I had talked with Vancouver since his call after our date. I knew he was in Germany for work but not for how long. Frankly works been a mess so the thought hadn't crossed my mind to e-mail him out of politeness. A week had passed before I paused to think about the situation. Frankly, my conclusion was that if I couldn't take a few minutes to think about him, this really wasn't something that was appealing to me.
He's a nice guy. He's the kind of "safe" man you can date and marry. Sadly it lacks excitement. And though there's no guarantee that married life will stay exciting, I suppose you ideally still want a man who has that potential. Starting out boring says something about personality and compatability to me.
So I let another week go by without doing anything. Given that he was out of the country, I figured I'd hear from him eventually. I was on my cell phone when the home phone rang Sunday evening. As I came to the phone, I wondered who was calling. In a moment of clarity, I realized that it might be Alan, so I chose to let the answering machine pick up.
I was right. "Thank God!" is what went through my mind. I didn't want to have another droll conversation pretending to be entertained. I also wasn't ready to discuss next steps. Hearing his message, however, I knew I needed to respond. Monday, I composed an e-mail expressing my honest doubt in my ability to keep up with a long distance relationship where neither of us know much about the other. I didn't assign blame and chose my words carefully so as not to imply that I am not attracted to him. Moreover I explained that I need someone close by who I can spend time with. That wasn't going to happen anytime soon in this scenario and I was skeptical it would work.
Yesterday, I received his reply. He was very gracious and admitted he also had to think about next steps and was at a loss. Maybe he was just saying that out of disappointment, but it's fine. I have to be honest with myself. I deserve to be happy, not just content. I feel bad. I feel like I should have tried harder, meaning called and given it a couple more dates. But why when I felt so little attraction and felt that maybe I was doing this more for my parents than myself. I need to get past that and do what I want.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
"Blind" date Saturday
I finally met with the Vancouver guy in person. We've been exchanging e-mails and a few phone calls for more than a month. I really appreciate his effort in coming to visit me. Fortunately his sister lives in the area which makes the trip a little less complicated.
He came to me door promptly at 11:30am. I didn't make a big deal or ceremony out of our first meeting. He looked like his pictures - not handsome but not unattractive. I must admit that I find part of myself going through the motions more for the sake of my parents than out of my own desire. Dating is not what is used to be. The whole process has taken on a sense of duty rather than excitement and curiousity. I find it sad to even think or write this opinion.
We hopped into his rental car and talked about where to eat lunch. I gave him several quick, local options. I left the decision up to him and we went to the local Hawaiian barbeque. I can't recall any specific conversation. It seemed fine. He was very direct about using our time together to learn more about each other. It's usually this unspoken thing about the early dates, but given our limited time it was fine to be honest about the purpose of the day.
After lunch we drove to Pacifica for a hike around near Montara. The hours of walking proved a good way to have many little conversations be it about childhood, family, work, career, and current events. He implied with many of his comments that he had done a bit to try and plan out the day's activities. It was clear he wanted to make a good impression given that he had sought out advice from friends about his dress and manners during our date.
(I find myself becoming distressed and emotional from writing this. Obviously there are other issues I need to discuss and think through. Clearly, I've been surpressing some issues and need to confront them. I imagine much of it is related to my mother and to my dear Tim.)
Afterwards we drove over to San Mateo to eat popsicles as Whole Foods. He seemed quite happy and pleased with our time together. He hinted he had no plans for the evening and asked what I wanted to do. I felt like it was fine to have dinner as it gave us more opportunity to get to know each other. See how open-minded I was.
At the end of dinner, Alan was very direct. He asked about next steps and I had no idea how to respond. Frankly, I think I finally realized how complicated and inconvenient a relationship this would become. It would be so slow going seeing each other *maybe* every 6 weeks. Where can this go when you barely know each other? I also realized that to Alan's previous comments, I think having so little contact with each other would grow his perfect and unrealistic image of me. The whole things would be headed for disappointment and that expectation grew into someone I am not. I've seen enough times how having only weekends to spend with each other avoids the bad moods and serious intimacy that must be forged between two people. When you don't see each other regularly, you fail to observe the "bad" days. Everyone has them, you have to know you are okay with them.
He came to me door promptly at 11:30am. I didn't make a big deal or ceremony out of our first meeting. He looked like his pictures - not handsome but not unattractive. I must admit that I find part of myself going through the motions more for the sake of my parents than out of my own desire. Dating is not what is used to be. The whole process has taken on a sense of duty rather than excitement and curiousity. I find it sad to even think or write this opinion.
We hopped into his rental car and talked about where to eat lunch. I gave him several quick, local options. I left the decision up to him and we went to the local Hawaiian barbeque. I can't recall any specific conversation. It seemed fine. He was very direct about using our time together to learn more about each other. It's usually this unspoken thing about the early dates, but given our limited time it was fine to be honest about the purpose of the day.
After lunch we drove to Pacifica for a hike around near Montara. The hours of walking proved a good way to have many little conversations be it about childhood, family, work, career, and current events. He implied with many of his comments that he had done a bit to try and plan out the day's activities. It was clear he wanted to make a good impression given that he had sought out advice from friends about his dress and manners during our date.
(I find myself becoming distressed and emotional from writing this. Obviously there are other issues I need to discuss and think through. Clearly, I've been surpressing some issues and need to confront them. I imagine much of it is related to my mother and to my dear Tim.)
Afterwards we drove over to San Mateo to eat popsicles as Whole Foods. He seemed quite happy and pleased with our time together. He hinted he had no plans for the evening and asked what I wanted to do. I felt like it was fine to have dinner as it gave us more opportunity to get to know each other. See how open-minded I was.
At the end of dinner, Alan was very direct. He asked about next steps and I had no idea how to respond. Frankly, I think I finally realized how complicated and inconvenient a relationship this would become. It would be so slow going seeing each other *maybe* every 6 weeks. Where can this go when you barely know each other? I also realized that to Alan's previous comments, I think having so little contact with each other would grow his perfect and unrealistic image of me. The whole things would be headed for disappointment and that expectation grew into someone I am not. I've seen enough times how having only weekends to spend with each other avoids the bad moods and serious intimacy that must be forged between two people. When you don't see each other regularly, you fail to observe the "bad" days. Everyone has them, you have to know you are okay with them.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Never leaves the city
Tongs was another fellow that I met from BAARE. He was cute though he had a young face. I enjoyed talking with him that night. I remember that I loved that he complained that Southern California was too hot for him which is why he prefers it here. Not many people make that comment and I felt I'd found a friend.
We agreed to meet for dinner in PA after work about two weeks after first meeting. I showed up on time but wasn't sure whether to wait at the door or go into the restaurant. I couldn't see well into the restaurant nor could I remember his face well. Thinking he'd be late, I stood outside reading the local paper.
Minutes later, my phone rang and it was Tongs calling because he was sitting down already and saw me outside. I felt a little embarrassed. We order two spicy dishes and chatted.
Everything seemed to go pretty well. I felt like we had some great conversation about living in the city and work. He had no problem admitting he's a city guy. He even acknowledged that he hates venturing outside of it. That was a bit odd but okay. He works rather difficult hours. As a technician for a financial company he has to be available the same hours as the market. That means he's up at 3am each day. I guess he rotates with one other guy so he has only does this for a week or so each month. Still - eeck. He acknowledged that he's been thinking about doing something different but the convenience of the city and time off peaks were nice.
