Monday, July 26, 2004

Another full weekend

I had an absolutely empty weekend once I got back from my business trip. I was happy to catch an earlier flight and arrive home around 7:30pm. I called Tim just before getting home to tell him to come over. We always kind of play coy with each other about whether we'll spend the night together. This was the third weekend in a row.

After he arrived we went to have Indian food. Tasting tikka masala earlier in the week had left me yearning for the taste of the yummy sauce with naan. Tim ordered the pamb with spinach. I always thought that was referred to as saag, but it was listed differently depending on whether you ordered chicken or lamb. He paid for dinner though I offered some cash. For dessert I offered to treat him to gelato across the street.

After dinner we had a simple evening of watching the tv "Sex and the City" episodes that he recorded off TBS. Watching the show always brings up questions, mostly things I don't want to talk about. As much as I appreciate the openness and honesty of our relationship, sometimes it can get me in trouble.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Kindest Call

Tan called last night just as I was heading out the door. He went on about visiting a friend while on his business trip. I do like talking with him. We seem to get along well in that respect. I have to admit writing him on Monday was a difficult choice because I'm still not completely sure.

I wasn't sure where to interrupt him. I wanted to chat more but was already running late. I apologized and told him that I couldn't stay on the phone long. He moved to the point of telling me that he received my e-mail. He thanked me for being honest and was incredibly understanding. Once again I commented that I'm just not very good at dating. His response was, "none of us are."

He bought me a small gift while he was gone. Yes, I felt like a heel. He wants to still meet up "as friends" sometime so that he can give it to me. I told him I would definitely like that thought it may be awhile considering I have two weeks of travel coming up soon. He suggested I give him a call next time to set up something.

Gosh, why does this all have to get so complicated. I can't tell him about Tim. That would really make him feel bad. I think I just have a hard time being myself in these dating situations. I don't feel like I've necessarily been myself with him and I worry that his impression of me is not accurate. Perhaps taking the pressure out of getting to know each other will be better. We'll see if we actually hang out much from here.

Monday, July 19, 2004

Down to one

It was probably a rash decision, but considering how little I've thought about him over the past week and how much time I've been spending with someone else, I figured an e-mail was in order. People have told me to not rush into any decision and not feel pressured. I can't help it, I'm not the type of person to have my attentions spread all over the place. It seems like all my female friends are torn about the people they are dating. Can't any of us be completely happy?

So I wrote Tan this morning. I think he's back from his business trip. I was very honest, I really didn't even close it off completely. I didn't know exactly what to say. Part of me wonders if things would develop with more time together. Am I being patient enough? Did I give this enough time? We'll see if he bothers to write or call.

"Hi Tan,

Hope you had a good trip to Asia. Thanks for the links. The Verizon event looked interesting though I guess it's hard to participate if you don't have a camera phone. It would have been intersting to watch people randomly running through the city.

I've been thinking a bit this past week and need to let you know that I'm not sure that there's enough chemistry to continue dating. I enjoy hanging out with you and think we get along well. It could be that I'm just not very good at dating. I believe in trying to be honest with people about these things because I know we're all trying to find that special person.

Take care,"

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Cooking weekend

Tim spent almost 48 hours with me this weekend. Other than a few hours when I focused on cooking and he went to play ultimate, we were no more than a few feet away from each other.

It started Friday night after I got back from dinner with a friend. He was just hanging out at home and came over when I called. I suggested he pack something to stay the night. Am I too forward and not playing hard enough to get? He teases about it, but I know that he's happy to get to stay with me. Nothing happened; he's been very well-behaved in that department. I was tired and wanted to get up early to go to the farmers' market and start preparing food for my Sunday lunch. We kissed and cuddled before falling asleep.

In the morning, it was tortured to wake up. We lingered an hour longer in bed than I had originally wanted. We did play around for awhile. He used his fingers to arouse me. I love the attention and genuine desire he has to understand me.

The farmers' market was fun. All the produce looks so scrumptious and plentiful. I picked up everything I needed fairly quickly. It gave us time to prepare a few things like the gazpacho before it was time to head out for my company picnic.

