Okay, I must admit I'm excited by the idea of the iPhone. I'm not one of those early adopters who must have the latest gadget the minute it goes on the market. Frankly, I'm too cheap to pay the $600 it takes to get one (this is really interesting cost analysis). Maybe next year, if the price drops a little and any bugs have been worked out (wow, have you looked at the plans?), I'll consider buying one. I'm not a big Internet person (nor do I want to pay AT&T extra money for Internet access), so I just don't have the need.
People who are technophiles, who need the connectivity - that's great. I know this will be fun and cool. What gets me are the younger people who are trying to get these phones. I've seen interviews with people in line in different parts of the country and it just astounds me how people spend money they haven't earned (at least from my perspective).
A news reported talked with a high school kid in line in NYC. The reporter asked, "how are you paying for this?"
The kid pauses, forms an awkward smile, and slyly responds, "my parents."
"Do your parents know they're buying this for you?"
"Not yet."
Yeah, his parents must have been thrilled when they saw this on the local evening news. Does he have their credit card with him or something?
Then, in Texas, they talked to this man who had been in line at the AT&T store for a day. The reporter asked, "Are you buying this for yourself?"
In a calm, Texan drawl, "No, it's for my son. My wife wants one too, but I don't know if I can buy two of them."
What can I say? My reaction is that it's ridiculous that these young kids expect to have these expensive toys and have their parents pay for it. There have been many articles (I remember one from Newsweek several years ago) that discuss the excessive amount of entitlement kids have today. Teenagers spend parents money on gadgets and designer clothing without any appreciation for how it's earned. What are they going to do when they grow up? Not everyone is going to have a trust fund to live off of.
When (if) I have kids, they will hate me. They will think I'm ruining their lives because they can't be like their friends with the cool accessories. Well, I'm sorry, that's how it is. You'll appreciate it when you're older. If you want something, you can mow lawns for a year and then we'll talk about buying it. You want a new car you say? How about a used Corolla that you pay for by working at In-N-Out for $10/hour. I'll match each dollar you earn.
I refuse to spoil my kids. Sure, I want them to like me, I want to be their friends, I want them to feel like they can be open with me. However, when it comes down to it, I'm the parent, I need to set rules and teach them how to become responsible adults. That's not going to happen if I indulge their every request.
Besides, come one, those phones are going to get stolen. Think about when iPods first came out or when kids bought the latest Michael Jordan Nikes. I don't like the idea that my kid could get mugged, stabbed, or killed over something so trivial. Clothes and accessories don't make a person (okay, yes, it's human nature to want attention). Still, American have gone to extremes in bling and consumerism. You don't HAVE to have EVERYTHING.
Rant over... have a fantastic weekend!
Friday, June 29, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Check that one!
In between my business trips, I made a quick stop.
A group of us escaped civilization and headed out to Yosemite. This is a wonderful place to me. It was probably the first nation park I ever visited on my own after college (as opposed to a family trip). I only wish I had done more outdoor activities in my twenties.
The grand plan was to hike to Half Dome and climb the cables to the top. We woke up at 5:30am thinking we'd start early and beat the crowds. It turned into a beautiful day, blue skies, wisps of clouds, and clear views in every direction. I was disappointed to find myself struggling to keep up with everyone. After hiking every weekend and going to the gym each week, I didn't expect to feel so winded. Granted the hike starts at over 4000 ft., but it was still frustrating. Later, when we stopped for a break, it was pointed out to me how heavy my pack was compared to what other were packing. I was carrying the bulk of lunch plus my 3.5 liters of water. Maybe I should practice more often with extra weight.
As always, the trail had beautiful views of waterfalls and the landscape. We stopped several times for bathroom breaks and snacks. All the hiking and heat can really make people hungry. We expected to reach the base of Half Dome in under 5 hours. Somehow, we took much longer than expected. We arrived some six hours later to this view.
The line was rather long. Like many others, we debated whether it was worth waiting in the long line. Given the recent tragedy, we were kind of hoping that maybe there'd be fewer people. (The debate that followed was an interesting read, demonstrating that there's never a perfect solution to anything.)
For me personally, there was no question of whether to wait in line to climb the cables. I've been here twice before and not finished; once because it was getting late, once because I had a sharp headache. The lines back then weren't this bad. At least, being here before helped me know how to prepare. I took ibuprofen halfway through the hike to prevent headache and brought some tough leather gloves for the cables.
We ate our lunch as we waited in line. It took TWO hours to finally take our turn climbing the cables. From the bottom, it looks much steeper than it actually is, though it's definitely not something to climb freely. Our climbs both up and down were slowed by people not prepared for the challenge.
The view at the top was fabulous. It's almost a 360 degree view of Yosemite. It's scary how close to the edge of the dome one can stand. I got about five feet from the edge but that was as much risk as I could handle. I'm not afraid of heights, just afraid of a crumbling edge or unexpected gust of wind.
As we waited to go back down, one of my friends observed, "there are people who don't realize they're scared of heights until they try and come down." The guy in front of us overheard and raised his hand and said, "that would be me." The guy kept sitting down and his buddy tried to give him suggestion to make the descent easier. The buddy also had to push him a bit, telling him things like, "you can't go down on your butt, get up."
In contrast, there were people who climbed as if this were a walk in the park. One false step, and you can fall thousands of feet. It's amazing how different people's sense of risk is. Seeing a shiny silver object roll (turned out to be some one's camera), then bounce, then hit rock and break into three pieces as it disappeared over the edge is a good reminder that there's no safety net if something happens.
We all felt great after coming down. There's definitely a feeling of satisfaction in accomplishing a feet like Half Dome. We gave each other high-fives to celebrate.
Other minor observations:
1) Squirrels - Don't feed them and don't leave your packs unattended. They know how to get into your stuff to search for food. Someone left a bag tucked under a rock overhang while climbing the cables. I spotted a squirrel who had pulled out two drink bottles and a package of Advil. They are clever.
2) On the return trail, if you have a choice, avoid the route that involves going down steep stairs - it really hurts the knees.
3) Tradeoffs in campsite selection - interior campground sites can be noisy and feel crowded; outer campground sites are more likely to be visited by bears.
A group of us escaped civilization and headed out to Yosemite. This is a wonderful place to me. It was probably the first nation park I ever visited on my own after college (as opposed to a family trip). I only wish I had done more outdoor activities in my twenties.
The grand plan was to hike to Half Dome and climb the cables to the top. We woke up at 5:30am thinking we'd start early and beat the crowds. It turned into a beautiful day, blue skies, wisps of clouds, and clear views in every direction. I was disappointed to find myself struggling to keep up with everyone. After hiking every weekend and going to the gym each week, I didn't expect to feel so winded. Granted the hike starts at over 4000 ft., but it was still frustrating. Later, when we stopped for a break, it was pointed out to me how heavy my pack was compared to what other were packing. I was carrying the bulk of lunch plus my 3.5 liters of water. Maybe I should practice more often with extra weight.
As always, the trail had beautiful views of waterfalls and the landscape. We stopped several times for bathroom breaks and snacks. All the hiking and heat can really make people hungry. We expected to reach the base of Half Dome in under 5 hours. Somehow, we took much longer than expected. We arrived some six hours later to this view.
The line was rather long. Like many others, we debated whether it was worth waiting in the long line. Given the recent tragedy, we were kind of hoping that maybe there'd be fewer people. (The debate that followed was an interesting read, demonstrating that there's never a perfect solution to anything.)
For me personally, there was no question of whether to wait in line to climb the cables. I've been here twice before and not finished; once because it was getting late, once because I had a sharp headache. The lines back then weren't this bad. At least, being here before helped me know how to prepare. I took ibuprofen halfway through the hike to prevent headache and brought some tough leather gloves for the cables.
We ate our lunch as we waited in line. It took TWO hours to finally take our turn climbing the cables. From the bottom, it looks much steeper than it actually is, though it's definitely not something to climb freely. Our climbs both up and down were slowed by people not prepared for the challenge.
The view at the top was fabulous. It's almost a 360 degree view of Yosemite. It's scary how close to the edge of the dome one can stand. I got about five feet from the edge but that was as much risk as I could handle. I'm not afraid of heights, just afraid of a crumbling edge or unexpected gust of wind.
As we waited to go back down, one of my friends observed, "there are people who don't realize they're scared of heights until they try and come down." The guy in front of us overheard and raised his hand and said, "that would be me." The guy kept sitting down and his buddy tried to give him suggestion to make the descent easier. The buddy also had to push him a bit, telling him things like, "you can't go down on your butt, get up."
In contrast, there were people who climbed as if this were a walk in the park. One false step, and you can fall thousands of feet. It's amazing how different people's sense of risk is. Seeing a shiny silver object roll (turned out to be some one's camera), then bounce, then hit rock and break into three pieces as it disappeared over the edge is a good reminder that there's no safety net if something happens.
We all felt great after coming down. There's definitely a feeling of satisfaction in accomplishing a feet like Half Dome. We gave each other high-fives to celebrate.
Other minor observations:
1) Squirrels - Don't feed them and don't leave your packs unattended. They know how to get into your stuff to search for food. Someone left a bag tucked under a rock overhang while climbing the cables. I spotted a squirrel who had pulled out two drink bottles and a package of Advil. They are clever.
2) On the return trail, if you have a choice, avoid the route that involves going down steep stairs - it really hurts the knees.
3) Tradeoffs in campsite selection - interior campground sites can be noisy and feel crowded; outer campground sites are more likely to be visited by bears.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Now pouring Coke
I was on the United.com website the other day an noticed this headline below their main page art - "Now pouring Coke on most United flights."
I recall some time in the past hearing people talk about the choices of beverages on flights and how one airline (who's name I cannot recall) had switched to only serving one brand's line of beverages.
I think it's funny how loyal (or picky) people are about what carbonated beverages they are willing to drink. In one of those e-mail chains where you share answers with friends, I remember my cousin answering "Coke or Pepsi? Pepsi, it took a long time to convert." It was interesting because she bothered to comment on it. I can't help wonder what caused the conversion (maybe the kids?) and how dramatic a change it has made in day to day life.
I myself don't drink much soda in the first place. As a kid, we used to have it around all the time. We had stock piles of 2-liter bottles and 12-packs of soda piled up in the garage. It's the result of buying when things are on sale and even cheaper with promotional coupons. We had so much that some of the rotten neighborhood kids took notice and would steal from our garage if we left it open.
