure him he's fine. Tim's on the cusp of being short versus the low end of average height for guys. Sadly, I know he's right. When I've scanned women's profiles on Match in the past, I've notice that the majority of Asian women in the 28-24 range wanted men 5' 10" and up. It wasn't a very scientific study, but I definitely recall less than 20% being open to guys shorter than 5'8". One woman even wrote "DON'T WRITE ME IF YOU AREN'T WITHIN THE HEIGHT RANGE LISTED." Note that most of the women I scanned were Asian and under 5'4".

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When I reflect upon the past year, the one thing I am most thankful for is Tim. Except for times when one of us has been sick or out of town, we spend a couple nights each week hanging out. It's nothing special, just watching tv of playing video games. We also vacationed together.

What comes most of out of the time together is simply talking. It can be about average work happenings, an interesting news article. or making a major purchase. There is no specific moment or topic that comes to mind. My appreciation comes from knowing that I have someone with whom I am comfortable being myself. I can't say that I've ever had such a close relationship with a man. He is someone I am happy to see and do things with.

It's taught me about what I want in a relationship in terms of communication and intimacy. I can joke with him about the silliest things. We have our disagreements. I can act snippety, he can be dismissive with me. Regardless of how much we upset each other, eventually, we address it and move on.

Granted, it's different with Tim because I don't feel the pressure of being in a dating relationship. But I think that's the point. I believe the reason some of my previous relationships with boyfriends failed because I feared being myself. My preoccupation with making the relationship "successful" blinded me from seeing that the relationship wasn't growing.

I have to remind myself that it's not all my fault. Certainly, I can think of when my boyfriends failed to acknowledge a problem when I gave them the chance. Sadly, the problem probably got past the point of repair.

There's no way for me to describe in words all the love I have for Tim. He is a great friend. I can't imagine not having him in my life. For whatever reason, we have found a way to enjoy each other's company and work through our differences. No one is perfect. I know my rants of self-pity get annoying (like fussing about a broken spoon). His humor often turns a frown rather than a laugh from me (making fun of why my ex dumped me). We know these things about each other because we call each other on it.

I understand why friends find it strange we aren't a couple. I question it myself at times. Am I tricking myself into believing differently than why I feel? My gut says I'm doing the right thing. I know Tim would question any change in my feelings as being about my biological clock ticking rather than a sincere desire.

Ignoring all that confusion and endless discussion, I am happy to have this experience. I hope that I can apply the growth I've achieved from this friendship to a healthy, long-term relationship someday.

Hoarding is a losing proposition

I'm a hoarder. I like having that sense of backup. I never use all my vacation because I like the idea of having a buffer in case of an emergency or spontaneous trip. If I have some scent I really like in a shampoo or lotion, I sparingly use it, hoping to make it last. I end up with all these half-used bottles strew about my bathroom. I am sitting on over 200,000 airline miles because if I find a cheaper airfare, I'd rather use that than spend the miles.

This week, however, I discovered that my hoarding habits just cost me. On another airline that I haven't flown in three years, I was dismayed to learn that my almost 40,000 miles expired two days ago. Doh! Even more tragic, I will be flying on that airline tomorrow. ARGHHHH!

I really did try to use the miles for a free ticket. However, in each situation either the fares were cheaper than redeeming the miles (the breakpoint is around 1.5 cents per mile for me) or I was traveling with others and ended up flying a different airline (again, for price).

My mother used to build up an insane amount of supplies at home. As a kid I remember having a cabinet full of toothpaste tubes, bottle of shampoo and lotion, Kleenex, and other notions. This was before the days of CostCo so I'm pretty sure it was all purchased on sale and with coupons.

At some point when I was a teenager, I think my mom realized that we had too much stuff. She stopped buying and we began trying to use things up. Unfortunately, the lotions weren't meant to sit on the shelves for that many years. Upon opening a "new" bottle of Vaseline lotion, I remember wondering if the formula had been changed. The lotion was very watery, not creamy like my bottle of Jergens. I checked another bottle to find the same consistency. Later, my mom commented about how she thought all the lotions had gone bad. From that experience, I don't do the same. I never have more than one extra bottle of anything around. The only thing I have multiples of is lip balm, but only because they get misplaced so easily. Thankfully, I don't have or rent any storage outside of my own place (unless you count a couple boxes at my parents' house).

It seems I still have things I need to stop hoarding. I've been working on using up the various bathroom toiletries. Part of the issue is that I hate wasting hotel supplies. If I've opened a bottle of shampoo, I take it home and use it up. The whole idea of all those detergents being thrown away every day in thousands of hotel room is very wasteful and bad for the environment. I no longer take home the ones that sit unopened on the bathroom counter (unless I *really* like the brand).