Monday, July 12, 2004


I saw Tim all but six hours on Sunday. First I stopped by his place late after being out with friends all day Saturday. I knew he might be asleep but decided to check around 1am. Turns out he was just about to go to bed when I knocked. We ended up kissing and talking until 4am.

It was painful waking up at 9:30am. He sounded so chipper in comparison when I called him. It is very nice to see him at my door when he comes over. We sat around talking as we waited for the delivery to arrive.

The bed took longer than expected to arrive. The guy bringing it had forgotten a few pieces and had to drive back home to get them. They were a very nice couple I bought the bed from, so I was very patient and understanding about the whole process. I was very happy when he arrived to see that he had made some effort to protect the wood from getting dented and scratched by covering everything with blankets and cardboard.

The gentleman had brought his 1.5 year-old son along. He was a sweet little boy named Zachary, who was wide awake, not shy but quiet. He was allowed to walk around on his own as the guys unloaded the truck. Zach was good about staying close to the car and was content playing with the plant leave and looking at the rocks in the yard.

After moving all the pieces up to my room, we head over to the Creamery for brunch. Tim has suggested this last week. It's becoming difficult to know when we're on a date because it's become rather informal. Nothing wrong with that, but I wouldn't mind another opportunity to get dressed up and go out.

Since we arrived towards the end of the lunch hour, the wait wasn't bad at all. While we waited, I took a look at all the pies on display. They had a nice variety but the prices were a bit higher than I expected. It was more than a dollar higher that the price at Apple's in EB.

I remember having a discussion with him about coconut as we waited for someone to take our order. The brioche french toast sounded really good, but when Tim said he was thinking about ordering the Caribbean french toast, I changed my order to the Belgian waffle so we could share. When he found out that the Caribbean part refers to adding shredded coconut to the toast, he went with the regular french toast. It was funny that we had just talked about it.

He ended up spending all day with me. In the afternoon we assembled the bed.

Curious response

I realize rejection is no fun, but etiquette these days is so lacking with technology such as e-mail. I'm not the greatest at tact but I think it's important to be honest with people. I have to say I'm rather annoyed with an e-mail I received today.


I had a fine week, thanks.

I agree with everything you say. I don't think there's
enough chemistry either. I wasn't planning to ask you
out again anyway, so your message surprised me because
it presupposed I would.

Good luck to you!


There are two things that bother me about his response:

1) He clearly implied that he had future meeting in mind when I exited his car on our last date.

2) So he was just going to not contact me again rather than be polite and say I'm not interested? The "anyway" comment makes me think he's hurt or being defensive with me.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

In his court

TJ joined us for dinner on Saturday night. Friends were asking me about my dating prospects. As I worked through my list of potential candidates and how I have eliminated some, I felt compelled to indicate my disappointment not to hear from GF. TJ informed me that GF recently asked him if he had talked with me. GF's response was that he had written me but not received a response.

I was disappointed and frustrated to hear that. He wrote me back on July 2nd. You'd think he could take some initiative and write me to ask for a date! Duh, you don't have to wait for the girl to write back. I have written him two fairly clear e-mails hinting that I was available for a date. Neither time has he made any effort to actually try and set a time with me. I don't understand and am unwilling to continue being the one to try and initiate something. As independent and modern as I am, I still would appreciate a guy who will make the effort to properly ask a girl out (at least for the first few dates).

Well, I'm not going to write him. It's really too bad because of all the speed dating guys I've met, I really wanted to get to know GF. I found him attractive and likeable. But if this lack of motivation and assertiveness is reflective of his overall personality, then it wouldn't work anyhow. That's one of the reason my last boyfriend made me unhappy; I don't need to repeat that.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Fahrenheit Thursday

I was surprised to receive a call from Tan on Monday. It was a brief call as it was getting late and I had plenty of house stuff to take care of. He called to see if I wanted to meet up for a movie during the week. He suggested seeing "Fahrenheit 9/11." I said my Thursday would be the only available day. Turns out for him that Tues. and Thurs. are the two days he'll be working in the neighborhood. So the plan is to pick up some burritos and go to the movies.