After dinner, he asked I wanted to join him at a cafe. Wow, I thought that's pretty good that he still wants to hang out. I was enjoying his company, so I went along. I learned about his relationship with his parents. He talked about his married sister and trying to visit when he could. We talked about family and how we interact with various members of it. I learned that he's close with his uncle and how he's used as an IT resource but doesn't mind too much. Maybe he had a pattern that was routine for him to get to know women. The cafe conversation got very personal, something I don't expect much on a first date. I felt good that I could be myself and not worry about how he'd interpret what I said. It's what I've always sensed from tv and movies is supposed to be an important things to understand when you date someone. I thought we had done well.
Tongs was a gentleman throughout the evening. He gave me the leftovers, he opened doors, and he walked me to my car. On the way to the car, he asked for my last name. He said he like knowing people's last names. I think he was entering it into his cell phone. I'm not sure, but I think my choice of cars scared him. As we walked towards it, I pointed out that it was a station wagon. He seemed genuinely perplexed and maybe a little frightened by that fact. Oh well, I think that's silly if my "family" car scares a guy. I think it's a very practical car and I certainly chose it for different reasons though I acknowledge that I hope it will be used for family purposes someday.
The next day I thanked him for dinner. He wrote a very brief e-mail commenting that he enjoyed it as well. I never heard from him again. Whatever.
We agreed to meet for dinner in PA after work about two weeks after first meeting. I showed up on time but wasn't sure whether to wait at the door or go into the restaurant. I couldn't see well into the restaurant nor could I remember his face well. Thinking he'd be late, I stood outside reading the local paper.
Minutes later, my phone rang and it was Tongs calling because he was sitting down already and saw me outside. I felt a little embarrassed. We order two spicy dishes and chatted.
Everything seemed to go pretty well. I felt like we had some great conversation about living in the city and work. He had no problem admitting he's a city guy. He even acknowledged that he hates venturing outside of it. That was a bit odd but okay. He works rather difficult hours. As a technician for a financial company he has to be available the same hours as the market. That means he's up at 3am each day. I guess he rotates with one other guy so he has only does this for a week or so each month. Still - eeck. He acknowledged that he's been thinking about doing something different but the convenience of the city and time off peaks were nice.
After dinner, he asked I wanted to join him at a cafe. Wow, I thought that's pretty good that he still wants to hang out. I was enjoying his company, so I went along. I learned about his relationship with his parents. He talked about his married sister and trying to visit when he could. We talked about family and how we interact with various members of it. I learned that he's close with his uncle and how he's used as an IT resource but doesn't mind too much. Maybe he had a pattern that was routine for him to get to know women. The cafe conversation got very personal, something I don't expect much on a first date. I felt good that I could be myself and not worry about how he'd interpret what I said. It's what I've always sensed from tv and movies is supposed to be an important things to understand when you date someone. I thought we had done well.
Tongs was a gentleman throughout the evening. He gave me the leftovers, he opened doors, and he walked me to my car. On the way to the car, he asked for my last name. He said he like knowing people's last names. I think he was entering it into his cell phone. I'm not sure, but I think my choice of cars scared him. As we walked towards it, I pointed out that it was a station wagon. He seemed genuinely perplexed and maybe a little frightened by that fact. Oh well, I think that's silly if my "family" car scares a guy. I think it's a very practical car and I certainly chose it for different reasons though I acknowledge that I hope it will be used for family purposes someday.
The next day I thanked him for dinner. He wrote a very brief e-mail commenting that he enjoyed it as well. I never heard from him again. Whatever.
I talked with Is later that week. Turns out we had both had dates with Tongs. In both cases it seems things had gone well. But neither time did he choose to follow up. I wonder if he's a bit of a player? Younger men... (shrug shoulders).
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Poker guy
One of the guys I met at the BAARE event was Michael. He seemed okay at the time though Is was not impressed with him. We matched preferences and he e-mailed me immediately. I've learned over time that I'm not very good about communicating by e-mail so I encouraged us to meet sometime after work.
One key thing I've learned is that unless you're totally comfortable meeting someone, don't commit to more than a drink. Dinner means a minimum two hours where you better be able to talk to each other. On the other hand, a drink means maybe 45 minutes to assess the situation and either walk away or extend the evening. Going to cafes that close early or having a friend call at a predetermined time-point are great ways to force the end of the date.
The only thing I remembered about Michael from the speed dating was his recent experience trying to get into a poker tournament. It interested me since so many of my friends and I enjoy playing casual games of hold 'em. During the course of conversation with him, I learned that he thought it was odd that I was so interested in that. I was surprised because I was just using it for conversation.
He seemed very nervous throughout the date. I felt like I had to dig a bit to keep the conversation running. It was mostly me ask him questions. We talked a bit about real estate. He told me about the house he had bought and sold in Pleasanton. His newest investment was a condo in LAs Vegas associated with the MGM Grand. I learned a lot from him about how the condo is yours, but the hotel rents it out when you're not present and splits the income. It's an interesting concept.
The problem with the date was his nervousness. He made some comments that I didn't know how to deal with. He would laugh nervously and "compliment" me. At one point he commented that I'm very smart. Unfortunately he said it was a very uncomfortable laugh. I say "thank you" hesistantly. I didn't know what to say next. Clearly he was concerned about our ability to relate. As nice as he was, that behavior was the last straw for me. I never felt much of a connection to him and his insecurity highlighted my doubts.
I simply excused myself, saying it was late. As we headed out the door he expressed his satisfaction with the evening and inquired whether he could ask me out again. I panicked a bit at this point because I didn't have the nerve to say "no" to his face. In cowardly fashion, I lied and said, "yeah, but not this week because I'm going to be really busy." With that I shook his hand and said goodnight. I couldn't look at him as I walked away.
I'm relieved to say that he never did write. I think he knew that I was not very comfortable with the situation.
One key thing I've learned is that unless you're totally comfortable meeting someone, don't commit to more than a drink. Dinner means a minimum two hours where you better be able to talk to each other. On the other hand, a drink means maybe 45 minutes to assess the situation and either walk away or extend the evening. Going to cafes that close early or having a friend call at a predetermined time-point are great ways to force the end of the date.
The only thing I remembered about Michael from the speed dating was his recent experience trying to get into a poker tournament. It interested me since so many of my friends and I enjoy playing casual games of hold 'em. During the course of conversation with him, I learned that he thought it was odd that I was so interested in that. I was surprised because I was just using it for conversation.
He seemed very nervous throughout the date. I felt like I had to dig a bit to keep the conversation running. It was mostly me ask him questions. We talked a bit about real estate. He told me about the house he had bought and sold in Pleasanton. His newest investment was a condo in LAs Vegas associated with the MGM Grand. I learned a lot from him about how the condo is yours, but the hotel rents it out when you're not present and splits the income. It's an interesting concept.
The problem with the date was his nervousness. He made some comments that I didn't know how to deal with. He would laugh nervously and "compliment" me. At one point he commented that I'm very smart. Unfortunately he said it was a very uncomfortable laugh. I say "thank you" hesistantly. I didn't know what to say next. Clearly he was concerned about our ability to relate. As nice as he was, that behavior was the last straw for me. I never felt much of a connection to him and his insecurity highlighted my doubts.
I simply excused myself, saying it was late. As we headed out the door he expressed his satisfaction with the evening and inquired whether he could ask me out again. I panicked a bit at this point because I didn't have the nerve to say "no" to his face. In cowardly fashion, I lied and said, "yeah, but not this week because I'm going to be really busy." With that I shook his hand and said goodnight. I couldn't look at him as I walked away.
I'm relieved to say that he never did write. I think he knew that I was not very comfortable with the situation.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Group experiment
So this is more of a flashback to an event I forgot to mention. BAARE events have grown kind of stale for me. But since I wanted to try the speed dating process once, I thought this would be a good opportunity. Somehow it became four of us, Is, Jw, EH, and me.
