The Red Among Us

So KT joined Ig and I for the game yesterday. He arrived a little after the game started because he visited with his sister for dinner. He was dressed in a heatherblue turtleneck sweater with jeans.

The seating arrangement was a little awkward. Initially Ig sat across from me. So when KT arrived I scooted down one seat so that he didn't have to squeeze past me. That put me with my back to him whenever we were watching the game.

Ig was good about talking to him. In general, I think guys have a much easier time talking with each other versus two woman who don't know each other. Ig asked some requisite questions about KT's job and where he lives. I added a little by mentioning that they both started in NY. That sent them on this conversation where I could only sit and listen. They ended up talking about their high schools and stuff.

KT seemed pretty knowledgeable about the team. When Ig asked why he was a fan, KT mumbled something that I could not hear. I think he said he was already a fan before going to college and stayed that way. Whenever the guys talked basketball players I just listened.

Overall I think it was good to have both guys there. I can't talk b-ball so it gives them an outlet for guy stuff. On the other hand, I felt I struggle at times to generate conversation with KT. It's difficult when you only have 2 minutes during commercials to exchange any meaningful information. Also, because Ig and I have been watching sporting events together for years, I tended to go to him for answers first when it came to the school and the team. I kept trying to give KT some eye contact to keep him included, but it was hard.

We talked briefly about snowboarding. KT had gone to Sportmart to buy himself a helmet because he's going to DR with a friend for the weekend. Do you think there's any chance I inspired him to go try again? I also learned that he used to play ultimate back in SD. We had been talking about the Olympics and Ig asked if he played.

The conversations were definitely casual. I don't know if it was appropriate, but I mentioned to Ig about Alba being on the cover of Playboy. He was of course immediately intrigued. Then KT filled us in on why it was such big news. She is suing because they didn't not have permission to use her photo on the cover. Big disappointment because there are no photos of her inside the issue. I wonder what KT must have thought for me to bring up such a subject. Is that cool to a guy?

I hope KT had a good time. He was definitely quieter this time. I found myself feeling excited but nervous to have him sitting next to me. For whatever reason, I am attracted to him and it clouds my mind.

I am very curious to see if Ig has an observations about last night. I never felt like KT looked at me in a special way. He walked away from the table at one point to use the restroom. I watched him and saw him check his watch. While he waited his turn, he leaned against the doorframe and watched the game. I never caught him looking back our way. I guess I was disappointed that he wasn't more interested in me. Don't you want to sneak a glance at someone if you find them attractive?

As we prepared to leave, I carried KT's jacket over to him. I think he's had it every time I've seen him. I had put it on a separate chair for him during the game because I think he was having trouble with it.

So at the end of the night we stood there in the gravel lot. After some last thoughts about the disappointing loss, KT prepared to say goodnight. He started to take steps towards me with his right arm slightly away from his body. I wasn't sure if he was coming towards me for a hug, I didn't move and he stopped. Oops? So he thanked me for allowing him to joining us and mentioned about seeing me next week (or soon?). I answered positively. He thanked Ig, though they didn't shake hands or anything, and headed for his car. This time he drove a Camry. As Ig tried to talk to me, I quickly glanced around his right shoulder to catch the license plate, 3RQ... or was it a 4?

Ig and I stood there for several more minutes to figure out our weekend ski plans. The funny thing is that Ig started thinking we should go to DR because it's a closer drive. Imagine if I bumped into KT on Saturday. Should I send him a friendly e-mail to warn him of the possibility or should I just see if it happens?

I'm smitten, I can't lie. I'd like to think that I got a clearer signal that he's interested in me. I just still can't figure out why he seems to limit how and when we see each other. It still seems suspicious. I'm afraid. I don't want to get burned again. How can I be me and enjoy what's happening but protect myself at the same time?

My other conscience

My therapist completely disagreed with what's been going on the past few days. She think I've totally overanalyze and jumped to negative conclusions about KT. As I look over at a sheet on my cube wall, I am reminded, "Release expectation and judgment: Constantly judging other and obsessing over unmet expectations contaminates the present. Let go of your expectations and focus on something in your life that is good right now."

I get the sense she thought I was being unreasonable in expecting him to ask farther ahead of time for a date. She called me on using the same tactics of denying him time to penalize him which is somewhat true. This is hard for me because I've often felt that I've been taken advantage of in my life, personal and professional. It's hard to see the line between being nice and being stepped on.

She wants me to just get to know him. It's such a different perspective from all the women I've consulted who are suspicious of him. Is she out of touch or are all us younger women unrealistic? Something doesn't jive here. Maybe she's right, but I find it hard to believe that all us women are being that difficult.

So I did call KT and say that I would be watching the game with a friend. He immediately wrote back and said that if it was a big group that he'd like to join us. I talked with Ig about it. I didn't want him feeling like a third wheel. I know his natural reaction is to back out of these situations. I assured him that there's nothing going on with KT and that we're just getting to know each other. More importantly, I want to watch this game with Ig and would first tell KT "no" rather than bail on him. He was amused by the whole thing. He said he "sell" me in the conversation. I told him to just be himself. My only request was not to embarrass me by telling KT stories of my oddball behaviour.

So I left KT a message about joining us. We'll see what he decides to do. I asked him to let me know he intends to join us.

Four heads

So in the pursuit of a best response to KT, I vented to a few co-workers. We now refer to him as flakey boy.

Basically everyone thinks this is odd. What a non-surprise. How to approach this varies a little. I'd say half think the Thursday meet is okay with some caveats. Otherwise deferring to Friday is another option to subtly hint that this was not enough notice.

In the meantime, Im still waiting for my friend to get back to me about watching the game. The one time I need him to respond promptly and I can't tell if he's alive. Doh! So, to tie over the time, I sent back a very short reply saying I'd call later. Hopefully he'll understand my comment about a painful wrist to mean that I can't type today so I have to use the phone. That'll also give me a chance to figure out Thursday. Would it be weird to have him sit with me and Ig? Probably yeah and I don't know that Ig would like that either.

(BTW it's damn hard to type with just the left hand because my wrist really is hurting.)

Diary of a Pissed-Off Asian Woman

Diary of a Pissed-Off Asian Woman: BAAAWK-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk

Awesome... a kindred spirit in the mysterious, annoying, and awkward quest of life.

Murphy again

I stupidly still hope this morning when I checked my e-mail. What is it with me? My e-mail has been rather quiet today in general. It's just one of those days when I needed a little human interaction. I sent out an e-mail about the upcoming Asian American Film Festival. I missed it last year, so I'm eager to attend at least one showing this year. I even offered to volunteer, though it's a bit late. We'll see if I get a call about helping. It'd be fun and I might meet some interesting people.

So just before noon, I refreshed my e-mail. A new e-mail appeared, but I was surprised to see the headline, "Dinner?" from KT. He babbled a little bit about basketball and the upcoming games before asking if I'd "be interested in dinner that day."

Just imagine me slamming my head into the desk because that's about how I felt. Next comes the hair pulling as I try to figure out whether or not to respond. Do I want his attention because I like him or because I want him to like me? It's all kind of a blur at this point. I'm so confused.

Honestly, when I saw the sports news on Sunday night I really thought about watching Thursday's game. I just haven't asked my friend because I know I'll see them tonight. Technically my Thursday is still open, but really my mind was on reserving that time to watch basketball. Had KT asked over the weekend, it would have been fine. Now I have to decide what's the right way to go. Why should I change my plans when he asks so late?

I don't want to play games, it's not in my nature. But apparently playing it straight doesn't get you anywhere either. I need time (and help) to figure out what to say.

Premature heartbreak

I can't take it anymore. How much of this is my own fault? I haven't heard from KT since Friday. Does he think I'll meet him for dinner with less than two days notice. Egads this is ridiculous.

What's even more ridiculous is how hurt and disappointed I feel over the whole thing. I set myself for this by thinking I'd actually found a decent guy who not only I was attracted to but who my parents might actually like. Add on top of that some small world connections and a funny tension over our college rivalry and it seems like good chemistry. Boy was I mistaken.

I feel angry, frustrated, cheated, deceived, unappreciated and just all over miserable. His lack of urgency should be a bright neon sign to me that he's not that interested. This can't possibly be a case of miscommunication. I don't think I played hard to get nor did I jump at any work he said. I thought we had a reasonable level of communication. There's just no excuse for waiting this long to contact me after making the gesture to meet again for dinner. He'd have to of had an accident or family emergency for me to understand this.

How is it that I pick such losers? What is it about me that says you can walk all over me?

Tennis with friends?

Wow, so I received a quick reply this morning. I wrote back to KT saying I was busy next Monday through Wednesday but was available otherwise. Less than two hours later I found a reply in my inbox which caught me off guard. Turns out he was inviting me to join him and two people for tennis in Upin.

Well, I'd already agreed to go hiking tomorrow morning. Even though it wasn't confirmed I'm not going to drop my friends at the last minute for a (and here I was about to write "date") meeting with people I don't know. It's a nice gesture and I certainly like to play, but it's a little too short of notice.

I sent back what I thought was a friendly and light reply. I made fun of myself a little saying that he might not want to embarrass himself by bringing me along. I added that I've pegged people with my uncontrolled returns. Now that I reread it, I hope it doesn't sound like I'm putting myself down in a negative way. I meant it to be playful and funny. Oops, probably over did it. This must be why people think I'm lame. I did explain that I'll probably be busy hiking with friends.

At least this would have been a nice, casual way to get to know him. I can't help in the back of my mind still think he's chicken to be alone with me. At least he thought of me sooner rather than waiting until the end of next week. What's weird is that he said he's meeting a friend for tennis and they could use a 4th player. So who's the 3rd person?