It's such a bummer that I lost a ticket. I was hoping to get up to 50,000 miles so that I could give my parents a set of roundtrip tickets for a vacation. I can still do that with my other airline miles. I'm just feeling stupid about losing some that I've had three years to use. :( Live and learn!

Balancing thoughts and actions

At the end of "Gilmore Girls" Emily gave Lorelai some marriage advice. She cautioned that it's not all fun and that, in fact, sometimes it's not easy at all. Lorelai tried to use a snarky reply to lessen the serious tone. Noting Lorelai's need to always have her way, Emily said that sometimes it will be important to let Christopher have his way if the relationship is to survive.

Ironically, I had the newest issue of "Real Simple" in my lap when I was watching and was reading an article titled, "When being right is wrong." The article used one woman as an example of how the need to be right can distract a person's from finding happiness.

It makes me think about my own communication style. I wonder how many people have been turned off my unwitting attitude, especially people I have dated. Being single for so long, it's tough to remember the importance of listening and compromise.

There are moments when I catch myself, after the fact, being too strongly opinionated. I worry that I've been independent for so long, lived alone for so long that it's become hard for me to see other people's points of view. Day to day (outside of work), there's little need to compromise; there's no waiting for other people's input to take action. I have grown accustomed to making a decision without a word and moving forward. It seems decisions can take longer as a couple because one has to wait for the other. When I am in a situation where I am working with others, it's hard to realize that I need to shift gears.

I had lightly touched upon the subject when my brother and sister-in-law were over the other night. We were sharing stories about kitchen habits. I told Ricer how it's easy to develop unique cleaning habits as a single person. She understood when I described to her how I hate watching people wash my good knives because I'm afraid they'll unknowingly use the abrasive side of the sponge and scratch the blade.

As the conversation progressed, Ricer mentioned how she thinks I'm brave to live alone. She's never lived alone in her life. She said she'd be too scared to stay in a place by herself and won't know what to do. Part of me couldn't imagine what life would be like being so dependent and was thankful that I am self-sufficient. While I appreciated her praise, I also assured her that it has it's downsides. I confessed my own worries about how it becomes difficult to know how to cooperate with others. It's not in my nature to ask for help because I normally have to do things myself. Being independent backfires sometimes because the skills it forces me to learn can increase my isolation.

I showed Tim the article I read and asked if it sounded like me. He said, "no." It was reassuring to hear that though I must admit I can't help think his opinion is a little skewed. ;) I'll have to give this some more thought to determine whether I'm simply obsessing or whether this is something that watch out for.

Why I should just let things lie

My therapist's recommendation this week was to appreciate myself for all the good things I can do and stop punishing for myself for things I am not. No one's perfect, I recognize that. It's a hard habit to break to not nitpick and think less of myself for not doing better.

Such an example has just happened this morning that makes me want to bang my head against a wall.

Last night I talked with Ig about taking up on offer of some free tickets that a friend's friend, Green, cannot use. The tickets are for an event on Saturday. Green would have to FedEx them as he is a few hundred miles away (hence why he can't use the tickets).

Ig sent an e-mail last night to our friend expressing interest in the tickets. He didn't e-mail Green directly even though he had his e-mail address. Knowing that time was of the essence, I forwarded Ig's e-mail to Green and left my phone number.

Green called me and said he would send us the tickets. I added that we felt the least we could do was pay for the FedEx costs and perhaps pay a small token for the tickets. Apparently that opened up a can of worms. Green said he had planned to give them to another person at 2 tickets for $30. He then said, how about $60. The math seemed a bit funny to me, but I said "yes" wanting to be fair. He said he would e-mail me with the cost of the FedEx and how to Paypal him.

Five minutes later, Green called again, asking if we could do him a favor. I paused and said, "I'll try." He explained that another ticket was to be sold to a guy who lives near the event. He realized that sending it by FedEx would cost more than what the guy was paying him for the ticket. He asked if we could meet up with the guy to deliver the ticket and collect the money. I only said I'd try and he said that's fine if we were unable to connect with the buyer.

Once I got off the phone and back from a meeting, I started putting all this together. The initial momentum behind this whole thing was because the tickets were "FREE." Now, we're shelling out $80 and we have to act as his delivery person. I feel like I've been taken advantage of and am unhappy. I should have left this alone and let the deal fall apart when Ig sent the e-mail wrong. The tickets would have been given to someone else by now and I wouldn't be in this awkward position.

