Where do my feet go?

My company is going through some big layoffs. We already went through some last year so people are rather ambivalent about this situation. I can still remember last year as we all crowded together between cubes asking the status of each other and others down the corridor. It was sad to watch as week after week people sent goodbye e-mails expressing the mixed emotions, remembering the good times and wishing everyone luck finding a new job.

Many signals had been floating around signaling this new wave of layoffs. The size of the layoffs was the unexpected part. We still have a mini-wave this week that could directly impact the people (including myself) who I interact with regularly. A few people already know and are taking it well. Frankly, we've all been here for awhile and perhaps this is a good way to get some people off their butts to find a better or new challenge. As sad as we all are to see people go, no one's particular sad about going.

My feelings about possibly leaving are very mixed. You may remember that last year I was expressing a yearning for taking a break or quiting. I was unhappy with my life in general which made being at work rather unappealing. Now, I'm in a position where I'm comfortable. I have a job that's not incredibly stressful but still interesting most of the time, and I have an incredibly easy commute.

I sat down with my manager the other day as part of our "regular" meetings. The timing was so that he naturally wanted to ask me how I'm feeling about the situation. It was difficult for me to answer because there are several components to my feelings. He probably sensed my ambivalence about my job status.

The past year has been okay. In every job, I'd say there are phases of boredom and phases of intense interest as projects come and go. Unfortunately, those phases of boredom have been more frequent the past couple of years, partially due to circumstance beyond anyone's control. Still, I've learned a good deal, taking on projects that required me to interact with different people and try new techniques. In the back of my mind, however, I had been feeling an itch to leave. Working on the same product for five years is a long time. I want to learn something new.

When the company relocated, however, my commute became so easy and the work load required little overtime. It was perfect because it gave me more time to enjoy myself with after-work activities. I've been experiencing wonderful work-life balance. That said, it's made me complacent about wanting to leave for my career's sake. I haven't had much interest in developing my career because I just wanted to be happy. This is something I chose not to really bring up with my boss. Who wants people to know that you aren't working that hard?

The factor that I chose to bring up was that about being part of the team. Most of the people who are my equal or above are men. The people I must work most closely with behave with somewhat of a "boys club" mentality. It's subtle, it's probably not completely intentional, but it's there. One person in particular is difficult to read. I am only one of several people who have expressed difficulty working with him.

I'm no social butterfly, there are things I need to learn and practice. But I'd like to think that I've tried to have casual conversations to get a read on what's happening and make suggestions about initiating projects that could be supportive to the department's goals and strategies. With all the "fire fighting" that's been going on for the past year, however, I feel like I've been left to guess and get second-hand hints of what happens. Our monthly department meetings haven't been held since... November? It's difficult for me to contribute with projects and information when I don't know what's happening. I think my boss appreciated that I want to be more involved.

I told my boss that I've been feeling underutilized. My work has been valuable, but once I share my results with people, it seems the run off with it and never talk with me about it again. It's weird to have others mention they've seen my work but I've had no involvement in what they saw. I'm trying not to take this personally, my stance is more that, as a department, I'm not being consulted about things. How can I do my job when I can't see how people react and what actions or discussion arise from my work?

My manager acknowledged some of these deficiencies. I ever offered that if there was something I was failing to do that I'd appreciate some suggestions or pointers on how to improve. It was scary to say all this, but I knew it was important to voice my concerns.

He also asked me about my future plans. First, he asked where I see myself in five years. I told him that somewhere along the line that I'd like to try a slightly different career path to test my interests. If that didn't work out, then I'd come back to my current career. My answer didn't seem to give him what he was looking for, so he narrowed the time range and asked what I'd like to be doing in two years. The answer for that was easy, I told him I want to be working on a different product. The minute I said it, I wondered if I was putting myself at risk. Does this signal to him that it's not in his interest to keep me?

In terms of how I'm feeling about the layoffs, I told him of my ambivalence. I said it's hard no matter what because we went through this last year. Being in an atmosphere where people are scared and distracted, it's tough to be productive. He made it clear that I needed to tell him whether or not I want to be here. The implication in his tone and his facial expression implied to me that if I wanted to be laid off, he'd make sure I got the package. My response was that I enjoy what I do but that's it's difficult in this environment. Hopefully, he also understands that I won't stay if the communications issues don't improve.

It's all a little scary. As much as he hinted that he wants to keep someone in my position, I'm not willing to bet money that I still have a job. Our sister department knows all but for sure they will all be losing their jobs. It's weird to be so open with someone, you never know how much you can trust management. I think for the most part, my boss is a decent person. That said, I know there's a part I can't trust because he has to do what's best for the company (and his buddies). Perhaps I should more firmly express my desire to be here to ensure that I keep my job. But frankly, my ambivalence keeps me from making that effort.

Taking the package is tempting, I would have enough money from the severance to not work through Christmas. Gosh, it would be nice to have some free time eh? I've always wanted to be one of those people who spend hours at the library in the middle of the work day. Then again, what are the chances of getting hired during the holidays? And, sometimes, it's kind of nice to go out on your own terms rather than be pushed out. If I knew for sure what I wanted my next job to be, I would be more tempted to leave, but since I'm still trying to figure that out, I want to enjoy my comfortable position for now.

What's what

I received the following "article" in an e-mail from one of the dating sites that still has me on their mailing list. It's always good to reread these kinds of lists because they help to focus all those silly ideas, feelings, and questions that are floating around inside one's head. In the past I've often found it hard to describe some of the ideals and needs that I look for in a guy. This seems like a very good set of basics. I think it's a very fair list of traits that people could keep in mind when assessing a relationship.

What's important?

The key to dating well is to know yourself and your partner deeply enough to be able to accurately observe the ways that you interact from the beginning stages of the relationship’s development. The feeling of new love is like nothing else, but if you are completely swept away in emotion to the point that you are ignoring obvious incompatibilities, you might find that months and maybe even years down the road that you feel "cheated" in your relationship. By ignoring the following seven similarities you could be missing out on a much more satisfying and happy relationship.

When I read it this time, it reaffirmed some of the choices I've made in my life. It reminded me about why my guy is often right and where sometimes my rationale for decisions is sometimes unrealistic. Attitudes and priorities change as you grow older, no answer is perfect. The best you can do is be honest with yourself about who you are versus who you want to be at that point in time.

1. Spiritual Harmony
Although not always referring to religious affiliation, spiritual harmony refers to a shared perception of God or a higher power as well as how much weight spiritual belief weighs in on your life. It is about the relationship of spirituality in your life. If you are religious or very spiritual and your partner has a very low level, there may be problems, especially if marriage and children follow.

I'm not religious, so it goes to say that I'd prefer someone who is similar. I dated someone Catholic in college. I learned a lot, and I know I don't want to deal with that again.

2. Desire for Verbal Intimacy and Ability to be Intimate
Intimacy is what romantic relationships are all about—emotional intimacy, mental intimacy, physical intimacy, and for many spiritual intimacy. A committed, monogamous relationship is a special union in which you can share the most intimate sides of yourself and so can your partner with you. As part of sharing this intimacy, there are three key factors: the ability to connect with another through caring, interest and compassion, the ability to express, and the ability to listen well. Beyond those skills, both partners must have mutual desire to get to know the other on all of these levels. Love is a total package, and one that must be wanted equally by both parties.

This one is very important even though I would never say I'm very good at it. My problem is that, in the past, I've bottled up feelings when I've **really** liked a guy. I'm afraid to rock the boat or scare him off by talking about my hopes for a future together. I also fear showing a side of me that seems insecure or annoying because they will like me less or realize they don't want to be with someone who acts like that. It's something I've worked on through friends, through my therapist. I also need to know that he'll tell me what he's thinking when he's brooding in the corner. I can't read minds, and it's totally frustrating when it's brushed off as nothing.

3. Energy Level
The energy level of a person may sound like something simple, but it can affect many things about a person, including other key similarities partners should share such as ambition level, interests and personal habits. If the disposition of your partner is more low-key and your disposition is all about high energy wave-making, you can be sure that there will be future problems to contend with—you’ll want to go, go, go, and your partner will feel pressured and may even pressure you to slow down, down, down.

This is definitely important. I don't want a couch potato but I could never keep up with a party-hopper. Sometimes I wish I'd done more of the clubbing scene in my twenties, but it's just not my pace. I like being up at a decent hour, like 9am, because so much can get done before noon. I've never understood people who wake up at noon on weekends.

4. Ambition Level
Differences in ambition levels can wreak havoc in relationships because work and achievement is such a large part of our culture, and work in most cases is necessary for survival. Those who are highly goal-driven will have a hard time understanding why their partner seems to be "aimless" or is not interested in accomplishing anything, when to their partner, they may seem like they never take time to stop and simply enjoy life for what it is. And yet, life for what it is to the ambitious is work and achievement. Therefore, ambition level is best when relatively similar.

This has definitely been a reason for not wanting to continue dating one guy. He would constantly complain about his company and his job and yet he stayed there for years. Even now, (we're still friends) he has a somewhat aimless career. It would have driven me nuts. I have no interest in being the wife of a CEO who's never home, but certainly I want someone who cares and nurtures their career.

