Saturday, July 03, 2004

Exploring my fears

After watching "Spiderman II" I stopped by Tim's place. I had intended to just stop for an hour to cuddle and kiss though I definitely had issues on my mind. His place was roasting hot when he opened the door. He was dressed in a t-shirt and jersey shorts.

There were things I had wanted to discuss with him Wednesday night, but I wanted to just enjoy seeing him and not have to get into any serious talk. However, I did want to bring it up this night because I want him to understand where I'm coming from.

My memory of the night is fading fast. I prefaced what I told him by reminding him that what I say is more meant to just give him an idea of what's going on in my head. There's nothing he can say or do to change things, it's just a matter of me getting to know him and overcoming my internal fears and concerns.

There's no way I could possibly explain all the little things that go on in my head. I think I've done a good job of expressing many of them through our discussions. The one I chose to tell him about was my fear that eventually, after the initial thrill fades, will be that he'll see my flaws and generally get bored being with me. I can't help it, it's one of my biggest fears because I've been the one dumped in the past. It wears on my self-confidence. He's so enamored with me right now. It's wonderful to feel like the center of someone's world, but it can't possibly last. My heart hurts just thinking that I might have to suffer through all the pain again.

I don't know that he understands no matter how much I try to explain. He asked me to try and described to him why the other guys didn't want me. I was unwilling to get into that. I figure if he doesn't see it, then it's not something to be concern with. I don't want him looking for it. He's never had his heart broken nor do I think he's ever been in a truly serious relationship. How can he understand why I and others like me tend to tread more carefully into these situations?

At one point he even said that he asked himself, "Why is she single?" I couldn't tell him how much I ask that question of myself. It's a very upsetting thing to think about and I'm not sure if he could tell that by my reaction. I never wanted to be single this long. Why else would I would be so sensitive about getting dumped.

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