Backup dating

I can't help be suspicious. The lack of a sense of urgency makes me think that he's got other big things going on. That may seem rather benign but not in terms of my theories.

CC once described to me the goings on when she and Rg were first dating. Both of them had a fairly active dating queue. Even a couple months into seeing each other, it was not necessarily exclusive. She told me she had a guy or two on the back burner. It seemed like a perfectly rational thing to do until they became more serious. About seven months in was when Rg expressed his interest in getting married.

I've never worked that way. Being older, I understand and have less issue with the concepts so long as both people are somewhat open and honest about it. I'm not saying I want to know who and when, but just to acknowledge that it's going on.

In this case it's too early for me to expect any frank conversation. I'm just writing today to vent my frustrations and confusion. I feel like I'm going to explode at some point.

On Tuesday, I responded to KT's e-mail saying that another meeting would be nice and suggested he give me a call. He replied late last night asking what my schedule looks like next week. I don't know what's going on in his life right now, but I find these biweekly evenings to be rather annoying. Part of it is my own anxiety. I don't perform well in these undefined situations. I'd like to know now rather than drag it out. He's not doing either of us any favors acting like this. I suppose I could be more patient, but I find that most of my friends are on my side in this matter.

The other thing that still makes me suspicious are the little things he mentions. I know he went to Monterey with a friend. I'm reading a lot into it but I'm still bugged by the fact I don't know the gender of the friend, nor did he address a question concerning his friend from my e-mail. And today, his e-mail thanked me for mentioning a couple housing developments. He added that he and a friend had went to look at one of them. Now I try and put myself in his shoes and ask why he bothered to mention going with a friend. I know I'm overanalyzing, but I personally would have simply said that I saw the house and not mentioned another person.

Who knows... I'm just going to drive myself crazy. I'll reply to him tomorrow - maybe. :p

Playing the rules

Am I impatient? Usually when I've sent KT an e-mail he replies around 6:30pm. Well, nothing from him since I replied yesterday morning. If he's interested I need to see some more effort. That's just how I am, I don't want to constantly drive this. I think I expressed enough interest to show that he needn't be afraid to ask me for a date.

I threw the situation out to a group at work this morning over bagels. Most everyone thought it was odd. Everyone laughed as we joked about whether he'd bring his friend on another date. One comment was that his vague requests for meeting up are a way not to seem to aggressive. Don't guys understand that that's a good thing in the beginning? (Being pushy when the girl has said "no" is not appropriate, but that's another story.)

It's all on KT this time. I've told him that I'm interested in seeing him again. He needs to call me or offer a time and place in an e-mail.

Compared to him, I have to give my ex's credit for being good daters and pursuing me. Given all my other distractions this week I don't know that I'm processing this all appropriately. Perhaps I should be more annoyed, perhaps I should be more understanding. But yeah, no.

Coffee or tea, again?

Yes, that's right, just when I didn't expect to hear from KT, I found an e-mail in my mailbox last night. Although there was a part of me that hoped and was excited for a response, the rest of me is still perplexed. Can you blame me?

The other thing that's driving me crazy that comes with all this excitement is my racing mind. I couldn't sleep last night because I think I lived through the entire courtship in an hour. I can only wonder if I've done that same thing with other men I've dated. How much of my future have I imagined each time? Last night I was imagining conversation we'll have about dating, getting married, having children. I imagine looking for bridesmaids dresses and deciding who to have as the flower girls. This is nuts! I barely know the guy!

The amount of time wasted on daydreaming is probably one of the most elating and distracting parts of the early dating process. I don't get anything done. I am so worried about creating the wrong expectations and setting myself up for disappointment.

So KT's e-mail was another very friendly and light conversation. He described a few of the things he did in Mty and mentioned my team's loss this weekend. I think he's probably as intrigued as I am by the sheer coincidence that my dentist is related to him. Serendipitous events created very compelling emotional connections (don't I know).

His final comment was about traveling and how much he'd like to start traveling more. He is looking to me for ideas and listed out a few places he'd like to go. To follow that up, he asked if I would like to meet up again for dinner or coffee/tea. Yes, he's still being vague. It's just so unappealing to throw it out there like that without a plan. He seems like a sociable enough guy that you'd think he'd know better.

(banging my head against the desk) What does he want?!! What can I say to push him to be more direct? I could have responded last night, but I put it aside until this morning. I wrote him being friendly and ended with a reply that another meeting would be nice and suggested he call me to arrange a place and time.

I hate this part... waiting for the phone to ring. I want to pull my hair out and scream... . And if he brings Larry or some other guy friend for the next "date" I'm done with this.

Got religion?

I went out with my new friend, Chi, for the evening. She was invited to a karaoke party in SJ. So I met up with her and we went together.

On the drive down the freeway, she mentioned that she had coffee with the guy she'd hate a date with last week. I happily asked her how things were going between the two of them. Last week she had been concerned about a difference in age between them. This time she started by implying that it had worked out. Then she revealed that the concern was traded in for a bigger quandary. It turns out that he's Mormon.

Geez I felt like we were walking parallel universes. I couldn't help think about my own religious question. Chi didn't know much about Mormons. I told her that I knew many in high school and some notions of their beliefs and practices. I tried not to reveal too much as I didn't want to negatively bias her, but my comments did confirm her own limited knowledge.

Who would guess that a Korean-American would be Mormon? His father attended BYU and converted. Her date completed his mission, which explained why one might think he's younger than he actually is. She's very perplexed by the situation. After all, if someone's is traditionally religious, why would one choose to date a non-religious person? When Chi asked this, my rationale was that perhaps he is having trouble meeting someone within his own groups and is trying to find someone who would be open-minded. What needs to be determined is how devout he is to his religious principles and what his expectations would be of his non-religious spouse.

It was so bizarre to talk through this since I had been asking this myself. She was really frustrated and confused. He clearly is interested in her as he makes sure to talk to her on a regular basis and arranges the next date before the previous one ends. He invited over to his place for dinner this Tuesday. She was pretty honest about it, besides the other "rules," she wants to know his stance on pre-marital sex. I said it for her, people want a test drive before they buy the car. Maybe it's early to talk about, but these are things to keep in mind.

In the end, I think we both agreed to let it go for a little while. She has every right to say no and slow things down if he initiates more physical contact with her after dinner. Since it's not clear yet that anyone wants a relationship, you might as well just be yourself and get to know each other. I suggested that if in a few more dates the question do not resolve themselves, then it's fair to have a direct conversation about it. That seemed to be reasonable for Chi.

I didn't get long to share my experience, but I had to ask for her assessment. She knew about the three-person dinner. I think she was a confused as I am about the "wingman." She thought that perhaps this was KT's way to explore a few things in a casual way. I gave her a quick synopsis of the evening to demonstrate that it was a normal, get-to-know type of dinner. She did encourage me to still pursue communication with him regardless of any action he takes. Her opinion was that it wouldn't hurt to try and won't change the outcome.

I gave her an example of the e-mail I planned to write, to say that I enjoyed the dinner and wanted to know the name of the restaurant that he mentioned. Chi said that wasn't enough and if he replied that I needed to follow up and suggest that we go eat there sometime. I griped that I just wish men would try at least for a little while. Her explanation is that women have always needed to do the work because men won't.

On the way home, we briefly also talked about dating preferences - the big question about dating white men. It's interesting talking to Chi because I feel like our heads have been on the same track. She's positive marriage will happen, but she also acknowledges that children may not happen the way she imagines in. Adoption is a viable option if marriage comes late. The question is whether to be open to more options in order to find the right man.

Dating is so tiring yet we all want to find that happy place. What makes this such as hard goal? Why are there so many of us, women and men, who are good people but can't find the right connection?

Sorting out the facts

Okay, so the last entry was more factual than analysis. I've been revisiting a book that I have about dating. Yes, I own one of these books. I, like most girls, can't help read these. It's because after years of failed relationships and being single, one can't help question if you're missing something.

I'm still thinking through it all. I don't know what to think. I'm trying to figure out what I learned about KT and how that applies to what I want.

1) He's Chinese. Culturally, it is such a plus because I want that in my life and for my children. It's such a contrast from the way I grew up. Even though everyone around me was white, I never felt that I fit in. Look at my friends now, they're predominantly Chinese and certainly mostly Asian. As much as I think of myself as American, people who don't "look" it will always be outsiders.

2) He's intelligent. The jury is still out on this one. Clearly he is good at academics considering his qualifications and profession. The question is whether his mind and mine have similiar speeds, levels, and interests. I have a problem of feeling intimidated by some of the men I've dated.

3) Personal responsibility. He gives the appearance that he can handle himself. His church retreat is a good example of being given a responsibility and following through to complete the job. Also, buying a house means many more responsibilities in the future and he appears willing to take them on.

4) Cares about his career. I would have liked to ask him more about his job and what he thinks of it. I admit that's probably one thing I held back on since it was not a date. It was interesting, now that I think about it, because none of us talked about work. At least he recognized the importance of staying to earn seniority. Given the chance I'd ask him more about how he feels about his work.

5) Healthy family relationships? At least there seems to be respect at home and he mentioned talking to his sister. I think it's natural that he is closer with his sister and still developing a relationship with his much younger brother.

6) Religion. It's a double-edged sword for me. While I feel that you are more likely to meet a good person with excellent values, the level of devotion to God is what could be a dealbreaker. Though I find some peace in praying I can't say that I believe in a being that looks over us. I feel the principles of good living are good for people who need guidance. I don't count this as something I must have, I just list it here because it's a BIG question mark with someone like KT.

7) Integrity. Given his cultural background, profession, and religion I give him the benefit of the doubt at this point. Obviously this is a difficult trait to assess and comes with time.

8) Financial responsibility. His profession would help you assume that he will have a stable income. Buying a house would indicate that he is prepared to manage his money.