5. Role Expectations
Not just about traditional roles of who stays home and who works, role expectations can involve everything from who does particular household tasks such as shopping and taking out the trash to who pays on a date to how a person should dress. Role expectations should be similar and compatible. It is not so important what the roles chosen are, but that both partners enjoy and are happy with mutual expectations that partners have for each other.

I don't think I consciously think about this, not this comprehensively. I do always joke about who's going to cook or fold laundry so this descriptor captures the bigger pictures. I'd like to have it be fairly equal but I think there are just some things that one person will do better than the other. I'm not June Cleaver though it might be fun to try for a few months.

6. Interests
Relationships are built on love, attraction, compatibility and a history of shared experiences. Interests help to create those shared experiences that become memories of happy moments spent together. Looking back, participating in particular interests becomes evidence of the good times and love that you have shared. While all interests do not have to be the same, and partners can introduce really enjoyable independent interests, the major ones should be relatively similar. If your idea of a Saturday involves a beach chair and a great new bestselling book, but your partner is more into hiking, biking and rock climbing on his days off, or if your partner’s idea of riveting entertainment is rental movies and take out on a Saturday night but you’re already dressed and ready to go out to paint the town red, you may want to reconsider whether your interest aligns enough for a long-term relationship.

This is definitely something that makes a difference. The one thing that can be hard to tell is whether a hobby someone has is something incompatible or something that you need to give a good try. My cousin has dated men who were into the outdoors. She tried camping once, but it wasn't fun. She's an urban girl. Her tolerance is a half-day hike within 20 miles of modern facilities. On the other hand, CC's sister-in-law was a total urban girl until she started dating her current boyfriend. She couldn't stop talking about his awesome body, now goes camping with him often, and works out constantly. They never would have imagined her new-found interest in the outdoors. When I look at couples I know, it definitely seems to be a better fit if they enjoy similar things like playing piano, board games, cooking, parties, traveling. It's amazing how long couples can debate, even argue, over the color they want to paint the house and what fabric and style to choose for new drapes.

7. Personal Habits
Personal habits are often overlooked during the "honeymoon stage" of any relationship. In fact, even some of the most off-putting habits later declared as near-deal-breakers are even regarded as "cute" or endearing. Whether or not your partner is on time or runs chronically late, is clean or messy, is responsible financially or plays things more "loose"—all of these personal habits come into play. Additionally, habits like weight management or fitness activity level are equally important. There may be other personal habits that particularly resonate with you as being unacceptable—make sure you watch out for them and agree to come to terms with them; most times habits are hard to break and even harder when they’re not likely to change.

I'd guess this is the reason many people move in together before getting married. People want to know if they can get along. As much as two people might spend their time together, it's impossible to know these things unless you live in the same space and share responsibilities. There are things to be fixed, places to be cleaned, bills to be paid. A guy who's bachelor apartment is strewn with junk mail that's been collecting for years or who's bathroom hasn't been cleaned for 5+ years (yes, I have male friends like this) is going to have to change. Can he? I want someone who I believe wants to take care of himself. I don't want to be a mother who has to clean up after someone or remind him to watch his calories and salt intake. I have to admit, I want someone who wants to look attractive, though not someone who spends more time or money on it than me. For me, I still don't like the idea of living with someone until I'm engaged or married. Who knows what will actually happen, I just want to know there's serious commitment before I take that big step.

This list has been interesting because, often, when little things have bothered me about someone I've dated, I worried that I was being picky or looking for excuses. Seeing this list, however, reminds me that some of these little things can turn into bigger things if I don't talk them through to determine whether or not they are serious issues.

Nothing, of course, is ever perfect. There will always be compromise. I see from married friends that you learn to know how to pick your battles or present things in ways that minimize conflict. I don't know that I really understand the criteria for marriage. There's so much uncertainty involved compared to dating because you have to think about the long term.

Say no to pot pies

Last week, I decide not to cook, and I forgot my lunch leftovers at work. So, I pulled out one of the frozen Marie Callender's pot pies I've had in the freezer for a couple weeks. These days, I try not to buy a lot of prepared frozen meals, but there are just those days when it's nice to have some for backup.

Pot pies are a comfort food for me. I remember eating many of those Banquet meat pies at home as a kid. I just loved eating the hot filling and flakey crust as I watched cartoons.

I've perfected the speed at which I cook these pies. The problem with the box instructions is that the microwave fails to cook the crust properly and the oven just takes too darn long. The best compromise I've found is to microwave the pie for 7-8 minutes and then pop it in the toaster oven for 5-10 minutes. It's great because the filling is hot and I still get my flakey crust.

As I popped my turkey pie into the over, my eyes caught a glance of the nutrition label on the back of the box. You know, that lovely black and white rectangle that reminds you whether you're eating healthy.

My first glance was the calorie content per serving, 530 calories. Things seemed to register rather slowly in my head because before I could decide whether that was a reasonable number of calories to be consuming, my eye had moved up to a little box that appeared to have been added in hindsight just above nutrition label. The box was sized just enough to fit the one line of text which read:

"This entire box contains 1060 calories."

Say WHAAAAAT! Holy cow!!! Okay, I know these pies can't be super healthy, but that super unhealthy. They are big, but I can't see feeling full after eating half of one. It must be all the cream in the sauce and the pie crust. I'm really sad because this means that I can't go buying these much in the future. 1060 calories is more than half of the calories I should be eating in one day.

No wonder Americans are so overweight these days, look what we're being sold in the stores! (Take a look at this obesity map CNN created.) You know people are living off fast food and frozen meals rather than cook something from scratch. Evil, evil food manufacturers.

I've been eating much healthier in the past week - lots of farmers' market veggies (heirloom tomatoes are awesome) and fruits. (Okay, I do have homemade chocolate ice cream in the freezer, but I only eat a scoop a day.) But gosh, sometimes I do miss that fattening and salty flavors.

Apple envy

I saw this today and thought it was cool.


I still remember the first Apple II that my school had. The big craze was to spend lunch in the library play this frontier game, Oregon Trail. I really wanted to have this cool Apple computer, but I got a Commodore 64 instead. Really, not a bad computer for learning BASIC, but not as much fun as an Apple or TI for games. (Especially when you're parents won't buy you a joystick bcause the keyboard is just fine.)

In college, I got a stripped down PC clone. Many of my classmates had Macs. I was a bit jealous but couldn't afford one or convince my parents that it was necessary.

Only when I had been working a couple years did I splurge on buying a Mac. It was just at the start of the Internet, when AOL was big and Apple had their own online community. But I have to admit, I didn't use the computer that often, especially once I switched jobs and was assigned a Dell laptop. The computer ended up sitting in a storage box for years until I finally gave it away to a friend of a friend who collected old Apple computers.

Lately, I've been thinking again about getting a MacBook. But then I'm always asking myself if I'd really use it enough given its price tag. When (and if) I have kids, it would especially be useful in creating videos to send to the relatives and eventually to pass down for schoolwork. It'd be so cool, so easy to use. And, if I got the 2nd generation iPhone, we'll then I'd have to have both right?

Yeah, next year, we'll see. Maybe if I'm good and put away a little money each month, like layaway. ;)

Welcome Rene

I had this strange dream the other morning just before I awoke. I rarely think of my ex, Ryan, these days, so it's always a bit disturbing for me when I have such a detailed dream including him. The only thing I can think of is that the previous night, there was a mention of his neighborhood on the news and I remember hoping that he was frustrated by the event. (I'm so evil.)

I don't recall what the situation was in the dream, only that I was on the page where his wedding information was once posted. The site had been changed, thanking everyone for being part of their celebration (which was several years ago).

The next section of the page served to updated visitors to their baby. I have been wondering for sometime whether he'd have kids. To this day, I still have no idea. (Admittedly, once in awhile, I check online baby registries but find nothing.) In the dream, they were touting a link to a photo page showing their 38-week-old son, Rene.

In the dream, I remember thinking what a lame, pretentious name they picked and that it didn't surprise me based on some of the attitudes Ryan had about lifestyle (and where his wife likes to shop). I was very tempted to click through the link to see the pictures of the baby but held myself back.

Okay, so what in the world does this dream mean? Why so much detail? Am I psychic?

It's on it's way!!!

Woohoo!!!

Greetings from Amazon.com.

We thought you would like to know that we are preparing your items for
shipment.

You can view the status of this order, and all your orders, online by
visiting Your Account at http://www.amazon.com/gp/css/history/view.html

There you can:
* View the status of unshipped items
* Cancel unshipped items
* Return items
* And do much more
The following items are being prepared for shipment by Amazon.com:
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Qty Item Price Shipping Subtotal
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Amazon.com items (Sold by Amazon.com, LLC) :
1 Harry Potter and the Death... $17.99 1 $17.99


Too bad I'm out of town for the weekend. The package will probably literally land on my door step a couple hours after I leave. I've got my fingers crossed no one is wise to its arrival and swipes it from my doorstep! I have my guesses as to what will happen, but I won't upset anyone. :)

Maybe I'll drive by a bookstore tonight at 11:30pm to see all the people partying... go Harry!

That's nice, who are you?

