Over the weekend, Tim and I attended our first wedding as a married couple. It was also interesting because they got engaged two months before us but had six months longer to plan the event. For me, this was a significant outing because it actually meant that I got to dress up.
The bride, Chi, and I met years ago through mutual friends. We were both single gals living in the same city. She initiated the friendship by encouraging me to call her to go hiking and golfing. "Saving Face" came out around the time we met, so Chi often joked that she was worried I thought she was hitting on me. Oh, we were silly gals.
I've now been unemployed for over four months. That combined with cohabitation of my little place has made for a living situation that is new and unexpected. For one thing, my closet has filled up with various items that we've had to "hide" from visiting guests and numerous intrusions but construction or cleaning people. The problem is that I've had little reasons to clean up the closet since I've been wearing jeans and long sleeve knit shirts virtually everyday. The skirts, slacks, blouses, and sweaters neatly organized and hanging in my closet haven't seen daylight since last fall. Other than climbing around to get to my ski clothes, I forget that I own all that stuff.
I considered buying a new dress for the occasion but didn't find anything affordable. Besides, I realized after trying on some cute and sexy BCBG dresses that, sadly, I'm getting to old for them. I dug out all my cute floral dresses knowing that we would have decent spring weather. The dress I wanted to wear turned out to be a bit tight around the shoulders. Tim convinced me that I should wear this black dress with red and fushia flowers. It's a nice dress, but I was disappointed that the neckline came up to my collarbone and failed to show off any part of my chest. I felt like an old lady.
As hot rollers reprogrammed my hair to curl, I proceeded to prepare my face. While I'm someone who doesn't typically wear a lot of makeup each day, I have developed a better sense of what looks good on me over the years. I must say that going through the wedding process and having several trial makeup sessions at the department stores was very educational. I know to add a darker shade color in the far corners of my eyes and highlight my brow bones with a light color. When I first bought the my bottle of Le Blanc de Chanel Sheer Base, I felt some major buyer's remorse. How would someone like me possibly finish a $45 bottle of white liquid before it goes bad? I was thrilled to have purchase my Rouge Double Intensite lip colour in Violet Sapphire. More recently, however, I have come to appreciate my Chanel items more. I've been late to makeup party, but I'm here now.
An hour and one half later, after the eye liner, the eyebrow brush, concealer, foundation, an angle brush with powder, three colors of eyeshadow, a tug-of-war with many individual false eyelashes, and a quick brush of deep red nail polish on my toenails, my awesome lip colour, two egg-sized mounds of mousse, and dozens of spritzes of hair spray I felt confident that I looked HOT. (Okay, not a supermodel or anything that fantastic but damned cute and potentially sexy.) Looking at myself in the mirror, I couldn't helped be impressed that I'd actually managed to figure out how to do this right.
Then my mind wondered how different my 20s could have been if I had made this kind of effort on a regular basis. Would I have been willing to sacrifice (invest) an hour of my life each day to look more attractive? It's difficult for me to imagine, but there are many women who go through this every day (and some are rich enough to pay someone to do it for them). It does look good, but I guess I never believed it was good use of my time (because I could be sleeping instead). I can't help be curious about the "what if." That confidence probably would have extended beyond my face and made me more comfortable wearing more flattering, fashionable clothing. What kind of men would I have attracted/dated? Would I have been married earlier? Would it have changed how my career experiences? Who might I be now? I browse places like Forever 21, Anthropologie, and H&M. Occaisionally, I find little gems that I love, but mostly I know they'd just look odd on me not only because of my body shape but because of my age. I feel like my interest peaked a decade late... oh well. ;)
I still don't wear makeup that often and have definitely been out of practice recently. I realize that even if I'm just running errands that it really is an ego boost to wear a little makeup and look good while one is out with people. A little bit of definition and color couldn't hurt.
Showing posts with label About me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label About me. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Monday, March 02, 2009
Not human
I'm sitting here wanting to write something but find unsure what to say. At any given moment, I seem like a totally normal, happy person. I pay my bills, run errands, watch tv, cook, clean, chat with friends, eat, play with the neighbor's cat, and search for jobs. But when I stop to take in my surroundings and think about who I am, there's nothing there. I'm just going through the motions of what I'm supposed to be doing.
There are many things that make up our identity. Cancer patients, women especially, go through incredible anguish because of the hair loss associated with chemotherapy. It's strange how thousands of strands of dead cells are so strongly tied to image and identity.
One of the key components of identity for people is their job. I have now been unemployed for four months. It's now equivalent to the time I spent looking for a job after grad school. This time, however, it's harder because I'm more established, more experienced, and more specialized. My expectations for income and responsibility are different as is the willingness of employers to hire me. There are few jobs in my expertise right now. As much as I like what I do, I wonder whether or not my industry has a stable, long-term future in this part of the country. Each day that passes, I question how much longer I should continue to search for something in my current profession versus shifting to something else. The upside is that I may have more flexibility in finding a job. The downside is that I will have to take a significant pay cut and potentially start with a job that is not stimulating. The struggle between taking a job for the income versus taking a job that will build a career is a frustrating choice. I don't feel like I can have both in this economic environment. The fact of the matter is that I don't know whether my career profile reflects who I want to be.
Not having a job didn't seem to bother me so much when I thought I was pregnant. I think it was because I knew that I had the role of mother to play. Being a mother is a huge responsibility that I know would be challenging, frustrating, yet fulfilling. I didn't worry so much about my unemployment because the time off would be used to make things better for the baby. But now that there is no baby, that part of my identity has been taken away (at least for awhile). True, I am still a wife, but frankly Tim would be fine without me. It adds to who I am, but I don't feel it defines any part of me.
They say being unemployed is an opportunity to do something for yourself. The truth is that it's scary for me because I realize I have no interest in pursuing anything. Everything sounds interesting, but I lack the motivation to do anything or I talk myself out of it because my interest is not financially sustainable (coming from the Asian perspective). What's wrong with me? I know I'm smart and responsible. Nothing I did contributed to this current economic crisis. I know I have many unique skills, but I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel so worthless when I see my friends are doing fine. While I know it's not reality, inside, I wonder if I've done something wrong in my life to end up here. I'm a logical person, and I need a logical reason to explain what is happening. Of course, there probably isn't any explanation that is going to satisfy my frustration and questions. I feel totally lost, and I need to do something to feel like a human being again and not just some automaton.
There are many things that make up our identity. Cancer patients, women especially, go through incredible anguish because of the hair loss associated with chemotherapy. It's strange how thousands of strands of dead cells are so strongly tied to image and identity.
One of the key components of identity for people is their job. I have now been unemployed for four months. It's now equivalent to the time I spent looking for a job after grad school. This time, however, it's harder because I'm more established, more experienced, and more specialized. My expectations for income and responsibility are different as is the willingness of employers to hire me. There are few jobs in my expertise right now. As much as I like what I do, I wonder whether or not my industry has a stable, long-term future in this part of the country. Each day that passes, I question how much longer I should continue to search for something in my current profession versus shifting to something else. The upside is that I may have more flexibility in finding a job. The downside is that I will have to take a significant pay cut and potentially start with a job that is not stimulating. The struggle between taking a job for the income versus taking a job that will build a career is a frustrating choice. I don't feel like I can have both in this economic environment. The fact of the matter is that I don't know whether my career profile reflects who I want to be.
Not having a job didn't seem to bother me so much when I thought I was pregnant. I think it was because I knew that I had the role of mother to play. Being a mother is a huge responsibility that I know would be challenging, frustrating, yet fulfilling. I didn't worry so much about my unemployment because the time off would be used to make things better for the baby. But now that there is no baby, that part of my identity has been taken away (at least for awhile). True, I am still a wife, but frankly Tim would be fine without me. It adds to who I am, but I don't feel it defines any part of me.
They say being unemployed is an opportunity to do something for yourself. The truth is that it's scary for me because I realize I have no interest in pursuing anything. Everything sounds interesting, but I lack the motivation to do anything or I talk myself out of it because my interest is not financially sustainable (coming from the Asian perspective). What's wrong with me? I know I'm smart and responsible. Nothing I did contributed to this current economic crisis. I know I have many unique skills, but I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel so worthless when I see my friends are doing fine. While I know it's not reality, inside, I wonder if I've done something wrong in my life to end up here. I'm a logical person, and I need a logical reason to explain what is happening. Of course, there probably isn't any explanation that is going to satisfy my frustration and questions. I feel totally lost, and I need to do something to feel like a human being again and not just some automaton.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Temporary insanity is back
After almost a year, I dread it's return. This morning, I noticed a few drops of blood in the toilet. The monthly monster is back.
Along with the physical aspects of it all so too are the side effects. For me, the biggest inconvenience is the mental toll. I seriously believe that I suffer some significant synaptic misfirings for a few days each month.
I was a bit down on Friday. When Tim got home, I just cried for awhile. The loss of my job, the stress of interviewing, and all the depressing news about the economy was too much. I haven't had a breakdown like that in quite some time. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I felt so miserable (though I can remember many times feeling like this through the years).
And then last night, I found myself in a dark funk. A panic set in as I sat down to research my interview presentation.
Along with the physical aspects of it all so too are the side effects. For me, the biggest inconvenience is the mental toll. I seriously believe that I suffer some significant synaptic misfirings for a few days each month.
I was a bit down on Friday. When Tim got home, I just cried for awhile. The loss of my job, the stress of interviewing, and all the depressing news about the economy was too much. I haven't had a breakdown like that in quite some time. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I felt so miserable (though I can remember many times feeling like this through the years).
And then last night, I found myself in a dark funk. A panic set in as I sat down to research my interview presentation.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Boredom set in
Honestly, I like not having to get up early, commute, work for 8 hours (okay I probably do non-work stuff for at least an hour), commute again, and they scramble to find dinner before crashing on the couch for the rest of the evening. It's nice to be able to escape the house whenever I choose and do whatever I need to. On the other hand, the boredom is growing.
The truth is that I'm a lazy and very simple person. While some friends who have been unemployed have volunteered, quilt and knit, read books, go cycling for days on end, I don't have any hobbies that I could do day after day and be content. I have a pile of cards, gifts, scrapbooking supplies and laundry all around the house, but all I can do is sit here and feel sad and bored.
I have now been jobless for one month. While the time definitely passes by, I can't say it's been very fulfilling. I also find that I'm at a bit of a crossroad in what would be an ideal job. There's still part of me that is hungry for a challenge and to feel important. On the other hand, I don't want to work from 7am to 7pm every day to get ahead. I want a job where I have some interesting projects but where it's okay to put everything down at 5:30pm and go home. I don't feel like that's possible with what I do now. The problem is that I like what I do.
I just had another phone interview with a hiring manager. This is the same company that I've been talking to off and on for several weeks now. I must say that it was a much more productive conversation. We connected better this time and were straight forward with our concerns about each other. It was revealed to me that the group wasn't sure about whether to continue interviewing with me. Apparently I was very "difficult to read" during the interviews. They couldn't tell how interested I was in the job as opposed to just having decent hours and getting a paycheck. I am on the borderline as a candidate. Argh... .