9) Emotional maturity. Unknown. From this situation with setting up the dinner I can't say my assessment is positive yet.

10) Ability to communicate. We've had some good discussions. We have some things in common to talk about and he has been good at both sharing his personal opinions and seeking out advice.

11) Affectionate. Unknown. His demeanor so far would indicate that he's reserved. I suppose this is something you'd have to assess further in a relationship and perhaps watching him interact with family and his nieces.

12) Understanding. It's very tempting to pair this with patience because I know the person I need is someone who can be there through my mood changes and insecurities. He needs this for work and seems to understand the needs of his family.

Overall, he's doing well so far. I really think that if he were interested in getting to know me better, he would have used our time in the car as an opportunity to set up a future date. He could just be a very deliberate type of person (though that might drive me nuts). I still can't believe that my dentist is his brother-in-law. Could he check up on me that way too? ;)

I'll give it until Tuesday. If I don't hear from him then I know it's just a friend connection. I will write him regardless since I want to know about that Malay-Singaporean restaurant near the BART station.

Nice but huh?

So I went to dinner with KT and Dave. I had no idea what to expect so I did my best to not think about it.

I arrived at the cafe right on time but did not recognize anyone walking between the aisles of books. I found myself feeling a bit anxious, a little excited at seeing KT again but also frustrated not knowing the context.

I positioned myself in an aisle that had a clear view of the cafe entrance. I picked up a book that only had one copy left. It is a book about a woman who disguised herself as a man and lived that way for six months. I had read a brief description about the book in Time magazine a few weeks ago and it sounded fascinating. Her conclusions were that men are caught in traditional expectations that force them to be confident than they are prepared to be.

Anyhow, as I skimmed a random page in the book, I eyed a pair of khakis walking towards me. I didn't look up at first because I wanted to be sure they were coming at me rather than walking by me. Sure enough, the pant legs paused just behind me. When I looked up I saw Larry. He was hesitant but fairly sure he recognized me. We had just enough time to greet each other when I spotted KT coming the the door.

We started chatting there on the spot. I can't recall but I think we could have stood there for sometime. I felt I had to interject and ask about dinner because my stomach had been growling ever since I circle the streets for a parking space. KT quickly suggested Spice Malay, and I happily concurred. I don't think Dave was familiar with the place.

I must walk fast because I always seemed to be in the lead as we walked the three blocks to the restaurant. Mostly, KT and I conversed as we walked. The first question I recall him asking is where my friends live. We also discussed the different Singaporean-Malay restaurants in the area. He brought up that I work in Fmt and guessed that I drove across the bridge. I say yes and added that the commute is fine since it's reverse. I then added that Gry was a far place to drive to and he responded similarly about it being a reverse commute. He further shared that he had considered transfering to a closer location but he wants to wait until he gets his seniority. It takes three years at Kr. The night air was definitely a sign that winter had returned after the two weeks of spring the area had had.

I'd like to think I was myself most of the night. There were times when I paused and questioned myself, but that was more about etiquette, such as when I reached the door first. It would have been nice to have the door opened for me but it just didn't seem like that would happen. I also took the lead on telling the host to seat the three of us.

It was a typical, rectangular table with four seats. As the first person to reach it, I took the seat against the wall. KT followed by seating opposite me while Larry sat next to him. Don't you just love the fear of proximity between the sexes.

The night lasted about 2.5 hours in total. We covered a multitude of topics and it would be unrealistic for me to attempt to review them all in detail. The best I can do is write out my thoughts as I recall them.

- sports, coaching changes and performance of EB and R teams
I mentioned the firing of the R mascot.
We discussed watching basketball games live, the success of basketball coaches, and the series of football coaches at both schools since our undergrad days.
Reminiscing about rivalry games and watching from the Hill

- ordering and food
What's the difference between Singaporean and Malaysian cuisine?
I knew the neighborhood restaurants well, but not because I eat out all the time
He said there's a good Malay place near the UC subway, so I'll have to get the name from him sometime.
KT has to remember to call home so his parents don't expect him for dinner
I cook when friends are around so the food gets eaten

- eating habits
Eating leftovers, saving half of lunch for dinner
I mentioned that I have eaten tatertots in the past as dinner. KT commented that's not a bad meal. But then I added it is when you eat them with mayonnaise

- housing, living where the single people are
Larry had seen some article on Match that said the ratio of men to women in Sunnyvale is reverse compared to most of the Silicon Valley
People had asked why KT didn't buy a place in MH, but he wants to be near single people.
Everyone he works with is married.
He hates all the high-density housing and recognizes he'll likely have to buy an older place to get the land. He still wouldn't really reveal what or where he's looking. At least I got him to admit he actually lives in Upin even though he keeps saying Syl. Larry lives on Hmtd so Upin is basically across the street.

- dating in LA versus SF
Female friends of KT's say that Bay Area guys are anti-social and LA guys are jerks
He's attended two C2A events in LA. They are much bigger than the ones here. The groups are split by geography.
He once chatted with someone he met through the event and she mistook him for someone else she had met. She started asking him about his travel to London. He said he never traveled much, only to Taiwan.
I joked about the awkward "Dead People in the Elevator" guy I once met.
Mentioned that a friend of mine is getting married to someone she met a speed dating. They seemed impressed.
KT laughed and said, "I don't know what older women talk about but I have 50 and 60-year old men who come to my office. They ask if I'm married then they tell me "don't ever get married!" He laughed because the men just seemed so unhappy and grumpy. My response to that was to tell them about this traing session I once had at a company. One of the charts explained how you shorten life expectancy depending on your choices. You know, smoking decreases life by a few years. I told them how a woman not getting married decrease their life by a year or two. On the other hand, men who don't get married lost seven years. We all laughed. I mentioned how one of my co-workers, a single guy in his mid-30s was really disturbed for a couple days. It was funny. KT, with his logic, agreed it made sense because women keep on their husbands to eat healthy.

- learning languages
KT took intermediate level Mandarin. His class included many foreign student from Asia who used chracters differently than for Chinese.
Larry joked "Do you need a tutor?" as he pointed at KT.
His parents are originally from P. His grandfather emigrated there. They tend to speak Mandarin with a Taiwanese accent though they speak another dialect at home.
He critiqued how Taiwanese are lazy when the pronounce Mandarin and how "z" and "zh" sound similar. He doesn't seem to like that his mom pronounces Mandarin with a Taiwanese accent but can't really complain since she speaks it better than him. What is it with the snobbiness about speaking correctly?
I mentioned learning French for five years when I talked about going to Europe this year for vacation. I mentioned how I try and take a vacation every year and hope to go to Asia next year. I think they nodded their heads.
He took a little French but never really kept it up. He learned Spanish on the fly and took medical Spanish at Sdo.
We all talked about how it's odd that when we can't think of a word in one language, we switch to another foreign language rather than revert to English. How does this have to do with how the brain compartmentalizes learnings?

- organizing church activities
Most of KT's time last year was consumed by leading the coordination of an annual retreat for the church. The retreat including LA sister group. They are both Chinese Catholic.
He got suckered into the job by a friend trying to pass on the responsibilities. It also meant he put off house hunting.
He had to help with fundraising and many trips to Costco.

- East Coast vs SoCal vs NorCal
LA grew on him after living there for six years. He got tired of clubbing but likes how easy it was to find places open late at night. Even SF is not as good. He admitted that LA grew on him towards the end of his years living there. Sdo was never a fond place for him. He complained that it was always brown and conservative.
KT moved to the BA from Rch when he was 12. He was old enough to recognize the cultural differences. He still feels more like an East Coast person in terms of his speech and views though he probably is more casual now. I think he likes the Bay Area and sees no reason to leave.
I explained that I'm technically a midwesterner since I was there until the age of six. KT joked, "so you enjoyed routing for the Badgers when they played the R in the Rose Bowl." He smilled as I gently cheered at the thought. He's got good humor about the whole rivalry thing. I think that mostly because of his sister.
- living at home (parental relations)
I changed subjects and said, "So you must get along well with your parents to live at home?"
KT's reaction was had to described, it was a little skeptical and a little bit of disbelief. He seemed to try and phrase it properly stating simply that he's the only child that they don't currently have issues with. He said that he's also probably somewhat of a buffer between his parents since his dad seems to like control?.
His mother still works. His dad is retired but keeps busy doing things like voluntering to teach driver's ed for AARP. His dad is also active fighting growth and construction projects in Upin.
I mentioned how my dad keeps busy with orchestra and other hobbies he's tried over the years. He asked how old my dad is. Thought about the math but say much about it.
His sister has a tough relationship with Dad because I guess he has standards. I can imagine what things must be like for her as the oldest.
Overall they're pretty good, they let him come and go as he pleases and don't constantly check on him. He's tried to offer to pay for things but he says it's probably a matter of pride that they won't accept anything from him.
He's lived at home ever since he came back to the Bay Area. He didn't expect things like the church retreat to take away all his househunting time.
He was very intrigued by the fact that I'm from Cd. I guess there are family who live in that area. He was wondering if my parents might know them. I wonder if he's as intrigued as I am about our six degrees of separation?
Somehow I mentioned my school and that four people went to R. KT immediately popped up and asked who they were. I had thought about this previously but figured he wouldn't not know them. I rattled off three names but nothing rang a bell. I added that they are all now attorneys and he agreed that they wouldn't have known each other. The fourth person did not actually end up attending R until grad school.