We all met near the Mont station where EH's sister kindly picked us up and drove us down to the bar where the event was being held. AS we arrived the fobish guy pulled up in his bright blue Nissan Z. He parked it directly out front of the place. All I could think was "insecure Asian nerd complex." He wasn't a very attractive guy be it his grooming or clothing.
The four of us sat around a bar table very apprehensive and skeptical of the whole situation. Sure enough, Mr. Z tried to come over and talk with us. Ugh. I know it's bad to judge by looks but he just seemed so dull. I think we all felt bad but we just didn't want to talk to him. Going off to the bathroom helped to shake him.
Some other guys who approached us were much more sociable. Speed dating itself often creates a very artificial mode of talking. Most of the guys seemed fine, but I'd have to say that there was no one in particular that caught my attention.
There were actually several guys I recognized before the dating started. This is why I hadn't been to an event in awhile. I was hoping to get a fresher batch of men to meet. I said "hi" to PL, a guy who I've now met three times at these events. The funny thing is both of us admitted that this was the first one we participated in in probably a year. What kind of coincidence is that?
I think we met some 22 guys that night. The one thing I don't like about the format is the randomness of the people and the sheer numbers. This particular organization allows everyone to meet everyone. It's overwhelming and exhausting.
Is and me ended up sitting in a little lounge area for the event. Jw and EH were around the corner at two bar tables. This would be interesting consider we could compare notes afterwards. Is would be the first of the four of us to encounter most of the guys are they were traveling in a counter-clockwise format.
admittedly it's been awhile. Vin seemed like a decent guy. He was very friendly and sociable with both of us. I think Is determined that he was decently close to us in age though he didn't look it. A group of good looking guys came together. In the end I found out that all knew the organizer and had been coaxed there. After our post-dating discussions we figured most of them we just having fun there and not really serious.
I remet one guy whom I had matched with last June. Although I exchanged a few e-mails I never met up with him because he lives across the bay. Plus I was already dealing with dates with three or four other fellows at the time and couldn't handle it. He seems like a decent guy, but somehow he didn't grab enough attention.
One guy that many of us seemed to like worked at CalPine. He was decent looking and had a very mellow demeanor. Strangely, he didn't identify any of us as people he wanted to e-mail. I can only wonder what he was looking for.
One of the more annoying guys was this sportscaster. The minute he sat down with me he asked why Asian men can't date white women. He was very defensive and loud throughout the conversation. The whole thing was so bizarre because it didn't feel like he really wanted to be there. How stupid is it to attend a speed dating event and sound like you're resentful for not being able to attract woman who are nowhere in the building?
I thought there were a couple other nice guys but they seemed rather young. It didn't really matter what I thought since they didn't match me. This one guy was really trying hard with our group. After the event was over he sat with us as we filled out our final match selections. It was a little annoying that he kept trying to see if we picked him. Not a smooth move.
The results came back quickly, the next morning in fact. All in all I think I had six names. I ended up contacting two of them. Maybe there was a third I should have written back but I couldn't remember whether I really wanted to. No more BAARE for me. I would be willing to give C2A another chance, however, because I felt like the mix of people there was better despite the fact I would "date" fewer men.
We all met near the Mont station where EH's sister kindly picked us up and drove us down to the bar where the event was being held. AS we arrived the fobish guy pulled up in his bright blue Nissan Z. He parked it directly out front of the place. All I could think was "insecure Asian nerd complex." He wasn't a very attractive guy be it his grooming or clothing.
The four of us sat around a bar table very apprehensive and skeptical of the whole situation. Sure enough, Mr. Z tried to come over and talk with us. Ugh. I know it's bad to judge by looks but he just seemed so dull. I think we all felt bad but we just didn't want to talk to him. Going off to the bathroom helped to shake him.
Some other guys who approached us were much more sociable. Speed dating itself often creates a very artificial mode of talking. Most of the guys seemed fine, but I'd have to say that there was no one in particular that caught my attention.
There were actually several guys I recognized before the dating started. This is why I hadn't been to an event in awhile. I was hoping to get a fresher batch of men to meet. I said "hi" to PL, a guy who I've now met three times at these events. The funny thing is both of us admitted that this was the first one we participated in in probably a year. What kind of coincidence is that?
I think we met some 22 guys that night. The one thing I don't like about the format is the randomness of the people and the sheer numbers. This particular organization allows everyone to meet everyone. It's overwhelming and exhausting.
Is and me ended up sitting in a little lounge area for the event. Jw and EH were around the corner at two bar tables. This would be interesting consider we could compare notes afterwards. Is would be the first of the four of us to encounter most of the guys are they were traveling in a counter-clockwise format.
admittedly it's been awhile. Vin seemed like a decent guy. He was very friendly and sociable with both of us. I think Is determined that he was decently close to us in age though he didn't look it. A group of good looking guys came together. In the end I found out that all knew the organizer and had been coaxed there. After our post-dating discussions we figured most of them we just having fun there and not really serious.
I remet one guy whom I had matched with last June. Although I exchanged a few e-mails I never met up with him because he lives across the bay. Plus I was already dealing with dates with three or four other fellows at the time and couldn't handle it. He seems like a decent guy, but somehow he didn't grab enough attention.
One guy that many of us seemed to like worked at CalPine. He was decent looking and had a very mellow demeanor. Strangely, he didn't identify any of us as people he wanted to e-mail. I can only wonder what he was looking for.
One of the more annoying guys was this sportscaster. The minute he sat down with me he asked why Asian men can't date white women. He was very defensive and loud throughout the conversation. The whole thing was so bizarre because it didn't feel like he really wanted to be there. How stupid is it to attend a speed dating event and sound like you're resentful for not being able to attract woman who are nowhere in the building?
I thought there were a couple other nice guys but they seemed rather young. It didn't really matter what I thought since they didn't match me. This one guy was really trying hard with our group. After the event was over he sat with us as we filled out our final match selections. It was a little annoying that he kept trying to see if we picked him. Not a smooth move.
The results came back quickly, the next morning in fact. All in all I think I had six names. I ended up contacting two of them. Maybe there was a third I should have written back but I couldn't remember whether I really wanted to. No more BAARE for me. I would be willing to give C2A another chance, however, because I felt like the mix of people there was better despite the fact I would "date" fewer men.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Interference
My mother is driving me mad. Allowing myself to be fixed up by her and her friends has opened a Pandora's box. I'm incredibly frustrated with things going on behind the scenes that I have no control over. I feel like my life is an open box that people car peer into without asking.
This weekend I received a message from my dad. He asked whether they had permission to give a picture of me to the mother of the guy they want me to meet. (I've been exchanging e-mail with him for two weeks. Mom also implied in a previous e-mail that his mom was going to meet with him this month and try and set up a time for us to meet.
Maybe some people are more amenable to this sort of thing. Maybe I'm not being very appreciative. This is just not my style. I'm not good at being told what to do when it comes to being told what's good for me. As much as I love my parents, I live away from my parents for a reason.
I don't know that my mother understands how upsetting and frustrating this whole situation is. She's making me miserable. I can't enjoy myself when I have to worry about her constantly.
This weekend I received a message from my dad. He asked whether they had permission to give a picture of me to the mother of the guy they want me to meet. (I've been exchanging e-mail with him for two weeks. Mom also implied in a previous e-mail that his mom was going to meet with him this month and try and set up a time for us to meet.
Maybe some people are more amenable to this sort of thing. Maybe I'm not being very appreciative. This is just not my style. I'm not good at being told what to do when it comes to being told what's good for me. As much as I love my parents, I live away from my parents for a reason.