The other day I was forwarded this message from an acquaintance:

"Dear Pandax -

Hi. I am very interested in the [position] at [your company] and believe I have the passion and the experience to make a significant impact from the beginning. I would really appreciate it if we could chat about [your company].

Thanks,
CV

To give you a little more background, this was sent through a networking website. A connection of CV's sent it to my connection who forwarded it to me. Obviously, she saw this job posted somewhere in cyberland, searched for a connection at the company, found me, and is seeking my help to get her foot in the door.

I'm not an expert on proper business etiquette, but frankly I found her e-mail a bit too forward. I feel like she's trying to apply for the job through me. Since she doesn't know me, would it not have been appropriate to introduce herself a little and inquire as to whether or not this is something I could help her with? Maybe I'm reading into this too much but I just don't go for the way she immediately tried to "sell" herself. I don't even work with the group who's filling this position. I'm not sure I feel comfortable recommending someone I don't know to people with whom I barely say "hello" in the cafeteria.

If I were her, I would have written something less direct:

"Dear P,

I found your name through [network] and would like to chat with you about [your company]. Currently, a [position] is open that I am interested in. I believe I have the background and passion to make an impact with this product launch. I would like to learn more about [your company] and seek any advice you might have about this position.

Thanks,
CV"

Am I being too picky? I don't want anyone to kiss my ass, but a little friendliness would be appreciated. There's nothing here to engage me or tell me something specific about her ("passion to make an impact" just seems a bit trite). I guess I'm just not good at playing these business games. I'm sure I probably sound just as form letter as her (but I really try to personalize my e-mails). Maybe that's how I should write when I request informational interviews from network connections be direct and forget the niceties... but it's not me.

I wrote her back explaining that I'm not with that team, implied that it would be a very intense job, and said that I'd still be willing to talk with her about the company. That seems reasonable, I think... .

Hazards of the job

This e-mail was sent out by my company's security group:

"The National Animal Rights Convention 2007 will meet from this Thursday through Monday at the [hotel] LAX. As in previous years, Monday will include an organized protest at a target to be named that day.

In addition to the convention, those organizing protests against HLS are taking advantage of this convergence of activists to hold its "West Coast Shut Them Down Tour" beginning next Tuesday, July 24. A list of cities and dates has been posted with no additional information, although it is expected the protests will target research-based facilities and financial institutions. "


That was followed up by alerting us to which days the group might potentially be "visiting" our campus. We were reminded about general policies of not allowing random, non-badge wearing people into the buildings and to report any suspicious activity.

There have been several alerts like this over the years, but nothing serious has ever happened (yet). The only incident we ever had was a suspicious package that was delivered to one of the labs sometime before Xmas. The return label address did not look familiar so the recipient reported it. The city bomb squad actually ended up coming out and blowing up the package because they could not determine the package's contents. It turned out it was a gift box sent by a vendor - a box of animal-shaped chocolates.

At a previous company, I heard stories about various disease groups coming to protest for more access to experimental drugs. They'd have to bar the doors and escort people to work. I can't imagine how uncomfortable that would have been.

While I live in a politically active region of the country, I don't often hear about any major animal rights protests that turn violent. Certainly, it's inconvenient and I understand their interest in protecting animals. I definitely have never been one to be comfortable experimenting on animals. However, I also acknowledge there are medical advances that couldn't have happened without the sacrifice of animals. Like any ethical debate, the lines are fuzzy and there will never be a clear right or wrong.

It's easy to say that testing on live animals such as monkeys, dogs, and rodents is cruel. I knew someone who had to snap the necks of mice in a research lab. Creepy job. The line gets fuzzy (to me) when you start talking about things that don't run around and interact with other animals. Cells are alive, but no one says we abuse or torture them. (Stem cells are a whole different issue.) But what do you say about chicken embryos? If it weren't for the use of eggs, we wouldn't have enough stock of common vaccines such as the flu shot. (This is also why people with egg allergies can't take the shot.) There have been many attempts to find alternative manufacturing processes, but they just aren't as easy and scalable as eggs. Gosh, this starts sounding like an abortion debate - when is an embryo a being?

I'm not going to go there, that's not the point of today's thoughts. Moreover, I'm simply always amazed that I work in an industry that has to worry about this sort of thing. It's something you see on tv, not something you fear might appear at your front door in the morning. Clothing manufacturers have to worry about human right protesters, oil companies may have to deal with environmentalists, what do the high-techies have to worry about? Luddites? ;)

It's interesting to think about the potential job hazards you don't realize you are taking on.

The little things

It's been a good week, I'm way behind at work and yet it doesn't bother me. There's always going to be something I can't finish. I'm just enjoying my summer.

And it's been a plenty good week in terms of little accomplishments:

- secured a last-minute reservation for Yosemite (I'm training for a big hiking adventure in the fall; someone cancelled and I scooped up the camp site)

- redeemed some mileage for tickets to Hawaii for a long Labor Day weekend (got vacation, will use)

- rode my bike to work after promising myself that I'd do this for the past three months (it's not that far and yet it's so easy to just drive like so many other people)

- arrange to have an information chat with someone (career research)

- watched a minor league baseball game with friends

- received a free tin of Spicy Maya Hot Chocolate drink for commenting that I was disappoint with how a local cafe prepared it (here's to hoping I can make it at home as well as they do at their Chuao shops)

This weekend, I'm going to go browse all the clearance sales and hang out with friends. I love summer. Somehow it always fills up with fun things.

Now if I could just find time to actually clean my place... ;)

Questions looking for trouble

I got this question recently from a prospective suitor. Frankly, I think this kind of question can't possibly offer an answer that's going to satisfy anyone.

Describe your ideal mate.

I paused when I saw this. What kind of answer does a guy expect to this? I'm not the funniest person in the world, I don't know a funny way to get out of answering this. It seems like a no-win question - either you give an answer that makes it sound like you have impossible expectations or you make the other person feel like they'll never be good enough.

That I said, I did the best I could. I caveatted that no one's perfect and that I recognize that I don't expect to find a man like this. I reminded him there's undefinable chemistry that must exist between two people. And then, I had a little fun and sent him a laundry list.

I'd like some who's intelligent, has a great smile, is responsible, is relatively clean, will sing karaoke, dresses decently, can be romantic, is outgoing, speaks a foreign language enough to get directions, likes board games, eats healthy (most of the time), dances, is funny, is patient, doesn't do drugs, has regular sleep hours, is good with kids, has friends, enjoys spicy food, plays a musical instrument, is not afraid wear pink, etc.

Of course, now that I'm looking at it again, I realize I left out things like honesty, integrity, thoughtfulness, assertiveness, a hint of charm, a bit of geek, and the courage to try new things every once in awhile. It was a fun way to answer the question. Hopefully, it reveals some of the priorities for me but also shows that I want to have fun and hints at some of the things I like to do and would want to be able to share with another person. In and of itself, this exercise teaches me the importance of embellishing a simple response with a phrase (I don't know my grammatical terms) that hints at a reason or preference. It definitely makes for a more interesting read. Now the question is what did the guy think of my response?

Sadly, I don't think this guy appreciates sharing much detail (or at least putting some effort into his Internet communications). I know some people prefer to chat by phone or in-person, but come on, if you choose to try and date through the Internet, you need to make an effort. What am I supposed to do with this?

Describe an interest you hope to share with you partner.

His answer: Stargate SG1 or Atlantis

Does he really think this is sufficient? How am I supposed to get to know someone when the answers are so brief? That's nice, I understand he like sci-fi. Can you give me a little more explanation why this appeals to you? My temptation is to write back and say "Your answer seems to have been truncated by the system. Could you please tell me again about your interest in Stargate?"

Online dating these days is more for entertainment than much else these days. Is that a poor attitude? There's still a month left on my subscription so you gotta get your money's worth somehow. I admit I'm not trying too hard these days. I'm really just enjoying my summer and hanging out with friends. There's nothing like beautiful weather and happy people.

Woohoo! Donuts with sprinkles...

I grabbed Tim and we went to our nearest Kwik-E-Mart. They were literally unloading a truck full of Krusty O's and Buzz Cola when we arrived - hence the line. You could go in a buy a donut and a Squishee, but you had to get in line for the other goodies. At first glace we were wondering if the guy at the head of the line was Sideshow Bob with bleached blond hair!


Neither of us are HUGE Simpsons fans, but the idea of the store is certainly entertaining. We debated whether to just take a couple pictures and go or to wait in line to by a souvenir. Tim was game for waiting as it didn't look like it would take long. We both wanted to buy a box of KrustyO's. We were really hoping to find some gag cereal objects inside like gummy worms or something. The signs were great. Tim's favorite was, "Buy 3 for the price of 3." I also picked up a couple magnet straws for a friend, Pisces. She *loves* the Simpsons. Hopefully, she'll get to the see one near her once the lines die down.


As we were walking away, this guy thanked us for coming. That seemed kind of strange, so I asked if he was a regional manager for 7-Eleven. After all, he was wearing a Kwik-E-Mart visor and had been helping unload the supply truck. It turns out he's from the (ad) agency hired by the company to pull off the promotion. I'd say they did a pretty good job... .