- siblings (dentist)
So I knew previously KT has a sister. I guess she is older because of the EB thing. It just seemed like if she nagged him about it, she had to be older. KT also has a brother.
I mentioned I have a significantly younger brother. KT asked by how much and I told them nine years. I then turned the question back on him and asked about his siblings.
His sister is two years older. They have a pretty good relationship.
He and his brother are separate by more years than me and my brother. It definitely sounds like an accident, but he couldn't get his mother to admit it.
The relationship with his brother has improved as they've gotten older. I can definitely agree that getting past college has added more common understanding of life. Still he doesn't see much of his brother because when he visits home he goes out with friends the whole time. KT was funny in recalling changing his brother's diapers and how weird it is to think about that now that he's grown up.
Somehow I mentioned that I previously lived in Blt. KT mentioned that his brother-in-law has a practice there. He then elaborated that he's a dentist. Alarm bells went off in my head but I simply figured there's a lot of dentists in Blt. I acknowledged my dentist is there. Then KT said his first name... . I immediately knew and admitted that that is my dentist. Wow, what a small world. KT continued to describe a few things about Dr.'s personality and I could totally imagine it. We talked about their kids and the office staff. He told a story about once being on the phone with his sister and hearing the girls playing in the background. A few minutes later he could hear the girls fighting. His sister turned away from the phone and complained to her husband, "S, I asked you to watch the girls for a few minutes... ." Kind of odd hearing about your dentist outside of work eh?

Larry is an only child. KT said that he doens't have middle child syndrome since his brother came so much later. I offered my perspective that my brother and I are like only children who are related. In the midst of the conversation, I reinforced how much I still appreciate having a brother because I always wanted a sibling. I risked offering my personal belief that if I have children I have to have two. I think they both were nodding their heads in agreement as I explained that I think it's important because they learn to socialize and shared.

- snowboarding
Talked a little bit about skiing and snowboarding. KT simply explained he guessed I was a snowboarder because most of his female friends are boarding these days. He's only tried twice and not recently.
Larry asked me for tips on how to be prepared for learning snowboarding. I told him there really wasn't much to say except be prepared for some frustration and a lot of sitting. That's when I remember to warn him to buy waterproof pants. KT agreed and also mentioned wearing a jacket with an inner gaiter to prevent snow from getting up your clothing.
I asked whether the church had ski trips they could join. KT looked at Larry and joked, "You're going to organize one, right?"

- Mty weekend
Towards the end of the evening, KT asked what folks were doing for the three-day weekend. He is going with a friend down to Mty for a couple days. I could never determine whether it was a man or woman because he always referred to the person as "my friend" and avoided the use of pronouns. It made me very curious. He solicited my suggestions for things to do while they were down there. I mentioned Sq, Pcg for butterflies (though it's likely too late in the season), the aquarium area, and 17. I also recommended Cream for dinner. I honestly haven't been down there in almost three years. Even Dave was wondering why I knew the area so well. I didn't think I did. Honestly, since KT is the long-time resident I was surprised he was asking me. That's why I couldn't help wonder if he was going with a girl and wanted a female perspective.
Larry is hoping to get the guys together to play tennis on Monday.

So there's all the random conversations we had. Larry was still fairly quiet and there were times I felt I was directly talking with KT, but it went well. We started to run out of steam around 9:30pm. There were several pauses, but somehow KT always found a subject to continue the conversation. Frankly, I really wanted to go home and pee. Plus, I just didn't know where this whole dinner meeting was going.

When the bill came, Dave slid it in his direction. KT then pulled his wallet out as he continued to talk. I felt awkward and pulled my wallet out so as to match their motions. At first KT dropped a $20 on the table. Larry immediately told him "no" because he owed him for a previous time. After some quibbling, he put the $20 back down. I added $16, asking if that was about right. Larry decided to take the cash and pay by credit card. KT checked the bill and threw in an extra dollar after Larry gave him my $5 bill as change. They had me take the leftovers.

We said goodnight to our waiter on left around 10pm. Outside the restaurant we pointed to the location of each of our cars. Larry looked like he was ready to dash off. KT asked if I wanted a ride to my car since I was the only one who parked near the cafe. I paused for a minute. I usually prefer to walk, but considering it was late and cold, I told him "yes."

His car was parked just to the side of the post office. I was curious to see what car he was driving. He was driving his dad's old Mercedes. As he worked to unlock the passenger door, he commented if he didn't drive it no one would. He apologized the messiness and placed some items in back so that I could sit.

The four block drive was very mellow. No one said anything for the first block. Somehow he brought back up his weekend plans. He'll stay at the Super 8. I mentioned that that might be the hotel with the nice beach location. His friend will be scuba diving so he plans to rollerblade. I showed some surprise that he was not accompanying the friend (very careful not to say he or she). I offered that maybe he could seakayak next to his buddy.

That's when we came upon my car. He just noted it was a VW. He pulled in front of it and stopped. I turned towards him, said something about dinner, and wished him a good weekend. As I shut the door, I said goodbye but don't remember seeing his face for some reason.

And that's the end of the night. Of course, I drove home perplexed. What was this evening all about?

If he had wanted a date he certainly had the opportunity with me in his car. Nothing. I'm sad about it because I do like him. He seems like a decent person. It would be nice to get to know him better and see if there's any potential. So bizarre.

Honestly I don't think I expect to hear from him again. I will hope of course, but I don't feel like I was given any indication that there would be future meetings. This whole encounter has made me question how I feel about my life, my relationships, my ability to make decisions. I experienced such elation, anxiety, hope, confusion, etc. that I haven't found in some time. I feel like it's part of me that got boxed up and put in a dusty closet this last year and some. What now?

Analysis Paralysis

So just when I thought things were going well, I was thrown a curve. KT did write back Sunday night with expected reliability. (Frankly I think he must be a very structured person.) But the e-mail included a comment that made me question the whole situation.

Basically, after he agreed to Thursday, he added that he's been meaning to meet up with Larry and asked if he could join us. That doesn't sound like a date to me. There are of course several theories people could make from this. I sent or explained the e-mail to a few girlfriends (naturally). Take your pick of scenarios:

1) He's shy and need a security blanket friend
2) It's actually his friend who wants to meet me and this is a "bait and switch" dinner
3) He wants to keep this casual (a pre-date)
4) He changed his mind but didn't have the nerve to back out
5) He just wants to be friends
6) He has little dating experience and has no idea what he's doing

Did I miss anything?

When I didn't reply by Tuesday evening, he wrote me on Wednesday morning to check that I was back in town and still available for Thursday. I wrote to confirm the plan and asked if he had an idea where to eat or suggest he call me after 10pm to discuss.

Well, he tried calling around 9:45pm but I accidentally sent his call to voicemail. His voice wasn't all that impressive. KT suggested we meet at a local cafe and decide on a restaurant then. The cafe he mentioned didn't rind a bell. I tried calling back at 10pm (when my tv show was over) but he didn't answer. I then read the e-mail he sent to follow up to the call. There he did mention that Larry will join us. I clarified that the name of the cafe in question had probably changed.

Sure enough, he wrote this morning to say that I probably had the right place. We'll see what happens tonight. I have very low expectations of the whole thing... probably better for me, but I still can't help be a little disappointed and confused.

Larry was rather quiet the time I met him. I feel like they have an unfair advantage in that they can talk to each other. It's very intimidating to try and maintain a conversation with two people you don't know. Things might be just fine. On the other hand, if one of them is quiet, I'll be spending a lot of time trying to balance the conversation (because that's how I am in group situations like this), which is not me and they will form an inaccurate impression of me.

Oh well... it's just so much easier to be single and forget about all this dating.

Murphy's law of anticipation

Do you ever find yourself ready to turn around on some rural road because you think you've missed the turn off? Do you later learn that if you had just gone another mile there would have been an obvious sign telling you that you had reached your destination? I can't count how many times I've felt like that in my life.

Monday morning I went through that with my e-mail. I was so disappointed over the weekend that KT had not asked me for a date. Why else give me his card and e-mail me? I was so frustrated. When I logged into my account this morning, I expected my new e-mails to either be photos from my weekend hike or updates on the upcoming ski trip. I wasn't paying attention at all when his name popped up. I had to look at the e-mail title and his name for a good second or two for it to register.

Happily, I opened the e-mail to see what I had been hoping for the first time he wrote. The e-mail was a light, friendly, and self-deprecating e-mail that ended with him asking about meeting up for coffee or dinner. He also provided his phone number. Ah, relief... .

It's been a fun conversation. I've learned about his living and househunting situation. Remember, I'm doing my best not to judge, but when I learned that he lives at home, a few things came to mind:

1) He's brave
2) He has a good relationship with his parents
3) He's the baby of the family and is spoiled

We've had fun harassing each other about Cal and Stanfurd. He immediately noted my "spelling impediment" and I remarked to their lovely 800 number. It's silly but it makes me smile. I should probably stop poking fun until we meet in person. It is a good, healthy way to start.

But today I find myself perplexed again. Admittedly, maybe daily e-mail are too much and we should wait for a date or talk on the phone. BUT, he hasn't actually initiated a time for the date. When he asked about dinner, I indicated that I would like to have dinner but not this week. I specifically even wrote, "next week?" It would be nice if he could suggest a day and I could respond. I guess he's waiting until Sunday or Monday to ask? Arghhhh. . . .

Nice guy, but he's needs to be a little bit more definitive in his pursuit. This would just be more evidence for my cousin's reasons why she doesn't date Asian men. They aren't assertive enough. So we'll just see what happens.

I hate playing games, but maybe the next time he write I'll wait a little longer before replying. Not only to make him realize the anxiety it causes but also to help me chill and be more patient about dating. After all, we might just be friends after the one date. I have to step back from hoping this will be it because I think that state of mind has doomed me in the past. It's time to focus on getting to know him to see if he's what I want not just about getting him to want to marry me.

Divorcee Can't Accept "No"

Come on... when you try to let a guy down easy, they think it's an opening for another chance. I clearly advised him that he needs more time to deal with his divorce. I took a year plus off from dating because I knew I still had issues. He needs to focus on making more friends first. Women don't like being mean about it, but with e-mails like this, it's not worth it trying to be nice. And what's with the comment about me being "challenging?"