This was very eye opening and great feedback. When I meet people, I think I tend to be a bit reserved. Coming into this particular interview, I was also overly scrutinizing since the initial contact had been so confusing. The concern on their part centered around how structured I seemed to want things to be. I guess I must have seemed robotic? The company is not in a situation to be a hierarchical place. I was asked to clarify my behavior in case they had misinterpreted. I explained that my mind had already shifted into a mode of trying to assess what actions I would take as the new person on the team. I emphasize my experience in different stages of a company and how that could help the group step up their current practices.
It felt better talking to the hiring manager because I felt like we had a much more personable talk. I don't want to work with someone who's very serious. It must be part of the getting older problem. I was naive and open-minded when I first got out of college. I think now I am very easily suspicious, doubtful and make too many assumptions about things. It's a very difficult habit to remind myself to break. I see from this that I need to improve on that otherwise it's going to take a lot longer to find a job!
My discussion seemed to alleviate the hiring manager's concerns enough to have me come in for a final presentation interview. There are two other candidates who have already completed the entire process. A third person will be presenting the same day as I will. We all have unique strengths though none of us have the perfect resume for the job (so I was told). I am hopeful, but I know not to set my expectations to high.
The truth is that I'm a lazy and very simple person. While some friends who have been unemployed have volunteered, quilt and knit, read books, go cycling for days on end, I don't have any hobbies that I could do day after day and be content. I have a pile of cards, gifts, scrapbooking supplies and laundry all around the house, but all I can do is sit here and feel sad and bored.
I have now been jobless for one month. While the time definitely passes by, I can't say it's been very fulfilling. I also find that I'm at a bit of a crossroad in what would be an ideal job. There's still part of me that is hungry for a challenge and to feel important. On the other hand, I don't want to work from 7am to 7pm every day to get ahead. I want a job where I have some interesting projects but where it's okay to put everything down at 5:30pm and go home. I don't feel like that's possible with what I do now. The problem is that I like what I do.
I just had another phone interview with a hiring manager. This is the same company that I've been talking to off and on for several weeks now. I must say that it was a much more productive conversation. We connected better this time and were straight forward with our concerns about each other. It was revealed to me that the group wasn't sure about whether to continue interviewing with me. Apparently I was very "difficult to read" during the interviews. They couldn't tell how interested I was in the job as opposed to just having decent hours and getting a paycheck
This was very eye opening and great feedback. When I meet people, I think I tend to be a bit reserved. Coming into this particular interview, I was also overly scrutinizing since the initial contact had been so confusing. The concern on their part centered around how structured I seemed to want things to be. I guess I must have seemed robotic? The company is not in a situation to be a hierarchical place. I was asked to clarify my behavior in case they had misinterpreted. I explained that my mind had already shifted into a mode of trying to assess what actions I would take as the new person on the team. I emphasize my experience in different stages of a company and how that could help the group step up their current practices.
It felt better talking to the hiring manager because I felt like we had a much more personable talk. I don't want to work with someone who's very serious. It must be part of the getting older problem. I was naive and open-minded when I first got out of college. I think now I am very easily suspicious, doubtful and make too many assumptions about things. It's a very difficult habit to remind myself to break. I see from this that I need to improve on that otherwise it's going to take a lot longer to find a job!
My discussion seemed to alleviate the hiring manager's concerns enough to have me come in for a final presentation interview. There are two other candidates who have already completed the entire process. A third person will be presenting the same day as I will. We all have unique strengths though none of us have the perfect resume for the job (so I was told). I am hopeful, but I know not to set my expectations to high.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Stolen
Stolen from a variety of blogs including Anna May... I'm a little late to the game but had to do it.
1. How do you like your eggs? usually hard boiled, just not after eating them one meal a day for two weeks straight
2. How do you take your coffee/tea? Mostly hot tea plain, sometime a touch of honey like now when I have a sore throat
3. Favorite breakfast food?
Weekdays: Fruit yogurt (without HFCS)
Weekends: Cereal, when there's milk
4. Peanut butter - smooth or crunchy? Loved cruchy as a kid, but now it's all about the smooth
5. What kind of dressing on your salad? Ranch, Italian if my pants are feeling tight
6. Coke or Pepsi? Neither, I drink Coke on rare occasions
7. You’re feeling lazy, what do you make? Chips and salsa or guacamole
8. You’re feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order? That's being lazy? I'm too cheap to do that.
9. You feel like cooking. What do you make? Depends on what's in the frig, probably stir fry or pasta.
10. Do any foods bring back good memories? Rice with cream of mushroom and french-cut green beans - it reminds me of simple meals as a child that I loved.
11. Do any foods bring back bad memories? Chinese sausage, the sweet and bright red kind. My mom kept making it for months when I was six. We got sick of it, and none of us eat it anymore. Brownie mix, I broke out in hives from a certain brand.
12. Do any foods remind you of someone? Warm maple syrup mixed with melted butter - learned it from the ex-bf. Coconut because Tim hates it.
13. Is there a food you refuse to eat? Chinese sausage, chicken feet (the texture is like eating fat to me).
14. What was your favorite food as a child? Egg rolls full of bean sprouts and chicken, nice and crispy, and then dipped in vinegar and soy sauce.
15. Is there a food that you hated as a child but now like? My mom always commented that I ate everything.
16. Is there a food that you liked as a child but now hate? Chef Boyardee raviolis - I still like the idea, but my stomach isn't too pleased these days.
17. Favorite fruit and vegetable: Blueberries, persimmons, pea sprouts.
18. Favorite junk food: Cheetos!!
19. Favorite between meal snack: Whatever I can find in my desk drawer - usually trail mix.
20. Do you have any weird food habits? Putting chips into my sandwiches to have some crunch.
21. You’re on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on? It's more about cutting down on things I like rather than filling up on specific foods. I guess I'd probably eat more salad.
22. You’re off your diet. Now what would you like? Pastries made with lots of butter and eggs.
23. How spicy do you order Indian/Thai? Medium to hot, but I want to be able to taste the food.
24. Can I get you a drink? Tap water (in most cities). It probably stems from my cheap Asian upbringing - "you can drink soda at home"
25. Red wine or white? I'm a lightweight but I don't mind the occasional glass of cab, pinot, or sweeter white.
26. Favorite dessert? Tough choice between fruit and chocolate... a warm fruit crisp wins if I have to choose.
1. How do you like your eggs? usually hard boiled, just not after eating them one meal a day for two weeks straight
2. How do you take your coffee/tea? Mostly hot tea plain, sometime a touch of honey like now when I have a sore throat
3. Favorite breakfast food?
Weekdays: Fruit yogurt (without HFCS)
Weekends: Cereal, when there's milk
4. Peanut butter - smooth or crunchy? Loved cruchy as a kid, but now it's all about the smooth
5. What kind of dressing on your salad? Ranch, Italian if my pants are feeling tight
6. Coke or Pepsi? Neither, I drink Coke on rare occasions
7. You’re feeling lazy, what do you make? Chips and salsa or guacamole
8. You’re feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order? That's being lazy? I'm too cheap to do that.
9. You feel like cooking. What do you make? Depends on what's in the frig, probably stir fry or pasta.
10. Do any foods bring back good memories? Rice with cream of mushroom and french-cut green beans - it reminds me of simple meals as a child that I loved.
11. Do any foods bring back bad memories? Chinese sausage, the sweet and bright red kind. My mom kept making it for months when I was six. We got sick of it, and none of us eat it anymore. Brownie mix, I broke out in hives from a certain brand.
12. Do any foods remind you of someone? Warm maple syrup mixed with melted butter - learned it from the ex-bf. Coconut because Tim hates it.
13. Is there a food you refuse to eat? Chinese sausage, chicken feet (the texture is like eating fat to me).
14. What was your favorite food as a child? Egg rolls full of bean sprouts and chicken, nice and crispy, and then dipped in vinegar and soy sauce.
15. Is there a food that you hated as a child but now like? My mom always commented that I ate everything.
16. Is there a food that you liked as a child but now hate? Chef Boyardee raviolis - I still like the idea, but my stomach isn't too pleased these days.
17. Favorite fruit and vegetable: Blueberries, persimmons, pea sprouts.
18. Favorite junk food: Cheetos!!
19. Favorite between meal snack: Whatever I can find in my desk drawer - usually trail mix.
20. Do you have any weird food habits? Putting chips into my sandwiches to have some crunch.
21. You’re on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on? It's more about cutting down on things I like rather than filling up on specific foods. I guess I'd probably eat more salad.
22. You’re off your diet. Now what would you like? Pastries made with lots of butter and eggs.
23. How spicy do you order Indian/Thai? Medium to hot, but I want to be able to taste the food.
24. Can I get you a drink? Tap water (in most cities). It probably stems from my cheap Asian upbringing - "you can drink soda at home"
25. Red wine or white? I'm a lightweight but I don't mind the occasional glass of cab, pinot, or sweeter white.
26. Favorite dessert? Tough choice between fruit and chocolate... a warm fruit crisp wins if I have to choose.
Friday, September 07, 2007
What happened to you?
I was watching a rerun of "Gray's Anatomy" last night. It was the one where Meredith's mother is lucid for a time. She wants to get to know Meredith and acts all nice. It's clear Meredith is happy as she tries to hint at the joys in her crazy life. Unfortunately, all her mother hears is that she's not being aggressive about her job and that some man is distracting her. Clearly Meredith was hoping for a more touching "reunion."
As I watched, I couldn't help think about my own life. There's a part of me that's pretty competitive and sets high expectations for myself. I've never been happy with who I am because I always thought I could do better and feel like I'm not living up to my potential. I meet people who are far smarter and far more socially skilled than I will ever be. It's frustrating sometimes, but on the other hand I sometimes don't want to be on that path. It would require me to give up part of who I am now.
The other reason watching this struck a chord is because I've been keeping a secret from most people until recently. I haven't talked much about dating because Tim and I have revisited dating each other. It started after my vacation earlier this summer. Being apart, it was clear we missed each other. After some talks, we went on a couple "dates." I put that in quotes because we spend so much time together as friends, it barely seems different.
Things are going well, and, in fact, he's the one who went with me on a tropical vacation. We had the best time and really enjoyed just being together. There's truly a special bond between us. The vacation is probably one of the best I can recall.
That said, however, some of the things that were a concern for me the first time around are still there. At least this time, we're talking about them. He knows that I don't appreciate his badly timed humor. I recognize that I can nag and whine a bit too often. We both need to develop some patience and learn to constructively discuss things.
Tim was very understanding about my preference to keep things quiet for awhile. Given our history and a handful of well-meaning, but nosy friends, I wanted to avoid immediate pressure and curiosity. If we couldn't work things out, I didn't want to have to explain again a brief attempt at dating a second time. Enough time has now passed that I feel like we're really working at this. It's also clear that Tim has gotten to a point where he no longer wants to dodge people's questions about his dating life.
We still have some obstacles to overcome. There's one big one we're tackling now. It's complicated and a bit too personal for me to write about just yet. Unfortunately it's something that must be worked around rather than fixed or changed, so it's going to be a longer process. In my opinion, there'll be some sacrifice from both of us on this matter. I don't like that either of us will have to lose anything, but hopefully there's enough else to make up for it that we won't notice in time.
For me personally, the next hurdle will be my mother. On one hand, she'd be happy to just know that I'm not alone anymore and that maybe I'd be married someday. On the other hand, he's not the right ethnicity in her eyes. He's also not tall enough, not from a good family, blah, blah, blah. She will look down on him (and Tim knows that). I dread hearing the judgemental comments that she will share with me whenever we talk. I don't know how to manage this part. It is what it is.