I don't know that my mother understands how upsetting and frustrating this whole situation is. She's making me miserable. I can't enjoy myself when I have to worry about her constantly.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Compatibility versus chemistry
So here's the second half of today's "Dear Abby"
"DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman who wants very much to get married. I have been dating a wonderful man who wants to marry me. I'll call him "Byron." Byron is intelligent, kind, generous, comes from the same background I do, and shares my values. In short, he is absolutely everything I have ever dreamed of in a husband. He's not bad-looking, either.
The only problem is I feel very little physical attraction to him. It is not Byron's fault; the chemistry just isn't really there.
I am very confused. Part of me reasons that physical passion tends to fade over the years anyway, and I would be crazy to pass up a man who has so much else to offer. Another part of me feels that I'm not really in love with Byron, so it would be a mistake to marry him.
What should I do? Please hurry your reply -- he is waiting for an answer. -- CONFUSED IN CAMBRIDGE, MASS.
DEAR CONFUSED: Before you discard a man who has all of the attributes you describe, I suggest you ask him to wait just a little longer. You could benefit greatly by talking this out with a counselor who, in a nonjudgmental and unbiased way, can help you to organize your priorities."
I felt sad when I read this. It's not the position I'm in, but I feel like I could have been there with Tim. There are still days I wonder very similar things to what this woman writes. How many people out there feel this way about their significant others? What did they do?
Help organize priorities. Is that what I am supposed to be doing? I don't even know what to say to that.
"DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman who wants very much to get married. I have been dating a wonderful man who wants to marry me. I'll call him "Byron." Byron is intelligent, kind, generous, comes from the same background I do, and shares my values. In short, he is absolutely everything I have ever dreamed of in a husband. He's not bad-looking, either.
The only problem is I feel very little physical attraction to him. It is not Byron's fault; the chemistry just isn't really there.
I am very confused. Part of me reasons that physical passion tends to fade over the years anyway, and I would be crazy to pass up a man who has so much else to offer. Another part of me feels that I'm not really in love with Byron, so it would be a mistake to marry him.
What should I do? Please hurry your reply -- he is waiting for an answer. -- CONFUSED IN CAMBRIDGE, MASS.
DEAR CONFUSED: Before you discard a man who has all of the attributes you describe, I suggest you ask him to wait just a little longer. You could benefit greatly by talking this out with a counselor who, in a nonjudgmental and unbiased way, can help you to organize your priorities."
I felt sad when I read this. It's not the position I'm in, but I feel like I could have been there with Tim. There are still days I wonder very similar things to what this woman writes. How many people out there feel this way about their significant others? What did they do?
Help organize priorities. Is that what I am supposed to be doing? I don't even know what to say to that.
Friday, December 03, 2004
Disadvantages
I am so frustrated. I feel like I must convince myself that I am not meant to be married. It's amazing how dramatically my perspective has changed in three years. Being 30 was fine. It seemed like there was plenty of time to enjoy life. Now, I feel like I'm in a dead end alley with a huge brick wall clearly at the far end. I have no where to go.
I know people tell me I'm attractive. I suppose at least I have that to get people's attention. Unfortunately the minute I open my mouth or get one-on-one with someone, things go nowhere. Lately I've felt like all I can do is put my foot in my mouth. I'm jealous of Sh. Guys enjoy talking to her and want to get to know her. Among her male friends they all consider her a great person to know and hang around with. I feel like with everyone I know, there's always somebody they choose to call before me. Now of course you might say it doesn't matter since her dates were unsuccessful but at least she gets them. Still it's that "foot in the door" opportunity that I can't even get past.
Feeling this way makes me want to just stay home and do my own thing. I know I can't get anywhere if I don't make an effort to go out, but it's just so depressing. In the past I've compared dating to job hunting. But it's just so much more personal. And you know how personally I take even the smallest things. I don't handle rejection well. It's easier to avoid the truth and live alone. I feel like there's nothing out there for me.
I know people tell me I'm attractive. I suppose at least I have that to get people's attention. Unfortunately the minute I open my mouth or get one-on-one with someone, things go nowhere. Lately I've felt like all I can do is put my foot in my mouth. I'm jealous of Sh. Guys enjoy talking to her and want to get to know her. Among her male friends they all consider her a great person to know and hang around with. I feel like with everyone I know, there's always somebody they choose to call before me. Now of course you might say it doesn't matter since her dates were unsuccessful but at least she gets them. Still it's that "foot in the door" opportunity that I can't even get past.
Feeling this way makes me want to just stay home and do my own thing. I know I can't get anywhere if I don't make an effort to go out, but it's just so depressing. In the past I've compared dating to job hunting. But it's just so much more personal. And you know how personally I take even the smallest things. I don't handle rejection well. It's easier to avoid the truth and live alone. I feel like there's nothing out there for me.
Friday, October 01, 2004
Where to hide
I didn't plan it though I knew it had to happen soon. We went to a cooking class last night and then met up at my place to watch "Survivor." When the show was over, he started cuddling and kissing me. I felt totally uncomfortable.
I turned to him and told him that I'm still not sure how I feel. I didn't know what else to say? He asked what we could do about it? However I said it, he seemed to think my mind was already made up and there was no point in fighting for me. He wanted to understand why I thought this was over. I told him, very frankly, that I didn't feel like my heart was in it. As much as I enjoy spending time with him and feel happy, something's just not right. When he asked what else, I told him that while on the plane, the thought popped into my head about how I would respond if he proposed marriage. I couldn't see myself saying "yes."
There are a bunch of little things, but they really don't explain the situation. He still wanted to know the details. And perhaps against my better judgment I mentioned some of them. The biggest one is still that something doesn't sit right with me that he's not Chinese. It's a preference thing that's out of both our hands. Then there's the struggles we've had with sex. It's not a good sign to not feel passionate and fulfilled. Maybe it's just something that needs more work, but I have a feeling it goes deeper than that. There were other little nuissances I dare not mention. I closed with saying that sometimes our mismatched humor didn't help.
He mumbled dozens of comments during those hours on the couch:
- Darn, darn, darn
- N0 Yellowstone, no Xmas present?
- I don't get to take you to Paris
- But I just told my Dad about you
- I just made a key for you
- I knew it was all too perfect
- I was going to go and buy you a sushi mat
- I was going to watch football with you
- You gave me a puppy just in time
- You're not coming to the wedding?
- and lots of other thoughts where I only saw a sad smile on his face
He didn't want to leave. He calculated how long we've been together. He tried to be positive and say that he was glad we had this time together when I could have broken this off after one month. He was hurting, he was crying.
He talked about how different this was and how it came out of nowhere. Thinking back, now he understood why I had asked him last month if he would date someone if he knew it woudn't go anywhere. He thought there'd be more warning before we broke up, like having an argument. The feelings were also different because with his past relationships, it had been over long before the official break up. He went in knowing that it was not serious, whereas this time he went in thinking about the long term. I have no doubt that he wanted to marry me. He was just holding back his feelings until he was more sure about mine.
As he prepared to leave, he looked around my place as if to memorize every detail to preserve in his memory. We want to be friends. I just don't know when he'll go through his anger stage. What will it be like?
What's wrong with me? I know, nothing. It's not my fault. Still it's frustrating to find someone so amenable, so supportive, so loving and not be able to feel the same.
I turned to him and told him that I'm still not sure how I feel. I didn't know what else to say? He asked what we could do about it? However I said it, he seemed to think my mind was already made up and there was no point in fighting for me. He wanted to understand why I thought this was over. I told him, very frankly, that I didn't feel like my heart was in it. As much as I enjoy spending time with him and feel happy, something's just not right. When he asked what else, I told him that while on the plane, the thought popped into my head about how I would respond if he proposed marriage. I couldn't see myself saying "yes."