"Hi, I realize that you may not have felt any chemistry the other night, but I really enjoyed talking with you. It was brief, but I think you're bright, honest, a good communicator, open, candid, interesting, challenging and more, and I feel like the conversationwas just starting when Peet's closed (I should have remembered it closed early before suggesting to changeto that Peet's :(). I was definitely reserved and somewhat avoidant (of eye contact), but I think that was because I was still warming up to the idea of meeting someone new. If we don't put too much meaninginto it, would you like to still continue to gettogether for meals/hikes/etc. I really think I would enjoy talking with you further. K"

Benefit of doubt for a divorcee

Knowing that Yahoo! Personals would cut off their free response option mid-January, I put myself on for one last attempt. Frankly, I've grown very wary of Internet dating. I know it works for a lot of people, but it's not for me. I know myself well enough to say that I'm not good about engaging with people I don't know. E-mail is fairly easy for most people. I don't think it's a good way to determine how personable someone truly is. I lose incentive to keep up the communications quickly. I did even with my last boyfriend within three weeks.

I got a handful of responses. Depressingly, most were over 40 (I'm 34) and several were divorced. I also received communications from two people who were clearly outside of the type of person I wanted to meet as described in my profile. I am still a firm believer that if I state my requirements, I'm serious about it and am not going to pay attention to people outside of that. I would never write it into my profile, but the fact is if you're white you'd better be damned good looking, sharp, and a good guy for me to want to respond. It's biased, I know, but it's my personal preference.

So I tried writing two men, both of whom are divorced. They seemed fine but as I said I was really bad about keeping up the correspondence. Joe looks like a decent guy, but the confidence he tried to convey in his writing came across to me as a little creepy. He kept reassuring me what a great guy I'd find him to be if I'd write back. Am I overanalyzing when I say that it feels a little desperate and weird to tout yourself to a stranger? So I just never wrote back. Maybe I'm being rash but there have to be some rules about proper conversation.

The second guy was a little dry but he sounded okay. When it was clear I was going to drag my feet, he suggested meeting for coffee. That's an easier way for me to get over the hump though I always dread meeting guys since it's so random. We agreed to meet on Friday night at a local Peet's.

I arrived a bit early and simply enjoyed my book. When he finally arrived, he wasn't sure if it was me. He had a goofy smile on his face which to me said, "wow, I can't believe how cool she looks," but in a stunned way. I just didn't like the look of him. There's something about big, round faces that's not attractive to me. He bought us coffee and we sat down. The conversation was slow going, I knew within 10 minutes that I just wanted to go home.

I tried my best to keep an open mind, really I did. We talked a little about his job, or lack thereof. You see, he's on leave. His friend wrote him a letter for the insurance company explaining that he is mentally unable to cope due to his divorce. I had no idea it was this recent. He laughed about how much fun he was having and maybe would try to find a way to extend his absence. Besides travel he mentioned taking several courses for professional and personal development. Unfortunately, he mentioned a class on forgiveness and added "because I need to learn how to forgive my ex." He said it with such sarcasm and an uncomfortable laugh that I had to hide my discomfort.

The small talk was fine, but it was like when you have to play nice with a random stranger. It's not like there was one particular topic where we both became invested or mutually excited. That's what makes you want to know more about someone. In this situation, I was more just trying to keep the conversation going and move from topic to topic to keep it interesting.

He liked talking about his time off. It was clear he was feeling a bit awkward and had not dated in a long time. I felt sorry for the guy, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be friends with him. He's just not someone I could imagine knowing outside of a business relationship. I'm sure he had a bad time with the divorce, but that doesn't mean you show your pleasure in avoiding emergency spousal support. It just made me feel creepy. Why would I want to date someone who's going to treat others like that? (Of course, maybe I'd do the same thing in his shoes if I hated someone enough, but you still don't volunteer that kind of information to a stranger.)

As soon as I saw the employees cleaning up the shop, I alert the divorcee that we probably had to get going. I added that I probably need to go and meet up with a friend for dinner. He was caught off guard by this and commented that he was just about to ask where I wanted to go for dinner. As we walked towards me car, he started asking me questions about who I was meeting up with, do they live nearby, and where I was going. Well, I wasn't exactly interested in sharing that information. I feared he'd try and invite himself or something.

What a relief to get out of there. Eeck. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but he's not ready to be dating people.

To make matters more awkward he e-mailed me soon after the date. He explained that he sensed things might have not been ideal and asked if there were things he should not have mentioned. He wanted my feedback on what he did wrong. This is strange, I mean I don't want to tell him who to be. He needs more friends. He also asked if I would consider him to be a dinner pal if not a date. I tried to be polite but he tried pestering me for more information and for more dates and that's just annoying. When someone says thank you and good luck, that's it. I think for me the clingy desperate plea is just very unattractive. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt to this guy because I didn't want to stereotype divorced people as bad, but this experience only ended reinforcing my fear of attempting to engage in a relationship with any of them. The baggage seems the same as any serious breakup, but somehow the obstacles end up being much larger than expected.

As my cousin and I agree, I feel sorry for the guy but given there are so many other priorities in my life, I don't have time for charity dating.

Unjustified anxiety

I feel like I haven't been excited about a date in a year and a half. By Monday I was hoping to see an e-mail from KT. You'd think he could have even sent it Sunday night. But alas, I had no e-mail on Monday, not even from friends. I thought maybe my service wasn't working.

On Tuesday, still nothing. I was very sad. I was also upset at myself for getting so emotional over a man I met for only 20 minutes. I had to ask myself why this had become so important and why I was so smitten. This guy could be anyone. When I asked JB about him, all she could recall was that he was a friendly but quiet guy in school. That right there is a concern because after my last long-term boyfriend I wasn't really sure I wanted to deal with an introvert.

I didn't know what to do. Girls like to be asked out. I also was concerned about setting any kind of precedent that I would do all the chasing. But by the afternoon, I threw the rules out the door and sent him a brief e-mail. I didn't babble or share anything personal, I simply wrote to confirm his e-mail address and wish him a happy new year.

You could say it worked, because Wednesday he wrote back explaining that he had e-mailed me but had mistyped my address, making fun of his dyslexic episode. Only this morning did he get a bounce back e-mail. He politely narrated through what he did the rest of Saturday night. But that was it. So short, and no hint of wanting to get to know me. How odd.

Again I found myself in an etiquette quandary. He didn't ask me any open questions that would require a reply. So do I let it go, or do I give him a reason to continue the communications? I went with my gut and replied. It was the most basic e-mail, just acknowledging his e-mail and commenting on what happened at the speed dating based on Twin's experience.

There was no reply. Then again, should I care? If you think about that trendy book, "He's Just Not That Into You," then the response would be to forget about it. After all, the title makes a good point, if KT had interest in me, he needs to pursue it. No sense in me trying to get him to do something that isn't worth his time (or mine). Sigh... oh well.

Small world speed dating

I made an informal New Year's resolution for myself to go to one more speed dating event. I think I've now done four in the past three years with no success. Sometimes I still regret not dating Tan a little longer. He was a very well-mannered and great person. I just couldn't get past his short stature. I feel so bad about that. If I were taller and we were similar height, no big deal, but I can't stand the idea of both of us being 5'4" and under.

So last week I received an e-mail offering me a potentially free opportunity to attend a C2A event. I had had good luck with the previous event they sponsored. I couldn't help thinking my chances of being selected were potentially low. As a woman, I would assume they want to recruit more women who are younger than the men attending. Let's be honest, I'm not a spring chicken anymore (though maybe I can get away with that on paper for a couple more months). Well, it doesn't hurt to throw your hat in the ring so I registered not expecting to hear back.

On Friday, to my surprise, I received an e-mail saying that I was registered for Saturday's event. I was pleasantly surprised. It was also great that it was on my way to a Chinese New Year party so it wasn't out of my way. (Yes, I like optimizing my travel to the city.) I know I shouldn't be so cheap about opportunities to date when it's such an important goal in my life. It's just that these events are so unpredictable I'm unwilling to "invest" in something if I don't think I'm going to get any value out of it.

Saturday was a quiet day of organizing personal stuff. I tend to get very into the details and by 4:30pm I was pulling myself away from the computer. The time flew by and the next thing the clock read 5:20pm. I had hoped to be in the car already. When I finally pulled the car out of the driveway it was 5:45pm.

Normally that would still give me plenty of time to get to the city. Unfortunately, the lack of weather to the south was deceiving. Heading north on 101, the road became wetter and wetter. Traffic slowed for no apparent reason in many sections. It was clear that I was going to be late. The e-mail clearly reminds people that they must arrive on time or forfeit their seat without refund.

As I sped up the freeway I debated my options. Since I didn't pay and the party I planned to attend was not until 7:30pm I figure I could at least stop by the event. If I was challenged by traffic, how many more could possibly be late. Plus, even if I didn't get to participate, I was curious to see what guys turned up that I would have met. My curiosity kept me determined to get there.

At 6:30pm, I was within a couple miles of the bar. And by 6:40pm I was parking my car. It was funny to arrive and see dozens of people, mostly men, standing at the bar in pairs. It was a wall of Asian men in black coats waiting for someone to give them any command. I spotted a guy writing down names on a sheet. He explained to me that the organizers were stuck on the Bay Bridge and he was hoping the event would start by 7:30pm.

If the event did start by 7:30pm I figured I'd stay. So I bought myself a drink and sat off in a side area. None of the guys were particularly distinctive. One taller guy I noticed only because he wore prominent, black-framed glasses. He peaked my curiosity but my best guess said he was younger. There were a good number of taller guys. I just didn't have the nerve to approach anyone. Then again, neither did anyone else.