All that matters right now is that I'm happy. I love knowing he's going to give me a hug and kiss me when I see him. I know that he loves me for who I am. I look forward to cooking meals and sitting down to eat dinner with him. Whatever happens, I'm having fun and can enjoy life for a little while. These are the times I hope I can look back on years from now when I need a smile.
As I watched, I couldn't help think about my own life. There's a part of me that's pretty competitive and sets high expectations for myself. I've never been happy with who I am because I always thought I could do better and feel like I'm not living up to my potential. I meet people who are far smarter and far more socially skilled than I will ever be. It's frustrating sometimes, but on the other hand I sometimes don't want to be on that path. It would require me to give up part of who I am now.
The other reason watching this struck a chord is because I've been keeping a secret from most people until recently. I haven't talked much about dating because Tim and I have revisited dating each other. It started after my vacation earlier this summer. Being apart, it was clear we missed each other. After some talks, we went on a couple "dates." I put that in quotes because we spend so much time together as friends, it barely seems different.
Things are going well, and, in fact, he's the one who went with me on a tropical vacation. We had the best time and really enjoyed just being together. There's truly a special bond between us. The vacation is probably one of the best I can recall.
That said, however, some of the things that were a concern for me the first time around are still there. At least this time, we're talking about them. He knows that I don't appreciate his badly timed humor. I recognize that I can nag and whine a bit too often. We both need to develop some patience and learn to constructively discuss things.
Tim was very understanding about my preference to keep things quiet for awhile. Given our history and a handful of well-meaning, but nosy friends, I wanted to avoid immediate pressure and curiosity. If we couldn't work things out, I didn't want to have to explain again a brief attempt at dating a second time. Enough time has now passed that I feel like we're really working at this. It's also clear that Tim has gotten to a point where he no longer wants to dodge people's questions about his dating life.
We still have some obstacles to overcome. There's one big one we're tackling now. It's complicated and a bit too personal for me to write about just yet. Unfortunately it's something that must be worked around rather than fixed or changed, so it's going to be a longer process. In my opinion, there'll be some sacrifice from both of us on this matter. I don't like that either of us will have to lose anything, but hopefully there's enough else to make up for it that we won't notice in time.
For me personally, the next hurdle will be my mother. On one hand, she'd be happy to just know that I'm not alone anymore and that maybe I'd be married someday. On the other hand, he's not the right ethnicity in her eyes. He's also not tall enough, not from a good family, blah, blah, blah. She will look down on him (and Tim knows that). I dread hearing the judgemental comments that she will share with me whenever we talk. I don't know how to manage this part. It is what it is.
All that matters right now is that I'm happy. I love knowing he's going to give me a hug and kiss me when I see him. I know that he loves me for who I am. I look forward to cooking meals and sitting down to eat dinner with him. Whatever happens, I'm having fun and can enjoy life for a little while. These are the times I hope I can look back on years from now when I need a smile.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Childhood notions
Maybe it was all those Disney movies about happy endings or maybe it was one too many romantic comedies, or perhaps it's just in my genes, but I think I had an overly romantic notion about love in the past.
In the early years, I can recall many boys with whom I played chase - Shawn, Robby, Carl, and Donald. It's funny to think about all that time running around the school playground or neighborhood parks trying to get away. If and when the boys caught the girls, what were they supposed to do next?
Donald was the smart, cute boy who lived down the street from me. We were in the same third-grade class. I'd always catch a glimpse of his house every time I went to Sister's house to play. She played chase with Donald's younger brother Brian. My obsessiveness about boys probably started then.
I remember listening to one of my favorite singers at the time, Olivia Newton-John. She had this old song that I absolutely loved, "I Honestly Love You," that felt totally appropriate for what I wanted to say to Donald. I'm not sure, but I think I once wrote down all the words from the song and dreamed of sharing them with him. Boy, that would have freaked him out!
For a couple years in high school, I had a crush on this sweet boy, Chip. We worked together as library volunteers. I was always excited when we overlapped shifts. He was a genuinely nice guy and we enjoyed chatting together as we shelved books. He'd play little jokes on me like pushing out a book in my aisle that I'd half to pick up and reshelve.
I wasn't exactly a mature teenager. I had no experience with boys and didn't have the greatest communication skills (and still don't). There was no way I would ever do any asking out or overt flirting. He wasn't exactly the outgoing type either. His religion, I assumed at the time, would not allow him to be interested in someone like me. (Oh, how many times I assumed being Asian prevented people from liking me.)
He stopped working at the library before senior year. Still, we'd say "hello" to each other in the hallways. I missed talking to him. Several months before prom, a new song on the radio instantly caught my attention, "Make It Real" by the Jets. It focused attention on how I felt about my situation with Chip. The song is a very cheesy 80s, one-hit-wonder, that just seemed appropriate, especially since they were the same religion as him.
I obsessed over this song for weeks. I thought about how much a like him and wanted him to know. Part of me hoped that maybe I could have the happy ending of going to prom with him.
The silly, foolish, and romantic part of me typed up the words to the song one day. I folded the paper in such a way that it made a ring. On a not-well-thought-out whim, I added left the song hanging around the antenna of his car and said that I'd meet him in the student parking lot the following day if he wanted to know who I was.
I took a bathroom break out of my class that next day and sat between two cars a few away from his, hidden from view. I really didn't know if he'd show. The cars were parked in such a way that he didn't notice me as he walked past. I was nervous to pop my head up but felt obligated since he had bothered to come.
I'm sure he was disappointed to find it was me. He was nice enough about it, not saying anything mean or improper. His friends had actually discovered the note first and made fun of him. The girl he had a crush on was someone in his English class. I knew her from another class and guessed as much as he that she probably was not interested in him (and barely knew him).
It's probably one of the more bizarre choices I made back in high school. At least, the person I had to face was polite and nice about it. I still can't believe I had such nerve.
My real question is why I get so wrapped in boys? Sure, it's fine to have those crushes and cases of puppy love. Where did I get these wild ideas from? How have these habits shaped who I am and how I approach relationships with men? Sometimes I worry about how I process my emotions and react to them. The intensity can be unhealthy and painful when there are things end badly.
These days, I will admit to imagining, fantasizing - silly, crazy things like this, but I never act out on anything. Am I a little crazy or do most girls go through a phase like this?
In the early years, I can recall many boys with whom I played chase - Shawn, Robby, Carl, and Donald. It's funny to think about all that time running around the school playground or neighborhood parks trying to get away. If and when the boys caught the girls, what were they supposed to do next?
Donald was the smart, cute boy who lived down the street from me. We were in the same third-grade class. I'd always catch a glimpse of his house every time I went to Sister's house to play. She played chase with Donald's younger brother Brian. My obsessiveness about boys probably started then.
I remember listening to one of my favorite singers at the time, Olivia Newton-John. She had this old song that I absolutely loved, "I Honestly Love You," that felt totally appropriate for what I wanted to say to Donald. I'm not sure, but I think I once wrote down all the words from the song and dreamed of sharing them with him. Boy, that would have freaked him out!
For a couple years in high school, I had a crush on this sweet boy, Chip. We worked together as library volunteers. I was always excited when we overlapped shifts. He was a genuinely nice guy and we enjoyed chatting together as we shelved books. He'd play little jokes on me like pushing out a book in my aisle that I'd half to pick up and reshelve.
I wasn't exactly a mature teenager. I had no experience with boys and didn't have the greatest communication skills (and still don't). There was no way I would ever do any asking out or overt flirting. He wasn't exactly the outgoing type either. His religion, I assumed at the time, would not allow him to be interested in someone like me. (Oh, how many times I assumed being Asian prevented people from liking me.)
He stopped working at the library before senior year. Still, we'd say "hello" to each other in the hallways. I missed talking to him. Several months before prom, a new song on the radio instantly caught my attention, "Make It Real" by the Jets. It focused attention on how I felt about my situation with Chip. The song is a very cheesy 80s, one-hit-wonder, that just seemed appropriate, especially since they were the same religion as him.
I obsessed over this song for weeks. I thought about how much a like him and wanted him to know. Part of me hoped that maybe I could have the happy ending of going to prom with him.
The silly, foolish, and romantic part of me typed up the words to the song one day. I folded the paper in such a way that it made a ring. On a not-well-thought-out whim, I added left the song hanging around the antenna of his car and said that I'd meet him in the student parking lot the following day if he wanted to know who I was.
I took a bathroom break out of my class that next day and sat between two cars a few away from his, hidden from view. I really didn't know if he'd show. The cars were parked in such a way that he didn't notice me as he walked past. I was nervous to pop my head up but felt obligated since he had bothered to come.
I'm sure he was disappointed to find it was me. He was nice enough about it, not saying anything mean or improper. His friends had actually discovered the note first and made fun of him. The girl he had a crush on was someone in his English class. I knew her from another class and guessed as much as he that she probably was not interested in him (and barely knew him).
It's probably one of the more bizarre choices I made back in high school. At least, the person I had to face was polite and nice about it. I still can't believe I had such nerve.
My real question is why I get so wrapped in boys? Sure, it's fine to have those crushes and cases of puppy love. Where did I get these wild ideas from? How have these habits shaped who I am and how I approach relationships with men? Sometimes I worry about how I process my emotions and react to them. The intensity can be unhealthy and painful when there are things end badly.
These days, I will admit to imagining, fantasizing - silly, crazy things like this, but I never act out on anything. Am I a little crazy or do most girls go through a phase like this?
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Geeks and honesty
From the special features of the "Stranger Than Fiction" DVD:
"Geeks, if anything, are overly honest about what's true, or not. If something is true, it just has to be said."
This statement hit home for me. It reminds me of my mother's complaint that my brother are I are too honest with other people. She thinks we were raised too honest and so people take advantage of us.
It also speaks a bit to my habit of thinking aloud. I tend to inform people of facts, unsolicited, that I think are helpful to people. Unfortunately, I've learned over the years that most people who don't know me well don't appreciate my well-intentioned comments. It's a tough habit to break because my mouth moves tem times faster than my brain. Plus, it's still hard for me to sometimes understand that my "trivia" is not interesting to them.
You have no idea how hard this is for me. Everyone tells me, "say it to yourself first," or "just don't say it." It doesn't work like that. If you're used to saying, "hello" when you answer the phone, how long would it take to completely start saying something different like, "good day?" It's not the best analogy, but when you're used to something, it's tough to rewire the brain as if you're changing where you sit on the bus.
Loved this movie, by the way. The geek in me thought all the technical displays of his thoughts and counting were cool, especially in the men's restroom with the soap dispensers.
I'm off on vacation now... talk to you all after Memorial Day.
"Geeks, if anything, are overly honest about what's true, or not. If something is true, it just has to be said."
This statement hit home for me. It reminds me of my mother's complaint that my brother are I are too honest with other people. She thinks we were raised too honest and so people take advantage of us.
It also speaks a bit to my habit of thinking aloud. I tend to inform people of facts, unsolicited, that I think are helpful to people. Unfortunately, I've learned over the years that most people who don't know me well don't appreciate my well-intentioned comments. It's a tough habit to break because my mouth moves tem times faster than my brain. Plus, it's still hard for me to sometimes understand that my "trivia" is not interesting to them.
