Friday, December 03, 2004


I am so frustrated. I feel like I must convince myself that I am not meant to be married. It's amazing how dramatically my perspective has changed in three years. Being 30 was fine. It seemed like there was plenty of time to enjoy life. Now, I feel like I'm in a dead end alley with a huge brick wall clearly at the far end. I have no where to go.

I know people tell me I'm attractive. I suppose at least I have that to get people's attention. Unfortunately the minute I open my mouth or get one-on-one with someone, things go nowhere. Lately I've felt like all I can do is put my foot in my mouth. I'm jealous of Sh. Guys enjoy talking to her and want to get to know her. Among her male friends they all consider her a great person to know and hang around with. I feel like with everyone I know, there's always somebody they choose to call before me. Now of course you might say it doesn't matter since her dates were unsuccessful but at least she gets them. Still it's that "foot in the door" opportunity that I can't even get past.

Feeling this way makes me want to just stay home and do my own thing. I know I can't get anywhere if I don't make an effort to go out, but it's just so depressing. In the past I've compared dating to job hunting. But it's just so much more personal. And you know how personally I take even the smallest things. I don't handle rejection well. It's easier to avoid the truth and live alone. I feel like there's nothing out there for me.

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