As I sat holding my drink, I found amusement in scanning the room. It was a classic example of what is the social limitation of Asians. Virtually everyone seemed to have some with a friend of the same gender and was tightly closed in conversation. I knew I was just as guilty as the rest of them, but I wasn't going to do anything about it.

The tables were being rearranged so I got up and moved over to the lounger area where people were sitting. I thought maybe I'd have a better chance of striking up a conversation with a person at another table. This group had it pairs but it also seemed like many of the loner men chose the cave in hopes of remaining out of sight.

I was getting pretty bored. One new guy who arrived late was the only person who seemed to be making a good effort at introducing himself to people. He knew he couldn't stay so he made the best of his opportunity. Kudos to him.

Fed up with sitting around, I decide to do a couple, slow laps through the building. Fortunately half way through the first one, another single woman crossed my path and we began to talk. Twin introduced herself. She lives in EB and is currently job hunting after finishing her MBA. We chatted about work, life and dating. It was nice to meet someone new and always to learn about other people's interest.

Twin asked me a difficult question - so what are you looking for? I paused when I tried to think up an answer. I told her my honest thought, that as I've gotten older, I'm not sure what I want. I explained to her my theory that there are elements I want that cannot coexist in the same person so I must choose one over the other when I meet each man. It's hard to give a specific example, but I think most people would agree. How often would you expect to meet an ambitious man who is also artistic and compassionate? How's that for a random example?

My best guess is that a half hour passed where Twin and I stood at various places within the bar open area. The event guy had announced that we'd probably start the speed dating around 8pm so she wanted a drink. We ended up standing with range of the front door as we continued to chat.

I mentally debated leaving as this guy walked by. He looked our way with a friendly face, so I threw out a hook and commented, "you guys giving up on this?" He walked over and introduced himself as Larry. His friend was a little past me, talking on his cell phone. When he finished talking, he joined Dave and introduced himself as KT.

Ah, so this is nice, finally meeting a few strangers since I wasn't going to be meeting anyone else. I think we all got along pretty well. Larry was a bit quieter, so there were many times it felt like a three-person conversation. I know we learned that KT was househunting. Twin and I were encouraging in the respect that the market has slowed so prices are better. We also chatted a bit about Chinese New Year and Alam.

In the midst of the conversation, I think Twin had asked where I was from. When I told they Sdo, KT inquired where. Now normally when people ask this, they have no idea of these smaller cities, so I wasn't sure why he was curious. I told him North County and followed up by asking him whether he once lived in Sdo. He explained he lived there during med school. To my knowledge there's only one, and somehow my mouth connected that with JB faster than my brain. I immediately asked when he had been there. You could see him pulling a dusty old file from his brain before he recalled 1993 to 1998. My brain said "wow" that those were the exact years JB attended. I then asked if he knew her plus a slew of other names and explained that I was her high school friend. While he recognized the names, it did not appear he was close friends with any of them. Still these small world encounters are entertaining. Twin was astounded as this cosmic coincidence.

I didn't want to alienate Twin or Larry from the conversation so we moved to another topic. Somehow again, the spotlight turned back on me. Somehow, someone asked where I went to school and I told them EB. There went KT's brain again doing more mysterious calculations. My guess is knowing I was probably the same age as JB, he shared that I must have gone to EB during the years when they lost the rivalry game. It seemed a bit odd to recall, but I turned it around and optimistically topped that by reminding everyone that those loses were followed by three bowl games victories.

KT was a bit quiet. I asked if he went to EB and he replied that his sister did. I wanted to ask him where he went to school when it hit me that his non-volunteering demeanor could only mean one thing, "you went to the other school didn't you?" He very diminutively said, "yes." From there we got into some random discussions about the R band and the like. He has a cheery smile on his face as he reminisced about watching his band perform. Yeah, whatever. He tried to be very neutral and a matter a fact about the band when we explained to Twin. (Like I said, sometimes you didn't notice Dave.)

Larry did get attention for a little bit. I asked him what he does. He works for a company in Sdo but lives here. We asked him a little more about the logistics of working remotely.

A five-minute warning sounded from the organizer and are foursome began to rustle. KT looked at me (and maybe Twin) to ask if I do any hiking. He pulled out his wallet and wrote an e-mail address on his business card and then handed one to each of us. Twin has come around and moved to my left so that she was standing next to KT to give him one of her cards. I also pulled out my last two cards, wrote down my personal e-mail and gave them each one.

As we all began to pull away, I asked one final question, "by the way, how do you two know each other?" Twenty minutes had passed and we never asked the guys this. They looked at each other and KT answered, "church and tennis (mostly tennis)." Dave confirmed that response. A little alarm bell went off in my head at the church comment. I don't want to say there's no chance, but certainly it's a dealbreaker if he a devout Christian.

And with that, I swung my coat over my head to prepare to leave. Twin implored me to stay for the dating, but I knew it was time to go. I had kind of hoped that maybe I could time my departure to leave with the guys, but they were busy filling out refund cards.

Overconfidence?

So I tried Yahoo! Personals for a couple weeks to see if I could meet anyone new. Frankly, I'm kind of burned out on Internet dating. For me personally, it's too hard to get a feel for men you meet this way. Most people can write a decent e-mail. What's challenging is adding in the correct emphasis to tell whether someone's joking or something else. I find that if the person seem decent, I just like to arrange a coffee meeting to test the chemistry. If you write someone for more than three weeks without meeting, I think the expectations that develop can set you up for disappointment.

This is why I've given up on Internet dating. I'll have to stick to putting myself out there through speed dating. [Ugh] I need the face-to-face experience. Even speed dating can guy you the wrong initial impression about the person, but at least you can filter out the obvious duds right away.

So two of the guys who wrote me were divorced. Never in my life have I allowed myself to consider this group of people. It's like buying something that been returned and taped shut by Target. You have no idea what's been touched and what pieces might be missing from the package. Come on, admit it, you've reached back on a shelf to get a fresh box that no one else has touched.

In the past few years, I have met people where one of them was divorced. Not that I know these people terribly well, but it opened my mind that some people are mature enough to realize something didn't work and moved on. They are competent, good people who deserve a second chance.

Well, I still have some work to do on this topic. This guy's picture seemed decent, but I felt like he got a little pushy waiting for my response. I very quickly shy away from people that become too aggressive. It reminds me of a guy I met a friend's wedding years ago. Man, he just got to close to me at the wedding. When he asked my friend, the bride, for my contact info, I politely declined a date. He must have talked with her, because she then wrote me another e-mail trying to convince me to give him a shot. What I wrote back to her as my reasons for saying "no" I think got forwarded to him. He wrote me a follow up e-mail that seemed annoyed and maybe angry that I was being so stubborn. Eeck so much for wedding dating.

Anyhow, so the divorced guy, J, he wrote a couple times trying to convince me to respond. But the more he wrote, the more uncomfortable I got. Maybe he was simply trying too hard, maybe I was interpreting it the wrong way but he just got overly confident about himself and it left a bad taste in my mouth. You be the judge... in hindsight I was probably to quick to judge. The original e-mail said a little about himself and then asked me a laundry list of questions that overwhelmed me.

"Hey, Welcome home. Too bad you couldn't combine business with pleasure while you were down south. Maybe next time.I have to admit that I nearly deleted your email. As I get lots of spam, the To field threw me off. :-). Also, the subject line was abbreviated in my web browser, so I only saw Have a great trip. Sure looked spammish. I'm glad I took the time to actually read the email.Sounds like you had yourself a great weekend. Yes, the weather was beautiful today, so I did manage to get out and hit the driving range. As I'm not a big football fan, I didn't catch a single game. I'll probably tune in when March Madness rolls around, or when baseball season starts.I realize that I was a bit verbose in my last email, so take your time absorbing all that I said. In re-reading my email, I discovered that I was a bit dyslexic, leaving out words left and right. I guess I just type too slow, or my mind works too fast, or maybe I have dyslexia and just don't know it ;-).I can relate to taking classes at night, sort of. As I've mentioned before, I'm trying to learn some Argentine Tango, so I've been taking classes as well as working with someone. I never really thought of myself as anal, but I do realize that I have a tendency to try to get good at something I'm interested in, or at least proficient enough. So I'll probably keep at this tango thing for a bit longer, or until something better comes along.I can totally understand about not having enough time. Sometime we just have too much to do and not enough hours in the day to do them in. Family, friends, work, and ourselves. It's even more difficult when trying to date, trying to weed through the good and bad apples. I'd like to think I'm a good apple, great for some but not right for others. Should you want the opportunity to practice your Mandarin, I'd be happy to be your guinea pig. My Mandarin isn't great, in terms of depths of knowledge, but my pronunciation is pretty darn good. As least that's what my parents tell me :-). And good for you, for wanting to learn Mandarin. I can tell you, from personal experience, that it's handy to be able speak and read Chinese. It's the only way you'll get the special menus at Chinese restaurants ;-). Have yourself a great week. I look forward to continuing our conversation. J"

Five days later...

"Hi, Just wanted to touch base and see if you've had a chance to digest my past emails :-). I realize that you have a busy schedule, with work and classes, and of course, dating. I certainly hope to have an opportunity to get to know you better and to answer all your questions. I'm sure you have your doubts about someone who's been divorced before. Maybe I can or maybe I can't alleviate your concerns, but I think it would be worth your while to at least find out. The worst that could happen is you'll prove your concerns are valid; the best is, of course, that you'll find out what a great guy I am ;-). Have yourself an awesome weekend! J"

Hello and where do you live?

Do I have a billboard on my back that says, "Help me, I'm desperate for a man?" I know EV's mom means the best for me, but these attempts to set me up are bizarre. Of the three people my mother's friends have tried to set me up with, none of them have roots in the area. Why is it okay to arrange meetings between people who potentially live hundreds of miles apart?

