Friday, April 21, 2006

F*ck'd up

So I did get a response from KT to my e-mail. Just as I left work on Thursday, he replied:

"Shoot, leaving so soon?
My vacay so far has been a good time for relaxing and catching up. Virginia [... .]

How was your games night last weekend?

Are you looking forward to Europe? Be sure to bring [.... ]

No plans for tomorrow night...let me know if you are interested in hanging out.

Too bad u won't be around next week. I met some people who are organizing a mixer in Alt next week. They are part of a group called [... . ]

Actually, maybe Ig, Sh, and Suna would be interested since they live in [the area]. Can you forward me their e-mails?

Wish you a good Friday!"


Yeah... can you guess what kind of thoughts ran through my head? Let's see... I must edit this to keep it PG-13, but basically the words "IDIOT" and "LAME" went through my mind for awhile. I felt that this e-mail was a pretty clear indication. For a moment, I thought maybe he heard my pleas from my previous blog entry to not reply unless he was absolutely clear about being JUST friends. There was a faint creek inside my heart, but it's probably just a loose nail. Seriously, I think my ego was hurt more than my heart.

Come on, you ask if I want to hang out - alone with you? And then, you mention going to a "mixer" AND ask me to give you my friends' e-mail addresses? People you've talked to for all of 30 minutes? Now I feel really duped.

Needless to say I was rather DiSTurBed last night. It was hard to concentrate. I envy the ability men have to compartmentalize things and get it off their minds. I obsess and dwell too much. Tim did his best to sympathize and console me. He didn't sugar coat everything; I wouldn't expect that of him. He was fair and reasonable in pointing out the issues and suggesting ways I could feel better about myself (despite all the ideas of torturing myself that I threatened to do, nothing crazy, just banging my head against the wall or depriving myself of sleep).

Originally, I thought I'd have KT come over and ask him my question in person, but I just couldn't accept the idea. Tim had a good point, that if I knew the answer was going to be "friends," that would make us both feel awkward and end the night. Why do it in person?

I told Tim that I was going to stay up for as long as it took to compose a neutral and non-threatening e-mail. The plan was to write it and sleep on it. (Because I've learned one too many times that heat-of-the-moment e-mails are incredibly dangerous... I have yet to determine if drunk e-mailing is worse.) He offered to help edit it with me if I wanted. He told me to call him back later and took a shower.

I then caught Is online and discussed what happened. We traded snide remarks and bitter men comments while we called KT lots of names. (Oh, that can be such good therapy.) Then I traded my first draft with her by e-mail. I did pretty well on my first go around. It was simple and to the point. We spent maybe ten minutes cleaning up the last few sentences because I guess it sounded a tad demanding or laying blame. I think it came out pretty well. There's only so much you can do to be clear since you can't control how and where people will add emphasis and intonation to your words.

Around midnight, I called Tim back and showed him KT's response plus my new e-mail. He did his best to cheer me up by criticizing KT's e-mail - the lame spelling of "vacay," incomplete thoughts, and lame attempt to sound cool. It was funny, and I felt a little calmer. He suggested a couple small adjustments to my e-mail and we said "goodnight."

When I woke up this morning, I sent it back to Is and Nvy for a last check. They both approved and wished me luck.


Anna May Won't said...

that's so annoying that he asked for your friends' emails. i don't know why but for some reason, i found that most annoying.

Pandax said...

Yeah, unfortunatley it's in line with my suspicions that he's just lonely.

Ig's response to the request: "Well this seems to back up your 'dating people to meet their friends' theory."