Strangely, the minute I went to college, soda all but disappeared from my eating habits. In addition to prefering other drinks like juices, I think I got scared by the fact that they say Coke is a good solvent for cleaning car batteries. Yipes! And, if you leave an egg in a glass of Coke, it with gradually soften the shell. I just worries me what all the Coke must do to teeth enamel. Now, I tend to swish a little water around my mouth after I finish drinking soda.
On those occasion when I have a itch for a cola, I probably would choose Coke. I don't particularly like sweet drinks. I need to have ice so that it dilutes the sugar. I wonder if I'd like soda better if they had real sugar in them rather than all the high fructose corn syrup junk.
It's probably a good thing. I'd like to think I'm a bit healthier not consuming a thirsty-two ouncer every day. I think I have a can of root beer in the refrigerator at home that's been there for... months. Maybe.
I recall some time in the past hearing people talk about the choices of beverages on flights and how one airline (who's name I cannot recall) had switched to only serving one brand's line of beverages.
I think it's funny how loyal (or picky) people are about what carbonated beverages they are willing to drink. In one of those e-mail chains where you share answers with friends, I remember my cousin answering "Coke or Pepsi? Pepsi, it took a long time to convert." It was interesting because she bothered to comment on it. I can't help wonder what caused the conversion (maybe the kids?) and how dramatic a change it has made in day to day life.
I myself don't drink much soda in the first place. As a kid, we used to have it around all the time. We had stock piles of 2-liter bottles and 12-packs of soda piled up in the garage. It's the result of buying when things are on sale and even cheaper with promotional coupons. We had so much that some of the rotten neighborhood kids took notice and would steal from our garage if we left it open.
Strangely, the minute I went to college, soda all but disappeared from my eating habits. In addition to prefering other drinks like juices, I think I got scared by the fact that they say Coke is a good solvent for cleaning car batteries. Yipes! And, if you leave an egg in a glass of Coke, it with gradually soften the shell. I just worries me what all the Coke must do to teeth enamel. Now, I tend to swish a little water around my mouth after I finish drinking soda.
On those occasion when I have a itch for a cola, I probably would choose Coke. I don't particularly like sweet drinks. I need to have ice so that it dilutes the sugar. I wonder if I'd like soda better if they had real sugar in them rather than all the high fructose corn syrup junk.
It's probably a good thing. I'd like to think I'm a bit healthier not consuming a thirsty-two ouncer every day. I think I have a can of root beer in the refrigerator at home that's been there for... months. Maybe.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Eyeing the cradle
My class has ended. It was a good group of people. Most of the class together has been together for multiple course, so there 's a great rapport among the majority. It gave the class a lighter attitude and provided a comfortable atmosphere. As one guy commented, he's not here for the grade, he's here because it's a place to meet interesting people who may be different.
One guy I noticed from last quarter is Shanghai. He always sat on the opposite side of the room from me, but he articulate voice and perfect pronunciation got my attention. There's a certain type of guy that I am attracted to very quickly, and he fits that mold. He's young, Asian, and I like his glasses. I get a sense he is passionate about his interested, and he seems very smart. Well, okay, sometimes he's asked odd questions which demonstrate either he's not paying close attention in class or there are things about life about which he's still somewhat clueless.
Alas, one day, he did his oral presentation and talked about how he still laments over the Transformers toy that his mother made him give to a younger cousin. The minute he expressed his interest in Transformers and boasted over the fact that his Optimus Prime was an original, I knew he had to be almost a decade younger than me. Eeck. I really felt old.
"Damn," I thought, "this is what it's like when my guy friends fawn over cute young girls?" We make fun of BurningMan because he prefers dating younger women. He's 33. His last girlfriend was 25. At first, he freaked out to learn she was that much younger. He even considered breaking it off. But he got over that, and they even lived together for six months before she headed out for her Peace Corps project. Lately, friends say interested in girls who are barley out of college. He's not a creepy guy necessarily, just unconventional. The point is, dating too far outside of my age range just seems weird. It's not me.
Still, I think about Shanghai. Nothing wrong with browsing right? In this current session, Shanghi hasn't been around much. I think he's been studying for a professional exam, so he's only been showing up for quizzes and presentations. He recognizes me, he says "hello," but we don't really chat much. Sigh, how I wish I were 26 again. Pickings aren't as good at my age. Only in hindsight do I feel like there were so many more choices back then.
One guy I noticed from last quarter is Shanghai. He always sat on the opposite side of the room from me, but he articulate voice and perfect pronunciation got my attention. There's a certain type of guy that I am attracted to very quickly, and he fits that mold. He's young, Asian, and I like his glasses. I get a sense he is passionate about his interested, and he seems very smart. Well, okay, sometimes he's asked odd questions which demonstrate either he's not paying close attention in class or there are things about life about which he's still somewhat clueless.
Alas, one day, he did his oral presentation and talked about how he still laments over the Transformers toy that his mother made him give to a younger cousin. The minute he expressed his interest in Transformers and boasted over the fact that his Optimus Prime was an original, I knew he had to be almost a decade younger than me. Eeck. I really felt old.
"Damn," I thought, "this is what it's like when my guy friends fawn over cute young girls?" We make fun of BurningMan because he prefers dating younger women. He's 33. His last girlfriend was 25. At first, he freaked out to learn she was that much younger. He even considered breaking it off. But he got over that, and they even lived together for six months before she headed out for her Peace Corps project. Lately, friends say interested in girls who are barley out of college. He's not a creepy guy necessarily, just unconventional. The point is, dating too far outside of my age range just seems weird. It's not me.
Still, I think about Shanghai. Nothing wrong with browsing right? In this current session, Shanghi hasn't been around much. I think he's been studying for a professional exam, so he's only been showing up for quizzes and presentations. He recognizes me, he says "hello," but we don't really chat much. Sigh, how I wish I were 26 again. Pickings aren't as good at my age. Only in hindsight do I feel like there were so many more choices back then.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Spontaneous Opera
For lunch sometimes, I like to get out of the building and walk down the block to a city park. The park is next door to a well-known high-tech company full of young and ambitious people. I often see groups playing soccer, practicing martial arts, or playing ultimate on the grassy field.
I like to go and enjoy a little sun and fresh air. I have lofty dreams of getting asked out as I sit on the park bench, but the odds are low. It's nice to get away from the computer and listen to the wind blow.
One time, I sat on a park bench reading a travel book. Behind me, I could detect the faint sound of music. It was a man singing what I gradually realized was opera. When I turned around, I realized it was actually a live person, not just some car blasting music.
The guy cut through the park, singing some operatic piece, walking along as if nothing were out of the ordinary. I couldn't help stare a bit wondering the occasion for this show. He headed for an Acura parked on the curb. Never did he pause in his singing. I'm no opera expert, but it sounded pretty good. He opened his trunk and one of the rear passenger doors. I think he glanced my way briefly as he went about his business.
I was intrigued that he would sing so loudly in public. A few cars passed by, but there were no other pedestrians in the area. Sure, people sing when they're in a happy mood, but how often do you hear someone belt out opera walking down the street?
By the time he closed the trunk and locked the doors, I realized that he had changed clothes. Nothing fancy but better than a t-shirt and he was also carrying a garment bag. Headed back towards the building, he continued his operatic tune. Sometime just after he passed me, he stopped. Either he finished or was near enough to the building that he decided to wrap it up.
I should have clapped. I hope I get to hear him again sometime.
I like to go and enjoy a little sun and fresh air. I have lofty dreams of getting asked out as I sit on the park bench, but the odds are low. It's nice to get away from the computer and listen to the wind blow.
One time, I sat on a park bench reading a travel book. Behind me, I could detect the faint sound of music. It was a man singing what I gradually realized was opera. When I turned around, I realized it was actually a live person, not just some car blasting music.
The guy cut through the park, singing some operatic piece, walking along as if nothing were out of the ordinary. I couldn't help stare a bit wondering the occasion for this show. He headed for an Acura parked on the curb. Never did he pause in his singing. I'm no opera expert, but it sounded pretty good. He opened his trunk and one of the rear passenger doors. I think he glanced my way briefly as he went about his business.
I was intrigued that he would sing so loudly in public. A few cars passed by, but there were no other pedestrians in the area. Sure, people sing when they're in a happy mood, but how often do you hear someone belt out opera walking down the street?
By the time he closed the trunk and locked the doors, I realized that he had changed clothes. Nothing fancy but better than a t-shirt and he was also carrying a garment bag. Headed back towards the building, he continued his operatic tune. Sometime just after he passed me, he stopped. Either he finished or was near enough to the building that he decided to wrap it up.
I should have clapped. I hope I get to hear him again sometime.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Did you have to bring that up?
These days, more and more companies are developing security enhancement for their online customer accounts. Today, I logged into one of my accounts to find them wanting some new information from me. There's a certain set of questions from which I am accustomed to choosing:
- What's your pet's name?
- What's your mother's maiden name?
- What was your first telephone number?
- Where were you born?
- What's your driver's license number?
- What's your favorite color?
- Where did you go to school?
That was roughly the first set of questions I was given. I fully expected to see the same list for my second security question. To my surprise, I was given a totally different list. A list that, frankly, I didn't really like.
- What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? You know, some of us really don't want to remember the correct answer.
- In what city were you married? Yeah, can't answer that one.
- In what city were you born? Easy enough.
- in what city was your father born? Actually, I'm not sure.
- What is the first name of the best man at your wedding? Yeah, ahem, just keep rubbing it in.
Call me oversensitive but since when did companies start getting into your marital status? I know, they need to ask more unique questions other than "what's your favorite color?" to prevent hackers. How about other unique things like team mascots, favorite cities, coldest/hottest city visited, nickname your parents call you, first/current vehicle model, name of your best friend, when you were a kid what you wanted to grow up to be?
Of course, if people were really smart, they wouldn't provide the right answer and choose words that no one would ever enter as a response. And I'm not talking about putting down "none" or "1234." So maybe I should pick the last question and put down "Kermit" as my answer. ;)
- What's your pet's name?
- What's your mother's maiden name?
- What was your first telephone number?
- Where were you born?
- What's your driver's license number?
- What's your favorite color?
