Component of the compatibility equation

Being around all these married people got me to thinking the other day. It's something that's awkward to talk about and that I certainly would never share with friends for fear of it getting back to the men in question.

Sex is a significant emotional bond for me which is why I've never been casual about it. My partners are all people I knew and, for the most part, dated for a period of time. While I'm not religious, I grew up expecting not to be intimate with more than a couple men by the time I got married. That's not exactly what's happened, but my number is still manageable.

I've been with enough men to know that the stories you hear from friends, read in books, and see in tv shows have a healthy amount of truth to them. Men are ultra-sensitive about certain things. Size does matter in some respects. People have different techniques that work for them. Everyone has their limits of adventure and propriety in the bedroom. This all brings me to the question at hand, one that in the end I hope I won't have to worry about - how important should sexual chemistry be in a relationship?

The examples I refer to during my thought process are (and keep in mind the measurements provided are all relative):

1) Someone who I really liked. He felt like the average length but had a pencilish girth. He sometimes got soft if we paused too long and had some difficultly... climaxing. It could have been lack of contact, nervousness, whatever. I feared making him more insecure and never said much about it. The result for me was that there were times that I just needed him to finish. Because I liked him so much, it was something I was willing to accept.

2) A man who I felt totally at ease with. We always had great communication about dating and what we were looking for in someone. He was very attentive in bed, eager to try to please me. In his case, however, he was finishing too fast. Foreplay was a challenge because it was enough to set him off, but he'd finish just when I had warmed up. Such frustrating timing! While he had ample girth, sadly, his shorter stature made more difference than I expected. It really bothered me, but what could I possibly say to him.

3) A guy who really just wanted a friends with benefits situation. He definitely had enough experience to be exciting. Sometimes it felt like a porno movie the way with how he talked and the adventures we had. Healthy length, average girth, just a little overweight. It never would have worked out as a dating situation, our backgrounds and attitudes were too different. And, honestly, after a few months, I became uninterested in the "show." I wanted something more tender and meaningful.

Is this all normal? Was I wrong to settle for the situation because I wanted things to go well? I give him credit for trying. I know in the beginning he was nervous because he liked me as much as I did him. We didn't communicate well; that was one of the downfalls of the relationship. In the second case, I made my frustrations very clear at times. Dare I guess that I might have been a bit harsh? It did get better, but I knew not all the "problems" would ever correct themselves. What a horrid feeling it was to be factoring his size into my attraction. The last example proved to me that I'm not a casual girl because I get too emotionally involved with men.

I haven't been active in awhile... long enough that I can only recall the last encounter sometime within a six month range. As I consider dating again, I think about this for many reasons. As conservative as my sexual history is, in my old age (ha ha), I feel I'm getting MORE conservative. There are days I'd rather just wait until I get married to have sex again. But then, that's crazy, because as my friend once commented, "it's nice to have a test drive before you buy the car." On the other hand, I know that part of a good relationship is taking the risk to be more intimate, on many levels. I have to be careful not to hold back too much.

I don't need amazing, incredible, sex all the time. Maybe I'm setting my expectations too low, but I feel like that time has passed. I heard all that happening through adjoining dorm and apartment walls over the years. Perhaps it's because I've rarely achieved orgasm during intercourse. Whatever the cause, real sex life is not as glamorous to me as our culture would lead you to expect. Sometimes I wish I could be more hedonistic and just have fun - let go the emotional baggage. Don't get me wrong, I like sex, I miss it. I enjoy being with someone, expressing passion and love, sharing our bodies. These days, I want to feel a real connection.

How much sexual compatibility is reasonable to want or expect? How much of it simply develops with time? Where in the overall compatibility equation does sex belong? How much weight does this element deserve? This will differ for every person, but what I wonder is how much is a fair trade-off versus giving up too much or expecting something unrealistic.