There are a bunch of little things, but they really don't explain the situation. He still wanted to know the details. And perhaps against my better judgment I mentioned some of them. The biggest one is still that something doesn't sit right with me that he's not Chinese. It's a preference thing that's out of both our hands. Then there's the struggles we've had with sex. It's not a good sign to not feel passionate and fulfilled. Maybe it's just something that needs more work, but I have a feeling it goes deeper than that. There were other little nuissances I dare not mention. I closed with saying that sometimes our mismatched humor didn't help.
He mumbled dozens of comments during those hours on the couch:
- Darn, darn, darn
- N0 Yellowstone, no Xmas present?
- I don't get to take you to Paris
- But I just told my Dad about you
- I just made a key for you
- I knew it was all too perfect
- I was going to go and buy you a sushi mat
- I was going to watch football with you
- You gave me a puppy just in time
- You're not coming to the wedding?
- and lots of other thoughts where I only saw a sad smile on his face
He didn't want to leave. He calculated how long we've been together. He tried to be positive and say that he was glad we had this time together when I could have broken this off after one month. He was hurting, he was crying.
He talked about how different this was and how it came out of nowhere. Thinking back, now he understood why I had asked him last month if he would date someone if he knew it woudn't go anywhere. He thought there'd be more warning before we broke up, like having an argument. The feelings were also different because with his past relationships, it had been over long before the official break up. He went in knowing that it was not serious, whereas this time he went in thinking about the long term. I have no doubt that he wanted to marry me. He was just holding back his feelings until he was more sure about mine.
As he prepared to leave, he looked around my place as if to memorize every detail to preserve in his memory. We want to be friends. I just don't know when he'll go through his anger stage. What will it be like?
What's wrong with me? I know, nothing. It's not my fault. Still it's frustrating to find someone so amenable, so supportive, so loving and not be able to feel the same.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
What to feel
So here I am dating Tim for almost four months now. At first I wasn't sure, then I was content to just date him. Now I find myself growing unhappy, not with him, but with myself. He's such a wonderful guy. He has so much of what I need in a man, and yet, I do not have passion for him. Why is it we love the men who treat us poorly and take us for granted? Then we find nice guys who fit the bill of what we think we want but then can't find enough feeling in our hearts. Grrrh.
I've been honest with him throughout this relationship. I don't know how I feel, I don't know if this is going anywhere. I am happy and content when we're together. I look forward to talking to him. But there's no spring in my step at the thought of him. There's no chill when I see him at the door. He's just there. I want to feel something more. Shouldn't I? What's the problem?
I admit I'm not as attracted to him as I'd like. I'm so used to dating Chinese men that anyone who doesn't have black hair, brown, slanted eyes and a clean face just doesn't do it for me. Oh it's so sad. Tim's a handsome guy. He's a little rugged looking from his time in the sun and has a big dimple on one side. I don't mind that he's 5'6". Why can't I get excited about him?
He's so into me. He's sweet and thoughtful. He comes over and takes care of my place when I'm gone. He'll go to the library and borrow books for me. He loves to just hold me and snuggle into my neck while we watch tv. He returns my playful nibbles with kisses and nibbles of his own. He's content to kiss and cuddle rather than rush to have sex. My God, I don't understand!
Lately, I think he's sensed more and more my distancing. I want to be with him. I take good care of him. I just am not all there. He's jokes about me breaking up with him, but I know it's because there's good reason to be concerned. I can't keep going like this; it's not fair to either or us.
The one thing I do find interesting is how much more I can be myself around him. Sadly, maybe it's because I'm not crazy in love with him. I know from my own past that I've done stupid things or gone along just to keep things "good" with men I dated. I'm not afraid to complain to him about his apartment. I'm not afraid to criticize the way he cleans the dishes. I don't worry about how I behave around his relatives. I act like myself and they all like it. I can't say the same when I was with previous boyfriends. In fact, I'd have to say I've definitely sabotaged a situation or two because of my self-conscious behavior.
My girlfriends have noticed the same thing with themselves. You can't care when you're on a date. You have to stand up for yourself. And guess what - guys find that attractive! Go figure. No wonder I was such a bore with the last boyfriend. I gave up my personality to keep the water calm. Little did I realize how I was killing our relationship.
I've been honest with him throughout this relationship. I don't know how I feel, I don't know if this is going anywhere. I am happy and content when we're together. I look forward to talking to him. But there's no spring in my step at the thought of him. There's no chill when I see him at the door. He's just there. I want to feel something more. Shouldn't I? What's the problem?
I admit I'm not as attracted to him as I'd like. I'm so used to dating Chinese men that anyone who doesn't have black hair, brown, slanted eyes and a clean face just doesn't do it for me. Oh it's so sad. Tim's a handsome guy. He's a little rugged looking from his time in the sun and has a big dimple on one side. I don't mind that he's 5'6". Why can't I get excited about him?
He's so into me. He's sweet and thoughtful. He comes over and takes care of my place when I'm gone. He'll go to the library and borrow books for me. He loves to just hold me and snuggle into my neck while we watch tv. He returns my playful nibbles with kisses and nibbles of his own. He's content to kiss and cuddle rather than rush to have sex. My God, I don't understand!
Lately, I think he's sensed more and more my distancing. I want to be with him. I take good care of him. I just am not all there. He's jokes about me breaking up with him, but I know it's because there's good reason to be concerned. I can't keep going like this; it's not fair to either or us.
The one thing I do find interesting is how much more I can be myself around him. Sadly, maybe it's because I'm not crazy in love with him. I know from my own past that I've done stupid things or gone along just to keep things "good" with men I dated. I'm not afraid to complain to him about his apartment. I'm not afraid to criticize the way he cleans the dishes. I don't worry about how I behave around his relatives. I act like myself and they all like it. I can't say the same when I was with previous boyfriends. In fact, I'd have to say I've definitely sabotaged a situation or two because of my self-conscious behavior.
My girlfriends have noticed the same thing with themselves. You can't care when you're on a date. You have to stand up for yourself. And guess what - guys find that attractive! Go figure. No wonder I was such a bore with the last boyfriend. I gave up my personality to keep the water calm. Little did I realize how I was killing our relationship.
Monday, July 26, 2004
Another full weekend
I had an absolutely empty weekend once I got back from my business trip. I was happy to catch an earlier flight and arrive home around 7:30pm. I called Tim just before getting home to tell him to come over. We always kind of play coy with each other about whether we'll spend the night together. This was the third weekend in a row.
After he arrived we went to have Indian food. Tasting tikka masala earlier in the week had left me yearning for the taste of the yummy sauce with naan. Tim ordered the pamb with spinach. I always thought that was referred to as saag, but it was listed differently depending on whether you ordered chicken or lamb. He paid for dinner though I offered some cash. For dessert I offered to treat him to gelato across the street.
After dinner we had a simple evening of watching the tv "Sex and the City" episodes that he recorded off TBS. Watching the show always brings up questions, mostly things I don't want to talk about. As much as I appreciate the openness and honesty of our relationship, sometimes it can get me in trouble.
After he arrived we went to have Indian food. Tasting tikka masala earlier in the week had left me yearning for the taste of the yummy sauce with naan. Tim ordered the pamb with spinach. I always thought that was referred to as saag, but it was listed differently depending on whether you ordered chicken or lamb. He paid for dinner though I offered some cash. For dessert I offered to treat him to gelato across the street.
