Saturday, March 24, 2007

Run at First Sight

I'm coming up to five years since I first met Ryan. It's been about 3.5 years since we broke up. To this day, there are thing that I avoid because they remind me of him - college basketball, John Mayer, etc.

I was reminded of this fact on a trip to town this week. In my attempt to be green and save myself the torture of driving during rush hour, I chose to use public transportation to attend a professional meeting.

My route would take me to the stop he uses to travel from work to home (or at least he still uses as far as a know). Normally, this won't be a huge concern except that I would likely arrive around the time he might leave work. I might see him as I get off and he gets one.

One stop before my street, several people got on. Out of the corner of my eye, one guy seemed to fit the profile of Ryan. I panicked as I looked up and thought he recognized me. I quicky resumed reading my magazine as he sat down across from me. I didn't have the courage to look his way. I was totally uncomfortable.

Knowing my stop was next, I stood up and went over to the door with my back to the guy. If it was Ryan, I didn't want to give him any chance to realize it was me or talk to me. I was fairly sure it was not him, but I didn't want to take any risk.

I was relieved when I stepped out and exited. The further I got down the street, the more relaxed I became. Once I calmed down, I thought back to the event and reasoned that it was not him. Besides the fact that it was the wrong stop where I saw him, the black shoulder bag the guy worn is not Ryan's style. He has a classic, leather case which he carries to work. He's not the bike messenger type.

But the point of this is not whether I bumped into Ryan. The issue is that I'm still so paranoid. It seems really... well, LAME and PATHETIC, that he can still affect me this way. I hate that I walk around in "fear" of him. I get really mad at myself for this. I worry there's something wrong with me that I am still so strong affected by an ex-boyfriend. What is my problem? Is this preventing me from having a meaningful relationship?

This one case where I wish I could have my memory erased sometimes... .


teahouse said...

So what happened with Ryan, that he still has this effect on you? Running into an ex is never fun.

I was told at a party on Friday night that my ex just got engaged! It doesn't matter how much time has passed; it will always be weird when it comes to exes.

Pandax said...

THB, I'm not sure how much background you're wanting to hear.

Apparently, I wrote a synopsis about him this time last year you can read in my archives. Basically, the man broke my heart and I thought I was going to die trying to get over him.