Thursday, May 11, 2006

The lonely traveler

Something was said last night that really hit a nerve. Maybe I'm more sensitive these days because that ugly monthly monster is coming. I tend to notice that I get rather moody (and often times semi-depressed) for about two days beforehand.

My friends had met up to watch "Amazing Race." We hadn't met up as a group to watch it in over a month. I excitedly mentioned that CBS is now taking applications for the next race. Sh was sitting beside me on the couch, and I added to her that there will be no local auditions this time.

She then asked who would I audition with if I wanted to apply. My immediate response was Tim. After all, we are close friends and just spent a continuous 13 days together. Sh basically reacted by saying that Tim and I would tear each other apart. I was surprised and questioned her opinion. Her reaction surprised me and raised up all kinds of self-doubt issues in my head.

I felt devastated that she would say such a thing. Granted we had our times of disagreement when navigating the French roads, but I thought Tim and I were always fine within minutes. It made me question whether I would get along with ANYONE. (Gosh, hormones are terrible, this is getting me incredibly upset to write about.) I know that I struggle a little with Ig, but I know I'm not the only one. Am I that bad? Is this why no wants to be with me? How does Sh really feel about me?

This morning, I briefly chatted with Tim by phone. I know it's not the best way to talk about this, but I needed to ask. He said he had a nice trip with me, but for something like "Amazing Race" I would not be his first choice of a partner. I described to him what happened with Sh. He said that she had described him as very laid back. I think his interpretation is that she didn't see his personality fitting well with mine. Am I one of those people who others can only stand to be around for a day or two at most? Did I say how much I'm hurting right now? (Stupid hormones.)

People who don't know me well think I'm this well-accomplished, smart, outgoing, and confident person. The fact of the matter is that once they start getting to really know me and see me in more intimate settings, my insecurities and lack of self-esteem start to show themselves. It's horrible to live such different identities. I am, in fact, very shy around people (particularly men) if I want to impress them. I fear they will doscover what an ugly person I truly am. I've struggled all my life to be better, to be happy with myself. Unfortunately, for every step I take forward, I manage to find a way to sabotage my progress.

I don't know what to do. My natural reaction is to retreat, to not talk to anyone. I feel like I should just keep my mouth shut whenever I'm around people and just go with the flow. It would seem that having an opinion is what gets me into trouble. I was hoping to travel to China with friends next year. But, right now, I'm thinking that I should scrap the idea or go alone. This is torture for me. I want so much to be liked... and yet I don't feel like I'm ever able to escape from whatever stormy cloud that overshadows me. Why can't a fix this damn problem?

So it's more just pretending everything is fine and play happy. Certainly, I need to keep my mouth shut about any dating in the future. They probably all think I'm psycho girl with all the drama. I'm meeting up with Chi and her friend for dinner tomorrow... I need to make sure I behave and think before I speak.


jayfish said...

i have always thought the more i try to please others, the further away i get from making myself happier.

i'm sure your situation isn't as bad as you think it is right now...

zerodoll said...

if people can't accept the good AND the bad from you/with you, they aren't really your friend. i know this sounds trite, but seriously, you shouldn't have to "behave" when you're around your friends. watching out as far as trying not to hurt someone is a good idea in general, but your friends should be wanting to help you, not judge you. it is tough though to get comfortable enough with yourself to let people see you, warts and all.

mini said...

i struggle with this so much, the self I present to other versus how I really feel about myself inside. I constantly fear that people would discover the "real" me and realize how much of a burden I am to be around. I go through cycles too when i think about this a lot and lose confidence, but also when i think that I'm ridiculous for having these thoughts. hang in there. i think your friends appreciate you for who you are. Because they love you and feel so comfortable around you, take it as a compliment that they can be so honest with you :)