He was waiting for me by the fountain. I was on the phone coordinating plans for Friday night when I walked up to him. We hugged and then hopped into his car to go pick up burritos from La Costena. He told me had watched "Amazing Race" the night before to see what it was about. It sounded like he found it interesting although I guess he hadn't heard of it until I mentioned it. As we got out of the car he said, "As a way to get to know you, how would you act in this situation?" He was asking how I would approach being a contestant on the show. I said I would pretty much take charge. But I buffered my response reminding him that it really depends on the situation because obviously if my teammate was familiar with that city, I would delegate decisions to them.

He also commented about my positive attitude. He asked if I am generally an optimistic and upbeat person. I hesistated to answer that. I suppose it's a good thing that these days everyone notices my positive attitude but I know all too well that my mood can change. I told him that generally it was true but that everyone has their bad days. It's interesting how attractive a positive attitude can be to men.

On our way back to the theatre we talked about music. He recently cancelled his satellite radio subscription but swears by it. I mentioned that I'm going to see Sarah Mclachlan. He has a few of her albums and recalled seeing her at the Bridge concert several years ago.

We ate our burritos on a bench by the fountain rather than inside the theatre. It was such a tasty meal. I felt stuffed after getting through about 3/5 of mine. Somehow I ate faster than him, maybe it's an indication of how much more he was talking. He told me about setting priorities in his life. His cousin just got engaged and it will likely force him to reschedule his planned Hawaii golf outing in October. She got engaged after 8 months of dating and plans to get married in three. What's the rush?

Related to setting priorities, he told me story about being in b-school back in 1994 when he lost a high school friend to drugs. Instead of being a pallbearer at the funeral, however, he showed up at his summer Motorola internship. At the time he was more concerned about making a good impression during his first few work days than saying goodbye to an old friend. He regrets it now and says he would not do it again for a job.

He also briefly talked about cars. He seems fixated on the idea of buying a Subaru Outback as he mentioned it during our last date too. Nothing wrong with that, believe me, I love those cars. When he asked a friend if he could picture him in the car, his friend poo-pooed it as a family car that he didn't need. He likes the car because of the cargo room and the stability of all-wheel drive. When I asked him how often he travels to places such as Tahoe, he said he only made it up there once last winter. I thought it didn't make much sense to get the AWD if you don't use it. It appeals to him purely from a stability and safety standpoint. It has nothing to do with needing it. While I can see him point, I don't necessarily think is adds that much.

Maybe I'm looking for problems, but sometime I feel like he's just saying things to make himself sound good. Mentioning the car, how he is responsible with money, just other little things that get emphasized that seem out of the ordinary. I probably am just imagining things. You know how hard I'm trying not to commit to any of the men I'm dating. This is a big hang up I need to get past.

The movie theatre was decently full when we finally went in. We waited until 15 minutes before the start because he didn't think it'd be that busy. He did remember my preference for 2/3 back in the center. We ended up a little further back, but the seats were still good. We ended up in this couple-like seat. I have to admit I was a little concerned about him potentially making a move on me. But as fate would have it, a pair of people walked in late and asked us to move over one seat so they could sit. By shifting over one seat we ended up separated by a spacing between the seating segments. Two permanent arm rests separated us.

Occasionally during the movie we'd turn and look at each other during a funny moment. Once or twice I leaned over to make a comment or ask a question. The movie was good thought obviously slanted. It made me wonder what the other side has to say in terms of rebuttals. It makes me question the truth and how you can trust anyone in government when it comes to money and power.

As we walked to the car, Tan kept running into me. I was walking a straight line towards where the car was parked. He tended to walk with a slight veer to the left which cause him to bump me a couple times. It turns out that he must hop onto a plane on Saturday to Singapore for work. He will also stay there a couple days to catch up with family.

