Wednesday, May 07, 2008

When being too nice makes for no plans

I *really* *really* should be working right now, but I need to get this off my mind for a little while.

Despite the fact that the main wedding planning is going well, I seem to be sprouting bits of bad luck when it comes to bridesmaids and bridal showers. First, there was the uncomfortable situation of my childhood best friend wanting to be a bridesmaid despite learning that she'd be 8.5 months pregnant by the time of the wedding. Without outright telling her I changed my mind, I had to give her strong reasons to consider not attending the wedding 400 miles away from her doctor and hospital. The logic of not coming to my wedding only started to sink in after discussing it with her husband and local friends. In the end, it worked out because her due date was moved up and she's staying put.

Now, I've got another sticky wicket. Nvy was the first to offer to throw me a shower. This was back in March when I first told her the good news. The following week, Childhood BF also offered. When I found out there was a risk CBF could not attend, I asked my other close friend to be in the wedding. She also offered to host. I really can't complain about having three wonderful friends offer to host a shower for me except for one fact, none of them live within four hours of me.

I thought I had it all worked out. CBF and alternate bridesmaid would host near my home town and I'd ask Nvy to come up and host here with the help of a local friend. It seemed the like the best arrangement seeing as how I want to avoid making CBF travel during pregnancy and AltBM is traveling from the East Coast so I want her to be able to see her family during here trip to the West Coast. That would create a small 5-7 person away shower and a 14-18 person local shower.

Now, now that's not quite what's going to happen. Nvy and her husband were in a business with another person. This other person, RzrBurn, has gone a little psycho over the years. We all know each other from grad school. Suffice to say, RzrBurn married psycho wife who married him for his money, realized he wasn't really rich, and drove him nuts. Now that the divorce is not going his way, he's doing all he can to bankrupt himself so that she gets nothing. (He's also going to be defaulting on his child support.)

Unfortunately, that means he dragged down his business partners with him. Nvy and hubby are now struggling to run the business themselves without stretching themselves thin (did I mention they have two small kids). So, she obviously can't help plan a bridal shower with all that's going on. She feels awful about it, but it's no one's fault. How could anyone possibly predict such a crappy outcome from a man who was once considered a friend?

So now what? I already suggested to AltBM that I'd make it convenient by having a shower near home for her. But that means that I don't have anyone to give me a shower where I live now, where most of my friends live. I feel awkward at the thought of asking her to change her plans and come here for the shower. Yet, I feel like I should have a litte leeway as the bride to do what works best for me.

The alternative is to ask a friend here to help out. But the whole point of a shower is for someone to offer. I can't ask, that's not proper etiquette. I feel completely awkward doing that. ARGH. I have had a couple people offer to help me with the "anything" for wedding in general, but I don't know if that amounts to permission to ask them to organize the shower versus simply stuffing invitation envelopes.

I'm kind of kicking myself for trying so hard to accommodate everyone else since now I feel like I've left myself in a pathetic position. So what's the politically correct, Emily Post way to make things work?

1 comment:

zerodoll said...

i think, unfortunately, that you're right; there is no way, etiquette-wise, to ask for someone to help with a shower. i had three people offer to host one and only one came through, with just two weeks to go to the wedding. i fully expected not to have any shower at all at the point when it happened, and that was ok. i think having a far away one should be enough, invite the friends and whoever can make it, can make it.