Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Two gold stars

If my therapist handed out rewards, I would have gotten two stars this week. It's amazing how much stuff I had to catch her up on since last week.

We laughed about the cold sore apology and the forgotten bill. She could offer no new insight into why he won't pick me up or doesn't think to drive the two of us. I think she was satisfied that I gave KT a hug. His shyness or some form of insecurity is limiting where we can go with this. She could see my frustration despite having a good time overall.

Next, I described his Sunday night e-mail and how I threw caution to the wind and invited him to dancing on Friday. She praised me for taking action. I don't think she believed that I would do anything. (Well, sure I wasn't positive I would either.) She seemed excited at the prospect that I had upped the stakes in this budding relationship.

I also mentioned the somewhat disappointing call I had with him last night. I just don't feel like he wants to engage. For Friday, I suggested he stop by my place before the dancing, that way he could also change clothes. He said he didn't want to inconvenience me and said he just stop by home. I tried to reassure him it was no big deal. He made sure to close the door on the idea by saying that he might want to go home and shower as well. KT said we could meet up at the chosen restaurant for dinner. [Uhhhhhgh, come on man you're killing me.] In another moment we talked about Mandarin self-study and the need to practice speaking it. I offered the idea we could talk to each other in Mandarin and KT shot me down saying he practices with his mom. He commented that his accent isn't that good and that it makes sense to practice with someone who has the accent correct. [Ouch! My accent's not *that* bad.] Yeah, so I ended that conversation feeling a bit shut out. Do you think he realizes? I need to say something because bottling this up will just make me upset and ambivalent towards him.

She seemed really impressed at my move today. I told her that I wrote him back after my friend e-mailed about whether I would join the group for dinner. Suna set instructions about calling the restaurant and changing the number of seats for the reservation. I forwarded him the message and added a quick explanation:

"So did you sleep in a little this morning? If so, I'm jealous. :)

For Friday, I wanted to double check with you. Since it's a Lent
Friday, I was thinking if we go for dinner on our own we could have
sushi or maybe go to Pluto's for salads. Or, if you want, we could
catch up with my friends for dinner. Since it's Middle Eastern
they'll have some non-meat dishes, like falafel, though I presume
there wouldn't be any seafood. Think about it and let me know."

And then I decided there was something missing. The words came pretty easily but I had to think about whether it was the right thing to say.

"... I'm fine either way. If we hang out with the group Friday maybe
we could spend some time together over the weekend. Think about it
and let me know.

Have a good day off!"

It's the "weekend" part that scared me. All my breathing slowed, I couldn't believe my eyes that I had written something like this. It felt like I stared at those words for forever. What would he think? Would he understand that I want to make sure we have some one-on-one time? Would he take advantage of my offer and see me more than once in a week? Or, would he back off thinking that I'm moving too fast?

My co-workers, Tales, walked in just then. I said good morning to her and then asked her to come read it. I was really freaked out. She took her time reading it. I'm not sure that she interpreted it the way I did. She had a smile on her face as if to say I was silly. She jokingly threatened to hit "Send" herself if I didn't.

So I did send off the e-mail to KT. I was so nervous about it, but I also knew he was likely out for the day running errands and would not answer for awhile. When he did finally reply in the late afternoon, his response seemed rather business-like - no mention of his day or asking me any light-hearted question.

"Thanks for looking out after my religious interests. Being the less-than-wary Catholic, I had momentarily forgotten about no-meat-on-Friday.

Either seafood or falafel would be ok. Friday afternoon, it's turns out I have a seminar at work. Hopefully, this will mean I can finish earlier since there wouldn't be the possibility of having my clinic schedule overbooked. However, some seminar sessions to tend to run overtime...

I will try to find out the approximate schedule and get back to you."

Regardless, my therapist was happy for me. We talked about how we both agree that regardless of how things turn out, this is a learning experience for me. I had already made such comments to my skeptical friends. In a way, you could call this training. I'm still trying to learn to assert myself and make my needs known rather than wait for what I want. She reminded me that relationships are not about "testing" people to see if they will do what you want, it's about communicating and teaching/learning with each other.

I'm still nervous. Nobody likes getting hurt.


teahouse said...

It's nice to have a positive therapy session! Whenever I have a good one, I finally feel like my money is going to good use...

mini said...

wow ... that was indeed a very business-like reply back from him, with no mention of one-on-one time ...

it does seem that he's shy ... but be careful, the shy-ness thing can only be carried so far. ugh, i wasted 2 months with a guy whom i chalked up to being shy. turns out he was afraid of commitment and the whole "he's just not that into me" thing was totally true. i just was making excuses for him by saying he was shy.

i'm such an overanalyzer of dates and men, too. i give my friends play by plays and ask them to overanalyze with me and give me their thoughts. i totally see my own thoughts in the stuff that you write, so i always really enjoy reading your blog!

Pandax said...

teahouse - yeah after a couple of years of talking I was beginning to think about trading in therapy for a new wardrobe, but maybe I'll give it another year. :)

shan - KT's has maybe a couple more chances to straighten things out before he gets the boot. I think it's always nice to know we're all going throw similar "drama" (as my cousin loves to call it).

Pandax said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Pandax said...

Okay, I must be suffering from food coma. It's dangerous to write this time of day.

I meant "through" not "throw." Darn not having spell-check in comment mode. ;)