Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Four years ago

It's been four years since I met my last long-term boyfriend. We met because Is wanted to browse and encouraged me to register. We thought it'd be entertaining to compare notes and see if we got e-mails from the same men. It was more for fun that having any intention to date. In fact, I had just told myself that I needed to just enjoy being me for awhile.

Of the dozens of e-mails I received, I answered one. Ryan had taken the time to thoughtfully respond to what I had written in my profile. The time and effort he put into his response deserved a reply compared to the lame one-liners that I had from others. I mean, come on, "Hey Princess you sound cute. Write me back." Do you think that line appeals to women? I don't have a picture posted so don't waste my time with things you don't mean.

Ryan, as it turned out, was an attorney, so it made a lot of sense to see how methodically and systematically he addressed interests I had mentioned in my description. We really hit it off. It was a great fairy tale meeting. We had exchanged pictures on a Thursday and agreed to talk on the phone for the first time the next Sunday. On Friday, I went swing dancing with a friend. He bumped into a female friend of his, and wouldn't you know it, the person she was with was Ryan. Small world... .

And for a year I thought we were happy. But when I didn't feel like the relationship was progressing, I talked to him. And in the course of a month, the relationship fell apart. He couldn't see marrying me. I couldn't eat; I could barely function. I felt deceived. I was heart broken. I dropped twenty pounds in less than two months. (And when you weigh less than 130 pounds, it's pretty dramatic.) I'm amazed I didn't get fired at work. To add insult to injury, two months after we stopped talking to each other, I saw him happily flirting with a woman who is now his wife. I have never experienced such darkness in my life. It still brings chills to my heart to think about how depressed I was. I pray I never go through that again.

As I started to come out of the darkness the following summer, I met Tim through a friend. He's such a laid-back and happy fellow. Our dating lasted only four months, but we continued to be friends. There have been times when the line got fuzzy, but here we are. I have to say I owe him a lot. He gave me faith in unconditional love and affection. I didn't think I could be whole again. Being best friends with him has taught me a lot about myself and how to communicate.

Healing is a slow, quiet process. I can't say there's a date I could officially claim myself 100% Ryan-free. I know that sometime last summer I reached the other side of tunnel. There's no way to know if something greater will come from a few dates with KT, but I do like to think that I'm finally emotionally healthy enough to accept the challenge. :)


papi chino said...

That which does not kill you will only make you stronger. Admittedly, I have never been in a relationship for more than 2 years. The last one was in 2001. I refuse to lower my standards however. I like reading your posts. They have a "Sex in the City" and "Joy Luck Club" sensibility to it. Good Luck in your search!!!

Pandax said...

Thanks Trendyninja. You'd think dealing with the opposite sex gets easier with age... maybe I missed a class somewhere. ;) Good luck to you too!