Sunday, January 14, 2007

Thankful for a man with a scruffy face

When Tim came over the other night, he asked if I had any New Year's resolutions. I told him, "no," though my mind had wondered if technically the dating thing counts. I turned to question around on him. He didn't really seem to have an answer either.

Then I suggested, "gonna find a girlfriend?"

"Yup, that's what I'm gonna do," he responded with a hint of sarcasm. "I'm gonna ask a girl out and say, 'hey babe, wanna be my ex-girlfriend?'"

I can't tell if he's serious about dating. He mentioned something about a girl at his company last week. It's always hard to tell what he's really thinking when it comes to dating.

Later, he commented that he doesn't expect anyone to want him. When I asked him why, he explained that during the Vegas trip, the gals were talking about their requirements. Sable had a very specific set of attributes she was looking for: tall, plays volleyball, [blah, blah, blah]. Tim observed, "I'm not very tall. Girls don't want a short guy because then the kids will be short."

I tried to reassure him he's fine. Tim's on the cusp of being short versus the low end of average height for guys. Sadly, I know he's right. When I've scanned women's profiles on Match in the past, I've notice that the majority of Asian women in the 28-24 range wanted men 5' 10" and up. It wasn't a very scientific study, but I definitely recall less than 20% being open to guys shorter than 5'8". One woman even wrote "DON'T WRITE ME IF YOU AREN'T WITHIN THE HEIGHT RANGE LISTED." Note that most of the women I scanned were Asian and under 5'4".


When I reflect upon the past year, the one thing I am most thankful for is Tim. Except for times when one of us has been sick or out of town, we spend a couple nights each week hanging out. It's nothing special, just watching tv of playing video games. We also vacationed together.

What comes most of out of the time together is simply talking. It can be about average work happenings, an interesting news article. or making a major purchase. There is no specific moment or topic that comes to mind. My appreciation comes from knowing that I have someone with whom I am comfortable being myself. I can't say that I've ever had such a close relationship with a man. He is someone I am happy to see and do things with.

It's taught me about what I want in a relationship in terms of communication and intimacy. I can joke with him about the silliest things. We have our disagreements. I can act snippety, he can be dismissive with me. Regardless of how much we upset each other, eventually, we address it and move on.

Granted, it's different with Tim because I don't feel the pressure of being in a dating relationship. But I think that's the point. I believe the reason some of my previous relationships with boyfriends failed because I feared being myself. My preoccupation with making the relationship "successful" blinded me from seeing that the relationship wasn't growing.

I have to remind myself that it's not all my fault. Certainly, I can think of when my boyfriends failed to acknowledge a problem when I gave them the chance. Sadly, the problem probably got past the point of repair.

There's no way for me to describe in words all the love I have for Tim. He is a great friend. I can't imagine not having him in my life. For whatever reason, we have found a way to enjoy each other's company and work through our differences. No one is perfect. I know my rants of self-pity get annoying (like fussing about a broken spoon). His humor often turns a frown rather than a laugh from me (making fun of why my ex dumped me). We know these things about each other because we call each other on it.

I understand why friends find it strange we aren't a couple. I question it myself at times. Am I tricking myself into believing differently than why I feel? My gut says I'm doing the right thing. I know Tim would question any change in my feelings as being about my biological clock ticking rather than a sincere desire.

Ignoring all that confusion and endless discussion, I am happy to have this experience. I hope that I can apply the growth I've achieved from this friendship to a healthy, long-term relationship someday.

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