Tuesday, April 03, 2007

That time of year

For most people, this is a time of new beginnings. Spring has arrived, it's getting warmer, lighter, and all the blossoms are blooming. At any given moment, it's just wonderful being outdoors (most of the time).

That would be totally true for me except for one thing - my birthday is next week. Whether I try to enjoy it or try to ignore it, it ends up making my life miserable. Sometime I don't know that it's even necessarily my birthday. For whatever reason, the weeks before end up being annoying and emotionally unstable.

While everyone else has their birthdays planned by others (i.e. a significant other, roommate, or best friend), no one really remembers mine until the last minute. Sadly, I don't recall a single year in my life that I've had a boyfriend plan a group event for my birthday. I feel so invisible. For that reason, I tend to avoid making a big deal of mine. It's easier than face disappointment. Each year that I've tried to plan something for myself - say a dinner or a casual get together for games, it ends up stressing me out.

The same has happened this year. At first, I thought I'd just ignore that damn day. But then I thought I'd just make it into an excuse to have a nice dinner. No mention of the word "birthday" and I have every intend of paying for myself. As it turns out, the stress of deciding who to invite and who would come just made me disappointed, nervous, and anxious.

Now, a couple girlfriends want to arrange a girls' day out to mark my birthday. It's a really sweet gesture. They asked if there's anything in particular I'd like to do. Honestly, I can't think of a darn thing. I want them to have fun, and I know I eventually would. [sigh] The thing is the idea of spending my day with all my married girlfriends feels incredibly depressing to me.

As much as I value my close friends, it becomes more painful every year to be the outsider. It's more noticeable because there are no other single gals in my immediate circle of friends and more people are starting families. Naturally, when we get together, they compare notes about couple things whether it be deciding on a paint color or who's husband spends more time talking about politics. I just clam up. What could I possibly contribute to the conversation? It's that or they turn the conversation on me and ask whether I'm dating, why I'm not, or why Tim and I are still just friends. It's exhausting.

If they manage to plan something, I'll go along with it. I just pray that I can be positive and enjoy myself.

3 comments:

eugie said...

Happy Early Birthday!!!

Anna May Won't said...

this has been on my mind too since my bday is in a couple of weeks.

when i was married, i didn't think about my bday b/c at least i knew my husband would take me out. these last couple of years, i've had friends take me out *around* my bday - before and after - but inevitably the day would come and i'd have no plans. and i was too ashamed to admit it!

last year, i actually went out of my way to plan a "me day" for my bday. had fun with my gal pals the weekend before, celebrated with my parents the weekend after, but on the actual day, i got a long-noodle dinner on my own and had some peaceful time to myself. it's a way of avoiding disappointment if nothing pans out, but it's also a way of taking control of the situation and turning it into something positive.

in fact, i think that's what i'm gonna do this year.

happy early birthday, sweetheart! i'd say try to positive but i know it's hard to when you're feeling down.

Pandax said...

Thanks for the birthday thoughts. I plan to take the day off from work, so that's my treat to myself.