Overall, it felt about the same as last time. I can't say my affection has grown. I enjoy talking with him, but something still seems out of place and I can't describe it. It may simply be that I'm too involved already with someone else to make room in my heart.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Another one bites the dust

There's a fellow I've been writing off and on since we met at a speed dating event back in April. We've never managed to meet up. The first couple times it was me being too tired and busy with moving. The last two times, he's picked dates that I already had other engagements. I feel bad, but honestly I can't remember him anymore so it doesn't give me much inspiration to put in any effort to make time. So today, I just decided to write this opportunity off.

"I'm actually taking a friend out for an all-day birthday outing.

It would be really nice to meet up with you, but frankly the timing just doesn't seem to be working out. I have been seeing some others and I think it's going to be really difficult at this point to play catch up. Perhaps sometime in the future we'll run into each other."

He was really nice about it. I got an e-mail back from him wishing me well with the other guys. I appreciate the reponse. People like him are the guys I'd like to get to know better. It's just too bad the timing has been so off.

Bye to the older guy

I've been sitting on the idea for days now. My friend definitely felt that I should move on since I'm still not that crazy about his age. He's a decent guy but I just feel like life would be a little boring.

So this morning I wrote him an e-mail:

"Hope you had a fun weekend and have a found a good way
to enjoy your week off.

Thanks again for dinner and hanging out at the movie
last week. I have enjoyed getting to know you. After
thinking about it some more, however, I don't feel
like there's enough chemistry to continue dating. I'm
sure you would agree that finding the right person is
important, and I don't want to waste your time."

I wanted to be as nice as possible about it. He really is a very smart and well-mannered person. I'm sure somewhere in there is a fun and funny person. I just wasn't interested enough to try and draw our more of his personality.

Monday, July 05, 2004

4th with family

Tim invited me to spend the 4th with him. His brother, Ar, drove up from LA to visit. We met them for sushi in PA. His brother is four years younger and has a new girlfriend. This would be the first time Tim would get to meet her.

Ar is definitely different from Tim. The two of them sat across the table from me and Sy. I took a good look at them. Ar has a younger face. I think Tim's outdoor exposure and experiences have aged him a little. They do look somewhat related but not a lot I think. His brother is an LA type who would never appeal to me. His hair was gelled to spike a bit and he had silver rings on his left thumb and pointer finger. It looked odd and not at all to my liking. Still, he seemed like a good guy.

In the afternoon, Tim came home with me. He helped me clean, volunteering to scrub my kitchen floor while I worked on the guest bathroom. When you think about it, it's really amazing the things he'll do for me. How many men do I know who'll do help me with cleaning just to spend time with me. I would definitely never imagine my last boyfriend offering a finger to help. Don't know if that's a good or bad thing. When I say that I mean that I don't want him changing or not being himself just to make me happy. Would he really be like this when/if we're living together?

We met back up with Ar and Sy in the evening. We drove up to their mom's house in order to watch the fireworks. His mom seemed very pleasant. She's a bit into the health food craze and new age things. Her home is quiet lovely and soothing. It was very funny watching the two of them interact as we waited for Ar. Tim helped put together some photos to give her an idea of what her relandscaped front yard could look like. Just the simplest image was very exciting for her.

We walked down to the park to claim a good space for the fireworks. We were all stocked up with fruit, cheese, and snacks to eat while we waited. Ar and Sy kind of did their own thing and we sat together talking or playing cards. There was some great live music at the amphitheatre. I was really bummed there was no around to swing dance with. Tim could see that I was very much into the music and he felt bad that he couldn't dance with me. I hope it persuades him to take a lesson or two.

I haven't watched fireworks on the 4th in several years. It was really nice to just sit back and relax under the stars. The show was short, maybe 20 minutes, but it was cool. We all really liked the one firework where a smiley face appeared. They've come up with some great designs in the past twenty years.

When we came back to the house, his mom seemed to be all ready to go to bed. We talked a little about music and dancing. His mom's boyfriend put on some of his music and we started dancing around the kitchen. I demonstrated my knowledge of swing and salsa to everyone. People started trying to dance. His mom actually went and changed so that she could dance with us. I think Tim got a kick out of seeing me happily dancing around and knowing that his mom liked me. She gave me a hug when we left.

