Wednesday, August 02, 2006

More thinking about Tim

Lately, I've been rethinking my situation with Tim. Perhaps it's my age; perhaps it's the recent weddings; perhaps it's the questioning from my girlfriends; maybe it's my monthly hormone cycle. Whatever the reason, I've been casually revisiting the idea of us dating.

If we don't talk to each other for a couple days, we usually call each other. I can get fussy if I don't hear from him. I still have a message on my answering machine from last week when he called late saying he was calling because we hadn't not been able to chat for a few days and wanted to say hi. For two friends, I suppose this does sound unusual. (I've become a little dependent.)

As far as I know, Tim likes to spend time with me. Unless work deadlines are looming, it's not hard to give him a reason to hang out at my place. We usually watch something be it a recording of a tv show episode or a DVD movie. Now that I think about it, we never go anywhere unless it's with a group. Maybe we've gotten too comfortable.

Many people have commented about how well the two of us get along. I'd like to believe that, but sometimes I think it's just Tim. He could get along with anyone. He's a very laid back and happy guy. Why doesn't anyone realize how much at odds the two of us would be about spending money and disciplining kids? Day to day, we get along great, but in the back of our minds, I think we know there'd be some big differences with which to contend.

I don't like to get into all details with my friends. That doesn't seem fair to Tim since they seem him regularly. I also am not sure how much would get back to him that I'd prefer to tell him myself.

When people ask me what the issue is with not dating Tim, it comes down to one thing, not being physically attracted to him. He's cute and could be more fit in the gut if he stopped eating M&Ms every day. ;) I love holding his hand, giving him a hug, giving him a kiss on the check, and running my hands through his hair. It's all good, but it stops there. Even when we dated, the attraction was not a strong as I would have liked it to be. Chi once suggested that some people need time to develop a physical attraction. Wouldn't it have developed after two years?

I can look at anyone and say they good or bad looking, but that doesn't mean *I'm* attracted to them. I made the mistake of telling people I didn't like Tim because he's not Chinese and got a lot of criticism. What I meant is that I'm attracted to a certain Asian body type. That's my preference, it's not meant to be racist. It's probably one of those expectations that got instilled in me as a kids by my parents. Something that's hard to separate from my identity.

This is why I've been thinking about marriage lately. There are so many perspectives from which to assess marriage - practical, romantic, religious, financial, etc. Each analysis results in a different conclusion.

Am I missing out on a great guy because of a programmed preference that is seemingly mostly superficial? Romantically speaking, the attraction is lacking, but it's compensated by the thoughtful actions he takes to make me happy. His tenderness and attention is something I've rarely found in a man. Practically speaking, we get along. His patience is an important because of my single-mindedness. He corrects me in some of my bad habits, but in a gentle manner I can appreciate. My mini-eight ball says the prospects are good... .

On the other hand, his sense of humor is... different for me. His timing is not always the best, and I get annoyed with him. I also don't like how he sometimes avoids a more serious question with an answer that is flippant or joking. For whatever reason, I cannot accept his level of ambition. While he has a good job, I don't think he's respected. He's too nice and his voice is somewhat kid-like. I fear that we'd both get taken advantage in financial situations like bargaining or buying a house. I'm not that strong when it comes to negotiating skills and want someone who can look out for me.

Combining gut instinct with my level of confusion leads me to the conclusion that it's not worth renewing any pursuit of dating Tim. I just don't see it. There are times when I want to try despite my reservations, but why ruin a good friendship? This is when I question whether I want to try simply because I'm lonely and want to be with someone. He's close to the "right" person, and yet he's not quite it. I can't imagine finding anyone with whom I could feel as comfortable and content. But apparently I'm willing to trade that for something I think I want more - whatever that will be.

Sometimes I feel like fate is playing a mean trick. They gave me Ryan. He was perfect on the outside - Chinese, successful, boyish charm, handsome, intelligent, similar interests. Inside, he was somewhat pretentious, aloof, impatient, and unwilling/unable to reach out. In contrast, I met Tim. The outside never indicated compatibility to me, and yet he had all the heart I have wanted. What lesson am I supposed to learn here?

Even if I did pursue dating Tim again, there are some issues:

1) He wouldn't believe my sincerity.
2) He'd think I was settling for him because I want to get married.
3) He'd hold it over my head forever - conveyed through joking comments that would eventually upset me.

You can't blame him. He has every right to question my motives.


I got a little moody and affectionate the other night. While he was reading a news magazine on the floor, I sat on top of his back and wrapped my arms around him. I gave him a loving hug, peeked my head around his, and said, "hi," in the cutest way. I did this a couple times. Though he liked it, he ignored me and continued to read. I'm sure he was wondering what I was thinking. Later, while I was washing the dishes, he came over, stood behind me, and wrapped his arms around my waist, and held me close. I love that.

Then, we folded laundry and this conversation developed.

T: "Which dating sites is Chi using to meet people?"

P: "Why do you want to know? Planning to get on there yourself?"

T: "No, just curious. Is it Hrmny or Match?"

P: "I don't want to say. Is doesn't really matter"

T: "Sure it does. With Hrmny, you just sit back and wait for them to send you people. If you are on Match, then you have take all the extra time to sift through people and figure out whether you're interested in them."

P: "How about we go on a date?"

T: "What? No. You don't want to go on a date with me."

P: "Maybe I do."

T: "You already have. It didn't work out."

P: "Would you like to go on a date with me?"

T: [brief pause, he was probably wondering if I was joking around] "No, it wouldn't last. You don't want me."

P: "I just said I wanted to go on a date."

T: "It wouldn't last."

Granted, the conversation was more playful than serious. This was probably the first time I had really pushed the matter in a long time. I think he found it a little odd and wasn't sure what how to interpret my motives.

From my perspective, his stubborness makes me think he's serious. (Yes, there's a chance he's just saying what he thinks I need to hear.) I don't think there's any reason to think I should continue to consider the matter. I feel a little sad about it. This is where, however, I start overanalyzing myself. Am I sad because I really DO want to be with him? Or am I sad that I am no longer the center of his attention?

It's easy for me and my friends to question whether or not something will or should happen between Tim and I. The fact is, none of us know what Tim wants. A lot of time has passed. The emotions he had for me have been temptered by time and getting to know me better. (There's another thing I fear, men not liking me once they know me better.) My friends all think that he still loves me but doesn't want to admit it because of my feelings. However, my impression leans more towards what I said before, that Tim is no longer interested.

I'm so lost...


Megan said...

I really, really strongly believe that you can't make yourself be attracted to someone. If I could make myself feel attracted to some of the amazing men I know, I would already be married. You have to let yourself off the hook for that one, because it is just how people are. Unfortunately, you have to let men off the hook for that one, too, if they just aren't attracted to you.

Meowkaat said...

I dunno about that. I know alot of people who married guys they were so "into" physically and that faded pretty quickly within a couple of years of marrige. Now they belong to the Secret Widows club. (Women who secretly wish their husbands would die and yes, this club exists)Not to be pessimistic, but sitting on the side of the "marrieds", I don't see a whole lot of physical attraction in any marriage that has lasted longer than four or five years. I see comfort, security, friendship, and all of those are good, but the physical side just doesn't seem to last and if it does, there seems to be little else going on in the relationship. Just my opin.

Pandax said...

Secret Widows club? Ooo, that seems a bit creepy.

I agree the physical stuff shouldn't be important in the overall scheme of things. However, I think it's an important thing to have for at least a little while... and I would think it's doesn't hurt to enjoy each other when a couple is trying to create a baby. ;)