Tuesday, May 01, 2007

I fear her life

Awhile back, I was part of a group skip trip. While cleaning up dinner leftovers, Bear was talking with Burning Man. My ears perked up when he mentioned KR and Lenny. He emphasized how much of a big loser he thinks Lenny is and how no one could understand why KR married him. No one was too surprised they ended up divorced. He continued to mention that she is now pregnant followed by a smirkish laugh.

"She's expecting?" I interrupted. "Did she get remarried?"

"No," Bear said, "she got pregnant with some guy and is going to have the baby alone."

His tone was a bit comical and... as if he were raising his eyebrows in awe and scandal. I probably reacted with a bit of surprise.

Bear then added, "I think this will be good for her," with all seriousness and sincerity.

This information really hit home for me. I don't know why, but I could just imagine Bear saying this about me someday. In fact, I felt like he was talking about me, like it was a preview of my future.

Here's a little background on KR. I've only met her once, so I can't speak to her personality. Anything I know is second hand from people like Bear and TJ who are in her circles. Ten years ago, she was a popular woman. She was always involved with someone. There were times when she was juggling two men at the same time - one new and one kind of on the way out. I believe she has even turned down a marriage proposal or two.

Lenny was someone who had been interested in her for several years. She had always rejected his advances. People didn't see much in him. She moved away for awhile to attend business school on the East Coast. A couple years after returning to the area, everyone was stunned to learn that she was marrying Lenny.

After two years, they got divorced. I didn't hear much about it. That was maybe one or two years ago. And now, she's a single, pregnant woman.

As I said, I don't know KR. Certainly, my life was never like hers with marriage proposals and men in hot pursuit. I can only surmise her reasons for marrying Lenny. My guess? That she was 35-36 and feeling the pressure of getting hitched and listening to the tick of her biological clock. She took the sure thing in a decent man who wanted to be with her. Maybe she thought friendship was enough or that she would grow to love him. Perhaps I'm just projecting my own fears onto her.

Whatever the reason, the relationship didn't work out. On the edge of 40, she continued to date men and got pregnant. In some ways, maybe it's a good thing because this might be her last chance at having a child. I hope everything works out well for her.

This is where my parallel to her lies. I'm now 36 and single. I'm willing to bet that I no longer ovulate monthly. My guess is I skip two months each year, and that will only happen more with age. My opportunities are fading.

When I meet men, I struggle with finding what I want versus what I need. On one hand, it would be so easy to just find a nice guy and go with the flow. On the other hand, I don't know that an amiable marriage leads to a good life. The fact is I'm worn down from the years of unsuccessful dating. I'm tired, I lonely, I've lost my faith in true love.

I fear holding my standards so high that no man will ever seem like the ONE. I fear making a foolish decision out of desperation. I fear finding myself in a situation where I "accidentally" get pregnant because I'm out of options and out of time. I fear becoming fuel for gossip and whispers among my friends and acquaintances.

1 comment:

zerodoll said...

if it's the right thing for you, don't worry about the rumors and gossip; that will always happen regardless of what you do.