Tuesday, September 21, 2004

What to feel

So here I am dating Tim for almost four months now. At first I wasn't sure, then I was content to just date him. Now I find myself growing unhappy, not with him, but with myself. He's such a wonderful guy. He has so much of what I need in a man, and yet, I do not have passion for him. Why is it we love the men who treat us poorly and take us for granted? Then we find nice guys who fit the bill of what we think we want but then can't find enough feeling in our hearts. Grrrh.

I've been honest with him throughout this relationship. I don't know how I feel, I don't know if this is going anywhere. I am happy and content when we're together. I look forward to talking to him. But there's no spring in my step at the thought of him. There's no chill when I see him at the door. He's just there. I want to feel something more. Shouldn't I? What's the problem?

I admit I'm not as attracted to him as I'd like. I'm so used to dating Chinese men that anyone who doesn't have black hair, brown, slanted eyes and a clean face just doesn't do it for me. Oh it's so sad. Tim's a handsome guy. He's a little rugged looking from his time in the sun and has a big dimple on one side. I don't mind that he's 5'6". Why can't I get excited about him?

He's so into me. He's sweet and thoughtful. He comes over and takes care of my place when I'm gone. He'll go to the library and borrow books for me. He loves to just hold me and snuggle into my neck while we watch tv. He returns my playful nibbles with kisses and nibbles of his own. He's content to kiss and cuddle rather than rush to have sex. My God, I don't understand!

Lately, I think he's sensed more and more my distancing. I want to be with him. I take good care of him. I just am not all there. He's jokes about me breaking up with him, but I know it's because there's good reason to be concerned. I can't keep going like this; it's not fair to either or us.

The one thing I do find interesting is how much more I can be myself around him. Sadly, maybe it's because I'm not crazy in love with him. I know from my own past that I've done stupid things or gone along just to keep things "good" with men I dated. I'm not afraid to complain to him about his apartment. I'm not afraid to criticize the way he cleans the dishes. I don't worry about how I behave around his relatives. I act like myself and they all like it. I can't say the same when I was with previous boyfriends. In fact, I'd have to say I've definitely sabotaged a situation or two because of my self-conscious behavior.

My girlfriends have noticed the same thing with themselves. You can't care when you're on a date. You have to stand up for yourself. And guess what - guys find that attractive! Go figure. No wonder I was such a bore with the last boyfriend. I gave up my personality to keep the water calm. Little did I realize how I was killing our relationship.

1 comment:

Clinton said...

There is a school of thought that may pin Tim as a classic "nice guy". I see a lot of myself in Tim. He's upstanding, honest, straight-forward, caring, gentlemanly and all around nice.

That you were not feeling the fires of passion for him is not a complete surprise. Tim lacks mystery. He's an open book and furthermore he is far, fary too accomodating to you so early in your relationship. That may sound callous, but it's true. You've likely begun to take him for granted, simply because he's always available and he'll bend over backwards for you. There's no push back... there's no challenge, for YOU.

So is what you're feeling screwed up? Yes, a little. Tim, for all intents and purposes, is probaby grade A material for a great, long-term relationship. I'm sure there are many chemistry-related factors involved... but I think what i just mentioned has played a huge role in how your relationship has developed. Things shouldn't be this way, but I think Tim shot himself in the foot by being too nice to you. It's a sad state of affairs, this modern dating life, but that's how it usually works.