Childhood notions

Maybe it was all those Disney movies about happy endings or maybe it was one too many romantic comedies, or perhaps it's just in my genes, but I think I had an overly romantic notion about love in the past.

In the early years, I can recall many boys with whom I played chase - Shawn, Robby, Carl, and Donald. It's funny to think about all that time running around the school playground or neighborhood parks trying to get away. If and when the boys caught the girls, what were they supposed to do next?

Donald was the smart, cute boy who lived down the street from me. We were in the same third-grade class. I'd always catch a glimpse of his house every time I went to Sister's house to play. She played chase with Donald's younger brother Brian. My obsessiveness about boys probably started then.

I remember listening to one of my favorite singers at the time, Olivia Newton-John. She had this old song that I absolutely loved, "I Honestly Love You," that felt totally appropriate for what I wanted to say to Donald. I'm not sure, but I think I once wrote down all the words from the song and dreamed of sharing them with him. Boy, that would have freaked him out!

For a couple years in high school, I had a crush on this sweet boy, Chip. We worked together as library volunteers. I was always excited when we overlapped shifts. He was a genuinely nice guy and we enjoyed chatting together as we shelved books. He'd play little jokes on me like pushing out a book in my aisle that I'd half to pick up and reshelve.

I wasn't exactly a mature teenager. I had no experience with boys and didn't have the greatest communication skills (and still don't). There was no way I would ever do any asking out or overt flirting. He wasn't exactly the outgoing type either. His religion, I assumed at the time, would not allow him to be interested in someone like me. (Oh, how many times I assumed being Asian prevented people from liking me.)

He stopped working at the library before senior year. Still, we'd say "hello" to each other in the hallways. I missed talking to him. Several months before prom, a new song on the radio instantly caught my attention, "Make It Real" by the Jets. It focused attention on how I felt about my situation with Chip. The song is a very cheesy 80s, one-hit-wonder, that just seemed appropriate, especially since they were the same religion as him.

I obsessed over this song for weeks. I thought about how much a like him and wanted him to know. Part of me hoped that maybe I could have the happy ending of going to prom with him.

The silly, foolish, and romantic part of me typed up the words to the song one day. I folded the paper in such a way that it made a ring. On a not-well-thought-out whim, I added left the song hanging around the antenna of his car and said that I'd meet him in the student parking lot the following day if he wanted to know who I was.

I took a bathroom break out of my class that next day and sat between two cars a few away from his, hidden from view. I really didn't know if he'd show. The cars were parked in such a way that he didn't notice me as he walked past. I was nervous to pop my head up but felt obligated since he had bothered to come.

I'm sure he was disappointed to find it was me. He was nice enough about it, not saying anything mean or improper. His friends had actually discovered the note first and made fun of him. The girl he had a crush on was someone in his English class. I knew her from another class and guessed as much as he that she probably was not interested in him (and barely knew him).

It's probably one of the more bizarre choices I made back in high school. At least, the person I had to face was polite and nice about it. I still can't believe I had such nerve.

My real question is why I get so wrapped in boys? Sure, it's fine to have those crushes and cases of puppy love. Where did I get these wild ideas from? How have these habits shaped who I am and how I approach relationships with men? Sometimes I worry about how I process my emotions and react to them. The intensity can be unhealthy and painful when there are things end badly.

These days, I will admit to imagining, fantasizing - silly, crazy things like this, but I never act out on anything. Am I a little crazy or do most girls go through a phase like this?

Finally...

I'm so glad I can say that I finished Half Dome. The views are worth the trek. The elevations is around 8800 feet on top of Half Dome. You can see the Ahwahnee meadow is the green area down below. The rock point behind the valley is probably El Capitan.



When I look at this next picture, I can imagine the ancient glaciers that covered this area and carved out these deep valleys. This place must be beautiful when covered with a bit of snow.



Have a great fourth!

Do your parents know they're paying for this?

Okay, I must admit I'm excited by the idea of the iPhone. I'm not one of those early adopters who must have the latest gadget the minute it goes on the market. Frankly, I'm too cheap to pay the $600 it takes to get one (this is really interesting cost analysis). Maybe next year, if the price drops a little and any bugs have been worked out (wow, have you looked at the plans?), I'll consider buying one. I'm not a big Internet person (nor do I want to pay AT&T extra money for Internet access), so I just don't have the need.

People who are technophiles, who need the connectivity - that's great. I know this will be fun and cool. What gets me are the younger people who are trying to get these phones. I've seen interviews with people in line in different parts of the country and it just astounds me how people spend money they haven't earned (at least from my perspective).

A news reported talked with a high school kid in line in NYC. The reporter asked, "how are you paying for this?"

The kid pauses, forms an awkward smile, and slyly responds, "my parents."

"Do your parents know they're buying this for you?"

"Not yet."

Yeah, his parents must have been thrilled when they saw this on the local evening news. Does he have their credit card with him or something?

Then, in Texas, they talked to this man who had been in line at the AT&T store for a day. The reporter asked, "Are you buying this for yourself?"

In a calm, Texan drawl, "No, it's for my son. My wife wants one too, but I don't know if I can buy two of them."

What can I say? My reaction is that it's ridiculous that these young kids expect to have these expensive toys and have their parents pay for it. There have been many articles (I remember one from Newsweek several years ago) that discuss the excessive amount of entitlement kids have today. Teenagers spend parents money on gadgets and designer clothing without any appreciation for how it's earned. What are they going to do when they grow up? Not everyone is going to have a trust fund to live off of.

When (if) I have kids, they will hate me. They will think I'm ruining their lives because they can't be like their friends with the cool accessories. Well, I'm sorry, that's how it is. You'll appreciate it when you're older. If you want something, you can mow lawns for a year and then we'll talk about buying it. You want a new car you say? How about a used Corolla that you pay for by working at In-N-Out for $10/hour. I'll match each dollar you earn.

I refuse to spoil my kids. Sure, I want them to like me, I want to be their friends, I want them to feel like they can be open with me. However, when it comes down to it, I'm the parent, I need to set rules and teach them how to become responsible adults. That's not going to happen if I indulge their every request.

Besides, come one, those phones are going to get stolen. Think about when iPods first came out or when kids bought the latest Michael Jordan Nikes. I don't like the idea that my kid could get mugged, stabbed, or killed over something so trivial. Clothes and accessories don't make a person (okay, yes, it's human nature to want attention). Still, American have gone to extremes in bling and consumerism. You don't HAVE to have EVERYTHING.

Rant over... have a fantastic weekend!

Check that one!

In between my business trips, I made a quick stop.

A group of us escaped civilization and headed out to Yosemite. This is a wonderful place to me. It was probably the first nation park I ever visited on my own after college (as opposed to a family trip). I only wish I had done more outdoor activities in my twenties.

The grand plan was to hike to Half Dome and climb the cables to the top. We woke up at 5:30am thinking we'd start early and beat the crowds. It turned into a beautiful day, blue skies, wisps of clouds, and clear views in every direction. I was disappointed to find myself struggling to keep up with everyone. After hiking every weekend and going to the gym each week, I didn't expect to feel so winded. Granted the hike starts at over 4000 ft., but it was still frustrating. Later, when we stopped for a break, it was pointed out to me how heavy my pack was compared to what other were packing. I was carrying the bulk of lunch plus my 3.5 liters of water. Maybe I should practice more often with extra weight.

As always, the trail had beautiful views of waterfalls and the landscape. We stopped several times for bathroom breaks and snacks. All the hiking and heat can really make people hungry. We expected to reach the base of Half Dome in under 5 hours. Somehow, we took much longer than expected. We arrived some six hours later to this view.



The line was rather long. Like many others, we debated whether it was worth waiting in the long line. Given the recent tragedy, we were kind of hoping that maybe there'd be fewer people. (The debate that followed was an interesting read, demonstrating that there's never a perfect solution to anything.)

For me personally, there was no question of whether to wait in line to climb the cables. I've been here twice before and not finished; once because it was getting late, once because I had a sharp headache. The lines back then weren't this bad. At least, being here before helped me know how to prepare. I took ibuprofen halfway through the hike to prevent headache and brought some tough leather gloves for the cables.

We ate our lunch as we waited in line. It took TWO hours to finally take our turn climbing the cables. From the bottom, it looks much steeper than it actually is, though it's definitely not something to climb freely. Our climbs both up and down were slowed by people not prepared for the challenge.

The view at the top was fabulous. It's almost a 360 degree view of Yosemite. It's scary how close to the edge of the dome one can stand. I got about five feet from the edge but that was as much risk as I could handle. I'm not afraid of heights, just afraid of a crumbling edge or unexpected gust of wind.

As we waited to go back down, one of my friends observed, "there are people who don't realize they're scared of heights until they try and come down." The guy in front of us overheard and raised his hand and said, "that would be me." The guy kept sitting down and his buddy tried to give him suggestion to make the descent easier. The buddy also had to push him a bit, telling him things like, "you can't go down on your butt, get up."

In contrast, there were people who climbed as if this were a walk in the park. One false step, and you can fall thousands of feet. It's amazing how different people's sense of risk is. Seeing a shiny silver object roll (turned out to be some one's camera), then bounce, then hit rock and break into three pieces as it disappeared over the edge is a good reminder that there's no safety net if something happens.