You have no idea how hard this is for me. Everyone tells me, "say it to yourself first," or "just don't say it." It doesn't work like that. If you're used to saying, "hello" when you answer the phone, how long would it take to completely start saying something different like, "good day?" It's not the best analogy, but when you're used to something, it's tough to rewire the brain as if you're changing where you sit on the bus.
Loved this movie, by the way. The geek in me thought all the technical displays of his thoughts and counting were cool, especially in the men's restroom with the soap dispensers.
I'm off on vacation now... talk to you all after Memorial Day.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
That time of year
For most people, this is a time of new beginnings. Spring has arrived, it's getting warmer, lighter, and all the blossoms are blooming. At any given moment, it's just wonderful being outdoors (most of the time).
That would be totally true for me except for one thing - my birthday is next week. Whether I try to enjoy it or try to ignore it, it ends up making my life miserable. Sometime I don't know that it's even necessarily my birthday. For whatever reason, the weeks before end up being annoying and emotionally unstable.
While everyone else has their birthdays planned by others (i.e. a significant other, roommate, or best friend), no one really remembers mine until the last minute. Sadly, I don't recall a single year in my life that I've had a boyfriend plan a group event for my birthday. I feel so invisible. For that reason, I tend to avoid making a big deal of mine. It's easier than face disappointment. Each year that I've tried to plan something for myself - say a dinner or a casual get together for games, it ends up stressing me out.
The same has happened this year. At first, I thought I'd just ignore that damn day. But then I thought I'd just make it into an excuse to have a nice dinner. No mention of the word "birthday" and I have every intend of paying for myself. As it turns out, the stress of deciding who to invite and who would come just made me disappointed, nervous, and anxious.
Now, a couple girlfriends want to arrange a girls' day out to mark my birthday. It's a really sweet gesture. They asked if there's anything in particular I'd like to do. Honestly, I can't think of a darn thing. I want them to have fun, and I know I eventually would. [sigh] The thing is the idea of spending my day with all my married girlfriends feels incredibly depressing to me.
As much as I value my close friends, it becomes more painful every year to be the outsider. It's more noticeable because there are no other single gals in my immediate circle of friends and more people are starting families. Naturally, when we get together, they compare notes about couple things whether it be deciding on a paint color or who's husband spends more time talking about politics. I just clam up. What could I possibly contribute to the conversation? It's that or they turn the conversation on me and ask whether I'm dating, why I'm not, or why Tim and I are still just friends. It's exhausting.
If they manage to plan something, I'll go along with it. I just pray that I can be positive and enjoy myself.
That would be totally true for me except for one thing - my birthday is next week. Whether I try to enjoy it or try to ignore it, it ends up making my life miserable. Sometime I don't know that it's even necessarily my birthday. For whatever reason, the weeks before end up being annoying and emotionally unstable.
While everyone else has their birthdays planned by others (i.e. a significant other, roommate, or best friend), no one really remembers mine until the last minute. Sadly, I don't recall a single year in my life that I've had a boyfriend plan a group event for my birthday. I feel so invisible. For that reason, I tend to avoid making a big deal of mine. It's easier than face disappointment. Each year that I've tried to plan something for myself - say a dinner or a casual get together for games, it ends up stressing me out.
The same has happened this year. At first, I thought I'd just ignore that damn day. But then I thought I'd just make it into an excuse to have a nice dinner. No mention of the word "birthday" and I have every intend of paying for myself. As it turns out, the stress of deciding who to invite and who would come just made me disappointed, nervous, and anxious.
Now, a couple girlfriends want to arrange a girls' day out to mark my birthday. It's a really sweet gesture. They asked if there's anything in particular I'd like to do. Honestly, I can't think of a darn thing. I want them to have fun, and I know I eventually would. [sigh] The thing is the idea of spending my day with all my married girlfriends feels incredibly depressing to me.
As much as I value my close friends, it becomes more painful every year to be the outsider. It's more noticeable because there are no other single gals in my immediate circle of friends and more people are starting families. Naturally, when we get together, they compare notes about couple things whether it be deciding on a paint color or who's husband spends more time talking about politics. I just clam up. What could I possibly contribute to the conversation? It's that or they turn the conversation on me and ask whether I'm dating, why I'm not, or why Tim and I are still just friends. It's exhausting.
If they manage to plan something, I'll go along with it. I just pray that I can be positive and enjoy myself.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
What's culturally important
For whatever reason, the question of ethnicity was really on my mind the other day. In the melting pot we call home, I often wonder how future generations of Asian-Americans will identify with the ethnic background versus their homeland. Among the first-generation people I know and have met, there are still ties to their mother countries. It manifests itself in a variety of ways - choosing to live in ethnic neighborhoods, speaking something other than English at home, going to visit country X regularly, etc.
The second generation (that includes myself) gets the best and maybe the worst of both worlds. We adapt to the freedoms that living here provides. We appreciate a variety of foods and practices. For those of us who don't naturally blend into crowd (i.e. not white) we sometimes face discrimination. When we are among people who look like us, they often expect us to understand a foreign language fluently or share the same opinions. We grow up trying to reconcile differences between our American values and the values our parents pass down from their upbringing.
What happens as the generation pass? Those who remain within ethnic enclaves such as a Chinatown or Little Saigon might be more insulated from American cultural influences. I guess my thoughts look more towards upwardly mobile families that move to the suburbs to raise their families. How well are they able to instill an understanding and appreciation for cultural heritage among their children? Is it realistic to expect the 3rd, 4th, 5th generations to be Asian?
I ask this because taking my language course strengthens my desire to expose my future children to as much Asian culture as possible. The thing is, I don't consider myself very Asian sometimes. I have friends who speak to their parent only in their native tongue, are familiar with all the traditions and superstitions around events like Lunar New Year, Red Egg and Ginger parties, and the Autumn Moon Festival, and hold tight to family traditions. In my upbringing, my dad tried as much as possible to Americanize me, and therefore did not send to extra schooling on weekends. My dad would laugh if I told him how important the idea was to me because he knows how little I could teach to my kids and that it won't really matter in the long run.
It won't matter because over time, people will mix. In this part of country, it's probably unusually apparent. Among Asians, we are cross-marrying. Overall, the melting pot will take time and will probably more influenced by Hispanics than Asians.
All this setup brings me to my ruminations. For a long time now, I have pursued dating with the thought that I would marry someone of the same ethnicity. I thought it would make things easier in terms of family and raising kids. We would share similar values and encourage each other improve our language skills. It was a big plus with Ryan and KT. It's one of the reasons I was uncomfortable dating Tim.
I get mixed opinions from my friends. Some say I'm not being fair and limiting my chances for happiness. Other people say that if it's important that I should focus there.
But now, I stop to think about some of the guys I could potentially date. I've always been open myself to meeting all Asians, though perhaps I'm trying harder these days. That means I could end up liking someone who is a banana (yellow on the outside, white on the inside) or someone of another ethnicity who shares little background in common. How would that change what I can pass to my children? Would I really miss not being able to speak to someone in my parents' tongue?
When I go to my language class, I am reminded that there are men out there who are wanting to learn the language of their girlfriend/wife. It's a gesture I'd really admire. I don't know the reasons in each case, but I can tell you that if I had someone who learned for me (without me pushing him hard to do so), I would believe the man truly loves and understands me.
In the end, the language is not so important. I know that, but it's this feeling of familiarity, of connection that perhaps I'm afraid of losing which I associate with speaking the language. What matters is finding someone I love, who loves me, who share similar values and ideals about life and living. If I find that, maybe the rest will come naturally, and I won't have to worry about feeling like a lost soul.
The second generation (that includes myself) gets the best and maybe the worst of both worlds. We adapt to the freedoms that living here provides. We appreciate a variety of foods and practices. For those of us who don't naturally blend into crowd (i.e. not white) we sometimes face discrimination. When we are among people who look like us, they often expect us to understand a foreign language fluently or share the same opinions. We grow up trying to reconcile differences between our American values and the values our parents pass down from their upbringing.
What happens as the generation pass? Those who remain within ethnic enclaves such as a Chinatown or Little Saigon might be more insulated from American cultural influences. I guess my thoughts look more towards upwardly mobile families that move to the suburbs to raise their families. How well are they able to instill an understanding and appreciation for cultural heritage among their children? Is it realistic to expect the 3rd, 4th, 5th generations to be Asian?
I ask this because taking my language course strengthens my desire to expose my future children to as much Asian culture as possible. The thing is, I don't consider myself very Asian sometimes. I have friends who speak to their parent only in their native tongue, are familiar with all the traditions and superstitions around events like Lunar New Year, Red Egg and Ginger parties, and the Autumn Moon Festival, and hold tight to family traditions. In my upbringing, my dad tried as much as possible to Americanize me, and therefore did not send to extra schooling on weekends. My dad would laugh if I told him how important the idea was to me because he knows how little I could teach to my kids and that it won't really matter in the long run.
It won't matter because over time, people will mix. In this part of country, it's probably unusually apparent. Among Asians, we are cross-marrying. Overall, the melting pot will take time and will probably more influenced by Hispanics than Asians.
All this setup brings me to my ruminations. For a long time now, I have pursued dating with the thought that I would marry someone of the same ethnicity. I thought it would make things easier in terms of family and raising kids. We would share similar values and encourage each other improve our language skills. It was a big plus with Ryan and KT. It's one of the reasons I was uncomfortable dating Tim.
I get mixed opinions from my friends. Some say I'm not being fair and limiting my chances for happiness. Other people say that if it's important that I should focus there.
But now, I stop to think about some of the guys I could potentially date. I've always been open myself to meeting all Asians, though perhaps I'm trying harder these days. That means I could end up liking someone who is a banana (yellow on the outside, white on the inside) or someone of another ethnicity who shares little background in common. How would that change what I can pass to my children? Would I really miss not being able to speak to someone in my parents' tongue?
When I go to my language class, I am reminded that there are men out there who are wanting to learn the language of their girlfriend/wife. It's a gesture I'd really admire. I don't know the reasons in each case, but I can tell you that if I had someone who learned for me (without me pushing him hard to do so), I would believe the man truly loves and understands me.
In the end, the language is not so important. I know that, but it's this feeling of familiarity, of connection that perhaps I'm afraid of losing which I associate with speaking the language. What matters is finding someone I love, who loves me, who share similar values and ideals about life and living. If I find that, maybe the rest will come naturally, and I won't have to worry about feeling like a lost soul.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Vanity on the rise
I heard about this on the radio coming into work. Then I saw this article at CNN with more in-depth discussion of the study. I couldn't help be curious and think back to a posting where Anna May looked into this disorder.
I've always thought of narcissism as an extreme disorder. I'm sure everyone exhibits some elements of narcissism because it's natural to protect oneself over others. At the same time, I would agree that I think people are much more self-focused these days. We live alone longer which contributes to that. Being famous and having bling factor have (unfortunately) become an obsession for much of American society. Everyone seems to want their 15-minutes of fame be it through reality television or the Internet.
I was looking at some diagnosis guidelines for NPD. You are supposed to fit at least five of the descriptions to be diagnosed. Perhaps I act in some of these fashions once in awhile but never consistently.
