Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Whining moments

Well, I won't prolong this more than necessary. For whatever reason, when my mind has time to think, I feel kind of bummed out. I'm going to complain for the next 10 minutes and then do my best to enjoy the long weekend.

Firstly, I think all the French and Belgium chocolate we brought back from vacation has gone straight to my ass. Man, just when I was making progress on wearing all my better clothes I'm rechallenged to get my pants around these generous hips.

Then, there's still feeling rather lonely. I know marriage isn't by any means perfect, but it'd be nice. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. I'm tired of Internet dating. I want to meet someone the "normal" way because I think it's the only way I can be myself.

Work is blah. Lately I'm feeling like I don't belong. My mind isn't engaged. It doesn't want to learn this stuff anymore. I don't, however, want to let people down. I don't want them to see me fail. But then, I'm not sure what I'd want to do next (or how I'd handle potentially getting paid less.) Is it wrong to care more about finding someone to have a family with than develop a career? I've been so independent and self-sufficient for so long that it's seems like a contradictory thing to admit.

A minor mysterious reappeared this morning. I got an evite from KT for a hike he's planned this weekend. What for? Since more than 10 people have already responded, I'm thinking he added me as an afterthought. He probably sent it out last week to his main group of friends. Eh, doesn't matter, I'll be headed the opposite direction to hang out with my cousin for her birthday. I'm kind of relieved I don't have to make up something not to go. I don't get this guy.

I know I have plenty to be thankful for in my life. I'm successful (well, at least to others), I own my place (jointly with the bank), I have my health, I have good friends, I have more than six months of funds in the bank in case of emergency. So why I feel like such a loser?

But onto fun things to look forward to...

Dancing was fun last night. Boy, am I rusty. I felt a bit double-footed at times. All the guys I danced with were pretty nice about it. I should take on a new class this summer. Dancing to music is the ultimate form of self-expression. Everyone seemed to have a good time and wants to do it again. I was impressed to see how much they've learned from their beginner swing class. It was cute to see Ig pay attention to this woman he met in his class. It's refreshing to see him pursuing women again after such a long hiatus.

Tonight is the season finale of "Lost." Tim's skipping his biweekly meeting to watch this live, in HD. (I love having a good tv.) We're gonna eat the leftovers from cooking on Sunday night. Afterwards, he's going to help me set up my new computer. I probably won't notice much difference, but the idea of having a new system sounds cool.

At some point, I'm hoping to see the new X-men movie. I still hate paying $10 to watch on the big screen, but you gotta do it for some of these movies. Tim really wants to watch "Pirates of the Caribbean" in July.

For the Memorial weekend, I'll be hanging with my cousin for Saturday afternoon. Otherwise, I'm sure some BBQs and other casual parties will appear. I could probably get some jounral entries done to remember my Europe trip (it's fading fast now). I know I have a ton of household chores to finish. It's all good.


zerodoll said...

that's funny, i felt with the internet dating that i could really be myself with the person having no preconceived notions of who i am.

Pandax said...

I'm not saying I can't be myself over the Internet. I think it's more that how I look on paper, for whatever reason, doesn't represent how I come across in person. And meeting these people in person makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

Otherwise, I've grown wary of the process. Frankly, I think having too much of an Internet relationship can build up inaccurate notions of what the other person is like. I admit I can judge people too quickly at times because of one of two things they mention. It's easy to misinterpret e-mails.

In addition, in my most recent attempt, I felt like I mostly received responses from men who were 40+ or were outside of what my preferences clearly stated. Frankly, it was frustrating.

Lastly, I'm overwhelmed by the process. I found it very difficult to make regular time to sit down and respond to people. People write you off if you don't respond promptly. It also becomes difficult to remember what you say to whom.

There's no right or wrong. I gave it a try. I accept my limitations.

zerodoll said...

very true, the number of responses was tiring. and why DON'T the men seem to read the preferences, like acceptable radius, etc. and you're right, too much emailing makes a face-to-face meeting very difficult.

mini said...

ugh, i totally get those whining moment. all i want to do is just whine and complain, even if i know i'm going over the top. hope you're feeling better today!