- Where did you go to school?
That was roughly the first set of questions I was given. I fully expected to see the same list for my second security question. To my surprise, I was given a totally different list. A list that, frankly, I didn't really like.
- What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? You know, some of us really don't want to remember the correct answer.
- In what city were you married? Yeah, can't answer that one.
- In what city were you born? Easy enough.
- in what city was your father born? Actually, I'm not sure.
- What is the first name of the best man at your wedding? Yeah, ahem, just keep rubbing it in.
Call me oversensitive but since when did companies start getting into your marital status? I know, they need to ask more unique questions other than "what's your favorite color?" to prevent hackers. How about other unique things like team mascots, favorite cities, coldest/hottest city visited, nickname your parents call you, first/current vehicle model, name of your best friend, when you were a kid what you wanted to grow up to be?
Of course, if people were really smart, they wouldn't provide the right answer and choose words that no one would ever enter as a response. And I'm not talking about putting down "none" or "1234." So maybe I should pick the last question and put down "Kermit" as my answer. ;)
Monday, June 11, 2007
Don't wear nice clothes, he spits
This weekend was unintentionally busy. It seems prior to every weekend I think it'll be a chance to relax and do nothing for half a day. The past two weekends, it's been nothing like that.
Saturday I did some hiking with friends. We're going camping in a couple weeks, and that trip included an all-day hike that will be fairly strenuous. We knew we all needed to get our feet and legs into shape. It was a decent hike, though we ended up taking an easier trail since people were getting tired.
The 9am hike basically turned into an all-day event. After the hike, we had brunch. Then, we walked around the quaint little town we were in, strolling through the nice furniture shops and touristy antique stores. We laughed about all the little things they had for sale and how you could probably buy much of the stuff at a garage sale for a quarter of the price!
I really wanted to nap by the time I got home, but I promised my friend that we'd meet to work on our oral presentation for our class. We're using photos from the vacation as the source of our little narrative. It'll be fun, though we ended up with a crazy number of pictures for a 5-minute presentation.
In the evening, I rejoined my friends for dinner. We ate at this new Korean BBQ place. It wasn't at all what anyone expected. The place was 3-months new, well-lit, clean, and not at all smokey. The wall was a modern design with a backlight that gradually changed colors all night. The grill were set into the table and had the fan on the sides of the grill so no smoke every rose up from the table. It was kind of odd thinking the smell of smoke wouldn't be in our hair and clothes after leaving the restaurant.
Sunday was a baby day. I chatted with my friend, Sister, who's been on maternity leave, enjoying her little boy. We're trying to meet up while I'm in town for a business trip. I will only be there one night, so it'll be a little tricky to meet littleJ before he falls asleep.
Then, I met up with an old high school friend, Bragh, who was visiting town with her three-month old. We catch up probably once a year though there were a number of years we didn't do much more than exchange Xmas cards (though I think only I was sending anything). She also invited another high school classmate, Epiphany, to join us. It's someone from the year above us, but we were all on the speech and debate team. He brought along his wife and 16-month son.
Getting ready, I debated what to wear. Do I show off a little and dress better, or just throw on whatever jeans and t-shirt was at the foot of my bed? In the end, I figured if I had the chance to hold the baby, he might drool. I opted for the decent but older knit shirt.
I arrived first. I wanted to put down my name for the waitlist, but honestly had no idea how many people were coming. Both families arrived at about the same time, only a couple minutes after the hour. Knowing they'd take awhile to get the kids out of the cars, I got a quick headcount and put my name down for a table.
When our table was ready, I stood back to let the seating arrangement take shape. Usually, I see the kid and parent straddle a corner of the table for easy reach. I figured I'd take which ever chair was vacant. That put me between Epiphany's son and Bragh's husband. Epiphany's wife jokingly apologized upfront fearing any wild swings of a food-covered spoon during the meal from Will. I assured her my choice of clothing was exactly for that reason. Other than some spoon drumming, Will was a good kid. I had to pick up his sippy cup several times, but he stayed content eating his fruit.
It was a bit surreal at times having breakfast. I didn't totally feel like a fish out of water. In fact, I can talk about kids and babies as if I have one. Sometimes my guy friends think it strange I know so much. It's just a fact of being around so many mothers at work. You learn from all their conversations and venting about pregnancy and child-rearing.
Bragh's son spits up A LOT. I about their experiments with all brands of baby formula. Costco brand turned into something oatmealish when it came back up, so they've sworn off that kind. It's funny how they've become pretty good at sensing when he'll spit up (like little burps). Epiphany's son learned to refuse formula just by the smell. They were both pretty healthy kids. They shared stories about potential bed rest and struggles with breastfeeding.
Women's bodily functions become public knowledge once you have a baby. The husbands didn't seen at all phased by the brunch discussion. It's refreshing to be able to share such things, but I supposed it has it's oddness.
The one thought that never occurred to me until the mothers laughed about it was that no moment is private. Even when you need to go to the bathroom, you take your child with you. I'm trying to imagine holding a child while peeing... ugh. As they get older, you also need to entertain them. Will was taught to help mom by pulling off a couple squares of toilet paper. That changed one day when she was getting dressed and saw a trail of toilet paper leading from the bathroom, across the room, and into the closet. ;)
They asked about my job and stuff, but politely avoided asking about my love life. I guess it was kind of a relief. A part of me wanted it to come up so that maybe I could see if Epiphany could introduce me to some successful Google friends, but guys rarely think about helping set up people.
All in all, it was a fun morning. It's wonderful to see old friends and enjoy how their lives have evolved and grown. Baby smiles are priceless.
The rest of the day, I ran some errands, bought some trekking poles off craigslist, and met up with my friend for more presentation preparation. The best part of the day was laying out on the couch for three hours watching the mini-series "Battlestar Galactica" (the modern version, not the 1970s tv show). I'm dying to get home to finish the last hour of the series.
Saturday I did some hiking with friends. We're going camping in a couple weeks, and that trip included an all-day hike that will be fairly strenuous. We knew we all needed to get our feet and legs into shape. It was a decent hike, though we ended up taking an easier trail since people were getting tired.
The 9am hike basically turned into an all-day event. After the hike, we had brunch. Then, we walked around the quaint little town we were in, strolling through the nice furniture shops and touristy antique stores. We laughed about all the little things they had for sale and how you could probably buy much of the stuff at a garage sale for a quarter of the price!
I really wanted to nap by the time I got home, but I promised my friend that we'd meet to work on our oral presentation for our class. We're using photos from the vacation as the source of our little narrative. It'll be fun, though we ended up with a crazy number of pictures for a 5-minute presentation.
In the evening, I rejoined my friends for dinner. We ate at this new Korean BBQ place. It wasn't at all what anyone expected. The place was 3-months new, well-lit, clean, and not at all smokey. The wall was a modern design with a backlight that gradually changed colors all night. The grill were set into the table and had the fan on the sides of the grill so no smoke every rose up from the table. It was kind of odd thinking the smell of smoke wouldn't be in our hair and clothes after leaving the restaurant.
Sunday was a baby day. I chatted with my friend, Sister, who's been on maternity leave, enjoying her little boy. We're trying to meet up while I'm in town for a business trip. I will only be there one night, so it'll be a little tricky to meet littleJ before he falls asleep.
Then, I met up with an old high school friend, Bragh, who was visiting town with her three-month old. We catch up probably once a year though there were a number of years we didn't do much more than exchange Xmas cards (though I think only I was sending anything). She also invited another high school classmate, Epiphany, to join us. It's someone from the year above us, but we were all on the speech and debate team. He brought along his wife and 16-month son.
Getting ready, I debated what to wear. Do I show off a little and dress better, or just throw on whatever jeans and t-shirt was at the foot of my bed? In the end, I figured if I had the chance to hold the baby, he might drool. I opted for the decent but older knit shirt.
I arrived first. I wanted to put down my name for the waitlist, but honestly had no idea how many people were coming. Both families arrived at about the same time, only a couple minutes after the hour. Knowing they'd take awhile to get the kids out of the cars, I got a quick headcount and put my name down for a table.
When our table was ready, I stood back to let the seating arrangement take shape. Usually, I see the kid and parent straddle a corner of the table for easy reach. I figured I'd take which ever chair was vacant. That put me between Epiphany's son and Bragh's husband. Epiphany's wife jokingly apologized upfront fearing any wild swings of a food-covered spoon during the meal from Will. I assured her my choice of clothing was exactly for that reason. Other than some spoon drumming, Will was a good kid. I had to pick up his sippy cup several times, but he stayed content eating his fruit.
It was a bit surreal at times having breakfast. I didn't totally feel like a fish out of water. In fact, I can talk about kids and babies as if I have one. Sometimes my guy friends think it strange I know so much. It's just a fact of being around so many mothers at work. You learn from all their conversations and venting about pregnancy and child-rearing.
Bragh's son spits up A LOT. I about their experiments with all brands of baby formula. Costco brand turned into something oatmealish when it came back up, so they've sworn off that kind. It's funny how they've become pretty good at sensing when he'll spit up (like little burps). Epiphany's son learned to refuse formula just by the smell. They were both pretty healthy kids. They shared stories about potential bed rest and struggles with breastfeeding.
Women's bodily functions become public knowledge once you have a baby. The husbands didn't seen at all phased by the brunch discussion. It's refreshing to be able to share such things, but I supposed it has it's oddness.
The one thought that never occurred to me until the mothers laughed about it was that no moment is private. Even when you need to go to the bathroom, you take your child with you. I'm trying to imagine holding a child while peeing... ugh. As they get older, you also need to entertain them. Will was taught to help mom by pulling off a couple squares of toilet paper. That changed one day when she was getting dressed and saw a trail of toilet paper leading from the bathroom, across the room, and into the closet. ;)
They asked about my job and stuff, but politely avoided asking about my love life. I guess it was kind of a relief. A part of me wanted it to come up so that maybe I could see if Epiphany could introduce me to some successful Google friends, but guys rarely think about helping set up people.
All in all, it was a fun morning. It's wonderful to see old friends and enjoy how their lives have evolved and grown. Baby smiles are priceless.
