None of his business

F*ck! I know I shouldn't care. I know I shouldn't let it bother me. I logged into a community profile I keep for friends who want to set me up. It's a way of letting the guy see if he's interested. I posted recent pictures and a description of myself.

A friend of a friend wants to introduce me to a friend of his. Earlier this week, I directed him to the site. I checked in today to see if anyone had looked me up. To my horrified shock, my ex, Ryan, has viewed me. YUCK!

What the hell caused him to look me up? We haven't spoken or seen each other in almost three years. Admittedly, I happened to try and look him up to see if he was on a couple baby registries the other day, but there's no way he would know that. (His wife turned 40 this month, so I couldn't help be curious if he's gonna have kids since he was ambivalent about it when we dated. I was browsing toys online in preparation for Xmas gifts.)

The sucky thing is there's nothing I can do to block him from looking unless I block everyone. I don't want him knowing what I'm up to. It's not fair that he so easily rebounded and got married, and that I'm still single. His possible pity angers me. I don't want him to know anything about me. I feel violated. (Yes, apparently I still have baggage issues.) He's the reason I lack faith in relationships, he was the final straw that broke me.

In cleaning out my computer files the other day, I ran across an old document. It was a clipping of one of our last e-mail exchanges. I had foolishly asked him to rationalize what happened, why he didn't want me anymore and whether there was something I failed to do. His response was very rationale, very fair. Even though I understand, it still hurts.

"I don't think you failed to communicate your needs. I think I knew near the beginning what you were looking for. I am more to blame for the failure to communicate, and I am sorry if I waited too long to tell you how I felt. I suppose it was so hard for me to ultimately decide because I can't really explain it. You and I are compatible in many ways, and I loved the way you cared about me. That is why I think we could have a good life together. But there are also some things that I wish could have changed or were different. I think I have mentioned those before. That I felt our relationship was imperfect does not mean that my affection for you was not genuine.

Sometimes I wonder if I have made a mistake, and that I am being too picky. I think about that often. All I know is that I don't have the feeling that this is it, and if I don't have that feeling, there is probably something wrong. I am sorry I cannot be more helpful with my explanation."

I didn't write about this finding because I had forgotten about it. I processed the thought and moved on. Sure, Ryan pops into my head now and then. That's fine. But it's okay because I've never felt like we are still connected.

Seeing him appear like this scares me. Everyone has a right to be curious about others, I just don't want to know. Now, all these painful old feelings are overwhelming me. Sh*t, and I can't take my profile down because that other guy might go take a look. What a way to rattle my day.

Okay, after a few hours to relax, eat and snooze, the psycho moment has passed. The truth is, once I thought about it, I'm probably to blame. Back in March, when I was getting to know KT, I used the site and peeked at Ryan's profile. It's most likely that I appear in his viewed list from that, and he only logged in this week for the first time in months. My bad.