Friday, April 21, 2006

Mea culpa

In my frustrations last night I had some good conversations with friends. I was very needy, insecure, and self-centered, so I'm glad my friends can be patient and understanding.

No one likes to hear bad things. And I certainly take constructive criticism very hard, but I also know that I need to hear it if I'm going to make myself a better person. [exhale] I apologize to people who I unintentionally (or subconsciously) offend. (Unfortunately, I won't be seeing my therapist for three weeks, so I'm on my own to process and cope with this one.)


I had dinner with Chi last night. She was great. As soon as we met up, she asked about KT. I felt kind of bad jumping into all the details when my original intent was to ask her about Morm (especially since I had just gotten an e-mail response from KT). We always have a good conversation, full of laughs, frustration, and support. There was plenty of time later in the dinner for her to update me on Morm.

The one thing I caught myself doing (after the fact) was inserting comments that were pretty tangential to the conversation. I know I did it at least twice because I felt how awkward it was. (Bad Dobby, bad Dobby! Dobby must punish himself now.) I've been called on this several times in my adult life. It's taken me a long, long time to be cognizant of it and, obviously, it's still a difficult tendency for me to stop. I can only wonder how many men (or people in general) I've put off with this rude, self-centered style. I hope Chi understands that my bad mood probably contributed to my need to feel better by doing that.


Later, I was chatting on the phone with Nvy. She was sweet enough to collect some places and addresses for my trip to France. Eventually, we talked a little about my blog. She's one of the few friends who knows about it and has read it. I admitted to feeling bad about mentioning my blog to my friends but not telling them where it is. She called me on it in a heartbeat and scolded me for it. She knows me well - good and bad. I know she's right; we both agreed. I said it myself in a previous blog entry. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. This is another issue I need to discuss with my therapist - why I play these little power games and why I do this to get attention. I'm sure it's a habit I developed as a child (growing up essentially as an only child) and was never corrected.


The drama continued into late night (I'll have to write about that later). I shared a copy of the e-mail I sent KT to Tim. He read through it and pointed out that it was mean of me to say "Since I haven't heard from you..." Okay, I know... you can't imagine how many times I considered rewriting that sentence before I sent it because I knew it was kind of passive-aggressive. Tim and I talked about it a little. He gave me a break about it, he recognized that I felt bad. He reasoned to me that being an only child, I lacked the interaction to learn how to react better to situations. As an only child, it was easy to simply tell my parents what I wanted and get it. (This is why I believe in having none or at least TWO children. I don't want them to end up like me.) Kudos to Tim for being so understanding and so empathetic.


Well, now that I've been paid by my company to waste some 30 minutes doing something completely unrelated to work, I should probably wrap up. It's also not a great mindset to start the day with, feeling like beating yourself up. I'm very hard on myself, I've been told that not only by people but by personality surveys. I think it comes a lot from the impossible expectations put on me by my mother growing up and because, I think, as an only child, I had the time and ability to have things "perfect."

Sorry, sorry, sorry to my friends for being so annoying. I'm trying, believe me. Baby steps...

No comments: