Mea culpa

In my frustrations last night I had some good conversations with friends. I was very needy, insecure, and self-centered, so I'm glad my friends can be patient and understanding.

No one likes to hear bad things. And I certainly take constructive criticism very hard, but I also know that I need to hear it if I'm going to make myself a better person. [exhale] I apologize to people who I unintentionally (or subconsciously) offend. (Unfortunately, I won't be seeing my therapist for three weeks, so I'm on my own to process and cope with this one.)

*****

I had dinner with Chi last night. She was great. As soon as we met up, she asked about KT. I felt kind of bad jumping into all the details when my original intent was to ask her about Morm (especially since I had just gotten an e-mail response from KT). We always have a good conversation, full of laughs, frustration, and support. There was plenty of time later in the dinner for her to update me on Morm.

The one thing I caught myself doing (after the fact) was inserting comments that were pretty tangential to the conversation. I know I did it at least twice because I felt how awkward it was. (Bad Dobby, bad Dobby! Dobby must punish himself now.) I've been called on this several times in my adult life. It's taken me a long, long time to be cognizant of it and, obviously, it's still a difficult tendency for me to stop. I can only wonder how many men (or people in general) I've put off with this rude, self-centered style. I hope Chi understands that my bad mood probably contributed to my need to feel better by doing that.

*****

Later, I was chatting on the phone with Nvy. She was sweet enough to collect some places and addresses for my trip to France. Eventually, we talked a little about my blog. She's one of the few friends who knows about it and has read it. I admitted to feeling bad about mentioning my blog to my friends but not telling them where it is. She called me on it in a heartbeat and scolded me for it. She knows me well - good and bad. I know she's right; we both agreed. I said it myself in a previous blog entry. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. This is another issue I need to discuss with my therapist - why I play these little power games and why I do this to get attention. I'm sure it's a habit I developed as a child (growing up essentially as an only child) and was never corrected.

*****

The drama continued into late night (I'll have to write about that later). I shared a copy of the e-mail I sent KT to Tim. He read through it and pointed out that it was mean of me to say "Since I haven't heard from you..." Okay, I know... you can't imagine how many times I considered rewriting that sentence before I sent it because I knew it was kind of passive-aggressive. Tim and I talked about it a little. He gave me a break about it, he recognized that I felt bad. He reasoned to me that being an only child, I lacked the interaction to learn how to react better to situations. As an only child, it was easy to simply tell my parents what I wanted and get it. (This is why I believe in having none or at least TWO children. I don't want them to end up like me.) Kudos to Tim for being so understanding and so empathetic.

*****

Well, now that I've been paid by my company to waste some 30 minutes doing something completely unrelated to work, I should probably wrap up. It's also not a great mindset to start the day with, feeling like beating yourself up. I'm very hard on myself, I've been told that not only by people but by personality surveys. I think it comes a lot from the impossible expectations put on me by my mother growing up and because, I think, as an only child, I had the time and ability to have things "perfect."

Sorry, sorry, sorry to my friends for being so annoying. I'm trying, believe me. Baby steps...