Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Have I mentioned lately

Have I mentioned how much I hate being single? For some reason, it's been really apparent lately and it sucks! (My hormones must be out of whack or something.)

Over the weekend, a friend had a birthday party. He'd scheduled it a month ago, inviting a large list of people. In the end, he turned it into a friendly, backyard BBQ at their house. I didn't bother to reply until the last minute.

Runner and PlainT are good friends of my friends. I don't necessarily see them regularly or know them well, but they are nice and good people. We invite each other to occasional events. I attended their baby shower last year and have seen them a couple of times since the baby arrived.

I didn't know what to do about the party because, frankly, they're a married couple with a child. When I looked at the invitation, the eight people coming appeared to all be couples, some with children. It's not the type of setting I look forward to these days. Admittedly, it's hard for me to enjoy something that I can't have. I would have been completely depressed seeing all the lovely, happy children running around and listening to the parents talk about things to which I can't relate. It's just a reminder that I've become this lost soul. I fear there will be fewer and fewer parties for me to attend in the future as my friends start their families. (It's that or hang out with people who are years younger than me.)

Saturday was a day spent completely alone. I ran errands and talked to sales people but no one else. I sat around in the evening, surfing the Internet and wondering why my online profile has attracted not ONE SINGLE RESPONSE during the week I've had it posted. (Doesn't any one appreciate a co-dependent, self-centered, control freak?) Seriously, I thought it was a friendly, outgoing, and active description of who I am. Perhaps it was a little trite, but that should have earned me a few nods.

Today, my friend sent out an e-mail asking we all stay behind after the wedding ceremony for group pictures. Pku even listed out how she wanted everyone grouped - high school, college, dance, sports, etc. There are so few of us single people left. For some silly and annoying reason, I felt teary seeing all the people she listed as "[friend] & family." What's wrong with me?

I see friends who are making an effort to meet people. I read about all of you out there who are dating or trying to date. It's encouraging to see people persevere. Rationally, I know there's hope; I know it's p-o-s-sible, but I'm mentally exhausted with the process.

I'm tired of pretending everything is fine and dandy, especially when people ask me about my love life. Stop telling me I'll find him and show me where he is. Don't lie to me and say I have plenty of time - you don't believe that any more than I do. Hearing these reassurances makes me feel better (momentarily), but it doesn't change anything. If I'm such a damn great person, why have I been single for so long?

Too bad I'm not the slutty type, at least that would keep me entertained. I'd start becoming the neighborhood old lady with a dozen cats, but I'm allergic.

I'm going to scarf down a bar of dark chocolate now. They say it helps with mood right? Thank goodness my therapist is back from her vacation.


teahouse said...

Hey, the grass is always greener on the other side. I know for a fact that my married and childed friends all envy me for being single with no responsibilities and attachments. There's always a silver lining!

And you're not old at all..just have patience, grasshopper. Better single and looking now than with someone and divorced with a kid!

zerodoll said...

i think treehouse said it very well; much better to find the right person than settle and end up miserable later.

Nicky said...

I can relate, my friend. Keep the faith. It's tiring, all of it, and losing the social support of friends who are in different life stages, right as it seems to get more difficult to find someone, seems extra unfair and lonely.

But you're not the only one walking this path, and those of us walking with you are hopeful that there's treasure at the end....

mini said...

my friend sent me this earlier today b/c I too was complaining about being single ... Suddenly Single

not sure how much it helps ... but it's something to think about :)

Pandax said...

Thanks everyone. It's just one of these up and down things. THB, my variation on the old saying is that the grass always looks greener on the other side because you can't see the weeds. My married friends laughed and agreed.

Shan, you still have time. And knowing (former) grad students like yourself, take advantage of all the people you get to meet in academia and through related activities. It forms a lasting network of friends.