After dinner we had a simple evening of watching the tv "Sex and the City" episodes that he recorded off TBS. Watching the show always brings up questions, mostly things I don't want to talk about. As much as I appreciate the openness and honesty of our relationship, sometimes it can get me in trouble.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Kindest Call
Tan called last night just as I was heading out the door. He went on about visiting a friend while on his business trip. I do like talking with him. We seem to get along well in that respect. I have to admit writing him on Monday was a difficult choice because I'm still not completely sure.
I wasn't sure where to interrupt him. I wanted to chat more but was already running late. I apologized and told him that I couldn't stay on the phone long. He moved to the point of telling me that he received my e-mail. He thanked me for being honest and was incredibly understanding. Once again I commented that I'm just not very good at dating. His response was, "none of us are."
He bought me a small gift while he was gone. Yes, I felt like a heel. He wants to still meet up "as friends" sometime so that he can give it to me. I told him I would definitely like that thought it may be awhile considering I have two weeks of travel coming up soon. He suggested I give him a call next time to set up something.
Gosh, why does this all have to get so complicated. I can't tell him about Tim. That would really make him feel bad. I think I just have a hard time being myself in these dating situations. I don't feel like I've necessarily been myself with him and I worry that his impression of me is not accurate. Perhaps taking the pressure out of getting to know each other will be better. We'll see if we actually hang out much from here.
I wasn't sure where to interrupt him. I wanted to chat more but was already running late. I apologized and told him that I couldn't stay on the phone long. He moved to the point of telling me that he received my e-mail. He thanked me for being honest and was incredibly understanding. Once again I commented that I'm just not very good at dating. His response was, "none of us are."
He bought me a small gift while he was gone. Yes, I felt like a heel. He wants to still meet up "as friends" sometime so that he can give it to me. I told him I would definitely like that thought it may be awhile considering I have two weeks of travel coming up soon. He suggested I give him a call next time to set up something.
Gosh, why does this all have to get so complicated. I can't tell him about Tim. That would really make him feel bad. I think I just have a hard time being myself in these dating situations. I don't feel like I've necessarily been myself with him and I worry that his impression of me is not accurate. Perhaps taking the pressure out of getting to know each other will be better. We'll see if we actually hang out much from here.
Monday, July 19, 2004
Down to one
It was probably a rash decision, but considering how little I've thought about him over the past week and how much time I've been spending with someone else, I figured an e-mail was in order. People have told me to not rush into any decision and not feel pressured. I can't help it, I'm not the type of person to have my attentions spread all over the place. It seems like all my female friends are torn about the people they are dating. Can't any of us be completely happy?
So I wrote Tan this morning. I think he's back from his business trip. I was very honest, I really didn't even close it off completely. I didn't know exactly what to say. Part of me wonders if things would develop with more time together. Am I being patient enough? Did I give this enough time? We'll see if he bothers to write or call.
"Hi Tan,
Hope you had a good trip to Asia. Thanks for the links. The Verizon event looked interesting though I guess it's hard to participate if you don't have a camera phone. It would have been intersting to watch people randomly running through the city.
I've been thinking a bit this past week and need to let you know that I'm not sure that there's enough chemistry to continue dating. I enjoy hanging out with you and think we get along well. It could be that I'm just not very good at dating. I believe in trying to be honest with people about these things because I know we're all trying to find that special person.
Take care,"
So I wrote Tan this morning. I think he's back from his business trip. I was very honest, I really didn't even close it off completely. I didn't know exactly what to say. Part of me wonders if things would develop with more time together. Am I being patient enough? Did I give this enough time? We'll see if he bothers to write or call.
"Hi Tan,
Hope you had a good trip to Asia. Thanks for the links. The Verizon event looked interesting though I guess it's hard to participate if you don't have a camera phone. It would have been intersting to watch people randomly running through the city.
I've been thinking a bit this past week and need to let you know that I'm not sure that there's enough chemistry to continue dating. I enjoy hanging out with you and think we get along well. It could be that I'm just not very good at dating. I believe in trying to be honest with people about these things because I know we're all trying to find that special person.
Take care,"
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Cooking weekend
Tim spent almost 48 hours with me this weekend. Other than a few hours when I focused on cooking and he went to play ultimate, we were no more than a few feet away from each other.
It started Friday night after I got back from dinner with a friend. He was just hanging out at home and came over when I called. I suggested he pack something to stay the night. Am I too forward and not playing hard enough to get? He teases about it, but I know that he's happy to get to stay with me. Nothing happened; he's been very well-behaved in that department. I was tired and wanted to get up early to go to the farmers' market and start preparing food for my Sunday lunch. We kissed and cuddled before falling asleep.
In the morning, it was tortured to wake up. We lingered an hour longer in bed than I had originally wanted. We did play around for awhile. He used his fingers to arouse me. I love the attention and genuine desire he has to understand me.
The farmers' market was fun. All the produce looks so scrumptious and plentiful. I picked up everything I needed fairly quickly. It gave us time to prepare a few things like the gazpacho before it was time to head out for my company picnic.
It started Friday night after I got back from dinner with a friend. He was just hanging out at home and came over when I called. I suggested he pack something to stay the night. Am I too forward and not playing hard enough to get? He teases about it, but I know that he's happy to get to stay with me. Nothing happened; he's been very well-behaved in that department. I was tired and wanted to get up early to go to the farmers' market and start preparing food for my Sunday lunch. We kissed and cuddled before falling asleep.
In the morning, it was tortured to wake up. We lingered an hour longer in bed than I had originally wanted. We did play around for awhile. He used his fingers to arouse me. I love the attention and genuine desire he has to understand me.
The farmers' market was fun. All the produce looks so scrumptious and plentiful. I picked up everything I needed fairly quickly. It gave us time to prepare a few things like the gazpacho before it was time to head out for my company picnic.
Monday, July 12, 2004
Creamery
I saw Tim all but six hours on Sunday. First I stopped by his place late after being out with friends all day Saturday. I knew he might be asleep but decided to check around 1am. Turns out he was just about to go to bed when I knocked. We ended up kissing and talking until 4am.
It was painful waking up at 9:30am. He sounded so chipper in comparison when I called him. It is very nice to see him at my door when he comes over. We sat around talking as we waited for the delivery to arrive.
The bed took longer than expected to arrive. The guy bringing it had forgotten a few pieces and had to drive back home to get them. They were a very nice couple I bought the bed from, so I was very patient and understanding about the whole process. I was very happy when he arrived to see that he had made some effort to protect the wood from getting dented and scratched by covering everything with blankets and cardboard.
The gentleman had brought his 1.5 year-old son along. He was a sweet little boy named Zachary, who was wide awake, not shy but quiet. He was allowed to walk around on his own as the guys unloaded the truck. Zach was good about staying close to the car and was content playing with the plant leave and looking at the rocks in the yard.
After moving all the pieces up to my room, we head over to the Creamery for brunch. Tim has suggested this last week. It's becoming difficult to know when we're on a date because it's become rather informal. Nothing wrong with that, but I wouldn't mind another opportunity to get dressed up and go out.
Since we arrived towards the end of the lunch hour, the wait wasn't bad at all. While we waited, I took a look at all the pies on display. They had a nice variety but the prices were a bit higher than I expected. It was more than a dollar higher that the price at Apple's in EB.
I remember having a discussion with him about coconut as we waited for someone to take our order. The brioche french toast sounded really good, but when Tim said he was thinking about ordering the Caribbean french toast, I changed my order to the Belgian waffle so we could share. When he found out that the Caribbean part refers to adding shredded coconut to the toast, he went with the regular french toast. It was funny that we had just talked about it.
He ended up spending all day with me. In the afternoon we assembled the bed.
It was painful waking up at 9:30am. He sounded so chipper in comparison when I called him. It is very nice to see him at my door when he comes over. We sat around talking as we waited for the delivery to arrive.
