Sunday, March 11, 2007

Hormones are hell

I looked on the calendar to see that I'll probably need to keep an eye out for the monthly monster. As I drove home from a brunch for my friend's birthday, it occurred to me that my underlying unhappiness was probably due to hormonal changes.

Over the past few years, I've noticed in hindsight that my most negative thoughts, my most irrational behavior, my non-life-threatening thoughts of leaving this world all tend to surface in the days before I start my period. Sometimes I realize it as it is happening, but most times it's something I recognize in hindsight.

The night before the brunch, I had a strong urge to call Tim to ask him to let everyone know that I would not attend the brunch. There was no particular person I wanted to avoid, no competing activity, no lack of interest in the food. There was simply this overwhelming sense of dread and unhappiness at the thought of sitting around dozens of couples.

My discomfort was verified by the site of TJ and his girlfriend entering the restaurant 100ft. ahead of me. He, of all people bugs me, because of his history of questionable relationships with women. I know this from personal experience and first-hand conversation from those involved. It irks me that someone whom I perceived to be an ass could be so lucky to turn around, find someone who he's totally happy with, and have it last this long. I guess I think about Karma and wonder why the f*k he deserves this happiness while I struggle with dating.

My internal thoughts can be very extreme when I'm hormonal. Of course, I'll always put on a smile and play happy and nice with everyone. It is nice to see people. Now that everyone is married and coupled, it's rarer that we all get together. Underneath my smiles and laughs, I wanted to disappear or distract myself with physical pain to forget the isolation I was experiencing.

It's times like these when I think crazy thoughts like selling off all my belongings and driving off. My mind expanded upon that idea this time and developed the story of me parking at a hiking trail and just getting myself lost. Another moment, I consider turning off my phone and not responding to any e-mails for a month. I want to see how I would feel if I were truly alone. Sometimes it seems like it'd be easier to avoid everyone because they remind so much of how alone I am. As much as I love my friends, it's days like these the peace of mind from not seeing them is greater than the fun and connection I gain from spending time with them. This not something I'd ever explain to them or expect them to understand.

This moment will pass, as have many others. Still, I need to find a better way to work through them.

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