The rest of the day, I ran some errands, bought some trekking poles off craigslist, and met up with my friend for more presentation preparation. The best part of the day was laying out on the couch for three hours watching the mini-series "Battlestar Galactica" (the modern version, not the 1970s tv show). I'm dying to get home to finish the last hour of the series.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Cat talk
How do you explain to a neighbor's feline that freshly killed, LARGE roaches are not a gift that human females enjoy finding on the driveway in the morning?
It's that, or these roaches somehow understand that resting in the direct path of a automobile tire is an effective way to commit suicide. Yuck!
I guess it's better than last summer when I kept finding dead ones left on my welcome mat. Good morning!
It's that, or these roaches somehow understand that resting in the direct path of a automobile tire is an effective way to commit suicide. Yuck!
I guess it's better than last summer when I kept finding dead ones left on my welcome mat. Good morning!
Monday, June 04, 2007
Traveling with a bachelor
It's been a week since my vacation. I went with a friend of mine, a guy friend who I've known for more than 10 years. He's a few years older than me and single. Long ago we explored the idea of dating and concluded that we were not compatible. You could say it was like going with a male cousin or something.
We traveled together about three years ago. For the most part we got along, but some minor tensions eventually built up, primarily due to his frustrations with the tour guide and my frustration with his unwillingness to plan ahead. He was tired of not being able to understand the tour guide who was speaking more in Chinese to make the other people in our tiny tour group happy, plus he got a one day stomach thing. I was mad because we tromped around a little town for a several hours, carrying all of our bags, looking for a hotel that was acceptable to him, shadowed by an annoying Chinese woman trying to get credit for whatever hotel we visited. I was annoyed, but I quietly went along with it because I had agreed to it before the trip. Still, I think it was pretty obvious to him that I was less than happy with the situation. We didn't come to blows or raise our voices, but suffice to say we spent a day doing our own things.
This time, I made sure to address any potential sources of conflict before leaving the country. I reminded him of our different travel styles and expressed my desire to have some kind of agreement in place before signing up for the trip with him. I made it clear that he was welcome to wait until we reached town to find a hotel, but that I would be making a reservation for myself. After a week, he came back to me with a story about how he's learned that his style of travel has made others uncomfortable in recent years. He decided to wholeheartedly go with whatever plan I put forth.
When it came to the tour group, I let him assume most responsibilities such as paying tips to the drivers and tour guides, getting keys to our hotel room, basic travel arrangements. I'm always on time, he's always late. There were times it was a little frustrating to be the last ones to board the bus in the morning. He disliked the fact that most of the group was always early or on time. Sometimes, it was also tough to know what to do when we had say 30 minutes to explore before needing to return to the bus. I felt like I had to stay with him (hence why I should have remembered my wristwatch).
The most striking thing for me was learning and thinking about the time we spent in the hotel room together. It made me think about what it must be like and what is required to live with someone else. As two people who have been single for some time, our individual habits and preferences were clear.
Little things:
- finding stubble in the sink (yuck)
- who chooses what television station to watch (I let him watch the basketball)
- finding stuff placed on top of your toothbrush (okay, I should have put it away better)
- staying up when the other person wants to go to sleep
Bigger things:
- a girl who tends to sleep cool, a guy who likes to sleep warm (in different beds), which is reverse of what you would normally guess, causing disagreement over how to set the thermostat
- eating late and fast versus wanting to eat early and leisurely
- 8am is when you need to be at the bus, not the time to leave your hotel room
- not paying a driver's tip because you didn't see anyone else pay him (buy they did)
The other weird thing that came up or probably came to both our minds was the notion of propriety regarding dress. As I said, since I know him, I tended to be less concerned about my choice of clothing in the hotel room. If I was traveling with an acquaintance or friend's husband, I probably would have worn leggings or knee-length shorts. In the company of close friends, I feel like I can wear my short exercise shorts. Sure, the thought briefly passes through my mind, "does he sneak a peek at my ass?" But then, I let it go because guys will be guys and it's not like he's the type of guy that would say something inappropriate about it.
All in all, the trip went well (ignoring the two days he got a stomach virus from the water). I did my best to voice any concerns I had in a polite way. The only time I was frustrated with him is when I would comment about something and received no acknowledgement. Then, an hour later, he would make the same comment or ask a question that I answered in my earlier comment. Why does this happen to me? Okay, in a couple cases, I think his illness made him kind of spacey, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. My friends was good too. He always tried to be a gentleman and made sure to give me access to his dental floss each night since I'd left mine at home.
My friend and I definitely have different styles, different attitudes towards life. It was interesting to spend so much time with one person because it made me think about the compromise and patience necessary to live with someone. Granted, two weeks in hotels is not quite the same, but being in such close quarters 24/7 requires some adjustment. It was a good learning experience for me, a reminder that I can't always have my way (even though I think it's often the best way ;)). Being single, it's easy to get comfortable with doing things a certain way and forgetting to be open-minded.
And yet, I sit here wondering how much compromise is reasonable. What makes for two people who will get along well? What is too much give and take? I hate confrontation, so I worry that I let things go too much in order to keep the peace. I'm probably more guilty of that with men I'm dating versus friends. At least I'm more aware now.
We traveled together about three years ago. For the most part we got along, but some minor tensions eventually built up, primarily due to his frustrations with the tour guide and my frustration with his unwillingness to plan ahead. He was tired of not being able to understand the tour guide who was speaking more in Chinese to make the other people in our tiny tour group happy, plus he got a one day stomach thing. I was mad because we tromped around a little town for a several hours, carrying all of our bags, looking for a hotel that was acceptable to him, shadowed by an annoying Chinese woman trying to get credit for whatever hotel we visited. I was annoyed, but I quietly went along with it because I had agreed to it before the trip. Still, I think it was pretty obvious to him that I was less than happy with the situation. We didn't come to blows or raise our voices, but suffice to say we spent a day doing our own things.
This time, I made sure to address any potential sources of conflict before leaving the country. I reminded him of our different travel styles and expressed my desire to have some kind of agreement in place before signing up for the trip with him. I made it clear that he was welcome to wait until we reached town to find a hotel, but that I would be making a reservation for myself. After a week, he came back to me with a story about how he's learned that his style of travel has made others uncomfortable in recent years. He decided to wholeheartedly go with whatever plan I put forth.
When it came to the tour group, I let him assume most responsibilities such as paying tips to the drivers and tour guides, getting keys to our hotel room, basic travel arrangements. I'm always on time, he's always late. There were times it was a little frustrating to be the last ones to board the bus in the morning. He disliked the fact that most of the group was always early or on time. Sometimes, it was also tough to know what to do when we had say 30 minutes to explore before needing to return to the bus. I felt like I had to stay with him (hence why I should have remembered my wristwatch).
The most striking thing for me was learning and thinking about the time we spent in the hotel room together. It made me think about what it must be like and what is required to live with someone else. As two people who have been single for some time, our individual habits and preferences were clear.
Little things:
- finding stubble in the sink (yuck)
- who chooses what television station to watch (I let him watch the basketball)
- finding stuff placed on top of your toothbrush (okay, I should have put it away better)
- staying up when the other person wants to go to sleep
Bigger things:
- a girl who tends to sleep cool, a guy who likes to sleep warm (in different beds), which is reverse of what you would normally guess, causing disagreement over how to set the thermostat
- eating late and fast versus wanting to eat early and leisurely
- 8am is when you need to be at the bus, not the time to leave your hotel room
- not paying a driver's tip because you didn't see anyone else pay him (buy they did)
The other weird thing that came up or probably came to both our minds was the notion of propriety regarding dress. As I said, since I know him, I tended to be less concerned about my choice of clothing in the hotel room. If I was traveling with an acquaintance or friend's husband, I probably would have worn leggings or knee-length shorts. In the company of close friends, I feel like I can wear my short exercise shorts. Sure, the thought briefly passes through my mind, "does he sneak a peek at my ass?" But then, I let it go because guys will be guys and it's not like he's the type of guy that would say something inappropriate about it.
All in all, the trip went well (ignoring the two days he got a stomach virus from the water). I did my best to voice any concerns I had in a polite way. The only time I was frustrated with him is when I would comment about something and received no acknowledgement. Then, an hour later, he would make the same comment or ask a question that I answered in my earlier comment. Why does this happen to me? Okay, in a couple cases, I think his illness made him kind of spacey, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. My friends was good too. He always tried to be a gentleman and made sure to give me access to his dental floss each night since I'd left mine at home.
My friend and I definitely have different styles, different attitudes towards life. It was interesting to spend so much time with one person because it made me think about the compromise and patience necessary to live with someone. Granted, two weeks in hotels is not quite the same, but being in such close quarters 24/7 requires some adjustment. It was a good learning experience for me, a reminder that I can't always have my way (even though I think it's often the best way ;)). Being single, it's easy to get comfortable with doing things a certain way and forgetting to be open-minded.
And yet, I sit here wondering how much compromise is reasonable. What makes for two people who will get along well? What is too much give and take? I hate confrontation, so I worry that I let things go too much in order to keep the peace. I'm probably more guilty of that with men I'm dating versus friends. At least I'm more aware now.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Gotta go with the gut
During my time away, I let a lot of worries go. It was nice to feel like I had a clear head. There was no such thing as work, no such thing as dating (well, almost if you ignore everyone refering to my friend as my husband).
However, there were enough times my mind wandered, and I worried about 1of1. I honestly dreaded the idea of him waiting to call me when I returned home. Part of it is attributable to the fact that I feel little chemistry. Part of it is discomfort from the guilt of continuing to date him knowing that he's more interested than I am.
When I look back at e-mails we've exchanged and compare them to others I've dated, one thing stands out that *may* explain the lack of connection - humor. I'm no comedian; I'm pretty slow at humor and tend to take my cues from others. One of the characteristics that draws me to people is some sign of humor or flirtation be it in their writing or conversations with me. This is true of the Strategist, KT, Tim, and others who I've dated. That just isn't here with 1of1. Sure, we laugh, but it's not... endearing. All his e-mails are interactive and factual but offer nothing playful. Our conversations are similar though maybe a little more interesting. This isn't necessarily THE reason, just an explanation that seems plausible. I simply think the two of us combined makes for one big yawn.
What it boils down to is that I'm not happy. I kept trying to ask myself whether more time would change things. Perhaps I would learn to appreciate him and grow to like him. The truth is, the idea of marrying him made me cry inside. To allow myself to surrender what I want in order to be married and make my parents happy was like dying. Relationships that don't start our with love may be okay in other cultures, but losing myself, pretending to be happy, and possibly dragging others down with me is just plain wrong.