We all felt great after coming down. There's definitely a feeling of satisfaction in accomplishing a feet like Half Dome. We gave each other high-fives to celebrate.

Other minor observations:

1) Squirrels - Don't feed them and don't leave your packs unattended. They know how to get into your stuff to search for food. Someone left a bag tucked under a rock overhang while climbing the cables. I spotted a squirrel who had pulled out two drink bottles and a package of Advil. They are clever.

2) On the return trail, if you have a choice, avoid the route that involves going down steep stairs - it really hurts the knees.

3) Tradeoffs in campsite selection - interior campground sites can be noisy and feel crowded; outer campground sites are more likely to be visited by bears.

Now pouring Coke

I was on the United.com website the other day an noticed this headline below their main page art - "Now pouring Coke on most United flights."

I recall some time in the past hearing people talk about the choices of beverages on flights and how one airline (who's name I cannot recall) had switched to only serving one brand's line of beverages.

I think it's funny how loyal (or picky) people are about what carbonated beverages they are willing to drink. In one of those e-mail chains where you share answers with friends, I remember my cousin answering "Coke or Pepsi? Pepsi, it took a long time to convert." It was interesting because she bothered to comment on it. I can't help wonder what caused the conversion (maybe the kids?) and how dramatic a change it has made in day to day life.

I myself don't drink much soda in the first place. As a kid, we used to have it around all the time. We had stock piles of 2-liter bottles and 12-packs of soda piled up in the garage. It's the result of buying when things are on sale and even cheaper with promotional coupons. We had so much that some of the rotten neighborhood kids took notice and would steal from our garage if we left it open.

Strangely, the minute I went to college, soda all but disappeared from my eating habits. In addition to prefering other drinks like juices, I think I got scared by the fact that they say Coke is a good solvent for cleaning car batteries. Yipes! And, if you leave an egg in a glass of Coke, it with gradually soften the shell. I just worries me what all the Coke must do to teeth enamel. Now, I tend to swish a little water around my mouth after I finish drinking soda.

On those occasion when I have a itch for a cola, I probably would choose Coke. I don't particularly like sweet drinks. I need to have ice so that it dilutes the sugar. I wonder if I'd like soda better if they had real sugar in them rather than all the high fructose corn syrup junk.

It's probably a good thing. I'd like to think I'm a bit healthier not consuming a thirsty-two ouncer every day. I think I have a can of root beer in the refrigerator at home that's been there for... months. Maybe.

Eyeing the cradle

My class has ended. It was a good group of people. Most of the class together has been together for multiple course, so there 's a great rapport among the majority. It gave the class a lighter attitude and provided a comfortable atmosphere. As one guy commented, he's not here for the grade, he's here because it's a place to meet interesting people who may be different.

One guy I noticed from last quarter is Shanghai. He always sat on the opposite side of the room from me, but he articulate voice and perfect pronunciation got my attention. There's a certain type of guy that I am attracted to very quickly, and he fits that mold. He's young, Asian, and I like his glasses. I get a sense he is passionate about his interested, and he seems very smart. Well, okay, sometimes he's asked odd questions which demonstrate either he's not paying close attention in class or there are things about life about which he's still somewhat clueless.

Alas, one day, he did his oral presentation and talked about how he still laments over the Transformers toy that his mother made him give to a younger cousin. The minute he expressed his interest in Transformers and boasted over the fact that his Optimus Prime was an original, I knew he had to be almost a decade younger than me. Eeck. I really felt old.

"Damn," I thought, "this is what it's like when my guy friends fawn over cute young girls?" We make fun of BurningMan because he prefers dating younger women. He's 33. His last girlfriend was 25. At first, he freaked out to learn she was that much younger. He even considered breaking it off. But he got over that, and they even lived together for six months before she headed out for her Peace Corps project. Lately, friends say interested in girls who are barley out of college. He's not a creepy guy necessarily, just unconventional. The point is, dating too far outside of my age range just seems weird. It's not me.

Still, I think about Shanghai. Nothing wrong with browsing right? In this current session, Shanghi hasn't been around much. I think he's been studying for a professional exam, so he's only been showing up for quizzes and presentations. He recognizes me, he says "hello," but we don't really chat much. Sigh, how I wish I were 26 again. Pickings aren't as good at my age. Only in hindsight do I feel like there were so many more choices back then.

Spontaneous Opera

For lunch sometimes, I like to get out of the building and walk down the block to a city park. The park is next door to a well-known high-tech company full of young and ambitious people. I often see groups playing soccer, practicing martial arts, or playing ultimate on the grassy field.

I like to go and enjoy a little sun and fresh air. I have lofty dreams of getting asked out as I sit on the park bench, but the odds are low. It's nice to get away from the computer and listen to the wind blow.

One time, I sat on a park bench reading a travel book. Behind me, I could detect the faint sound of music. It was a man singing what I gradually realized was opera. When I turned around, I realized it was actually a live person, not just some car blasting music.

The guy cut through the park, singing some operatic piece, walking along as if nothing were out of the ordinary. I couldn't help stare a bit wondering the occasion for this show. He headed for an Acura parked on the curb. Never did he pause in his singing. I'm no opera expert, but it sounded pretty good. He opened his trunk and one of the rear passenger doors. I think he glanced my way briefly as he went about his business.

I was intrigued that he would sing so loudly in public. A few cars passed by, but there were no other pedestrians in the area. Sure, people sing when they're in a happy mood, but how often do you hear someone belt out opera walking down the street?

By the time he closed the trunk and locked the doors, I realized that he had changed clothes. Nothing fancy but better than a t-shirt and he was also carrying a garment bag. Headed back towards the building, he continued his operatic tune. Sometime just after he passed me, he stopped. Either he finished or was near enough to the building that he decided to wrap it up.

I should have clapped. I hope I get to hear him again sometime.

Did you have to bring that up?

These days, more and more companies are developing security enhancement for their online customer accounts. Today, I logged into one of my accounts to find them wanting some new information from me. There's a certain set of questions from which I am accustomed to choosing:

- What's your pet's name?
- What's your mother's maiden name?
- What was your first telephone number?
- Where were you born?
- What's your driver's license number?
- What's your favorite color?
- Where did you go to school?

That was roughly the first set of questions I was given. I fully expected to see the same list for my second security question. To my surprise, I was given a totally different list. A list that, frankly, I didn't really like.

- What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? You know, some of us really don't want to remember the correct answer.
- In what city were you married? Yeah, can't answer that one.
- In what city were you born? Easy enough.
- in what city was your father born? Actually, I'm not sure.
- What is the first name of the best man at your wedding? Yeah, ahem, just keep rubbing it in.

Call me oversensitive but since when did companies start getting into your marital status? I know, they need to ask more unique questions other than "what's your favorite color?" to prevent hackers. How about other unique things like team mascots, favorite cities, coldest/hottest city visited, nickname your parents call you, first/current vehicle model, name of your best friend, when you were a kid what you wanted to grow up to be?

Of course, if people were really smart, they wouldn't provide the right answer and choose words that no one would ever enter as a response. And I'm not talking about putting down "none" or "1234." So maybe I should pick the last question and put down "Kermit" as my answer. ;)

Don't wear nice clothes, he spits

This weekend was unintentionally busy. It seems prior to every weekend I think it'll be a chance to relax and do nothing for half a day. The past two weekends, it's been nothing like that.

Saturday I did some hiking with friends. We're going camping in a couple weeks, and that trip included an all-day hike that will be fairly strenuous. We knew we all needed to get our feet and legs into shape. It was a decent hike, though we ended up taking an easier trail since people were getting tired.

The 9am hike basically turned into an all-day event. After the hike, we had brunch. Then, we walked around the quaint little town we were in, strolling through the nice furniture shops and touristy antique stores. We laughed about all the little things they had for sale and how you could probably buy much of the stuff at a garage sale for a quarter of the price!

I really wanted to nap by the time I got home, but I promised my friend that we'd meet to work on our oral presentation for our class. We're using photos from the vacation as the source of our little narrative. It'll be fun, though we ended up with a crazy number of pictures for a 5-minute presentation.

In the evening, I rejoined my friends for dinner. We ate at this new Korean BBQ place. It wasn't at all what anyone expected. The place was 3-months new, well-lit, clean, and not at all smokey. The wall was a modern design with a backlight that gradually changed colors all night. The grill were set into the table and had the fan on the sides of the grill so no smoke every rose up from the table. It was kind of odd thinking the smell of smoke wouldn't be in our hair and clothes after leaving the restaurant.

Sunday was a baby day. I chatted with my friend, Sister, who's been on maternity leave, enjoying her little boy. We're trying to meet up while I'm in town for a business trip. I will only be there one night, so it'll be a little tricky to meet littleJ before he falls asleep.

Then, I met up with an old high school friend, Bragh, who was visiting town with her three-month old. We catch up probably once a year though there were a number of years we didn't do much more than exchange Xmas cards (though I think only I was sending anything). She also invited another high school classmate, Epiphany, to join us. It's someone from the year above us, but we were all on the speech and debate team. He brought along his wife and 16-month son.