The bed took longer than expected to arrive. The guy bringing it had forgotten a few pieces and had to drive back home to get them. They were a very nice couple I bought the bed from, so I was very patient and understanding about the whole process. I was very happy when he arrived to see that he had made some effort to protect the wood from getting dented and scratched by covering everything with blankets and cardboard.
The gentleman had brought his 1.5 year-old son along. He was a sweet little boy named Zachary, who was wide awake, not shy but quiet. He was allowed to walk around on his own as the guys unloaded the truck. Zach was good about staying close to the car and was content playing with the plant leave and looking at the rocks in the yard.
After moving all the pieces up to my room, we head over to the Creamery for brunch. Tim has suggested this last week. It's becoming difficult to know when we're on a date because it's become rather informal. Nothing wrong with that, but I wouldn't mind another opportunity to get dressed up and go out.
Since we arrived towards the end of the lunch hour, the wait wasn't bad at all. While we waited, I took a look at all the pies on display. They had a nice variety but the prices were a bit higher than I expected. It was more than a dollar higher that the price at Apple's in EB.
I remember having a discussion with him about coconut as we waited for someone to take our order. The brioche french toast sounded really good, but when Tim said he was thinking about ordering the Caribbean french toast, I changed my order to the Belgian waffle so we could share. When he found out that the Caribbean part refers to adding shredded coconut to the toast, he went with the regular french toast. It was funny that we had just talked about it.
He ended up spending all day with me. In the afternoon we assembled the bed.
Curious response
I realize rejection is no fun, but etiquette these days is so lacking with technology such as e-mail. I'm not the greatest at tact but I think it's important to be honest with people. I have to say I'm rather annoyed with an e-mail I received today.
"Hi,
I had a fine week, thanks.
I agree with everything you say. I don't think there's
enough chemistry either. I wasn't planning to ask you
out again anyway, so your message surprised me because
it presupposed I would.
Good luck to you!
--"
There are two things that bother me about his response:
1) He clearly implied that he had future meeting in mind when I exited his car on our last date.
2) So he was just going to not contact me again rather than be polite and say I'm not interested? The "anyway" comment makes me think he's hurt or being defensive with me.
"Hi,
I had a fine week, thanks.
I agree with everything you say. I don't think there's
enough chemistry either. I wasn't planning to ask you
out again anyway, so your message surprised me because
it presupposed I would.
Good luck to you!
--"
There are two things that bother me about his response:
1) He clearly implied that he had future meeting in mind when I exited his car on our last date.
2) So he was just going to not contact me again rather than be polite and say I'm not interested? The "anyway" comment makes me think he's hurt or being defensive with me.
Sunday, July 11, 2004
In his court
TJ joined us for dinner on Saturday night. Friends were asking me about my dating prospects. As I worked through my list of potential candidates and how I have eliminated some, I felt compelled to indicate my disappointment not to hear from GF. TJ informed me that GF recently asked him if he had talked with me. GF's response was that he had written me but not received a response.
I was disappointed and frustrated to hear that. He wrote me back on July 2nd. You'd think he could take some initiative and write me to ask for a date! Duh, you don't have to wait for the girl to write back. I have written him two fairly clear e-mails hinting that I was available for a date. Neither time has he made any effort to actually try and set a time with me. I don't understand and am unwilling to continue being the one to try and initiate something. As independent and modern as I am, I still would appreciate a guy who will make the effort to properly ask a girl out (at least for the first few dates).
Well, I'm not going to write him. It's really too bad because of all the speed dating guys I've met, I really wanted to get to know GF. I found him attractive and likeable. But if this lack of motivation and assertiveness is reflective of his overall personality, then it wouldn't work anyhow. That's one of the reason my last boyfriend made me unhappy; I don't need to repeat that.
I was disappointed and frustrated to hear that. He wrote me back on July 2nd. You'd think he could take some initiative and write me to ask for a date! Duh, you don't have to wait for the girl to write back. I have written him two fairly clear e-mails hinting that I was available for a date. Neither time has he made any effort to actually try and set a time with me. I don't understand and am unwilling to continue being the one to try and initiate something. As independent and modern as I am, I still would appreciate a guy who will make the effort to properly ask a girl out (at least for the first few dates).
Well, I'm not going to write him. It's really too bad because of all the speed dating guys I've met, I really wanted to get to know GF. I found him attractive and likeable. But if this lack of motivation and assertiveness is reflective of his overall personality, then it wouldn't work anyhow. That's one of the reason my last boyfriend made me unhappy; I don't need to repeat that.
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Fahrenheit Thursday
I was surprised to receive a call from Tan on Monday. It was a brief call as it was getting late and I had plenty of house stuff to take care of. He called to see if I wanted to meet up for a movie during the week. He suggested seeing "Fahrenheit 9/11." I said my Thursday would be the only available day. Turns out for him that Tues. and Thurs. are the two days he'll be working in the neighborhood. So the plan is to pick up some burritos and go to the movies.
***********************************
He was waiting for me by the fountain. I was on the phone coordinating plans for Friday night when I walked up to him. We hugged and then hopped into his car to go pick up burritos from La Costena. He told me had watched "Amazing Race" the night before to see what it was about. It sounded like he found it interesting although I guess he hadn't heard of it until I mentioned it. As we got out of the car he said, "As a way to get to know you, how would you act in this situation?" He was asking how I would approach being a contestant on the show. I said I would pretty much take charge. But I buffered my response reminding him that it really depends on the situation because obviously if my teammate was familiar with that city, I would delegate decisions to them.
He also commented about my positive attitude. He asked if I am generally an optimistic and upbeat person. I hesistated to answer that. I suppose it's a good thing that these days everyone notices my positive attitude but I know all too well that my mood can change. I told him that generally it was true but that everyone has their bad days. It's interesting how attractive a positive attitude can be to men.
On our way back to the theatre we talked about music. He recently cancelled his satellite radio subscription but swears by it. I mentioned that I'm going to see Sarah Mclachlan. He has a few of her albums and recalled seeing her at the Bridge concert several years ago.
We ate our burritos on a bench by the fountain rather than inside the theatre. It was such a tasty meal. I felt stuffed after getting through about 3/5 of mine. Somehow I ate faster than him, maybe it's an indication of how much more he was talking. He told me about setting priorities in his life. His cousin just got engaged and it will likely force him to reschedule his planned Hawaii golf outing in October. She got engaged after 8 months of dating and plans to get married in three. What's the rush?
Related to setting priorities, he told me story about being in b-school back in 1994 when he lost a high school friend to drugs. Instead of being a pallbearer at the funeral, however, he showed up at his summer Motorola internship. At the time he was more concerned about making a good impression during his first few work days than saying goodbye to an old friend. He regrets it now and says he would not do it again for a job.
He also briefly talked about cars. He seems fixated on the idea of buying a Subaru Outback as he mentioned it during our last date too. Nothing wrong with that, believe me, I love those cars. When he asked a friend if he could picture him in the car, his friend poo-pooed it as a family car that he didn't need. He likes the car because of the cargo room and the stability of all-wheel drive. When I asked him how often he travels to places such as Tahoe, he said he only made it up there once last winter. I thought it didn't make much sense to get the AWD if you don't use it. It appeals to him purely from a stability and safety standpoint. It has nothing to do with needing it. While I can see him point, I don't necessarily think is adds that much.
Maybe I'm looking for problems, but sometime I feel like he's just saying things to make himself sound good. Mentioning the car, how he is responsible with money, just other little things that get emphasized that seem out of the ordinary. I probably am just imagining things. You know how hard I'm trying not to commit to any of the men I'm dating. This is a big hang up I need to get past.