There's no evidence that I'm right or wrong. There's no way to ever know. All I can do is got with my gut. My friends who know think I've given this a decent chance. They see that my enthusiasm is well below what I've shown in the past with other potential dates.
I'm too cowardly to talk with him. I think I'd trip over myself and say something honest but insensitive. Eventually I'll craft a polite e-mail... or, I could go out with him one last time to make sure.
However, there were enough times my mind wandered, and I worried about 1of1. I honestly dreaded the idea of him waiting to call me when I returned home. Part of it is attributable to the fact that I feel little chemistry. Part of it is discomfort from the guilt of continuing to date him knowing that he's more interested than I am.
When I look back at e-mails we've exchanged and compare them to others I've dated, one thing stands out that *may* explain the lack of connection - humor. I'm no comedian; I'm pretty slow at humor and tend to take my cues from others. One of the characteristics that draws me to people is some sign of humor or flirtation be it in their writing or conversations with me. This is true of the Strategist, KT, Tim, and others who I've dated. That just isn't here with 1of1. Sure, we laugh, but it's not... endearing. All his e-mails are interactive and factual but offer nothing playful. Our conversations are similar though maybe a little more interesting. This isn't necessarily THE reason, just an explanation that seems plausible. I simply think the two of us combined makes for one big yawn.
What it boils down to is that I'm not happy. I kept trying to ask myself whether more time would change things. Perhaps I would learn to appreciate him and grow to like him. The truth is, the idea of marrying him made me cry inside. To allow myself to surrender what I want in order to be married and make my parents happy was like dying. Relationships that don't start our with love may be okay in other cultures, but losing myself, pretending to be happy, and possibly dragging others down with me is just plain wrong.
There's no evidence that I'm right or wrong. There's no way to ever know. All I can do is got with my gut. My friends who know think I've given this a decent chance. They see that my enthusiasm is well below what I've shown in the past with other potential dates.
I'm too cowardly to talk with him. I think I'd trip over myself and say something honest but insensitive. Eventually I'll craft a polite e-mail... or, I could go out with him one last time to make sure.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Tissue everywhere
The things I learned on vacation:
- Choose travel luggage that leaves you space for sourvenirs or bring an extra bag
- Don't forget your watch
- At high altitudes, move slowly and breathe deeply
- If you awake to a black tongue, it might be from the Pepto
- American movies are everywhere
- Asian tour groups are the most obnoxious people
- When you travel with a friend of the opposite sex, everyone will automatically assume you are husband and wife
- If the tap water is not drinkable, it's not for brushing your teeth either
- Carry travel-sized liquid soap or liquid sanitizer everywhere
- Always save extra napkins or tissue for public toilets
- Choose travel luggage that leaves you space for sourvenirs or bring an extra bag
- Don't forget your watch
- At high altitudes, move slowly and breathe deeply
- If you awake to a black tongue, it might be from the Pepto
- American movies are everywhere
- Asian tour groups are the most obnoxious people
- When you travel with a friend of the opposite sex, everyone will automatically assume you are husband and wife
- If the tap water is not drinkable, it's not for brushing your teeth either
- Carry travel-sized liquid soap or liquid sanitizer everywhere
- Always save extra napkins or tissue for public toilets
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Geeks and honesty
From the special features of the "Stranger Than Fiction" DVD:
"Geeks, if anything, are overly honest about what's true, or not. If something is true, it just has to be said."
This statement hit home for me. It reminds me of my mother's complaint that my brother are I are too honest with other people. She thinks we were raised too honest and so people take advantage of us.
It also speaks a bit to my habit of thinking aloud. I tend to inform people of facts, unsolicited, that I think are helpful to people. Unfortunately, I've learned over the years that most people who don't know me well don't appreciate my well-intentioned comments. It's a tough habit to break because my mouth moves tem times faster than my brain. Plus, it's still hard for me to sometimes understand that my "trivia" is not interesting to them.
You have no idea how hard this is for me. Everyone tells me, "say it to yourself first," or "just don't say it." It doesn't work like that. If you're used to saying, "hello" when you answer the phone, how long would it take to completely start saying something different like, "good day?" It's not the best analogy, but when you're used to something, it's tough to rewire the brain as if you're changing where you sit on the bus.
Loved this movie, by the way. The geek in me thought all the technical displays of his thoughts and counting were cool, especially in the men's restroom with the soap dispensers.
I'm off on vacation now... talk to you all after Memorial Day.
"Geeks, if anything, are overly honest about what's true, or not. If something is true, it just has to be said."
This statement hit home for me. It reminds me of my mother's complaint that my brother are I are too honest with other people. She thinks we were raised too honest and so people take advantage of us.
It also speaks a bit to my habit of thinking aloud. I tend to inform people of facts, unsolicited, that I think are helpful to people. Unfortunately, I've learned over the years that most people who don't know me well don't appreciate my well-intentioned comments. It's a tough habit to break because my mouth moves tem times faster than my brain. Plus, it's still hard for me to sometimes understand that my "trivia" is not interesting to them.
You have no idea how hard this is for me. Everyone tells me, "say it to yourself first," or "just don't say it." It doesn't work like that. If you're used to saying, "hello" when you answer the phone, how long would it take to completely start saying something different like, "good day?" It's not the best analogy, but when you're used to something, it's tough to rewire the brain as if you're changing where you sit on the bus.
Loved this movie, by the way. The geek in me thought all the technical displays of his thoughts and counting were cool, especially in the men's restroom with the soap dispensers.
I'm off on vacation now... talk to you all after Memorial Day.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Endings and DOAs
Hopefully, you saw "Gilmore Girls" this week or else this might be a spoiler for you. I just have to say that my relationship gauges must be completely off because everyone was hoping for this while I wanted the opposite. Can someone please explain to me WHY everyone wanted to get rid of Logan?
Yes, they're too young. I agree that they both need more time to develop themselves (as much as a tv character can when a series ends), but I don't see the need to break them up. I thought they were great together, and I'm sad to see it end. So what if it got boring and syrupy between them, isn't that what we want in real life?
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"Grey's Anatomy" was absolutely boring during that silly two-hour episode. Thank goodness I can multi-task and caught up on e-mail on the couch. That whole visit down to L.A. for Addison was an absolute waste of time. If the writers don't already realize the spin-off show will never take off, they're going to spend quite a bit of money with the pilot to learn the hard way.
It's too bad really. I like the cast members. Who can argue with Taye Diggs, Amy Brenneman and Tim Daly. But the setting is odd and the storylines were either boring or downright depressing. I felt like my life was fractured into the three women's storylines - no man, no baby, no life. Why the hell would I want to watch this when all I have to do is read my own journal?
I suppose I identified well with the female characters. My heart sank when Amy's character ran into her ex at the grocery store with his new wife, and when Addison learned that her eggs were depleted beyond possibility of fertility. It's depressing seeing what your life will become. Let me just suspend reality for a few more years. I like my bubble and pacifier. ;)
Yes, they're too young. I agree that they both need more time to develop themselves (as much as a tv character can when a series ends), but I don't see the need to break them up. I thought they were great together, and I'm sad to see it end. So what if it got boring and syrupy between them, isn't that what we want in real life?
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"Grey's Anatomy" was absolutely boring during that silly two-hour episode. Thank goodness I can multi-task and caught up on e-mail on the couch. That whole visit down to L.A. for Addison was an absolute waste of time. If the writers don't already realize the spin-off show will never take off, they're going to spend quite a bit of money with the pilot to learn the hard way.
It's too bad really. I like the cast members. Who can argue with Taye Diggs, Amy Brenneman and Tim Daly. But the setting is odd and the storylines were either boring or downright depressing. I felt like my life was fractured into the three women's storylines - no man, no baby, no life. Why the hell would I want to watch this when all I have to do is read my own journal?
I suppose I identified well with the female characters. My heart sank when Amy's character ran into her ex at the grocery store with his new wife, and when Addison learned that her eggs were depleted beyond possibility of fertility. It's depressing seeing what your life will become. Let me just suspend reality for a few more years. I like my bubble and pacifier. ;)
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
That burning feeling
It's my psycho time of the month, so my imbalances could be manifesting in the form of illogical desperation. Bear that in mind as you read my current line of thinking.
I met up with Strategist at a local Starbucks that he suggested. I dressed in some dark jeans and a cute, white, hippie top. He texted me to let me know he was wearing a gray t-shirt and khakis. Boy, we are talking casual here. His t-shirt was some worn, dot-com logo shirt and he wasn't even clean-shaven. It just didn't give me the sense he was very serious about the meeting.
The Starbucks line was unreasonably long, so we went around the corner to a smoothie place. We sat for about two hours chatting mostly about traveling, some about work, and some about family. He was definitely curious to know what I was like. He asked if I thought I was like my parents. He asked if I ever had pets. We had a decent time, but there's something about his demeanor that was reserved or disinterested (or just out of it). I wanted this to go well, but I honestly can't say it was anything more than friendly. He didn't say anything that indicated he wanted to see me again. So, should I wait to see if he'll contact me or do I write him back with some friendly banter? How much effort do I put in going forward?
1of1, as always, was happy to see me. I sensed a hidden boyish excitement and nervousness in him when we meet up. He may have even mentioned me to his mom (he asked if she'd heard of the company where I work). We sat for awhile, just talking. He told me about a conference he had attended during the week. I was surprised at how long he went on about it even though I'd never really asked anything regarding it in the first place.
After our stroll through the park, we stopped for restroom break at a cafe. I then suggested we stay for a drink on the patio. 1of1 was a little embarrassed to realize he'd left his wallet in his car. I happily paid for our juice, it was no big deal.
As we sat on the patio and he talked about his upcoming class reunion, I thought to myself that he's not so bad a guy - he's smart, clean, attentive. I thought, "maybe he will grow on me. Would it be so bad to be cared for by a nice guy?" We did chuckle and have a fun exchange of stories.
His height and his nerdy movements still bug me. At one point, we were talking about people in their 30s who still live with their parents. He said he has a friend who is basically "owned" by his parents. He lived away from his parents for undergrad, but otherwise has lived in the same room in his parents' house since he was a child. It's so bad that one time last year, he awoke and dressed as if he were intending to bike to school... high school that is. Then, he realized that he actually needed to drive himself to work. Yeah, *BIG SIGN* that he needs to get a place of his own.