Ig is unreachable so I could not consult him for what to do next. Green just sent an e-mail with the tracking number, a list of what amount to send to his Paypal account, and the contact information of the one ticket buyer. I checked the estimated arrival time for the envelope. There is a possibility the tickets will not show up until just before the event starts. Given travel time, that means we could be late and miss half the event. Now it really seems lame to be paying all this money for the tickets.

I did my best to layout the situation and explain that I'm feeling like the amount is more than "what was originally intended." I asked if we could discuss making an adjustment.

I don't know what else to do. I HATE these situations. I struggle constantly between being fair, being polite, and getting what I want. Sometime I think I let people run all over me and it sucks. This is why I want to just forget the whole thing and stay away from these situations. I wish I had never written any e-mails this morning and just let Ig error play out. ARGH.

Addition: And now I feel bad that I sent him a response because in talking with Ig just now, I realize that when he said "2 at $30" he must have meant $30 EACH, not $30 total. Ugh, can I just end this day now? This is why I think people like Ryan don't stay with me - a build up of misinterpretations make me look like a really bitchy and selfish person. :(

A Welcome Weekend

I can't believe it's back to work. Time flies too quickly these days.

I awoke at a decent time on Thursday morning. I walked over to the deserted strip mall to pick up the all important newspaper. Only the parking lot of the grocery store was full of cars. I sat around all morning, with the tv running in the background, as I scanned the Black Friday ads to determine what I wanted to buy and where to go the next morning. Ever since they made it 5am opening, I've sworn off getting up early, but I still try and go as soon as I get up.

I cooked up a side dish of green beans and mushrooms before heading over to my friend's Thanksgiving dinner. Besides Jew and Matrix, her boyfriend, I did not know anyone attending. Some of my friends tried to give me the spin that I might meet a guy there, but I knew better. And, I was right, pretty much everyone there was a couple. I suppose it was interesting to meet some new people. The conversations were okay, but I have to admit, they got a bit dry. I used my early shopping plans as an excuse to leave a little early.

Friday, with all the excitement brewing in my head, I woke up early - 5:01AM to be exact. I imagined all the people pushing their way through the doors of the stores. I thought I heard cheering coming from the strip mall a couple blocks away. It was probably just my imagination. When I reached over to turn off my 6AM alarm, I realized that I had forget to set it. How funny.

I managed to pick up a few goodies, though I'm not sure it was worth standing in line for 2.5 hours. Yuck! At least I now own seasons 1, 2, 3, and 5 of Gilmore Girls. (Hopefully they'll have seasons 4 and 6 on sale next year.) It also meant that I missed going to a couple other places that had morning specials and items that I thought would make nice gifts.

I returned home with just enough time to gulp down a couple bites to eat before going up to the auto show with Tim. We met up with Ig and Turk. I'm not in the market for a car, but it's fun to attend the show every few years to see what's new in cars. GPS technology is moving towards becoming a standard. While I see it's benefits, I can't help wonder how dependent it could make some people. Where's the mental development when everything is done for you?

From the car show, a few of us gathered at Hula and Drummer's place for a friendly evening. I was rather grumpy as we arrived at the house. Getting my period and already having been awake for 14 hours of standing and walking didn't make for a good mood. When I complained to Tim about feeling lonely, depressed and fat, he was sweet and assured me that I was probably just feeling bloated because of my period and not fat. I put on my happy face and greeted all my friends. We ate Thanksgiving leftovers supplemented with take-out Thai food.

The rest of the weekend consisted of a little more shopping, watching football, online shopping, wrapping gifts, and making potstickers. I really liked staying in on Sunday and mucking around in my pajamas.

********************

The best thing was catching up on Survivor. I watched Thursday's episode on Sunday night. During the immunity challenge, the players were required to cling to a wooden pole interspersed with ropes. The ropes provided a narrow ledge that could be used to rest feet against or grip. The goal was to remain up as long as possible without touching the ground.

As Jonathan struggle to keep his footing, Jeff Probst engaged him in conversation.

Jeff: Where are you feeling it Jonathan?

Jonathan: My feet a little bit. My feet are a lot bigger so, a little bit of rope... just hard, I guess

Yul: I think Jon has a point though...

Jeff: What's that?

Yul: Well, basically the surface area supporting all of us is about the same. Even if you're feet are a bit bigger or not. But, you know, you're, you're mass goes up at a faster rate than surface area. It's kind of like why elephants can't run up trees.

[The group laughs.]

Jeff: Just what I was thinking.

Parvatti: Clearly.

Yul: [shaking his head] I'm never going to get a date again.

Parvatti: Smart equals sexy.

