Sunday, March 05, 2006

Living a Year in Five Minutes

You know the commercials where this attractive man and woman meet in an elevator and they have an entire relationship in the blink of an eye? I'm going through that thinking about KT and it's driving me nuts.

I can barely recall the last time I felt like this. I have trouble eating. It didn't really occur to me until a co-worker teased me that it was because of all the butterflies I'm feeling. Is that true? I thought I was just being good about not eating so much so that I can lose a few pounds.

What's worse is that I can't concentrate or sleep. Sleep deprivation is the worst. I toss and turn if I start fantasizing about being with KT. Even worse, if I wake up in the early morning, I can't sleep for hours because my mind races through all these romantic thoughts. Last night I was thinking about our first kiss and what I would say afterwards. I even dreamt of the day he proposes. Normally I would think some romantic evening out where he surprises me. Yet, in this scenario, I spent Christmas with his family and he proposed in front of all them.

I constantly dream about how we'd spend our time together, what questions I want to ask him in conversation, how it would feel to be pressed against him and stroke his chest with my hand. For the past year, I've felt very little desire for sex. Now, all of a sudden, I want to touch him. I imagine us making out on my bed. I got so excited during my dream last night that I felt my wetness leak onto my pajamas. Oh man! I have to be careful not to let my hormones get the better of me. And all this could be a moot point if he's trying to follow his Catholic values. (At his age?)

And you might think, "there's nothing wrong with healthy fantasies." You have to understand my superstitious paranoia that I'm jinxing myself. I have had a lot of deja-vous incidents in my life. In high school, I recalled a dream I had had about not needing a ride home because I was competing in the state final. I remember this as I was awaiting the result to be posted. My surroundings, my parents waiting for me to call, they all happened just like the dream. And sure enough... I went to the finals! And with my ex-bf, four months into dating, I had a dream that he expressed his disinterest in me as a girlfriend. Nine months later he sat in that same chair as I confront him about his inability to discuss with me what he wanted out of the relationship. We broke up days after that. There are a lot of other little deja-vous moments, but these were big ones. I truly believe I had a vision of my future. Most are insignificant moments, but I just feel like if I dream too much about what I want, it won't happen. I want this to happen, and so it's hard not to think about it and let it develop on its own.

On the surface, I can tell you how perfect he seems to be. He's handsome (to me at least), 5'9" which is what I've always thought to be ideal for me (being 5'0"), he's smart, he's a physician (Mom's seal of approval), he's Chinese, he has a good relationship with his family, he can be funny, and the whole quiet kind of guy thing always intrigues me (though later on it will frustrate me ;) ). The other part of me is waiting for the shoe to drop. Will it be that he's too frugal, will it be that his religious commitments are non-compatible, or will he simply not be interested in me?

Someone put me out of my misery. This is torture trying to figure out what's going on, whether anything will happen. I suppose all the fantasizing and daydreaming is fun and exciting, but you have to understand how much anxiety it causes me and how poorly I deal with it. I'm going to drive everyone around me nuts.

So the big question coming up is when will he contact me about dinner for next week? Will he use the phone? Will this be another 2+ person gathering? One day I'm totally skeptical of his motives, the next day I believe he's truly interested in dating me.


Anna May Won't said...

pandax, i may be totally off-base here because while i think i've read most of your entries concering KT, of course i don't know what it's like when you interact with him and how it is during those one-on-one times with him. so please please just dismiss what i have to say if you want because more than likely i have no idea what i'm talking about.

but it seems that while he's somewhat interested in you, he's not THAT interested, and i hate to use a cliche but that he's just not that into you. i think he'd have made a more of an effort by now, and i hate to see you torturing yourself over something that will probably never be.

or he's lazy or he's afraid, and you know what? you don't want that either. time's ticking, girl, and not just cuz you're over 30, but because life is precious and every moment of your life should be lived well.

i TOTALLY understand the whole fantasy thing. when i was dating c. back last fall, i got crazy with the fantasies - like having his kid! - and it was all for naught. but i'm not kicking myself about it because something was going on with him that i had no control over, and it was fun while it lasted.

KT seems to be stringing you along, ie, keeping you in his back pocket in case something better - in his eyes so who knows what that means - doesn't come along, and you, we all, deserve so much more than that.

my friend s. says he will only like people who like him back. duh, right? but it's the truth.

of course this is very easy for me to say. when you're in the situation, it's hard to move out of it till you yourself are ready to do so. i also think it's important to let yourself grieve. after c. dumped me, i let myself mope for a whole weekend, and then i felt so much better.

sorry this is so long-winded. again, please take everything i say with a grain of salt.

best wishes. dn

Pandax said...

Yeah, the consensus among my girlfriends is that he's too flakey. I'm mean two meetings in the past month? But it's always hard to see through the trees... . I need a class on dating. Why wasn't that a required course in college?

I figure if he asks me to dinner this week, and it's a one-on-one chat, that'll allow me to draw a conclusion. If I don't hear from him, then I can go back to being my rational self (which feels really appealing right now).