Second-best

That's what I always feel like. In high school, they had a special trip for nominated members of the honors club. I was vice president. It should have been me and the president. Unfortunately, the state rules required that one boy and one girl attend the special conference. So, I didn't get to go.

In the county speech finals, I came in second to a girl who didn't even intend to compete with her speech at the state contest.

When I applied for graduate school, none of my preferred school accepted me. I only received admissions from my backup school.

Now that I'm older and still dating, I feel like I'm getting the leftovers. Say what you will, I know it's probably mean to say but it's how I see things. I'm second choice over someone prettier or younger. And the guys that I get are the leftovers of other. Why can't I get what I want? Don't I deserve to get what I want (At least the really important things?)

I met up with a guy, 1of1, for milk tea the other night. From the first time I saw him, I had a feeling he'd contact me. He's a computer science PhD. He reminds me of a couple other guys I know who are PhD types - geeky but normal. He not particularly handsome nor is he grotesque, simply an average and clean-cut man. He's a few years younger. Everything looked fine about him, except that he's short. It's the one hang up I have. Meeting him in person only emphasized that.

Wearing heels, I'm as tall or maybe even a hair taller than him. Argh. If I were taller, it wouldn't matter so much. But I'm in the petite category; we'd be this mini couple. (Okay, how many little people have I just insulted.) Why? Why does he have to be so short?

The truth is that I had a nice time. When I arrived, he stood up and we shook hands. We then ordered. At the mere movement of my purse, he swung out his arm in front of me to let me know not to pay.

There was no awkwardness other than the little bits of inedible plant matter in my drink that I had to regularly extract from my mouth. We had a nice chat about his work, friends, our families, and travel.

The line of the night, "Well, I guess I might as well get this out in the open. I live with my parents."

At the end of the hour plus conversation, I thanked him for a nice conversation. He immediately asked if I wanted to go out again sometime and I said, "yes." He paused and then tried to think about how to go about arranging another meeting. In the middle of his struggle, I assured him that we needn't figure it out there and then. I told him he could give me a call.

Then we said our goodnights. Next was this awkward moment where it wasn't clear whether to walk away, shake hands, or hug. He moved in and gave me a hug. I proceeded to say goodnight and jaywalked across the street to my car.

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I'm back because I'm feeling incredibly... stupid at this moment. The guy has now called to ask me out to dinner, and I don't know what to do. Why can't I just tell him I want to go to dinner? Am I sabotaging myself?

Something is holding me back from excitedly grabbing the phone and agreeing to meet him for dinner this weekend. The way I'm behaving right now it's no wonder I'm still single. I don't deserve to find a good man. Can I just say again how lame I feel?

I feel awful that I'm judging him because of one trait he has no control over. I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm not meant to find someone who fits what seems are like some simple "requests" on my part. I don't want to give him false hope if I can't get over my objection, but I also know I need to give this a fair chance.

So tomorrow, after I've had a chance to sleep and rest my head, I'll send him an e-mail about having dinner.