Sunday, July 04, 2004

El Corte

With about seven hours of sleep under my belt I woke to prepare for a hiking date with Tan. It seems funny to hang out with someone in casual, sport clothing. I don't necessarily look all that attractive in my outdoor gear but I'm not going to dress in anything impractical.

Tan always seem to ask if he can pick me up. The plan was to go hiking in Woodside and then have a late lunch in Half Moon Bay. I suggested we meet up at Hillsdale Mall around 10am. That way I could do a little shopping early and run errands afterwards. I was expecting the date to go for about 4 or 5 hours.

I left home around 9am and managed to shop for about 30 minutes at Macy's. I definitely wanted to go back and look through the kitchen section for deals later. I headed over to Starbucks just after 10am and sat outside with a vanilla latte. Tan pulled up in his silver Acura TL minutes later. He looked much better in casual clothing. Maybe it just seemed better because I wasn't wearing heels.

We drove up to Skyline and parked across the street from the start of the trail. The hike was easier than either of us expected. In fact, we finished in just over an hour whereas I think we both had the impression it would last 2-3 hours.

The conversation flowed well. His habit of adding my name into conversation still bugs me. Sh said I should tell him that next time. We talked about various things. Real estate is obviously an easy topic since both of us purchased recently. He really got tired of all the hunting. The market is a tough and tricky area to navigate. We also talked a little about movies and then about shopping. I felt like he asked more questions. I just didn't know what to ask or was not as curious.

We spent some time talking about pet peeves. It was obvious from my statement about SUVs that I had very decided opinions about things. He seemed intrigued and pushed me to share more. We touched upon pets for a spell. I think he intends to get a dog someday. Like most guys, the thought of some wimpy dog does not appeal to him. I, on the other hand, do not want a large dog. Generally it was all small talk about regular things. At some point it would probably be good to get into more serious talks to determine where are common interests lie and where we could potentially disagree.

After the hike, we drove down to HMB for a late lunch. On the drive down the hill, he promised that our future hikes would be more interesting and longer. He referred to future planning several times. I guess that's his way of making it clear he's interested and wants to see me more. I am really learning that I suck at dating, I wish I had learned earlier in my life.

HMB was a little overcast but nice. First, we simply wandered the streets to see what restaurants we had to choose from. We also did a little window shopping, stopping in a furniture store and the local grocery/general store. I think out tastes and spending preferences would be an okay match. I still think he'd probably be a little more extravagant than I am, but we'd be fine.

We walked past a place called "2 Fools" and Tan couldn't resist the smell of the oil and the onion rings on the menu. We ended up ordering the same plate, a mix of fried seafood. The only difference is that one plate had fries and the other came with onion rings. These rings were the thin-cut, string type rather than the thick-cut rings that I like. It was a good meal. We talked about credit cards for awhile. I found it strange that he has a United Mileage card since he accrues so many mileage points just from flying. He told me that he cancelled his REI card on principal after they refused to waive his late fees. It sounds reasonable, but we he explained that he'd asked several times before when he had paid his balance off in full but two days late. Well, from my perspective, what he did was annoying and I can't say that I agree with his attitude. Perhaps I'm not pushy enough in life, but if you pay late, that's your fault and you can't keep expecting other people to make exceptions for you. I won't get ahead in life being that fair, but that's how I operate. Sometimes I think I need someone who will be this pushy to take of me and teach me to get what I want.

It was around 3pm when we finished lunch. I was ready to go home. Tan is a good guy. Like other dates, I find that men grow on me with time. Of course, in his case, I've felt like we had a good connection from the beginning. I'm finding it a challenge to know how to get more personal with people. I don't know how to ease into serious discussion that reveal people's values and ideals.

Dinner Art Deco

Tim called a little before 1pm to see if I was ready. I had to admit I'd fallen behind and was in the middle of putting my makeup on. He gave me another 30 minutes and admitted that he could use the time to shave. I was going to get to see him without facial hair.

So around 1:20pm my doorbell rang. My handsome guy stood there at the door dressed in a nice brown shirt and khakis. We hugged and kissed. Then he said he had something for me. I hadn't even realized that he had kept one hand behind his back until he said that. He gave me one, long-stemmed, red rose. He liked my red dress. I was very happy to be going on a date.