Getting ready, I debated what to wear. Do I show off a little and dress better, or just throw on whatever jeans and t-shirt was at the foot of my bed? In the end, I figured if I had the chance to hold the baby, he might drool. I opted for the decent but older knit shirt.

I arrived first. I wanted to put down my name for the waitlist, but honestly had no idea how many people were coming. Both families arrived at about the same time, only a couple minutes after the hour. Knowing they'd take awhile to get the kids out of the cars, I got a quick headcount and put my name down for a table.

When our table was ready, I stood back to let the seating arrangement take shape. Usually, I see the kid and parent straddle a corner of the table for easy reach. I figured I'd take which ever chair was vacant. That put me between Epiphany's son and Bragh's husband. Epiphany's wife jokingly apologized upfront fearing any wild swings of a food-covered spoon during the meal from Will. I assured her my choice of clothing was exactly for that reason. Other than some spoon drumming, Will was a good kid. I had to pick up his sippy cup several times, but he stayed content eating his fruit.

It was a bit surreal at times having breakfast. I didn't totally feel like a fish out of water. In fact, I can talk about kids and babies as if I have one. Sometimes my guy friends think it strange I know so much. It's just a fact of being around so many mothers at work. You learn from all their conversations and venting about pregnancy and child-rearing.

Bragh's son spits up A LOT. I about their experiments with all brands of baby formula. Costco brand turned into something oatmealish when it came back up, so they've sworn off that kind. It's funny how they've become pretty good at sensing when he'll spit up (like little burps). Epiphany's son learned to refuse formula just by the smell. They were both pretty healthy kids. They shared stories about potential bed rest and struggles with breastfeeding.

Women's bodily functions become public knowledge once you have a baby. The husbands didn't seen at all phased by the brunch discussion. It's refreshing to be able to share such things, but I supposed it has it's oddness.

The one thought that never occurred to me until the mothers laughed about it was that no moment is private. Even when you need to go to the bathroom, you take your child with you. I'm trying to imagine holding a child while peeing... ugh. As they get older, you also need to entertain them. Will was taught to help mom by pulling off a couple squares of toilet paper. That changed one day when she was getting dressed and saw a trail of toilet paper leading from the bathroom, across the room, and into the closet. ;)

They asked about my job and stuff, but politely avoided asking about my love life. I guess it was kind of a relief. A part of me wanted it to come up so that maybe I could see if Epiphany could introduce me to some successful Google friends, but guys rarely think about helping set up people.

All in all, it was a fun morning. It's wonderful to see old friends and enjoy how their lives have evolved and grown. Baby smiles are priceless.

The rest of the day, I ran some errands, bought some trekking poles off craigslist, and met up with my friend for more presentation preparation. The best part of the day was laying out on the couch for three hours watching the mini-series "Battlestar Galactica" (the modern version, not the 1970s tv show). I'm dying to get home to finish the last hour of the series.

Cat talk

How do you explain to a neighbor's feline that freshly killed, LARGE roaches are not a gift that human females enjoy finding on the driveway in the morning?

It's that, or these roaches somehow understand that resting in the direct path of a automobile tire is an effective way to commit suicide. Yuck!

I guess it's better than last summer when I kept finding dead ones left on my welcome mat. Good morning!

Traveling with a bachelor

It's been a week since my vacation. I went with a friend of mine, a guy friend who I've known for more than 10 years. He's a few years older than me and single. Long ago we explored the idea of dating and concluded that we were not compatible. You could say it was like going with a male cousin or something.

We traveled together about three years ago. For the most part we got along, but some minor tensions eventually built up, primarily due to his frustrations with the tour guide and my frustration with his unwillingness to plan ahead. He was tired of not being able to understand the tour guide who was speaking more in Chinese to make the other people in our tiny tour group happy, plus he got a one day stomach thing. I was mad because we tromped around a little town for a several hours, carrying all of our bags, looking for a hotel that was acceptable to him, shadowed by an annoying Chinese woman trying to get credit for whatever hotel we visited. I was annoyed, but I quietly went along with it because I had agreed to it before the trip. Still, I think it was pretty obvious to him that I was less than happy with the situation. We didn't come to blows or raise our voices, but suffice to say we spent a day doing our own things.

This time, I made sure to address any potential sources of conflict before leaving the country. I reminded him of our different travel styles and expressed my desire to have some kind of agreement in place before signing up for the trip with him. I made it clear that he was welcome to wait until we reached town to find a hotel, but that I would be making a reservation for myself. After a week, he came back to me with a story about how he's learned that his style of travel has made others uncomfortable in recent years. He decided to wholeheartedly go with whatever plan I put forth.

When it came to the tour group, I let him assume most responsibilities such as paying tips to the drivers and tour guides, getting keys to our hotel room, basic travel arrangements. I'm always on time, he's always late. There were times it was a little frustrating to be the last ones to board the bus in the morning. He disliked the fact that most of the group was always early or on time. Sometimes, it was also tough to know what to do when we had say 30 minutes to explore before needing to return to the bus. I felt like I had to stay with him (hence why I should have remembered my wristwatch).

The most striking thing for me was learning and thinking about the time we spent in the hotel room together. It made me think about what it must be like and what is required to live with someone else. As two people who have been single for some time, our individual habits and preferences were clear.

Little things:
- finding stubble in the sink (yuck)
- who chooses what television station to watch (I let him watch the basketball)
- finding stuff placed on top of your toothbrush (okay, I should have put it away better)
- staying up when the other person wants to go to sleep

Bigger things:
- a girl who tends to sleep cool, a guy who likes to sleep warm (in different beds), which is reverse of what you would normally guess, causing disagreement over how to set the thermostat
- eating late and fast versus wanting to eat early and leisurely
- 8am is when you need to be at the bus, not the time to leave your hotel room
- not paying a driver's tip because you didn't see anyone else pay him (buy they did)

The other weird thing that came up or probably came to both our minds was the notion of propriety regarding dress. As I said, since I know him, I tended to be less concerned about my choice of clothing in the hotel room. If I was traveling with an acquaintance or friend's husband, I probably would have worn leggings or knee-length shorts. In the company of close friends, I feel like I can wear my short exercise shorts. Sure, the thought briefly passes through my mind, "does he sneak a peek at my ass?" But then, I let it go because guys will be guys and it's not like he's the type of guy that would say something inappropriate about it.

All in all, the trip went well (ignoring the two days he got a stomach virus from the water). I did my best to voice any concerns I had in a polite way. The only time I was frustrated with him is when I would comment about something and received no acknowledgement. Then, an hour later, he would make the same comment or ask a question that I answered in my earlier comment. Why does this happen to me? Okay, in a couple cases, I think his illness made him kind of spacey, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. My friends was good too. He always tried to be a gentleman and made sure to give me access to his dental floss each night since I'd left mine at home.

My friend and I definitely have different styles, different attitudes towards life. It was interesting to spend so much time with one person because it made me think about the compromise and patience necessary to live with someone. Granted, two weeks in hotels is not quite the same, but being in such close quarters 24/7 requires some adjustment. It was a good learning experience for me, a reminder that I can't always have my way (even though I think it's often the best way ;)). Being single, it's easy to get comfortable with doing things a certain way and forgetting to be open-minded.

And yet, I sit here wondering how much compromise is reasonable. What makes for two people who will get along well? What is too much give and take? I hate confrontation, so I worry that I let things go too much in order to keep the peace. I'm probably more guilty of that with men I'm dating versus friends. At least I'm more aware now.

Gotta go with the gut

During my time away, I let a lot of worries go. It was nice to feel like I had a clear head. There was no such thing as work, no such thing as dating (well, almost if you ignore everyone refering to my friend as my husband).

However, there were enough times my mind wandered, and I worried about 1of1. I honestly dreaded the idea of him waiting to call me when I returned home. Part of it is attributable to the fact that I feel little chemistry. Part of it is discomfort from the guilt of continuing to date him knowing that he's more interested than I am.

When I look back at e-mails we've exchanged and compare them to others I've dated, one thing stands out that *may* explain the lack of connection - humor. I'm no comedian; I'm pretty slow at humor and tend to take my cues from others. One of the characteristics that draws me to people is some sign of humor or flirtation be it in their writing or conversations with me. This is true of the Strategist, KT, Tim, and others who I've dated. That just isn't here with 1of1. Sure, we laugh, but it's not... endearing. All his e-mails are interactive and factual but offer nothing playful. Our conversations are similar though maybe a little more interesting. This isn't necessarily THE reason, just an explanation that seems plausible. I simply think the two of us combined makes for one big yawn.

What it boils down to is that I'm not happy. I kept trying to ask myself whether more time would change things. Perhaps I would learn to appreciate him and grow to like him. The truth is, the idea of marrying him made me cry inside. To allow myself to surrender what I want in order to be married and make my parents happy was like dying. Relationships that don't start our with love may be okay in other cultures, but losing myself, pretending to be happy, and possibly dragging others down with me is just plain wrong.

There's no evidence that I'm right or wrong. There's no way to ever know. All I can do is got with my gut. My friends who know think I've given this a decent chance. They see that my enthusiasm is well below what I've shown in the past with other potential dates.

