Friday, October 01, 2004

Where to hide

I didn't plan it though I knew it had to happen soon. We went to a cooking class last night and then met up at my place to watch "Survivor." When the show was over, he started cuddling and kissing me. I felt totally uncomfortable.

I turned to him and told him that I'm still not sure how I feel. I didn't know what else to say? He asked what we could do about it? However I said it, he seemed to think my mind was already made up and there was no point in fighting for me. He wanted to understand why I thought this was over. I told him, very frankly, that I didn't feel like my heart was in it. As much as I enjoy spending time with him and feel happy, something's just not right. When he asked what else, I told him that while on the plane, the thought popped into my head about how I would respond if he proposed marriage. I couldn't see myself saying "yes."

There are a bunch of little things, but they really don't explain the situation. He still wanted to know the details. And perhaps against my better judgment I mentioned some of them. The biggest one is still that something doesn't sit right with me that he's not Chinese. It's a preference thing that's out of both our hands. Then there's the struggles we've had with sex. It's not a good sign to not feel passionate and fulfilled. Maybe it's just something that needs more work, but I have a feeling it goes deeper than that. There were other little nuissances I dare not mention. I closed with saying that sometimes our mismatched humor didn't help.

He mumbled dozens of comments during those hours on the couch:

- Darn, darn, darn
- N0 Yellowstone, no Xmas present?
- I don't get to take you to Paris
- But I just told my Dad about you
- I just made a key for you
- I knew it was all too perfect
- I was going to go and buy you a sushi mat
- I was going to watch football with you
- You gave me a puppy just in time
- You're not coming to the wedding?
- and lots of other thoughts where I only saw a sad smile on his face

He didn't want to leave. He calculated how long we've been together. He tried to be positive and say that he was glad we had this time together when I could have broken this off after one month. He was hurting, he was crying.

He talked about how different this was and how it came out of nowhere. Thinking back, now he understood why I had asked him last month if he would date someone if he knew it woudn't go anywhere. He thought there'd be more warning before we broke up, like having an argument. The feelings were also different because with his past relationships, it had been over long before the official break up. He went in knowing that it was not serious, whereas this time he went in thinking about the long term. I have no doubt that he wanted to marry me. He was just holding back his feelings until he was more sure about mine.

As he prepared to leave, he looked around my place as if to memorize every detail to preserve in his memory. We want to be friends. I just don't know when he'll go through his anger stage. What will it be like?

What's wrong with me? I know, nothing. It's not my fault. Still it's frustrating to find someone so amenable, so supportive, so loving and not be able to feel the same.

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