Thursday, May 31, 2007

Gotta go with the gut

During my time away, I let a lot of worries go. It was nice to feel like I had a clear head. There was no such thing as work, no such thing as dating (well, almost if you ignore everyone refering to my friend as my husband).

However, there were enough times my mind wandered, and I worried about 1of1. I honestly dreaded the idea of him waiting to call me when I returned home. Part of it is attributable to the fact that I feel little chemistry. Part of it is discomfort from the guilt of continuing to date him knowing that he's more interested than I am.

When I look back at e-mails we've exchanged and compare them to others I've dated, one thing stands out that *may* explain the lack of connection - humor. I'm no comedian; I'm pretty slow at humor and tend to take my cues from others. One of the characteristics that draws me to people is some sign of humor or flirtation be it in their writing or conversations with me. This is true of the Strategist, KT, Tim, and others who I've dated. That just isn't here with 1of1. Sure, we laugh, but it's not... endearing. All his e-mails are interactive and factual but offer nothing playful. Our conversations are similar though maybe a little more interesting. This isn't necessarily THE reason, just an explanation that seems plausible. I simply think the two of us combined makes for one big yawn.

What it boils down to is that I'm not happy. I kept trying to ask myself whether more time would change things. Perhaps I would learn to appreciate him and grow to like him. The truth is, the idea of marrying him made me cry inside. To allow myself to surrender what I want in order to be married and make my parents happy was like dying. Relationships that don't start our with love may be okay in other cultures, but losing myself, pretending to be happy, and possibly dragging others down with me is just plain wrong.

There's no evidence that I'm right or wrong. There's no way to ever know. All I can do is got with my gut. My friends who know think I've given this a decent chance. They see that my enthusiasm is well below what I've shown in the past with other potential dates.

I'm too cowardly to talk with him. I think I'd trip over myself and say something honest but insensitive. Eventually I'll craft a polite e-mail... or, I could go out with him one last time to make sure.


mini said...

If you don't feel it, you just don't feel it. Things like this would nag at me down the road, and I'd notice the yawns more and more often, and they would grate on me more and more. If you're not excited about him now, when will you be?

lincldad said...

So, why don't you just hang on to this ear of corn (without taking a bite) while looking for a better ear? Just don't prepare this ear for cooking. If anything, it'll keep the rust from forming. lol, wasn't that just a barrel of puns?

teahouse said...

"The idea of marrying him made me cry inside."

Girl, that's how you know that you shouldn't go out with him one last time to make sure!!! Your own words hold the answer.

Pandax said...

And that's why I sent him an e-mail that same evening saying that I didn't feel enough any chemistry beyond friendship then wished him well. It's such relief to know that I won't have to avoid his phone call again.

zerodoll said...

the whole original post and your relief at sending the email tells you all you need to know. don't look back. :)