Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Engaging myself

Out of curiosity, I tried logging into some of the newer, lesser known dating sites. It's going to be challenging for any of them to gain much traction against existing sites. My filter turned up one page of men unless I widened my prefences for multiple traits (especially ethnicity and religion). The market is saturated and the novelty of the premise has subsided. New companies must devise novel and convincing methods for making compatible matches. I still haven't gotten myself online. Putting up a profile is the easy part, psyching myself up to interact with men is another story. I'm skeptical, uncomfortable, scared, and untrusting - not the best mindset to have for online dating.

Tonight, I'm going... bowling. A friend of Chi's (from college), Cat Hair, is going to an alumni event and invited me to join her. It's an ivy league gathering. I know it shouldn't matter, but that intimidates me a bit. I'm not dumb, but I doubt I would have been accepted to one of those schools if I had applied. I'm scared I'll be totally unable to relate or contribute to the conversations.

This lends to a whole stream of thought about how inferior I feel to friends and acquaintances with whom I regularly interact. The conversation at dinner with a couple friends last night made me realize that I am not well-connected (networking) nor do I have a good sense of the variety of careers that I could pursue beyond my current job. I feel inadequate after reading some blogs or chatting with friends because I sense that I'm not well-read or as well-spoken. My friends are all incredibly intelligent people from prestigious institutions, so I presume I can't be that lame. I know that people value my logic, common sense (believe it or not), and practicality, but I don't feel like I have much high-level thought to offer. It's as if I'm five years (at least) behind where my mind should be at this age.

Of course, I'm going to be myself tonight and hope that I can meet some interesting people. It'll be good to put myself in a new situation. The keys will be to remember to listen, contribute relevant information to the conversation, and not interrupt people. I have to remember that it's about finding people who appreciate who I am not who I want to be. (Gosh, is this sounding like a self-help book or what?)


teahouse said...

Ok, you have to stop putting yourself down, and believe that you are fabulous and unique!

Listen, sister..I went to an Ivy League school, and lemme tell you it doesn't mean anything about how nice or smart or intelligent people are! There are so many more important things especially so far out of're going to be fine! Go and have a good time and don't even give it a second thought.

And you know what? if you think you're 5 years behind where you should be, then that means there are some totally hotttt 20-something year old guys that you'll click with! Maybe you could teach them a thing or two that they didn't learn in their college classes...


Pandax said...

Thanks THB. :)

This blog reveals many of my insecurities. If you met me, it would probably take awhile to realize that I'm so hard on myself. I know I make a good first impression with people. Years of Asian parental pressures and lack of praise probably have contributed to my internal self-doubt. I just need to STOP worrying.