Friday, October 06, 2006

Advice from Dear Abby - Giving Gifts

Seeing this article below reminded me of how I have learned about gift giving over the years.

When I was a kid, my parents did what might be described as the minimum compared to the average American family. We didn't make a big deal of all the holidays. I'm not sure they totally understand what to do for them. When I had birthday parties, my mom let me keep most of the gifts. If I already had something similar to the gift, she regifted it.

At Xmas, there was never a time when my parents pretended there was a Santa Claus. My relatives sent packages, and they were immediately put under the tree. As I got older, I'd peak underneath the grocery bag wrapping in case they had taken the time to wrap it in prettier Xmas paper. I never knew what my parents sent to my cousins. There was a lot of cheque exchanges in the teenage years. I don't recall giving my parents anything nor do I recall my parents buying anything for each other. I did try and do things for my brother a few times. He actually believed Santa came one year - my parents immediately told him that it was me.

I remember one year, I talked my dad into buying a mini deep fryer for my mom. She had been deep frying things outside for fear of splattering oil in the kitchen. My keen 9-year-old mind reasoned that an enclosed cooking system would be a better appliance and allow her to cook inside the house. When my mom opened the gift, she had my dad return it because she felt it was not necessary. I think that held me back from suggesting a gift again.

Sometime around college, my mother started to remind me to write "thank you" notes to my relatives for the gifts they sent. I would mostly get checks for small amounts. One aunt would send me clothes, another would send me fashion jewelry. It would always take me forever to write those notes.

When my cousin, Hams, was pregnant with her first child I went all out. I had been in the work force a couple years by this point. She is ten years older and has always been like a big sister to me. I hand-sewed a quilt and sent several other little goodies for the impending birth. Every year I would send them a Xmas package that included a gift for their son and a gift for the family. When her daughter came along, I didn't make another quilt but did my best to send some cute clothes and a stuffed animal.

Every December, I continue to send them a package, inside is a gift for each child, a family gift, and maybe something for the parents if I happened to come across something appropriate. My one rule has been to never go overboard on how much I spend for each kid. I don't believe in extravagant gifts, so I limit myself to $25 each. There's less of a limit on the family gift. I remember sending Shel Silverstein and Eric Carle books, classic board games like Clue and Candyland, cookie cutters, the School House Rock DVD (awesome collection I must say), magnetic and foam puzzles, Trader Joe's foods, Legos, Yu-Gi-Oh cards, dinosaur model, Ello craft kit, and more board games. I can't tell you the numerous hours I've spent struggling to find the perfect gift each year. I want them to have fun, but I also want them to learn so I end up putting way too much thought into it at times. They've only ever had the most generous compliments about the gifts I've sent. It's fun. They are my Xmas.

Over the years, I've worked with my brother to give our parents gifts. They don't happen every year, we're more likely to buy them something big that combines birthdays and Xmas - like electronics. One year, I used my miles to give them two plane tickets so they would take a vacation. Maybe it's time to give them some airplane tickets again for their trip abroad next spring.

Hams is a major reason I've tried to be better over the years about gifts. She's always written thank you cards as if the kids sent them. Now that they are older, she has them write notes themselves, very cute.

What struck me the most was when I helped clean out my grandmother's apartment after she died. Grandma passed away a month before Xmas a few years ago. Among the items in her room were recent gifts from the relatives. I happened to sift past a piece of tissue paper that read: "To Greatgrandma, From J." Hams had sent our grandma something in her son's name.

I felt saddened that I had never sent anything to Grandma all these years. It hadn't ever occurred to me. No one had ever taught me this. I felt so selfish. And my chance to change that was gone.

I have one aunt who never married. She's a very happy person and has plenty of friends. I know that Hams has always sends her little gifts for her birthday and for Xmas. It's really hard to know what to give older folks. They pretty much have everything they need. My aunt's small apartment in Queens certainly doesn't allow her to collect too many random decorations. With my parents' encouragement, I send her little things like classical DVDs and other practical things. My mother once told me my aunt really like the LED keychain light I sent one year. With all the travel she does I thought it a good and practical gift. It's good to recognize a lady who's always been kind to me.

This is another example of something that has taken me a lot of years to learn. I still struggle to find good gifts for people I'm dating. It's so hard to come up with something unique and thoughtful. I need to work on paying more attention to subtle cues.

Sometimes I wonder if I should sit down and read Miss Manners cover to cover. I wonder if my parents realize why I sometimes as so clueless. They didn't teach me. This is why I know I can't simply do everything for others like my brother or my (future) kids. People learn best by doing. I hope that I can teach my kids good things.


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Advice from Dear Abby
STEPMOTHER'S METHOD OF GIVING GIFTS GETS HER MESSAGE ACROSS

DEAR ABBY: 'Had It in Arlington, Wash.' (8/29) was upset because her teenaged stepchildren didn't give her husband, their father, gifts even though he was generous with them.

She could change that by inviting them to go shopping with her when she picks out a gift for him the next time they visit. If it's not a gift-giving occasion, that's OK. A 'just because' gift is the best kind.

If their relationship is close enough, she might feel comfortable suggesting they get something for him, too -- even if she has to pay the first few times. My guess is that, unless the kids are selfish, insensitive brats, they'll get the message and want to use their own money. The gifts need not be extravagant, just thoughtful.

I get some of my most interesting things in flea markets, consignment shops and closeout stores. -- IT WORKED FOR ME, DUNWOODY, GA.

DEAR I.W.F.M.: You're a smart cookie, who I am sure not only endeared yourself to your husband for what you did, but also his children. And you're not the only smart lady who responded to that letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You were right on to say that the husband shouldn't punish his children for what amounts to their mother's poor teaching or example.

I was divorced when my son was very small, and I always helped him get his father at least a small gift for Christmas and Father's Day. His father, on the other hand, never once responded in kind. He seemed to think it was the responsibility of some other man in my life to get me gifts -- first my father (since I moved back home for a short time), then my new husband. Have I pointed this out to my son? Heck, no. Has he noticed? You bet he has!

We teach our kids by example. What the stepmom could do is talk to the kids and say, "Your dad's been generous to you. Would you like some help in getting him a present for his birthday, to say thanks?" -- KAREN IN SALEM, ORE.

DEAR ABBY: I could not believe your response to "Had it in Arlington, Wash." You said, "Children behave as they have been taught, usually by their mothers." How incredibly insulting to mothers everywhere. Let me tell you that when I went through a divorce, it was their father who "taught" them such despicable behavior!

My ex-husband was so bitter, he did not want my children to give me anything -- on birthdays, Mother's Day or Christmas. In fact, I was the one who took them to the store and gave them money to buy gifts for their father on each and every occasion, even though it was not reciprocated.

At one point, my son asked me as I drove them to the store to get a gift for their father's birthday, "Why do you care, Mom? He doesn't care about you!" Let me add that the Christmas that I gave them enough money to buy everyone (including me) gifts, their father would let them spend only $10 on a gift certificate for me, regardless of what they knew I wanted and they had wanted to buy for me! Shame on you, Dear Abby, for making such a hurtful comment. -- UPSET IN BRIGHTON, COLO.

DEAR UPSET: I offer my apology if what I said you took personally. It was simply an observation and not intended to be hurtful to anyone.

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