Thinking about it, I wonder if my mix of Asian and American culture changes how I perceive things. I was probably subconsciously taught to be humble. My parents stressed good grades but never rewarded in a way that implied I was better than others. Maybe I'm suffering from low self-esteem and could have used a little "you're special" praise from time to time as a child.
Let's look at the three examples statements they gave from the inventory assessment were:
"If I ruled the world, it would be a better place."
I'd like to think I could offer more sensible and practical ways to live and treat each other, but I don't see myself as a ruler. However, my neighbor not blasting her surround sound after 12AM would be one public annoyance I'd like to enforce. x(
"I think I am a special person."
Yeah... no. I think I have unique talents, but that doesn't make me special in all cases. I hate people who think and act that way around others they don't know. Everyone deserves to feel special on occasion - that's why we pay money to go to the spa for a day or stay a night at a luxury hotel.
"I can live my life any way I want to."
This seems like a very dangerous attitude. To me, this reads I can do whatever I want regardless of how it may affect other people. You can't because you have to responsible and considerate of other people. If everyone had that attitude we'd have anarchy. Then again, maybe I'd live my life differently if I wasn't always considering what's expected of me.
I'd be curious to know how groups from other countries would score on this standardized inventory. How do they think in Europe and in Asia?
----------------------------------------------------------------
Study: Vanity on the rise among college students
NEW YORK (AP) -- Today's college students are more narcissistic and self-centered than their predecessors, according to a comprehensive new study by five psychologists who worry that the trend could be harmful to personal relationships and American society.
"We need to stop endlessly repeating 'You're special' and having children repeat that back," said the study's lead author, Professor Jean Twenge of San Diego State University. "Kids are self-centered enough already."
Twenge and her colleagues, in findings to be presented at a workshop Tuesday in San Diego on the generation gap, examined the responses of 16,475 college students nationwide who completed an evaluation called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory between 1982 and 2006.
The standardized inventory, known as the NPI, asks for responses to such statements as "If I ruled the world, it would be a better place," "I think I am a special person" and "I can live my life any way I want to."
The researchers describe their study as the largest ever of its type and say students' NPI scores have risen steadily since the current test was introduced in 1982. By 2006, they said, two-thirds of the students had above-average scores, 30 percent more than in 1982.
Narcissism can have benefits, said study co-author W. Keith Campbell of the University of Georgia, suggesting it could be useful in meeting new people "or auditioning on 'American Idol."'
"Unfortunately, narcissism can also have very negative consequences for society, including the breakdown of close relationships with others," he said.
The study asserts that narcissists "are more likely to have romantic relationships that are short-lived, at risk for infidelity, lack emotional warmth, and to exhibit game-playing, dishonesty, and over-controlling and violent behaviors."
Twenge, the author of "Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled -- and More Miserable Than Ever Before," said narcissists tend to lack empathy, react aggressively to criticism and favor self-promotion over helping others.
The researchers traced the phenomenon back to what they called the "self-esteem movement" that emerged in the 1980s, asserting that the effort to build self-confidence had gone too far.
As an example, Twenge cited a song commonly sung to the tune of "Frere Jacques" in preschool: "I am special, I am special. Look at me."
"Current technology fuels the increase in narcissism," Twenge said. "By its very name, MySpace encourages attention-seeking, as does YouTube."
Some analysts have commended today's young people for increased commitment to volunteer work. But Twenge viewed even this phenomenon skeptically, noting that many high schools require community service and many youths feel pressure to list such endeavors on college applications.
Campbell said the narcissism upsurge seemed so pronounced that he was unsure if there were obvious remedies.
"Permissiveness seems to be a component," he said. "A potential antidote would be more authoritative parenting. Less indulgence might be called for."
The new report follows a study released by UCLA last month which found that nearly three-quarters of the freshmen it surveyed thought it was important to be "very well-off financially." That compared with 62.5 percent who said the same in 1980 and 42 percent in 1966.
Yet students, while acknowledging some legitimacy to such findings, don't necessarily accept negative generalizations about their generation.
Hanady Kader, a University of Washington senior, said she worked unpaid last summer helping resettle refugees and considers many of her peers to be civic-minded. But she is dismayed by the competitiveness of some students who seem prematurely focused on career status.
"We're encouraged a lot to be individuals and go out there and do what you want, and nobody should stand in your way," Kader said. "I can see goals and ambitions getting in the way of other things like relationships."
Kari Dalane, a University of Vermont sophomore, says most of her contemporaries are politically active and not overly self-centered.
"People are worried about themselves -- but in the sense of where are they're going to find a place in the world," she said. "People want to look their best, have a good time, but it doesn't mean they're not concerned about the rest of the world."
Besides, some of the responses on the narcissism test might not be worrisome, Dalane said. "It would be more depressing if people answered, 'No, I'm not special."'
Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
I've always thought of narcissism as an extreme disorder. I'm sure everyone exhibits some elements of narcissism because it's natural to protect oneself over others. At the same time, I would agree that I think people are much more self-focused these days. We live alone longer which contributes to that. Being famous and having bling factor have (unfortunately) become an obsession for much of American society. Everyone seems to want their 15-minutes of fame be it through reality television or the Internet.
I was looking at some diagnosis guidelines for NPD. You are supposed to fit at least five of the descriptions to be diagnosed. Perhaps I act in some of these fashions once in awhile but never consistently.
Thinking about it, I wonder if my mix of Asian and American culture changes how I perceive things. I was probably subconsciously taught to be humble. My parents stressed good grades but never rewarded in a way that implied I was better than others. Maybe I'm suffering from low self-esteem and could have used a little "you're special" praise from time to time as a child.
Let's look at the three examples statements they gave from the inventory assessment were:
"If I ruled the world, it would be a better place."
I'd like to think I could offer more sensible and practical ways to live and treat each other, but I don't see myself as a ruler. However, my neighbor not blasting her surround sound after 12AM would be one public annoyance I'd like to enforce. x(
"I think I am a special person."
Yeah... no. I think I have unique talents, but that doesn't make me special in all cases. I hate people who think and act that way around others they don't know. Everyone deserves to feel special on occasion - that's why we pay money to go to the spa for a day or stay a night at a luxury hotel.
"I can live my life any way I want to."
This seems like a very dangerous attitude. To me, this reads I can do whatever I want regardless of how it may affect other people. You can't because you have to responsible and considerate of other people. If everyone had that attitude we'd have anarchy. Then again, maybe I'd live my life differently if I wasn't always considering what's expected of me.
I'd be curious to know how groups from other countries would score on this standardized inventory. How do they think in Europe and in Asia?
----------------------------------------------------------------
Study: Vanity on the rise among college students
NEW YORK (AP) -- Today's college students are more narcissistic and self-centered than their predecessors, according to a comprehensive new study by five psychologists who worry that the trend could be harmful to personal relationships and American society.
"We need to stop endlessly repeating 'You're special' and having children repeat that back," said the study's lead author, Professor Jean Twenge of San Diego State University. "Kids are self-centered enough already."
Twenge and her colleagues, in findings to be presented at a workshop Tuesday in San Diego on the generation gap, examined the responses of 16,475 college students nationwide who completed an evaluation called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory between 1982 and 2006.
The standardized inventory, known as the NPI, asks for responses to such statements as "If I ruled the world, it would be a better place," "I think I am a special person" and "I can live my life any way I want to."
The researchers describe their study as the largest ever of its type and say students' NPI scores have risen steadily since the current test was introduced in 1982. By 2006, they said, two-thirds of the students had above-average scores, 30 percent more than in 1982.
Narcissism can have benefits, said study co-author W. Keith Campbell of the University of Georgia, suggesting it could be useful in meeting new people "or auditioning on 'American Idol."'
"Unfortunately, narcissism can also have very negative consequences for society, including the breakdown of close relationships with others," he said.
The study asserts that narcissists "are more likely to have romantic relationships that are short-lived, at risk for infidelity, lack emotional warmth, and to exhibit game-playing, dishonesty, and over-controlling and violent behaviors."
Twenge, the author of "Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled -- and More Miserable Than Ever Before," said narcissists tend to lack empathy, react aggressively to criticism and favor self-promotion over helping others.
The researchers traced the phenomenon back to what they called the "self-esteem movement" that emerged in the 1980s, asserting that the effort to build self-confidence had gone too far.
As an example, Twenge cited a song commonly sung to the tune of "Frere Jacques" in preschool: "I am special, I am special. Look at me."
"Current technology fuels the increase in narcissism," Twenge said. "By its very name, MySpace encourages attention-seeking, as does YouTube."
Some analysts have commended today's young people for increased commitment to volunteer work. But Twenge viewed even this phenomenon skeptically, noting that many high schools require community service and many youths feel pressure to list such endeavors on college applications.
Campbell said the narcissism upsurge seemed so pronounced that he was unsure if there were obvious remedies.
"Permissiveness seems to be a component," he said. "A potential antidote would be more authoritative parenting. Less indulgence might be called for."
The new report follows a study released by UCLA last month which found that nearly three-quarters of the freshmen it surveyed thought it was important to be "very well-off financially." That compared with 62.5 percent who said the same in 1980 and 42 percent in 1966.
Yet students, while acknowledging some legitimacy to such findings, don't necessarily accept negative generalizations about their generation.
Hanady Kader, a University of Washington senior, said she worked unpaid last summer helping resettle refugees and considers many of her peers to be civic-minded. But she is dismayed by the competitiveness of some students who seem prematurely focused on career status.
"We're encouraged a lot to be individuals and go out there and do what you want, and nobody should stand in your way," Kader said. "I can see goals and ambitions getting in the way of other things like relationships."
Kari Dalane, a University of Vermont sophomore, says most of her contemporaries are politically active and not overly self-centered.
"People are worried about themselves -- but in the sense of where are they're going to find a place in the world," she said. "People want to look their best, have a good time, but it doesn't mean they're not concerned about the rest of the world."
Besides, some of the responses on the narcissism test might not be worrisome, Dalane said. "It would be more depressing if people answered, 'No, I'm not special."'
Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Left and Right Brains
After reading a posting about expressions on faces, I remembered this old topic I studied once in high school. I made it into a competitive speech that made it to state finals.
At the beginning of the speech, I would tell everyone to clasp their hands together (so that your fingers interlock) and note whether: your left thumb rests on top, your right thumb rests on top, or the two thumbs are side by side.
It was really fun to learn about how the two hemispheres control different physical and mental functions. As children we tend to lean rely more heavily on one side versus the other. For example, as toddlers, boys right brains tend to be larger because they develop physical skills earlier while girls develop their left brains earlier as they start talking sooner. This is not always true, however, and is also influenced by a variety of things. Handedness is an influence because each side of the brain controls the *opposite* side of the body. (And so the answer to the above clasping of the hands is that the top thumb indicates which side of the brain is supposed to be more dominant.) As we grow into adults, most will use both sides of the brain equally.
Many of these observations began by observing people with brain damage such as those who suffer a stroke and people who've received surgery for illnesses such as epilepsy or mental illness. Check Wikipedia for more details. I wish I had kept that library book I learned it all from... .
This quiz is not at all me... unless I have an alter-ego that I am unaware of. ;)
At the beginning of the speech, I would tell everyone to clasp their hands together (so that your fingers interlock) and note whether: your left thumb rests on top, your right thumb rests on top, or the two thumbs are side by side.
