As I have noted before, it seems the 2007 baby challenge is growing. I received a holiday card from a college friend of mine. Let's call him Professor. I met him during a summer serving as campus counselors. He is two years older than me.
We made for good friends and naturally others in the group thought we were a pair. Eventually, he revealed to me that he was interested in dating me. At the time, however, I was interested in someone else. Honestly, although he was a good guy, I can't say that I would have wanted to date him. (On the other hand, my mother was very keen on this guy being that he was Chinese and incredibly intelligent.) One of the other reasons I didn't see him as boyfriend material was because he had mentioned that he did not want to have children.
After college we kept in touch. He dated a woman, HK, for some four years. At one point, he proposed, but she turned him down. He kept the ring in a safety deposit box. The following year, they got married. That was 2001.
I saw them once or twice. I don't remember much about her. While I never directly asked him about their plans, I never got the impression he had changed his mind about having a family. They seemed quite content living their lives, sleeping in on weekends, and traveling occasionally. He promised to invite me over to their place for dinner sometime but never did.
Yesterday I received their annual card. He's always incredibly prompt with his cards. I get it the week after Thanksgiving every year. So it was strange it came a week later this time. Inside was a typed letter rather than the couple of handwritten sentences of past cards. The stationary was cute and included thumbnail photos next to the text.
In one picture, there's a picture of them, HK with a chubby tummy area. I knew immediately that they must be expecting. It explains the stomach and the delayed of the usually early card.
Being my pessimistic and cynical self, I can't help wonder why the change. What in their lives caused this sudden change? Is it because next year is a lucky year to have children? After five years of marriage did they realize they need something fulfilling? Was HK feeling the guilt of approaching 40 and felt this was her last chance? Family pressure?Was it an accident they decided to keep?
I genuinely hope they are excited about this baby. I know they will be good parents. I'll have to meet up with him for lunch or dinner soon and get the whole scoop.
In my current situation, I'm naturally jealous. I seem to harbor a resentment towards anyone who contradicts what I understand or expect of them, especially when it means achieving something I haven't. I hate that in this world there are people who have what I want but don't necessarily want it like I do or have tried so hard to get it. Life's unfair, I know, I just keep wondering if it'll EVER be my turn.
When Tim came over the other night, he saw the packages I'm preparing to send out for the holidays. I also have a jewelry craft toy I plan to donate. He hugged me and told me how sweet and thoughtful I am to send gifts to my cousin's family, my pregnant friend, and my brother and sister-in-law. All I could do was sniffle and reply, "that's because I have no one of my own."
3 comments:
not sure why you equate having a child as an "achievement". like some certificate or competition to be won. it seems like you're comparing yourself to everyone else out there and i doubt that's fair to them or you. a child will not make you instantly happy nor will it make you complete. in my opinion, you should stop being so down on yourself for your imagined failures.
While I never actually used the noun "achievement" in my posting, perhaps I should be reading a vocabulary book to choose better words to describe my feelings.
Making comparisons is something everyone does on some level, good or bad. In this case, you may be right that it's not healthy for me, however, it's difficult to ignore when people constantly ask about my dating life, talk about their own relationships, and sometimes speculate about my future life. The expectation is there, like it or not. The reminders happen to be particularly obvious this time of year. This was a thought in passing not something I've dwelled on for hours or days. I do take your words as a good reminder that it would be a good habit to break.
I've never said that I would expect a child to be a magic pill of happiness. There are certainly misguided people who have children based on that line of thinking. Please don't belittle my dream. I acknowledge the challenges involved and the commitment required to raise another human being. It's something I want because it is one of the aspects of life I believe one should experience. It's frustrating knowing that choice will be taken away from me in time.
Keep in mind what is written in this blog is only part of me. I don't sit around all day complaining and bemoaning my life. I know I have a good life, but we can always be better people (and I'm not talking about driving a Mercedes or being famous).
there are many couples that decide much later that they want children, and it doesn't mean that it was an accident or they weren't fulfilled in their marriage. situations change, people change and it seems presumptuous to think that they don't want it as much as you. i don't think anyone would belittle your dream (or anyone's dream) of wanting children, but you do seem to post about it quite a lot, more than just a passing thought.
maybe try not to think that life is taking this choice away from you, maybe think about what you can do to get to where you want to be. if time is limited, are you out there dating and meeting men as much as you can?
Post a Comment