The movie theatre was decently full when we finally went in. We waited until 15 minutes before the start because he didn't think it'd be that busy. He did remember my preference for 2/3 back in the center. We ended up a little further back, but the seats were still good. We ended up in this couple-like seat. I have to admit I was a little concerned about him potentially making a move on me. But as fate would have it, a pair of people walked in late and asked us to move over one seat so they could sit. By shifting over one seat we ended up separated by a spacing between the seating segments. Two permanent arm rests separated us.
Occasionally during the movie we'd turn and look at each other during a funny moment. Once or twice I leaned over to make a comment or ask a question. The movie was good thought obviously slanted. It made me wonder what the other side has to say in terms of rebuttals. It makes me question the truth and how you can trust anyone in government when it comes to money and power.
As we walked to the car, Tan kept running into me. I was walking a straight line towards where the car was parked. He tended to walk with a slight veer to the left which cause him to bump me a couple times. It turns out that he must hop onto a plane on Saturday to Singapore for work. He will also stay there a couple days to catch up with family.
Overall, it felt about the same as last time. I can't say my affection has grown. I enjoy talking with him, but something still seems out of place and I can't describe it. It may simply be that I'm too involved already with someone else to make room in my heart.
***********************************
He was waiting for me by the fountain. I was on the phone coordinating plans for Friday night when I walked up to him. We hugged and then hopped into his car to go pick up burritos from La Costena. He told me had watched "Amazing Race" the night before to see what it was about. It sounded like he found it interesting although I guess he hadn't heard of it until I mentioned it. As we got out of the car he said, "As a way to get to know you, how would you act in this situation?" He was asking how I would approach being a contestant on the show. I said I would pretty much take charge. But I buffered my response reminding him that it really depends on the situation because obviously if my teammate was familiar with that city, I would delegate decisions to them.
He also commented about my positive attitude. He asked if I am generally an optimistic and upbeat person. I hesistated to answer that. I suppose it's a good thing that these days everyone notices my positive attitude but I know all too well that my mood can change. I told him that generally it was true but that everyone has their bad days. It's interesting how attractive a positive attitude can be to men.
On our way back to the theatre we talked about music. He recently cancelled his satellite radio subscription but swears by it. I mentioned that I'm going to see Sarah Mclachlan. He has a few of her albums and recalled seeing her at the Bridge concert several years ago.
We ate our burritos on a bench by the fountain rather than inside the theatre. It was such a tasty meal. I felt stuffed after getting through about 3/5 of mine. Somehow I ate faster than him, maybe it's an indication of how much more he was talking. He told me about setting priorities in his life. His cousin just got engaged and it will likely force him to reschedule his planned Hawaii golf outing in October. She got engaged after 8 months of dating and plans to get married in three. What's the rush?
Related to setting priorities, he told me story about being in b-school back in 1994 when he lost a high school friend to drugs. Instead of being a pallbearer at the funeral, however, he showed up at his summer Motorola internship. At the time he was more concerned about making a good impression during his first few work days than saying goodbye to an old friend. He regrets it now and says he would not do it again for a job.
He also briefly talked about cars. He seems fixated on the idea of buying a Subaru Outback as he mentioned it during our last date too. Nothing wrong with that, believe me, I love those cars. When he asked a friend if he could picture him in the car, his friend poo-pooed it as a family car that he didn't need. He likes the car because of the cargo room and the stability of all-wheel drive. When I asked him how often he travels to places such as Tahoe, he said he only made it up there once last winter. I thought it didn't make much sense to get the AWD if you don't use it. It appeals to him purely from a stability and safety standpoint. It has nothing to do with needing it. While I can see him point, I don't necessarily think is adds that much.
Maybe I'm looking for problems, but sometime I feel like he's just saying things to make himself sound good. Mentioning the car, how he is responsible with money, just other little things that get emphasized that seem out of the ordinary. I probably am just imagining things. You know how hard I'm trying not to commit to any of the men I'm dating. This is a big hang up I need to get past.
The movie theatre was decently full when we finally went in. We waited until 15 minutes before the start because he didn't think it'd be that busy. He did remember my preference for 2/3 back in the center. We ended up a little further back, but the seats were still good. We ended up in this couple-like seat. I have to admit I was a little concerned about him potentially making a move on me. But as fate would have it, a pair of people walked in late and asked us to move over one seat so they could sit. By shifting over one seat we ended up separated by a spacing between the seating segments. Two permanent arm rests separated us.
Occasionally during the movie we'd turn and look at each other during a funny moment. Once or twice I leaned over to make a comment or ask a question. The movie was good thought obviously slanted. It made me wonder what the other side has to say in terms of rebuttals. It makes me question the truth and how you can trust anyone in government when it comes to money and power.
As we walked to the car, Tan kept running into me. I was walking a straight line towards where the car was parked. He tended to walk with a slight veer to the left which cause him to bump me a couple times. It turns out that he must hop onto a plane on Saturday to Singapore for work. He will also stay there a couple days to catch up with family.
Overall, it felt about the same as last time. I can't say my affection has grown. I enjoy talking with him, but something still seems out of place and I can't describe it. It may simply be that I'm too involved already with someone else to make room in my heart.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Another one bites the dust
There's a fellow I've been writing off and on since we met at a speed dating event back in April. We've never managed to meet up. The first couple times it was me being too tired and busy with moving. The last two times, he's picked dates that I already had other engagements. I feel bad, but honestly I can't remember him anymore so it doesn't give me much inspiration to put in any effort to make time. So today, I just decided to write this opportunity off.
"I'm actually taking a friend out for an all-day birthday outing.
It would be really nice to meet up with you, but frankly the timing just doesn't seem to be working out. I have been seeing some others and I think it's going to be really difficult at this point to play catch up. Perhaps sometime in the future we'll run into each other."
He was really nice about it. I got an e-mail back from him wishing me well with the other guys. I appreciate the reponse. People like him are the guys I'd like to get to know better. It's just too bad the timing has been so off.
"I'm actually taking a friend out for an all-day birthday outing.
It would be really nice to meet up with you, but frankly the timing just doesn't seem to be working out. I have been seeing some others and I think it's going to be really difficult at this point to play catch up. Perhaps sometime in the future we'll run into each other."
He was really nice about it. I got an e-mail back from him wishing me well with the other guys. I appreciate the reponse. People like him are the guys I'd like to get to know better. It's just too bad the timing has been so off.
Bye to the older guy
I've been sitting on the idea for days now. My friend definitely felt that I should move on since I'm still not that crazy about his age. He's a decent guy but I just feel like life would be a little boring.
So this morning I wrote him an e-mail:
"Hope you had a fun weekend and have a found a good way
to enjoy your week off.
Thanks again for dinner and hanging out at the movie
last week. I have enjoyed getting to know you. After
thinking about it some more, however, I don't feel
like there's enough chemistry to continue dating. I'm
sure you would agree that finding the right person is
important, and I don't want to waste your time."
I wanted to be as nice as possible about it. He really is a very smart and well-mannered person. I'm sure somewhere in there is a fun and funny person. I just wasn't interested enough to try and draw our more of his personality.
So this morning I wrote him an e-mail:
"Hope you had a fun weekend and have a found a good way
to enjoy your week off.
Thanks again for dinner and hanging out at the movie
last week. I have enjoyed getting to know you. After
thinking about it some more, however, I don't feel
like there's enough chemistry to continue dating. I'm
sure you would agree that finding the right person is
important, and I don't want to waste your time."
I wanted to be as nice as possible about it. He really is a very smart and well-mannered person. I'm sure somewhere in there is a fun and funny person. I just wasn't interested enough to try and draw our more of his personality.
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