It was really fun to learn about how the two hemispheres control different physical and mental functions. As children we tend to lean rely more heavily on one side versus the other. For example, as toddlers, boys right brains tend to be larger because they develop physical skills earlier while girls develop their left brains earlier as they start talking sooner. This is not always true, however, and is also influenced by a variety of things. Handedness is an influence because each side of the brain controls the *opposite* side of the body. (And so the answer to the above clasping of the hands is that the top thumb indicates which side of the brain is supposed to be more dominant.) As we grow into adults, most will use both sides of the brain equally.
Many of these observations began by observing people with brain damage such as those who suffer a stroke and people who've received surgery for illnesses such as epilepsy or mental illness. Check Wikipedia for more details. I wish I had kept that library book I learned it all from... .
This quiz is not at all me... unless I have an alter-ego that I am unaware of. ;)
| You Are 25% Left Brained, 75% Right Brained |
 The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports. |
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Music that's relaxing to me
I have an old stereo system with a radio, double tape cassette player/recorder, and 5-disc CD changer. Randomly piled in front of and on top of the system are a variety of CDs - Rent, Enya, Sarah Mclachlan, swing classics, Madonna, and Suzanne Vega.
The thing is, the only CD actually in the player that I bother listening to is "The Best of James Taylor." I love cooking, reading, writing on the computer with his music in the background be it "Fire and Rain" or "How Sweet It Is" (which would make for a wonderful wedding song someday). His voice is awesome and the music upbeat but mellow and honest.
I can't help sit here and wonder if anyone I know would ever appreciate this music. I don't know anyone who listens to him. I'm just such a fuddy duddy. :p
The thing is, the only CD actually in the player that I bother listening to is "The Best of James Taylor." I love cooking, reading, writing on the computer with his music in the background be it "Fire and Rain" or "How Sweet It Is" (which would make for a wonderful wedding song someday). His voice is awesome and the music upbeat but mellow and honest.
I can't help sit here and wonder if anyone I know would ever appreciate this music. I don't know anyone who listens to him. I'm just such a fuddy duddy. :p
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
List day
Copied this from Zerodoll. I haven't filled one out in sometime.
1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
"Do my freckles look paler?"
2. How much cash do you have on you?
$22 and some change
3. What’s a word that rhymes with “DOOR?”
More
4. Favorite planet?
Saturn
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
I only have "received" and "dialed" calls, so I can't say.
6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
On my old Nokia I have a very simple escalation of bell tones.
7. What shirt are you wearing?
Raspberry Gap tee over a black, polka-dot H&M long-sleeve tee.
8. Do you “label” yourself?
No.
9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?
Nine West
10. Bright or Dark Room?
Light room, it wakes me up in the morning
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
Seems like a mellow and friendly city gal.
12. What does your watch look like?
What watch?
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Trying to stop thinking so that I could fall asleep
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
It was unauthorized spam asking if I wanted to sell my timeshare.
15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
Three and a half blocks south
16. Whats a word that you say a lot?
Lame
17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
Good question
18. Last furry thing you touched?
A big orange cat and my friend's aunt's house
19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
None
20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
Three plus the one still in my camera... and the film was more than a year old before I exposed it.
21. Favorite age you have been so far?
31 - everything seemed to be falling into place
22. Your worst enemy?
Myself
23. What is your current desktop picture?
The characters from the Lego Star Wars video game
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
Sounds good
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
Fly
26. Do you like someone?
Not really
27. The last song you listened to?
Can't recall
28. What time of day were you born?
9:30pm CST
29. Whats your favorite number?
19
30. Where did you live in 1987?
SoCal
31. Are you jealous of anyone?
People who are happily married
32. Is anyone jealous of you?
Married women when they're annoyed with their husbands.
33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
I was staying with a friend before flying out in a couple days to catch up with friends on a European vacation.
34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Curse and leave a complaint note.
35. Do you consider yourself kind?
Probably depends on the situation. I try to be.
36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
Ankle
37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Chinese
38. Would you move for the person you loved?
Most likely
39. Are you touchy feely?
With the right person
40. What’s your life motto?
Always try something new
41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Literally "on" or carrying? "On" would be eyebrow liner, lip gloss, and earrings. Carrying would include keys, cash, and a pen.
42. What’s your favourite town/city?
Paris
43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
My breakfast oatmeal - $1.25
44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
Xmas cards last year
45. Can you change the oil on a car?
No
46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
Actually, he committed suicide in high school, and I attended his funeral. If we're talking about adulthood, then I already mentioned it here.
47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
Probably just the grandparents and some vague information about my great grandfather being associated with the Boxer rebellion group.
48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
A turquoise, shantung silk, strapless dress that I bought on sale for my brother's wedding.
49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
The bone joint where my big toe connects to the base of my foot. It must be due to the shoes I wore yesterday.
50. Have you been burned by love?
Would I still be single if I hadn't?
1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
"Do my freckles look paler?"
2. How much cash do you have on you?
$22 and some change
3. What’s a word that rhymes with “DOOR?”
More
4. Favorite planet?
Saturn
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
I only have "received" and "dialed" calls, so I can't say.
6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
On my old Nokia I have a very simple escalation of bell tones.
7. What shirt are you wearing?
Raspberry Gap tee over a black, polka-dot H&M long-sleeve tee.
8. Do you “label” yourself?
No.
9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?
Nine West
10. Bright or Dark Room?
Light room, it wakes me up in the morning
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
Seems like a mellow and friendly city gal.
12. What does your watch look like?
What watch?
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Trying to stop thinking so that I could fall asleep
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
It was unauthorized spam asking if I wanted to sell my timeshare.
15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
Three and a half blocks south
16. Whats a word that you say a lot?
Lame
17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
Good question
18. Last furry thing you touched?
A big orange cat and my friend's aunt's house
19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
None
20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
Three plus the one still in my camera... and the film was more than a year old before I exposed it.
21. Favorite age you have been so far?
31 - everything seemed to be falling into place
22. Your worst enemy?
Myself
23. What is your current desktop picture?
The characters from the Lego Star Wars video game
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
Sounds good
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
Fly
26. Do you like someone?
Not really
27. The last song you listened to?
Can't recall
28. What time of day were you born?
9:30pm CST
29. Whats your favorite number?
19
30. Where did you live in 1987?
SoCal
31. Are you jealous of anyone?
People who are happily married
32. Is anyone jealous of you?
Married women when they're annoyed with their husbands.
33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
I was staying with a friend before flying out in a couple days to catch up with friends on a European vacation.
34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Curse and leave a complaint note.
35. Do you consider yourself kind?
Probably depends on the situation. I try to be.
36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
Ankle
37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Chinese
38. Would you move for the person you loved?
Most likely
39. Are you touchy feely?
With the right person
40. What’s your life motto?
Always try something new
41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Literally "on" or carrying? "On" would be eyebrow liner, lip gloss, and earrings. Carrying would include keys, cash, and a pen.
42. What’s your favourite town/city?
Paris
43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
My breakfast oatmeal - $1.25
44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
Xmas cards last year
45. Can you change the oil on a car?
No
46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
Actually, he committed suicide in high school, and I attended his funeral. If we're talking about adulthood, then I already mentioned it here.
47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
Probably just the grandparents and some vague information about my great grandfather being associated with the Boxer rebellion group.
48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
A turquoise, shantung silk, strapless dress that I bought on sale for my brother's wedding.
49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
The bone joint where my big toe connects to the base of my foot. It must be due to the shoes I wore yesterday.
50. Have you been burned by love?
Would I still be single if I hadn't?
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Disconnects
Observations that I'm not sure what to do with:
1) People always think I'm younger than I actually am.
How does that affect my credibility at work? I can only imagine how differently I might be treated if people didn't think I was some young college graduate rather than someone who's had three careers and been in this particular field for 5+ years. (Being taller would probably help as well.)
Just how much younger than 35 do I look and act? This is why I can't let my hair get too long; it takes five years off my age and therefore doesn't look professional. I work with people who aren't more than 10 years older than me and I feel soooo much less "adult." This all goes back to being an only child and not being social enough as a kid. Who knew that partying and drinking in college can be considered skill development?
Does that affect the chances of getting asked out by certain men? This is one of those catch-22s where the older men think I'm too young for them (minus the creepy old men) and the younger men realize I'm too old. At least, that's how I feel sometimes.
2) I don't get asked to partner up for activities. Then people are always surprised I didn't get asked (both genders).
Do people assume I'm already "taken," leaving me high and dry? It's just a theory, I have no idea. There have been a couple of times, in hindsight, comments from people gave me the impression that since I present myself as confident and outgoing that I can't possibly be single or lacking a partner.
Am I somehow unapproachable? Intimidating maybe? I'm an Aries - I'm headstrong and always think I know best. (And most times, I am.) Other times, people have indicated that their first impression of me that I can be aloof. It's not that I look down on people or anything. Exactly the opposite, I'm so concerned that people are uninterested in talking to me or that I'm boring that I shy away from introducing myself to others. I do need to work on being less serious.
Do people think I don't like them? I'm very uncomfortable making eye contact with people. I'm afraid I'll imply the wrong message (or be too obvious). Not sure where I learned this habit from.
1) People always think I'm younger than I actually am.
How does that affect my credibility at work? I can only imagine how differently I might be treated if people didn't think I was some young college graduate rather than someone who's had three careers and been in this particular field for 5+ years. (Being taller would probably help as well.)
Just how much younger than 35 do I look and act? This is why I can't let my hair get too long; it takes five years off my age and therefore doesn't look professional. I work with people who aren't more than 10 years older than me and I feel soooo much less "adult." This all goes back to being an only child and not being social enough as a kid. Who knew that partying and drinking in college can be considered skill development?
Does that affect the chances of getting asked out by certain men? This is one of those catch-22s where the older men think I'm too young for them (minus the creepy old men) and the younger men realize I'm too old. At least, that's how I feel sometimes.
2) I don't get asked to partner up for activities. Then people are always surprised I didn't get asked (both genders).
Do people assume I'm already "taken," leaving me high and dry? It's just a theory, I have no idea. There have been a couple of times, in hindsight, comments from people gave me the impression that since I present myself as confident and outgoing that I can't possibly be single or lacking a partner.
Am I somehow unapproachable? Intimidating maybe? I'm an Aries - I'm headstrong and always think I know best. (And most times, I am.) Other times, people have indicated that their first impression of me that I can be aloof. It's not that I look down on people or anything. Exactly the opposite, I'm so concerned that people are uninterested in talking to me or that I'm boring that I shy away from introducing myself to others. I do need to work on being less serious.
Do people think I don't like them? I'm very uncomfortable making eye contact with people. I'm afraid I'll imply the wrong message (or be too obvious). Not sure where I learned this habit from.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Knowing myself better: Part II
[exhale] And now, the other half of the get-to-know-myself questions. Gosh, these are tough.
11) What bores you? What never bores you?
Going to bars and clubs; listening to music.
12) How important is money to you? How much time do you think about it, and what income level do you aspire to?
Sadly, money is the means to many things, especially if one chooses to live where the cost of living is high. I keep track of money, but I probably don't manage it well enough. It's not an obsession, but I believe in trying to get the best from what I spend. Sure, it's be nice to win the lottery, but I would be happy if I had enough to afford a decent house, pay for my kids' educations, and retire comfortably.