This is when I got on my soapbox and said how I will never allow my grown children to live with me (except for short-term needs to due to finances, medical emergencies, etc.). I preached about how it's unhealthy for both sides. Now, what do you suppose 1of1 was thinking when I said this given that he's been living at home for more than two years now? Here he was commenting about friends and acquaintances of his as if they were in a different world. I asked him a little about his interactions with his mom. At one point, he paused, nodding his head, and said, "yeah, I know I need to get out. Maybe next year when my dad retires." (His dad travels for his job.) His mother thinks he should buy something now. His father thinks he should rent or stay at home until he gets married. I said nothing. Frankly, I didn't know what to say because it's just not very appealing to know all this.
Four hours passed and I decided it was time to head out. 1of1 asked if I wanted to get dinner, but I declined saying I already had plans. As we said our goodbyes, he asked if anyone was giving me a ride to the airport for my upcoming vacation. "Yikes," I thought, "this is a little soon for such a gesture." I told him my brother's giving me a lift. His hug was a little tighter this time.
Honestly, I'm dumbfounded as to what to do. The word "date" or "relationship" has never even come up in conversation. I don't feel like there's anyone I can confide with because I've gotten to a point where I'm uncomfortable revealing my dating life to my friends anymore. The married gals just don't seem to understand (or maybe they know something I don't want to hear). Tim is my best friend, but this is definitely something I can't discuss with him given our history.
When I have some time alone to think, I consider my situation. On the one hand, 1of1 does not fit the image of the man I want. It's like those factory irregulars you can buy for a discounted price. They explicitly remind you that the blemishes or flaws do not affect the performance of the product in any way. But I hate feeling like I have to settle for second best. That's when I try to ignore the little superficial things and think about what I need in a husband. I could have a nice life. Maybe it wouldn't have the passion or excitement I seek, but does that matter after a awhile?
Naturally, I start comparing guy I meet with guys I've dated. In this case, I think about two guys I've dated, both good guys but relationship where I had my doubts. There are times I think I kept myself in the earlier one because I thought he was a good candidate for marriage. He won me over with his thoughtfulness and romantic gestures. We got along well. There was nothing really wrong, but in the end he got cold feet as he realized it wasn't for him. We would have made for a nice, arranged marriage.
Then there's the ultimate comparison to Tim. He was very excited when we started dated. Admittedly, it scared me a little because he was so intense. At the same time, I'm glad he was so open about discussing the potential of the relationship. I'm not good at knowing how to bring up these topics and I didn't have to worry with him. Still, there was always this nagging feeling that he wasn't the one. We weren't in the same place, and my feelings of guilt forced me to break it off. We're best friends and I can't imagine life without him. Yet, as much as yearn for the idea, I still don't we could ever successfully get back together. Damn these unexplainable things! How much do I sabotage my chances for happiness by comparing new guys to Tim?
Between my upcoming travel and his, I figure I have a few weeks to think about the situation with 1of1. My gut says that this won't make me happy in the long run. Another side of me says that 1of1 is a good man that I should get to know better because he's someone who is compatible and would marry me. How many chances do I have left? Why pass someone up who willing to accept me and likes me the way I am just because he doesn't fit the mold? I want to be loved; I don't want to be alone anymore. Could this end up working if I stick with it a little longer?
Ever heard of the corn dilemma? You're walking through a field of corn. You must pick one ear of corn by the time you come out at the other end of the field. You may pick one and *only* one. You'll see ear after ear of big, juicy corn with perfectly straight rows of yellow kernels. So the question becomes, when do you know to pick a particular ear. I feel like I passed by the good corn and am now in a patch of slightly flawed corn, be it is small kernels, missing kernels, crooked rows, or discoloration. The edge of the field is in sight. Do I take the best among what lies in front of me, or hope that there are a few good ones left up ahead before I must exit the field?
Maybe I should ask my therapist for some mind-quieting medication...
I met up with Strategist at a local Starbucks that he suggested. I dressed in some dark jeans and a cute, white, hippie top. He texted me to let me know he was wearing a gray t-shirt and khakis. Boy, we are talking casual here. His t-shirt was some worn, dot-com logo shirt and he wasn't even clean-shaven. It just didn't give me the sense he was very serious about the meeting.
The Starbucks line was unreasonably long, so we went around the corner to a smoothie place. We sat for about two hours chatting mostly about traveling, some about work, and some about family. He was definitely curious to know what I was like. He asked if I thought I was like my parents. He asked if I ever had pets. We had a decent time, but there's something about his demeanor that was reserved or disinterested (or just out of it). I wanted this to go well, but I honestly can't say it was anything more than friendly. He didn't say anything that indicated he wanted to see me again. So, should I wait to see if he'll contact me or do I write him back with some friendly banter? How much effort do I put in going forward?
1of1, as always, was happy to see me. I sensed a hidden boyish excitement and nervousness in him when we meet up. He may have even mentioned me to his mom (he asked if she'd heard of the company where I work). We sat for awhile, just talking. He told me about a conference he had attended during the week. I was surprised at how long he went on about it even though I'd never really asked anything regarding it in the first place.
After our stroll through the park, we stopped for restroom break at a cafe. I then suggested we stay for a drink on the patio. 1of1 was a little embarrassed to realize he'd left his wallet in his car. I happily paid for our juice, it was no big deal.
As we sat on the patio and he talked about his upcoming class reunion, I thought to myself that he's not so bad a guy - he's smart, clean, attentive. I thought, "maybe he will grow on me. Would it be so bad to be cared for by a nice guy?" We did chuckle and have a fun exchange of stories.
His height and his nerdy movements still bug me. At one point, we were talking about people in their 30s who still live with their parents. He said he has a friend who is basically "owned" by his parents. He lived away from his parents for undergrad, but otherwise has lived in the same room in his parents' house since he was a child. It's so bad that one time last year, he awoke and dressed as if he were intending to bike to school... high school that is. Then, he realized that he actually needed to drive himself to work. Yeah, *BIG SIGN* that he needs to get a place of his own.
This is when I got on my soapbox and said how I will never allow my grown children to live with me (except for short-term needs to due to finances, medical emergencies, etc.). I preached about how it's unhealthy for both sides. Now, what do you suppose 1of1 was thinking when I said this given that he's been living at home for more than two years now? Here he was commenting about friends and acquaintances of his as if they were in a different world. I asked him a little about his interactions with his mom. At one point, he paused, nodding his head, and said, "yeah, I know I need to get out. Maybe next year when my dad retires." (His dad travels for his job.) His mother thinks he should buy something now. His father thinks he should rent or stay at home until he gets married. I said nothing. Frankly, I didn't know what to say because it's just not very appealing to know all this.
Four hours passed and I decided it was time to head out. 1of1 asked if I wanted to get dinner, but I declined saying I already had plans. As we said our goodbyes, he asked if anyone was giving me a ride to the airport for my upcoming vacation. "Yikes," I thought, "this is a little soon for such a gesture." I told him my brother's giving me a lift. His hug was a little tighter this time.
Honestly, I'm dumbfounded as to what to do. The word "date" or "relationship" has never even come up in conversation. I don't feel like there's anyone I can confide with because I've gotten to a point where I'm uncomfortable revealing my dating life to my friends anymore. The married gals just don't seem to understand (or maybe they know something I don't want to hear). Tim is my best friend, but this is definitely something I can't discuss with him given our history.
When I have some time alone to think, I consider my situation. On the one hand, 1of1 does not fit the image of the man I want. It's like those factory irregulars you can buy for a discounted price. They explicitly remind you that the blemishes or flaws do not affect the performance of the product in any way. But I hate feeling like I have to settle for second best. That's when I try to ignore the little superficial things and think about what I need in a husband. I could have a nice life. Maybe it wouldn't have the passion or excitement I seek, but does that matter after a awhile?
Naturally, I start comparing guy I meet with guys I've dated. In this case, I think about two guys I've dated, both good guys but relationship where I had my doubts. There are times I think I kept myself in the earlier one because I thought he was a good candidate for marriage. He won me over with his thoughtfulness and romantic gestures. We got along well. There was nothing really wrong, but in the end he got cold feet as he realized it wasn't for him. We would have made for a nice, arranged marriage.
Then there's the ultimate comparison to Tim. He was very excited when we started dated. Admittedly, it scared me a little because he was so intense. At the same time, I'm glad he was so open about discussing the potential of the relationship. I'm not good at knowing how to bring up these topics and I didn't have to worry with him. Still, there was always this nagging feeling that he wasn't the one. We weren't in the same place, and my feelings of guilt forced me to break it off. We're best friends and I can't imagine life without him. Yet, as much as yearn for the idea, I still don't we could ever successfully get back together. Damn these unexplainable things! How much do I sabotage my chances for happiness by comparing new guys to Tim?
Between my upcoming travel and his, I figure I have a few weeks to think about the situation with 1of1. My gut says that this won't make me happy in the long run. Another side of me says that 1of1 is a good man that I should get to know better because he's someone who is compatible and would marry me. How many chances do I have left? Why pass someone up who willing to accept me and likes me the way I am just because he doesn't fit the mold? I want to be loved; I don't want to be alone anymore. Could this end up working if I stick with it a little longer?
Ever heard of the corn dilemma? You're walking through a field of corn. You must pick one ear of corn by the time you come out at the other end of the field. You may pick one and *only* one. You'll see ear after ear of big, juicy corn with perfectly straight rows of yellow kernels. So the question becomes, when do you know to pick a particular ear. I feel like I passed by the good corn and am now in a patch of slightly flawed corn, be it is small kernels, missing kernels, crooked rows, or discoloration. The edge of the field is in sight. Do I take the best among what lies in front of me, or hope that there are a few good ones left up ahead before I must exit the field?
Maybe I should ask my therapist for some mind-quieting medication...
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Test of like
As I've been trying to figure out what to do with my dates, some questions have come to mind. When you're unsure about someone you've met, is that in and of itself enough of a feeling to say, "this isn't going to work out?"
(And note, these are to be distinguished from answers that people could give due that are driven by underlying pretentiousness, vanity, infatuation, obsession or other things that aren't love.)
