Monday, September 04, 2006

Speaking when I'm tired

Over the weekend, my friends organized a games night. Tim and I agreed to carpool over to Hula and Drummer's house.

I had spent the morning blogging and watching the U.S. Open. (So heart breaking to see Agassi lose and then give that wonderful thank you to the fans for all the years of support.) I was reading about someone who had created a new anonymous blog to satisfy a desire to talk about personal issues without friends knowing.

When Tim picked me up, he asked how my day had been. I mentioned blogging, and he asked:

"Do you ever write mean things about me in there?"

"No, of course not. I always have nice things to say."

He seemed content with the answer. I tempted fate by continuing the conversation and asked if he would tell me if he was reading my blog. He said "yes."

I believe him when he says he hasn't read it. He knows the title of the blog; I think I had it on my computer screen when he came over once. We were silent for a moment in the car as he turned left at the light. That's when I asked, "Do you want to know what I have written in my blog about you?" What was I thinking??!

I proceeded to tell him about my thought concerning us spending too much time together alone. That I'm struggling with how to feel about the hugging and other stuff. I added that I was considering the idea of us seeing each other less often.

His immediate question was what that meant for our impending vacation. I didn't mean for this plan to start immediately. I clarified it was more a matter of us being alone but in groups and the vacation were fine.

The conversation went nowhere fast. I think I was partially agitated by his black and white reaction and his lack of emotional response. I can't remember what was said, but I just stopped talking to him as we sped down the freeway. I warmed back up later when he changed the topic.

For some reason, I recall the conversation moving to ever eating at this restaurant that's near both of us. The parking lot is always packed for dinner on weekends, and I've always wanted to try the place. He asked if I wanted to go there sometime. Where did this come from? I said that I'd like to and asked if we could dress up nice and go. Then Tim out on his silly attitude and said, "what do you mean, I'm perfectly dressed for it?" (He was wearing faded jeans, an oversized blue flannel shirt, and hiking boots.) He cautioned me that the place is expensive; a French dip sandwich is $18. I hesitated but assured him that I wanted to try the restaurant at least once. He reminded me of the price at least three times as we tried to find a time to go. Why bring up going if he thinks I don't want to pay for it?


On the way home, the conversation about spending time together resumed. It was now 1am and we had an hour car ride home. I was incredibly tired and sleepy. For half the ride, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep but gave up and started talking.

Being the character he is, I got a bit of a round-about reaction from him about taking a break from each other. The first reaction was basically, "okay, if you think you need to." Of course, I find this kind of "about me" reaction incredibly frustrating.

"Well, how do you feel about it?"

"I think it's a good idea if you feel it will help you."

"No, I want to know how this idea makes YOU feel."

"I'm fine with it. I don't have any problem with us, but you do."

"Then how do you explain liking to hold my hand, hugging, and running your hand up the back of my shirt? I've asked you in the past not to do that but we always end up going back to that."

"It's nice to hug. I didn't see any problem with it."

"Didn't you think it went beyond what's normal for two people?"

"Sure, but I thought we were both clear about things. I don't like you that way."

"I know... early on (after the break up) I didn't believe that, but now I know that's how you feel. Still... anytime you're like that with someone, of course it means something. It's confusing for me."

"Okay. I won't do that anymore."

(I always try to faithfully repeat conversations but I can't guarantee they're perfect.) He encouraged me to go date other men. He reminded me of the reasons I had once given as to why we couldn't date - cultural, lifestyle, attitudes towards money. He concluded that we'd see each other to plan for the trip and enjoy the vacation but that afterwards, he give me some space.

"This is hard for me. I'm scared that I will never find someone I get along with as well as I do with you."

There was nothing else I could say. A millions horrible thought floated in my head. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to just start balling but kept it to a few tears and a sniffle. In a world where people fight life-threatening diseases every day, I wanted to have a disease that could kill me. I hate that I know this sweet guy but don't know what to do with him. All my pessimism about being able to love again took over. Just put me out of my misery and give me an arranged marriage. I thought about disappearing from my life come October and whether people would care. I went silent, only saying that I didn't think it necessary to share my thoughts with him at that moment because they weren't relevant.

Maybe I was a bit snappy with him. I was just frustrated that somehow none of this had occurred to him before. Sure, I'm just as guilty of wanting to touch him. Human contact is natural. In the past, I had made several comments about cutting down on the physical affection, but it wasn't taken seriously.

I didn't mean for this conversation to happen in a car where we couldn't look at each other and avoid distraction. That wasn't fair to Tim since he was driving. I wanted to be able to think through this more and understand my options. I felt like he took that all away from me and decided that my idea was the final decision. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I talked to him briefly yesterday evening. He was standing in the checkout line at Target. We asked each other about our day. I then apologized for the unplanned discussion. Tim was easy going as always and understanding. I asked if we could continue the discussion in person sometime and decide together what next steps to take. He said we could meet some evening this week when he has time.

P.S. The other reason I feel like such a heel for bringing this up now... his birthday is in a few weeks.

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