13) What is the role of God in your life? What is God like in relation to you?
I don't think I believe in God, at least I don't believe he has a hand in everyone's day-to-day life. Who has time to personally monitor 6 million people?
14) In order, what are your three strongest interests?
This seems like such a simple question, and yet I can't come up with an interesting answer. Or maybe I'm just really boring. I like learning, but I don't have a passion for anything specific. I enjoying planning trips and seeing the world. Cooking, wonderful cooking; it's very therapeutic, and you get something yummy to eat at the end.
15) Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy?
Gee, I hope I don't have one. Sure, there are people who don't like me, but I'd never call them enemies. The only enemy I can think of is myself. There are so many expectations, so many preformed prejudices that end up being obstacles to me being a better, happier person.
16) How important is food to you? Do you think of it very often, and do you feel disciplined in your management of food intake?
I definitely enjoy experiencing a variety of foods. If I have too much salty food I soon need to balance that with something sweet. I'm usually well-disciplined about food although it doesn't reflect what I saw on the scale this week. Gulp!
17) Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you or not? What about it would you especially like or not like?
Deep down, I'm a homebody. I don't need to go far, but I'd like to be around people whom I love and love me. The idea of getting comfortable and enjoying life with someone is totally peaceful.
18) Do you think of yourself as an emotionally healthy person? In what ways are you healthy and in what ways could you improve?
Honestly, no, I think I'm a wreck emotionally. However, my disposition certainly doesn't contribute to my self-esteem. One of the reasons I keep writing is to learn about myself. It helps me recognize and remember the consequences of my behavior. I think the simplest thing I can do to help myself is to think positively and stop worrying about what others think (but that's the hard one for me).
19) What is the role of conflict in your life? Do you argue or fight much with the people closets to you? How does it turn out for you?
I hate conflict. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable because I fear saying the wrong things and hurting other people's feeling, embarrassing myself, or making the situation worse. Whenever I need to have a serious talk with someone, I have to think through the conversation in my mind beforehand. I've learned from past mistakes that avoiding conflict can be as bad or worse than speaking up. It's getting better.
20) What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral?
Hmmmm, there's a scary question. Full of knowledge, loves to help, smart, energetic, outgoing, competitive, hard on myself, capable, independent, good.
I'm not sure whether I like these answers, but this is what came to mind. The question is, what am I supposed to now do with this information? How will this help me identify a man who is suitable to date?
11) What bores you? What never bores you?
Going to bars and clubs; listening to music.
12) How important is money to you? How much time do you think about it, and what income level do you aspire to?
Sadly, money is the means to many things, especially if one chooses to live where the cost of living is high. I keep track of money, but I probably don't manage it well enough. It's not an obsession, but I believe in trying to get the best from what I spend. Sure, it's be nice to win the lottery, but I would be happy if I had enough to afford a decent house, pay for my kids' educations, and retire comfortably.
13) What is the role of God in your life? What is God like in relation to you?
I don't think I believe in God, at least I don't believe he has a hand in everyone's day-to-day life. Who has time to personally monitor 6 million people?
14) In order, what are your three strongest interests?
This seems like such a simple question, and yet I can't come up with an interesting answer. Or maybe I'm just really boring. I like learning, but I don't have a passion for anything specific. I enjoying planning trips and seeing the world. Cooking, wonderful cooking; it's very therapeutic, and you get something yummy to eat at the end.
15) Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy?
Gee, I hope I don't have one. Sure, there are people who don't like me, but I'd never call them enemies. The only enemy I can think of is myself. There are so many expectations, so many preformed prejudices that end up being obstacles to me being a better, happier person.
16) How important is food to you? Do you think of it very often, and do you feel disciplined in your management of food intake?
I definitely enjoy experiencing a variety of foods. If I have too much salty food I soon need to balance that with something sweet. I'm usually well-disciplined about food although it doesn't reflect what I saw on the scale this week. Gulp!
17) Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you or not? What about it would you especially like or not like?
Deep down, I'm a homebody. I don't need to go far, but I'd like to be around people whom I love and love me. The idea of getting comfortable and enjoying life with someone is totally peaceful.
18) Do you think of yourself as an emotionally healthy person? In what ways are you healthy and in what ways could you improve?
Honestly, no, I think I'm a wreck emotionally. However, my disposition certainly doesn't contribute to my self-esteem. One of the reasons I keep writing is to learn about myself. It helps me recognize and remember the consequences of my behavior. I think the simplest thing I can do to help myself is to think positively and stop worrying about what others think (but that's the hard one for me).
19) What is the role of conflict in your life? Do you argue or fight much with the people closets to you? How does it turn out for you?
I hate conflict. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable because I fear saying the wrong things and hurting other people's feeling, embarrassing myself, or making the situation worse. Whenever I need to have a serious talk with someone, I have to think through the conversation in my mind beforehand. I've learned from past mistakes that avoiding conflict can be as bad or worse than speaking up. It's getting better.
20) What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral?
Hmmmm, there's a scary question. Full of knowledge, loves to help, smart, energetic, outgoing, competitive, hard on myself, capable, independent, good.
I'm not sure whether I like these answers, but this is what came to mind. The question is, what am I supposed to now do with this information? How will this help me identify a man who is suitable to date?
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Knowing myself better
Over the weekend, I pulled out this book that I've had on my shelf for three years. Admittedly, I bought one of those self-help books on dating a few years ago. I've probably skimmed it twice but never seem to remember it well. One of its teachings in helping a person know who is a good mate is to know oneself. The author encourages starting that process by answering some questions.
I thought it worth a try:
1) Who is the most important person in your life and why?
This was not as easy to answer as I thought. Of course, I think of my family, but that does not represent ONE person. Honestly, the most important person in my life right now is me. No one else will be there when I get into trouble. Ugh, I've been alone too long. Pathetic. Tim is probably close to the top. If I had a pet, I'd say it was the most important thing in my life.
2) What is the one dream for your life you look most forward to achieving?
No surprise here, I want to create a happy family.
3) Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what does he or she do to make you angry?
Sorry Mom, that would be you. Why do you think I choose to live hundreds of miles away? We have different cultural expectations and priorities. Please stop telling me how to live my life. I know you mean well, but I will never make you happy with my choices. It hurts to know that I will always disappoint you. I hate the person I am sometimes because I know it's because of you.
4) Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what does he or she do to cause you to feel so lovable?
That is most definitely Tim. No matter what stupid things I say and do, he loves me for who I am. He's always happy to see me. He's told me what makes him think I'm a good person; it's nice to hear. (I guess this will be changing.)
5) What is it like being you? More precisely, how do you feel about yourself - emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually?
Eeck, what a question. I accept that my body is not perfect; it never will be. I don't let it stop me from wearing skirts. Men find me decently attractive. I am intelligent and engaging. On the other hand, I can be very difficult to deal with when my insecurities rear up. I know I'm a good person though my negative attitude can hinder me. On the surface, people think I'm outgoing and independent, but they might be surprised to see the girly side of me at home. I'm probably a bit superstitious but not religious.
6) When do you feel inspired? Who and what contribute to your sense of inspiration?
Reading articles and seeing news stories about people who think about unique ways to help others, like this. I wish I had their ingenuity and dedication to a cause.
7) What is the most important thing in the world to you?
My journals (though pictures are a close second). They help me remember who I am, where I've been, what I've learned, and what I need to do.
8) When do you feel most afraid?
When a problem arises I have no one to turn to for help. That's when I realize how alone I am in this world. Or maybe it's when people expect big things of me, and I feel like I have to fake it. What a fraud.
9) If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
If I had someone special in my life, I'd want to being outside enjoying the scenery and sharing thoughts. Otherwise, I'd choose to spend the time at a lodge, talking and playing games with my closest friends. I don't need some big thrill, just time to connect.
10) If you could accomplish one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be?
Raise some well-rounded, happy children.
Next ten questions to be continued...
I thought it worth a try:
1) Who is the most important person in your life and why?
This was not as easy to answer as I thought. Of course, I think of my family, but that does not represent ONE person. Honestly, the most important person in my life right now is me. No one else will be there when I get into trouble. Ugh, I've been alone too long. Pathetic. Tim is probably close to the top. If I had a pet, I'd say it was the most important thing in my life.
2) What is the one dream for your life you look most forward to achieving?
No surprise here, I want to create a happy family.
3) Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what does he or she do to make you angry?
Sorry Mom, that would be you. Why do you think I choose to live hundreds of miles away? We have different cultural expectations and priorities. Please stop telling me how to live my life. I know you mean well, but I will never make you happy with my choices. It hurts to know that I will always disappoint you. I hate the person I am sometimes because I know it's because of you.
4) Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what does he or she do to cause you to feel so lovable?
That is most definitely Tim. No matter what stupid things I say and do, he loves me for who I am. He's always happy to see me. He's told me what makes him think I'm a good person; it's nice to hear. (I guess this will be changing.)
5) What is it like being you? More precisely, how do you feel about yourself - emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually?
Eeck, what a question. I accept that my body is not perfect; it never will be. I don't let it stop me from wearing skirts. Men find me decently attractive. I am intelligent and engaging. On the other hand, I can be very difficult to deal with when my insecurities rear up. I know I'm a good person though my negative attitude can hinder me. On the surface, people think I'm outgoing and independent, but they might be surprised to see the girly side of me at home. I'm probably a bit superstitious but not religious.
6) When do you feel inspired? Who and what contribute to your sense of inspiration?
Reading articles and seeing news stories about people who think about unique ways to help others, like this. I wish I had their ingenuity and dedication to a cause.
7) What is the most important thing in the world to you?
My journals (though pictures are a close second). They help me remember who I am, where I've been, what I've learned, and what I need to do.
8) When do you feel most afraid?
When a problem arises I have no one to turn to for help. That's when I realize how alone I am in this world. Or maybe it's when people expect big things of me, and I feel like I have to fake it. What a fraud.
9) If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
If I had someone special in my life, I'd want to being outside enjoying the scenery and sharing thoughts. Otherwise, I'd choose to spend the time at a lodge, talking and playing games with my closest friends. I don't need some big thrill, just time to connect.
10) If you could accomplish one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be?
Raise some well-rounded, happy children.
Next ten questions to be continued...
Friday, August 18, 2006
Four Things
I've been tagged by Zerodoll.
It's a fun way to start the day...
4 things thing
FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE:
1. Library page
2. Lab rat
3. ERP programmer
3. Crate&Barrel associate
FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:
1. Pride and Prejudice
2. The Incredibles
3. Princess Bride
4. Star Wars
FOUR CITIES YOU'VE LIVED IN:
1. Carlsbad
2. Derby
3. Belmont
4. Berkeley
FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH:
1. Gilmore Girls (only one season left :(()
2. Lost
3. The Amazing Race
4. How I Met Your Mother
I don't have cable, otherwise I'm sure there'd be a couple more.
FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION:
1. Andalucia
2. China
3. NYC
4. Provence
FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY:
1. Dear Abby
2. Yahoo
3. SFGate
4. several blogs
FOUR OF YOUR ALL-TIME FAVORITE RESTAURANTS:
1. Yank Sing
2. Vik's Chaat House
3. Ti Couz
4. Farallon
FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS:
1. Tater tots
2. Blueberries
3.Palmiers Ooo, can I change that to corndogs!?
