What about Tim

A conversation in the car from another day...

Tim: Sh offered to come over and give me new light bulbs.

P: Why?

Tim: [sarcastic] I told her I like it bright, so I have powerful halogen lamps in my apartment.

P: You mean she offered to buy you new bulbs.

Tim: No, she already has them.

P: She's funny. Ig finds her too intense sometimes.

Tim: That's why he wouldn't date her?

P: Yeah, I think she's a little too extreme in her environmental ways for him sometimes.

Tim: Ah, so he's wants a more laid back relationship.

P: Yeah, I guess you could say that. It is his personality. How come you don't ask her out?

Tim: [shrug shoulders] She's nice, but I'm not interested.

P: Why?

Tim: She's not my type.

P: What do you mean? Explain.

Tim: We don't have anything in common.

P: No? [He shakes his head.] So then what are you looking for?

Tim: Well... someone who's cute, laid back, and adventurous. Someone who's willing to try things.

P: Oh, okay. What about me? I'm adventurous.

Tim: Kind of. We don't have that much in common.

P: But we dated?

Tim: Yeah, but it wouldn't have lasted.

P: We like to do things together - watch movies, play games, go camping.

Tim: Yeah, everyone likes to watch movies. We go camping like, once a year.

***********

Tim: I want to buy a condo. How much do you think I need for a down payment?

P: Really, you don't need any. I suppose 10% would be good.

Tim: Okay. Lend me some money.

P: Nope, you gotta marry me. Then, I'll share my money.

Tim: Aw, come on, give me some money so I can buy a place.

P: I'm only giving that kind of money to the man I marry.

Tim: But you won't marry me.

P: You just said we have nothing in common.

Tim and I have these half-joking conversations maybe once a month. As time has passed, I have a hard time knowing how seriously to take him. He can be a rather goofy and joking person. When I test his feelings about me, I believe he's telling me the truth - that he cares for me but does not love me. Occasionally, I doubt him, but that is becoming less the case as time moves forward.

In the first six months after we stopped dating, he would have jumped at a second chance for us. It's now been more than a year and a half since then. We have settled into a comfortable and close friendship. We see each other 2-3 times a week. We probably talk 5-6 days a week (counting 30 second phone calls). There is no one else with whom I spend that much time. In comparison, maybe I see a few of my girlfriends two days in the same week and exchange an e-mail with them.

We treat each other well. If I have a problem, he'll help trouble shoot. He helped setup my new computer and bought me an external hard drive, the pretty blue one I wanted. He'll order episodes of Gilmore Girls using his Netflix account. If he's around and I feel like cooking, I make dinner for two. He also visits because I let him use my laundry (nothing like having your own washer and dryer). I know it sounds rather domestic. This doesn't happen all the time, maybe every other week.

And yet, though my feelings for him are strong, they are not enough to want to date him. I enjoy his company regardless of what we're doing - playing PS2 games, watching movies, cooking, hiking, dancing. People don't trust their gut enough. Mine is telling me that there's something amiss. Some might say I'm afraid to be happy. Perhaps others would say that I'm being too picky. I worry I'm too afraid of getting hurt again. Even my therapist doesn't know what to make of the situation.

The recent press surrounding Oprah and her good friend is a good example of people jumping to conclusions. Today's American culture is suspicious whenever two people spend an extraordinary amount of time together (and are comfortable being in each other's personal space). Meanwhile, in other places like Europe and Asia, there are many cases where you will see girls holding hands, walking arm-in-arm, and boys sharing beds. There's nothing sexual or intimate about it - it's simply an expression of friendship.

Because Tim and I once dated and because we are a male and female, everyone thinks there must be something going on. I must admit I once thought the same thing of Ig and Sh, but I never said anything. That's their business. For whatever reason, however, everyone seems to think my relationship with Tim IS their business.

Sometimes I wonder what my friends say about me behind my back. When girlfriends catch me alone, the subject of Tim often comes up. It's happened recently with both Hula and C3. I wonder if they talk about it with each other first and then tag team me.

It's impossible to describe my feelings about Tim. I admit it's hazy some days. My writing reflects my confusion (I make only some attempt at logic and proper writing structure).

to be continued...