It was a beautiful day to be going to the city. I can't remember what we talked about in the car. I played navigator as we drove through GG Park. The Legion of Honor is in a great location because it's surrounded by a golf course yet near the Richmond's local restaurants. We passed El Mansour and Tim said that's where they took Jy for her birthday. I noted that it couldn't have been this year since that was at Buca. He thought I was wrong at first but then retracted his claim once he thought about the timing.

The museum area was incredibly crowded for a Friday. Obviously we weren't the only ones to try and go to the city. We ended up parking quite a ways down the street. It would have been nice except for my slightly impractical shoes.

While there were many cars, the museum was relatively mild. There was no line at the ticket counter thought there was definitely a good crowd inside. Overall the exhibit was so-so. As is often the case, there were several pieces that were interesting, but the exhibit overall was not as impressive. In many cases it felt like they tried to fill in the gaps using pieces from their own collection that were only remotely related to art deco. Also, I think they failed to show a lot of significant artists from the period including Erte.

Halfway through, I was feeling a bit hungry. In my morning wanderings, I had neglected to eat lunch. So we took a break and shared a bowl of zucchini mint soup at the cafe. It was a little chilly but sitting outside on the patio was very nice. I feel very comfortable with Tim. He's a handsome and sweet man. I still can't help ask myself if I like him just because he's so into me. It seems so ironic that I'm scared to fall in love with him because I expect him to leave me someday. I know it's terrible to think this way, but I can't help be jaded and apprehensive considering all the difficult relationships I've been through.

We did the second half of the exhibit after our snack. We tended to stay together as we moved through the pieces, though occasionally I'd skip a step and move on because of the crowds. I thought it was fine. We also took a look at a few of the galleries in the museum's regular collection. Unfortunately, the impressionist art was removed for the special exhibit. Most of the art remaining on display was not really my style. Time seems to be most interested in modern art like Miro. I like some modern but I told him that impressionist art is my favorite given my years learning French.

One of the other interesting events happening was an opportunity to listen to John Santos play his latin jazz. The crowds were already forming in the cafe. We debated going as I was originally interested. But honestly, my feet were tired and I wasn't sure that we'd find any seating. It was interesting to see all the older folks entering the museum dressed in 1920s and 1930s outfits.

Because my feet weren't in great shape, Tim fetched the car and picked me up. Originally he had planned to take me to Slanted Door, but the restaurant was full. Instead, he made reservations at the Baker Street Cafe. It's a little place in Cow Hollow. The original reservation was for 8pm, but fortunately we were there early enough, 6:30pm, they had a table for us.

For other reasons it was actually good timing. Just as we left the Legion of Honor, I had a light headache and an ache in my abdomen. I realized that it was a warning that my period was about to start. Tim was hoping that we could fool around a bit that night. There was no way for me to know when it would actually start but I implied that it was likely to be soon given that I usually don't feel cramps until after I've started. Sure enough, as soon as we sat down at the dinner table, I felt a drip. I immediately ran to the restroom to find a large spot of red. Oh well.

The dinner menu was surprisingly reasonable. Their prix fixe was only $14.50. I have to admit it made me feel a little better since I knew Tim would be paying. I like going out, and I like that he wants to pay, but I feel a little bad knowing that he's spending all this money when he doesn't have any income. It's strange going out with someone who is unemployed. It's not real life and I worry what other issues will come up when he starts working again. I'm a little spoiled right now because he can make time for me.

The conversation was still good though I felt it a little slower than usual. The time just seems to fly by. There are times I really feel like I don't know what I'm doing.

When we returned to my place, we sat on the couch at first. Since it's a small loveseat, it doesn't make for a great place to cuddle and make out. I took him upstairs to the study where there a futon we can lay on. We kissed and talked for hours. I finally had to make him go home at 1am.