I'm too cowardly to talk with him. I think I'd trip over myself and say something honest but insensitive. Eventually I'll craft a polite e-mail... or, I could go out with him one last time to make sure.

Tissue everywhere

The things I learned on vacation:

- Choose travel luggage that leaves you space for sourvenirs or bring an extra bag
- Don't forget your watch
- At high altitudes, move slowly and breathe deeply
- If you awake to a black tongue, it might be from the Pepto
- American movies are everywhere
- Asian tour groups are the most obnoxious people
- When you travel with a friend of the opposite sex, everyone will automatically assume you are husband and wife
- If the tap water is not drinkable, it's not for brushing your teeth either
- Carry travel-sized liquid soap or liquid sanitizer everywhere
- Always save extra napkins or tissue for public toilets

Geeks and honesty

From the special features of the "Stranger Than Fiction" DVD:

"Geeks, if anything, are overly honest about what's true, or not. If something is true, it just has to be said."

This statement hit home for me. It reminds me of my mother's complaint that my brother are I are too honest with other people. She thinks we were raised too honest and so people take advantage of us.

It also speaks a bit to my habit of thinking aloud. I tend to inform people of facts, unsolicited, that I think are helpful to people. Unfortunately, I've learned over the years that most people who don't know me well don't appreciate my well-intentioned comments. It's a tough habit to break because my mouth moves tem times faster than my brain. Plus, it's still hard for me to sometimes understand that my "trivia" is not interesting to them.

You have no idea how hard this is for me. Everyone tells me, "say it to yourself first," or "just don't say it." It doesn't work like that. If you're used to saying, "hello" when you answer the phone, how long would it take to completely start saying something different like, "good day?" It's not the best analogy, but when you're used to something, it's tough to rewire the brain as if you're changing where you sit on the bus.

Loved this movie, by the way. The geek in me thought all the technical displays of his thoughts and counting were cool, especially in the men's restroom with the soap dispensers.

I'm off on vacation now... talk to you all after Memorial Day.

Endings and DOAs

Hopefully, you saw "Gilmore Girls" this week or else this might be a spoiler for you. I just have to say that my relationship gauges must be completely off because everyone was hoping for this while I wanted the opposite. Can someone please explain to me WHY everyone wanted to get rid of Logan?

Yes, they're too young. I agree that they both need more time to develop themselves (as much as a tv character can when a series ends), but I don't see the need to break them up. I thought they were great together, and I'm sad to see it end. So what if it got boring and syrupy between them, isn't that what we want in real life?

***************************

"Grey's Anatomy" was absolutely boring during that silly two-hour episode. Thank goodness I can multi-task and caught up on e-mail on the couch. That whole visit down to L.A. for Addison was an absolute waste of time. If the writers don't already realize the spin-off show will never take off, they're going to spend quite a bit of money with the pilot to learn the hard way.

It's too bad really. I like the cast members. Who can argue with Taye Diggs, Amy Brenneman and Tim Daly. But the setting is odd and the storylines were either boring or downright depressing. I felt like my life was fractured into the three women's storylines - no man, no baby, no life. Why the hell would I want to watch this when all I have to do is read my own journal?

I suppose I identified well with the female characters. My heart sank when Amy's character ran into her ex at the grocery store with his new wife, and when Addison learned that her eggs were depleted beyond possibility of fertility. It's depressing seeing what your life will become. Let me just suspend reality for a few more years. I like my bubble and pacifier. ;)

That burning feeling

It's my psycho time of the month, so my imbalances could be manifesting in the form of illogical desperation. Bear that in mind as you read my current line of thinking.

I met up with Strategist at a local Starbucks that he suggested. I dressed in some dark jeans and a cute, white, hippie top. He texted me to let me know he was wearing a gray t-shirt and khakis. Boy, we are talking casual here. His t-shirt was some worn, dot-com logo shirt and he wasn't even clean-shaven. It just didn't give me the sense he was very serious about the meeting.

The Starbucks line was unreasonably long, so we went around the corner to a smoothie place. We sat for about two hours chatting mostly about traveling, some about work, and some about family. He was definitely curious to know what I was like. He asked if I thought I was like my parents. He asked if I ever had pets. We had a decent time, but there's something about his demeanor that was reserved or disinterested (or just out of it). I wanted this to go well, but I honestly can't say it was anything more than friendly. He didn't say anything that indicated he wanted to see me again. So, should I wait to see if he'll contact me or do I write him back with some friendly banter? How much effort do I put in going forward?

1of1, as always, was happy to see me. I sensed a hidden boyish excitement and nervousness in him when we meet up. He may have even mentioned me to his mom (he asked if she'd heard of the company where I work). We sat for awhile, just talking. He told me about a conference he had attended during the week. I was surprised at how long he went on about it even though I'd never really asked anything regarding it in the first place.

After our stroll through the park, we stopped for restroom break at a cafe. I then suggested we stay for a drink on the patio. 1of1 was a little embarrassed to realize he'd left his wallet in his car. I happily paid for our juice, it was no big deal.

As we sat on the patio and he talked about his upcoming class reunion, I thought to myself that he's not so bad a guy - he's smart, clean, attentive. I thought, "maybe he will grow on me. Would it be so bad to be cared for by a nice guy?" We did chuckle and have a fun exchange of stories.

His height and his nerdy movements still bug me. At one point, we were talking about people in their 30s who still live with their parents. He said he has a friend who is basically "owned" by his parents. He lived away from his parents for undergrad, but otherwise has lived in the same room in his parents' house since he was a child. It's so bad that one time last year, he awoke and dressed as if he were intending to bike to school... high school that is. Then, he realized that he actually needed to drive himself to work. Yeah, *BIG SIGN* that he needs to get a place of his own.

This is when I got on my soapbox and said how I will never allow my grown children to live with me (except for short-term needs to due to finances, medical emergencies, etc.). I preached about how it's unhealthy for both sides. Now, what do you suppose 1of1 was thinking when I said this given that he's been living at home for more than two years now? Here he was commenting about friends and acquaintances of his as if they were in a different world. I asked him a little about his interactions with his mom. At one point, he paused, nodding his head, and said, "yeah, I know I need to get out. Maybe next year when my dad retires." (His dad travels for his job.) His mother thinks he should buy something now. His father thinks he should rent or stay at home until he gets married. I said nothing. Frankly, I didn't know what to say because it's just not very appealing to know all this.

Four hours passed and I decided it was time to head out. 1of1 asked if I wanted to get dinner, but I declined saying I already had plans. As we said our goodbyes, he asked if anyone was giving me a ride to the airport for my upcoming vacation. "Yikes," I thought, "this is a little soon for such a gesture." I told him my brother's giving me a lift. His hug was a little tighter this time.

Honestly, I'm dumbfounded as to what to do. The word "date" or "relationship" has never even come up in conversation. I don't feel like there's anyone I can confide with because I've gotten to a point where I'm uncomfortable revealing my dating life to my friends anymore. The married gals just don't seem to understand (or maybe they know something I don't want to hear). Tim is my best friend, but this is definitely something I can't discuss with him given our history.

When I have some time alone to think, I consider my situation. On the one hand, 1of1 does not fit the image of the man I want. It's like those factory irregulars you can buy for a discounted price. They explicitly remind you that the blemishes or flaws do not affect the performance of the product in any way. But I hate feeling like I have to settle for second best. That's when I try to ignore the little superficial things and think about what I need in a husband. I could have a nice life. Maybe it wouldn't have the passion or excitement I seek, but does that matter after a awhile?

Naturally, I start comparing guy I meet with guys I've dated. In this case, I think about two guys I've dated, both good guys but relationship where I had my doubts. There are times I think I kept myself in the earlier one because I thought he was a good candidate for marriage. He won me over with his thoughtfulness and romantic gestures. We got along well. There was nothing really wrong, but in the end he got cold feet as he realized it wasn't for him. We would have made for a nice, arranged marriage.

Then there's the ultimate comparison to Tim. He was very excited when we started dated. Admittedly, it scared me a little because he was so intense. At the same time, I'm glad he was so open about discussing the potential of the relationship. I'm not good at knowing how to bring up these topics and I didn't have to worry with him. Still, there was always this nagging feeling that he wasn't the one. We weren't in the same place, and my feelings of guilt forced me to break it off. We're best friends and I can't imagine life without him. Yet, as much as yearn for the idea, I still don't we could ever successfully get back together. Damn these unexplainable things! How much do I sabotage my chances for happiness by comparing new guys to Tim?

Between my upcoming travel and his, I figure I have a few weeks to think about the situation with 1of1. My gut says that this won't make me happy in the long run. Another side of me says that 1of1 is a good man that I should get to know better because he's someone who is compatible and would marry me. How many chances do I have left? Why pass someone up who willing to accept me and likes me the way I am just because he doesn't fit the mold? I want to be loved; I don't want to be alone anymore. Could this end up working if I stick with it a little longer?

