Thursday, March 30, 2006

My obsessive-compulsive behavior

I was talking with Tim last night. I told him that I have a date on Saturday with KT. He seemed please and teased me about all the worrying and whining that I showed the past week.

We talked about what kinds of questions I have for KT. One of them involves a non-compute with some dates he gave me. When we first met, I swear he told me the range of years he spent at medical school, 1993 to 1998. Well, if he was in the same year as my friend, then he should have graduated in 1997. Something's not adding up here; medical school is a four-year program. Did he do some extra studies or take time off? I want to ask him about it, but Tim says the time has passed to ask.

I mentioned that I know the 1998 to be correct because I looked up his state medical license. Tim went off on me about being a stalker. He added that I am very obsessive and have a bad habit of "glomming on to things."

It's true, I have an odd tendency to focus too much on things and then can't let go. When I broke up with Ryan, I obsessed over him for months. I kept him on my instant messenger for months just so I could see him log in. I constantly wondered who he was talking to. At the time, we had both also just signed up on Friendster. I checked every day to see if he had logged in. I wondered if he was looking at my profile because he missed me or whether he was already browsing through all the singles girls looking for someone to date. That's how I figured out who he was dating. I looked her up too - I managed to figure out where she worked. (I lucked out because she had a very uniquely spelled first name and medically-related occupation.) It was so bad, I must admit I tried checking his answering machine once. It's kind of easy when you figure he used his birthdate as his code. Duh!

You have to understand that I've always been a bit of a detective and have a pretty good memory. I tend to recognize the license plates of most of my friends. If I go somewhere once, I don't need directions on the second visit. I was giving my parents directions at the age of 9.

When I was a kid, I figured out how to break into my house on three different occasions because I forgot my key. (The things you must do as a latch-key kid. Boy, was that a wake up call for me parents about locking up the house better.) In junior high, I figured out the locker combinations for over 50 lockers. I kept a log of every little thing I learned about a guy I had a crush on - birthday, address, parents and siblings names. (Ah, this is where it started... I should tell my therapist.) I suppose it was my way of feeling like I had a connection to them. In high school, I used to drive by this one guy's house every so often because I really liked him. That all stopped one night when he was sitting on the curb talking with a neighbor when I happened to drive by. Talk about dying of embarrassment!

Consciously, I know I shouldn't do it. But the temptation sometimes is just too much, especially when I need to procrastinate. I think it's also somewhat of a challenge, a game to me. I've dug up information on KT - I know his parents' names and ages. I know where he lives (got lucky). At least I know that everything he's told me has been true. (I checked on one guy once and saw that he fudged his age.)

The Internet is scary in that sense. I've also seen how much information there is on me. Those bastards have listed every city that I've lived in since college. There's no where to hide if you have a credit card or own property. At least I can say I've never done anything harmful or illegal with the information I acquire. That's not the point (at least for me). There probably is some sense of control and satisfaction involved. This is kind of like a drug addiction, eh?

Imagine what a freak KT would think I was if he knew? (And I'm sure that thought is running through your head as you read this.) He'd be running for the hills in a second. Hopefully someday I can tell him and he will laugh. For now, I'm just going to do my best to learn about him the old-fashioned way, by talking with him.

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