4. Cheetos
FOUR SCHOOLS YOU'VE ATTENDED:
1. El Paso Elementary
2. Flora Vista Elementary
3. SDHS
4. UC
FOUR THINGS YOU FIND YOURSELF SAYING A LOT:
1. Like
2. Nooo waaaay!
3. Hence...
4. Does that make sense?
FOUR PLACES YOU'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
1. On the couch in my pjs
2. Hawaii
3. shopping in the city
4. Yosemite
It's a fun way to start the day...
4 things thing
FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE:
1. Library page
2. Lab rat
3. ERP programmer
3. Crate&Barrel associate
FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:
1. Pride and Prejudice
2. The Incredibles
3. Princess Bride
4. Star Wars
FOUR CITIES YOU'VE LIVED IN:
1. Carlsbad
2. Derby
3. Belmont
4. Berkeley
FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH:
1. Gilmore Girls (only one season left :(()
2. Lost
3. The Amazing Race
4. How I Met Your Mother
I don't have cable, otherwise I'm sure there'd be a couple more.
FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION:
1. Andalucia
2. China
3. NYC
4. Provence
FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY:
1. Dear Abby
2. Yahoo
3. SFGate
4. several blogs
FOUR OF YOUR ALL-TIME FAVORITE RESTAURANTS:
1. Yank Sing
2. Vik's Chaat House
3. Ti Couz
4. Farallon
FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS:
1. Tater tots
2. Blueberries
3.
4. Cheetos
FOUR SCHOOLS YOU'VE ATTENDED:
1. El Paso Elementary
2. Flora Vista Elementary
3. SDHS
4. UC
FOUR THINGS YOU FIND YOURSELF SAYING A LOT:
1. Like
2. Nooo waaaay!
3. Hence...
4. Does that make sense?
FOUR PLACES YOU'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
1. On the couch in my pjs
2. Hawaii
3. shopping in the city
4. Yosemite
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Ice Cream Personality
I heard about this Ice Cream Personality Test on the radio sometime last year, but never found the article. It's not really a quiz, but it's interesting to see what's traits are associated with a flavors people prefer. This is also more interesting because it's based on research, and being a scientist at heart, that somehow makes it more credible to me (though I'd like to know more details). And... banana ice cream?!??!?
One of my classic favorites is Butter Pecan. I don't actually buy it that often, but I love the flavor. I can't deny that the description does suit me. It seems one would expect me to like Strawberry more than Chocolate as a next choice. I can't remember the last time I ate strawberry ice cream.
I did a little surfing and found a couple other quizes... damn, I still came up as Butter Pecan, how weird is that?
Maybe this explains my dual personality. My friends wouldn't say I'm shy, but if you put me in a room with total strangers, I'd be the quiet gal standing around looking uncomfortable.
***********************
Time to go home and eat some of my yummy B&J's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch until I can buy a pint of Mayan Chocolate! So much for losing some weight. ;)
One of my classic favorites is Butter Pecan. I don't actually buy it that often, but I love the flavor. I can't deny that the description does suit me. It seems one would expect me to like Strawberry more than Chocolate as a next choice. I can't remember the last time I ate strawberry ice cream.
I did a little surfing and found a couple other quizes... damn, I still came up as Butter Pecan, how weird is that?
- What's Your Ice Cream Personality? - Find out which ice cream flavor matches your personality
- Ice Cream Flavorology
- And then, here's the strawberry...
You Are Strawberry Ice Cream 
A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core.
You often find yourself on the outside looking in.
Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works.
You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.
Maybe this explains my dual personality. My friends wouldn't say I'm shy, but if you put me in a room with total strangers, I'd be the quiet gal standing around looking uncomfortable.
***********************
Time to go home and eat some of my yummy B&J's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch until I can buy a pint of Mayan Chocolate! So much for losing some weight. ;)
Friday, July 07, 2006
My take on sibling influence (or lack thereof)
I finally got back around to dissecting the comments made in that Time magazine article I mentioned the other day.
It's a decent, mainstream magazine piece. Naturally, I was attracted to the analysis around elements of my own personality. I've always attributed much of my inability to relate to others to growing up as an "only child"... because my brother came along almost ten years later.
I know I struggle with certain social skills. I notice it often. I feel like an outsider with my friends because of it. At times, I probably come off as self-centered because that's what I knew growing up. It's why I've ALWAYS sworn to myself that, barring a medical reason, I must have at least two kids who are no more than four years apart in age. I want them to develop good interpersonal skills and have a strong bond with each other.
1) Childhood fighting
Yeah, so it would obviously be unfair for a 12-year-old to pick a fight with a toddler. The baby doesn't understand that you are upset they scratched your favorite record or that it's not okay to coat your things with gum. I learned to just accept that he could do whatever he wanted or that I had to hide things I didn't want him touching.
Therefore, I never developed the skills to cope with conflict. I shy away from confrontation or anything that feels remotely like it. Because I avoid it, that translates into not having developed the means to properly resolve issues. I never reacted well to kids that teased me. I was unprepared to deal with kids who treated me badly. I know I tend to bottle up things that bother me until it emerges as some passive-aggressive comment or incident.
2) Playing favorites
Because my brother and I are so far apart in age, it's not clear who is the favorite. He is the youngest, and he is the *boy*. Since we are Chinese, I accept the fact that he is favored for traditional reasons. My grandmother certainly gave her two grandsons with the family name marginally better inheritance. What can anyone say?
On the other hand, I've always been a bit more responsible, more outgoing, and driven. Without any obvious encouragement from my parents, I involved myself in clubs with leadership positions, I volunteered, I was an editor for the yearbook. It was never a contest for attention with my brother.
Maybe that's why I don't play the game well when it comes to the office. It's not clear to me to use people to my advantage. I don't care for the politics and positioning at the office. I am used to working alone, so I miss out sometimes on the socializing. The bonds among the male executive is very obviously because of their ability to joke and jab with each other. I feel left out sometimes when people go to lunch together because I wasn't invited... but maybe it's my own fault. I never learned those intangible skills. It doesn't occur to me to stop by people's cubes and say "hello" for no reason. (And some of it is glass ceiling issues, damn it, that can't be helped.)
3) Gender modeling
The article talks about how having a sibling of the opposite gender can accentuate gender-linked stereotypes. Well, that would explain quite a bit of why I've never felt like I could strongly identifying with either women or men. There was no one growing up to mirror or oppose. I remember always wishing I had a twin sister growing up. I needed a playmate. It's not natural for me to play with another gal's hair or do makeovers. I hung out with both boys and girls as a child. I would never call myself girly (though I've started to buy more skirts the past couple of years).
"By having a sibling who is one way, you strive to be different."
Okay... so... is this why I call myself a jack of all trades?
4) How bonds grow stronger
The first paragraph of this section mentioned some key things I constantly need to remember.
- "siblings become more emotionally skilled" (I have a hard time expressing myself and understanding my own feelings. Everything is too analytical at times.)
- "it's important to listen to others" (I can't tell you how much I interrupt people because I'm busy trying to say something before I forget rather than finish listening to what they have to say.)
- "people who disagree are not terrible" (I get annoyed and defensive sometimes at people who want to disagree with me. I feel like people are attacking me or complaining when they might just be trying to help.)
- "people get over their anger" (I'm *always* worried about what other people think of me. Sometimes it probably keeps me from doing what I want to do. You can't please everyone... I need to keep that in mind.)
There was a small little excerpt about only children or "singletons." Basically, it said that these children eventually catch up. Sometimes, it can take a little longer or require a certain life event to spark the learning. It was a very polite way of trying to include everyone and provide assurance that we'll all be okay. Trite but true (hoepfully).
It's a decent, mainstream magazine piece. Naturally, I was attracted to the analysis around elements of my own personality. I've always attributed much of my inability to relate to others to growing up as an "only child"... because my brother came along almost ten years later.
I know I struggle with certain social skills. I notice it often. I feel like an outsider with my friends because of it. At times, I probably come off as self-centered because that's what I knew growing up. It's why I've ALWAYS sworn to myself that, barring a medical reason, I must have at least two kids who are no more than four years apart in age. I want them to develop good interpersonal skills and have a strong bond with each other.
1) Childhood fighting
Yeah, so it would obviously be unfair for a 12-year-old to pick a fight with a toddler. The baby doesn't understand that you are upset they scratched your favorite record or that it's not okay to coat your things with gum. I learned to just accept that he could do whatever he wanted or that I had to hide things I didn't want him touching.
Therefore, I never developed the skills to cope with conflict. I shy away from confrontation or anything that feels remotely like it. Because I avoid it, that translates into not having developed the means to properly resolve issues. I never reacted well to kids that teased me. I was unprepared to deal with kids who treated me badly. I know I tend to bottle up things that bother me until it emerges as some passive-aggressive comment or incident.
2) Playing favorites
Because my brother and I are so far apart in age, it's not clear who is the favorite. He is the youngest, and he is the *boy*. Since we are Chinese, I accept the fact that he is favored for traditional reasons. My grandmother certainly gave her two grandsons with the family name marginally better inheritance. What can anyone say?
On the other hand, I've always been a bit more responsible, more outgoing, and driven. Without any obvious encouragement from my parents, I involved myself in clubs with leadership positions, I volunteered, I was an editor for the yearbook. It was never a contest for attention with my brother.
Maybe that's why I don't play the game well when it comes to the office. It's not clear to me to use people to my advantage. I don't care for the politics and positioning at the office. I am used to working alone, so I miss out sometimes on the socializing. The bonds among the male executive is very obviously because of their ability to joke and jab with each other. I feel left out sometimes when people go to lunch together because I wasn't invited... but maybe it's my own fault. I never learned those intangible skills. It doesn't occur to me to stop by people's cubes and say "hello" for no reason. (And some of it is glass ceiling issues, damn it, that can't be helped.)
3) Gender modeling
The article talks about how having a sibling of the opposite gender can accentuate gender-linked stereotypes. Well, that would explain quite a bit of why I've never felt like I could strongly identifying with either women or men. There was no one growing up to mirror or oppose. I remember always wishing I had a twin sister growing up. I needed a playmate. It's not natural for me to play with another gal's hair or do makeovers. I hung out with both boys and girls as a child. I would never call myself girly (though I've started to buy more skirts the past couple of years).
"By having a sibling who is one way, you strive to be different."
Okay... so... is this why I call myself a jack of all trades?
4) How bonds grow stronger
The first paragraph of this section mentioned some key things I constantly need to remember.
- "siblings become more emotionally skilled" (I have a hard time expressing myself and understanding my own feelings. Everything is too analytical at times.)
- "it's important to listen to others" (I can't tell you how much I interrupt people because I'm busy trying to say something before I forget rather than finish listening to what they have to say.)
- "people who disagree are not terrible" (I get annoyed and defensive sometimes at people who want to disagree with me. I feel like people are attacking me or complaining when they might just be trying to help.)
- "people get over their anger" (I'm *always* worried about what other people think of me. Sometimes it probably keeps me from doing what I want to do. You can't please everyone... I need to keep that in mind.)
There was a small little excerpt about only children or "singletons." Basically, it said that these children eventually catch up. Sometimes, it can take a little longer or require a certain life event to spark the learning. It was a very polite way of trying to include everyone and provide assurance that we'll all be okay. Trite but true (hoepfully).
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