My immediate thought as Yul gave his physics lesson was - oh know, this is going to make him a target. As he expressed his concern about his geekiness affecting his image, I thought "but I like hearing a guy think like that." I then added, "but then he's probably referring to dating hot girls, not gals like me."

It's something I would consider just "normal" until a situation like this where other people would find it out of place. It's hilarious because you know the other people there were not expecting that level of analysis. Maybe it's because I can see myself thinking things like this that I can relate. Sure, you don't want to get intellectual around people all the time, but an occasional sharing of knowledge makes for fun conversation. The minute I saw the challenge, I wanted a scientific explanation of the best physical position to stand in the outlast the competition. I expressed how endearing his comments were. Ig pointed out Parvatti's comment and noted "and she's hot."

Then the guys got into a bit of a discussion when Ig said, "a guy like Yul can say things like that because he's good looking."

"He's not *that* good looking, it's just that he happens to" have the whole package. I can't remember exactly what Tim said but it was interesting to see how we all had different perspectives on the situation.

We discussed how Yul's now listed as one of People's sexy men. I also explained to the guys that Yul wasn't always so fit and muscular. A high school buddy of his was surprised at the first episode of the show and exclaimed, "since when did he get so ripped." It seemed to make the Ig feel better that perhaps a few years ago, Yul was just another average Asian guy.

It seems we all have our insecurities. It reminds me how important it is to be okay with yourself and know that others aren't necessarily better than you. They may just hide things better. I don't know if I could find someone like Yul for myself, but I hope that I may keep in mind to look past the superficial and remember to get to know the person and let them be a little vulnerable with me without penalizing them for it.

Positive emotions linked to lower blood pressure

This is why no matter how much I hate certain things about my life, I try to think about happy things (or about neutral things like cleaning).

Positive emotions linked to lower blood pressure

"NEW YORK (Reuters) -- Having a positive outlook makes life more enjoyable, and it may also lower blood pressure in older adults.

Among more than 2,500 people aged 65 or older, the higher a person scored on a questionnaire measuring positive emotions, the lower was his or her blood pressure.

'Our thoughts and emotions do affect our physical processes,' Dr. Glenn V. Ostir of the University of Texas Medical Branch in Galveston, the study's lead author, told Reuters. 'The nice thing is that we have some control over that.'

There is evidence that positive emotions can help keep a person's chemical and neural responses in balance, and help people handle stress better, Ostir and his team note in the latest issue of Psychosomatic Medicine.

To investigate whether happiness might be related to blood pressure as well, they surveyed 2,654 Mexican-Americans. About half were men and half were women, and the study participants were an average of 72.5 years old. All of the subjects completed a questionnaire that ranked their degree of positive emotions on a scale of 0 to 12.

The higher a person scored on the test, the lower their blood pressure was, the researchers found. The effect was strongest among people who weren't taking drugs to lower their blood pressure, but it was still significant fo"

Big Mouth still on the loose

Many years ago, my mother was chatting with me on the phone and told me about how this family friend's daughter, Curleye, was doing well with her current boyfriend. Her mother had told mine that she said she was happy.

A couple weeks later, I randomly came in contact with a woman who I discovered was a classmate of theirs from school. She was closer to the boyfriend. During the course of conversation, she asked me something about what Curleye thought of her friend. I innocently answered that she had said "she seems happy."

A week later, I got an upset call from my mother. My seemingly friendly comment had gotten back to Curleye and her mom. Apparently, they were rather upset about the gossiping. It had not even occurred to me that such a simple comment would cause so much scandal. I really don't see the harm in such a comment other than maybe it got mistranslated into something bigger.

******

Ever since, I've tried to be cautious of what I say. Generally, I guess I don't filter things that well. Information seems less sensitive to me than it apparently is.

Well, I kind of did that again over the weekend. I rode in a car with someone who is a semi-friend/semi-acquaintance of Chi (they've known each other for several years but aren't close). 3Degree is a very talkative person. What I did not realize is how he tends to ask very personal questions about people. As the conversation flowed, he got on the subject of Chi. I think he commented or joking asked whether Chi was dating many men. I rebutted his idea (because it seemed to sound bad to me at that moment) and explained that she is happily dating one guy right now.

He asked how long they had been dating and how they met. I admit, for a moment, I wondered if I should be sharing this information, but considering that they've been dating for two months, it didn't seem so secret. We talked a little about online dating sites. 3Degree then commented that he didn't think Hrmny had Asian people. I pointed out that Chi is dating an Asian man. That surprised him. From there, the conversation moved to other things. Sharing that last piece of information I will acknowledge was voluntary on my part.

