Friday, August 11, 2006

Am I being a coward?

My friend, TJ, loves going to watch Shakespeare. A couple times he has invited me as part of a group he tries to put together. Most of the time, I have been unable to attend due to other events.

Today, he sent out a new invite for the Labor Day weekend. It'd be fun to go except for one thing. This particular troop performs every year and is a staple of summer theatre. My ex-boyfriend, Ryan, has had a regular subscription to this event for years. Even though it's been three years since we broke up, I have no desire to run into him. I fear going for the chance I'll run into him.

The play runs for four weeks, two performances each Sunday. He might go a different Sunday, he might be at the other show. Should he attend the same performance, there is a very good chance of making contact with him because the venue holds probably only 200+ people. TJ and Ryan tend to prefer similar seating areas that are midway or towards the back. Looking at the schedule and knowing which subscription plan he probably purchased, I'm guessing he will not be attending Labor Day weekend.

Still, I can't help be concerned. Is it okay to still be so uncomfortable about Ryan? Will I ever be okay about it? At this moment, I'd rather go on another ambiguous "date" with KT than face Ryan. I know I did the right thing by leaving him, but I didn't want to. He was the one who said, "I don't think I want to marry you." I don't want to pretend to be alright and act polite if I see him. I want to kick him, scream at him, and key his car. These are all emotions I don't want to feel; it's scary enough just to think about them.

I hate this because I have the right to do whatever I want. I don't like that he still has influence over me. It's not fair. It makes me not want to share special places with people I date in the future. I don't want those taken away from me should things go bad.

I wish I could write TJ and tell him the truth about why I don't want to go rather than make him think I don't like Shakespeare.

1 comment:

Anonymous Writer said...

Are you being a coward? No, I honestly don't think so. It just doesn't make you comfortable to see Ryan. That's just how you feel.

I remember avoiding certain blocks of downtown Toronto because my ex worked there, for fear of running into him. And the couple of times I did (once, at the same restaurant where we were both on dates with other people!), it was like being...I dunno...stabbed in the gut or something. (Melodramatic, I know, but that's how I felt.) And I wish I was a better person, but I'm not. I mean, it just made me run through all the bad moments of our relationship and made me feel even worse about myself. Instead of remembering that he was the biggest asshole on the face of the earth and that, when things finally ended, I wanted to rip out his puny little heart and show it to him, I wound up feeling really shaken and actually cried myself to sleep. (How pathetic is that??)

So, my take on this is that, if it makes you feel really uncomfortable and you don't think you'd be able to enjoy watching Shakespeare, then don't go. Explain it to your friend so he knows you're not brushing him off.