Monday, April 03, 2006

What is this feeling?

How do distinguish between general attraction and affection for a specific person? Some of my friends have been asking how I feel about KT. Honestly, I'm not sure how to answer that... . I'm probably overthinking this whole thing.

I will say that I am attracted to him. He fits the type of person that I always have an initial interest in. The question is whether I've gotten beyond that and like him based on what I've learned from spending time from him. I'm probably second guessing myself because I just haven't done well with relationships the past few years. I doubt my own judgment.

My opinion of him is a combination of what I want and what I learned I *should* want. Yes, I admit it, my mother's influences have penetrated my thinking. I shutter to think how I may be gradually transforming into her.

So here's the list, see if you can tell what's me versus the Chinese cultural influence:

- Attractive to me: I seem to have a thing for men in nice glasses (just let me tell you how much I want to press my body against his ;) )
- Good height ~5'9" or so
- Chinese: cultural connection
- Quiet: The silent type thing perhaps conveys to me a sense of peace I seek in my life. Otherwise it's so opposite to what I actually want, i.e. more extrovert than me.
- Smart: my rival school and med school are both good
- He's a doctor: Yes, part of this is probably cultural but honestly I kind of like having someone to talk to in a related industry. Dating an attorney just didn't work.
- All the coincidental people we both know (It's not really a trait rather more a reassurance that he might have good character.)
- Since he's a pediatrician, you'd assume he wants kids
- Humor: We can tease each other about being college rivals and laugh
- Good relationship with his parents (although I'm starting to see this might be a double-edged sword considering how close he seems to be to his mom)
- I feel comfortable talking to him and we can seem to talk about anything
- Interests in common: Being outdoors like hiking and snow sports, we'll see if he can dance
- Values: There are assumptions I would like to make based on the fact he's Chinese and Catholic, but how dangerous is that?
- Financials: Here's the big practical advantage he can offer - stability and security

And now you might ask if there's anything that concerns me at this stage:

- Flakiness, I don't know if this is ignorance or indifference
- Religion: So how Catholic is he? Would he expect me to convert?
- He's a doctor: So what does that mean for his work hours and ability to take vacation?
- Relationship with mom: How much would I be expected to care for her in the long run? Would she approve of me?
- Apparent lack of dating experience: Does he have any ounce of romance in him? Would I miss it? Do I feel comfortable if I have to drive this relationship?
- Dorkiness factor: Well, all of my friends, me included, have some in one form or another so it'd have to be pretty bad

Unknowns that are yet to be determined:

- Priorities: where would I finish in his life? Does blood come first?
- Baggage: What insecurities and dramas does he carry in his heart? Are they things that he's put to bed or must I face them with him?
- Money: How does he spend it? Will it be reasonably in line with my habits?
- Child rearing philosophies: Will they be similar?
- Are we able to emotionally able to connect with each other and build intimacy?
- Will he get along with and be approved by my friends? Their opinion means something to me - disaster check.

My personal fears:

- I'm not funny enough, too serious, too literal about things
- My bad habits, such as interupting people, shows it's ugly head too much
- The conversations get boring; I'm not smart enough for him
- He's creating too perfect an image of who I am that can only result in disappointment
- I change myself because I think that's what he wants
- I fail to communicate my feelings and become passive-agressive
- I'm too independent and stubborn
- I get too needy and insecure

It's still way early in this dating scenario. But this is what's on my mind. I suppose it's helpful to see it spelled out be them silly, stupid, or sensible.

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