Still, I felt a little uneasy about what I had divulged. I mentioned to Chi in an e-mail that 3Degree has asked about her and that I had told him she is dating. I wanted her not to be surprised if he mentioned it. I think she was a little upset about it but acted very polite. I did not get into all the details of the conversation because hopefully he won't remember everything I said. She was more understanding once she understood that the initial conversation was directed by 3Degree not some free offering of information by me. Her suggestion was that if I wasn't sure about answering his inquiries to simply say, "you know, you should ask Chi about that."

Suggestion taken. Man, I feel like a heel (beating my head against the wall). One more instance like this and I won't be surprised if she doesn't tell me anything anymore.

Every heard the book title "Kids Say the Darndest Things" by Charles Schultz. Well, sometimes I think that was based on me (though it was written before my time). There's some part of me that feels like I should be honest and open about things. I haven't quite learned the difference between honesty and appropriateness. I've managed to put my foot in my mouth big time every few years. Maybe I've been writing in journals too long and grown comfortable with saying what comes to mind. I need to remind myself that it's not necessarily dishonest to not answer a question.

Age of volunteering

I recently volunteered at the local dragonboat racing event. I had the choice of either helping out at the children's craft tent or marshalling the rowers at the docks.

There was some confusion in the early morning. The person at volunteer check-in asked me to go down to the dock first. At the gate, the two volunteers I encountered said that everything was fine and no additional volunteers were needed.

So, I headed over to the big tent. Along the way, I stopped at the volunteer table to tell her there was no need for additional people at the docks. Another woman had just walked up to inquire about the person in charge of the children's area. No one was there to set up.

Indeed, when I got to the tables, there was one guy opening the boxes of craft materials. It wasn't clear he knew what he was doing. Two other girls and a young boy were standing around waiting. Soon after, three girls more showed up. They looked as if they were in their teens. They were finishing their free breakfast muffins and chatting. The guy had told them to unpack things from the boxes. When they started randomly opening any package they grabbed, I cautioned them because it was obvious from looking at the boxes that the unopened supplies were extra. It made sense to use the bags that were already open first rather than have beads and foam shapes loose everywhere. I felt like a mom around all these girls.

Once everything was on the table, we stood around again. I went to get myself a muffin. While I was at the food table, I overheard one of the coordinators say they were still short two people for the docks. I let her know that there was still no coordinator for the craft tables. She then asked if I would go down to the docks, I said, "sure."

At the docks, there were three people per dock, dressed in PFDs. They looked as young as the girls at the craft tables. The coordinator was am adult, with bullhorn and clipboard in hand. He clearly had experience running this event as he was very methodical in directing the teams to their boats in an orderly fashion.

On the upper dock was one guy. He seemed a little more mature. It turns out he is a grad student. In my mind, I still couldn't help think I was probably a decade older. I was wearing a beach hat to shade my face from the sun, so maybe I looked younger to everyone.

The racing heats varied. I'd say the majority of the teams were high school groups. Boy, I wish I'd had something like this to get involved in back when I was that age. My mom would have complained about getting too dark with all that time in the sun. I would have had fun and probably made some good friends. Socially, I could have learned a lot.

I was surprised to see so many adult groups participating. I'm not talking only about the Asian teams, but also the pink team of breast cancer survivors, the German and Canadian rowers. There was the "Blind Ambition" group of blind rowers who were escorted to their boat by other teams. The variety was amazing. It reminded me that age shouldn't stop you from trying anything.

Still, I felt left out. We always had a few minutes of down time waiting for the boats to return. I stood and observed the teams interacting and wishing I was still in my twenties. I also thought about how much I'd like my children to be active and emotionally healthy in addition to being academically successful. There are so many things, so much noise to process in life. Will I be able to do everything I need and want to do (major accomplishments-wise)? While I'm still single and can do whatever I choose, there are a lot of responsibilities that I can no longer get away from so easily.

Rambling aside, here are my final thoughts. As I stood and watched all the dragonboat participants file in, load into their boats, and paddled hard through each race, I realized that volunteering is a great way to experience things I've missed in life. I enjoy doing things I normally wouldn't think of doing. On the other hand, the secondary purpose of volunteering is to meet people - make new friends or potential dates. I've noticed lately, however, that the people I meet at these events are getting younger (well, I'm actually just getting older). I still plan to volunteer, but I no longer expect to meet eligible men there because most of the singles are under 30. [sigh of sadness] Time is moving along and I feel like I've been in a holding pattern way too long.

PostSecret

I think the Kennedy postcard on PostSecret this week says a lot about what's been the underlyng theme for me lately...