Good things to ask yourself after a few dates:
1) Would you want to introduce him to your friends?
2) How do you feel about kissing him?
3) When you see it's him calling, how do you react?
4) How far ahead do you feel comfortable including him in your plans?
Any other suggestions you have from experience that you found are good indicators for relationships?
(And note, these are to be distinguished from answers that people could give due that are driven by underlying pretentiousness, vanity, infatuation, obsession or other things that aren't love.)
Good things to ask yourself after a few dates:
1) Would you want to introduce him to your friends?
2) How do you feel about kissing him?
3) When you see it's him calling, how do you react?
4) How far ahead do you feel comfortable including him in your plans?
Any other suggestions you have from experience that you found are good indicators for relationships?
Monday, May 07, 2007
Why I don't like talking to her
Whenever I watch television shows like Gilmore Girls, I wish I had a better relationship with my mother. Granted, the Gilmores are an ideal case which I doubt reflects the average mother-daughter relationships. I imagine most of my friends have a decent relationship with their mothers, but there's always some degree of parental antagonism.
I probably talk to my mother every two to three weeks. Usually, it's my mother calling me because they haven't heard from me in awhile. Yes, I'm a bad daughter, but it's just not fun sometimes to talk with her. For my own sanity, I tend to minimize my interactions with her. I've learned over the years to edit the personal information I share with her.
----
During a recent conversation, she was telling me how she's been keeping herself busy now that she has retired. Ever since she announced her retirement plans, I had been concerned about exactly what she'd do to keep herself busy. Other than work, she didn't have many hobbies or activities other than gardening, cooking, watching soap operas and sleeping. The worst thing is seeing people retire and become bored or depressed over the lack of mental activity and loss of human interaction that comes with not working.
I was happy to hear that she taken up calligraphy classes. As a child, she never worked very hard to write characters. She simply treated it as a homework assignment. Now, she wants to improve her technique and is even encouraging my father to join her in class.
Then she asked me as if she'd forgotten, "what class are you taking now?"
"I'm taking the next language class."
"Why? You aren't speaking any better since taking the last class."
A bit taken a back I responded, "I think it's helps me remember more words and understand grammar better. It's just helpful to practice speaking regularly with others. Besides, I want to learn to read and write a little."
"That's not something that's going to be very useful to you."
Yeah, this is why talking to her is just not healthy sometimes. Her incredulity about anything I do is so frustrating. Why couldn't she have me a simple question like, "What have you learned?" Even if she didn't care at all, how about just saying, "That's nice." Basically, I was told that I can't speak a darn and that I can't learn. Gee, was she this encouraging when I was growing up?
The next day, I told Tim about my conversation. He's seen me get upset before after conversation with my mother. He doesn't have the highest opinion of her. He laughed and said, "your mother's lame."
I inquired, "Am I ever like that?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do I make comments like that to people?"
"No, never."
"Okay, good. I'm worried I've picked up some of her habits."
I probably talk to my mother every two to three weeks. Usually, it's my mother calling me because they haven't heard from me in awhile. Yes, I'm a bad daughter, but it's just not fun sometimes to talk with her. For my own sanity, I tend to minimize my interactions with her. I've learned over the years to edit the personal information I share with her.
----
During a recent conversation, she was telling me how she's been keeping herself busy now that she has retired. Ever since she announced her retirement plans, I had been concerned about exactly what she'd do to keep herself busy. Other than work, she didn't have many hobbies or activities other than gardening, cooking, watching soap operas and sleeping. The worst thing is seeing people retire and become bored or depressed over the lack of mental activity and loss of human interaction that comes with not working.
I was happy to hear that she taken up calligraphy classes. As a child, she never worked very hard to write characters. She simply treated it as a homework assignment. Now, she wants to improve her technique and is even encouraging my father to join her in class.
Then she asked me as if she'd forgotten, "what class are you taking now?"
"I'm taking the next language class."
"Why? You aren't speaking any better since taking the last class."
A bit taken a back I responded, "I think it's helps me remember more words and understand grammar better. It's just helpful to practice speaking regularly with others. Besides, I want to learn to read and write a little."
"That's not something that's going to be very useful to you."
Yeah, this is why talking to her is just not healthy sometimes. Her incredulity about anything I do is so frustrating. Why couldn't she have me a simple question like, "What have you learned?" Even if she didn't care at all, how about just saying, "That's nice." Basically, I was told that I can't speak a darn and that I can't learn. Gee, was she this encouraging when I was growing up?
The next day, I told Tim about my conversation. He's seen me get upset before after conversation with my mother. He doesn't have the highest opinion of her. He laughed and said, "your mother's lame."
I inquired, "Am I ever like that?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do I make comments like that to people?"
"No, never."
"Okay, good. I'm worried I've picked up some of her habits."
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Curious and suspicious
My mother passed this flyer along to me. On one hand, I could see that she knows I like the outdoors and is passing this along out of interest. On the other hand, when I saw that this is being marketed to children in their 30s and 40s, I couldn't help think this is some subtle way of giving me a way to meeting other potential single people (i.e. MEN).
The forwarding message reads, "One of our classmate (Jean Hsu) is volunteering her time and energy organizing a wonderful outing for our next generation.... those who are in their 30's and 40's. Please read the attached invitation."
Volunteering? They charge money for this... how is this considered volunteering?
Maybe I'm being overly suspicious. I just think is funny and peculiar. I don't think I'm the right target audience for this. Who needs someone to organize a trip like this? I'd just grab so friends and go myself. A trip to Sequoia does sound nice.
******
As for the dating front, I'm waiting to hear back from the last of the guys I contacted when I was going through "my consultant." Yes, I ended my subscription (for now).
My weekend dinner with 1of1 went fine. We ate so early (6:30pm) that there was no one in the restaurant. We walked through the downtown as we chatted. The evening was pleasant. I say that in a polite sort of way. It's not like I was excited to be there nor did I dread being in his presence. We get along; we probably have many similar qualities. At the same time, I wonder if our similarities are why things are a bit... boring? I feel very mellow around him. Where's the the playfulness, anticipation, a sense of energy?
I've tried to be very good about not analyzing the situation too much. He's a nice fellow and if I were simply looking for a mate, this would be something to pursue, but I'm not sure my heart's in it. He's definitely interested. During every date, I can tell he's searching for ideas to plan the next. He asked me if I ever go to museums. (Can you guess what he's proposed for this weekend?) Really, it's nice to see someone thoughtful about dating and insisting on paying for everything. It's unfortunately lost on me in his particular case.
At this point, the height issue still stands, but I think there's more to my lack of enthusiasm. I'm not finding that chemistry and connection I seek. When I think about continuing to go on dates with 1of1, I ask myself if I can imagine kissing him in the next month. Well, I can imagine him trying to kiss me, but it's not a pleasing thought. That's can't be a good sign. My gut tells me that this isn't going to work out. I'm trying to be open. People can grow on each other right? I will go on another date with him, but I need to figure things out before he gets too attached.
The Strategist has sent a couple more e-mails. He seems more interesting than 1of1, but he seems less interested than 1of1. Since our one phone call, nothing much has happened. There are long gaps in communication which I've learned naturally happen when you really purely on e-mails too long. I'm tired of just e-mailing; it's not going anywhere. So this time I wrote back and suggest we meet up for a drink or snack. His lack of interest (or indecision) makes me think it's time to answer the chemistry question. This should settle things once and for all; either we're done or we hang out more.
He wrote back saying the weekend would probably work. Okay, could you suggest a time or day? I wrote back saying my mornings were out and asked if there was another time that worked. Finally, he wrote back with two rough time slots. Do you think he'll actually be proactive enough to suggest a time and place to meet when I reply? I thought guys know they're supposed to date plans more than 24 hours ahead of time.
Peeve moment over. It's no big deal. I need to remember "just enjoy the ride." I'll survive regardless of whether or not either of these guys turn out to be anything good.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
I fear her life
Awhile back, I was part of a group skip trip. While cleaning up dinner leftovers, Bear was talking with Burning Man. My ears perked up when he mentioned KR and Lenny. He emphasized how much of a big loser he thinks Lenny is and how no one could understand why KR married him. No one was too surprised they ended up divorced. He continued to mention that she is now pregnant followed by a smirkish laugh.
"She's expecting?" I interrupted. "Did she get remarried?"
"No," Bear said, "she got pregnant with some guy and is going to have the baby alone."
His tone was a bit comical and... as if he were raising his eyebrows in awe and scandal. I probably reacted with a bit of surprise.
Bear then added, "I think this will be good for her," with all seriousness and sincerity.
This information really hit home for me. I don't know why, but I could just imagine Bear saying this about me someday. In fact, I felt like he was talking about me, like it was a preview of my future.
Here's a little background on KR. I've only met her once, so I can't speak to her personality. Anything I know is second hand from people like Bear and TJ who are in her circles. Ten years ago, she was a popular woman. She was always involved with someone. There were times when she was juggling two men at the same time - one new and one kind of on the way out. I believe she has even turned down a marriage proposal or two.
Lenny was someone who had been interested in her for several years. She had always rejected his advances. People didn't see much in him. She moved away for awhile to attend business school on the East Coast. A couple years after returning to the area, everyone was stunned to learn that she was marrying Lenny.
After two years, they got divorced. I didn't hear much about it. That was maybe one or two years ago. And now, she's a single, pregnant woman.
As I said, I don't know KR. Certainly, my life was never like hers with marriage proposals and men in hot pursuit. I can only surmise her reasons for marrying Lenny. My guess? That she was 35-36 and feeling the pressure of getting hitched and listening to the tick of her biological clock. She took the sure thing in a decent man who wanted to be with her. Maybe she thought friendship was enough or that she would grow to love him. Perhaps I'm just projecting my own fears onto her.
Whatever the reason, the relationship didn't work out. On the edge of 40, she continued to date men and got pregnant. In some ways, maybe it's a good thing because this might be her last chance at having a child. I hope everything works out well for her.
This is where my parallel to her lies. I'm now 36 and single. I'm willing to bet that I no longer ovulate monthly. My guess is I skip two months each year, and that will only happen more with age. My opportunities are fading.
When I meet men, I struggle with finding what I want versus what I need. On one hand, it would be so easy to just find a nice guy and go with the flow. On the other hand, I don't know that an amiable marriage leads to a good life. The fact is I'm worn down from the years of unsuccessful dating. I'm tired, I lonely, I've lost my faith in true love.