Ever heard of the corn dilemma? You're walking through a field of corn. You must pick one ear of corn by the time you come out at the other end of the field. You may pick one and *only* one. You'll see ear after ear of big, juicy corn with perfectly straight rows of yellow kernels. So the question becomes, when do you know to pick a particular ear. I feel like I passed by the good corn and am now in a patch of slightly flawed corn, be it is small kernels, missing kernels, crooked rows, or discoloration. The edge of the field is in sight. Do I take the best among what lies in front of me, or hope that there are a few good ones left up ahead before I must exit the field?

Maybe I should ask my therapist for some mind-quieting medication...

Test of like

As I've been trying to figure out what to do with my dates, some questions have come to mind. When you're unsure about someone you've met, is that in and of itself enough of a feeling to say, "this isn't going to work out?"

(And note, these are to be distinguished from answers that people could give due that are driven by underlying pretentiousness, vanity, infatuation, obsession or other things that aren't love.)

Good things to ask yourself after a few dates:

1) Would you want to introduce him to your friends?

2) How do you feel about kissing him?

3) When you see it's him calling, how do you react?

4) How far ahead do you feel comfortable including him in your plans?

Any other suggestions you have from experience that you found are good indicators for relationships?

Why I don't like talking to her

Whenever I watch television shows like Gilmore Girls, I wish I had a better relationship with my mother. Granted, the Gilmores are an ideal case which I doubt reflects the average mother-daughter relationships. I imagine most of my friends have a decent relationship with their mothers, but there's always some degree of parental antagonism.

I probably talk to my mother every two to three weeks. Usually, it's my mother calling me because they haven't heard from me in awhile. Yes, I'm a bad daughter, but it's just not fun sometimes to talk with her. For my own sanity, I tend to minimize my interactions with her. I've learned over the years to edit the personal information I share with her.

----

During a recent conversation, she was telling me how she's been keeping herself busy now that she has retired. Ever since she announced her retirement plans, I had been concerned about exactly what she'd do to keep herself busy. Other than work, she didn't have many hobbies or activities other than gardening, cooking, watching soap operas and sleeping. The worst thing is seeing people retire and become bored or depressed over the lack of mental activity and loss of human interaction that comes with not working.

I was happy to hear that she taken up calligraphy classes. As a child, she never worked very hard to write characters. She simply treated it as a homework assignment. Now, she wants to improve her technique and is even encouraging my father to join her in class.

Then she asked me as if she'd forgotten, "what class are you taking now?"

"I'm taking the next language class."

"Why? You aren't speaking any better since taking the last class."

A bit taken a back I responded, "I think it's helps me remember more words and understand grammar better. It's just helpful to practice speaking regularly with others. Besides, I want to learn to read and write a little."

"That's not something that's going to be very useful to you."

Yeah, this is why talking to her is just not healthy sometimes. Her incredulity about anything I do is so frustrating. Why couldn't she have me a simple question like, "What have you learned?" Even if she didn't care at all, how about just saying, "That's nice." Basically, I was told that I can't speak a darn and that I can't learn. Gee, was she this encouraging when I was growing up?

The next day, I told Tim about my conversation. He's seen me get upset before after conversation with my mother. He doesn't have the highest opinion of her. He laughed and said, "your mother's lame."

I inquired, "Am I ever like that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do I make comments like that to people?"

"No, never."

"Okay, good. I'm worried I've picked up some of her habits."

Curious and suspicious

My mother passed this flyer along to me. On one hand, I could see that she knows I like the outdoors and is passing this along out of interest. On the other hand, when I saw that this is being marketed to children in their 30s and 40s, I couldn't help think this is some subtle way of giving me a way to meeting other potential single people (i.e. MEN).

The forwarding message reads, "One of our classmate (Jean Hsu) is volunteering her time and energy organizing a wonderful outing for our next generation.... those who are in their 30's and 40's. Please read the attached invitation."

Volunteering? They charge money for this... how is this considered volunteering?

Maybe I'm being overly suspicious. I just think is funny and peculiar. I don't think I'm the right target audience for this. Who needs someone to organize a trip like this? I'd just grab so friends and go myself. A trip to Sequoia does sound nice.

******

As for the dating front, I'm waiting to hear back from the last of the guys I contacted when I was going through "my consultant." Yes, I ended my subscription (for now).

My weekend dinner with 1of1 went fine. We ate so early (6:30pm) that there was no one in the restaurant. We walked through the downtown as we chatted. The evening was pleasant. I say that in a polite sort of way. It's not like I was excited to be there nor did I dread being in his presence. We get along; we probably have many similar qualities. At the same time, I wonder if our similarities are why things are a bit... boring? I feel very mellow around him. Where's the the playfulness, anticipation, a sense of energy?

I've tried to be very good about not analyzing the situation too much. He's a nice fellow and if I were simply looking for a mate, this would be something to pursue, but I'm not sure my heart's in it. He's definitely interested. During every date, I can tell he's searching for ideas to plan the next. He asked me if I ever go to museums. (Can you guess what he's proposed for this weekend?) Really, it's nice to see someone thoughtful about dating and insisting on paying for everything. It's unfortunately lost on me in his particular case.

At this point, the height issue still stands, but I think there's more to my lack of enthusiasm. I'm not finding that chemistry and connection I seek. When I think about continuing to go on dates with 1of1, I ask myself if I can imagine kissing him in the next month. Well, I can imagine him trying to kiss me, but it's not a pleasing thought. That's can't be a good sign. My gut tells me that this isn't going to work out. I'm trying to be open. People can grow on each other right? I will go on another date with him, but I need to figure things out before he gets too attached.

The Strategist has sent a couple more e-mails. He seems more interesting than 1of1, but he seems less interested than 1of1. Since our one phone call, nothing much has happened. There are long gaps in communication which I've learned naturally happen when you really purely on e-mails too long. I'm tired of just e-mailing; it's not going anywhere. So this time I wrote back and suggest we meet up for a drink or snack. His lack of interest (or indecision) makes me think it's time to answer the chemistry question. This should settle things once and for all; either we're done or we hang out more.

He wrote back saying the weekend would probably work. Okay, could you suggest a time or day? I wrote back saying my mornings were out and asked if there was another time that worked. Finally, he wrote back with two rough time slots. Do you think he'll actually be proactive enough to suggest a time and place to meet when I reply? I thought guys know they're supposed to date plans more than 24 hours ahead of time.

Peeve moment over. It's no big deal. I need to remember "just enjoy the ride." I'll survive regardless of whether or not either of these guys turn out to be anything good.

I fear her life

Awhile back, I was part of a group skip trip. While cleaning up dinner leftovers, Bear was talking with Burning Man. My ears perked up when he mentioned KR and Lenny. He emphasized how much of a big loser he thinks Lenny is and how no one could understand why KR married him. No one was too surprised they ended up divorced. He continued to mention that she is now pregnant followed by a smirkish laugh.

"She's expecting?" I interrupted. "Did she get remarried?"

"No," Bear said, "she got pregnant with some guy and is going to have the baby alone."

His tone was a bit comical and... as if he were raising his eyebrows in awe and scandal. I probably reacted with a bit of surprise.

Bear then added, "I think this will be good for her," with all seriousness and sincerity.

This information really hit home for me. I don't know why, but I could just imagine Bear saying this about me someday. In fact, I felt like he was talking about me, like it was a preview of my future.

Here's a little background on KR. I've only met her once, so I can't speak to her personality. Anything I know is second hand from people like Bear and TJ who are in her circles. Ten years ago, she was a popular woman. She was always involved with someone. There were times when she was juggling two men at the same time - one new and one kind of on the way out. I believe she has even turned down a marriage proposal or two.

Lenny was someone who had been interested in her for several years. She had always rejected his advances. People didn't see much in him. She moved away for awhile to attend business school on the East Coast. A couple years after returning to the area, everyone was stunned to learn that she was marrying Lenny.

After two years, they got divorced. I didn't hear much about it. That was maybe one or two years ago. And now, she's a single, pregnant woman.

As I said, I don't know KR. Certainly, my life was never like hers with marriage proposals and men in hot pursuit. I can only surmise her reasons for marrying Lenny. My guess? That she was 35-36 and feeling the pressure of getting hitched and listening to the tick of her biological clock. She took the sure thing in a decent man who wanted to be with her. Maybe she thought friendship was enough or that she would grow to love him. Perhaps I'm just projecting my own fears onto her.

Whatever the reason, the relationship didn't work out. On the edge of 40, she continued to date men and got pregnant. In some ways, maybe it's a good thing because this might be her last chance at having a child. I hope everything works out well for her.

This is where my parallel to her lies. I'm now 36 and single. I'm willing to bet that I no longer ovulate monthly. My guess is I skip two months each year, and that will only happen more with age. My opportunities are fading.

When I meet men, I struggle with finding what I want versus what I need. On one hand, it would be so easy to just find a nice guy and go with the flow. On the other hand, I don't know that an amiable marriage leads to a good life. The fact is I'm worn down from the years of unsuccessful dating. I'm tired, I lonely, I've lost my faith in true love.

I fear holding my standards so high that no man will ever seem like the ONE. I fear making a foolish decision out of desperation. I fear finding myself in a situation where I "accidentally" get pregnant because I'm out of options and out of time. I fear becoming fuel for gossip and whispers among my friends and acquaintances.