1) Guy in Taiwan: His selling point was that he *might* be moving back to the states. Yeah, uh, okay.

2) Guy in Vancouver: Okay, he seems like a decent set up. For once I'd say they chose a bit more appropriately. But really, how is this supposed to work if we like each other? My mom's reponse was, oh I'm sure he'd be willing to come visit you every week or two. I feel uncomfortable imposing on his time like that. This is no way to establish a relationship with someone. I don't even have the capability to dial internationally from my home phone.

3) EV's mom wants me to sit next to the 1st cousin, who is a physician, at her wedding. Oh, and did we mention, in two months he's moving to St. Louis. Yeah, that's a good time to start a relationship. At the wedding, his name card got moved around (not by me, by accident) and he ended up sitting across. Well, he didn't seem to be very excited to be there. He did attempt to make conversation with the woman next to him, the groom's sister. But otherwise, I don't feel he made much effort to talk to people further away from him at the table. I just didn't like the displeased look on his face.

Come on. If I had one request for people out there who want to set friends or children up on dates, I'd ask them to first meet the other person and ask themselves if this person is a potential fit. Even my own mother admits a couple of the guys seemed inappropriate. This is not something you do randomly, PLEASE think through what the two people are like before you force them to spend three hours together over dinner. The Asian mentality of, they'll get along because their both [insert your nationality here] is too simplistic. You know your friend/child at least enough to have an idea of their personality and what won't work.

Intuition answered the phone

I had talked with Vancouver since his call after our date. I knew he was in Germany for work but not for how long. Frankly works been a mess so the thought hadn't crossed my mind to e-mail him out of politeness. A week had passed before I paused to think about the situation. Frankly, my conclusion was that if I couldn't take a few minutes to think about him, this really wasn't something that was appealing to me.

He's a nice guy. He's the kind of "safe" man you can date and marry. Sadly it lacks excitement. And though there's no guarantee that married life will stay exciting, I suppose you ideally still want a man who has that potential. Starting out boring says something about personality and compatability to me.

So I let another week go by without doing anything. Given that he was out of the country, I figured I'd hear from him eventually. I was on my cell phone when the home phone rang Sunday evening. As I came to the phone, I wondered who was calling. In a moment of clarity, I realized that it might be Alan, so I chose to let the answering machine pick up.

I was right. "Thank God!" is what went through my mind. I didn't want to have another droll conversation pretending to be entertained. I also wasn't ready to discuss next steps. Hearing his message, however, I knew I needed to respond. Monday, I composed an e-mail expressing my honest doubt in my ability to keep up with a long distance relationship where neither of us know much about the other. I didn't assign blame and chose my words carefully so as not to imply that I am not attracted to him. Moreover I explained that I need someone close by who I can spend time with. That wasn't going to happen anytime soon in this scenario and I was skeptical it would work.

Yesterday, I received his reply. He was very gracious and admitted he also had to think about next steps and was at a loss. Maybe he was just saying that out of disappointment, but it's fine. I have to be honest with myself. I deserve to be happy, not just content. I feel bad. I feel like I should have tried harder, meaning called and given it a couple more dates. But why when I felt so little attraction and felt that maybe I was doing this more for my parents than myself. I need to get past that and do what I want.

"Blind" date Saturday

I finally met with the Vancouver guy in person. We've been exchanging e-mails and a few phone calls for more than a month. I really appreciate his effort in coming to visit me. Fortunately his sister lives in the area which makes the trip a little less complicated.

He came to me door promptly at 11:30am. I didn't make a big deal or ceremony out of our first meeting. He looked like his pictures - not handsome but not unattractive. I must admit that I find part of myself going through the motions more for the sake of my parents than out of my own desire. Dating is not what is used to be. The whole process has taken on a sense of duty rather than excitement and curiousity. I find it sad to even think or write this opinion.

We hopped into his rental car and talked about where to eat lunch. I gave him several quick, local options. I left the decision up to him and we went to the local Hawaiian barbeque. I can't recall any specific conversation. It seemed fine. He was very direct about using our time together to learn more about each other. It's usually this unspoken thing about the early dates, but given our limited time it was fine to be honest about the purpose of the day.

After lunch we drove to Pacifica for a hike around near Montara. The hours of walking proved a good way to have many little conversations be it about childhood, family, work, career, and current events. He implied with many of his comments that he had done a bit to try and plan out the day's activities. It was clear he wanted to make a good impression given that he had sought out advice from friends about his dress and manners during our date.

(I find myself becoming distressed and emotional from writing this. Obviously there are other issues I need to discuss and think through. Clearly, I've been surpressing some issues and need to confront them. I imagine much of it is related to my mother and to my dear Tim.)

Afterwards we drove over to San Mateo to eat popsicles as Whole Foods. He seemed quite happy and pleased with our time together. He hinted he had no plans for the evening and asked what I wanted to do. I felt like it was fine to have dinner as it gave us more opportunity to get to know each other. See how open-minded I was.

At the end of dinner, Alan was very direct. He asked about next steps and I had no idea how to respond. Frankly, I think I finally realized how complicated and inconvenient a relationship this would become. It would be so slow going seeing each other *maybe* every 6 weeks. Where can this go when you barely know each other? I also realized that to Alan's previous comments, I think having so little contact with each other would grow his perfect and unrealistic image of me. The whole things would be headed for disappointment and that expectation grew into someone I am not. I've seen enough times how having only weekends to spend with each other avoids the bad moods and serious intimacy that must be forged between two people. When you don't see each other regularly, you fail to observe the "bad" days. Everyone has them, you have to know you are okay with them.

Never leaves the city

Tongs was another fellow that I met from BAARE. He was cute though he had a young face. I enjoyed talking with him that night. I remember that I loved that he complained that Southern California was too hot for him which is why he prefers it here. Not many people make that comment and I felt I'd found a friend.

We agreed to meet for dinner in PA after work about two weeks after first meeting. I showed up on time but wasn't sure whether to wait at the door or go into the restaurant. I couldn't see well into the restaurant nor could I remember his face well. Thinking he'd be late, I stood outside reading the local paper.

Minutes later, my phone rang and it was Tongs calling because he was sitting down already and saw me outside. I felt a little embarrassed. We order two spicy dishes and chatted.

Everything seemed to go pretty well. I felt like we had some great conversation about living in the city and work. He had no problem admitting he's a city guy. He even acknowledged that he hates venturing outside of it. That was a bit odd but okay. He works rather difficult hours. As a technician for a financial company he has to be available the same hours as the market. That means he's up at 3am each day. I guess he rotates with one other guy so he has only does this for a week or so each month. Still - eeck. He acknowledged that he's been thinking about doing something different but the convenience of the city and time off peaks were nice.

After dinner, he asked I wanted to join him at a cafe. Wow, I thought that's pretty good that he still wants to hang out. I was enjoying his company, so I went along. I learned about his relationship with his parents. He talked about his married sister and trying to visit when he could. We talked about family and how we interact with various members of it. I learned that he's close with his uncle and how he's used as an IT resource but doesn't mind too much. Maybe he had a pattern that was routine for him to get to know women. The cafe conversation got very personal, something I don't expect much on a first date. I felt good that I could be myself and not worry about how he'd interpret what I said. It's what I've always sensed from tv and movies is supposed to be an important things to understand when you date someone. I thought we had done well.

Tongs was a gentleman throughout the evening. He gave me the leftovers, he opened doors, and he walked me to my car. On the way to the car, he asked for my last name. He said he like knowing people's last names. I think he was entering it into his cell phone. I'm not sure, but I think my choice of cars scared him. As we walked towards it, I pointed out that it was a station wagon. He seemed genuinely perplexed and maybe a little frightened by that fact. Oh well, I think that's silly if my "family" car scares a guy. I think it's a very practical car and I certainly chose it for different reasons though I acknowledge that I hope it will be used for family purposes someday.

The next day I thanked him for dinner. He wrote a very brief e-mail commenting that he enjoyed it as well. I never heard from him again. Whatever.

I talked with Is later that week. Turns out we had both had dates with Tongs. In both cases it seems things had gone well. But neither time did he choose to follow up. I wonder if he's a bit of a player? Younger men... (shrug shoulders).

Poker guy

One of the guys I met at the BAARE event was Michael. He seemed okay at the time though Is was not impressed with him. We matched preferences and he e-mailed me immediately. I've learned over time that I'm not very good about communicating by e-mail so I encouraged us to meet sometime after work.

One key thing I've learned is that unless you're totally comfortable meeting someone, don't commit to more than a drink. Dinner means a minimum two hours where you better be able to talk to each other. On the other hand, a drink means maybe 45 minutes to assess the situation and either walk away or extend the evening. Going to cafes that close early or having a friend call at a predetermined time-point are great ways to force the end of the date.

The only thing I remembered about Michael from the speed dating was his recent experience trying to get into a poker tournament. It interested me since so many of my friends and I enjoy playing casual games of hold 'em. During the course of conversation with him, I learned that he thought it was odd that I was so interested in that. I was surprised because I was just using it for conversation.

He seemed very nervous throughout the date. I felt like I had to dig a bit to keep the conversation running. It was mostly me ask him questions. We talked a bit about real estate. He told me about the house he had bought and sold in Pleasanton. His newest investment was a condo in LAs Vegas associated with the MGM Grand. I learned a lot from him about how the condo is yours, but the hotel rents it out when you're not present and splits the income. It's an interesting concept.

The problem with the date was his nervousness. He made some comments that I didn't know how to deal with. He would laugh nervously and "compliment" me. At one point he commented that I'm very smart. Unfortunately he said it was a very uncomfortable laugh. I say "thank you" hesistantly. I didn't know what to say next. Clearly he was concerned about our ability to relate. As nice as he was, that behavior was the last straw for me. I never felt much of a connection to him and his insecurity highlighted my doubts.