I fear holding my standards so high that no man will ever seem like the ONE. I fear making a foolish decision out of desperation. I fear finding myself in a situation where I "accidentally" get pregnant because I'm out of options and out of time. I fear becoming fuel for gossip and whispers among my friends and acquaintances.
"She's expecting?" I interrupted. "Did she get remarried?"
"No," Bear said, "she got pregnant with some guy and is going to have the baby alone."
His tone was a bit comical and... as if he were raising his eyebrows in awe and scandal. I probably reacted with a bit of surprise.
Bear then added, "I think this will be good for her," with all seriousness and sincerity.
This information really hit home for me. I don't know why, but I could just imagine Bear saying this about me someday. In fact, I felt like he was talking about me, like it was a preview of my future.
Here's a little background on KR. I've only met her once, so I can't speak to her personality. Anything I know is second hand from people like Bear and TJ who are in her circles. Ten years ago, she was a popular woman. She was always involved with someone. There were times when she was juggling two men at the same time - one new and one kind of on the way out. I believe she has even turned down a marriage proposal or two.
Lenny was someone who had been interested in her for several years. She had always rejected his advances. People didn't see much in him. She moved away for awhile to attend business school on the East Coast. A couple years after returning to the area, everyone was stunned to learn that she was marrying Lenny.
After two years, they got divorced. I didn't hear much about it. That was maybe one or two years ago. And now, she's a single, pregnant woman.
As I said, I don't know KR. Certainly, my life was never like hers with marriage proposals and men in hot pursuit. I can only surmise her reasons for marrying Lenny. My guess? That she was 35-36 and feeling the pressure of getting hitched and listening to the tick of her biological clock. She took the sure thing in a decent man who wanted to be with her. Maybe she thought friendship was enough or that she would grow to love him. Perhaps I'm just projecting my own fears onto her.
Whatever the reason, the relationship didn't work out. On the edge of 40, she continued to date men and got pregnant. In some ways, maybe it's a good thing because this might be her last chance at having a child. I hope everything works out well for her.
This is where my parallel to her lies. I'm now 36 and single. I'm willing to bet that I no longer ovulate monthly. My guess is I skip two months each year, and that will only happen more with age. My opportunities are fading.
When I meet men, I struggle with finding what I want versus what I need. On one hand, it would be so easy to just find a nice guy and go with the flow. On the other hand, I don't know that an amiable marriage leads to a good life. The fact is I'm worn down from the years of unsuccessful dating. I'm tired, I lonely, I've lost my faith in true love.
I fear holding my standards so high that no man will ever seem like the ONE. I fear making a foolish decision out of desperation. I fear finding myself in a situation where I "accidentally" get pregnant because I'm out of options and out of time. I fear becoming fuel for gossip and whispers among my friends and acquaintances.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
My new rules
When I stopped writing in early April, I was going through a bit of depression. This always seems to happen in the weeks before my birthday, consciously and subconsciously. I weeped many nights in a row about my feelings of loneliness and hopelessness about the future. Hanging out with my friends makes me acutely aware of how different my life is from theirs and from what I thought it would be at this age.
I found that blogging every day, in some ways, exacerbated my negative thoughts. Spending too much time writing about certain subject is not healthy for me. Sometimes I think it's better if I let my thoughts pass rather than write down every complaint and peeve that arises during the day.
In the weeks I spent away from my blog, I did find that my mind was emptier, quieter, less anxious. I got back to just living day to day. The sad feelings are always there but much less so when I don't dwell on it.
At the same time, I miss sharing some of my stories and random questions. I miss practicing writing. I miss exchanging thoughts with all of you.
So, I'm back but with a cautious approach. Except for emergencies, I plan to limit my entries to two each week. That will force me to focus on the more important questions and thoughts in my head. Hopefully, that will lead me away from magnifying bad thoughts.
We'll see how it goes...
I found that blogging every day, in some ways, exacerbated my negative thoughts. Spending too much time writing about certain subject is not healthy for me. Sometimes I think it's better if I let my thoughts pass rather than write down every complaint and peeve that arises during the day.
In the weeks I spent away from my blog, I did find that my mind was emptier, quieter, less anxious. I got back to just living day to day. The sad feelings are always there but much less so when I don't dwell on it.
At the same time, I miss sharing some of my stories and random questions. I miss practicing writing. I miss exchanging thoughts with all of you.
So, I'm back but with a cautious approach. Except for emergencies, I plan to limit my entries to two each week. That will force me to focus on the more important questions and thoughts in my head. Hopefully, that will lead me away from magnifying bad thoughts.
We'll see how it goes...
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Second-best
That's what I always feel like. In high school, they had a special trip for nominated members of the honors club. I was vice president. It should have been me and the president. Unfortunately, the state rules required that one boy and one girl attend the special conference. So, I didn't get to go.
In the county speech finals, I came in second to a girl who didn't even intend to compete with her speech at the state contest.
When I applied for graduate school, none of my preferred school accepted me. I only received admissions from my backup school.
Now that I'm older and still dating, I feel like I'm getting the leftovers. Say what you will, I know it's probably mean to say but it's how I see things. I'm second choice over someone prettier or younger. And the guys that I get are the leftovers of other. Why can't I get what I want? Don't I deserve to get what I want (At least the really important things?)
I met up with a guy, 1of1, for milk tea the other night. From the first time I saw him, I had a feeling he'd contact me. He's a computer science PhD. He reminds me of a couple other guys I know who are PhD types - geeky but normal. He not particularly handsome nor is he grotesque, simply an average and clean-cut man. He's a few years younger. Everything looked fine about him, except that he's short. It's the one hang up I have. Meeting him in person only emphasized that.
Wearing heels, I'm as tall or maybe even a hair taller than him. Argh. If I were taller, it wouldn't matter so much. But I'm in the petite category; we'd be this mini couple. (Okay, how many little people have I just insulted.) Why? Why does he have to be so short?
The truth is that I had a nice time. When I arrived, he stood up and we shook hands. We then ordered. At the mere movement of my purse, he swung out his arm in front of me to let me know not to pay.
There was no awkwardness other than the little bits of inedible plant matter in my drink that I had to regularly extract from my mouth. We had a nice chat about his work, friends, our families, and travel.
The line of the night, "Well, I guess I might as well get this out in the open. I live with my parents."
At the end of the hour plus conversation, I thanked him for a nice conversation. He immediately asked if I wanted to go out again sometime and I said, "yes." He paused and then tried to think about how to go about arranging another meeting. In the middle of his struggle, I assured him that we needn't figure it out there and then. I told him he could give me a call.
Then we said our goodnights. Next was this awkward moment where it wasn't clear whether to walk away, shake hands, or hug. He moved in and gave me a hug. I proceeded to say goodnight and jaywalked across the street to my car.
********************************************
I'm back because I'm feeling incredibly... stupid at this moment. The guy has now called to ask me out to dinner, and I don't know what to do. Why can't I just tell him I want to go to dinner? Am I sabotaging myself?
Something is holding me back from excitedly grabbing the phone and agreeing to meet him for dinner this weekend. The way I'm behaving right now it's no wonder I'm still single. I don't deserve to find a good man. Can I just say again how lame I feel?
I feel awful that I'm judging him because of one trait he has no control over. I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm not meant to find someone who fits what seems are like some simple "requests" on my part. I don't want to give him false hope if I can't get over my objection, but I also know I need to give this a fair chance.
So tomorrow, after I've had a chance to sleep and rest my head, I'll send him an e-mail about having dinner.
In the county speech finals, I came in second to a girl who didn't even intend to compete with her speech at the state contest.
When I applied for graduate school, none of my preferred school accepted me. I only received admissions from my backup school.
Now that I'm older and still dating, I feel like I'm getting the leftovers. Say what you will, I know it's probably mean to say but it's how I see things. I'm second choice over someone prettier or younger. And the guys that I get are the leftovers of other. Why can't I get what I want? Don't I deserve to get what I want (At least the really important things?)
I met up with a guy, 1of1, for milk tea the other night. From the first time I saw him, I had a feeling he'd contact me. He's a computer science PhD. He reminds me of a couple other guys I know who are PhD types - geeky but normal. He not particularly handsome nor is he grotesque, simply an average and clean-cut man. He's a few years younger. Everything looked fine about him, except that he's short. It's the one hang up I have. Meeting him in person only emphasized that.
Wearing heels, I'm as tall or maybe even a hair taller than him. Argh. If I were taller, it wouldn't matter so much. But I'm in the petite category; we'd be this mini couple. (Okay, how many little people have I just insulted.) Why? Why does he have to be so short?
The truth is that I had a nice time. When I arrived, he stood up and we shook hands. We then ordered. At the mere movement of my purse, he swung out his arm in front of me to let me know not to pay.
There was no awkwardness other than the little bits of inedible plant matter in my drink that I had to regularly extract from my mouth. We had a nice chat about his work, friends, our families, and travel.
The line of the night, "Well, I guess I might as well get this out in the open. I live with my parents."
At the end of the hour plus conversation, I thanked him for a nice conversation. He immediately asked if I wanted to go out again sometime and I said, "yes." He paused and then tried to think about how to go about arranging another meeting. In the middle of his struggle, I assured him that we needn't figure it out there and then. I told him he could give me a call.
Then we said our goodnights. Next was this awkward moment where it wasn't clear whether to walk away, shake hands, or hug. He moved in and gave me a hug. I proceeded to say goodnight and jaywalked across the street to my car.
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I'm back because I'm feeling incredibly... stupid at this moment. The guy has now called to ask me out to dinner, and I don't know what to do. Why can't I just tell him I want to go to dinner? Am I sabotaging myself?
Something is holding me back from excitedly grabbing the phone and agreeing to meet him for dinner this weekend. The way I'm behaving right now it's no wonder I'm still single. I don't deserve to find a good man. Can I just say again how lame I feel?
I feel awful that I'm judging him because of one trait he has no control over. I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm not meant to find someone who fits what seems are like some simple "requests" on my part. I don't want to give him false hope if I can't get over my objection, but I also know I need to give this a fair chance.
So tomorrow, after I've had a chance to sleep and rest my head, I'll send him an e-mail about having dinner.
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