Oops, I'm wondering if I lacked sensitivity in my response to someone. Whatever I said, he decided that he no longer wants to exchange e-mails with me. The guy wasn't ideal as he was quite tall, overweight (according to him), and not Asian. You know how I've been trying to keep an open mind about meeting men.
His profile sounded decent. Nothing remarkable, just "sweet," "funny," "kind," and intelligent. He mentioned not being much of a book reader and losing a significant amount of weight to make him comfortable with his appearance but needing to lose more. The weight thing made me wonder, but his picture didn't make it look like he was unusually large.
During our exchanges, he sent me three questions. I'm pretty sure my answers to two of the questions were fine. It was one personal question that proved tricky: "I've lost 70lbs+ so far and have about 60lbs to go. I workout most days and am steadily progressing towards my goal. Is my current weight an issue (as I have a strong desire to lose it?)"
Soon after I hit "send," I considered that my reply may have been a little blunt and not well thought out:
"It's really difficult to say. I'd admire your determination and goal of being healthy. I guess I'd have to understand more what led you to be overweight in the first place and what encouraged you to change that. Being a petite person, I certainly would be a bit concerned about being with someone signficantly larger than me. I want to be open-minded, but I can't promise anything."
Isn't it fair that I wonder why he chose to lose the weight? Perhaps I should have mentioned that I thought his photos looked fine right after I said that I am open-minded. I don't want to guarantee that I'm going to find him attractive when I meet him by saying that his weight is not an issue. That to me would be making false promises. Should I have told a white lie to answer the question? This is why I fear no one wants me. I'm just trying to be honest, but it always seems to come off badly.
A couple things were on my mind at the time I wrote my reply was our exchange of dislikes. One, that we both had in common was that [we] "can't stand someone who is overweight." That he chose to put that on his list confounded me since he himself indicated being overweight up until recently. It seemed a little hypocritical to say that. He should be able to understand someone else who is struggling with their weight. Did I miss understand the information he shared with me?
Even more perplexing to me is that he wants someone who "cares about the way they look and dress and has a sense of personal style." Did he think this way when he was overweight? Does he think this way now because of his new found build? Okay, maybe I'm being a bit insensitive and inappropriate but that comment doesn't match his pictures. I'm not really sure if he's simply talking about not dressing slovenly or actually dressing in more fashionable, pressed clothing. It could be nothing.
I'm not really disappointed about this loss. Frankly, I've kept myself from getting too excited about any man. This guy wasn't ideal to begin with. The important thing for me at this stage is to figure out how to be myself and be interesting to these matches in hopes of improving my relationship skills. Hesistating after sending this indicates that I probably should have written out my answer and slept on it before hitting send. I do feel a little idiotic.
Not a week goes by when I don't find a way to put my foot in my mouth. Perhaps I should learn to count to five before speaking. I feel like I need someone to hold my hand through this entire dating process and monitor every little step I take, but I also know that if I'm going to have a healthy relationship someday, I need to figure out how to "survive" on my own.
Ugh, I hate hormones. This combined with a bunch other things today is making me crazy. As I sat at work today feeling purposeless, I realized why - because that time of the month is coming. I do tend to notice a slight bit of depression during this time. As lucky as I know I have been in my life - right now I'm really hating everything. I hate my life, I hate myself especially, and feel like nothing's ever going to change. No one wants me. I suck. I think this is especially why nothing feels right to me. You can only imagine all the stupid ideas running through my head right now.
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4 comments:
honesty is almost always better, and sometimes there's no way around coming off as blunt. i mean, he did ask you point blank about his weight. it's not like you said, apropos of nothing, "hey, you're fat and i hate you!"
he seems insecure about his weight, and insecurity can be a bore. as well, i agree that it's rather hypocritical that while he himself is overweight, he should put such emphasis on personal appearance.
AND the fact that he says that he couldn't stand being with someone who was overweight. obviously he really hates something in himself.
sometimes i admire bluntness. in real life situations, i'm often too accomodating and get sucked into undesirable situations.
I'm new to your blog so I don't that much about you, but after reading this post I have to say -- breathe. Its ok to have opionions. Don't hate your life just because you are PMSing. Go easy on yourself.
I agree..take it easy and try to take a step back and see it for what it is - a first date that will at best be fun and lead to something else, and at worst be no fun and lead to a great and funny blog post! Keep us updated...
hmm ... you were honest. It seemed like the issue was a real sore-spot for him. Additionally, because he's already sensitive to issues of weight, he probably read into your comment more than you ever intended. Intonation and connotations are usually lost over email, so it would have been easy for him to misinterpret your tone as being more insensitive than honest.
i think you were right to not brush over the issue and make promises that you have no idea whether or not you can keep.
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