I simply excused myself, saying it was late. As we headed out the door he expressed his satisfaction with the evening and inquired whether he could ask me out again. I panicked a bit at this point because I didn't have the nerve to say "no" to his face. In cowardly fashion, I lied and said, "yeah, but not this week because I'm going to be really busy." With that I shook his hand and said goodnight. I couldn't look at him as I walked away.

I'm relieved to say that he never did write. I think he knew that I was not very comfortable with the situation.

Group experiment

So this is more of a flashback to an event I forgot to mention. BAARE events have grown kind of stale for me. But since I wanted to try the speed dating process once, I thought this would be a good opportunity. Somehow it became four of us, Is, Jw, EH, and me.

We all met near the Mont station where EH's sister kindly picked us up and drove us down to the bar where the event was being held. AS we arrived the fobish guy pulled up in his bright blue Nissan Z. He parked it directly out front of the place. All I could think was "insecure Asian nerd complex." He wasn't a very attractive guy be it his grooming or clothing.

The four of us sat around a bar table very apprehensive and skeptical of the whole situation. Sure enough, Mr. Z tried to come over and talk with us. Ugh. I know it's bad to judge by looks but he just seemed so dull. I think we all felt bad but we just didn't want to talk to him. Going off to the bathroom helped to shake him.

Some other guys who approached us were much more sociable. Speed dating itself often creates a very artificial mode of talking. Most of the guys seemed fine, but I'd have to say that there was no one in particular that caught my attention.

There were actually several guys I recognized before the dating started. This is why I hadn't been to an event in awhile. I was hoping to get a fresher batch of men to meet. I said "hi" to PL, a guy who I've now met three times at these events. The funny thing is both of us admitted that this was the first one we participated in in probably a year. What kind of coincidence is that?

I think we met some 22 guys that night. The one thing I don't like about the format is the randomness of the people and the sheer numbers. This particular organization allows everyone to meet everyone. It's overwhelming and exhausting.

Is and me ended up sitting in a little lounge area for the event. Jw and EH were around the corner at two bar tables. This would be interesting consider we could compare notes afterwards. Is would be the first of the four of us to encounter most of the guys are they were traveling in a counter-clockwise format.

admittedly it's been awhile. Vin seemed like a decent guy. He was very friendly and sociable with both of us. I think Is determined that he was decently close to us in age though he didn't look it. A group of good looking guys came together. In the end I found out that all knew the organizer and had been coaxed there. After our post-dating discussions we figured most of them we just having fun there and not really serious.

I remet one guy whom I had matched with last June. Although I exchanged a few e-mails I never met up with him because he lives across the bay. Plus I was already dealing with dates with three or four other fellows at the time and couldn't handle it. He seems like a decent guy, but somehow he didn't grab enough attention.

One guy that many of us seemed to like worked at CalPine. He was decent looking and had a very mellow demeanor. Strangely, he didn't identify any of us as people he wanted to e-mail. I can only wonder what he was looking for.

One of the more annoying guys was this sportscaster. The minute he sat down with me he asked why Asian men can't date white women. He was very defensive and loud throughout the conversation. The whole thing was so bizarre because it didn't feel like he really wanted to be there. How stupid is it to attend a speed dating event and sound like you're resentful for not being able to attract woman who are nowhere in the building?

I thought there were a couple other nice guys but they seemed rather young. It didn't really matter what I thought since they didn't match me. This one guy was really trying hard with our group. After the event was over he sat with us as we filled out our final match selections. It was a little annoying that he kept trying to see if we picked him. Not a smooth move.

The results came back quickly, the next morning in fact. All in all I think I had six names. I ended up contacting two of them. Maybe there was a third I should have written back but I couldn't remember whether I really wanted to. No more BAARE for me. I would be willing to give C2A another chance, however, because I felt like the mix of people there was better despite the fact I would "date" fewer men.

Interference

My mother is driving me mad. Allowing myself to be fixed up by her and her friends has opened a Pandora's box. I'm incredibly frustrated with things going on behind the scenes that I have no control over. I feel like my life is an open box that people car peer into without asking.

This weekend I received a message from my dad. He asked whether they had permission to give a picture of me to the mother of the guy they want me to meet. (I've been exchanging e-mail with him for two weeks. Mom also implied in a previous e-mail that his mom was going to meet with him this month and try and set up a time for us to meet.

Maybe some people are more amenable to this sort of thing. Maybe I'm not being very appreciative. This is just not my style. I'm not good at being told what to do when it comes to being told what's good for me. As much as I love my parents, I live away from my parents for a reason.

I don't know that my mother understands how upsetting and frustrating this whole situation is. She's making me miserable. I can't enjoy myself when I have to worry about her constantly.

Compatibility versus chemistry

So here's the second half of today's "Dear Abby"

"DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman who wants very much to get married. I have been dating a wonderful man who wants to marry me. I'll call him "Byron." Byron is intelligent, kind, generous, comes from the same background I do, and shares my values. In short, he is absolutely everything I have ever dreamed of in a husband. He's not bad-looking, either.
The only problem is I feel very little physical attraction to him. It is not Byron's fault; the chemistry just isn't really there.
I am very confused. Part of me reasons that physical passion tends to fade over the years anyway, and I would be crazy to pass up a man who has so much else to offer. Another part of me feels that I'm not really in love with Byron, so it would be a mistake to marry him.
What should I do? Please hurry your reply -- he is waiting for an answer. -- CONFUSED IN CAMBRIDGE, MASS.
DEAR CONFUSED: Before you discard a man who has all of the attributes you describe, I suggest you ask him to wait just a little longer. You could benefit greatly by talking this out with a counselor who, in a nonjudgmental and unbiased way, can help you to organize your priorities."

I felt sad when I read this. It's not the position I'm in, but I feel like I could have been there with Tim. There are still days I wonder very similar things to what this woman writes. How many people out there feel this way about their significant others? What did they do?

Help organize priorities. Is that what I am supposed to be doing? I don't even know what to say to that.

Disadvantages

I am so frustrated. I feel like I must convince myself that I am not meant to be married. It's amazing how dramatically my perspective has changed in three years. Being 30 was fine. It seemed like there was plenty of time to enjoy life. Now, I feel like I'm in a dead end alley with a huge brick wall clearly at the far end. I have no where to go.

I know people tell me I'm attractive. I suppose at least I have that to get people's attention. Unfortunately the minute I open my mouth or get one-on-one with someone, things go nowhere. Lately I've felt like all I can do is put my foot in my mouth. I'm jealous of Sh. Guys enjoy talking to her and want to get to know her. Among her male friends they all consider her a great person to know and hang around with. I feel like with everyone I know, there's always somebody they choose to call before me. Now of course you might say it doesn't matter since her dates were unsuccessful but at least she gets them. Still it's that "foot in the door" opportunity that I can't even get past.

Feeling this way makes me want to just stay home and do my own thing. I know I can't get anywhere if I don't make an effort to go out, but it's just so depressing. In the past I've compared dating to job hunting. But it's just so much more personal. And you know how personally I take even the smallest things. I don't handle rejection well. It's easier to avoid the truth and live alone. I feel like there's nothing out there for me.

Where to hide

I didn't plan it though I knew it had to happen soon. We went to a cooking class last night and then met up at my place to watch "Survivor." When the show was over, he started cuddling and kissing me. I felt totally uncomfortable.

I turned to him and told him that I'm still not sure how I feel. I didn't know what else to say? He asked what we could do about it? However I said it, he seemed to think my mind was already made up and there was no point in fighting for me. He wanted to understand why I thought this was over. I told him, very frankly, that I didn't feel like my heart was in it. As much as I enjoy spending time with him and feel happy, something's just not right. When he asked what else, I told him that while on the plane, the thought popped into my head about how I would respond if he proposed marriage. I couldn't see myself saying "yes."

There are a bunch of little things, but they really don't explain the situation. He still wanted to know the details. And perhaps against my better judgment I mentioned some of them. The biggest one is still that something doesn't sit right with me that he's not Chinese. It's a preference thing that's out of both our hands. Then there's the struggles we've had with sex. It's not a good sign to not feel passionate and fulfilled. Maybe it's just something that needs more work, but I have a feeling it goes deeper than that. There were other little nuissances I dare not mention. I closed with saying that sometimes our mismatched humor didn't help.

He mumbled dozens of comments during those hours on the couch:

- Darn, darn, darn
- N0 Yellowstone, no Xmas present?
- I don't get to take you to Paris
- But I just told my Dad about you
- I just made a key for you
- I knew it was all too perfect
- I was going to go and buy you a sushi mat
- I was going to watch football with you
- You gave me a puppy just in time
- You're not coming to the wedding?
- and lots of other thoughts where I only saw a sad smile on his face

He didn't want to leave. He calculated how long we've been together. He tried to be positive and say that he was glad we had this time together when I could have broken this off after one month. He was hurting, he was crying.

He talked about how different this was and how it came out of nowhere. Thinking back, now he understood why I had asked him last month if he would date someone if he knew it woudn't go anywhere. He thought there'd be more warning before we broke up, like having an argument. The feelings were also different because with his past relationships, it had been over long before the official break up. He went in knowing that it was not serious, whereas this time he went in thinking about the long term. I have no doubt that he wanted to marry me. He was just holding back his feelings until he was more sure about mine.

As he prepared to leave, he looked around my place as if to memorize every detail to preserve in his memory. We want to be friends. I just don't know when he'll go through his anger stage. What will it be like?

What's wrong with me? I know, nothing. It's not my fault. Still it's frustrating to find someone so amenable, so supportive, so loving and not be able to feel the same.