I feel very in tune with him physically. I enjoy kissing him and being next to him. He is enjoying exploring my body and discovering what turns me on. It's so much fun. I think it was good that I started my period. As much as I want him, it's not time yet to get that intimate. I think we need to talk more and learn about each other.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Exploring my fears

After watching "Spiderman II" I stopped by Tim's place. I had intended to just stop for an hour to cuddle and kiss though I definitely had issues on my mind. His place was roasting hot when he opened the door. He was dressed in a t-shirt and jersey shorts.

There were things I had wanted to discuss with him Wednesday night, but I wanted to just enjoy seeing him and not have to get into any serious talk. However, I did want to bring it up this night because I want him to understand where I'm coming from.

My memory of the night is fading fast. I prefaced what I told him by reminding him that what I say is more meant to just give him an idea of what's going on in my head. There's nothing he can say or do to change things, it's just a matter of me getting to know him and overcoming my internal fears and concerns.

There's no way I could possibly explain all the little things that go on in my head. I think I've done a good job of expressing many of them through our discussions. The one I chose to tell him about was my fear that eventually, after the initial thrill fades, will be that he'll see my flaws and generally get bored being with me. I can't help it, it's one of my biggest fears because I've been the one dumped in the past. It wears on my self-confidence. He's so enamored with me right now. It's wonderful to feel like the center of someone's world, but it can't possibly last. My heart hurts just thinking that I might have to suffer through all the pain again.

I don't know that he understands no matter how much I try to explain. He asked me to try and described to him why the other guys didn't want me. I was unwilling to get into that. I figure if he doesn't see it, then it's not something to be concern with. I don't want him looking for it. He's never had his heart broken nor do I think he's ever been in a truly serious relationship. How can he understand why I and others like me tend to tread more carefully into these situations?

At one point he even said that he asked himself, "Why is she single?" I couldn't tell him how much I ask that question of myself. It's a very upsetting thing to think about and I'm not sure if he could tell that by my reaction. I never wanted to be single this long. Why else would I would be so sensitive about getting dumped.

His apartment

I've been joking with Tim for weeks about wanting to see his place. Wednesday night, I got to visit him after coming home from a business trip. He procrastinated all week about cleaning and warned me that it was not ready but that I was still welcome to come over. He had told me before that my place is much more comfortable - I didn't understand how much so until now.

As I approached the door to his apartment, all I knew was that it was a small, one-bedroom apartment with hardwood floors. As I pushed the ajar door open, I could see him fiddling with some gadget in his bathroom. We gave each other a hug and kiss. It was nice to see him after almost two weeks apart.

Okay, yes, his apartment is rather frightening to me. Every potential open space is covered with something. I'm talking about the desk, the dining table, the coffee table... . Even the floor is covered with stacks of miscellaneous items. I have to say it's the nightmare you hear about it terms of guys, but I've been fortunate up to this point to have never run into it. All the men that I've known well, loves and friends, have been much cleaner.

I couldn't help be a little disappointed. I'm not one to hide my expressions - good or bad. I was clearly frustrated with his place. He took it well. I think I asked a lot of "what's" and "why's." I had thought my storage room for a bedroom the past year was totally embarrassing and unacceptable - Tim beat me by a mile. The dirt and particles were clearly visible to me on the floor. I couldn't help ask if he's concerned about attracting bugs.

For someone who spends more time at home than the average person (due to his unemployment) you'd think it would be more organized. The piles of obviously unused things was probably most troubling to me. Granted I probably have plenty of unused items laying around, but at least I put them away. The pile of computer products not only lays in the corner of the room in unorganized piles, it has collected a layer of dust over the years. I imagine when he moves, he'll have little to actually put in storage because he can toss so much of it.

When I sat down on his futon, I wanted to rest my hand on the armrest. The armrest has little bits of crumbs and dust. While Tim was in the kitchen, I brushed all the dirt off the armrest onto the floor is disgust. Underneath the legs of the futon, you could see where he had tried to wipe up the dirt but still missed a considerable section. I felt an overwhelming desire to find a vacuum and start cleaning.

How am I supposed to deal with this?

We had a nice time together. We talked a bit, caught up with what each other has been doing. There's just something nicely comfortable about being with him.